Woke up at 4:30 am,better then sleepng the day away,had to go to work at 8 am,so put last coat of primer on my rooms ceiling,scotty took some before picts so i could have them for later.He is a pretty good guy,does what he can and shows he cares by listening to me which can be a job,hehehe.i feel a little bad about my last post,when i stated i have no family,so will address that here,while my thoughts are fresh.Oh,job got put off till next week,there went my w/e,but actually its o.k.,will need the money next week too,hahaha.
First,i miss my father so much,missing him,has also opened my eyes to other relationships,but there is no substitution for him.I believe i built my life, psychologically,around a very simple idea,how would my father have handled it?My father was definitely a mortal man with all his faults and mistakes that he made in life,He was also very humane,loving and did the best he could.Maybe not the best others would think,but damn sure good enough for me.Rough times we definitely had,misunderstandings,bad times between us too,love was the glue,and an acceptance for one another,as the person we were,at that time,carried us through.Most of my life,decisions i made were based simply on,what i thought my father would do,because he always seemed to have all the answers.In addition the thought of him being there,hell it gave me the courage to try,even if failure loomed large,simply because his love for me would still be there if i did screw up.
My mother,still living,down the street from me as a matter of fact,we dont talk much,even though my wife pushes me to.I am trying to get better at it though,simply put,i dont trust her.What a story she could write about her life,definately interesting enough and life has not been easy for her either.I have a younger,brother and sister,i swear they can not hate her enough,which is where we differ.Acceptance,i dont neccessairly like her or things that she has done in the past,i simply accept that she is who she is and love her for the times before our lives got crazy,it does not mean i forgot the bad things or times,i learned a lot,good and bad from her,i simply accept the fact that we all have made bad decisions in our lives,accept her for who she is today and try not to get caught up in her webs of manipulation.She really is very good at what she does,hahaha.
Brother and sister,both younger and neither in my life,that i will admit probably has a lot to do with me,unfortunately.Love them both,think of them both probably about once a week,desire to get a closre relationship but,where to start.My brother,he really is a good person,sets a lot of importance on his family and gives them 110%,you have to respect that.Out of the 3 of us he is probably the best example for normalcy,and has done pretty good for himself and his.We actually got along pretty well,though he disagreed about some things in my life,which i will say he would end up being right about.We basically have just a few things that ripped us apart.one his hatred for my mother and sister,he lived with our father for a time and my sis lived with her mother.He,maybe correctly felt my mother was a bad influence,that my sis picked up her bad ways and the fact that she led a very rebellious life under my fathers roof and when she hit the streets on her own,did not help either.Of course there is more,but thats the basics.Naturally being the oldest,both of them tried to play me to the others disadvantage,and then both of them would gang up on mom,crazy huh,thats basically how our lives were.The final straw came about when i thought he betrayed my trust in him.He had been good enough to come down south and work with me,so i could build my business up,after all was going good i put him on salary and was told he would go to his sons football practices and games,when he was supposed to be at work,Pissed off and hurt,i alienated him,my bad,there are better ways to do things and i shut him out of my life.My worst attribute,that of cutting people completely out of my life,when the hurt is so bad,has cost me dearly.Much older and a little wiser now,i have learned there are alternates,then it was the only way i could rest assured of not getting hurt,by the same person too many times.I love and miss him,i just dont know if i can undo the damage i have caused or if i can handle the rejection by him,plus,my life is pretty shitty right now and i hate looking bad.
My sister,lordy,lordy,i feel for her,life,even though she has to take a lot of the responsibility,has sucked for her.Out of the 3 of us,she has fared the worse,our relationship,god knows has been a mess.That poor girl has not caught a break her entire life and unfortunately i cant say i was much help.Back in the day,we were both party animals,just out for the good time and when i finally got my life togther,i left the state.She always looked up to me and i know i let her down,when we discovered our mother was still alive we met in california for the first time in years and i was so caught up in myself i was not much help to her either.Then she would call here and i would brush her off,which was not good on my part.I have tried to talk with her on f/b but she dose not get on it very often.The phone well that seems like a good idea and maybe i will try,but no promises right now,i know it would be the right thing to do though.
I have been married twice,both women a treasure to my heart,irregardless of what has transpired since.Here life has been good to me,both of them,are special,and brightened my life.I had 3 boys with Carol,my first wife,and Donna had 3 girls and a boy when we got married.Now this would lead you to believe that i have a large family,but reality can be a bitch.this has got to be one of longest blogs ever,hahaha.
Carol and i met,while i was out with my father,his girl and her sister.She could not dance and after asking her permission to ask someone,i ended up asking carol.An hour later i told my father i was going to marry carol and damned if i didnt.I was in the navy at the time,carol moved down to norfolk,va,to be with me,and also brought my sister who stayed with us.i was proudly serving in the submarine force,which meant i was not home a lot,including the birth of our first son marino.Carol could not deal with me being gone so much so i left the service to keep my family.we had our next son about a year later,times were rough,and though we were making it i was scared that i was a failure.At least in taking care of my family,seemed like we could never get ahead.Carols dad would call her and tell her i was not doing to well and though she supported me,i felt like a failure.I had a next door neighbor,who i helped set up his place for him and his girl,a real good friend,i thought,and we did a real stupid thing.Robbed a bank.I did my time ,Carol moved up north,with the boys,life was all messed up.Pleaded with that girl for a divorce,to no avail,i snuck up to see her the blizzard of 78,talk about being scared,thought i was gonna screw my probation up,but got lucky and she got got pregnant with mikey.eventually got my probation transferred,moved up to massachusetts.Got a job building custom fire trucks,loved it,then the company closed and i dont remember what job i took next but i also started going to school at night,college,to get a business degree.Come home one night cops are there,my in-laws who lived across the street,next thing i know, i cant see the wife or kids,and have to call my dad so i have a place to stay.Carol had,had a nervous breakdown,she was instituted for a period of time,and my life went to hell.The night of the break down,she had made some accusations,later cleared up,due to her trauma but messed my head up for sure.i could not see the boys for awhile,i did send them gifts and stuff.i guess this is when my drinking got bad,i was not a bad drunk,i just dont remember a night i diid not drink or something.We talked on the phone,infrequently,i was promoted to an office manager,and opened offices including one in Decatur,Al..While there,a friend calls me to tell me Carol is going out of control,partying all the time.Now let me state,Carol was the most loving mother you could ever want,if there was anything i was sure of,it was her love for our children.In a state of shock,i call the main office tell them there is an emergency and leave.I stayed at a friends house,went to see carol and the kids,spent some time with the kids and made arrangements to come back in a couple of days.When i returned,no Carol,no kids,to make a long story short,i tried the state offices,in-laws,etc,no luck.I tried for years to find out what happened,eventually i learned she had given the kids up to the state,and proceeded on a life of her own.I dont hold her responsible,she has had problems with breakdowns,due to her childhood,and has done the best she knows how.The damage to myself,i wont ever know in reality,i drank,partied,kinda gave up on life,money was no problem,i always seemed to do o.k.,i think i just got lost,i never stopped trying to find my kids but the laws where a lot different then,thank god these things dont happen today.
The effect this had on my life caused one of my worst decisions though.I met a wonderful woman,a soul mate i now believe,we lived together,life was simply marvelous.I dont recollect us ever arguing,with the exception of one thing.i got her pregnant.I insisted on an abortion,to my regret,which she got.At the time it seemed like the best thing with my history of being a father,i did not want to take the chance of being a failure again.I seem to be my worst enemy,sometime afterwards she told me that she was going up to visit her folks,for a couple of days.She went up and visited,i did some thinking while she was gone,and when we met i kept getting all teary eyed while we were having dinner out.She kept asking what was wrong,i told her that i thought we should break up,using all these reasons,i did not think it was working out.It turns out,she had gone to spend time with her parents,and to reflect on the decision if i was the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.She came back,with her mind made up we were right for one another,i destroyed her heart,and cost myself one of the best persons in my life.The abortion,i think had some to do with it,and i have never stopped wondering.
My second wife,Donna,we are still married,love her but its not the same as it used to be.we have been together for 20 years and thats a lot of travel through lifes road.She has 4 wonderful children,adults in their own right now.With my background,my failures,and due to the fact their father was still alive,i made a vow to the children.I would never try to be their father,but a friend i would be,i also promised them i would stay until the youngest was at least an adult.i am only going to touch on this briefly but between the time i was 11 and i believe 18,my mother got married 4 times,my father 3 times,and you thought you had me figured out,hahahaha.seriously though,i had very little use for step parents and did not want the children to go through things i had seen.I guess we never realize when we are dealing with people the true ramifications of decisions we make until time,and usually a lot of it has passed.All those years,beautiful memories,life shared with them,always trying to do the right thing,set the right example,making sure they know my support for them was there.I swear i really did do the best,for them,in my eyes.i tried to the extreme and failed,Always trying to keep up to the standards i felt my father would be proud of,placing them and their mother ahead of myself.It has not been a smooth road,i have been sober over 20 years,but did other things occasionally.Donna compares our life to a roller coaster and i can not disagree,even i am tired of the ups and downs.Life,the things it can through at you is simply amazing,its curves flip me out.here i cant talk too much,there is too much that can cause collateral damage.In this relationship with this family i have learned the most awesome beautys of love and experienced the hell love can cause.Sometimes i feel like i am the living expression of one of Dantes paintings.I am only going to touch on a couple of things here,or you would be reading a book,hahahaha.Why do we do the things we do,sometimes there is no answer,or the fear of the answer is too much for us.One of the most wonderful things that happened in my life was STORMY,i have written a blog on her already,so if interested you should just read it.Quite simply,she was christenes,first child,notice i dont say my grandchild.here is part of my problem,i do love her to death and will be eternally grateful to her for opening my heart.She is not my blood,i feel hypocritical saying this,for at this time of my life the only other child i could love more would be the child of a union that will never be.My personal hell,maybe the emptiness of what my life will be.All the girls have children now,Linda 2,Christene 4 and Michelle 1,you know its funny,i must have done something right,the girls could not wait to get married,I have always felt they saw how great their mothers and i relationship was and they felt marriage was the answer,Scotty,being the youngest watched us start to show the chinks in our relationship,and is holding out.I dont know what my problem is,probably why i am writing this,hahaha.The short version is simple,i no longer am a part of their life,Donna,has spent more time away from home,babysitting for the kids and spending time in Boston,then actually living here.Long distance relationship i guess.The kids are all grown have their own lives and with the exception of Scotty,who lives at home,i never hear from them.On top of all that my business is almost bankrupt,living day to day,and i feel so detached from everyone.They have started having a family dinner once a week,to which i am never invited,the pain over that i am learning to deal with.The photos on f/b just reinforce the pain.When my business got bad,it scared the hell out of me,i had a little bit of money,that went,and i could not even afford gas to go visit the kids.then everytime i had a little extra cash something would come up,i have never been so grateful i pay cash,no credit here,or i would have been completely wiped out.As i sit here i recall 2 things,Rocky telling me that little rocky missed me,and how last christmas Linda and Christene,came over to see me.Since then my finances have gotten worse,and life,well it seems hardly worthwhile anymore.Maybe i am selfish,i admit sometimes i think so,i sit in this empty house,constrained by my finances,restrained by inability to reach out,after being rebuffed.i am sure you know by now i dont do hurt too well or know how to deal with it,except to isolate away from the ones who hurt me.Knock,knock,why isnt anyone there?Adrift,alone,receding from life,this scares the hell out of me,and the worst part is seeing it ,knowing it and accepting it.
Candle light in my dark,i now talk with my son mikey occasionally,him and his brother marino,we met and all was good enough that we talk.Marino,he is doing time,has about 18 more months to go and maybe if i can pull my head out of my ass,we can pick up the pieces.Carol,calls occasionally,we actually have a good time on the phone,and i still love her,she has been through a lot and is still keeping up the good fight.gotta respect that,plus she never told the boys anything bad about me.Love,i am an emotional person,i can not deny the love i feel,wont deny it,God knows i have tried to bury it,keep it from showing,i will not deny it though,sometimes its pain is all that tells me i still exist,to keep up the fight.LONELY,DISTRAUGHT AND SAD,YES!!!!!I am only myself,with all my faults,loving so much,screaming from the pain and REFUSING TO BELIEVE TOMORROW WILL BE THE SAME,FOR AS AN EMOTIONAL AND ROMANTIC PERSON,I STILL BELIEVE IN THE PROMISE OF A NEW DAY,WHO KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING,MAYBE LOVE WILL NOT HIDE ITSELF FROM ME.
Family,people in our life,sometimes the ones who appear to be strongest,without the crossbeams supporting us in love,fall into that dark place,and it can be an endless journey,devoid of light.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
r u shocked
Well,well back i am,little late,but better late then later,hehehe.Actually just cant sleep,so lets give this a shot.Emotion,thats a powerful subject,and it should be easy since i am an emotional person.Logic does intervene,occasionally,i admit gratefully or i would be worse off then i am.
Am i that bad off?Financially, i guess i am but then i think of people who are living on the street and i realize,it could be a whole lot worse.i am confident that things will get better,though i admit fear has now entered my world. Invulnerability,is now a thing of the past,the grey misty cloak that has penetrated my armor,called insecurity,attacks me with no thoroughfare.Questions arise,casting shadowy spears into my thoughts,unprovoked,doubt tugs at me,creating a maelstrom of ideas,where there should be none,playing with the new fragility of self.This is the most difficult thing,to regain my belief in self,that shining knight of old,reflecting all thoughts of doubt with the brilliance of my belief in self.Morals,ethics,a belief that the world even unknown to itself,was balanced,karma,some would say.Believing in doing the right thing would be the right thing,a glorious sunburst of righteousness,.David and Goliath,only David is now a little shaky and Goliath,damn he has not fallen yet.I have not finished this struggle,i wonder if it is a fear of failing,will it all be for naught?Stepping up to the plate,i have wound up my arm,relaxed,going for strike 2,tense with the fear of throwing myself a curve. Hesitation,is it due to my my fear of failure,the collapse of this fragile glass bridge,composed of my beliefs,or that the force of my opponents hit upon my throw will shatter my bridge.Shards of bright colored glass,my beliefs,spearing their way into a dark chasm,sucking out the colors,melting the glass,absorbing it into the dark,a loss for which there is no cure.A loss of self.I have tasted fear,to swallow it,would be evidence of my weakness,i spit it out,trembling for the residue remains,reflection of my fear,of showing my fear,pushing me to show i have no fear,while i tremble inside,truthful to my self.
All that pent up,this thing with kroger,it will be the death of me but i cant let go,i am right!that is not how the world works,i have discovered,maybe i will not come out ahead,but i will be the mouse that roared and was heard.
Home,pictures fill my eyes,scenes of pictures,my mind throws them with no apparent order,random thoughts from all directions.Sad,for it is what it is and change will only occur if i am strong enough to believe in myself to attempt change.Beautiful memories, kaleidoscopes of smiles,different faces,warmth of yesteryear,sadness in todays home.logic,who is there,where did i go so wrong,a shell,emptiness staring at me in every direction,the void of what was sucked into a small pinprick,lost somewhere in here,hidden to my eyes.Emotion,a home empty of,house devoid of,is just a house.Is this why,i think of doing something creative with it but there is no drive,nothing but the idea,has my home become a house,a parody of self,a body empty of the juice of life,love.Treasures,surround me,treasures of warm times,laughter,emotions running a gauntlet called life,love caressing objects of no importance to others,its jewels born of love inspired moments captured in my heart.House,a box of treasues,gazed upon by a shell,emptiness,sadness,i laugh at myself,sarcastically.Would i not be happier,the moment of truth,in a box,on a street,cursing the rain,soaking our home,looking at you,seeing your smile,laughing at the beauty of you,happy in just being with you.Home,i am discovering more and more what it truly means,and sadly what is not home.
Family,may god have mercy on me,for i believe i have none.This i know is not true and some do care and i know i am not the a good example,i am just so tired of not being a part of.I dont even know what to do about it,i have shielded myself from getting hurt or not showing my pain,i dont know how to change.Do i go start over somewhere,would those concerned be happier,do i stay,feeling less then,insignificant in lives important to me.Choice,truth is it is my choice,frozen,like a deer in the headlights,the outcome,not matter i choose,my,my biggest gamble.To live i must make a decision,or existence will be just that,an existence, bereft of love,Life,my life,the incurable romantic,is more,i hope.Fear,can i overcome its paralysis of self,scared i am afraid i will bolt in the wrong direction,to be be hit by the car.So afraid,so afraid of getting older,looking back,seeing myself frozen still,devoid of feeling,for at one time i lived.
Am i that bad off?Financially, i guess i am but then i think of people who are living on the street and i realize,it could be a whole lot worse.i am confident that things will get better,though i admit fear has now entered my world. Invulnerability,is now a thing of the past,the grey misty cloak that has penetrated my armor,called insecurity,attacks me with no thoroughfare.Questions arise,casting shadowy spears into my thoughts,unprovoked,doubt tugs at me,creating a maelstrom of ideas,where there should be none,playing with the new fragility of self.This is the most difficult thing,to regain my belief in self,that shining knight of old,reflecting all thoughts of doubt with the brilliance of my belief in self.Morals,ethics,a belief that the world even unknown to itself,was balanced,karma,some would say.Believing in doing the right thing would be the right thing,a glorious sunburst of righteousness,.David and Goliath,only David is now a little shaky and Goliath,damn he has not fallen yet.I have not finished this struggle,i wonder if it is a fear of failing,will it all be for naught?Stepping up to the plate,i have wound up my arm,relaxed,going for strike 2,tense with the fear of throwing myself a curve. Hesitation,is it due to my my fear of failure,the collapse of this fragile glass bridge,composed of my beliefs,or that the force of my opponents hit upon my throw will shatter my bridge.Shards of bright colored glass,my beliefs,spearing their way into a dark chasm,sucking out the colors,melting the glass,absorbing it into the dark,a loss for which there is no cure.A loss of self.I have tasted fear,to swallow it,would be evidence of my weakness,i spit it out,trembling for the residue remains,reflection of my fear,of showing my fear,pushing me to show i have no fear,while i tremble inside,truthful to my self.
All that pent up,this thing with kroger,it will be the death of me but i cant let go,i am right!that is not how the world works,i have discovered,maybe i will not come out ahead,but i will be the mouse that roared and was heard.
Home,pictures fill my eyes,scenes of pictures,my mind throws them with no apparent order,random thoughts from all directions.Sad,for it is what it is and change will only occur if i am strong enough to believe in myself to attempt change.Beautiful memories, kaleidoscopes of smiles,different faces,warmth of yesteryear,sadness in todays home.logic,who is there,where did i go so wrong,a shell,emptiness staring at me in every direction,the void of what was sucked into a small pinprick,lost somewhere in here,hidden to my eyes.Emotion,a home empty of,house devoid of,is just a house.Is this why,i think of doing something creative with it but there is no drive,nothing but the idea,has my home become a house,a parody of self,a body empty of the juice of life,love.Treasures,surround me,treasures of warm times,laughter,emotions running a gauntlet called life,love caressing objects of no importance to others,its jewels born of love inspired moments captured in my heart.House,a box of treasues,gazed upon by a shell,emptiness,sadness,i laugh at myself,sarcastically.Would i not be happier,the moment of truth,in a box,on a street,cursing the rain,soaking our home,looking at you,seeing your smile,laughing at the beauty of you,happy in just being with you.Home,i am discovering more and more what it truly means,and sadly what is not home.
Family,may god have mercy on me,for i believe i have none.This i know is not true and some do care and i know i am not the a good example,i am just so tired of not being a part of.I dont even know what to do about it,i have shielded myself from getting hurt or not showing my pain,i dont know how to change.Do i go start over somewhere,would those concerned be happier,do i stay,feeling less then,insignificant in lives important to me.Choice,truth is it is my choice,frozen,like a deer in the headlights,the outcome,not matter i choose,my,my biggest gamble.To live i must make a decision,or existence will be just that,an existence, bereft of love,Life,my life,the incurable romantic,is more,i hope.Fear,can i overcome its paralysis of self,scared i am afraid i will bolt in the wrong direction,to be be hit by the car.So afraid,so afraid of getting older,looking back,seeing myself frozen still,devoid of feeling,for at one time i lived.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
events of this month
It has been an interesting month.since i dont have the worlds best memory,i am going to work my way backwards.today,i lost a hundred dollar bill,which totally screwed up my week.I just got my check,was out paying bills and stuff,WHAM,went to pay for battery and noticed it missing.Dont know what i will do but i will have to come up with something or electricity shut off on 28th.
We had problems with wife's truck earlier last week,bought a new starter,could not get it on and came to find out,the problem was the battery.Took starter back,got refund,went to walmart,paid for battery,and upon returning the old one discovered money was missing.Oh me,oh my,how quick everything can go to hell,hehehe.i am only laughing because its that or cry,which wont help at all.i will have to figure someting out by this evening as now i don't have enough for gas to go to work.Enough on that.
Work was pretty good,not very much,unfortunately,but i had a store that needed extra work,resurfacing on parking lot destroyed floor and felt guilty as it looked yellowish last time,so i went ahead and stripped it this time,no extra charge,i am sure the company knows whats going on but did it for myself.Then check was not wrote till today so broke all week,life is funny isnt it?If check had been on time,oh well,still my bad money lost.
Kids had their weekly family dinner,no invite,was ok till i saw pictures posted on facebook,talk about knowing my place in their life,well i guess i will have to deal with it.They have their own lives,my day has come and gone.Another lesson learned,why is it always too late when i learn my lesson,hehehe.NO,it really isnt funny,what you gonna do?Punt.
Spinakers and La Velas last w/e,doing my dancing thing,hahahaha.Spinakers was pretty good,people are talking to me more and it is becoming more social,not a lot,better then not knowing anyone though.Went there Friday and Sunday,band was ok,nothing to write home about but good,and i did come out of my shell dancing to dj mix in rock arena,couple of times.La Velas,ughhh,,i was pissed,actually,had a good time dancing on platform overlooking the dance floor.the flooring was clear plastic and had some give to it,so was COMFY,on my feet.Danced so hard thought i was gonna have a heart attack,hehehe.It was a weird kinda power trip dancing above all the people on the floor,and observing them staring up at me,kinda cool actually.Some came up afterwards,but i just kinda ran away,hehehe.I had gone there to see Nappy Roots and dissapointment dosent even cover the performance.They were late and unprofessional,what a let down,so called it an early night and went home,i still had a good time though.
Week before,did xlanes on the coast,borrowed 15.00 off sal and started 2 new stores.The owner of dodges chicken was upset about the how dirty his floors were in Ft.Walton and Pensacola,so d.m. gave me the work,thanks rich,.That enabled me to pay the mortgage,YEAH,and pay some other things we needed to catch up on.Times are rough,it teaches a new appreciation for money and any extra work you can get.i spoke to my son mikey a little and he has a real,REAL,job,so kinda proud of him.He also has a new squeeze,what else is new,but he is happy and i am happy for him.
Before i forget,got a letter from my eldest son,Marino ,says he got transferred to another camp,monticello and i guess i will be visiting him there as soon as the paperwork gets straight.I was surprised when he told me he only has another 18 months,time flies,thats good though.Hoping that he will be able to stay here on his release.I worry,not sure if i am doing the right thing for the right reason,i want to know him better,always thought he was kinda cool,just dont know if i am being selfish,at any rate hopefully business will be better and he can work with me.
Thats about it,the previous week work was ok and i wrote about the w/e concert,so not much else to talk about,tomorrow i will post another blog on emotional roller coaster of this month,but this is a wrap.Sooner or later i will get camera or video to start putting stuff up with my blog,no i have not forgot or stopped loving you,just at a loss at what to do about life right now.More tomorrow,later,me
We had problems with wife's truck earlier last week,bought a new starter,could not get it on and came to find out,the problem was the battery.Took starter back,got refund,went to walmart,paid for battery,and upon returning the old one discovered money was missing.Oh me,oh my,how quick everything can go to hell,hehehe.i am only laughing because its that or cry,which wont help at all.i will have to figure someting out by this evening as now i don't have enough for gas to go to work.Enough on that.
Work was pretty good,not very much,unfortunately,but i had a store that needed extra work,resurfacing on parking lot destroyed floor and felt guilty as it looked yellowish last time,so i went ahead and stripped it this time,no extra charge,i am sure the company knows whats going on but did it for myself.Then check was not wrote till today so broke all week,life is funny isnt it?If check had been on time,oh well,still my bad money lost.
Kids had their weekly family dinner,no invite,was ok till i saw pictures posted on facebook,talk about knowing my place in their life,well i guess i will have to deal with it.They have their own lives,my day has come and gone.Another lesson learned,why is it always too late when i learn my lesson,hehehe.NO,it really isnt funny,what you gonna do?Punt.
Spinakers and La Velas last w/e,doing my dancing thing,hahahaha.Spinakers was pretty good,people are talking to me more and it is becoming more social,not a lot,better then not knowing anyone though.Went there Friday and Sunday,band was ok,nothing to write home about but good,and i did come out of my shell dancing to dj mix in rock arena,couple of times.La Velas,ughhh,,i was pissed,actually,had a good time dancing on platform overlooking the dance floor.the flooring was clear plastic and had some give to it,so was COMFY,on my feet.Danced so hard thought i was gonna have a heart attack,hehehe.It was a weird kinda power trip dancing above all the people on the floor,and observing them staring up at me,kinda cool actually.Some came up afterwards,but i just kinda ran away,hehehe.I had gone there to see Nappy Roots and dissapointment dosent even cover the performance.They were late and unprofessional,what a let down,so called it an early night and went home,i still had a good time though.
Week before,did xlanes on the coast,borrowed 15.00 off sal and started 2 new stores.The owner of dodges chicken was upset about the how dirty his floors were in Ft.Walton and Pensacola,so d.m. gave me the work,thanks rich,.That enabled me to pay the mortgage,YEAH,and pay some other things we needed to catch up on.Times are rough,it teaches a new appreciation for money and any extra work you can get.i spoke to my son mikey a little and he has a real,REAL,job,so kinda proud of him.He also has a new squeeze,what else is new,but he is happy and i am happy for him.
Before i forget,got a letter from my eldest son,Marino ,says he got transferred to another camp,monticello and i guess i will be visiting him there as soon as the paperwork gets straight.I was surprised when he told me he only has another 18 months,time flies,thats good though.Hoping that he will be able to stay here on his release.I worry,not sure if i am doing the right thing for the right reason,i want to know him better,always thought he was kinda cool,just dont know if i am being selfish,at any rate hopefully business will be better and he can work with me.
Thats about it,the previous week work was ok and i wrote about the w/e concert,so not much else to talk about,tomorrow i will post another blog on emotional roller coaster of this month,but this is a wrap.Sooner or later i will get camera or video to start putting stuff up with my blog,no i have not forgot or stopped loving you,just at a loss at what to do about life right now.More tomorrow,later,me
Saturday, August 4, 2012
you cant handle the truth
I woke up soooo late,i probably needed it but what a waste of a saturday,must have been 3 when i finally woke.Set alarm for 10 did not recall it going off. Depression,so hard to fight sometimes,especially when you know no one else to blame but you.Life,my life is such a mess,seems like everything i have touched with love has turned into a disaster.Quit,i don't really think of myself as a quitter,but too many nights,i find myself driving down dark roads,going to work,wishing a truck would sideswipe me,or that the van would flip over.The one thing that stops me is who would take care of the ones i care for,not that they are incapable of taking care of themselves,just that sometimes i like to feel necessary.Plus i have no insurance and i would not do that to my wife,no matter how bad it got.
My blog, isn't getting many hits now,or i would not be so honest.So i guess i finally got my own space,with some regret.Financially,i am ruined,i want to say i keep trying,honestly,i know that i am not doing my best.IT is like i just want to surrender,just don't know how,i have never given up in things,it seems i have lost the ability to fight.Tears are welling in my eyes,i hate seeing myself putting down these words,so berefit of hope,lost in a world,i created myself,dark clouds of oppression and doubt,hovering over the rest of my life.where do i go from here?i don't have any idea,failed at love,financially impoverished,sinking into a muddy whirlpool,with just enough fight to keep from drowning in self pity.
Excuses, excuses,reasons i give myself,for this and that,insecure enough that even i doubt my explanations.Am i being realistic,honest with myself or are they simply avenues with enough truth to hide behind or deceive myself,on this road we call life.It is humorous,one statement i always remembered,is this,YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH,is this the place i find myself at now.Self doubt,the destroyer,i can fight almost anything as long as i believe in myself,to lose faith in me, that's scary,no other way to put it.Have i believed too much in my beliefs,watching their destruction,has it made me reach that point of no return.loss of all,not once but repeatedly,have i reached the breaking point.
Love,the one thing that i always have had faith in,is it a dream,made impotent,by life's harsher realities.Money,i have none,no retirement,me,the man that alwayts believed he would be the artisan of floor care,my time is at an end,what do i do now?It is not that there is not work,clerk,janitor,jobs that require no skill,if i have to i guess i will do it.Not like i have much choice,we have to live.Living,without joy seems like slavery,an existence similar to a machine.It suffices for others,i quite simply am scared of becoming an automaton,simply existing.No love,to oil the machinations of existence,motions friction,grinding away my core,dreams winking out,a shell,its there,until being crushed under the footstep of a life,with no life.
Sadness,in my effort to be strong,i have alienated myself,who would believe the pain i feel in being alone, bereft of love,i who endeavor to shower my love to others,to let them know someone cares,feel like the child, who cowers under the blanket afraid of the monsters in the dark.My fear is that of not being loved.i wonder when i die,my funeral,what will it be like,what memories will others have of me.I who had hoped to leave a legacy of love,fear to hear the conversations at my funeral.The terms,what if,if only he could have,to few of what would be considered positive.Where did i go wrong?
I went wrong in having believed in my own beliefs.There is no one and nothing else to blame,and you know,writing this i find i am not sorry.Sad,yes,lonely yes,confused yes,and scared of my future life.Damn it,i look back at my life as i write this,different,unique,hills and valleys,yes,but i have given much joy to peoples lives.i know i have also created pain but,never,never maliciously or with intent.I guess the biggest failure in my life,is love,i failed,devoid of it,life is empty,i always said without it life has no meaning,there just seems no reason for existence without it.Love,i try not to cry,fighting back tears,i believe in it so much,its the spice of living,without,it has no purpose.Solitary being that i am,the desire to be one with another,thats what life was all about,the knowledge i am alone,irregardless of my efforts,tells me,too much,love you,me,the end.?
My blog, isn't getting many hits now,or i would not be so honest.So i guess i finally got my own space,with some regret.Financially,i am ruined,i want to say i keep trying,honestly,i know that i am not doing my best.IT is like i just want to surrender,just don't know how,i have never given up in things,it seems i have lost the ability to fight.Tears are welling in my eyes,i hate seeing myself putting down these words,so berefit of hope,lost in a world,i created myself,dark clouds of oppression and doubt,hovering over the rest of my life.where do i go from here?i don't have any idea,failed at love,financially impoverished,sinking into a muddy whirlpool,with just enough fight to keep from drowning in self pity.
Excuses, excuses,reasons i give myself,for this and that,insecure enough that even i doubt my explanations.Am i being realistic,honest with myself or are they simply avenues with enough truth to hide behind or deceive myself,on this road we call life.It is humorous,one statement i always remembered,is this,YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH,is this the place i find myself at now.Self doubt,the destroyer,i can fight almost anything as long as i believe in myself,to lose faith in me, that's scary,no other way to put it.Have i believed too much in my beliefs,watching their destruction,has it made me reach that point of no return.loss of all,not once but repeatedly,have i reached the breaking point.
Love,the one thing that i always have had faith in,is it a dream,made impotent,by life's harsher realities.Money,i have none,no retirement,me,the man that alwayts believed he would be the artisan of floor care,my time is at an end,what do i do now?It is not that there is not work,clerk,janitor,jobs that require no skill,if i have to i guess i will do it.Not like i have much choice,we have to live.Living,without joy seems like slavery,an existence similar to a machine.It suffices for others,i quite simply am scared of becoming an automaton,simply existing.No love,to oil the machinations of existence,motions friction,grinding away my core,dreams winking out,a shell,its there,until being crushed under the footstep of a life,with no life.
Sadness,in my effort to be strong,i have alienated myself,who would believe the pain i feel in being alone, bereft of love,i who endeavor to shower my love to others,to let them know someone cares,feel like the child, who cowers under the blanket afraid of the monsters in the dark.My fear is that of not being loved.i wonder when i die,my funeral,what will it be like,what memories will others have of me.I who had hoped to leave a legacy of love,fear to hear the conversations at my funeral.The terms,what if,if only he could have,to few of what would be considered positive.Where did i go wrong?
I went wrong in having believed in my own beliefs.There is no one and nothing else to blame,and you know,writing this i find i am not sorry.Sad,yes,lonely yes,confused yes,and scared of my future life.Damn it,i look back at my life as i write this,different,unique,hills and valleys,yes,but i have given much joy to peoples lives.i know i have also created pain but,never,never maliciously or with intent.I guess the biggest failure in my life,is love,i failed,devoid of it,life is empty,i always said without it life has no meaning,there just seems no reason for existence without it.Love,i try not to cry,fighting back tears,i believe in it so much,its the spice of living,without,it has no purpose.Solitary being that i am,the desire to be one with another,thats what life was all about,the knowledge i am alone,irregardless of my efforts,tells me,too much,love you,me,the end.?
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