Today was gooood. Worked my ass off, what little ass I have, hehehe, I did not make a lot of money but it was definitely better then doing nothing. I did the floor at Emerald Coast Bingo,the deli, and then about 9 did the Little Caesars Pizza in Callaway. Got done about 3 this morning and now, here I am. The money will go toward some bills that are due, or past due, hehehe. Life, you know what as confused and human as I am , this morning I am loving it.
The title for this post, comes from a remark the wife made in relationship to me, from my being a romantic, my love for the joy i experience from watching a good romance movie, and the silly way I act about that magical emotion that makes life worth living. It is the syrup that sweetens life, topping all problems ,and misfortunes ,with that one recipe that makes all bearable. In my life all hings have been surmountable, as long as even a glimpse of love was in my life.
I know that this does not hold true for all, but here I am only trying to deal with me. I have had an interesting life and been fortunate in that love has been in my life, in one form or another. I have experienced the beauty of having my love returned,that magical road, where problems, no matter the magnitude,were kept in the perspective they belonged. Less then, the the wonder of two in love. How can you, once its beauty has enriched you, not desire to fill your self with its sweet taste.
I fell in love with my first wife, in less then an hour, while out with another woman, hehe, and though we divorced later, i still love her, the magic of that time retaining its sweetness, even though we have both gone in separate ways. It has always perplexed me, the way people forget the wonder of that time, when two become one, or in the case of a love that was never returned or unspoken of, how that ethereal feeling becomes tainted with bitterness, or tossed aside. Maybe I am fortunate, for with myself, that beauty remains. To have felt that wonder, to have your emotions in that highest key, your senses inflamed, secretly, that reaction to their look,the wondrous influx of confusion brought about by the accidental closeness of her to me, Questions of does she know, what is she saying , oh my god, so close,the flush of fever, burning within,the knowledge, unspoken, of promises, the pain, so acute, unbidden, unknowingly exploding throughout my being as reality sets in, watching her slide away like a breath of wind, towards another.
Love, I have no control, it on a whim of its own, sets its path with disregard for my own feelings, Directing my life as if it were orchestrated by a wise jester. One familiar with me, my fears, strengths and all that makes me who I am. The power of love enticing in its desire, to say the hell with boundaries, compelling me to scream of its power in me. I wish i could write a song, create a poem, cry to transfer this magic, ease it into your life in a way that its beauty would capture your attention. How often, sadly, it is kept within, for I cant make myself not love, deny the ecstasy of loving. To not read a book, to cover a painting, or to not hear a song, does not take away their wonder, it still remains, love hidden, smolders, catching fire at the seemingly least provocation, only to return to that smoldering ember, when soaked by reality.
Lifes jester loves it when I think all is under control, that I have the power to deny what the most precious thing in my world is, love. Even if it is only in my heart, my being, even when I have tried to box it, and slide it away. Fool, thats how i think of myself, all the reasons for not, all lifes lessons, wiped out ,and the jesters laughter is in my ears. A song on the radio, a sneak attack, why cant I put it away? Because its beauty, is a part of my life, its pain my cross, and without love is life really worth living? love ya Marino
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Sunday, September 22, 2013
the turning point,maybe.
It is Sunday, about 7:30 and i have finally managed to sit my ass down and get this done,hehehe.As usual too much time has passed and have to play catch up.Lets begin with last night, which wa pretty good, I went dancing at Spinnakers, and took a friend of the wifes daughter, Ashley. Not yet 21 but a mother of 3 children, evidently she needed a break.It was he first time i had had anyone accompany me to the club, so it did feel a little diffferent.Especially going in the door, hehehe, it actually was not too bad, not too hard on the eyes, but a tthe same time I told her to just go off by herself and we would do our own thing.I actually thought she would take right off after we got in but you know how it is in a new club, so she stayed beside me for most of the night, which was alright. About 2 am she finally started to feel more comfortable, and wouldn't you know, I was ready to go, as I had told some friends I would be back in game. I hung around for awhile, so she could get a ride back and then went home. I had a really good time dancing with her, got a chuckle out of people asking if she was my kid, and it was fun talking about the guys who would try to nonchalantly hit on her, with her,hehehe. I had a good enough time, and the band is good so I will be going back tonight,
Work has been going better,I did a job for the Foot clinic on Monday, did the store on Cherry street the same night. I also got a confirmation from Healthsouth about working there , but am still a little off with the hours, it being from 3pm-12pm, which is going to affect my work. I have to keep thinking about the positives, regular money,etc. .I also picked up a job at Emerald Coast Bingo, doing their floor in the deli area, and Little Caesars Pizza called me to confirm we are doing the floors, starting next week. origins floors will get done this week so at least all my work will be caught up before I start, and it can all be scheduled in the future around my work.
Combat Arms has gone a little more smoothly, now that I have a new mouse,thanks to a friend of mine, who bought a new computer and uses a wireless, so he gave me the mouse that went to the new computer. I have been playing a lot of Arms Race, due to the extra xp and gp you get. Kinda foolish if you ask me, soon everyone will be a G.O.A. and then what will they do, too many generals and not enough soldiers,hehehe. I have a hard time believing I am caught up in it myself, hopefully it will just be a stage I am going thru. Devil Dog, a guy who I play the game with a lot leveled up the other day, which was sweet. The social aspect of gaming and what it has become never ceases to amaze me. An invitation to someones ranking party is of special significance, and is truly an honor.
West Coast Killers, I really don't understand what happened there, first they ask me to join, actually have been asking a long time , I finally felt comfortable enough to join , and they fall through. Personally, I am sadly disappointed in them, and have lost some respect for them in what I can only label as sloppy work in recruitment. Last week, Coolbreeze, even asked me if I was still interested, with no follow through after I said yes. Presently I must confess, I do not know if I would still be interested. It would not have been so bad if Greatfuldead, had not emphasized, his feelings on trust, or had not known of the importance a clan means to me.
On to a different subject,the damn sink is backing up, lo, which means old school dish washing by hand, I did manage to , hopefully, get a snake lined up for tomorrow, and with a little luck ,will have it fixed tomorrow.
The week before, I did some work for the county, at the library,which I got paid for on this Friday, which made it possible, for Donna to go to her bingo special play. Tomorrow, I meet with Steve to line up some more work for next week.
Personal, lets get personal, there are times when i wonder why, what am I really about. I feel as though my wife is my friend, and thats as far as she wants it to go. For what ever reason, I have difficulty with feeling alone, know things are not to my satisfaction and yet I just continue on. It may have been a mistake to take that girl to Spinakers last night, nothing occured but she actually enjoyed my company, we had an enjoyable time and she made me feel good about myself. All that without any thing but talk, Woman do approach mr occasionally, including last night, but I always worry about things getting out of hand. So, I usually just walk away, how ever the question remains at what cost, how much , and to what extant will my own happiness be forsaken. I do use my time out to make myself happy but I often wonder if I am shortchanging myself. I am also honest enough to admit that it would be a major upheaval, in my life and maybe I am simply too much of a coward to walk the path best for me. I can not deny that the effect this would have on my wife, does play an important part, but where do we draw the line? I feel as if I keep waiting in vain for her to change back, or something, to recapture the magic of yesteryear, with the reality being it is not going to happen. To dream when there is no dream,wish for what you know will not be, when do i face reality,deal with the facts that are in front of me. I guess if I knew the answer, I would not be writing this now. Well thats enough for now, it is time to get dressed, and trip the light fantastic, for a couple of hours anyway. Until next time love you, marino
Work has been going better,I did a job for the Foot clinic on Monday, did the store on Cherry street the same night. I also got a confirmation from Healthsouth about working there , but am still a little off with the hours, it being from 3pm-12pm, which is going to affect my work. I have to keep thinking about the positives, regular money,etc. .I also picked up a job at Emerald Coast Bingo, doing their floor in the deli area, and Little Caesars Pizza called me to confirm we are doing the floors, starting next week. origins floors will get done this week so at least all my work will be caught up before I start, and it can all be scheduled in the future around my work.
Combat Arms has gone a little more smoothly, now that I have a new mouse,thanks to a friend of mine, who bought a new computer and uses a wireless, so he gave me the mouse that went to the new computer. I have been playing a lot of Arms Race, due to the extra xp and gp you get. Kinda foolish if you ask me, soon everyone will be a G.O.A. and then what will they do, too many generals and not enough soldiers,hehehe. I have a hard time believing I am caught up in it myself, hopefully it will just be a stage I am going thru. Devil Dog, a guy who I play the game with a lot leveled up the other day, which was sweet. The social aspect of gaming and what it has become never ceases to amaze me. An invitation to someones ranking party is of special significance, and is truly an honor.
West Coast Killers, I really don't understand what happened there, first they ask me to join, actually have been asking a long time , I finally felt comfortable enough to join , and they fall through. Personally, I am sadly disappointed in them, and have lost some respect for them in what I can only label as sloppy work in recruitment. Last week, Coolbreeze, even asked me if I was still interested, with no follow through after I said yes. Presently I must confess, I do not know if I would still be interested. It would not have been so bad if Greatfuldead, had not emphasized, his feelings on trust, or had not known of the importance a clan means to me.
On to a different subject,the damn sink is backing up, lo, which means old school dish washing by hand, I did manage to , hopefully, get a snake lined up for tomorrow, and with a little luck ,will have it fixed tomorrow.
The week before, I did some work for the county, at the library,which I got paid for on this Friday, which made it possible, for Donna to go to her bingo special play. Tomorrow, I meet with Steve to line up some more work for next week.
Personal, lets get personal, there are times when i wonder why, what am I really about. I feel as though my wife is my friend, and thats as far as she wants it to go. For what ever reason, I have difficulty with feeling alone, know things are not to my satisfaction and yet I just continue on. It may have been a mistake to take that girl to Spinakers last night, nothing occured but she actually enjoyed my company, we had an enjoyable time and she made me feel good about myself. All that without any thing but talk, Woman do approach mr occasionally, including last night, but I always worry about things getting out of hand. So, I usually just walk away, how ever the question remains at what cost, how much , and to what extant will my own happiness be forsaken. I do use my time out to make myself happy but I often wonder if I am shortchanging myself. I am also honest enough to admit that it would be a major upheaval, in my life and maybe I am simply too much of a coward to walk the path best for me. I can not deny that the effect this would have on my wife, does play an important part, but where do we draw the line? I feel as if I keep waiting in vain for her to change back, or something, to recapture the magic of yesteryear, with the reality being it is not going to happen. To dream when there is no dream,wish for what you know will not be, when do i face reality,deal with the facts that are in front of me. I guess if I knew the answer, I would not be writing this now. Well thats enough for now, it is time to get dressed, and trip the light fantastic, for a couple of hours anyway. Until next time love you, marino
Saturday, September 7, 2013
just a note on things that have been going on
I really should keep a diary, but as sporadic as my blog is,.hehehe, i really dont see that happening .Sometimes even I have to go back and read my last blog, just to see where I left off. So lets start the backwards trip of events so I can attempt to keep it all straight. Today has been, lets see, a nice day, that is a good way of putting, actually a little on the mellow side,especially as i planned to go dancing this weekend, but sometimes I guess it is good to chill at home. I did get some cleaning done, a little bit of laundry,and straightened out the kitchen so that was good. Hate looking at the lawn right now though,grass needs to be cut so bad, and the stupid lawn mower wont start, of course it does not help when i leave it outside with all the rain we have been having. Played me some Combat Arms, and had a good time, started an OMA room and was pleasantly surprised when a player from back in the day came on by the name of payan anthrax, playing under another account, people were flipping because he is just tooo good, and one of the players who usually wins, even left. Funniest damn thing in the world watching all these skilled players trying to figure out why they cant beat him. I also had the pleasure of talking with Deadly Queen, and Bigfuut on raidcall while in game so all good. Poor Bigfuut is having issues with staying in his clan but I told him to discuss it over with his clan leader. I went over to a friends house and borrowed 6 bucks from him to grab some groceries and to thank him for dropping off a mouse for the game, unfortunately the wheel sticks so cant use but nice of him anyway. Bought some bread,crackers and eggs, which is what wife wanted so all good ,hopefully my check will be ready, on Monday.
On Monday I went down to talk with Steve about doing some work on the floors at the library and we where able to set some work up for Thursday and Friday. The work went pretty good, I wanted to finish it all on the same night but since it was not scheduled that way could not do it. It was kinda funny because it would have only been another hour, and instead we spent three and a half hours on Friday night to accomplish the same thing. Oh, well, all good, I damn sure am not complaining about the work which I needed and i have a good time with Bill anyways. I laugh when during our breaks we talked about Big Brother, i could not have envisioned myself ever being that interested in that show, and it was kinda like a couple of old biddies discussing a soap opera like, Days Of Our Lives or General Hospital. The work went pretty good, I damn sure had a good time, love doing my floors, my big side to side decided to break down on me,actually plugged it in and would not do anything, so since it was working the previous night , my guess is its probably something simple like a new plug. I did get a little exasperated, due to the fact Friday, I was supposed to get a check from a company which was already a week late, only to find they still had no invoice,grrrrr. Which had been turned in over a week ago, hopefully check will be there on Monday.
No check meant I could not do a couple of jobs I had planned for this weekend, so I will have to reschedule, asap. Funny how much chaos can erupt from something so singular, bills late, no gas to look for more work, I know it really is not funny, but it is when I think about the fact,the company that owes the money has no idea of the ramifications of their error. It will get better at anyrate, the county job at least assures me of a check next week and I still have some more work to do in the Library so that's reassuring
Thursday, I went down to Healthsouth,to discuss getting a job there. My biggest worry being I dont want to lose the contracts I currently have or no be able to expand my business, while at the same time i dont want to short them , as they are being nice enough to give me a job. It appears that they are willing to work with me, as far as my schedule as long as I give them enough notice, so things are looking up there. I intend to submit my app next week, before I do I am going to try Wal Mart one more time, about getting the contract. Bill and I were talking about how companies pay for shoddy work, simply because it is easier to keep a company rather then putting in new paperwork, and then they wonder why the job is not done right. Hell if a company cant seem to get their act together, you replace them, just like you would an employee. Do not see the problem in that, as eventually there will be someone who will get the job done right.
No dancing tonight but thats ok, there is always next w/e and i am gonna go play some Combat Arms with some friends of mine, dying can be so much fun,hehehe,love at you,Marino.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Labor Day weekend
No title yet,there is no telling where this will lead. Here, I am simply trying to keep the gap between posts from becoming too large. Sooooo, where to start,hmmmm. Ok, lets start with work,ughhhhh, actually only because i feel guilty about my last 2 posts being entirely personal,hehehehe,and i feel as if i should at least give work a passing motion,hehehe.Actually things have not been going to bad, more would be good, and I finally put a post on craigslist,the only response was from the yellow pages, but it is a start. The Old Fashion Floor store,through a recommendation by Stoney Thompson, gave me a chance to make some money and show them what i got. It went pretty well and they paid me pretty well, especially when we had not discussed the price before the job. I also got a firm commitment from the county building to do some work thursday and friday of next week. Bills have had me scared for awhile now and that will be a lot of help, I also did the windows for the Raceway, only 50 bucks, but better that then nothing. Oh and on that note, my propane buffer went down, I am gonna have to throw it in the shop, but it is too important for my work not to. I also did the store next to the house and traded some extra work for a carton of smokes, which helps.At any rate things are improving if not fasst enough for me, better then last month, and with a little work things could get better. My biggest problem, quite simply is i really dont know how to bid on jobs, like cleaning restaurants,office buildings and such. I am sure if i could learn , it would help me in my endeavor to stay in business. My biggest fear being I bid too low, knowing I need the work. On a positive note, I should be making enough to spend more money on gas in order to get more work. It is humorous,you can have enough to pay the bills and be at a standstill, due to the fact you cant go out to find more work, due to insufficient funds for gas,hehehee. Express Lane got another floor company, it did not kill me emotionally so I guess I am getting better.
Labor Day weekend, playing Combat Arms, which has been a lot of fun,even though my k.d.r. is going to hell,hehehe. Funny I am doing better in Death room elimination then I am in One Man Army. the skill is just not there or maybe it will just take more time, or a new computer, which will be awhile. I won 25 bucks at bingo yesterday too which helped, making it possible for me to go out dancing tonite. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, the dance.
Friday night, the little ones came by to spend the night and stayed up till 10 or 10;30, mischievous little wonders they are. Delving into everything and turning the norm into wondrous objects. Full of life and questions, sparking laughter,and a sense of anew to things that have been taken for granted. What better way to start a journey, with a light step. On every trip to Spinnakers, I have a moment of doubt,a question, if maybe I am not too old ,acting out in a way not considered proper for someone of my age. Thoughts of being ridiculed,or an indication of not fitting in, or a part of. It really is difficult, I know to others it may not appear so, I try to act soooo like i dont care, reality check. of course i do.
It is not myself that overcomes the awkwardness, that feeling of insecurity, as i stand there, worrying about laughter erupting, or even worse, younger people that purposely, or even accidentally, notice me or my dancing , their looks ,through my eyes, judging me in a way to make me self conscious of every move. I do not state that there is no confidence in my ability to enjoy myself, it is simply that I have become more aware of how cruel,even without intention people can be. Last night I noticed a guy in his late 50 or so dancing inside the club,by himself, on a full dance floor. Off to the side a trio of young men where making fun of him, without his knowledge,not that they were being rude, they were simply being their young selves. Now of course,hehehe, they were not dancing, and I was tempted to tell them to to stop it and get down there themselves, so often people will pick on or at someone simply because they are nervous or afraid to do the same. I felt kinda guilty myself, I have seen this guy for awhile and sometimes,always in my mind never out loud, I critic his dancing, the truth though is at least he is down there with the crowd and I have to respect the fact there is no shame in his game. I have to respect him for that. It is far more difficult to take a chance then to stay safe as I do.
Fear, in my last couple of posts i have mentioned fear, while not really defining it, according to my own thoughts. OK, now we are beginning to rock and roll, heheheh.e, lets do this. Afraid of another persons wrong interpretation, yes, of what might be, could be, about what I think, or feel. Confident, within myself, I am but with the full realization that others vision of what I see may not be colored the same. Some may think iI am showboating, maybe trying to be something I am not, or trying to impress the ladies,hehehe. I dance ,simply because ther is no other choice, I have been given a gift, for which I am eternally grateful, music is what i am. I have no choice,unless its denial, of what or who I am, there is no choice,no option with the exception of becoming deaf. I never asked for this gift, definately would rather listen quietly in the corner, yet, when the music begins ,there really is no option, for it must be celebrated, here I celebrate life, and it is not my will,it is the will of the musics desire for a physical embodiment, which chooses me with all my inadequacies, self doubts and fears to make itself be known. Is this not the funniest thing in the world, little ole me trying to serve as an interpreter for such a magical thing. I will be the first o admit I am getting older, I cant dance and express myself as well as i would like, I wish I had money, to learn how to dance better,learn all these new steps, every night I go out dancing, my thought is to start working out simply so i can be express the dance longer, better, yet I dont. Fear, maybe of being happy,a slow self destruct, perhaps the bowing of spirit to the masses, and their sense of how I should act. I am one who sees and thinks too much about tomorrow. I fear my thoughts, not out of fear, but out of fear of maybe i am right, what is the cost of my dreams, is it right at my wisdom of years to ask one younger, less experienced in the ways of the world to take that chance. At what cost, would my or our dream, consist of. Do i believe ? Yes, but do i believe that i have the right to ask another to pay that price,no. You see the realization of somethings unique beauty and wonder, and the price to be paid for it, is something that can only be determined by the individual, here is where fear, comes into effect. I fear the subconscious effort of convincing another to take that dangerous road, confident in the fact that they are as aware as i am, I would rather be without, then to influence a decision that is life changing. I remember a relationship I had with another. We met through a dance,she was out with her mother, I was actually on my way to work and just came in to dance for a litlle bit. She asked me to dance as she was too good looking for me to have the courage to ask,hehehe, turns out she was married, rich,her and her husband owned some fitness clubs, and definitely out of my league. After a little bit I had to leave for work, the time with her was special, and as I left I gave her my #, telling her the smartest thing she could do was throw it away. For almost 2 months I searched for that woman, quit working ,going dancing every night,finally the guys told me to quit or thy would quit, i asked for one more night,lo and behold she called me. This was something I did not ever expect, but the feeling for her had been real, I just never thought it would be right for me to make that decision for her,and neither did I think I had that much to offer. Nuts, yes it drove me crazy,the journey,and all my friends too,hehehee, but there are no regrets for the beauty of that special time were untainted by the idea I had Influenced her in any way ,you see she had come to her own conclusions and made her own decisions and that was one of the beauties of her gift to me.
Pretty good at least to me, all week I had been thinking about using the word afraid in my previous 2 blogs and writing something to explain what I meant, I am giving myself a pat on the back here,hehehe. It is not easy for a person to be the person they are and because we are unique individuals with our own interpretations of things I just wanted to define it for clarity.
Now hehehehe, back to the weekend, i cant stop laughing the way I jump around. I did go to Spinnakers, the band was good not great,but after following Natalie, it would have to be some sort of let down,no offense intended. Noahs Ark is good ,just not captivating,with that something a little extra, I had a pretty good night though, with two instances of note, the first consisted of some guy coming up to me and congratulating me on the way I interacted with the little ones when I took them to the neighborhood store,he stated that he thought it great to see that someone could have fun and showed they cared so much at the same time. That kinda threw me a little but as long as it was a good thing ,no problem. the other incident at the club was when this guy brought me a coke. I know it sounds strange but his girl and him had met before and we had a good time at the club,with them stating they felt as if life would not be to bad if they could be like me when they got older. Anywayssss, I think that people are worried that when you get older there is no life, at any rate he came over,stating it was nice to see me and they were happy to see me still around. Life the important sweet moments, are not long continuous stretches but special moments that make the mundane times in life bearable. Oh,No a song just came on starting with the words, boy sometimes I just want to dance with you, one of lifes, my lifes little sweet humorous moments. To go on, yes, i danced, it was good, and interesting. I stay in my little area and enjoy, sometimes the crowd enticing me to come down and that does make me feel good, a part of ,even though I am solitary in my space. Saturday night was definitely more of a relaxed time, I swayed more then danced, it got a little crowded in my space but that was ok. I did not feel as if I had to put on a show and it was relaxing, hell I even left earlier then I thought I would. Dance I did,hehehe, it just wa one of those nights, and there was this situation at first also. Hehehehe, sometimes when I dance it attracts female attention, usually momentarily quick, you dance well or I like the way you dance, and its a done deal. Sometimes, it is not so quick, a woman was checking me out from behind me and decided she would stand beside my space, Well, she made me feel a little uncomfortable so I just sat my ass down,and stayed in that position until someone else hit on her. I may have been thinking too much, but where normally I might have danced beside another woman and she may have joined in for a sec., i just felt this woman wanted to do more then dance. To keep things safe, I just did not put myself in that situation, and she stayed the whole damn set, which did have some good songs to dance to. A lesson in self control,hehehe, at any rate yes i will probably go for a little bit tonight,do you feel the love, until next time, oh and by the way, Marino, you really are not that bad a guy, confused, emotional and different but I do love me being who I am.Just in case you need that someday in the future, you can smile now,hehehehe.
Labor Day weekend, playing Combat Arms, which has been a lot of fun,even though my k.d.r. is going to hell,hehehe. Funny I am doing better in Death room elimination then I am in One Man Army. the skill is just not there or maybe it will just take more time, or a new computer, which will be awhile. I won 25 bucks at bingo yesterday too which helped, making it possible for me to go out dancing tonite. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, the dance.
Friday night, the little ones came by to spend the night and stayed up till 10 or 10;30, mischievous little wonders they are. Delving into everything and turning the norm into wondrous objects. Full of life and questions, sparking laughter,and a sense of anew to things that have been taken for granted. What better way to start a journey, with a light step. On every trip to Spinnakers, I have a moment of doubt,a question, if maybe I am not too old ,acting out in a way not considered proper for someone of my age. Thoughts of being ridiculed,or an indication of not fitting in, or a part of. It really is difficult, I know to others it may not appear so, I try to act soooo like i dont care, reality check. of course i do.
It is not myself that overcomes the awkwardness, that feeling of insecurity, as i stand there, worrying about laughter erupting, or even worse, younger people that purposely, or even accidentally, notice me or my dancing , their looks ,through my eyes, judging me in a way to make me self conscious of every move. I do not state that there is no confidence in my ability to enjoy myself, it is simply that I have become more aware of how cruel,even without intention people can be. Last night I noticed a guy in his late 50 or so dancing inside the club,by himself, on a full dance floor. Off to the side a trio of young men where making fun of him, without his knowledge,not that they were being rude, they were simply being their young selves. Now of course,hehehe, they were not dancing, and I was tempted to tell them to to stop it and get down there themselves, so often people will pick on or at someone simply because they are nervous or afraid to do the same. I felt kinda guilty myself, I have seen this guy for awhile and sometimes,always in my mind never out loud, I critic his dancing, the truth though is at least he is down there with the crowd and I have to respect the fact there is no shame in his game. I have to respect him for that. It is far more difficult to take a chance then to stay safe as I do.
Fear, in my last couple of posts i have mentioned fear, while not really defining it, according to my own thoughts. OK, now we are beginning to rock and roll, heheheh.e, lets do this. Afraid of another persons wrong interpretation, yes, of what might be, could be, about what I think, or feel. Confident, within myself, I am but with the full realization that others vision of what I see may not be colored the same. Some may think iI am showboating, maybe trying to be something I am not, or trying to impress the ladies,hehehe. I dance ,simply because ther is no other choice, I have been given a gift, for which I am eternally grateful, music is what i am. I have no choice,unless its denial, of what or who I am, there is no choice,no option with the exception of becoming deaf. I never asked for this gift, definately would rather listen quietly in the corner, yet, when the music begins ,there really is no option, for it must be celebrated, here I celebrate life, and it is not my will,it is the will of the musics desire for a physical embodiment, which chooses me with all my inadequacies, self doubts and fears to make itself be known. Is this not the funniest thing in the world, little ole me trying to serve as an interpreter for such a magical thing. I will be the first o admit I am getting older, I cant dance and express myself as well as i would like, I wish I had money, to learn how to dance better,learn all these new steps, every night I go out dancing, my thought is to start working out simply so i can be express the dance longer, better, yet I dont. Fear, maybe of being happy,a slow self destruct, perhaps the bowing of spirit to the masses, and their sense of how I should act. I am one who sees and thinks too much about tomorrow. I fear my thoughts, not out of fear, but out of fear of maybe i am right, what is the cost of my dreams, is it right at my wisdom of years to ask one younger, less experienced in the ways of the world to take that chance. At what cost, would my or our dream, consist of. Do i believe ? Yes, but do i believe that i have the right to ask another to pay that price,no. You see the realization of somethings unique beauty and wonder, and the price to be paid for it, is something that can only be determined by the individual, here is where fear, comes into effect. I fear the subconscious effort of convincing another to take that dangerous road, confident in the fact that they are as aware as i am, I would rather be without, then to influence a decision that is life changing. I remember a relationship I had with another. We met through a dance,she was out with her mother, I was actually on my way to work and just came in to dance for a litlle bit. She asked me to dance as she was too good looking for me to have the courage to ask,hehehe, turns out she was married, rich,her and her husband owned some fitness clubs, and definitely out of my league. After a little bit I had to leave for work, the time with her was special, and as I left I gave her my #, telling her the smartest thing she could do was throw it away. For almost 2 months I searched for that woman, quit working ,going dancing every night,finally the guys told me to quit or thy would quit, i asked for one more night,lo and behold she called me. This was something I did not ever expect, but the feeling for her had been real, I just never thought it would be right for me to make that decision for her,and neither did I think I had that much to offer. Nuts, yes it drove me crazy,the journey,and all my friends too,hehehee, but there are no regrets for the beauty of that special time were untainted by the idea I had Influenced her in any way ,you see she had come to her own conclusions and made her own decisions and that was one of the beauties of her gift to me.
Pretty good at least to me, all week I had been thinking about using the word afraid in my previous 2 blogs and writing something to explain what I meant, I am giving myself a pat on the back here,hehehe. It is not easy for a person to be the person they are and because we are unique individuals with our own interpretations of things I just wanted to define it for clarity.
Now hehehehe, back to the weekend, i cant stop laughing the way I jump around. I did go to Spinnakers, the band was good not great,but after following Natalie, it would have to be some sort of let down,no offense intended. Noahs Ark is good ,just not captivating,with that something a little extra, I had a pretty good night though, with two instances of note, the first consisted of some guy coming up to me and congratulating me on the way I interacted with the little ones when I took them to the neighborhood store,he stated that he thought it great to see that someone could have fun and showed they cared so much at the same time. That kinda threw me a little but as long as it was a good thing ,no problem. the other incident at the club was when this guy brought me a coke. I know it sounds strange but his girl and him had met before and we had a good time at the club,with them stating they felt as if life would not be to bad if they could be like me when they got older. Anywayssss, I think that people are worried that when you get older there is no life, at any rate he came over,stating it was nice to see me and they were happy to see me still around. Life the important sweet moments, are not long continuous stretches but special moments that make the mundane times in life bearable. Oh,No a song just came on starting with the words, boy sometimes I just want to dance with you, one of lifes, my lifes little sweet humorous moments. To go on, yes, i danced, it was good, and interesting. I stay in my little area and enjoy, sometimes the crowd enticing me to come down and that does make me feel good, a part of ,even though I am solitary in my space. Saturday night was definitely more of a relaxed time, I swayed more then danced, it got a little crowded in my space but that was ok. I did not feel as if I had to put on a show and it was relaxing, hell I even left earlier then I thought I would. Dance I did,hehehe, it just wa one of those nights, and there was this situation at first also. Hehehehe, sometimes when I dance it attracts female attention, usually momentarily quick, you dance well or I like the way you dance, and its a done deal. Sometimes, it is not so quick, a woman was checking me out from behind me and decided she would stand beside my space, Well, she made me feel a little uncomfortable so I just sat my ass down,and stayed in that position until someone else hit on her. I may have been thinking too much, but where normally I might have danced beside another woman and she may have joined in for a sec., i just felt this woman wanted to do more then dance. To keep things safe, I just did not put myself in that situation, and she stayed the whole damn set, which did have some good songs to dance to. A lesson in self control,hehehe, at any rate yes i will probably go for a little bit tonight,do you feel the love, until next time, oh and by the way, Marino, you really are not that bad a guy, confused, emotional and different but I do love me being who I am.Just in case you need that someday in the future, you can smile now,hehehehe.
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