i told someone i respect a little bit about myself and my past,known each other for years,and the funny thing is i typed it out and then almost did not deliver it.fear of telling too much,or a judgement not in my favor,i honestly don't know.i do know i finally overcame my fear,which had been non existent in the typing of the letter,and decided to trust in my original belief.that this was a person i do trust and that my belief in him was the same,it was my insecurity of self,that almost stopped me.being an emotional person i do things on impulse,and you would be amazed how often it works,as long as i am using a little common sense,hahaha.most of my mistakes come from second guessing my own decisions or defeating myself. one of the things about taking quick action on an idea is that there is less time to contemplate failure in my mind before i take action.we are our worst enemy,at least i am occasionally.i love to dance,there is something about it that makes me feel a part of,its a way i communicate with the world and while i am no michael jackson,i am not too bad.i can go to a club and listen to the music getting all wrapped up in it and i have no problem dancing to the side of the dance floor.you know like next to rails or bee bopping next to the bar.now women intimidate me ,really,so i usually dance by myself.the hard part comes if people are or were watching me is getting onto the dance floor proper.i think too many negative thoughts and defeat myself,its crazy but i have stood at the edge of that dance floor freaking myself out so many times,that i end up worse then when i went in.its that second guessing,as if i do work up the courage,people actually only seem to enjoy what i do,especially if i am getting lost in the music.its humorous that i who try so hard to be who am i with no impositions,allow the voices of others stating i am too old or that i dance like an old timer,prevent me from doing what i love best.the fraility of my ego,lordy,lordy.i am proud of my freedom when i do finally cut loose,and you know its amazing i can not recall one bad situation ever arising,except for the demons in my own mind.of course once i start dancing they are gone,people actually smile,and life is GREAT.i don't know if i will actually go out tomorrow night,i do know it will all depend on my state of mind.the thoughts i have that ,define my actions,they are never simple,unless i am acting on impulse.if i am working on something in my mind,in five minutes i will have numerous questions and answers that tend to overwhelm even the simplest of problems,if someone asks for an answer,i usually can snap one out no problem,with a fair degree of  being correct in answer.its that branching off of the root ,with all its little splinters,running helter skelter in all directions where i tend to get mired.so usually the best answer is the first one,in its clarity,before the distortion of my mind sets in.i will state that some of the best things in my life came from that decision the one where i did not think it through,where i just went with the flow,thoughts and emotions concurring this is right.its like being in tune with your environment,at one with the question,the answer coming from within,without thought as if you knew it rightness,from a space within,either your heart or your mind.my memory as i have stated before, isn't all that good ,so maybe the answer came from dealing with a similar situation,i had forgotten.if that's true i really envy those who have good memory recall,as that must be really neat,to recollect a situation and draw on that experience,for me ,unfortunately i generally have to play it by ear.it is fun though,and honestly speaking,when i come up with my,uhummm,innovative solution,i do grow in self esteem and confidence.so i guess it has its pros and cons,at any rate.so i guess that's it for now,will have to see what happens tomorrow night and until then,have a goooooooooood day,yeah there's some love for you,did you think i would let you go through your day without some,later,marino.

hi

well,lets see,took ,own the christmas tree today,its standing up in the driveway,looks taller then the gutter,makes you wonder how i got it in,haha.not too much on my mind today,grateful i made it through the week actually,was not too bad,just trying to get it all together,but i am sure a lot of people are doing the same.an interesting fact that i have come to notice about myself is i am not watching too much t.v.,that may sound strange but,i read a lot more lately.bought a new hardcover by laurel hamilton,part of her vampire series,inexspensive at wal mart.keep wanting to buy the dragon tattoo but keep passing it up,must be waiting for something special or whatever.usually  i cant wait to get my hands on a new book,but kinda taking my time with this one.new years is almost here,wondering what i am gonna do,i want to go out in a halfhearted fashion,afraid i will miss out on something.what i have no idea,but don't want to stay home alone.of course,watching every one else may be slightly depressing so i guess we will see.sometimes,as much as i like being a homebody,i feel as if life is passing me by,or that i am just a passenger.i am definitely going to work on generating some more business,after the holidays.with all that has occurred in my life this year,i guess i woke up and smelled the coffee.now i just have to put action to my thoughts.everything else is kinda falling into a rythmn,so i think its time to bust a move and shake the world up with my presence.hahaha,but,i am not kidding,check me out this time next year,i assure you things will be different.i am kinda excited to see what develops in my life,in the next few months,i find myself anticipating not what can or could be,but the mystery of what will be.i hunger for something,the mystery of what will feed my hunger is presently an unknown but i have no fear of something unknown.i think sometimes we fear whats in us more then the unexpected.our self doubts,the thought that another may percieve our weaknesses,and misgivings,the face we present to the world melting by anothers gaze,revealing ourself with all our frailities.think of how much courage it takes us to face the world everyday,knowing we may stumble or fall in front of another,risking a possibility of just being human,and we do it.everyday we face a world where we can be hurt or humiliated,demonstrating the strength of just being ourselves,in the simple act of living.going out on a limb,reaching for the dream,overcoming our shadows,refusing to just be ,wanting more and willing to face rejection in our pursuits,this is where we become more than,where we outshine the stars.creation of our lives,pursuit of dreams,in this adventure of life ,here we shine,becoming the beacons for others to follow,or share,in the light,of our pursuit of happiness. irregardless of what we desire,love,money,the idea of happiness,that which is important to ourself,in its pursuit,we distinguish ourselves in not settling for less.though sometimes i will admit knowing when we have achieved enough,that ability,to say i am content,is possibly the most difficult decision.its as if even though we are content,we cant deny the possibilty that maybe a little more,a different view,will finally fill that hunger,the one that suddenly erupts when all is good.i dont know,i am only human,will i ever conquer this hunger,maybe i should go on a diet,hahaha,well thats all for now,may you have a nice new years and may there be joy in your heart.

lets see

Christmas morning,a lovely day,so many thoughts crowding the busy hallways of my mind.remember whens,whats tomorrow hold,xmas for the future,and what of the people of my past.its quiet here,been reading,watching tv and all is a kind of semi peacefulness.Cooking a chicken,for something to do,been procrastinating about that for sure,good day to get it done.The little ones came over last night,it was everything you would hope for,presents being ripped up,smiles on everyone's faces,and in the middle of this whirlwind of joyous activity,a kind of quiet reflection of my life,taking me down paths,surprising me with the impact of their variety.I wonder,what turns my life will take in the future,will i look back and smile,what secrets does my future hold,only the gods know.Looking back,i see things ,i could have done differently,but its that way for all of us.regrets,not too many,my life has been good,happy with who i am,in general,though there are some things i would change,procrastination being key, acknowledging the fact that if i really wanted to change i could,just too damn lazy,i think.I wonder,do i settle for less,am i too easily content,what drives others to do the things i dream of,knowing i am as capable as,but more or less happy with what is.Does this make me less then,i don't know,i don't think so,but it does leave questions in my mind.when turbulence occurs in my life,the adrenaline flows and a rush goes through me,it is when i am at my best.Does this mean i am only good when my life is chaotic,or that i need that chaos to bring out the best in me.I truly have no idea,and probably never will,just another facet to me being me,i guess.I appreciate,my life and the good things ,for i have had the reality of the bad,at the same time i wonder,isnt there more?I tire of being alone,the best things or most important things in my life are those things of the heart.Am i wrong to hunger for the adrenaline,the rush of emotion,love.questions,am i acting as a child,unwilling to be content in the joy of what i have,its quiet serenity,unseductive in its peacefulness,lulling me to screw up,so i can kick myself in the butt in the future.Oh,well,its just random thoughts,meandering in my quiet times,gone later in the day never too surface.Quiet times can be the most dangerous,soothing and placid,hiding the tumultuous current waiting to sweep you off your feet as soon as you you think you have its measure.Thats part of my problem,the hunger for that rush,uncontent with the still,quiet waters of contentment,this is what gets me in trouble.It is a good day,that i know and so i will quietly take leave,enjoying the rest of my day.thoughts will crop up and more questions i am sure,but joy in the day and an appreciation for what i have,will be foremost in my heart.You know,life is not bad,hehhehe,so enjoy it ,we do not have forever,and tomorrow,well who knows what it may bring,loving you,me.

xmas shopping

Hi,i experienced a most wonderful day.Shopping for the grand-kids.The sights and emotions,a carnival of celebration and anticipation,evidenced by peoples faces,as they scurried through the stores,or stalled with smiles,brought about by,remember whens,as all united,in a glorious front to bring joy to someone else.People are forever talking about how hectic shopping becomes this close to that magical day called christmas.in my eyes it is a wondrous display of the true beauty,in being a human is.Only now do all try,without remorse or thought of self,to give,with a smile,to those cheerful souls,ringing the bells,in front of the stores,to aid another,they don't even know,without any thought of being scammed.How we smile and even try to help one another,stopping in our own mad rush,to help ensure someone else gets a gift,who we don't even know,by aiding that stranger searching in the same aisle.It is so wonderful,and it dosent seem to matter that i don't have a pocket full of money,it just feels so good in just the simple act of doing something so sweet,in its innocence,that i feel rich,for these children have hardly any idea of money or its value,they just relish in the joy of a magical day.They enjoy tearing the gifts open,as much as the gifts themselves,sometimes.I think its the magic of their innocence and the magic that they experience,we lose and hunger for as we get older.So i love being the child,i am in this mans body,hehehe,old enough to enjoy the thought,i was fortunate enough to bring a little joy to a child,childish enough to enjoy the pleasure of picking out that special gift,that i perceived as special for someone. I bought this little doll in a crib last night,its called,baby alive,she bounces up and down in her crib,making all these laughing giggles and stuff,had to move her to the table next to me ,so i could enjoy her precious antics.Plus she is keeping a smile on my face,i feel so tickled sharing this,but here is the beauty of christmas in another sense.we give sometimes,out of love,those things we would like for ourselves,hoping that another will enjoy the pleasure of a gift as much as we would.Unselfishly,and with love.Oh boy,she just laughed again,hehehehe,bouncing up and down in her crib.God i love the fact i am alive today,in addition i am watching soul food and she is auditioning for a dance part,and dancing is such a wonderful expression of joy.One of the most valuable things in my life is my time spent on the dance floor,expressing myself in my own way,feeling the music,that others cant hear,that magic called the fifth note known only to a few,not out of arrogance but out of a sense of being one with the music,a part of it ,not just the hearing of it,the sense of being a part of a rythymn encompassing not only your physical body,but an enveloping,and penetrating part of  your entire being,your essence and soul.Throughout my life i have always thought if i was half in good in bed as i felt on the dance floor,i would be another john holmes,hahahaha,alas the truth is,i am sadly just not that good,but dance,that made up for all my inefficiencies,to me anyway.Sorry girls.Funny,huh,2 different subjects,but both with similarities in the joy they bring us,how we lose sight of ourselves,and that we are gifting others with what we have,no more,no less,the feeling that for once it is good enough,just doing the best we can and that for those we love,that was good enough.I have wowed myself,if not you,and will end it on this final note,thank you for being a part of my world and merry christmas to all,love,marino.she just giggled again,hehehehe.

its thundering outside

Got off work an hour or so ago,its raining ,with loud bells of thunder,occasionally,which i love.Storms seem so primal and comforting at the same time,the steady,drop,drop,drop of rain,accompanied by loud booms of sound,quivering the air,vibrating against mans structures,demanding your knowledge of its existence.Hypnotically,drawing you to observe its fiery display,while it shatters your your puny humanity,with ponderous echoes of sound.I love taking a shower,being way too civilized,in warm water,while the elements are unleashing their forces.Thoughts of other times wrap themselves in a comfortable blanket within my mind,almost like being in a womb,of contentment,while hearing the thunder as you would a mothers heartbeat.Here i think happy thoughts,feel the fortunes of my life,give thanks for the joy i have discovered in living,for my life with all that it has entailed,has so many beautiful moments in it.
    My ability to remember things is really not that good,there have been times when i don't remember things others take for granted,and it is biased.Happy things or those things of pleasure seem to sparkle like the tips of a candle,lighting my memories with multiple paths of golden times.Bad things or memories of pain,seem to extinguish themselves in the light of my candles,until their light seems to overcome even the most bitter of times.They,whoever they are,say bad things will pass,with me ,except the daily hardships of life and a few others instances,its like it never happened,so maybe i have been given a gift.I don't know,as i cant say how anyone elses emotions work,life for me is sweeet memories,and the hopes of discovering even more.
    my life growing up,lo!!!!it was not easy.i left home when young,in my early teens,lived on the streets.turbulent times to say the least,made money,keeping score in bowling tournaments,that was a riot.people,at least in my memories,were always nice,bought you drinks,hot dogs or hamburgers,and tipped you .After doing it for a while certain teams would have you keep score for them and you would get to know the players fairly well.One lady,in particular comes to mind.i don't remember her name,but she appeared to be a pretty happy woman and fairly attractive also.she had a nice,and i do mean nice jaguar xke,the kind with 12 cylinders,sweeeeeeeet.Occasionally she would give me a ride after the games to where ever i was going,and even though i had no license,too young,would let me drive it.After awhile she confided to me with smiles that she was having an affair with some guy.Man did i feel like a real grownup,heres this attractive,rich woman,confiding in me,shes having an affair and then asks me to help her by taking her car for a little while,as she meets with her boyfriend.Now it didn't happen often and honestly i did not drive it around a lot as i did not want to go to jail,but damn i sure felt on top of the world when it did and she used to give me enough money afterwards so i did not have to resort to other methods to get food and stuff.Now that's my memory for you,life was difficult on the streets but,instead of remembering how cold it was,the hunger i am sure that i felt,or the fact i had no place to stay,for this period of my life,this bedazzling creature from another world,who made me feel like so much the man,brightens my memories of this magical time.So you tell me,am i not fortunate,instances like this pepper my life,sometimes i think about bad experiences,but my candles of joy always defeat the dark shadows,so i think i am pretty fortunate.The only bad thing is i have a serious tenacity to make the same mistakes,but its ok,because out of those mistakes there are usually golden kernels of joy,my mind will eat,to overcome those black abysses of life's sadder realities.Ah,if i could type better i would keep going but for now, that's a wrap,with me smiling at the keys,as i type goodnight,may your life have the sweetness of my memories and really i cant wish a sweeter thing for you,ttyl,marino.p/s i am going to get that dragon talking program one day,i feel for you then hahahaha.

putting up the xmas tree

usually one of the happiest of times,now a reminder of how much i failed,in one of my most important endeavors of my life,family,the base from which we grow or attempt to in the creation of.I have a tendacy to forget where i put things,and was trying to find the xmas ornaments,found some but was mainly upset as i could not find the box that had the older ornaments in it,went crazy tearing up closets,searching attic,everywhere to no avail.see,my wife is gone,the kids,young adults i guess i should say,well i just am not an important part of their life.hell they wont even return my calls,it is what it is,be damned if i want to impose on them,i have made it this far,guess i can make it the rest of the way.thats why i freaked out over the ornaments,putting them on the tree,brings back the pleasant memories of being a part of,the sharing of a special time for all of us the knowledge,that no matter if we had lots of gifts or just a few,i had done the best i could,and the joy on all their faces,was a reward second to none.Putting up the newer ornaments gave me a sense of isolation,i know we all walk alone,in reality,but to be in the a group and realize you have been excluded,man that hurts.i will not ask for anyone to show me affection if they don't feel like it and i will be double damned if i will accept false emotion.tears weep inside me,but it is my pain,and you know what ,it just means i am still capable of loving and accepting the love of others.my biggest bitch is what did i do to push all so far away.it would be different if it was just one ,but ,for all to walk away.i know i have my faults,even know what some of them are,but i have never intentionally hurt any of them,and have gone out of my way to ensure it occasionally.sometimes i think i put myself out there as being to secure,emotionally strong or something.i remember when they were growing up how i tried to let them know through example it was ok to say i love you,guess i screwed that up,its sad the only ones who ever tell me they love me are the grandkids or one of my son in laws.i admit i screwed up in one form,not up for disscusion here yet,but 2 things drove me there,one the lonelinest i feel coming back in full force now,which i am going to be strong enough to overcome,the other thing was and still is a matter of complexity involving ,i guess i just am not ready to say anything about it,just it tore me up in every way and i guess its a no win situation without a happy or any kind of end,it is what it is.i am just not going to let anything including my emotions give me an excuse to screw up,i am better then that,i have to go on wanting the better things in life for myself,emotionally.alone,i am,deserving of love and and even though i feel excluded,refuse to lessen my outpouring of love,for that is me.my love for them is stronger then their denial of me,it is unconditional,i hurt,cry and sometimes dont want to go on.i will not surrender to dismay or allow myself to get lost,the strength of love i have for others,is the beacon that shows me how i can be loved and so i go on,undefeated,stronger,sadder,but hopefull of the future i may have.i refuse to accept less then,and will give more then you comprehend.i am emotional,i am proud of it,hurt me if you must,but defeating my desire for love,and the giving of,that you wont defeat.the tree looks good,all glittery and bright,kinda like me when i am trying to show i feel no pain,butits dying on the inside,me,i guess i died a little tonight but blogging this did help me to bring to come back to life,so if you read this and are feeling a little dismayed, don't be i want you to know things do get better,it just takes time sometimes,do you feel the love?hehehehe,later,marino.

who knows i just start hehehe

Work was great,and almost ran into a deer,hehehe,for real,watching one and another jumped in road,thank God,being a gamer,gives you quick reflexes.i play combat arms,and want to play call of duty but running xp so takes forever too load up.Being 56,i discover i lose some things i took for granted when younger,i also find myself losing things i never thought i would.I like to think of myself as a person who allows others to be themselves around me,but a fighter for the things that are important to me.Sadly the one thing i wont fight for is a relationship with the people i care for.Now that sounds strange and even too myself,i ask myself ,why not?.I don't know if its the life i have led,the desire not to be hurt,insecurity and doubt in myself or if I'm inhumane.Seriously,i do question myself all the time.Pain i feel,rips me,like a whirlpool,with the jagged limbs it carries,tearing at my emotions,ripping at me,bringing large waves of insecurity and doubt.Love so precious to me seems,so insignificant to others in my life,taken for granted,or have i just confused their affection for me,mistakenly,getting lost somewhere along the way?Hell i don't know,or i wouldn't be asking,not to be sure of how others feel,undermines even the strongest of individuals.I try honestly to let people i interact with know i care,am honest about my emotions for them,a lot of this stems from my own desire to be secure in the emotions,others state they feel for me.Having said all that,desiring to be honest,and for other reasons,i will state that one person in my life does not know my true feelings for that person.Its not bad at all but a different subject,another time,when and if i am ever strong enough.I have never been ashamed of being an emotional person and the rewards i have received in the past,ease the hurt and pain i endure at times today.i simply wish,here i laugh,as i am sure its not in my human nature,that i did not let it bother me so much.No pain,no gain,if you are too afraid of getting hurt,you will never stand the possibility of being loved or loving another completely,for the fear will inhibit your love.Damn that sounds so good,and rings so true.I,think one reason i am the way i am,is because,for me to ask others to show they care,defeats the purpose of accepting what they offer,without conditions,defeating what i honestly hunger for which is unconditional.In return i guess i accept,the pain of honesty,the knowledge that,that is their limits of affection.Don't misunderstand me,unconditional does not mean i am always right or that others are wrong,unconditional is interaction with others,who respect you,your beliefs,thoughts while retaining those same rights for themselves.Have you ever met a couple who never argue,scream,or fight,professing their love for each other,through action.They may disagree,even vehemently,about some things,but the respect and love for one another also incorporates an ability to disagree,with respect,and at times an admission that they can both be right.No,you don't see,it a lot but when you do,either you think they just argue when no ones around or it makes you hungry for the same thing.I have personally witnessed couples with relationships of that ilk,one especially during my childhood.That relationship,had a lot to do with my beliefs today.I had numerous step parents growing up,and meeting this couple,experiencing their love for one another,provided me with one of the few islands of emotional stability,i was to experience,in my turbulent life.During my youth,I guess it also created a hunger,for the same in my life,however it is what it is,and while such relationships do occur,i will agree they are not the norm,unfortunately.As for me,i will accept what i have,for it is,in all honesty,my choice.

a little about me

for those of you who dont know me,i suppose i should tell a little about me.my name is marino vorrosso,im 56,and for work,i strip and wax floors in convienence stores,and,i work nights.i love to read,people,and talk.my life has been pretty good,in general,and has a lot of ups and downs.i am married,have children,grandchildren and all that goes with it.i dont neccessarily feel a part of their life,but it is what it is.currently my wife is staying in the boston area,taking care of her father,i reside in fl.,hate the cold weather up north.i do miss the culture of boston,the people and all that,especially the 4th of july celebrations,on the esplanade.i also like art work,though i dont have much of a background in it,formally,just love beautiful things artistically.i have a sister,and brother,who i rarely interact with,and my mother,lives down the street.i try to talk with her once or twice a week,but i have to work at it.my dad passed away a couple of years ago and i miss the hell out of him.i love the people in my family,and looking above and typing all this,i wonder why i feel so far from them.honesty can be brutal and i know i am part of the problem,hahahaha.i also dont forgive others that hurt me very easily.people say i am too trustng,wear my heart on a sleeve and all that which is true.it is also true that while i have allowed myself to get hurt as a result,after a period of time i just withdraw from the person thats inflicting the pain.the people that have the most power over me are my family so i guess thats part of the reason for my solitary life.as they say life is a bitch,or can be,i say this with a smile on my face for bottom line,even if i feel more of an effort could have beeen made on their part,i also realize i am too blame also.i think thats part of the reason i am trying to interact with my mother a little more now.well i have to go take care of some stuff,so until next time ,enjoy life,smile as often as you can and treasure the love you have.later,love to all,me.

indifference

Told you i thought love is important.How does it feel to love as an island,alone.The interaction of others is so important,that i believe,love without the interaction of others,can destroy us.So often we take the interaction of others in our life for granted,or vice versa.Without the acknowledgement of others do we exist?Without the ability to express or share our love does it become like the wine,which turns into vinegar.To me sharing the love,giving a shout out as they say,helps me to exist.We are individuals,attuned to whats important to ourselves.i am not shunned,i may even be loved,BUT the worst thing in life i believe is INDIFFERENCE.That ability we have through negligence,to not let others,that we love,to know through assumption of,THEY KNOW I LOVE THEM.really?Now how is that possible without interaction? Don't we all hunger,at some time,for a hug,to hear those words,or the knowledge its ok to show someone else you love them.Being alone is not necessarily a bad thing,the feeling of being alone while in a crowded room is far worse.to glimpse that crowded room with others,who in our minds,are interacting with each other so easily,while we stand alone with that smile on our face,to cover the awkwardness or loneliness,we feel.That sense of being alone or separate,here that indifference,that assumption from others,he knows i love him,here it tears at the core.The fear of showing your insecurity,the laughter that follows when all think you are kidding,that black,profound,whirlpool,that sucks at your individuality,in your desire to become a part of the crowd.i think i would rather be alone then to suffer the indifference in that crowded room,i feel more love in being alone,for alone i can tell you i love you and that other lie,the one where i tell myself YOU LOVE ME,here your indifference dosent show,and here i can feel its glow,for here your indifference to my heart dosent exist.

so coooooooooooooooooooooool !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Always loved reading and thought of being a writer,however,i always knew i would not be good at getting published.Finally a place where i can say what i want,good or bad,but very rarely with intent to hurt,and im JUST LOVING THIS.People say i have a tendacy to get emotional about things,and that my friend is true,life without emotion,is death for a human.Without our emotions we would be no more then an it,and i personally don't believe humanity would have come so far.My excitement in having this blog to share my thoughts would probably not be shared by you,in this venue,however we all get excited by something in our life.So much to say that i don't know where to start.im sure some of us feel that way when starting a new project.Top,bottom,this piece,that piece,usually theres more then one way to start anything,for now i will just let this be it.Adding as it comes to me.I do want to say one thing about myself,i believe very strongly in love,that it is the essence of all.So anyways i will be back and may the force,called living,be with you.