got a cold,hehehe

           ughhhh,i feel like shit,sick as a dog,but i am smiling,just checked with ace hardware and tomorrow is a definite so all good.life is humorous,full of different directions almost every minute of the day,hehe,and out of these directions our lives are formed.was just watching a movie about two people in love,one in service and the other a person in psyche ward.the moral,the guy in service is told that his love is not in her best interest,so as much as he loves her he dosent respond to her letters,finally she says the hell with it and goes straight to his hospital.where he overwhelmed by her,surrenders to the love he feels,happy ending.often in life we make decisions ,based on whats best for someone else,according to our or others thoughts.i am trying to think this through here,say it right.the girl in the movie was schizophrenic,everyone thought his love or their being together was detrimental to her mental health,actually his acceptance of her for who she was,coupled with his love,calmed her down.the actual reverse of everyone elses thoughts,you,in return have to give her credit for believing enough in their love to show him.she goes to the hospital he is in,he wakes up and she is there,that is all she wrote.yup,i am loving it,for more personal reasons.every relationship,and i mean everyone,the woman has always been the one that ties the bind.
             outgoing , boisterous,and sometimes too loud,thats my forte,except,this is the funny thing,with women i don't know or women i have developed feelings for.here they have to be the instigators,for here i am scared.lordy,lordy,so strange i be,some of it has to do with my sexual insecurities,never had a one night stand,crazy huh,always had to feel those women out first,not physically,emotionally,see where they are coming from,you know.it sucks being sick,lets get back to issue here,just wanted to bitch,hehehe.the other side of the coin,putting it simply,trust.my mother,ok,i know,let me explain,was a very beautiful woman,modeled for black velvet,etc.in addition,the most manipulative woman i ever met,she could get her men to do almost anything for her,then shut them out.i,hell man,even today,i trust at first,but if you do something,i wont say a thing,i just don't forget.whats even worst,fear,so scared of laying myself out there,i run.shit,without alcohol,and i have not drank i over twenty years,i am even afraid to kiss a girl.now,i am married,but we all know their are opportunities,here i use my marriage as an excuse,hehehe,just dont have the balls.i do respect my wife,i am just being blatantly honest.so aint all this a trip,and with out being arrogant,women tell me i am handsome,so there just aint no telling is there.i am sure you have heard that beautiful women,and handsome men,far from having those exciting lives we hear of,are the loneliest people in the world,if i am handsome,then i fall into the latter category.i realize that dosent say a lot about my marriage,its not that we don't love one another,its two different ways of love.i am a romantic,she hates romance,dont ask,it was not always like that.
              life,so full of dreams,so empty of what nurtures me,so close,yet so far away.what a mess,a true quandary,a morass,ever deepening threatening to drown me,i try to use logic,i fight everyday,looking for a positive in every light.the fear does not go away,master of my own destiny,always running,what a joke.i belong to that group,the one who always appears to have things in some kind of control,always keeping themselves hidden.i know,money,financial things dont rule my world, substitutes,that all they are.what sense is there in accomplishing great things monetarily if there is an emotional bankruptcy.like the serpent eating its tail,the circle simply gets smaller, strangling,vicious,not out of a lack of knowledge in prevention of the noose,
the inability of conquering mine own fear.substituting,using all the other successes,small as they may be,to cover mine own singular fear,which truly defines my life today and in my future.i even have discovered that i don't give 110 percent in trying to become more financially successful,its a lack of desire,decreased by hunger of the other,and maybe a desire to fall,which may make me become braver in other ways.what a fucked up way to go,huh.i dont know,only time will tell,and with time anything is possible.            

the secret in their eyes

        wow,a first one right after the other,posts that is,monumental day,night,thought i would have been asleep awhile ago.cant believe its 4:30 am,and here i am.a lot goin on,mainly in my mind,and playing those silly games in my head.christine came by earlier to pick up scotman but he was running late,asked her about madisons party and she told me she just forgot to call me and then,hehe,said she thought she called me.so at least i was right about that,i just dont rate,and you know thats ok,at least now its straight and i wont torture myself anymore.i would rather know that someone dosent care,or that i am not that important in their life,then to decieve myself with false feelings,its not wrong to love or care for someone,and they have the right not to care or love in return,its a personal thing.the big upsets emotionally come from people misconstruing each others feelings or desires.in addition i will,hehehe,soon have gas money and can visit the little ones,a bit more.
         poor scotty,i unloaded on the poor guy,all the way to christines,he dealt with it and i wanted to give him a hug goodbye,but did not want to embarrass him,and damned if he did not lean over and give me a hug before he got out of the truck.thats the most honest feeling of affection i have had in a long time,and it made me feel a lot better about my life.sometimes it only takes a little demonstration of affection to fill a deep void.oh and saw the wife on skype tonight,that was fun,voice was more realistic too so all good there,just so many questions,shutting down that train of thought.
          thought about going to la velas but naw,decided to just go home.cooked up a steak raw,and sauted some fresh white mushrooms,in a butter sauce with garlic and hot sauce.melted in my mouth,then felt guilty cause i did not save max any.watching the end of a vampire movie,where the vampires came out ahead,finally,and proceeded to call it a night and lo and behold,on comes this movie,ok,i was scanning and thought it looked intriguing,the secret in their eyes.
          i could write a book on the emotional overture,this movie evoked,but someone already wrote the book for the movie,hehehe.deja vue,all over the place,unlike myself the movie even made sense,it concerns a police officer, Argentina,i believe,anyway it was subtitled,who now retired decides he wants to write a novel about an old case,and the rest,ahh,lies in their eyes.anyways now i have been up all night and done my emotional whirlwind,typing this,thinking that,and trying to stop my mind ,heart and body,so i can sleep.i cant stop thinking about that movie,my life and how life just passes by.ok its 5:30,i am going to go to sleep,hopefully,and will get up before 12,so goodnight,good love and i hope you take the time to see the movie

the reunion

          swirling thoughts of every hue,color my mind, kaleidoscopic of colors,from the depressed black to the shiny silver of a job well done.so much it tangles my mind,colors,emotions,weaving,tightening,loosening,in  chaotic timing.one second,a half hour,emotions play with my mind telling me things,while logic keeps raising its head trying to use common sense to balance it all out.its hell being human,and no denial,i would not allow it,the desire to quit,to call an end to this,a surrender to the unfairness of it all,at least in my mind.with death there would be an end to this torture i bring to myself with thoughts,alas i love the beauty of life too much,for here i sit upset,alone,mad about some things,enough to sit here and commit it to eternity,still the beauty of living,pictures of scenes as i drive,the knowledge i will be sure to give someone a reason to smile at me,gives me a desire to go on,even as i stay mad at myself for allowing life's wonders to give me hope for a better day,a fuller life and someday,somewhere,an opportunity to ease this loving ,but deprived heart of mine.

         everyone with the exception of myself,stop the pity marino,is going up to boston,for the macleod reunion,i am pissed and hurt.and oh so sadddddddd.not one person made an effort to reach out to me and ask if i would like to go.alienated from them all,a divorce if not in paper through action,from them all.my wife,she knows how rough the money situation has been,i don't burden her with everything it would just make her stress out,yet she has enough knowledge that you would have thought she would have tried for me,i admit my pride is an issue here,yet i feel justified,i asked for help once and was disappointed with the results,i don't ask twice.funny,this is the first week,hurrah,that i am getting into the black financially,bills are getting paid should be able to double mortgage this month and things are definitely on the upswing financially.

          was not invited to the birthday party last weekend and thats where it really started,plus when i talked to the wife about it,she was evasive,stating that she did not know anything about Madisons party. separation,its a bitch in itself,this was getting to be like a bad movie,you know,one of those,where you step in the quicksand and you want to believe that green,thin,branch you are pulling yourself up with is gonna be strong enough,wrapping your hands around it,pulling yourself out,while in your mind you are praying the roots aren't going too come out from your weight.displacement,a withdrawal of,logic telling you of your insignificance in their life,telling you that its because they are adults on their own now, emotional wreckage from the feeling of not being cared for.life goes on,you cannot make something it is not,and to modify it through an attempt,is to make a lie of what i seek.

          yesterday was simply a great day,i picked up check,nice one,that i busted my butt for,and got wife's money in bank,her cigs off,and paid liability.today i took care of the rest of the bills i had cash for and was responsible enough not to,repeat not to go to walmart.after last weeks episode i learned my lesson,however after checking everything out i might,ok,no lying i will go to walmart tonite.express lane,had their semi annual inspection on the beach stores today,and i think i did myself proud,actually i know i did.one of the managers,garmin,xl 1,had a rough week,his mother passed away and then the funeral was the day before the inspection,unfortunately for him his help failed him,so,on his return he walked into a mess.the d.m. told me he had removed some carpet strips,from the store and i went back to buff it out for garmin,poor guy was having a rough day so ended up staying till about 10:30 or 11:00.24 hour day,first in awhile,but it felt good,especially helping garmin,the look on his face when i told him there was no charge,he was a good guy,made it all worthwhile,sometimes people just need to know someone cares.

          work was an experience this week,my buffer died last week and it is still down.hopefully the parts will come in tomorrow,if not i proved to myself i can still use my stripping buffer,did that all week,and though at first i was upset,i remembered when that was all i had earlier this year,taking 4 hours to do a store,if not longer,so i just got grateful my high speed was working and got to it.bristol,ah that was a trip to hell,tar had permeated the the tile so not only did i have to strip the wax,then had to grind the tile,to get it white.i still think i have to make the white a little brighter but all in time,that will take new pads,and at 25 bucks a shot will have to wait till next time i scrub.tomorrow i have to call ace in mexico beach and confirm work on sunday,hopefully all goes well,loving the money.i am going to start,i know its hard to believe,sales,finally enough money for gas,cant go to crazy but it will definitely be an upturn of events,and yes i am proud of myself.not to be getting too far ahead of myself but week after that,i wont have to worry about gas,too much.i was so mortified last week,after my little put in check,by the electric co,having to borrow  gas twice in one week,well little leery,about spending money this week

           my blog served its purpose,i got to vent,and i feel ohhhhhhhhh,so much better,i am going to walmart,hehehe.you know sometimes i look at the stats on my blog and have to admit disappointment rears,then i am grateful that i don't have to worry about anyone reading it,allowing me to just be me,crazy,huh.thankful i am if,for those that do read,and i wish you the light of love,for with it all things are possible.

my week

    its been a bit,just stuff going on and being LAZY,heehe.now where should i start,well,this has been on my mind so lets start here.toucans,the bar in mexico beach,had me do their floor again,even allowing me to skip scrubbing behind bar and paying same price,that says something in itself.anyway,the owners son came in and i caught him taking beer out of the bar,stuffing them in his pants,duhhh,so called night manager in room ,told him about it and he called the owners son back.i don't know why but i have to admit,i was so hot about the kid stealing from his family i was ready to take him apart if he lied about it,instead he saw me watching and just said something like he said that,and then left without looking at me as he went.it was weird that i got so fired up about it,i was ready to take him down hard and could not figure out why.later,the only thing i could figure is that i lost a contract once before from a girl stealing from her parents and it must have just been like deja vue,plus someone could lose their job because of inventory problems stemming from this.but i guess all good.then i did a couple of other jobs for a guy and he is constantly praising my work and trying to get cheaper price,so finally i just told him pay up or not,i was taking less,and if he did not pay i would not do any more work for him,he paid and hopefully that put an end to that b/s,we will see.express lane work went well,and had an interesting conversation with the operations manager,where i told him,that every week i felt i would find a note stating my services were no longer required,he said that as i had been there for so long before he started and was still there,i would really have to screw up to lose contract.i reminded him he told me i would get some stores which did not happen and that i was just letting him know how i felt,which made me feel better,anyways.
     then we have today,well it started yesterday,hahaha,i picked up my check from xlane,and operations manager asked me to fix some tiles in eastpoint store so i agreed,could use the cash you know.cash my check paid bills and felt i was on a roll since i still had 200 left over,went to walmart,and splurged,hehehe,been awhile since i personally had any cash.i spent like 53 dollars on food and yes i bought some tank shirts and socks,i know but thought i deserved it,hehehe.so get home eat dinner fell asleep early and woke up about 5,i had to go to home depot to pick up supplies for the job so started cleaning my desk up,OH NO,found electric bill for 170 and disconnect date was feb 27,couple of days ago,lordy,lordy,when i mess up i do it right,hahaha.so now i am freaked out,called electric company and because disconnect was in field too late to change.grabbed my change out of candy dish,went to store next door and borrowed 50 in gas.then went to wally world and used coinstar,which for the first time broke down,hehehe.you gotta laugh,so they fix machine,thank god the lady was nice and it was quiet in the store,somebody must have been looking out for me,then i go to home depot and the tile i need is one of the few you can buy by the piece as i did not have enough for a whole case,at least not now.so get the 20 pieces buy the glue and totals about 25 bucks,ok we are on a roll now drive to gulf power and read my e reader while i wait for it to open.first in line,soooo unusual for me,hehehe,so i pay the bill and ask if power was still on,she said all good,i had left a note on box,asking power people to give me till 8:30 when office opened,so all is good and i am happy,happy,happy.run to eastpoint do the job and come back,got paid less then i expected but electric is on and got 50 dollars left.
     crashed on the couch for a couple then kenny who used to work with me,called to remind me his niece was competing at tootsies in pier park,i had previously told him i would go so off i went.i got lost in that place and could not find tootsies,eventually i found it and it was pretty good,especially considering it was country music place,his niece ended up getting 2nd place and it was a pretty good time,and yup did dance a little bit.then i went to walmart spent 8 dollars on baking stuff,and came home about 10:00.cooked some spaghetti,made some chocolate chip cookies,and chilled.watched a great comedy show,all star comedy jamit was hilarious,laughed my butt off,what little i have,hehehe.then,would you believe the oven would not shut off,i know,sounds crazy,but it wouldn't,finally just flipped the breaker and will deal with that tomorrow,hahaha.it was crazy,good week,worked thru some fears,stood up for myself and just kept on going,and finished it with a smile,so you know not bad,will deal with finances and all as they come up.you know as i was taking a bath,now,now,behave,i was reading and chilling and thought of things i still want to accomplish,diving,driving on a race course,cross country on a bike,play the stock market and become rich,hahahaha.all i know is that i enjoy being alive,and broke i may be but filled with a desire to live life and proud of myself i am.on that note i said adieu and am going to try to get some sleep,love to all and everyone,goodnight.