love is in the air

        Love is in the air, these words spoken perhaps in innocence, and possibly to let me know, oh the possibilities,limitless, with the exception of the barriers raised in my mind, the inability to, or doubt that they were intended in a manner for which, being only mortal, human, dreamer and fantasizer, I, have to admit , in that second,hit the slipstream where dreams come true, reality fades and the stars are stepping stones for my dance. With all the things going on in my life where others would find,negativity, like a bird of prey, I scour for the slightest movement, of optimism, striking it with  a quickness,lifting it aloft to partake of this morsel, thus ensuring my ability to rise above the petty woes of my world, raptured by the sweet taste of life's joys.
        Do I go to fast, or shall I take no action, resulting in the question, which I have grown to abhor,what if I had just tried?.  Too many questions, too many answers, so much fear,for what if I screw up again. I know in my past that I have,by not taking action when,opportunity presented itself. Life, can be so scary, but the reward for facing that fear, can result in a joy, unmatched by any felt.
        I have to place myself back in the real world, simply to grasp the green grass, and black soil of mother earth,this spinning in my mind, the weakness of my physical self, I have to regain control. I soar, and fear the speed ,and heights, I reach, for the fall is so far...............down, that i could bury myself ,with no way to escape.
        A moment, like the blossoming of a flower, on a short movie,where you keep playing it over to ensure nothing is missed,the smile,the look,playing over and over,while you defensively try to ensure it is all in your mind. while as you watch it unfold,you can not deny the wonder of its blossoming, its affect upon your being. You are lost in its power.

Kroger,Tom Thumb,Easter Sunday

          A day that started like the previous ones, rain falling in sheets,at times a soft mist,almost invisible ,while it crept up against my skin , trickling down, my clothing gaining weight while becoming sodden with moisture,to sheets of rain,almost as a curtain made from water, its density,prohibiting my vision,laughing as I swim in its downfall, a child playing in puddles and soaked in a vertical lake,who watched by others, see a man trying to get out of the rain, while inside myself a child is bubbling in laughter, at the fact he can do this, not get in trouble,while others assume he is brave to face this torrent of water.
          Today was similar to my morning start in the rain,really a strange day with its constant changes. At first I lounged around ,yes being lazy,enjoying the rain,with its excuses,to not do anything,while driven to accomplish things, because I wanted to get something done. So, I went to Home Depot, got a washer and fixed the toilet seat,which the bolt had gone through. Overcoming my lethargy, started by the rain, and resulting in the paragraph above,hehehe.
          After wards went to have dinner at Christines, and upon getting there, dropped off the eggs,fake ones with candy,which Donna had made up[ the night before.Donna was not feeling well so we left upon arrival,returning home.The first Easter I had not spent with my loved ones. It was also to be the first Easter my brother and I would have shared in awhile. Soooooooooooo, after being home a bit, I left early for work, hoping I would catch everyone still there.Ahhhhhhh, the sadness felt inside,when upon arrival, I saw that all had left with the exception of those who resided within.. My heart though weighted with the absence of those gone, a sorrow rent of a special time now unshared, still gave wing to thoughts of those within. As I opened the door and saw a face ,my heart leaped, with the smile and joy,that small face shone upon my heart, when I entered.Not only one , but all faces rebounded with a smile ,their eyes telling the story we all wish to hear, I matter, irregardless of all material things ,the simple fact I was there ,mattered to them.
       How often in my past, have I hidden away, not only in the physical realm, more often and sadly
in that place of emotion and trust, myself unrevealed, simply due to the misconception, enforced by myself and my own misconception of others feelings, and belief in me. Here I am reborn! Within those smiles, and twinkling eyes, I am told, though I am not donned in a wealthy mans clothes, or maybe because I do drive a raggedy van,for whatever reason it may be,unconditionally i am loved here. It is funny, humorous, and frosted with a little sadness, to tell the truth, for the little ones here shower me with love untempered and pure from lifes trials, while the parents of these beautiful ones, know me. Their love freely given, has been tempered,they have seen me at the pinnacle of my life, not knowing what may happen tomorrow, and have also seen me while not at my worst,but in simple humanity, capable of doing or being wrong, imperfect as any man. For me , not to be the best, not to have riches to share, in a position where I can not help others but must instead ask for help, to depend on myself,instead of a position with authority, has truly been a road of enrichment,not for my pockets,hehehe, but in myself, with a lesson in humility, for spice,hehehe.I am so fortunate,for often, I say to myself,if I were to die today, it would be ok. I  dont want to die, but if I did, my life is not one full of grief over yesterdays problems, but a happiness borne of knowing I have loved and been loved,by the best,purrrrrrrrrrr,those closest to me, double purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.hehehe. I MADE A DIFFERENCE,I LOVED AND I HAVE BEEN LOVED,IF I DIE TODAY THE MEMORIESSSSS THAT MADE ME WHO I AM WILL BE CARRIED FORTH IN OTHERS AND THOUGH THERE WILL BE SOME TEARS,LAUGHTER AND LOVE WILL CARRY THE DAY.
         Now , I was only there for a few,but what a sweeeeeeeeeet few,then off to work. Where I remembered that the manager does not like me starting early,ughhhhhh. So upon arrival, I clean up my van, afterwords i go to pull some mats and the manager,told me as there were no customers I could start early,yeahhhhhhhh. Oh , before I forget, the sun came out on the way to work and the rain stopped for the first time in days, no drizzle, nothing,shocked I was when the wipers screeched across the glass with no moisture to quieten the sound. Ok,back to work,while doing the floors,a manager from the Express Lane store told me she had seen all of the Lewis family the day before.Not having heard much of them since the sale of the company, I was happy to hear they were doing well. After wards while working, a guy I know was asking why i don't do the Tom Thumbs anymore, stating they looked terrible and after explaining how the president of Tom Thumb fired me for going to Kroger, and that Kroger did nothing after discovering I had been honest with them, and that Tom Thumb corporate had been trying to pull a quickie on them. He suggested that I use a different name, because their floors really looked bad, but I told him it would not only be unethical, but as soon as they discovered it was me, that would end it anyway.
       I have since given it some thought and now that there is a new CEO, and the fact that former Representative Patronis stated he was wrong in not pursuing the issue when I brought it to his attention,maybe I will give it one more shot. It definitely cant hurt and who knows maybe something good will come of it,so stay tuned,hehehe. You never know, hell as much as I believe in things maybe a wish,or dream can come true, but for now that's a wrap,and hoping your Easter was as sweeet as mine.  

slim whimsical dream

          It is the friday,good friday, at that and here I am sitting at home,just chillin.I was supposed to go see Batman and Robin with my nephews but,the missus is sick and did not get some money I expected so I guess that's out,It has been raining for the last couple of days, due to the hole in my trailer it got soaked, so i patched that up today,temporary,but it should hold,and I am running a fan inside to dry out the floor. I am such a procrastinator. I dont know what is up with my spell checker sometimes it works and then it dont,blahhhhhh.
          Was shopping at Wal-mart to get some honey for Donnas throat,and ran into one of the crew from Spinakers, who told me Gypsy Riot,was playing tonight. Ah, what to do just relaxing and seeing where this goes. I worked at the Bay County Library, last night stripping and scrubbing some floors. It did not take too long,but I inadvertently, left the van doors open, which one of the staff closed for me, sweet.
          Just got done cleaning the kitchen, and have been thinking of making a cake, feeling like some Chocolate,hehe. Have some Swiss Rolls, but they are a little too much something, don't know what, but maybe too rich.Ok. gonna mix up some cake mix and will be right back. Well, well well, that did not work out as planned, no cake mix,but, I did find some brownie mix, so decided to make those ,but, my bag of walnuts went stale,boo hoo hoo, Still, the brownies will be good with some vanilla ice cream and being warm,will definitely be enjoyed, hehehe. You may not always have what you want,but you can always use what you got,hehe. Plus I just made a nice pot of coffee, loving it on a quiet night, along with a good book, tv running in the background, in case of a good movie,not bad if I must say so myself. Yes, things could be better, but hell its not bad.
         Just on a chance, a slim whimsical wisp of a dream, I am going to reveal a secret. Hehehe.  I stopped writing my blog for a number of reasons,only resuming it when someone,recently told me, that she did read some of my stuff and stated she thought my writings were beautiful,actually her words were, I write beautifully. Now , here is a thought, I will admit that she said that after I asked her if she ever read some of my writing, to which she commented she had, making that statement. Oh Yeah, I  was captured, raptured by the thought of her exploring the raptures of my mind, passions and secrets, shared. Being only human, I can only dream that she does partake of this bounty, grown through  my life's experiences,and recently, as she should know, enrichened by her presence. So sweet lady, if you should ever fall across these pages leave me a note.So tempted to put,If you dare at the end of that sentence. Hahaha, I am laughing, for I can not stop being me and believing in the dream, no matter how silly it may seem.
       I just went in the kitchen, brownies are ready, and covered it with shavings of ice cream, sliced thin so warmth of the brownie softened it without it being a mound. All this done with a quickness brought about by fresh thoughts of her. My friend, Debbie would be rolling on the floor if she had any idea, of my state of mind. As a witness to my foolishness in the past, and to the end result, her comments would be ,you should know better,or aren't you a little old for this, always has been the smarter and more logical one. Coffee is greattttttttttttt.
       Oh my, I am gunna appear so much more intelligent now, figured ot how to use the spell check, you have to left click on the word. Oh me ,Oh my, loving it I am, hehehe. You know it may be rather foolish on my part, for sureeeeeeeeee, it si I admit it,smiling, but why should I change, I enjoy being me and as it does not come as a cost to others. why should I stop,purrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Silly, silly boy I be.
Ok, thats a wrap for me gonna watch some tv,drink my coffee and relax. Of course, i finished the brownie, and I am thinking of having another,so sweet it is,loving it, later.

its o.k.

       I feel so much better after last nights post,its 10 am,well close anyway,hehe.Soooo, feels like I got something off my chest,I guess to put it out there, while it may have seemed simple, was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever written.It was enough, so in days to come,there is enough to refresh the memory, without refreshing the pain, too much. they, whoever they are, say that the pain deminishes with the passsage of time. I felt to omit this part of my life, would have been dishonest to say the least,and yet i did not want to cheapen or destroy, the beauty of what had once been. Ever the optimistic romantic, guess I will never learn, but in that trail of my memories, marked by events forgotten, there are so many areas where I find refreshment, feeding from oasis, of beauty and love, that today and somewhere in my tomorrows, as I taste the joys of life,again will I drink from loves cup. Au naturale,hehe, I think thats right, I am one who believes that love occurs naturally, without force,and once gifted it can not be forced but dances it own course,never have I ever felt that love is ownership,rather it allows freedom,for once constrained by rules and behaviour determined by, instead of a desire to,love suffocates. Love, in its truest form, unblemished, puts us at the pinnacle of humanity. Is it not here,that the weakest become super,that trust, honesty, and a natural desire to put another before ones self, where we become defined by nothing more then the joy of that love,destitute,poor,ill formed,all those things,melt in loves rapture and here is the one place we can stand naked with all our faults,for in the presence of anothers love we stand glorified and with no shame, of  just being who we are.
     A common denominator, in all of humanity, is that of a love never spoken,a trail of listness nights, questions forever unanswerred,trails of tears,and the never ending question that can knock right up to deaths door, what if I had just said something, anything to let someone know how I felt. I with my head held down have also weeped into this soft brook of ripples,currents creating gentle whirlpools, where in patches of deep stillness ,reflections of my face showing a touch of sadness, a knowledge that born from the beauty of  a love unspoken, and the sparkle in my eyes that shows the character constructed through that loss that states never again!!!! For, who knows, with the exception of Cupid where his arrow may strike, and what winds of chance will direct its path, since I am but a mortal, I will take the chance,would rather suffer the pain of rejection then lie in tossed sheets beset by the question of what if I had.
     For my wife,who I still think of with care, there is  a feeling of sadness in her denial of what is apparent to all who know her. Not in her actions, but in her inability to fly with the truth of her feelings, I have never owned her,and caging herself, to please others, saddens me,for I would rather see her fly among the stars,unrestrained by lifes gravity, to see that smile and hear her laughter,loud ,and unabashed, though I may cry inside,knowing it comes not from me, the joy of seeing a beautiful bird take wing,well that,that is something we all rejoice in.
      Writing this I am amazed by the flux of emotions that have shaken me from,laughter to tears,its onslaught, like a  rivers current carrying you along fiercely, while soft walls of  green moss protect me from being jarred on its banks. To be human, to feel alive, it is so much better than to just exist, plus, what of the beauty of memories just pass, the exhilartion of yesterdays peaks and yes shallow valleys, for those moments, if there is a price, with a smile I pay the price,for tomorrow holds we know not, but my yesterdays, the strength for those days yet to come.

the quiet loneliness

       What a beautiful day,clouds floating in the the sky.like soft pillows of cotton,while the sun shined with a crispness,warming a soft wind,that softly kisses your skin. A day I am in need of to balance this sense of quiet emptiness,bewildering by its appearance,while within a stop sign sits,keeping me safe,from having to look into the mirror, revealing too many truths, knowing that once I pass, dreams from visions, carried in fragile vessels, will gently crack,and as their fragments fall apart, this child in emotional innocence will once again have to dress in the rainments of a man, picking up the shattered fragments, so in days to come, as I act like a man, the innocent child can put the pieces together, warmed by the beauty,that shines, cracks glistened with that glue of memories unsure, softly glowing with wishes unfullfilled, dreams that were never real, while drips of tears never cried will softly keep them safely afloat, yesterdays travels,shaping todays man,with a quiet inner beauty, for tomorrow he still will retain the belief ,to dream,is to make it possible. Armor I must now don, a shield so I can hide, the ring, which is now but metal, protects me from all, but mainly myself.
      I, who had no problem in being swept away, entering improbable dreams of my own creation, had  no idea, of the quiet loneliness that would replace those dreams,when all was done. Truth, I had no problem  with while I dreamed, and I accept it now, it is that I can feel its mark. Branded, slightly singed, I would not change a moment, for my yesterdays, in their wonder, will carry me through my tomorrows.
      ROAR, I MUST!!!!!! My rebirth, the metamophasis, in quiet has begun. A day,where I surround myself with lifes realities, stock market earlier, where in adverse reaction to my quiet actually did well, the tv rambling through its passes,switching channels only twice, once in weakness to cmtv, foolish in my weakness, believing I would catch a quick glimpse, where I shook off my foolishness, with a quickness so as not to act or feel the fool. I went so far as to look at porn, momentairly, only to feel as if it cheapened something.Lordy, first time in a bit, which actually made me ask myself a question. I believe it is possible that with all going on in my life, maybe I have just been living my life, to maintain its existence.
      The reveal of days past, months,the last couple of years actually, I guess it is time. A skeleton,is all I can reveal, for its flesh, is gone, while I in all honesty, do not wish to look back and see or feel
its touch on my mind. My son, 39 years old, I say this as he is biologically, was released from jail on parole with 10 years still left, Without going into detail we met a few years before he was put in, and all seemed to go well, except for the bitterness he felt toward my step children who are a part of me though not in the flesh. Needing a place to stay, I offered him a place here, over the course of time,our relationship became estranged, which he blamed me for, puzzeled and confused, I attempted to do all that I could ,using the memories of my father to assist me. He first worked with me, and then got a job working concrete,in which he is skilled. Surprisingly, my wife and him seemed to get along well together, previously they had not,arguing occasionally. I am at a loss here, I have never considered myself a great lover, actually I am barely adequate, hehe. I dont know ,but well endowed I am not and quick,but I love foreplay and fooling around, in my defense.Hehe, well at least I am laughing, I have always believed that people can be attracted to someone physically, while loving another, I am one of those who will raise hell if you try to hold my womans hand or put your arm  around her, but fucking, that is no differeent then mutual masterbation. Of course when you tell your partner that, they never believe it, thinking you just want some strange,hehe. Ok, back to the bones, I would come home and they would be talking on our bed, she would give him hugs, shower him with affection,and I would get furious inside,sometimes shaking when talking to him trying to control my temper. You see, I dont know him that well, she keeps saying she is just trying to mother him and he is recieving more affection ,then she gives me. He moves out, and she starts staying out all night,misinforming of where she has been. While all this is going on, with the exception of her son who still lives at home, I am trying to keep the three girls unaware of the situation, which they discover on their own. All hell ,broke loose and it happens Christmas is close, to me the important thing is to keep the grandkids innocent of everything,they run from 14 0n down, and I did not want to see them confused by their grandmothers actions. The wife says she likes him and is trying to help him, I am trying to keep myself under control, maintaining  an illusion of normalcy. The worst of it,for me, was two things, she was so happy when talking to him or being with him, I told her they should move in together, that it was obvious to me she loved him, at least cared more for himi though it killed me to see she was happier, being a romantic,and once i accepted that it is what it is, her denial of her feelings,saddened me..
        Love, is one of those things we dont have any control over, maybe some do, but in conversation with others, and for me, it happens without our permission,hehehe. Now  lets get serious delirously, for love does that.It happens without any regard to our situation,and shows no discrimination in its victims.Single, or in a relationship, a person you could not abide 6 months ago, age, younger older, intelligent,or one of common sense, sometimes one with no sense or they would not be with you,hehehe,a joke but I am feeling better. Love, cupids arrow strikes, with no fanfare, denial, sure it is possible, you feel it keep telling yourself for whatever reason, it is not what it is , while it eats at you, to be in your future, when it becomes that one thing in all your wisdom, you most regret not being true to. There is no substitute, in my world, when two people feel it,problems,well they are endurable, without it material things cant fill its space, it is the most precious gift in my world, and  the denial of its existence, is a denial of being alive.
       I am going to go now, I feel better and tomorrrow is a new day.          

Its too darn cold

    Monday,weekend is gone,stock market down,the weather is freezing,a long lost friend who wrote me off,my bad,found me on facebook and with all that,life is good,hehe,I am never gonna get rich,darn it.I am laughing, wondering where the hell this is gonna end up, I truly have no idea.Small whisps of ideas keep circling around this grey matter,seeking a place to rest,and puff another thought explodes preventing any settlement for a primary thought. I have to keep going back and changing i to I,which is a pain, but politically correct,in the english language,plus it lets me say something without saying anything,while I try to figure out what to say,hehe.
    Market keeps going downnnnnnnnnn.Hehehe,did I mention Natalie Stovall,looked ravishing the other night.She was wearing a tiarra,for her show,and looked like a beautiful,fairy queen in full size,her eyes amaze me with their intensity.Last nights show was actually one of her better ones in my opinion.First ,it was about 46 degrees out,froze my butt off. Awhile back, last year or the year before, I left one of her shows due to the cold,and being silly me, felt guilty about it ever since. Here is this wonderous creature,putting her best foot forward, to entertain,and I whimped out and left,while she stayed and performed. Well, I stayed the course last night, at least for her show,and then for a few more songs from the other band. Gawddddddd, I was wearing leather shoes and my feet were frozen solid, hehehe,oh what a man I am,hahahaha.She was outstanding though,due to the weather there were very few,people in attendance. She thrived on it,I have no idea where here head was at, but when a group is first starting before they become popular and your performance is from the heart,I believe thats where last nights show came from. She even looked at me while she sang, in all honesty she probably looked at everyone there were so few, however for myself, it was the first time I did not feel as if she was avoiding me, since that magical night when we conversed and she said we were gonna dance together.
    Here is a funny,before the show, a member of GTA,came up to me and stated that he had decided to spend a week here and check it out. Upon seeing me he wanted to convey his and the groups thanks, due to the fact that I never hesitate to dance and show my appreciation of the fact they are playing. Sometimes they feel as if I get the party started, which was rather nice of him. We also talked about how a band can play the same song a number of times and it will never be the same twice, which then brought about the topic of the movie August Rush,where everything depicts another note or medly,no two the same. When I dance to the music of a live group it is these subtle differences, which I celebrate along with the fith note, that teasing often unheard note of musical celebration which makes my feet their own master and my body a visual celebration of the musical current flowing through me. It is funny,after hearing Natalie, I have noticed that i have to listen to a mix by tha dj,s before i can get myself back into dancing with another band, and i believe i have figured out the why now,hehehe.It is not because they appear drab after her,though they do ,hehehe,boys will be boys. When Natalie plays, musically,my senses are awakened to a higher sense of sensitivity, my senses retreating their shields,in the forceful true eruption of a playful communication of humanities feelings of life. Afterwards, the music of the dj, serves to balance, a field of music,where i can revert back to normal,attuned with the music per say, a place where I can come back from the the heavens ,touch earth and then when the next group plays,i am content with just going to the clouds, a good place ,while I miss the splendor of having danced with the stars.Now here I am proud,roaring with pleasure,for the words I wrote match so closely what I feel, and just to be a wiseguy,I am seeing Natalie in my mind with her eyes conveying a sensual ,well done,hehehehe.      I guess that came from inside for it was not there when I started that paragraph, lordy hehe, so back we go to pick it up,and no I am not gonna go back and change the I s in that last paragraph it can rest on its laurels as is.Ok., so the sound tech from Natalies band comes over afterwards,and we start talking. He described to me how he got the job, by taking a chance, by not being afraid to make his stand, and I told him, how the fact he got his dream,made my day. I took a chance, in talking to Natalie, and thaen in asking her to dance.While I have put her on a platform musically I have never lost sight of the fact she is a person , no different then anyone else. Therefore,she could with little thought rip me up, in oh so many ways,hehehe. In asking her to dance I set Myself up for rejection, even if unintended, and honestly who likes that, then of course with my mind,oh wellllll,Yes, I would do it again,for with the journey never taken,treasures are never found. I am so crazyyyyyyyyyy, I have never, for reasons unknown to me, ever taken the smart road, especially when it comes to a woman, i creat more problems for myself , simply  put I have never been logical, instead, all logic seems to get washed away, while I sit to the side and watch myself headed for disaster. I am such a fool, and nothing seems to work, maybe This will end my foolish ways.Hahahaha, as i wrote that, my mind is telling me then i would lose who I am and that I would hate to see, so I guess the pain is  apart of my journey.
     Last night when the sound tech and I were talking, he asked if I talked with Natalie and told him,not often. It is not that she does not make herself available publicly, she often makes herself available to the public if they want to talk with herr, and I could go over and I am sure she would talk to me. Strange I am, I want in some way to be special, hehehe, Who am I fooling, not me for sure, I think it has to do with our last conversation, I conveyed myself fairly well, and .At a loss of how to put this,but here goes nothing. She is surrounded by admirers,of all sorts, Even though I do admire her, I would not want to be one who feeds off her, not doing to good at this. People are attracted to her for a myriad of reasons, I from our first conversation just plain enjoy her, even though I know her not.Wierd i am,but I mean it,It is the person she is that I seek to know,and feel for. I do not want to be seen as a fan, or one who simply lusts for her beauty. Nor do i wish to be seen in that light. It is amazing, is it not, that when we let our defenses down, others may see it as normal behaviour, as it would be if I were the norm,hehehe, however if she fails to percieve what i have offered or understood what i was attempting to convey, then, perhaps it would be for the best,that i keep my distance. For in no way would i encroach on her without invitation, as I am sure she has endured enough of that.
      I am amazed at the way my mind wonders about,this is what happens when i have no plans,hehe,well i have to drop off an invoice.I pressure sprayed the sidewalks in front of the library on saturday,and sunday.That was actually fun,the weather was awesome the only thing missing was music, I really need to get a portable radio or an I tunes or something to listen to.I stayed home saturday night chilling, just watching t.v..Breaking news,Apple is releasing new phone , I know, but its offical now.Still no price.Stocks are still on downward swing though.i will conced that last week, was one of the worst I have experienced in awhile,and it is not getting any better,but faith i have,hehe.One of them is at least showing some life,and finally hit the pps I bought at.Yes, I am going out again tonight, last night for Natalie and Triggerproof will be playing,maybe I will post some videos.
       Deborah Buckley,a friend who was a true friend, that I screwed up.It has been years since we last talked,and I recieved a friend request from her,on facebook. If anyone knows me it is this woman,hehe,and she is one of the few to have seen me through all my ups and downs,my roller coaster of a life. Like a rock she was always there until I screwed it up,tried to find her, but never had any luck,now i discovered she lives in Canada,duhhhh.When i tell her of the twists and turns of my life since her dissapearance, I am sure she will have me laughing as she asks if I am ever gonna learn. I cant wait to talk to her and am sure she will be doing well,and on that note, i am gonna leave to get this house cleaned up. It is hell sleeping on the couch and then waking up to a messy kitchen and living room, oh well, my choice,no regret,sorrow yes, but true to what i thought was right.

Piece of me

       It is morning,about 8 a.m.,waiting for the market to open,yawnnn,lordy lordy ,got up at 6 to take wife to work ,which is good but too early for me ,hehehe.Have not posted for a couple ,as I like to do it in private when no one else is around.Really,want to do this but having to push myself,guess i am better at this late at night when my mind is running.
       O.k.,lets start with simple,lift some of this haze,and see what happens,I can do this,actually I am now smiling, with thoughts beginning to come forward, on what will appear here out of the recesses of my sparklin highways of thoughts,and the emotional yet toned down influences of the last couple of days.I have learned one thing,when trying to depict an emotional state of being it is best,to do so while its impact,is fresh.Duhhhhh,appears quite logical,but procasteration,is one of my faults.Hold on have to make a phone call,hehe.
      I am back,the phone call was to one of my suppliers to see if he had franchise rights to a product I use. Another supply company who has generated business for me,asked what kind of chemical I used to clean a floor,and being a little cautious, about handing out my secrets was hesitant to tell them,thinking he will tell someone else.I learned it is a product that he can not order but has bootlegged in the past for someone else,bad boy.At any rate I have decided on what to do and am glad i took the time to research it.
     Oh and just so you know I can not type for a darn and go back to make it more readible for anyone else.Market opens in sec.,so will be right back,hehe.Been kinda rough, for me here lately,account is down 25%,about 500.00,not much to some but a lot to me, and its been crazy cause,i am too heavily invested in one with 25% of my funds in one stock that goes up a little then comes down so i am stuck,more on the down though.Then i had another that shot up for a 100% return and sold it only to watch it go up for a 10 bagger,lordy,these penny stocks are hell, but i am laughing.Oh,well it is what it is and for better or worse, i do have fun with it.
    What else has been going on? Hmmmm,night before,this is one that will tickle my memories in the future.Haha,did I habdle the situation right or wrong,I am sure i will wonder about this one quite a bit.Darn stocks keep falling,hehe.To get back to the subject now,for the first time since i have been going out,i asked someone if they would dance with me,momentous occasion,hehe,at any rate she said she would,in the future,and i was elated,hell I was shocked,so anyway,i asked D.J.Beachhouse to find something very sensual to play for the following night,went home checked event calendar at Spinaker club to discover a band i really like was playing the same night as she was.they do this song by Barry White very well and i decided to wait for them to get there and ask if they would play it so I could dance with her to the song.Now,this was ,two nights ago,went to see Natalie Stovall play night before last,and told d,j,Beachouse,not ot bother playing the music.In trying to get his attention the other night I told his wife it was the first time I asked a woman to dance with me which surprised her.I told her all the other woman I danced with had always come up to me after Isaid no to going on the dance floor due to me being married.I explained that it looked like my marriage was heading south and therefore i ahd always constrained myself from asking anyone until I asked Natalie,so when I told Beachouse not too bother with nusic,she gave me a hug,feeling bad for me. Now, i did not go out last night,though I had intended to go to La Vela,and just got caught up on some sleep.Damn,i am sexy,hehe. Just went to take a leak forgot my glasses,went to pick them up,and looked in the mirror quickly and was pleasantly surprised,by my reflection.Actually,it dont happen that often and no I am not that egotistical,but we all have moments and I guess i just had one,hehe.I, do have the other days also.ughhhhhh,hehe.Back to subject,I swear i cant stop smiling,have i no sense,just checked market and stocks are still down,while i am sitting here with a grin on my face,LORDY.Tonight,i will probably go to La Vela and Spinnaker Beach club,just to chill and get my groove on.Grand Theft Audio or GTA,as they are known is playing tonightand there is aband playing at La Vela, I have not heard yet. There is only one bad thing I have noticed about Natalie Stovall and the Drive,once they play,no matter what band is playing next, I can not dance, or rather I have lost the desire to dance,I have no idea, if it is due,well actually i do know,what the hell,she is so good and i am so enraptured,that anything afterwards is BLAHHhhhhhhhh,hehe.So,I have to stand around,bored,wait for the dj to play some and then I get back in the groove,by the next set I am back to dancing,at a lower key of intensity,but still enjoying myself.Anticipation is making me think,is driving me crazy and no matter what,it will be ok.I can not wait for Sunday,hehe,asking for the dance,you know a thousand things could go wrong,hell,everything might,but just the thought that there is a slim chance it may go my way,is making me so damn high,and you know,it is kinda strange.Can we talk,O.K.,lets put it out there,the ,sorry,but i just have to say this is nuch more then i expected to type,write whatever,then when i started,it is like I have been possessed by some typig demon,hehe.O.K.,we back again,haha.So,I have always felt like there was a connection between her and I,usually she will look at me while she plays,but the other night I felt as if she was rtying not to show me any attention.Now,i will be the first to state,I have that ability to see things that are not there, but, I am mainly writing this to try to bring myself down to earth,cause i be flying high,hehe.Reality check.Soaring like this,slipping into quiet,yet exciting, I cant describe it,sitting here so quietly happy,trying so hard to put myself in check,exuberance of a multitude of emotions bursting like sunsflares in space,and my laughter inside,while i try to act normal. calm myself down,knowing for better or worse this is,she is a piece of me,and that I am so endebted to her for the knowledge that i am still capable of these whirlwind feelings,that show I am still alive,with no desire to stop their erratic course through my being,for I feel ALIVE.The price,that knowledge, that all could be for naught,not that i ask for anything,or even worse maybe to discover that i am just another person with no special thoughts in her mind,that,that really is or would be O.K.,I dont know,know her,anymore then she knows me,,the gift I have obtained,the splender,is in experiencing this musical dance,highlighted with so many different colors,explosions of emotion where musical notes sre formed by small explosions of color,across the unfolding blank page of my life,as each moment gets written,I can see the beauty as it becomes a part of who I am. I thank her for who she is,for the gift she gave,even if unwittingly,for becoming a piece of me.
         After all this,anything else i write will seem kinda dull,i know the word i want to use,but cant think of it,hehe.Sub climatic,or something like that.While i am sitting here typing this<i checked the market and it is worse,but you know what,that is only money,so many have an excess of it,I have little,but truly I believe I am happier,then they are.Which does not mean I dont worry about paying the bills it simply means money is not rated that high in my list.So I guess I probably end up worrying more then those who have their act together,hehe.
        Today I get to go to a bday party for two of my grandkids,that was humorous.First i used have instead of get,changed that because actually they are a gift in my heart and it is actually a joy to watch them grow,and then next using the word grandkids,well it just sounds more ancient then I feel,hehe.And you thought this was easy,haha,naw I am having fun.
       Went to act like a responsible person yesterday,actually this is kinda funny.I had to go to the repair shop to pick up a part no.for Donnas car,that they could not find anywhere but ebay,which meant we had to order it. I am running around trying to find the part at carstores and junyards,while trying to quelll my anxiety about what was going on with the stock market as I usually sit there and watch it like a hawk. I also realize i have to start doing more promotion for work and stop paying so much attention to the market,as it does not pay the bills.So,instead of coming home I,being the man I am,hehe,wentand talked to a few people about getting some work and lo and behold, picked up 1200,00 worth,Which of course made me happy,untill i thought about the fact i should be doing this all the time.Oh well, I am getting better,I hope,hehe.
        Think I am gonna call it quits here,oh oh,gotta brag a sec.hehe.Cleaned the a/c unit the other night,2 or 3 yrs, no filter and it was caked,could not find a filter that would dtay in,at any rate it sparkles,took like two to three hours but it is like new. A friend of mine gave me some professional cleaner,that stuff burns,and I used all my phones battery power,as i forgt to turn off flashlight,hehe,but it runs great,and I found a filter that works. In my defense,when they put in the unit they put it in 180 degrees out so you could not get filter in.Than told a friend about it and he made some suggestions which worked.So everyone is happy, except me,i do not like cold,as skinny as I am,I love the heat.That is it,life is good. It is now 11am,told you I cant type,but still smiling,and my spellcheck does not work either,hehe.        
  

pixels

       Ok,where and how to start.Duhhhhhh,lordy I must be nuts,hehehe. Well, i just watched the movie Pixels,for the first time,well about 2/3 of it and the kid in me loved it,not where she kills the smurf,they are adorable. It was just a good fun movie,at the right time.
       Today was a good day,with a rough patch,but i am smiling now,hehe,i wonder ,will I ever grow up? Sometimes I just dont think so,others want to grow up,conquer the world,become rich and famous. Myself,wellllll, i would not mind a little bit of fame, worldwide, of course,hehehe. Actually i have recieved the accolades that mean most to me,I am loved ,respected,sometimes called crazy, and eccentric by those that share a common denominator with me,love.Family ,friends, my peers,,in my world of people close to me,I am cared for.When i have a problem, I am blessed by the fact there is usually someone who will listen,with a desire to make my world better.
       My day,without making it too detailed. Woke up,took wife to finish her job,came home watched the stock market,sold a few shares,100.00 worth, about 9:30,went to help her finish the job,came home and watched the market till it closed,taking cat naps during.Picked up a check,which enabled me to pay for cigs and get my machine out out of the shop,broke now,hehe,really must have more desire for money,hehe. Visited my brother,man that boy talked my ear off, not normal for him , but it was great just listening.Went to do the floor at the piggly wiggly express,and was dancing as i worked,it had been a wonderful day.Reality check,wife called asking in an accusatory manner if I used her 20 dollar beal coupon,,and I did not,but what an argument,dug the reciept out,showed it to her and we are back to where we were not long ago. Sad,but this too is life.More on that another time. Oh, met the new owner of Southern,where i get supplies,this is going to be interesting I am sure.
      Eyes are twinkling and a smile with a touch of a smirk on my lips,as we leave the duldrums of ensuring my existence,flying to my own Never-never land. Peter pan am I ,with my Tinkerbell secretely inside, flying high,through blue skies,dark clouds,to dance on the light of colored stars,fairy silver,oceanic blue, firey red ,molten orange and teasingly drawing my feet across hungry black stars, thirsting to drink me in,while tinkerbells music keeps me afloat,
      I try,with my lousy memory,to remember when last I felt, so much in a simple,innocent hug.To an observer it would appear nice, but not all that,to be involved in it, a dream that became reality,fantasy unlocked,exotically erotic,sensual,beyond lust, merging turned liquid flowing into another,warmth cocooning inside,and out,lost in a slipstream,riding emersed with no thought of drowning,no struggle,not even of the thought this will end,a gift given with no thought from the other,except in innocence,so natural,so quick that there was no time for resistance,the ability to say no or stop,prevented by that touch, An estacy, that had been dreamed of in thoughts of another,now buried in yesterdays,captured me unwittingly through another, with a simple thought for any who read this. When,a dream, becomes real,when lifes beauty can be shown in such a simple gesture and all is that slipstream ride,only then will I stop feeling sorry for the fact,that irregardless of who you are, you have not experienced the beauty of my slipstream ride.
      Defenseless, afterwards I rush to erect some form of protection,stating I try to keep my distance,so as not to cause any problems, yet admitting i have always felt a connection,throwing up a shield with words of daring,when in all honesty,even in my fear,I wish her to fall off the edge of this world,entering mine.Knowing it will not be,the edge of the moment sharper,finer than a cold wind through an unseen crack.Nothing is lost,when what has been gained is immeasurable,unfathomable,and beautiful. Beyond all description.
      Amazment,keeps rearing,why? Satisfied, If there is to be nothing else,this would be enough.
       

lets do this-time

        Time, a unit or measurement that has been devised by man so we can mark moments of importance to us.Time,those events of emotional change which occur without any regard for time affecting our emotional being,unmeasurable in their spontaneous,unexpected, and overpowering ability to change our outlook on life.Occurances,where time ,as measured by man has no meaning,a shift where  a second becomes a moment,five minutes fly by to fast to comprehend the passage,and
actually defined by the event,time here does not exist in a way that it can be measured by science,the event occuring redefining it by its impact upon who am i am,the shift into this other time measured by changing who i am, reborn in some manner. Small changes,unnoticed by all, to changes noticed by many.
         Emotional i am,with no shame in that. I measure my life not by the the time of the atomic clock.Measurement of my life has been through the slipstrean of the other time ,where time does not exist to be measured by science but the impact of emotion,through an act,or thought.
         Good or bad,its affect is one that changes who i am,its effect,unmeasurable,sometimes life altering,at other times,momentary but always,always,evicting some change in who i am.Rarely is it a moment that can be measured by science,the explosion occuring with swiftness like the sting of a bee, slipping into that undefinable time stream.
         I am smiling,just had to go take a leak,and coming out looked in the mirror, my hair is kinda flying up from laying on the couch and watching tv. Inside of me i feel like there is a big smile painted,as i have experienced one of slipstreams in time.A good one,and i know in all honesty I dont feel like I am as old as science says,yet a photo has also informed i am,hehe. 2:20 am and i am like a kid,with the knowledge I am an adult, an older one, ok i said it. 60,I am ,I wrote that just to see if i could,haha,but be damned if i believe it or act it.
        I looked at the date on my last post and could not believe it has been so long,not that the time just slipped away,or that there has not beem plenty to write about.Honestly, i think i was just scared,
of being honest,because here i dont lie,kinda defeats the purpose when you lie to yourself,of being judged,and also the not liking what i read after i post it.
        When i began this blog,I aint gonna lie I wanted people,I know to read it.Now I sit here and wonder if that was really a good idea, truth can be a bitch,hehe.My truths may not concurr with anothers but its my blog and they can dispute it it but i have the right to state what i believe,hehe.
       Life is beautiful,not always and there have been some really bad things that have happened in my life since i last posted,but there is a beauty in just living life.The bad things well,they just serve to make the ordinary,beautiful,and the the beautiful things, amazing.
       I really should get some sleep, I have to get up at seven and do the socially correct thing of being responsible,hehe.i turn the tv off sometimes to make sure i go to sleep sometimes,and cant believe how that little act makes me feel like an adult,cause i really would rather stay up and watch it ,hehe.
      I,feel so silly,I have yet to have said one thing about why i am writing again and feel like a kid with a secret,that only he knows,the unveiling will be piece by piece,but just as a reminder to myself,hehe,let s seeeeeeeeeeeee.
      Clouds,purple,red,blue and grey,soft winds carress skin,eyes roam the heavens,a smile in evolution,warmth bathing me,as the clouds part,a ray of sunshine on my body just parked,a singular ray all on its own,found me ,warmed me and in that brief moment,time has gone,and the slipstream is
here.
      Anyone else may not understand,but I will,and now i am smiling with laughter in my heart,and in my private moment of sinful arrogance,i say ,not bad, Marino,not bad at all. hehehehehe