the w/e

the weekend is almost over,sad,even though i went to work today it was a short day.so lets talk about the w/e,stayed home on friday,not much cash but all good,only 2 more weeks of serious budgeting,or being broke as they say.i went to walmart on friday,spent a whooping 32 bucks,was talking to cashier,told her i couldn't believe thats all i spent,and a lady said it was too bad i was on a budget.i told her lot had happened in my life in the last year and that even if i did not have much money,the things i had learned in the last year were irreplaceable,had also brought me back in touch with reality,hahahaha,and well worth the financial cost,which truly is difficult even for me to believe,but i believe a lot of things i was blind to,or refused to admit to myself,are things i am no longer afraid to look at.did not say i liked the knowledge,but the world was not particularly made with me in mind.so its ok,and at least i am learning to separate,the way i would rather see my world colored,from the realities of the worlds true colors,the picture may not be the one i would paint,but i can still appreciate the art,of life.got up early on saturday,yeahhhhh,finally,so cleaned house,cut grass,cleaned laundry and made dinner,oh yeah finished taking down xmas decorations from outside,by 6pm i was bored,nothing left too do,cleaned front of van out even.watched some tv and was messing around on computer,lo and behold got looking for free e books for reader,my wife got me but just never used,and heard about smashwords!!awesome site,free books and books you can buy inexpensively,now i am off to the races and going for first,hahaha,they have a wide selection and i could not make my mind up,but went for science fiction,and,being cheap,free books.over 6000 free books of different venues.then i had to figure out how to put in e reader,took some time,but got it done.i am so excited,a new world to explore,you gottta love it.to continue on went to la velas but did not get there till 10,they had a tribute band for guns and roses,who really just did not have the punch that a hard driven band like,guns and roses,kicks with,so ,sorry,lameville it was dubbed,by myself anyway.cover was only 5,danced a little,on the sideline naturally,but it was a fair night,went home about 1,ate a little something,then tried to sleep,to no avail.so what did i do,get back on smashwords,but now i could not remember how to transfer to e reader,lordy,i would be dangerous if i had a mind. Sunday has come and ,yes i woke up a little late,duhhhh,so after chewing myself out ,repeatedly,i looked over my f/b ,took a shower and went to work,2 hour ride each way so it gives you too much time to think,when you are having an off day,however the work went well,came home,started off with smashwords,finallyyyy,figured out d/l procedure and got a couple of more novels,so end result all good.well that's it for tonight,see you later and i hope your w/e was as good as mind

dad

no idea where to start,just thought of song,its 5oclock in the morning and its actually3:40 am,love that song so hold on while i turn stereo on.ok,im not over you,playing and i guess that's true.so,yes it has been a good day,wish my typing would get better,hahaha.even though i turned in my invoices last night,i never figure out the ending amount,just go to pick up check and pray for the best.i had so much to pay out,i really did not think it was going to happen,di not know what not to pay,figured i would see what was actual no.and take it from there.i must have done some kind of subconscious thing through the week,cause after paying bills due,had enough for gas and smokes,which just goes to show,someone likes me out there.food i am fine on,the only thing i am concerned with is having money for wax,but will probably go to convience store next door and work deal out for floor work against gas and cigs,which will give me the all i need for work,always  some way of getting it done,oh yeahhhhh.good wax is expensive like 30 dollars a gallon and up but there's no sense in using an inexpensive wax on my ahemmmmm,artwork,hehehehe.mortgage is paid,cant believe that i came up with a financial plan,actually following it and things are progressing better than expected,i do feel guilty about badcocks bill,but it will get paid off this month so that's still a month ahead of their due date.so if things continue as expected,murphys law3 will jump in i am sure,i should be out of the hole and things looking up in 2,yes 2 more weeks.thats what i am talking about,ah well,his is one of those times i look at my dads picture and say wish i had been more like you,should have listened more,god i miss you.love you,and hope you can see i am trying.oh that spilled an emotional roller coaster,miss him so much,love him so much,and damn life is not the same without him.my father,what a guy,i don't remember a time in my life when he was not the most revered person in my world,from a childs awe inspired love to a teen,lonely,confused,mixed up,the beacon for all my answers,for my adulthood when i began to admit my own infalliblety,his unconditional love,the strength,his life the sun that showed me the way,brightening me when in doubt,his eyes crinkling when laughing with me at the mistakes i made,and his confidence in my ability to do what i thought was right,not necessarily his belief,but a belief in my thoughts,actions,that told me,of his confidence in me as a man.i want to cry so bad,holding it in as i type,its not a void,just the desire to talk and share with my best friend,never has any one shown so much faith in me,or trust.he was just a regular guy,no fancy money,or house,worked,god he worked so hard,died broke financially,but loved,god knows his wife and stepchildren,they gave all they could and more.made me feel guilty,to be honest,but i do know my dad knew i loved him to death,and beyond.i will never for get we were working for suburban cleaning together,doing the final clean on the new stop and shop high rise in quincy,looking out through the the big plate glass window,he told me about how when he first got out of the service after his first term,he used to sleep all over the area we were looking at,.at that time not a lot of  big business,just mom and pops,woolworths,and bars.told me about how him and his father never got along,my grandfather was a powerfully built man,set in his ways,came from the old country,and the bull in his home,no questions asked.dad always treated him with respect when we kids were around,but dad was the oldest child,and responsible for all the behavior of his brothers and sisters,guess that's where he taught me the same.beatings,he took quite a few, that's just the way his father was raised and passed it down,sometimes for his siblings if they messed up he got the whack,i remember his brothers and sisters,speaking of it with reverence,at his wake.my dad said all he did when he got out of army was drink,fall down drink again,sleeping in streets,anywhere.i could just not imagine him in that situation,he drank,sometimes in excess,scared me when he would get mad,but could not see him being a drunken bum.he told me thats when he decided to reenlist,and make it his life,as there he found enough structure to make his life somewhat manageable.i will never forget the telling of that story,the intimacy of that moment,he was not a superman.he had not always been perfect,and i have never loved him more.for to me he was a god,infallible,for all his faults,his very few open mistakes,and never failing righteous wisdom.in the telling of his tale,he became human,approachable,perhaps even wiser,letting me know all is not what it seems,life is a making of choices,those choices affecting us and our families for life.i miss you so much,you were my security blanket,when we were apart i would ask myself,what would my father do,today i still do the same,knowing you arew gone.i want to laugh with you,i miss your smile,hearing you tell marge,she is the boss,i miss your quiet confidence,how you loved playing with your dogs,or complaining marge was spending all your money.i miss being able to call you when i felt weak or unsure,just hearing your voice giving me the strength to take care of business without telling you i had a problem.i am glad,you accepted me for who i was,giving me the strength to be who i am today.you have seen me in all,my highs,my lows,and i wont let us down now either dad.i am at a difficult time in my life,the wisdom,your life,the man,you are,shoulder me in the journey i am taking.i know you are here,my heart fills for you,i will walk with my head high,our pride in doing whats right,and the knowledge i would not wish to shame my fathers name.the gift you have bestowed me,that badge,your name i wear with the pride of alexanders army,as i conquer my own world,its problems,and the knowledge,your love has made it all possible.you gave me the freedom to be me,watch me fly and know if i fall into the the sun your love will comfort me,lets go dad,time to fly,love you,your son,me.

filling in the blanks

work week is over,scheduled accounts anyway,sales tomorrow, optimism is in force,hehehe.been awhile since i have been on so lets fill in the blanks,to the best of my ability,smile.ok,friday sucked at la velas,talk about dead, definitely should have done something else with my 8 dollars,but band was ok.now, Saturday that was rocking and only 5 bucks for the cover,probably spent 15 dollars total,but well worth it ,people were kicking it up and band sounded better then previous night.it did not hurt that i danced a little either,andddddddddd got a couple of compliments,yeah that's right,the old man was doing it up,quietly and to the side,but having a blast.a guy that i had seen break dancing earlier,him and another went to war with each other and came up to me.he asked why i don't get on the floor,you know i dance by the bar and then asked if i was married,to which i replied yes.told him i did not get on floor cause i am happy here,keeps me from getting too wild,and the women don't bother me while i am not on floor.said he could understand sometimes he liked to just do his own thing and complimented me on my style,said him and some friends were watching me earlier and could not figure out why i was not breaking out on the floor. that's why his second question was about being married,said i would be welcome with his group anytime,and they would make sure i was not bothered.yeahh,aint gonna lie,made my ego feel good,ran into a couple of guys i knew from stetsons and shooting pool before,rapped with them and called it a night,actually it was a good night.sunday,was a something else,i really wanted to watch the pats play,which is so totally not like me,even thought about putting off work,but after watching for awhile,i felt guilty about not going to work so went on in.i pulled into Bristol store,just to get coffee,they thought i was there to start on floor and copped an attitude,put me in a bad mood,most people,like to see me ,clerks anyway,they get out of mopping the floors,hehehe.well naturally,that got the old mind going but had a good time at the next store and when i got back to Bristol she was in a better mood so all good. every time i go to Tallahassee i wish for a radio so bad,i dream of the day,maybe in a couple of months.oh yeah,forgot but got the shed done Monday morning,after i got back,i swear i think too much,got too thinking about all my big plans when i first got it,gonna set up wood craft area,do this do that,never did,and no one to blame but me.got it all done,and it was ok,with in myself,i guess i am learning to let go,try to do better and accept things,when necessary.the rest of the week until tonight was just taking care of business,i love doing my floors,hahahah,i am sick,it feels so good when people compliment you,and the end result is a thing of pride.my sleep pattern is driving me nuts though,i am trying to go to sleep,when i get home,however i start reading my books and stay up too late,duhhhhh.then i get upset cause i sleep too late,reading kim harrisons,black magic sanction,now and earlier this week read,enemies,by lee hogan,the conclusion to bellarius,i had been waiting for from the book store and also,william gibsons,pattern recognition,which was an interesting novel about a woman who had the abilty,to tell if a trademark would work for different corporations. that's a rather shallow description,but it is an interesting read.after the girl with the dragon tattoo trilogy,which wrapped me so well,i think i am hungry for more,have been considering buying the rest of the mission earth series,by ron hubbard,just so i have a long read.it consists of 10 novels and would keep me going for awhile,hahaha.you know i was just looking over what i had wrote so far and i just feel good about life,sometimes it only takes a little thing to remind you of the how fortunate you are.hell i am sitting here,worried about belly getting big,and there are some out there starving,i have the joy of knowing things have been getting better,not easy but better,life in being somewhat of a challenge is actually,more enjoyable.i am not going to b/s myself,sure i would love to hit the lottery,but i do enjoy the challenges that come my way.even if i don't say win every-time,i don't sell myself short,and am proud of the fact,i am making some headway,maybe not a lot,but,i am pulling ahead.a while back,my anger took up too much of my space,and today well,i am smiling more,and life,i think i am going to live it more then exist in it.sooooooooooo,on that note,be happy,and remember,if tomorrow comes,you have an opportunity for a fresh start,in something that's important,if only to you,but then it is your life you are living isn't it,later,get some love,smile a little smile and know it can get better.

the shed

im backk,lo i scare myself sometimes,just so you know.ok,where do i start,that seems to be the question,90 percent of the time,so many thoughts flitting around, sometimes i wish i would use my little recorder just to try to keep up with myself,hahahaha.mainly because,i think so much about different things,they flit through my mind, like the snap of clothes drying in a strong wind ,and just as you wonder,figure out where that sound came from,the thought is gone till next time.duhhhhh,if i only had a mind,hehe.cleaned out the shed today,its a ten by twenty and we are going into a ten by ten.at first, insurmountable,just too much,tires buffing pads,christmas decorations,file cabinets,and all precious memories,of times past,diving into yesteryear,fear of tender moments,being forced to reconcile with the reality of downsizing,that shifting of importance,to admit that the today must overcome the emotional,remember when,what,oh look i forgot all about that do you...............ah,life,sometimes i wonder,with a touch of fear,am i a hoarder,do i have to keep a physical manifestion of times past in order to retain a memory.i began,with a sense of loss,failure,responsible for the fact that i did not make enough to,just not have to worry about paying the rent.first mop buckets,some with frozen wheels,wringers that are broken,evidence of procrastination,was going to fix,never got to it.decided all trash on the left wall,fill van and keep making trips till i am done.overwhelmed,straight up.buffing pads,brown green red pink,and black,rainbow of the work and jobs i had done previously,there must have been at least a 100 or 200.some used to the point that they were almost as thin as thick pancakes,others with the dirt of stores from,sopchoppy,fl. to orange bch.,al,patiently lying there to be cleaned,reused in a dance,with the floor man.no bitterness,an awareness,i throw all away,tossing yesterday away.boxes,containing junk,what did i keep this for,others hiding small teasures,i thought i had lost,hidden in the shadowy bottom of a partially crushed box.a wheel,brand new,for my scrubber,a set of tools,in what i thought was an empty case,and other little things bringing sun into a dark task.ok ,tires,thats easy,no memories here,just cars that had seen there time,and scottys 1000.00 rims,the things we spend money on.oh well maybe i can sell the tires and scotty can use the money off his rims for his trip to orlando.that will help defray the cost of going to the dump,cause its beginning to look exspensive.the trash wall is looking impressive,ancient jugs of cleansers,have to empty those,awning,boxes empty and others full of what did i keep this for,trimmers for the yard,antiquated,you can buy one cheaper now then the cost of fixing these.an old air conditioner,to big for one person to move hidden under boxes and pads,the white now a dingy grey,i could have sworn,i took to the dump.whats left,our old bed frame,the magic of special memories.the last time my wife would tell me she liked an expensive item,for fear i would find some way to get it for her,just starting to make a little money,it cost 2000.00,no mattress,the movers and i had to bring it in through the 2nd story in order to bring it through the sliding glass doors,as there was no other way to get it in,hahaha.i will never forget the disbelief on her face when she found out,or the joy in my heart,giving her a gift she never expected.a small buffer,bought it brand new,worked for a little bit,but not to my expectations,but worth keeping,my big scrubbers,well used,old,but top of the line,and working.a smile for the batle i had to go through to get them back up after losing the tom thumb account,buying batteries,going to alabama,having to argue and convince them that i was serious,showing up at 5 am,determined not to leave without my machine.taking one more load to the new shed,its clean,fresh,the things i have kept look good,stored in their new home.i will finish tomorrow,i relock my old shed,and reflect on all those things i am taking to the dump,not so bad,a lot,that needs to go.treasures,neccessitys,they will all manage in my new space,it was time to clear some debris from yesterday,to make room for today and the promise of growth tomorrow.i feel good now,sometimes going through the mumble of what is,illuminates the beauty of things forgotten,helping to create a new road of adventures for tomorrow.imagine my smile,i am smiling,i made it,i turned it and its all good.welcome to my world,hahaha,plus they are now playing,its 5 oclock in the morning,purrr,my favorite song,what a way to finish,going to dance on another floor now,eat your heart out,hehehe,LOL,ME.

kroger

hi,what a great day,finally paid off major bill,and i am so happy.broke but a lot of us are,so guess we will just have to persevere,keep that smile on our face and ROCK this world,hahahaha.was talking with some good people i know today and one of them brought up the question of why i was still trying to arguing with kroger over the tom thumb episode.you know it was a good question,while i have learned to live with the situation,loss of contract,and am going forward with my life,i confess,i will not and can not let it go.it has to do with life,belief in ourself,the moral standards we set not only for ourself,but our children and finally integrity.i am not going to go into a lot of detail over the situation itself,but am going to attempt to explain why i can not just let it go.in order to survive in this world,i have to have believe in myself,not with an ego problem,but faith enough to believe i have control over my own life.while we are subject to situations beyond our control,our faith gives us the strength to overcome the obstacles that life places in our way.the ability to take defeat and turn it into a win,or the strength we discover in fighting for ourself,even if we dont win,makes us the unique individuals we are.to submit,to allow a situation to overcome,to surrender without a fight,defeats the freedom of the spirit,making us less then,betraying the soul of man.we are special,refusing to subcomb,we reach for the stars in our dreams,uncontent with just watching them overhead.when we emerge from battle,even if we are not victorious,through our actions we also influence others around us,by demonstrating a belief in ourselves we may give strength to others,in the course of their life.children are our most valuable treasure,we preach to them,the values that are of utmost concern in fashioning them,molding them in a fashion to give them the ability not to just survive life,but strength,to overcome,and persevere irregardless of life's many pitfalls,they are our living testament to life,even after our death.to a parent,a child will always be a child irregardless of age,they are the well we wish to fill with our water of life's lessons.there have been kings who were crowned at the age of 12, bereft of the knowledge of their parents and others who waited till they were in the more mature years.i am king of my family,i have a responsibility to others,not just in my family,but also as a leader,to set an example that will protect those i care for,not just now,but especially for those times when i am gone.in today's world,there are times when i feel like a cog in a big machine,and not even a major one,in reality we are individuals,which means we are responsible,at least for our self.kroger is a major corporation which is definitely more powerful then litle ole me.it also states that it is a morally correct company,stressing that its employees are held to a high moral standard and that the officers of the company are held to these same principles,the same ones i believe we try to instill in our children.now it really is very simple to me,i run my business,not only with thoughts of profit,but also whats best for my customers,i believe if my customer does well,i will do better,so i keep my costs down so we may both expand together.now this means i must have a belief in the company and its values or there is no sense in trying to cut costs for the customer.all too often we hear about the soullessness of big industry,and while i believe its true for some it is not true for all.companies are run by people,all have some sense of moral ethics.it is the officers of the company which dictate the soul of that company.when a company the size of kroger is going to be telling the world of its moral expectations especially when used as a marketing tool,i am going to hold them accountable.we elect representatives of government,basing our vote on the statements they make,holding them accountable,and if they lie or mislead us we do not re elect them.kroger is a public company,its shareholders expect their officers to act with integrity,if the officers fail to do so,and it is brought to the shareholders attention,there can be changes made.the c.e.o. and other officers,can not and should not be allowed to act with impunity,there is a code of ethics to which they have made themselves accountable,and they have chosen this path on their own,by choosing to work for a company of high moral standards,per sae.i would be remiss in my duties,not only in my own sense of morals,but also to the stockholders of the company,its electoral body,if i were to allow them to treat me as if i am insignificant,for many stockholders only own a few shares,in the scheme of things they are just as important as those who hold thousands of shares.how many times have we heard of an injustice,even if it appears so only to those not in power,and then said if there was only something i could do.sometimes it is easier to just let it go,no fight,move on,my life has been built on doing what i think is right,without inflicting pain and suffering on others,sometimes at a cost.i learn from those i consider my peers,ron brown,jim lewis.and others,leaders of men,to take the lessons they have taught me and not to use them,would make me a poor student,out of respect for them,i can not allow others to treat me less then.i may be defeated,however i will retain my selfrespect,and the integrity of my own beliefs.to do any less would be an undermining of my core,who i am and the beliefs i have tried to live by,set myself as an example.

my wife

ok,whats upppppppp?La Velas kinda sucked last night,dj from107.9 evidently thought it was retro only last night.bass was good he overdid it on the fog,but with a crowded floor in the main room,hardly anyone was really dancing,cause he was too much into adding his effects and  it kept throwing people off.rhythm of the music was helter skelter and the one time he played a  song that the crowd roared too,he switched it out only a third of the way in.guess there is no accounting for somethings.danced to one,maybe two songs and that felt good,other then that generally hung out in rock arena to start and then more or less chilled and watched,in the main room.there is definitely plenty of entertainment,nothing like watching a group of people enjoying themselves,watching all the groups within.there was  a group of girls celebrating a birthday,you could tell as she had a white banner draped over her shoulder,with blinking lights and birthday girl,printed on it.they were just out for a good time,kept the guys in control,and were just bee bopping and making faces all night.i got a kick out of the birthday girl as she loved getting behind the guys looking out on the dance floor,and then dancing behind them with out their knowledge.was funny as hell,here she is dancing all over them,without touching,thrusting her arms on these guys sides,and they don't even know whats going on,be aware of your surroundings guys.then there was this girl and guy who definitely had too much too drink,she was cutting loose and evidently they had just met or like first date,he was bewildered,completely at a lost about how to respond,she kept slithering all over him,like a snake on a limb,he stood there trying to figure out how to react,duhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.guess you had to be there,so she ends up dancing by herself,a couple of feet from him,and he gets upset.she was pretty good about it,gave him some loving and they had a few more drinks, while she enticed him back into a good mood,alls well that ends well.than their was a couple from the far east,the woman was wearing one of those scarves and looked a little uncomfortable at first,but the two of them did not let anyone prevent them from enjoying themselves and soon they were mixing it up with everyone else,good time there.my wife dose not think i think of her when i am out,but that's not true,for instance,there was this girl, definitely of Lebanese descent,at least to me,beautiful Lebanese features,sultry looking eyes,that beautiful dark hair,and that sexy mischievous smile,{yup, that's my wife, whether she realizes it or not},at any rate reminded me of my lady,so far away,i watched her occasionally,remembering the fun my wife and i  used to have dancing.well to make a long story short,even though it was only a little after one,i decide to come home,no wife there,but,at least i was surrounded by her,in the little things that make up those memories we hold dear.scotty was home and we discussed each others night and i ended up watching a movie till i fell asleep.off to work now,short night,only one store,but a couple of hours away,so will catch you later,that eternal romantic,me

family

i have been thinking on my last post and a thought keeps occurring to me,i wanted to share.we have a small house that consists of 3 bedrooms,living room,bathroom and a kitchen.currently my wife is staying in boston to help with her father who is not well,while me and scotty are at home,as billy,friend of scottys just moved out getting his place.each of the bedrooms has their own tv and computer,while the big tv and my computer are in the living room.here is where i,personally get frustrated,not crazy frustrated just like a what the hell is happening frustrated,i know kinda strange but let me explain.i generally am old school,in my mannerisms and family beliefs,such as interaction between members and such,i like to talk,not necessarily ramble,show an interest in the others lives and you know kinda mix it up socially with others in the house. that's one of the reasons i like being in the living room,due to the layout of the house,i am centered and can observe whats going on.i bought this big tv for the wife and also so we could all get together and watch it,never happened.what occurred was as some would say,same ole,same ole,everyone stayed in their own space,coming out only for food and to use the bathroom.now its a small house maybe 1000 sq.ft.,if you push it,so if my wife wanted something from me or one of the boys,she would either yell for us to come to her room,and vice versa.this,i cant help but find this weird and unsettling,here are four people living in the same house and everyone's in their own little world.isolated in the rooms,not even knowing who is home unless i said something.as i stated earlier,i generally stay in the living room,doing whatever,as my wife don't like being bothered while playing catch up on her shows.now i know that we are fortunate that we have the tvs and the computers,but i swear i think we would be better off without the duplication.i would rather bicker over what to watch,and who uses the computer,then deal with the self enforced isolation. instead of a home,it sometimes feels like you are living in a dorm with some friends.everyone apparantly content in their world,with just enough conversation to get their needs fulfilled.to me this is hardly what i envisioned,it is what it is though.now donna has 3 girls that live within 15 miles of us and in todays world all communication,is done through facebook,at least with this house.as their mother is in boston they do ,i gotta laugh here,hahaha, Skype, occasionally,which i will concede is better then a phone call,but not very often.for me this does not make for family unity,which may be what they want,they all are older and living their own lives,but damn it is strange to me.when the girls were younger,and the grandkids also,we used to watch them a lot,and at least they would come  around occasionally.now most of them are in daycare or school,so haven't seen or heard from them since christmas.scotty and i,well every time i see him,i usually try to induce some sort of conversation,and i feel as we are getting in the habit of sharing more about whats going on.it dont take a lot,and it is getting better,i think.i do work nights and i realize that has some to do with things but actually,most are sleeping while i am at work,and waking up when i am getting home.its kinda humorous,my wife and i sometimes talk more now,we make an effort to call each other at least once a day,sometimes twice.the rest,i am simply at a lost, don't understand it,but at the same time, don't want to encroach on the girls lives so don't call.family,what defines it today,are we getting to far from one another,or am i simply different,i have no idea,just not what i expected.my wife,i have to give her credit,pushed me into talking with my mother more often,we had had some issues,but after living in this atmosphere,i actually felt wrong for not being more communicative with her.i call her a couple of times a week,generally with nothing to say,but feel better knowing she knows i was thinking of her.i guess that's it,i just wanted to share my thoughts and put it out there,life goes on and i love being alive,until next time,and yes i am going to la velas tonight,its free,and free is for me,hehehe,talk to you later,sharing the love,me.  

i cant stop,hahaha

i believe i am addicted,hahahaha.seems  i cant stop coming here,even when,or actually,especially when,i have no real idea of what i am going to write about.oh,oh,gotta turn the stereo on,yup,i know its hard to believe but the tv is actually on.i dont even know why i turned it on but kinda got caught up watching ncis and then finished reading the last book in the larsson triology about the girl with the dragon tattoo.so lets see whats going on here,went and did a floor at no charge just buffed it out,simply because it felt good,in addition,no denial want it to look good as i am going to work on getting some work down the street.i really enjoyed not only the work but the companionship of the people working and talking with a few of the customers.it was usually just a hello or something of that nature but,it being friday,most were in a good mood,some regulars came in also,so it was pretty good.talking about work,ran into a situation last night,that has me kinda stymied.i had a great time so no problem there,however in conversation with store clerk learned customer had misinformed me in regard to the reason previously scheduled work was canceled.while i was doing the job,for which i do need the money,i debated about the situation.not having many contracts,when they are scheduled,the money is usually already in play,at least in my mind.this being before christmas,i had spent the money,many times over,hahaha,at any rate he cancelled the work till future date.now my price had already been set,according to time in between jobs,when he informed me we could not do ,due to an employee situation,i kept everything the same as i did not feel it was his fault.then i discovered that had not been the case,after i started work.i did not allow that to keep me from doing a good job,actually i did a better job,not only because i was enjoying myself,i also was debating if i wanted to continue working with someone of that ilk,under these circumstances,my belief is let them know what they lost,or at risk to lose.the money for the work i have not bothered with,as i am still in self debate,and personally,am of the thought i don't care.i know,seems slightly crazy huh,well the truth is i would have just stayed home anyway,i actually enjoyed myself,and its kinda of a moral thing.i am probably,gonna need the money,but if i see him,to get it,i know i will confront him,and if he b/s me i don't know how i would react.but oh well it will work itself out eventually,hahaha,life in a floor mans world heheheh,too many chemicals heheeee.good tunes coming out now,dance music for sure,we fell in love in a hopeless place,has nice bass,good dance beat.so whats next,came home,amn i love coming home,there is nothing like coming home to your own space.dose not matter if there's dishes in the sink,or if its not immaculate,its yours,a sanctuary from all bad things,the tent you built with sheets when you were a child,that castle in the books when you were reading king arthurs tales,the cocoon of your mothers arms,its embrace,like a lovers caress,sanity,calm,that place you are most likely to be uninhibited,free and secure in its womb.yup,i am a homebody,now i always come home and then think of other places,like dancing,going shopping,errands to run,then i just enjoy being here so much i kinda end up doing nothing,ok,maybe i procrastinate,but it feeels so good,enveloped in this familiar shell,all my toys near at hand,computer,tv ,radio,books,and not having to go out of myself,brrrrrrrrrr,comfort.so,where were we?arriving in my palace,hahaha,i ended up checking my facebook,real proud that michelle,step daughter,got accepted by a school she was trying so hard for,have you noticed how the social structure is changing so drastically?seems,hell,its true,we have or are losing the desire or ability to carry on conversations about our lives,especially with those closest to us.it saddens me to seee such a dependency on interaction with facebook,twitter,or other forms of so called  mechanical form.its as if the world has forgotten the physical interaction which keeps us healthy,only engaging when necessary,secluding us unwittingly,similar to myself right here.i love this,attempt at sharing my thoughts,pretending to be a writer,hahaha,but i miss long conversations,the verbal banter amongst a group of friends,or the feeling of contentment when people gather together for the joy of being together.today a family can be living in the same house,not seeing one another except for trips to kitchen or bathroom.everything is wrapped up in the modern experience of tv,and computer,sad,what happened to us?i have had a computer for more then half my life,tv all my life,never have i understood this tendacy of todays world,to make them more important then the humans who created these things.older,saddened,actually who dosent miss the human touch,glad i am old enough to know what i am missing,the dissolution of the interplay of humanity's soul,the loss of a mothers first holding of her child,lovers who whisper into each others ears,laughter of family at a shared remembrance.the young one leaving home,for the first time,the pain of those who raised them,the knowledge they know of journeys the young one has begun,the pains of growing apart from,is this what mankind is experiencing or have we begun to become callused,insulated by our artificial world,for you i have no answer,i know that without the mingling of others,i am less then,so DO YOU FEEL THE LOVE,later,me

glorious

glorious,thats how my day is ending,sweetness,wish you were here,thinking of good things in life.work was awesome,did it up,went by store on 390 was going to do for free,just buff,felt so goood,but no one there.i never know what the hell i am going to write about,when i start,for instance saw on facebook,kate perry got 5 awards for peoples choice,loved her song about aliens really turned me on to her music.kinda strange i am said i to no one in particular.but damn i love being me,which can be a bitchhhhhhhh,sometimes.oh well i believe we all have those moments,you know where we doubt our own sanity or wonder why we are so different from everyone else.i have been reading the trilogy by steig larssson,which is entwined around a girl,woman,who epitomize,to me,one of the few characters that i can relate with.i dont have her gifts,but,the being different from others,the sense of morals,close but not the same as the rest of the world,actions not always understood by others but rightous to mine own sense,and an unwillingness to be dependant on others,due to tragic times in the past,all those bring forth an overwhelming compassion,for the character,so similar,yet different from myself.andddddddddd off on another tangent,its getting cold out again,here i was worrying that maybe we had screwed up the weather,mankind that is and just to put me in my place mother nature shows me she is still in control,brrrrrrrrrrrr.ok,maybe not that cold,no teeth chattering,two shirt,or frost glazing on the windshield,but i get cold easy so there,hahhaha.enough on that subject,where to now,hmmmmmmmmm,actually thinking of cooking some eggs,and oatmeal,cause that will warm me up,plus i cant wait to finish the last book in the set.that kinda sucks,the awareness that you are at the end of a good thing,it makes you kinda wish the journey was not ending,but you cant wait to see the end.so for now thats it,but this was a good time so hope it enlivens your day and i will talk AT you later,hahaha.

going to work

music is playing,singing through my veins,as speakers alternate in permeating,me with the vigorous waves of sound,that echo through me.i write or type with no direction except the fact that i desire to say something,whimsical,profound,or just a meaningless jumble of thought,understood by only me,perhaps,who knows,without a doubt i wish to say something,so we shall see.what,where shall i start?work?it was a good week,no complaints,or rather none i could not control,i strip and wax floors for  a living.i love it,without being egotistical,i truly believe my joy,in this work,could only be comprehended by someone of an artistic bent,for while it is considered by some,a menial job,there is in me an artistic form to this work.to take something from nothing and create a work of art,reflective,mirrored,shining beauty, similar to a blacksmith working with a dull,dirty lump of iron,working it ,melting and creating out of a dancing ,bright flame,a work of his imagination formed by skill and tricks of the individual knowledge he has ascertained through experiences of his own.similarities exist upon the completion,reflections on the masterpieces,inspired by the beauty we find in the finished work,knowledge that we seek to bring an even higher degree of art,questions arising in the pursuit of perfection,how can we improve,knowing there has to be a way to make it seem liquid,in its reflection,wishing to seemingly create a flow of glass,a mirror of reflection which you fear to tread,deep,slippery and wet to the eyes,firm to the hesitant step, disbelief to the mind,trickery to the senses.that is fulfillment.that i have achieved,not to my own satisfaction,but to others,unknowingly praising me with cautions of, that's wet,replying i admit with a bit of conceit,no its dry,you can walk there,feeling inside that high,lifting me momentarily,into that zone,this is what its about,my rush of joy,knowledge that i have betrayed their senses,created a work,mine, satisfaction and a desire to retain this inspirational moment.better,better,it pushes,fool their minds,create glass,liquid in appearance.i love it.work is good,the pitfalls i welcome the ability to overcome, confrontation of simulations,are but dances,moments where i am given the opportunity to shine,here i rise,grasp within my mind and overcome with laughter,joy,and knowledge.my forte,my ability to dance in the seemingly worst of situations,my hunger for moments of calamity, adrenalin dormant,bored,reserved, situation hot,no answer in sight,no way out,watch my leap,the joy ,the confrontation i greet with such joy,the clash,feel my rush,heady,foolhardy,and be deceived by the quiet,controlled and soft solution,i expose to cover the eruption,hot,within,exploding in my mind,fearing of my inability to conquer,hiding all as i work the answer with no evidence of my uncertainty.living,here is life,not for me the droll,day to day existence of being alive,highs,lows,i have known them all.to enjoy living,this my desire,not to sleep, subconsciously getting by,aware of the fragile,unknown hold time will allow me.the music is playing me,wrapping,coloring the words i set forth,itsdance,a frenzy,painting my thoughts,birthing them here.work calls,i go,stalling in my hunger to share,reveal,share,thoughts,for which i want to rewrite a vocabulary to express myself.ahhhh,but then who would translate,i seek descriptions of thought inside,revelations i wish to share with the sadness of knowing words,here they fail,my thoughts rampant in search of description,later yall,i guess i will have to study the dictionary,to describe all i wish to say.

la velas

i feel gooddddddddddd!!!!!!!cleaned up around the house,watched a couple of movies,and went to la velas.oh yeah,finally got tired of wimping out,it was free,tonight so did not have any excuses.plus it helped that i put the radio on to the clubs live broadcast.YES<they asked me for my id,made me feel simply wonderful,even though i think they did it for everyone,i will take what i can get,hahaha.plus,i had talked to wife earlier and her being in a good mood,made my day better.sooooooooooo,i go in head to the rock and roll part and just relaxed,band was ok,and there were a few older people,as spinakers is closed till next month,so like,where else to go right.stood by a table and did,sorry to embarrass you,my shuffling around the table while listening to the music.after the first set checked out the main room,which was pumping with sound and fairly good crowd,on the dance floor.there was this one girl,kinda plain and rather big,having a great time just dancing by herself,and she was doing a good job of it too.so after watching her and the room,i went to have a smoke out side.dont you know it,some people i had known from stetsons and such,came up and said hi,told me they were glad to see me still out and about.we talked for a little bit about work and such then i went back in.i went over to the area by the dj and just enjoyed the show for about half an hour or so,slowly the music was penetrating my mind and my shoes,hahaha.i am listening to the same radio station now,kinda wish i had stayed,but it was late enough for me.so i DANCED,and it was awesome,i did not get on the floor,i worry that some girl might try to dance with me,and then i must confess,i just feel stupid.STOP LAUGHING,its true.so anyway what a blast.i did recieve some attention from others,but it was all complimentary,so no problem,and yes i did enjoy that,so there.so it was pretty good,cost me about 6 dollars for 3or 4 hours of entertainment,ran into people i had not seen in awhile,and finally got out of myself.one think i did notice about myself was i did enjoy just being there,i was more relaxed,and did not feel as if i had to put on a show,i did not dance a lot,but it was nice feeling the freedom to just cut loose and enjoy.the fact that people were pretty nice did not hurt either,so thats about it,except i forgot to go to wal mart to buy that other book,but there's always tomorrow.feels good having nothing but positive energy,so will catch you on rebound,later and do you feel the love,me.

why?

ah,life the different events that compose it,forming the base for the rest.was not having that great a day the other day,and its wonderful how a little thing can turn your whole day around.i had left my wife a note on facebook,sentimental me,and happened,well noticed,she had replied to someone elses statement without saying anything to me.i guess i am the sensitive sort,hehehe,so all day i am slowly running negative thoughts in my head.i talk to her later and poor baby is so tired,i feel terrible for her.does this mean i am bi polar?hahaha.at any rate when i talked to her later,she made me feel really good,she was all up in spirits,and had just had a rough day.the bad thing is i know i think too much sometimes or have a tendency to put pieces together where there is no puzzle.a couple of days previous someone blocked me from their page,what you gonna do,then the wife stated she wished she could delete me from her facebook,out of exasperation with me.after she did not respond to my message of love to her,i got upset.of course i kept all this to myself,so all day i am thinking negative thoughts,i wanted to close my facebook,have nothing to do with lots of people that are in my life,but not a part of my life,its like i just had reached a point where i am fed up with people period.here i have all these family members and a couple of friends but no interaction,its all by computer,if any.unless there is a need.i am not blaming anyone its like that in a lot of peoples lives i think.i have more interaction with people at stores i shop at then within my own family,and that's sad to me.the people at the convenient store down the street probably have a better idea of my life then the people in my life.there is  failure to communicate,if its not on facebook its not important,so when my wife talked to me the other day she changed my whole day around.i did not stop thinking and it was not like all was peaches,but just the interaction,that talking to someone who cared,made the rest of my day so much better.we had one of the boys move out a week or so ago,scotty might be leaving soon,and then the house will be empty with the exception of myself.after the way i was feeling the other day,i have a lot of thoughts running through my head,how am i going to fill this time of emptiness,i love conversation and interaction,i also realize no one is as responsible for my happiness as much as i am,duhhhhhh.hopefully business will get better and i will have more time at work,i also am sure i will have time to get some things done around the house,that still leaves lots of time,and that quite honestly intimidates me.one reason i am realistic enough to know that loneliness can bring out the worst in me.the belief that i am not that important in other lives,my inability to discuss my feelings and that age old feeling that i have to act like a man and not complain,that is the shit that causes problems and the knowledge that i bind myself to these things makes it even worse.being intelligent,having some common sense,you would think i was capable of fixing this myself,alas it is not so.i ponder everything and keep running into walls,while at the same time,stupidly i admit i refuse to reach out to anyone.its like i think about it,even to the point of getting into van to visit,but i also get mad or rather upset,feeling that it isn't fair,if needed,people can get a hold of me,why cant they just show an interest in me.i turn around and lo,and behold,i am back where i started.i know this world is not going to change for me,and that's ok.i will figure something out,somewhere there is an answer,its just i am sad that even though solutions are here,it is not my style to inflict myself on others,i know that i am a person of note and enjoyable to be in the company of.not necessarily always easy to deal with,but with lots of good qualities.and some bad too,hehehe.i have all my life heard people saying,if only i had known or what could have caused another to do something,my point exactly.no communication,no one talks,or in the struggle of living life,others forget that you are there,so to me that is the reason for a lot of things especially the misery in their life.so to my wife i say thanks cause you made my day,and to the others,i refuse to let you use those excuses be cause the truth is if you had gone out of your way a little,shown another they were a part of your life,you would not  have to be asking the question anyway.

music and me

music,hypnotic,startling, mystical,an assault on our senses, changing who we were,into what we are,so powerful that even those who cant hear respond to its vibration,the voice common to all mankind.no prejudice,affecting all in its singular voice,a transformer of mankind with no power but its own,a communication understood by all.it transcends the need for interpretation,its raw form affecting all,playing with us even against our own will,its force making us smile on days of despair,making our feet dance in our shoes,while we hope no one notices,moving us to tears when reminding us of pain,we thought forgotten,unbidden,we who control our worlds,all submit to its mastery over our self,enslaved to the force it unleashes on our heart.you gotta love it,one of my most powerful visions,is being in boston for the fourth of july.the music of the boston pops,the synchronization with the fireworks is such an awesome spectacle of beauty,its as if man is saying,look at me now god,the sensory overload from such beauty,evokes tears of rapture,as man displays his presence to those above,an inspiring testament of his ability to communicate,in other forms beside speech.my radio,the true transformer,enticing me,hypnotizing my thoughts,sweeping me through an emotional journey,captured by voices,the music,lyrics that wrap themselves into becoming a part of me,weak in their embrace i surrender,captivated by stirrings felt within,answering back in force,lifting my quivering feet,breaking forth,as i attempt to share my joy smiling at the tumultuous feeling it creates,a dance of celebration,raw,primitive,an echo of the whirlwind,the music whipping me into being more than.here i,the shy one,will talk to you,share the wonder of being alive,here the unseductive will seduce you,look at me,celebrate,look at my eyes,let me share the beauty,feel the intensity music hath unleashed within me,join in my celebration,feel with me the magic of the moment,apart,still clothed,feel,the joining of us,sharing an intimacy,closer then making love,bound together through the senses invoked by the music,its sound wrapping us together,our eyes speaking of the magic of this moment,communicating the unsaid,melting our armor,here we say,we are.this,this is me,in all my weaknesses,my strengths,come ascend this joyous pinnacle of declaration,feel me ,touch me ,become one with me,a fusion,a trilogy,from mans primal beginning,the music,you,me.a completion,of,the symphony of life.

the day after

well,here i am warming up some milk wondering where my thoughts will take me.had a bad night last night more on that later,but good day today,just cant sleep so i am here again.unfortunately,for me,when i am having a bad day emotionally,i hesitate to write as i don't want to sound like a person looking for sympathy.i also think it scares that part of me that is trying to share,even if it is with people i don't know. there's a song playing, don't know the name of it,but one of the main lyrics state,its five in the morning,i think it is simply awesome,it plays almost every time something is going on,or maybe the radio just plays the hell out of it,cant get enough of it.the words and the two singing it seem to read my mind,at least the dreamer in me.so anyway i got blocked from someones facebook,it tore me up,i was hurting ,like a part of my soul had been ripped from me.messed me all up and was trying not to let anyone know,life dissolving in front of me,my existence in doubt,and you know what,they had that right and i will have to accept it.i guess the truth is they have not wanted to be a part of my life and i against all that i knew,did not want to acknowledge the reality of it.there are only a few things i haven't done in my life that i regret,and the knowledge that i will no longer have an opportunity to say something now,just illustrates the fact that i do know fear,fear of being honest,of living life.what can i say when i look at this page maybe years from now,will i be bitter at my own weakness,will i have the courage to heal myself by the admission it was really for the best of all concerned or will i look at my last statement,feeling,it was just an excuse.too late now the door has closed the end has drawn and my life.same ole,same ole,i want to cry now,i wont ,tears swelling in my eyes trying to force there way past the quick blinking of my eyelashes,i am old,my tooth is missing,i once a vampire,are in reality,the soft, disintegrating husk,without passion,watching my journey, as my shell reveals it is withering away.light will break forth through my cracks,revealing the wonder of omniscient spirit,bright with love,dancing with laughter,young in my journey,even as this dwelling of spirit submits to its own frailties.it is simply that a container,wondrous in it abilities to to lend a physical being to the light.that light which is me,the true part that man will never duplicate,no matter how skilled his ability to duplicate,it is all my memories,my things i cant share,cant remember,the moment of my birth,the knowledge of my death to be,the pain in not having your love,my death,this and what is yet to come,to shape me.that which never ages,here emotion races as bright as the day of my birth,is it possible that the spirit of who i am,that shining core,burns my shell by the strength of its brightness,uncompromising in its beliefs,the force that states it is possible,pushing at my shell in order to free itself.i don't know.i find there is a lot that i don't know or understand,the more i experience of life.funny for some think i have lost confidence in self,which could not be further from the truth,it is simply knowing that i do not control.those who do may continue,for me to control is to contain,to lose the beauty,the spirit,to deny the savage freedom of what is.better to enjoy the mystery,the magic of life,then create an orchestra controlled,irregardless of its music,it is not the beauty of freedom,that which is uninhibited,reaching to heights unimaginable,taking you to sensory overload,filling you beyond your capacity to hold or enfold,here is where i would rather dwell.scared,hell yes sometimes,seeing things others would not,my own magical,mystery tour,this is a journey which i would love to have shared,but it is composed of splinters,blunt,narrow,lengths of various size,bits and pieces,each unique,fusing into one,me.my life,too spread out in all its journeys,weaving its tendrils among others,always seeking the companionship for the journey,a many armed creature,sweeping its love throughout others lives,racing onward in its never ending search,speeding past what could have been,faltering,slowly coming to a realization.speeding up knowing all is not lost,life will go on,is that what happened,i wonder.how much have i missed in this life i think is so full,i know not,i can only hope that this,pain,will give me the strength to be true to myself in the end.love,it is what it is,and its beauty and pain are one.   

the only explanation i will give

i make no excuses,will not subjugate,for here i fly with wings unteathered,open to catch the winds of my thoughts,adrift on gentle,whimsical,and frivolous breezes. caught and thrown,up,down,in a storm of tumultuous,awe,inspiring and exciting,dangerous,truthful thought.i,that simple definitive of me,in my selfishness,so do i transcribe these thoughts.sharing myself,no boundaries,with the exception of mine own fears.an awakening,an acknowledgement,that YES,it is ok to be me.every line i compose,my thoughts i expose,a revealing of who i am,do you not think i don't fear your judgement,disagreements.i sweat in perspiration as i write,fear of,i don't know,i will not let it hinder me,here i prove to me a love of self,an admittance of my humanity and imperfections,i confess my fears,my strength and belief in myself here i will grow.invincible,no,i would not even wish that,for to feel no pain,is to deny my own self,the ability to overcome,that search which makes me even more human.love me,like me,the acceptance of who i am,this is the road less traveled,even by me.perceptions,thoughts,truly i search for my core,fear of self,what will i discover,do i truly have the strength to be me.will i cover those things i discover,i don't like,or have the strength to face them,change them,into the person i want to be.scared,yes,for who knows what i shall uncover,doubt as to the strength of myself to overcome,i ask for nothing,for this is my battle,and the ammunition,my love for self,i trust will give me,my weapons in this civil war.i laugh with joy in the knowledge of me,my beauty and my ugly,for i know,in my heart,that my desire is only to enrichen,not only my world but all,with that magical mystery,we define as love.i confess to having the fiery,dark thoughts of evil,yes even their contemplation of thought,my strength is the white,incandescent,yet rainbow of colors,in all its glory,love.for you,for all,and yes for me.my morality guided by it,not always sure,sometimes doubting,in wanting to be selfish,for love of self,know world of mine,i love you,and my desire is to share my love with you.to deny myself and mine own love for me,would weaken my ability to give to you,so take it not as a denial of you,but here,here,i will fly,here i exist in my own peril,for with none to hold me,i will soar into a beauty of my own making or plummet out of fear,allowing none to inhibit my search for myself,its truths,and revelations,i will wipe mine own tears,watching them water the fertile ground,planting seeds of fruition,and hoping for the reaping of an even better human then when i began.here i take responsibility for self,and here i say,may my love,be your sun,as it shines over my garden.

vampire

so i stayed home on new years.i went and got tickets for la vela as,spinnakers was fifty bucks,only to discover that they simply reduced rate to twenty dollars from thirty.in addition shirt needed to be ironed,no iron,kept falling asleep on couch and .whoa,stop, aren't those some good excuses,i keep thinking of reasons i did not go,but honestly i don't know if these are the reasons i didn't,or crazy as it may sound,fear of my hunger for companionship.like a vampire,hungry,but wanting to feed off the emotions of others,in my inability to display my own.i imagined a succubus,whose desire could not match my hunger,startled by its depth.i possess her,with the power of my emotion,her surrender,slow,unwilling,overcoming her physical quest.confused,bewildered,subjective to an emotional flow from which retreat is no option,surrender to a force more powerful for the lack of the physical,look at me,feel how the essence of you,feeds me.look,see the mystery in my eyes,the warmth of my emotions enfolding you,emotional domination,subduing your physical hunger.know that without you there is nothing but the hunger,feel my need for you,the completeness of a circle,i surrender to you,devour me.             whoa,so this is what happens when i let go on new years, don't tell anyone.i like it,it reveals thoughts i keep hidden but,should feel no shame in.the desire for affection,a basic need for most of us,though not all,drives me in many of the actions in my life.worldly knowledge i dont pretend to have,but knowledge of self,yes.the fact i am capable of change,yes.the force that drives these changes,ah now therein lies the mystery,what makes me what i am,i have only a basic and probably biased idea.i do believe that love is master of my life,for without,life is simply existence,with it existence is heavenly.