it seems to take forever for me to figure out where to start a new post,hehehehe.always having to jump from here to there,lost in my own blog,gotta be hilarious,hahaha
well,its been an interesting couple of weeks,,first express lane told me that they were going to start servicing the stores only once every 4 weeks,i also finished up videos for kroger,and i ran out of money,hehehehe.that was scary though,did not think i would come up with the mortgage,but did make it thanks to some extra work i got,praise my higher power,or fate .at any rate came up with it today,and will pay tomorrow,yeahhhhh.i now make a grand total of 450.00 a week and 200.00 of that will go to mortgage,so things are gonna be tight,but am going to work on making things better for real.last week i was asked to submit a proposal for dental office and they said all looked good,and another convienence store also asked for a bid so we shall see.i do know i can not sit around and do nothing so i will have to start applying myself a little birt more efficiently.
i really could not believe express lane took this route but i guess it was a wake up call for me.i wrote a letter explaining how i felt about the situation and am suppossed to meet with jim lewis,but have a strange feeling that all is not as it appears,a while back i overheard mark,operations manager,stating that i would eventually be working for express lane,i love the company but am not a company man and wonder if this is a shift to get me there.well,i am not sure but i am sure i love doing floors,sick arent iat any rate i guess more will unfold at meeting with jim.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME ,HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME,ahhhh,just practising,b-day is on 28th,this thureday.i love my birthday,its special to me,if no one else,as i have had a rewarding life,not easy,but definately not boring.looking back,i probably did spend my life in the way i wanted,at the time anyway,and though money is a priority now,i am glad it was not before.sure i wish icould retire and all that but i am also glad i used my more energized years in the manner i did.i had nothing and built a good bussineess,helping some people on the way,and dont recollect hurting anyone while doing so.employees or companies i did work for,a rather enrichening experience i say,hehehe..my family,ahhh,what a story,i accomplished most of my goals,and love showed me itys many sides.i have reestablished a some what tenacious rapport with my bloodline and you know all is good.sadness,what is life with out some to teach us the joy of lifes beauty when it is absent.god i miss you,i think of you every day,teasing myself,you would think i could get you out of my heart by the absence of your being,it dosent work.i wonder if i cross your mind at all,realistically i tell myself no,and then the dream of maybe,just possibly comes along and hopes flame erupts,icry inside and try to reach for the real world where i know its just a dream.an incurable romantic,thats me,the dreamer of dreams,the dream catcher,covered in dust.what do i want for my birthday?truth,as long as it contains just one kiss,one moment,one time where dreams become reality,where i could say i once.
lordy,lordy,sometimes i think i should have been a writer of romance novels,or may the force be with me,should i bite on your neck and drink the essence of you into myself,bonding us together in ways unfore seen.from one extreme to another,i just cant leave it alone,where does it end,here the future alone knows,
ok,here is a band playing at la velas on thursday and i cant remember the name but i like them,duuuuh.so i will probably go to spinnakers first and then listen to the group at lavelas,dancing as much as possible,my birthday present to myself. i miss, never had you, my only true regret in life,the flower of my life, the cross of never knowing and unanswered question.i guess i will never know or maybe more honestly,in fear dont want to know the answer to my question,
i am getting better at this,notice the paragraphs,well its some kinda improvement anyway,and on and on i go,too much on my mind and emotion errupting in my heart so i guesss i will go now,but thanks,for though you are not here you are always with me,love,m.
.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
truth
the whirlwinds of tumultuous thought placed in physical form,through writing,impossible!!!!!!at least my minds thoughts,running here and there,i can only put down the skeleton,bare bomes,of shadowy remnants of what i remember out of the many thoughts that flee across my mind.not even necessarily the most important,but those which i recollect,due to their impact and my inability to remember the rest,beyond their birth.maybe they will re occur to me later or not,but they were there,an action i have but a glimpse,and one in that i am sure the thought was of terrible importance,if just for a micro second,but the flash is gone,.its bright light reflecting off other thoughts,the impact though unknown by me ,its action affecting and directing my thoughts with an unseen,unnoticed ,yet strong exertion of force on my conscious thoughts!!!!!!life,mine,at any rate influenced by so many forces,that i may not even consciously be aware of,their mysterious extertions,unkown by me,the cause and affect of what makes me ,who and what i am.the occasional moments of enlightemnent,when i actually am made aware of their existence,or that moment of being dumfounded by a truth,i am actually already aware of,lo,here is the, beauty of mind,thought and emotion revealed.in that moment,i am aware of my potential,the gift of being a human and the joy of being alive.to tap even for a brief splinter of time the potential of what could be,is a glorious shout out to the universe,a thank you for who i am.not as much as before the term,a simple man,is used,primarily because we have become aware that man is not simple.on occasion i admit i wish i was simpler than i am,hell the complexity of my life,due to the person i have become,with all these thoughts at times can be over whelming.i create situations where a straight line is probably the best answer,and end up confusing myself by creating a cloud of nimble but unfortunately insignificant thoughts in an attempt to over dramatize,over think a situation,where truth,already known,seeks to hide.dont i ramble on well,hehehehe.still avoiding,isnt lfe a bitch sometimes,especially if we are honest enough to admit,its our fault,the truth we dont wish to face or the fear of being honest with ourself.damn,i can surely dance cant i,hahahaha.ok,guess i am not going to say anymore or enlighten this but yes,i had one of those moments today,this morning actually.it is like ,you are just having conversation ,when lo and behold out of no where you speak a truth and its simple honesty sends you quietly reeling,with the simplicity of that truth.a tornado sweeping all your defenses away,before they were even erected,because in the pure simplicity of truth,there was no time to erect them.i think i talk too much,hahahaha.thats all for now,i admit ,i am acting like a coward,but it is enough for me,i just wanted to remind myself of this moment this morning and if it is important enough this tid bit of info will do it for me,i am sure you are thinking,and maybe you are right,you may even know what i am talking about,truth,it is a pain,and yet it is sweet.
Friday, June 15, 2012
friends with benefits
what a movie.the feelings it dragged up from within,thoughts,fears,it peels out fresh from my heart and mind.first i must admit i always thought until i saw it that it was a kids movie,which could not be farther from the truth.i laughed and i cried,memories pulling at me ,honesty of thought,realization my fears have commanded me too much.wouldnt you know it that song,not over you,was playing while i was typing this,remember justins dad talking about dee dee,life.what can u say,i think well i can not really talk for others but the whirlpool of emotions always circling around that emotion,love.
after my first marriage,i dont believe,i had that much casual sex.my own fears,inadequacies,and self doubt,always prevailed.oh,i had sex with girls i called friends,but i always knew them for awhile or we casually dated,honestly there were not too many,simply because of my fear.i remember this one girl from a.a. asking me to come home with her,attractive and actually kinda nice,i told her no i was going to ride my bike with some friends,so she,jokingly,told me she would not rape me,with a laugh,and i just went on my way telling her,some other time,actually i was scared,i wanted her,i was just plain scared she would not find my performance up to par.so my whole life has gone,always the same ole,same ole.after i quit drinking drinking,oh god,no more excusing poor performance with alcohol,or being able to put it off saying i had too much to drink.i always told women i am shy,but truth,did not want to be laughed at.you know,they might not have laughed,i may even have been ok,i doubt great,to be honest,it was that i have always been my own worst enemy.
the laughter,casual talk during sex,that freedom that i saw those two actors portray while being friends with benefits,god how i have hungered for that.that sharing of one another,with the acceptance of who you are,no fears,its ok to say what you feel,think,i like this,dont do that,with a smile.casual conversation while resting inside,feeling that comfortable warmth,being together,not having to be some super stud,i would say john holmes,but thats never gonna happen.hehehehehe,i am laughing,but inside i know i cry somewhere,i think of u.i have tried,to be open,share,not be inhibited,always to be met with some form of rejection,if not at the moment,it gets tossed back in your face later,people always screaming,trust me,you can tell me anything,its ok.believing,wanting to know its ok to be me,that feeling of hurt when its used against you,i even supplied the ammunition,what a fool.i am probably wrong but you i trust,i have always felt,that with you i could have said anything,you my dee dee.
isnt it funny how what started as a lark,a joyous romp of sexual freedom and friendship,became a love story.me,myself,and i,well i could not have carried that off,i could not have acted like it was less then it meant to me.being an open book,a transparent glass full of emotion,to have had sex,to deny what i feel,that is beyond my capabilities.in the movie others told them what the reality was,both in denial,open to all others to see,that is real,the truth covered,is only covered to the eyes of those doing the hiding,thinking its hidden,to all others,a flimsy wrapping of delicate lace,burning,from within,with a fierce fire.bright, escalating,bold and revealed by semiconscious action.its like two magnets,the only way to cover their attraction is to separate them far away or reverse the polarity,and how can i hate.
lost,i dont know,dream,always,i am the dreamer,the romantic,if i have lost,i have none to blame but myself,my fears and a knowledge that some things can not be concealed,once the box is opened.the gift offered,once accepted,the rest i will leave for you to finish.enuf said and good night.
after my first marriage,i dont believe,i had that much casual sex.my own fears,inadequacies,and self doubt,always prevailed.oh,i had sex with girls i called friends,but i always knew them for awhile or we casually dated,honestly there were not too many,simply because of my fear.i remember this one girl from a.a. asking me to come home with her,attractive and actually kinda nice,i told her no i was going to ride my bike with some friends,so she,jokingly,told me she would not rape me,with a laugh,and i just went on my way telling her,some other time,actually i was scared,i wanted her,i was just plain scared she would not find my performance up to par.so my whole life has gone,always the same ole,same ole.after i quit drinking drinking,oh god,no more excusing poor performance with alcohol,or being able to put it off saying i had too much to drink.i always told women i am shy,but truth,did not want to be laughed at.you know,they might not have laughed,i may even have been ok,i doubt great,to be honest,it was that i have always been my own worst enemy.
the laughter,casual talk during sex,that freedom that i saw those two actors portray while being friends with benefits,god how i have hungered for that.that sharing of one another,with the acceptance of who you are,no fears,its ok to say what you feel,think,i like this,dont do that,with a smile.casual conversation while resting inside,feeling that comfortable warmth,being together,not having to be some super stud,i would say john holmes,but thats never gonna happen.hehehehehe,i am laughing,but inside i know i cry somewhere,i think of u.i have tried,to be open,share,not be inhibited,always to be met with some form of rejection,if not at the moment,it gets tossed back in your face later,people always screaming,trust me,you can tell me anything,its ok.believing,wanting to know its ok to be me,that feeling of hurt when its used against you,i even supplied the ammunition,what a fool.i am probably wrong but you i trust,i have always felt,that with you i could have said anything,you my dee dee.
isnt it funny how what started as a lark,a joyous romp of sexual freedom and friendship,became a love story.me,myself,and i,well i could not have carried that off,i could not have acted like it was less then it meant to me.being an open book,a transparent glass full of emotion,to have had sex,to deny what i feel,that is beyond my capabilities.in the movie others told them what the reality was,both in denial,open to all others to see,that is real,the truth covered,is only covered to the eyes of those doing the hiding,thinking its hidden,to all others,a flimsy wrapping of delicate lace,burning,from within,with a fierce fire.bright, escalating,bold and revealed by semiconscious action.its like two magnets,the only way to cover their attraction is to separate them far away or reverse the polarity,and how can i hate.
lost,i dont know,dream,always,i am the dreamer,the romantic,if i have lost,i have none to blame but myself,my fears and a knowledge that some things can not be concealed,once the box is opened.the gift offered,once accepted,the rest i will leave for you to finish.enuf said and good night.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
im always trying to play catch up,hehehe
it is funny,the guilt i feel when i have not posted in awhile,i know few read,even fewer follow,however i think its kinda like a diary that i keep forgetting to fill in.leaving gaps in mylife even if they are retained in my mind. emotional symphonies,that is the part i cannot truly describe,lost in the humdrum grey landscape of my daily existence.soooooooooo,lets proceed..
facebook,ahhhh,what an enigma,truly a story unto itself.cnbc,and almost all financial outlets trying to figure that one out,me i am simply glad i did not invest,but i am looking forward to doing so in the future.well,after i get back on my feet anyway,still trying to play catch up but the light is definately getting brighter.adjnd yes,i was just wishing i had that dragon speaking program,i can never keep my thoughts in line while typing,i am so slow,heheheehe.now with dragon i could make your head spin,well with it and my quirky way of thinking,hahaha.i am having fun watching te progress of my stocks in the nasdaq,and of couse listening to mad money on cnbc.practically all i watch now,cnbc,so thats a positive,i recollect when i stopped watching any financial news due to the kroger thing,loss of belief in financial world and the flat out bad news all were projecting.i personally feel that the economy is not doing that well,actually faltering to a certain extant and thies is based on conversations i have with customers in stores i work in ,or strangers i happened to engage in conversation.i do believe it will improve but in order for real growth,the goverment is going to have to start dealing with real unemployment numbers,retrain people,and after training give business an incentive to hire these people.then the companies,should make available,in house training,or schooling so yhose that do which to achieve higher goals may do so.i also realize that this requires an investment by corpporate,but feel they could benefit by requiring the people to work for a minimumn amount of time for the company.this could also bring back the idea of company loyalty,and the desire to enhance our own work places profits.kinda like the japanese,or as in old the way craftsman guilds worked.now this s just off the top of my head,so please,if you read this and dont agree,dont get all silly,we do live in the good ole usa,freedom of speech and ideas you know,or so they say.oh and see what i mean from f /b to our economy,looo.
yes,i have missed you.that after leaving to do the laundry and pick up scotty,i miss you every day thinking of you in some way,your smile,how i feel when i see you,so many things bring up thoughts of you and sometimess its just the knowledge that you are out there,not anywhere near,or probably not even on your mind,but you are enfolded to my being like an inner part of me.sometimes boldly,and at other times,like the soft scent of perfume after the wearer is gone,a tickle of joy and love in my mind.
back to the real world hehehehe,ok the lawn looks terrible!!!!!!mower is in the shop and will be getting it out this week,yeahhhh.i also ran into an old friend ,noah who told me he would help me put in an irrigation pump and redo the irrigation system,soooo its getting better!!!!!!!!!!!now just have to do that this week also and maybe,just maybe i can come up with some extra work to do the pond.life,its little challenges,they are fun,at least to this optomist,now if i can get the wife to chill at bingo,we would be straight.until the next thing arose.there is always some situation that arises,but imagine how boring life wo0uld be with out them,duhhhhh,no fun for me,for sure,hehheheh.
NEXT!!!!!!!!!!! jsut having fun,combat arms,my game full of people,that i did not realize really misssed me,this crazy guy has been overwhelmed by the outpouring of emotion from his fellow gamers.sometimes,in our lives we underestimate the effect we have on our space of world.per sae,c/a and the gaming communty ,i have always enjoyed playing the game ,the people i have met in game and have been humbled by the reaction from those that have missed my companionship in the game.being un affiliated with any clan and just enjoying the company of others,i was rermiss in not informing others of my decision to take a sabbatical..i can only hope that i will be more thoughtful of others,in the internet world,then i was previously.it is amazing how the internet has brought us closer,while sometimes we,rather i,think we have no
base there,yet it is not a computer we socialize with but the person on the other end of the computer,we are involved with.just goes to show how old i am,hahahahha,but i will be a more thoughtful person in the future.yes,i do love it,people have beeen so nice,inquiring as to my well being,its really,hell it is real life,and some even gave me gifts,now talking about bringing the kid out in me,yipeeeeeee.love,comfort and just anchknoldgement they care about me,not that i am not that great a player just me and that,that is anaward i may never hang up,but one i will always carry within.
it really dosent get much better than this,oh well,one last thing,i realize it will take forever to save the money for another lie detecter test for k5roger so i made a video and maybe that will help get my mind off it,sending it to mr.dillon this week and we will see whats up.ok,now i am done,love to you all and may the blessings of life smile upon you,marino
facebook,ahhhh,what an enigma,truly a story unto itself.cnbc,and almost all financial outlets trying to figure that one out,me i am simply glad i did not invest,but i am looking forward to doing so in the future.well,after i get back on my feet anyway,still trying to play catch up but the light is definately getting brighter.adjnd yes,i was just wishing i had that dragon speaking program,i can never keep my thoughts in line while typing,i am so slow,heheheehe.now with dragon i could make your head spin,well with it and my quirky way of thinking,hahaha.i am having fun watching te progress of my stocks in the nasdaq,and of couse listening to mad money on cnbc.practically all i watch now,cnbc,so thats a positive,i recollect when i stopped watching any financial news due to the kroger thing,loss of belief in financial world and the flat out bad news all were projecting.i personally feel that the economy is not doing that well,actually faltering to a certain extant and thies is based on conversations i have with customers in stores i work in ,or strangers i happened to engage in conversation.i do believe it will improve but in order for real growth,the goverment is going to have to start dealing with real unemployment numbers,retrain people,and after training give business an incentive to hire these people.then the companies,should make available,in house training,or schooling so yhose that do which to achieve higher goals may do so.i also realize that this requires an investment by corpporate,but feel they could benefit by requiring the people to work for a minimumn amount of time for the company.this could also bring back the idea of company loyalty,and the desire to enhance our own work places profits.kinda like the japanese,or as in old the way craftsman guilds worked.now this s just off the top of my head,so please,if you read this and dont agree,dont get all silly,we do live in the good ole usa,freedom of speech and ideas you know,or so they say.oh and see what i mean from f /b to our economy,looo.
yes,i have missed you.that after leaving to do the laundry and pick up scotty,i miss you every day thinking of you in some way,your smile,how i feel when i see you,so many things bring up thoughts of you and sometimess its just the knowledge that you are out there,not anywhere near,or probably not even on your mind,but you are enfolded to my being like an inner part of me.sometimes boldly,and at other times,like the soft scent of perfume after the wearer is gone,a tickle of joy and love in my mind.
back to the real world hehehehe,ok the lawn looks terrible!!!!!!mower is in the shop and will be getting it out this week,yeahhhh.i also ran into an old friend ,noah who told me he would help me put in an irrigation pump and redo the irrigation system,soooo its getting better!!!!!!!!!!!now just have to do that this week also and maybe,just maybe i can come up with some extra work to do the pond.life,its little challenges,they are fun,at least to this optomist,now if i can get the wife to chill at bingo,we would be straight.until the next thing arose.there is always some situation that arises,but imagine how boring life wo0uld be with out them,duhhhhh,no fun for me,for sure,hehheheh.
NEXT!!!!!!!!!!! jsut having fun,combat arms,my game full of people,that i did not realize really misssed me,this crazy guy has been overwhelmed by the outpouring of emotion from his fellow gamers.sometimes,in our lives we underestimate the effect we have on our space of world.per sae,c/a and the gaming communty ,i have always enjoyed playing the game ,the people i have met in game and have been humbled by the reaction from those that have missed my companionship in the game.being un affiliated with any clan and just enjoying the company of others,i was rermiss in not informing others of my decision to take a sabbatical..i can only hope that i will be more thoughtful of others,in the internet world,then i was previously.it is amazing how the internet has brought us closer,while sometimes we,rather i,think we have no
base there,yet it is not a computer we socialize with but the person on the other end of the computer,we are involved with.just goes to show how old i am,hahahahha,but i will be a more thoughtful person in the future.yes,i do love it,people have beeen so nice,inquiring as to my well being,its really,hell it is real life,and some even gave me gifts,now talking about bringing the kid out in me,yipeeeeeee.love,comfort and just anchknoldgement they care about me,not that i am not that great a player just me and that,that is anaward i may never hang up,but one i will always carry within.
it really dosent get much better than this,oh well,one last thing,i realize it will take forever to save the money for another lie detecter test for k5roger so i made a video and maybe that will help get my mind off it,sending it to mr.dillon this week and we will see whats up.ok,now i am done,love to you all and may the blessings of life smile upon you,marino
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