passion

         life,without passion is nothing more then existence,similar to  the hood made in a production line of an auto factory,just there,one of countless others,all the same.good or bad,it is what composes our most cherished or fervent memories,depicts who and what we are.our souls,the core of us,is lit by the corollas of our passions,colored by the tempest of our feelings,vivid from the darkest black of hate to the soft, luminescent white of love,with all the colors in between.the passion of living,being alive,experiencing life in all its glory,its pitfalls,deep morasses of seemingly endless depths of despair,the thrills of soaring above all when love strikes with unabated fury,tearing at your existence with a rainbow of feelings.ah,yes,to others,whose passions are stirred by the more materialistic things,i do not lessen the depth of your passion,or even disagree with the reason,it is still passion.
         to soar with the eagles,unashamedly i concede,that which rocks my world is love.that thing that makes my journey in life a trip worth making,the fears,uncertainty,the glow,the myriad experiences that i am incapable of describing for it runs in a river of emotions,colored by the suns rays ,a prism of emotions,with whirlpools along the journey tempting to moods of despair,or hopelessness,then slinging you into the mist of vapor ,a kaleidoscopic of beautiful colors,sparkling with truth and hope.the moment where you stand naked before someone,fully dressed,unashamedly,quivering with fear,stating,i love you,the first time,here we stand ,unprotected,offering our self,defenseless and at anothers mercy,this is the height of my passion,the Everest and sky scraper from which i leap with no parachute.
          even now,i find myself questioning my thoughts,as i write,am i wrong to feel this way,is it not better to develop more passion in the things the world depicts as an indication of success.money,the trappings of fame ,fortune,a lifestyle of the jet set.in order to achieve the capability of being honest with myself,i must bow my head in humility and say that all those things mean little to me,in my pursuit of self happiness.watch me,raising my head,look into the my eyes,let the fervor and passion exploding from them,tell the truth of  who i am,lover of love,being loved,my passion expresses it self with no ability to hide it.i have tried,throughout my life,to deceive myself into believing it,love,is not as important,to replace it with things of a more material bent,but and here i state,with a touch of sadness,for myself it just does not work.my sadness comes of knowing this i can not buy,or accept in falsehood,for love,batters at you with its honesty,allowing no lie in its purity,and harboring with in,springs forth when least expected,its truth undeniable and scathing in its fierceness.
          passion for the other facets in my life,work,those things i do in relaxation,joy of the arts,living in itself,i acknowledge.i do not deny the importance,their place in my life,the beauty,or despairity that these have brought into my life.who among us does not recall the joy of a job well done,the passion that erupts from within thru the introduction of man kinds artistic work,art,music,perhaps a book or poetry.that feeling of inadequacy,the high from overcoming and surmounting it,through our own force.life without these,pales,less full,and maybe hollow.passionate in these facets of our lives,like the lights and decorations on a christmas tree,without the tree,still pretty,but not shown in their best light.living,its own passions,seem empty without love.friends,acquaintances,even strangers,we share the daily bounty of our lives,passion that we experienced in the conquest of  the day.a filter of people,we strain our life through,while without admission,we search for the pearl.
         success,at life,knowing we have not failed,even to be at the pinnacle of it all,the one failure that can destroy us,the question most asked,what if?in life's journey so often we ask ourselves this and ponder on the consequences,dealing with the fact that maybe i should have and move on.what if,kills,in love.the answers we conceive,stay with us,questioning all of the rest of our existence,never failing in its honesty,or obstinacy,to hit us when least expected.the one question,showing our own failure,lack of strength,and belief in self ,the question that chips away our own self portrait,with honest candor,unabashedly not even with our permission.passion,humility,honesty and pain even here we dwell in maybe the big lie,what if,question,do we dare?the fear,is it not safer,not to face the rejection,the question,what if,how often can you deal with its honesty.the question,your life,the unasked,its passion forever coloring your life.

saturday

    saturday,such a sweet day,love the w/e,time to think,relax and plain out just enjoy being alive.not a lot going on,paid some bills,spent 40 or 50 bucks at Walmart.grocery shopping and got some flowers for the house.one thing about Walmart is its like a great big social,ran into a couple of people i haven't seen in awhile,was good chatting about whats been going on and actually just feeling a part of the human race.if you have been reading my blog,you will have noticed i get a little lonesome occasionally,but its been a good day today.today has been pretty good though,stayed up too late reading and watching t.v.,but felt pretty good after i actually started my day.scotman and i have been going through some sweets though,already ate all the sugar cookies and brownies,so i am baking a cake,hope it lasts through the week,hehehe.

     Toucans,a club in mexico beach called me today about doing their floors,and hooked up with a convience store earlier this week so all in all a good week as far as getting more work.i am gonna try to get the contract for some hair salons,the floors have been looking good until the last month or so,and with spring break around the corner i am hoping they want the floors to look their best.it wont hurt to try anyway,who knows maybe its my turn.

      i had hoped to go to spinnakers last night,it was their grand opening for the season,but with finances being the way they are,i had to blow it off,there is always some other time,got my whole life ahead,the power of positive thinking,hehehe.i probably will go to la velas tonight,i am not sure.being realistic about it,was thinking earlier about the reason i want to go,i know i enjoy the atmosphere,everybody having a good time and i admit i enjoy it when i do work up the courage to do my little dancing thing.honest truth of it is i just enjoy it all i guess,and even though i do want the companionship of people,the fear of women i have,yes its true they make me nervous they do,keeps me a little stand offish from them all.but i still enjoy it even if i don't stay long,not as young as i used to be,besides i don't want to wake up to late tomorrow,love having a couple of hours before hitting the road to work.

       My wife, received her valentine card the day before valentines,but it was all good as she was broke and i had sent her 25 bucks,not much,but made her day,so that was a good thing.too many questions about us,and not sure of anything,i suppose time will tell and until then,it will be what it is.scotty told me today he was going up for the family reunion,riding with his sister,kinda feel displaced but have to work as much as i would like to go and thats the name of that tune.further and further away,i feel,as far as being a part of this family.i would go visit more,but really cant afford the gas,sounds crazy,huh,but i get tired of having to go to the store next door to bum gas and smokes.there is a light shining though,i should be all caught up in a couple of weeks,had a major setback to the tune of 600 dollars,due to ice cream,which made me want to scream,but i figured this was just a test,to see if i would give up and that's not happening.good thing about the extra work is it will help me catch back up,plus the wife's bday is coming up,and i know i would be upset with myself if i could not bring a little surprise for her.

         i had left some books for linda,over at christines house,but she told christine she had already read them.she dose not have much money and thought she might enjoy them,as they are fairly expensive,to me anyways.the quandary here is i don't know if she really has read them or just wants to increase the space between us,then of course there is also the fact that i think too much.ever have the feeling that you screw up those things that mean a lot to you and not only do you not know how,but even worse its unfix able.seems that i have a history of doing that,with those things that mean the most to me,then discover the reason i screwed something up too late or that iit was the price of being myself.i dont know all the answers,i do know i very seldom intentionally hurt others,especially emotionally,and do try to big good to people,not acxcording to my conception,but in a manner they would recognize,at least to me and maybe thats where i screw up.i love so much and its ok,maybe someday it will be my turn to feel loved,or maybe i just need to recognize i am loved.i love making others smile,bringing sunshine where there is shadow,and showering others with love,as it helps me in dealing with the solitary path i feel i lead.

          oh,yeah,cake is cool enough to frost,so i am going to go for it,eat your heart out,hehehe.buttery white cake with chocolate frosting,um um good,i wish you a pleasant night,and may the breath of my love touch you in way that's good for you,later,me.  

56

 this is my third attempt on this post,keep typing and it jumps into the middle of a sentence,ugh,frustrating.the work week went well,had a good time and enjoyed the social aspect of it.i have to figure out a way to intermingle with new people and faces,besides the internet.i am driving myself nuts,one moment i am trying to be proud and self sustaining in my isolated world,the next moment hungry for interaction of others.love,the one thing i cherish the most,also the one thing i believe you can not force from anyone,the gift that must be given of its own free will.my marriage,i dont know,is it one with no base,feeling estranged from my wife,and wondering if i am just a fool.one of the dangers of love is that when you love as i do,unconditionally,you are setting yourself up for pain,as you sometimes don't see the reality of a situation,and as we all know love is blind,hehehe.this morning i got on my f/b and received a pleasant blast from the past,my combat arms game friend,lily came on and we chatted for about an hour.it was so nice just to talk with her about the different things going on in my life ,with someone who showed an interest.since we only know each other from the game we can just be straight up,and tell how we feel about things.the internet,that place where we can be anyone we choose,and including our self,because the odds of meeting are slim,so we can just put ourself out there and if you don't like it,well,too bad,i don't see you every day,so there.actually,the people i meet there are important to me,and i wish i could meet them,but that's life.
       56,it dosent scare me and i don't feel as if i act that age,but limitations,they come with it,unfortunately.not mine,the ones imposed by everyone else,the ones society and even the individual people impose,either through  a mindset conceived by society or our own prejudices.yes,honestly i belong to the latter set,just now beginning to break free,yet i know i hold on to some myself.so many different ways of looking at things, prejudices to be broken down,no understanding of where my life will lead me,or in what direction i am going.fear,that i admit,the worst thing i can imagine,being an emotional person,is to have a life with out love,god that scares me,it would make me feel as if my life,my life in the future,would be void,empty.i wonder if i don't recognize,what i have now,if i am deceiving myself in search of,what i don't know.confidence,i don't know,i believe i believe in myself,but question myself to the point i drive myself crazy,a vicious circle,but i am no superman and this last year has taken something,maybe everything from me.balance,once a thing of graceful ease,i now feel shaky,perched over an abyss,shaky,but surprisingly without too much fear,mainly just doubt of what step to take.one of the benefits of youth,is the knowledge you still have time if you screw up,i believe i still have at least a quarter of a century left in me,i just want to make them the best part of my life.i have no problems with my past its been rocky but good,i just want my future to be as full,not monetarily,though i would not mind hitting the lottery,but emotionally,for if you are secure in love,everything else is manageable,without it meaningless.yes,i know to many others this seems so foolish,but life is about choices,and this is mine.how often do we  hear of people and couples overcoming all obstacles,because of love,and how often do we hear of those successful people,the ones that have it all,ending their lives,out of the lack of love.
       success,i guess that defines many of us,but success at what ,this is often the quest that comes with meaning later.money,i think is the least of it,sure i want to pay my bills and stuff,but what good are the things money  can give without someone to share it with.loneliness,i guess its all relevant to your emotional being,i am a a person who loves people,the joy of being in love and of course,being loved.i have known the joys,the times in between and the reality of unsureity.the knowledge i am worthy of love,the belief in myself as a fairly good man,and my appreciation of being loved,say yes.the humble side,states it may not be,but i am grateful for what my life has given me.like Icarus,i yearn for the brightness of loves sun,and if i burn,may it be by the knowledge i was not bound by the pain of my past,but by the beauty it has shown me,love always,me

ghost

its the first time i have written in the title before i started typing,it is a thought that came from watching the show,more human,about a werewolf,ghost and a vampire.before i start i will state that it has been a good week,in all aspects,work went well,had one of the grandkids for a couple of hours and even experienced a right nice conversation with my wife one day.
    ghost,untouched,unheard,unseen,it is,while being non existent,it exists unknown.did you like the way i started a new paragraph,i am getting better,hehehe.ok,to go on,this is my biggest fear,a failure of being,a sense of being lost to others,i am probably not explaining this well,but hopefully will be able to explain myself better as i progress.loneliness, definitely a factor,feeling adrift in the world i exist,my ego valid only to myself,seeming to be of no value,with the exception of my work,to another human.i hunger for companionship,fear the possibility of rejection,with initialization of first contact.my facade,whole with no cracks,while within it i yearn to come out.my own belief in my sexual inadequacy,another shield,telling me i am so bad that it would not be right to inflict myself on another.i am  sure there is some truth,but how much, isn't that the question.a shield,keeping me safe from having to interact?its funny,i used to be so proud of myself sexually,free thinking and not constrained by my physique.one of the last great romantic lovers,hahaha,and at times i will admit appealing to the other sex.now.today i even use my age to cover the fact that i feel woman aren't as attracted to me.its not as if i actually vie for a woman's interest,i never forget i am married.untouched,unkissed,no hugs,a ghost,i unhappily will concede that sex in itself,does not have the same intensity as in my younger days,still the intertwining of two people,the sharing,ahhhhhhhhhthat is forever sweet,if just in my mind.hungering for a touch,something,just an acknowledgement that i am physical,a hug,something that shows i am existent.i talk and no one hears,my opinion previously one of value,unrequested by any,with the exception of work.where others used to listen with interest and ask for my advice,now,it is as,my opinions or thoughts are of no consequence.without going into too much detail,a lot of this has occurred since the breach with tom thumb.i assure you,i have not lost my intelligence over lost of my contract,with them.
     yup,did it again new paragraph,hehehe,takes so little to make me happy,besides i will admit i am showing off,its a little thing but ,you know, don't take a lot,hehehe.head of household,head of family,who me?well i used to be,now it is as if i am not even there.old school some may say,unsure myself,i think it has a lot to do with having lived life's many experiences and having survived that gives the elder ones of a family respect,all the culminating survival instincts that cant be taught without the living of it,maybe thats the the real answer.is it possible that the younger ones have learned all,or maybe my knowledge,similar to me is now antiquated.work,the intermingling with clerks,and the office,here i find my words still carry weight,my opinions are respected and even asked for.occasionally,even considered worth implementing in various ways.sad i find,for myself,to depend so heavily on work to supplement my worthiness as a contributor to life.i am proud of who i am,i believe that i have much to offer,and the fact that i am an emotional person,does not lessen the things i have learned.my fight to retain my individuality,one who does not follow the road most traveled,has taught me more.difficult,it is,proud i am,and scared to death,that it has reduced me to a ghost,to others.for me,my family is of prime importance,i do not act like they can bother me,my shields,you know,yet i never expected to,feel, unnecessary. that's a good way of putting it,trivial even,pity i wish for none,respect,i feel i have earned.damned if i will change being who i am,even at the cost of being a mote of dust in this terrifying and beautiful world.i face my fears,unknown to others everyday,uncomplaining and alone,i conquer them and live life to the best of my ability in that day,and not being god,i hunger for the companionship of one who cares.alas,i feel that there are some things that can only happen by happenstance,and not my wishing it to be,for being emotional and for being a romantic,and because i am only human,i firmly believe that it will only be when it is time to be and that i don't want to manipulate or cause it to be,that it will happen when it is right for me.i am just scared,afraid,that i am possibly becoming of less substance.i never thought of being well known,rich or infamous,content in knowing i made a difference in the lives of the few lives i did entwine with.i imagine myself now,if i died today,a funeral of remember whens,not he did or impacted,all thinking of before,not yesterday,because i was not there,a ghost before my death.my thoughts,dreams,romance unfulfilled,love not given,bound within,battles,won,lost,knowledge unshared.so i talk here,a ghost who can communicate if only by this blog,my thoughts,for all to read,hopefully i have shared something to make your life better in some way.
        i am getting good at this,hehehe.my life is good,i mean what i say and say what i mean especially here,there are many ways i am more fortunate then others and while i am very serious about what i stated here today,life,equals hope,a possibility that things will get better,through our own work or the twist of fate,that makes life what it is.the impact that the ghost statement made on my psyche,carried within me all week,was a revelation to me in that i had to make a statement about my feelings,having a faith in life and my life in particular,allowed me to share my fear,while i accept it ,it and no one owns me,i believe that life gets better,mine will,so will yours,it is ok to be afraid,and i am.it is not ok to let that fear own you,use,it to overcome it and that,that right there will improve your life,give you the strength to handle this and there will come a time when you will solidify,as i refuse to be ghost,at least in my own mind.you see i will and do make a difference,maybe unknowingly,my love will touch someone ,and i will forever be a romantic,if only in my dreams,loving all,your ghost,have a good one.  

felt good doing for others

an interesting day,of sorts,a little different anyway.no work,slept late,i am blaming it on my e reader,i think it is now attached to my body,hahaha,finished spinward fringe broadcast,by Randolph Lalonde,a really good read and found out it has7 or 8 more books in series,so this could be fun,a series that can keep me going for a week or 2.now i just have to set up a bank card,yukkk,hate thyat stuff,but books are only about 2.00 apiece so that's pretty inexpensive,loving my e reader,and i have started another novel concerning morality,artificial intelligence,god and artificial beings,so lots of room for thought here.yes,one day i willl publish a book of my own,of what genre,autobiography,fantasy,or sci fi.,i havent decided yet,but it will have to wait for me to get dragon speaking,as my typing while improving,is definitely not up to speed with my thoughts.but then what is,hahahah.wife woke me this morning,phone kept going off,unable to ignore,she knows me too well,scotty had a flat tire and after he got tire off could not get high enough to put new wheel on.threw some 4+4 blocks in truck and started out to 79,about a mile from him,he called me to let me know he borrowed a jack from across the street,so followed him home.donna called me back while enroute to house and informed me a neighbor of christines had ,accidently ran over their new dog,so called her and rocky,to no avail,was going to offer to bury dog before grand kids got home,but of course,they did not return call.karma,karma,hope it never catches up to them,but it is what it is.ricky,a friend and someone i work with occasionally,calls me,asking if i had a few bucks for diapers,thank god i just got paid,was broke till yesterday,but when i got there no answer at door,duhhhh,so left money under mat and came home.now i am going to take a nap,lo and behold,lady who owns shed i rent from calls me like 30 mins. later,needs me to move an a/c unit out of shed i used to rent,so up we go and pick up unit,had to have scotty help me as it was too big for one person to move,got that done and came home.i decided i would just wait now see what comes up next,i guess that was it because nothing else occurred.that is kinda funny,as now i was ready for anything,i must admit it made me feel good helping others out and gave me some satisfaction in being needed,irregardless of the reason,life can be funny like that you know,i had a different day planned but this ,though no monetary enrichment,was more valuable to me,indicating a sense of worth to others,doing what i could and helping out.well,scotty has left for Orlando,gonna do his match and try for a space in training in japan,i wish him well,but am concerned on his plans if it dosent work out for him,love the kid to death,just want to see him happy and some kind of plan if it dosent work out.i really cant talk though as my own life,interesting as it has been,shows very little structure,always like a roller coaster,goood times,bad times, definitely few boring times,hahaha.i do wish i had been more financially responsible,ah money,hehehe,but if i have to work more its ok,just will be smarter in the future.i cant wait,it will be a little while yet,learning to budget now,yukk,to start playing the stock market again,for some strange reason,though i did well in past with it,till i started playing with scared money,i have a lot more confidence then when i was doing well with it before,guess it may be it was just a game then,this will be a challenge,which i love.go boy,go boy,oh yeahhhhhhhhhh.scotty being gone,tyhe house will be empty,well except for me,so it should be interesting to keep track of whats up during this period of time.friday,loving it,broke as usual but the w/e always brings a sense of magic with it,no idea of what could occur,and i like that.i really intend to try to do some sales tomorrow,i keep procrastinating,think its more of an insecurity thing about pricing then anything,plus i hate being told its up to corporate,ahhhh,for the good ole days,the reality is if i want to keep doing what i do,i am simply going to have to deal with it,period.its funny i sat down,actually was going to write about dancing this is the only time i have mentioned it,that goes to show,how i am so scatter brained,ah well,there is always next time,hehehehe,told you my typing just cant keep up with my thoughts,but when i get dragon speaking,i bet i wont be able to stop,considering i like to talk so much.well thats a wrap,talk to you later and may there be some love shown to you,for you do deserve to be loved,later,me.

work is done

life,life is good,express lane work done,floors of glass.oh god,i am just a nut,hahaha,i love the way i feel when my floors show off,looking like molten rivers of mirrors,lights from displays and coolers reflecting in the floor,seemingly deep in a flowing river of reflection, Christmas lights in late January,,words from displays turned upside down,clear,precise,the lettering popping from the floor,and people,believing the floor wet,not realizing their reflection below,so girls,i warn you,no dresses at this show!!!!!!hehehehe,see,told you i love my job,that feeling you get from a job well done,the artistry,of creating  showpiece.hold on while i grab some cold coffee,dilute it by twice as much milk and heat for 3 minutes,be right back.its not about the money is playing,kinda funny when i think about it,cause it is so true,swear i just love doing this stuff,the challenge in trying to be the best,the thought someone may be better,have a wider knowledge,all these things combine to make me better.had to borrow 70 dollars yesterday for gas,and 2 packs of cigs,then after doing mexico bch store,it just looked so goooood,i went to tek and asked if they would trust me for a gallon of wax till i get paid today.thats a story in itself,they had always been good to me about credit till tom thumb thing,then i disappeared for awhile trying to keep things going,.no money,all the bills,i just hid from everyone while trying to keep my world from collapsing,i was at fault,i should have at least stayed in touch,my bad,i eventually paid them off,but lost their trust,she helps me occasionally but will have to prove myself to them for quite some time.she gave me the wax,but was quite clear,she expects payment today.so definately need my check today,but it was worth it,cause my floors look oh so good.hoping my wife calls left note on facebook so she knows i am up.when work goes good,the thought processes in my mind seem to go off in all kinda of positive aspects,have every intention to try to get some extra work,gonna bid on a hospital,lordy thats gonna be fun,at least i am gonna talk to them see what happens and if there is any interest.so was thinking about kroger tonight and am considering sending a proposal along with other stuff.in reference to their convience stores.its a thought anyways,la vella is going to have v.i.p. cards on sale for 40 bucks this w/e,hope i have enough,price will go up after this w/e for sure,especially for tourist coming in.whimsical thoughts are drifting in,about what i have no ideas,hehehe.my reader,i am an addict,took it in the tub,oh such luxuriousness,no pages to turn,hit the button,smoke my cig,reading one handed,spoiled,to death and loving it.right before i got in tub,i was thinking,i need more bodies,one to watch t.v.,listen to radio ,read book,lay out on couch,take bath,it was actually funny,in my own mind,i wanted to do it all at once,silly me.i should be figuring out how to spend,well,allocate,the money coming in but being me i guess i will just wait till i pick it up,hahaha.i am grtting tired now,so,think i am gonna call it a night or day,hopefully i will get up early,and check out some more work untill later,yawn,yawn,good night,love to all,me.no there is not enough love in the world,and people dont tell one another enough,love you,its funny isnt it,the most wanted word in the english language,the one least used,so  silly isnt it,so with no shame,i tell you,you are loved.