THANKSGIVING AND THE METAMORPHOSIS OF A BUTTERFLY

         Its saturday two days after thanksgiving, a quiet day in comparison to the days before. I played a lot of combat arms,slept late, visited my mother, talked to my carol, my first wife about marino and generally did nothing else. I did some thinking ,hehe, but more on that later or some other time.
         Thanksgiving was nice, frantic as usual, but a really good time. donna was cooking all night the night before,cooking a ham, turkey, and stuffing, all tasty with her special touch, she is a feeler not a measurer so its always a little different, always good.pies of every variety, apple,mixed berry, cherry, i cant even think of all of them.since christine was working, rocky had to do the cooking there, deep frying a turkey, and of course there was green bean casserole,corn , cornbread ,vegetables of all types,yams golden brown, topped with marshmallows,all in all a succulent meal not only for the belly but for your eyes.NOW IF ONLY THEY WOULD START HAVING COFFEE, CRAZY, BUT NO COFFEE.hehehehe. express lane is just around the corner though. we got there early, so donna could help rocky out, about 2 pm, and everyone was there around 4 for dinner. ohyeah, this year we brought my mother with us, usually she does thanksgiving with the church but came with us this year,which was enjoyable.
         i dont know why but lately i have become increasingly concerned with her, like she has always been self dependant and all that, but she seems a little frailer, and unnaturally for me find myself concerned about her, not just her health, but i am more worried about her being lonely. that sucks no matter your age.
         a splendid time it was, i did feel more a part of,not reflecting so much on the past when all would come to our house, donna , does not mind cooking but i feel she is burnt out on the big hurrah of yesteryear, and me well i guess i have accepted the fact my input does not carry the weight it used to. donna bought a table for the children to sit at, it used to be used in grammar school , so it was just the right height for them,with the younger ones loving the chairs and the idea they rated their own table,hehehe. donna sat with the kids and they were all content, with grandma being there, attending to them.the rest of us,the adults sprawled through out the living room and the office foyer outside the kitchen. everyone content, good conversation through out, accompanied by, the social media of i pads, computers, and cell phones, hehehe.how did we ever survive without them in the past,hehehe.
         michele and christene got into a little tiff over who could climb the rope on rockys treehouse, which turned into a contest between all the girls,including linda. it was a spectacle in itself,first they were going to wear shoes then changed their minds, going barefoot which had already been suggested but they nayed, until seeing the children doing it that way,hehehe. then they wanted a stop watch used , in case it was close,and they were insistent on it,hehehe.social media does have its place ,because it was hilarious watching all the girls trying to figure out the best way to shimmy up the rope and their efforts were recorded for all to enjoy in the future....michele, complaining about her not having enough upper body strength, christene vehemently insisting she would win and linda scampering up the knots with her toes as if she did it every day,hehehe. it was a lot of fun and will be a memory of this thanksgiving. oh afterwards, they did time the videos to see who won, but i am sure there will be arguments over this,hehehe.
        the pleasant surprise of the evening for me was lindas interaction , usually she seems a little distant, but on this day she was flitting from one to another, with the social grace i had always envisioned her of, even includinG me, which was shocking to me as i have felt she wanted as much distance as possible between us. i am just a messed up individual, and it was nice relaxing afterwards even though i think too much for my own good .
         well not really relaxing donna wanted to go shopping so we did the wal mart black friday shuffle and also hit big lots, i was tired but it was a good tired,and i have no complaints.so with love to all and the appreciation of those who made my day so good thankyou,love you ,marino

Old, young, why not just accept me for me.

  lordy,lordy,guess there is  a first time for everything,hehe, i am trying to do some work on my blog while watching the three little ones,stormy is 12 so she basically takes care of herself, as long as she has her phone,hehe. Rocky is playing c.o. d., which makes me jealous as i would like to be on comat arms, but for some reason their computer wont run it properly. It comes on but the lag is unbelievable,the youngest one she just roams from person to person entertaining herself ,Madison her sister is content as long as you give her attention on demand, in between watching t.v..
     got here around 9 am and it has been a pretty good time, they are repainting little rockys room, so i took out a door frame to put in wall board to replace the door, then me and the girls covered the dimples and nail holes in the rest of the room, with joint compound. messy but fun, rocky was on the computer,watching mine craft videos, and stormy social networking on her phone. now  i am just waiting for the joint compound to dry and retouch it.
     Stormy, made us sandwiches, edible but hilarious, then me and the 2 younger girls went to my van so i could smoke, and while there the girls decided to clean up the van some which was a good idea,procrastinator that i am , knew it needed doing but kept putting it off. so now at least the dash is clean thanks to them.
     Yes,been dying without coffee, just went to express lane grabbed a cup of coffee, and got the little ones some sour candy.it is getting cold out, i hate the cold weather, but guess i will have to deal with it. it is also not easy to type without my smokes but anything is possible, so coping in best possible fashion possible, thinking of having a smoke, typing listenng to the children, ensuring all is good and staying busy,hehe. so now that i have said all this, going to brave the cold and have a smoke,hehehe,brb.
    reminder, when i get back inside this blog is to deal with issue of young and old, in game and life.
Yikes it is the day after thanksgiving and i am just now getting back,oh well, good thing i saved the draft,hehe.
     Young and old ,I am amazed by the number of times i have shocked people when they are told my age. Whether it is in game, where they swear i sound and act like someone in their twenties, or in real life when they are surprised because they find my energy, and the way i interact with others, indicative of someone of younger years,and it does not hurt that i do have a semi youthful appearance. I have been told by others that they are grateful to have met me, simply because i have shown them that life does not stop at my age and that they will treasure my memory in future years, simply because they now believe there is life when you get older.Funny isnt it, well to me anyway. However it has brought me sadness, when i think of those who judge me just on the appearance, of being a member of the older generation. People, cast you into a generic pool , without even making the attempt to discover who you are. Men, assume you know all the answers, when if you have read my blog, know I am searching for answers myself. More experiences I have had then some but not all and many have suffered more, learning more about lifes more unpleasant side. Women, tend to put you in the, he is too old , not taking the time to discover who I am . Now here I will state that women of foreign origin seem not to be as rigid in this way of thinking, more likely to engage a person in conversation and  not hold prejudice due to a mans age. As a society, we are often surprised by the relationships, of the winter,spring type,however in other countries, they are often looked at little prejudice. The funny thing is I enjoy life as much, maybe more then when i was young, appreciating those things that bring me joy, instead of simply accepting them as my due.  This is really an issue for philosophy, and I quite simply  wanted to say something as it has affected me, in some ways. Dancing, I will admit , sometimes i watch the younger ones kinda poke fun at an older persons method of dancing, instead of respecting the fact it may have been an act of courage to subject themselves to the pettiness of youthful ire. I do know life ,the act of being oneself,when leaving yourself open, to the maybe not even intentional, witticisms and mannerisms of a younger age group, is not always easy. I , myself worry about the effect their attitude will have on me, and yet I  do applaud myself for not allowing them to stop me from being myself. Yes, it takes me awhile to work up the courage, get lost in the moment, but I do love me and have denied myself enough things in life, that I will attempt not to lose myself in the progress, label me as i am, but respect me for refusing to be other then I am , for itys cost has been expensive and  I am still not done paying, but thats alright, I smile and all is good,love ya ,marino.

another catch up, when will i learn,hehehe

           A week after i wrote my last post i fully intended to write another about the lack of sex in my life for the last 3 or 4 years. The admission of such ,especially with me being married and living with my wife, tended to make me feel less then, a man, and as if i was some how a failure.That has not changed but if it affects me that much, i felt, though it has taken awhile, it must be said or the denial would should more of a weakness that would also inhibit me from writing my blog, in order not to confront it.Being honest here is not always easy, nor should it be, or this would all be a lie.Hell of a thing to lie to yourself, even if it is in the future, and easier i guess.Sorry, had to make some coffee, do the dishes and turn on the music, OH YEAH SWEET,now my world is all good. I guess i am easily satisfied,hehehe.Back to the subject, maybe what scares me, is it may be my future,i could not have envisioned in my past, a time when i would have accepted or been able to live without the physical attention of another.Not just the physical but also the emotional aspect of loves intimacy. I am all for sex even or especially with someone you love,but there is also even during a fierce bout of activity a look,a soft kiss that conveys the love within, or just the snuggle up afterwards when all is well with the world. I can not say it is all the wifes fault, she is not happy about her appearance,which i have tried to show her is fine with me. I, even though shy, have had advances, hehehee, which I nullified by various ways. My wife even offered to fool around one night after she had had a few drinks for the first time in awhile, now it was only due to her being buzzed, and maybe I was wrong but I told her I would rather wait till she was not quite so buzzed, at least the first time, at which point she passed out.Hehehehe. With other women i have no idea if it is the fear of my dick being too small,hehehe, getting a disease or worst of all falling for her, mistaking sexual happiness for emotional happiness. The intimacy, the emotion, the love shared that is what i miss, what i hunger for that feeling where i look in those eyes, feel her arms,the weight ,her enfolding me and escape from whatever is wrong.Masterbation , serves its purpose,and even if done with another, hehehe, to me is just that.Maybe thats why i do not think it is wrong for a person to be sexual with  another even if in a relationship, but would go to war over someone trying to hold my girls hand. I guess i am just lonely, and when the world , especially yours is disintegrating, or changing it would be nice to have the comfort of your lover in a physical form.I guess thats it, for now, be glad i hate this typing stuff, hehehe, there is so much more i actually have to say about this. But, I apologize , have to put this in for it is going to be brief, the thought is large though.Would i feel as if i was cheating on someone?  Now this is complicated,in some ways, but also simple,so without saying too much, it goes like this,what if i dont because with anyone else it would be a betrayal of  someone. That has been quite simply the case, ,maybe stupid, maybe for all the wrong reasons,but a fact. Of which this would be incomplete in its whole without the mention of. Now I can move on,hehehe, funny how those things of greatest magnitude are the ones that sneak up and slap us in the face,hehehe.
          Time to take the backwards, ugh I hate this, first I have no mind, second i cant remember shit so it is a little more difficult for me then others.
           West Coast Killers, Greatfulded asked again about me joining the clan and this time we worked all the kinks out, ensuring the right e-mail addresses and such were done. We finished all the essentials yesterday and I received notice I would be a member starting today. Humor, is in the fact, a member of X Conz, a clan formed after my original clan dissolved , yesterday asked if I would join them,hahaha. It was a remember when for me, sad in that as i explained to him, for me there would be to much emotional cause and effect, in addition there could be no replacing my former clan. So here is a new beginning for me, in my gaming community.
         Things are a little tense around the house due to a couple we have allowed to stay with us. Originally, it was supposed to be for a couple of days , they have now overstayed their welcome , and unfortunately i had to put my foot down. They have been staying with us for over a month and had been making no effort to better their situation. Saving no money for a place of their own ,failing to contribute to the bills , eating everything ,and showing no social skills what so ever.The wife had been trying to help them and after observing their behavior, I wanted to say something, but she told me to give them a chance, finally they got to the point where even she got frustrated, and I stepped in , now they will be out tomorrow, we did give them  until he gets paid tomorrow so i dont feel guilty about it. Giving someone a hand up, I have no problem with been there,needed that, but to take advantage, and not improve a bad state, lo piss me off. So that will be an improvement in our state also.
        Work, well it has been up and down,same ole, same ole. Got all the bills paid with the exception of  the car insurance, which will be paid next week,hehehe.My biggest problem being  I cant seem to pick up steady work, but it does come in in bits and pieces. Nerve wracking to say the least,hehe. On a brighter note the wife got a job, she will be starting next Monday, and it even has health benefits, for the both of us. The dental is what i cant wait for,hehe. I dont deny there is a feeling of guilt in me, she never had to work before, and honestly, we could probably get by on what i do obtain for work, the reality is its better for us in the long run, myself included. I had just pulled a machine out of the shop took a couple of months, ran it for a couple hours, wham bam, down it goes right in the middle of a job that i was doing for the first time. Back in the shop it goes, how much this time I have no idea, and on top of that the propane buffer i spent 500.00 fixing died and there is no repairing it .Maybe someone is trying to tell me something and i just wont listen, hehehe.
      Dance, hehehe, how can we not talk about it. First I missed the Halloween party at La Vela, as they did it the week before. I had planned to go, even telling Donna that though it cost 10 for admission i was going to both Spinnakers and  La Vela, as i dont spend much on myself, ensuring that Donna gets to go to bingo everyday. It would have been the first time to dance at La velas this year due to finances and not buying a vip pass there this year, ahhh, woe is me. Spinnakers was simply awesome, the people in costume great and the atmosphere was fun. I had a great night the band was superb, finally a good band, and dont you know my leg gave me problems, but still a wonderful night for my memories.
      My physical shape? I feel fat!!! And i am hating it , my leg has been giving me problems, when i dance, my six pack is almost none existent, my chest almost no definition and arms, well they look skinny. I have no choice but to start working out, not so much for muscle, love of the dance. I find myself getting winded too easy,and where i am usually attuned like a spring feel a little listless now.This worries the hell out of me for there is so much joy and passion in it for me.The only problem is the wife is dead set against it, funny huh, but it is one of the few things that i am going to be adamant about. I hate the idea myself, but for love of the dance i am willing to endure it.
      Dr. Gooding, I was paying a bill at the cable company, a few weeks ago and this lady says hi Marino. I turn to say hello, it must have shown on my face I did not recognize her, as she introduced herself as Theresa, Dr. Goodings wife. She asked why I had not been to see Dr. Gooding, who is currently in a rest home. Being myself, I told her that from her attitude toward me previously, i had been afraid she would have me arrested or something. At ant rate we had a nice conversation, shed some tears over the misunderstanding, yes in the middle of the office, and got everything straightened out.Sometimes life does wonderful things. I had been trying to figure which bill to pay and for some reason decided to pay the cable, fate maybe. Dr, Gooding had hired me to do his floor at home and we had gotten to know each other fairly well, and there had been times when faced with a situation or problem, he would be the one I would go to. A father figure, similar to Ron Brown, Brownie as everyone called him. He was a well respected member of the medical field,especially in his field, which was anesthesiology, not only in the civilian world but also the Marines. He also helped found a school of anesthesiology, which was named after him. Since our reconciliation, I have been to visit him , at least every other week. Which for me, is kinda remarkable, but so is he, unfortunately he suffers from dementia, a disease that attacks your mind, and its ability to remember things. I have learned a lot from this situation, they had planned to retire, travel and enjoy life, and everything flipped on them. He had been one of those who liked to stay in shape, was fiercely independet, and helped those he believed in. Now he is taken care of , their finances are no longer lucrative and his wife, resides in a constant state of anxiety. I have decide to try and do my best to help them, this man who fate put in my life, deserves that. I do not know what I can do but started by visiting Rep. Patronis, to see if i could get some help in setting up a non profit thing or something. At any rate, I may not have any idea on what to do but be damned if I am not going to try. I wonder if this is in someway connected with the death of my father, who i loved unconditionally, but still feel as if I could have shown more, there is no doubt, that he knew and felt my love for him, but maybe I do not feel as if i did not do enough for him. I think of him , my father alot, sometimes feeling closer to him in death, then in real world, talking to him in spirit. I believe that if more people knew of Dr. Goodings finances they would be more then willing to help, it is just that most people assumed they were financially solvent, insurance covered it or the veterans affairs, the reality is it costs thousands of dollars every month, that they are running out of finances, and i want to do something. Even though I am broke I can still attempt to do something, for if not, i would have difficulty in living with myself.
      My son, Mike is doing well for himself, bragging on saving money and the fact that he is doing so legally,hehehe. Proud of that, we dont talk much but we are there for each other when needed, what more can you ask for. Marino should be getting out soon, sometime next year, that will be an interesting time, and i am sure it will be full of ups and downs.With mike moving up north, it looks as if Marino will be staying with me, an interesting situation to be sure. I believe I got most of what has been going on and there is always tomorrow if not, for it is time to be gaming, love always ,Marino.

In Love With Love

           Today was gooood. Worked my ass off, what little ass I have, hehehe, I did not make a lot of money but it was definitely better then doing nothing. I did the floor at Emerald Coast Bingo,the deli, and then about 9 did the Little Caesars Pizza in Callaway. Got done about 3 this morning and now, here I am. The money will go toward some bills that are due, or past due, hehehe. Life, you know what as confused and human as I am , this morning I am loving it.
          The title for this post, comes from a remark the wife made in relationship to me, from my being a romantic, my love for the joy i experience from watching a good romance movie, and the silly way I act about that magical emotion that makes life worth living. It is the syrup that sweetens life, topping all problems ,and misfortunes ,with that one recipe that makes all bearable. In my life all hings have been surmountable, as long as even a glimpse of love was in my life.
           I know that this does not hold true for all, but here I am only trying to deal with me. I have had an interesting life and been fortunate in that love has been in my life, in one form or another. I have experienced the beauty of having my love returned,that magical road, where problems, no matter the magnitude,were kept in the perspective they belonged. Less then, the the wonder of two in love. How can you, once its beauty has enriched you, not desire to fill your self with its sweet taste.
         I fell in love with my first wife, in less then an hour, while out with another woman, hehe, and though we divorced later, i still love her, the magic of that time retaining its sweetness, even though we have both gone in separate ways. It has always perplexed me, the way people forget the wonder of that time, when two become one, or in the case of a love that was never returned or unspoken of, how that ethereal feeling becomes tainted with bitterness, or tossed aside. Maybe I am fortunate, for with myself, that beauty remains.         To have felt that wonder, to have your emotions in that highest key, your senses inflamed, secretly, that reaction to their look,the wondrous influx of confusion brought about by the accidental closeness of her to me, Questions of does she know, what is she saying , oh my god, so close,the flush of fever, burning within,the knowledge, unspoken, of promises, the pain, so acute, unbidden, unknowingly exploding throughout my being as reality sets in, watching her slide away like a breath of wind, towards another.
       Love, I have no control, it on a whim of its own, sets its path with disregard for my own feelings, Directing my life as if it were orchestrated by a wise jester. One familiar with me, my fears, strengths and all that makes me who I am. The power of love enticing in its desire, to say the hell with boundaries, compelling me to scream of its power in me. I wish i could write a song, create a poem, cry to transfer this magic, ease it into your life in a way that its beauty would capture your attention. How often, sadly, it is kept within, for I cant make myself not love, deny the ecstasy of loving. To not read a book, to cover a painting, or to not hear a song, does not take away their wonder, it still remains, love hidden, smolders, catching fire at the seemingly least provocation, only to return to that smoldering ember, when soaked by reality.
        Lifes jester loves it when I think all is under control, that I have the power to deny what the most precious thing in my world is, love. Even if it is only in my heart, my being, even when I have tried to box it, and slide it away. Fool, thats how i think of myself, all the reasons for not, all lifes lessons, wiped out ,and the jesters laughter is in my ears. A song on the radio, a sneak attack, why cant I put it away? Because its beauty, is a part of my life, its pain my cross, and without love is life really worth living? love ya Marino  

the turning point,maybe.

         It is Sunday, about 7:30 and i have finally managed to sit my ass down and get this done,hehehe.As usual too much time has passed and have to play catch up.Lets begin with last night, which wa pretty good, I went dancing at Spinnakers, and took a friend of the wifes daughter, Ashley. Not yet 21 but a mother of 3 children, evidently she needed a break.It was he first time i had had anyone accompany me to the club, so it did feel a little diffferent.Especially going in the door, hehehe, it actually was not too bad, not too hard on the eyes, but a tthe same time I told her to just go off by herself and we would do our own thing.I actually thought she would take right off after we got in but you know how it is in a new club, so she stayed beside me for most of the night, which was alright. About 2 am she finally started to feel more comfortable, and wouldn't you know, I was ready to go, as I had told some friends I would be back in game. I hung around for awhile, so she could get a ride back and then went home. I had a really good time dancing with her, got a chuckle out of people asking if she was my kid, and it was fun talking about the guys who would try to nonchalantly hit on her, with her,hehehe. I had a good enough time, and the band is good so I will be going back tonight,
     Work has been going better,I did a job for the Foot clinic on Monday, did the store on Cherry street the same night. I also got a confirmation from Healthsouth about working there , but am still a little off with the hours, it being from 3pm-12pm, which is going to affect my work. I have to keep thinking about the positives, regular money,etc. .I also picked up a job at Emerald Coast Bingo, doing their floor in the deli area, and Little Caesars Pizza called me to confirm we are doing the floors, starting next week. origins floors will get done this week so at least all my work will be caught up before I start, and it can all be scheduled in the future around my work.
    Combat Arms has gone a little more smoothly, now that I have a new mouse,thanks to a friend of mine, who bought a new computer and uses a wireless, so he gave me the mouse that went to the new computer. I have been playing a lot of Arms Race, due to the extra xp and gp you get. Kinda foolish if you ask me, soon everyone will be a G.O.A. and then what will they do, too many generals and not enough soldiers,hehehe. I have a hard time believing I am caught up in it myself, hopefully it will just be a stage I am going thru. Devil Dog, a guy who I play the game with a lot leveled up the other day, which was sweet. The social aspect of gaming and what it has become never ceases to amaze me. An invitation to someones ranking party is of special significance, and is truly an honor.
    West Coast Killers, I really don't understand what happened there, first they ask me to join, actually have been asking a long time , I finally felt comfortable enough to join , and they fall through. Personally, I am sadly disappointed in them, and have lost some respect for them in what I can only label as sloppy work in recruitment. Last week, Coolbreeze, even asked me if I was still interested, with no follow through after I said yes. Presently I must confess, I do not know if I would still be interested. It would not have been so bad if Greatfuldead, had not emphasized, his feelings on trust, or had not known of the importance a clan means to me.
    On to a different subject,the damn sink is backing up, lo, which means old school dish washing by hand, I did manage to , hopefully, get a snake lined up for tomorrow, and with a little luck ,will have it fixed tomorrow.
     The week before, I did some work for the county, at the library,which I got paid for on this Friday, which made it possible, for Donna to go to her bingo special play. Tomorrow, I meet with Steve to line up some more work for next week.
      Personal, lets get personal, there are times when i wonder why, what am I really about. I feel as though my wife is my friend, and thats as far as she wants it to go. For what ever reason, I have difficulty with feeling alone, know things are not to my satisfaction and yet I just continue on. It may have been a mistake to take that girl to Spinakers last night, nothing occured but she actually enjoyed my company, we had an enjoyable time and she made me feel good about myself. All that without any thing but talk, Woman do approach mr occasionally, including last night, but I always worry about things getting out of hand. So, I usually just walk away, how ever the question remains at what cost, how much , and to what extant will my own happiness be forsaken. I do use my time out to make myself happy but I often wonder if I am shortchanging myself. I am also honest enough to admit that it would be a major upheaval, in my life and maybe I am simply too much of a coward to walk the path best for me. I can not deny that the effect this would have on my wife, does play an important part, but where do we draw the line? I feel as if I keep waiting in vain for her to change back, or something, to recapture the magic of yesteryear, with the reality being it is not going to happen. To dream when there is no dream,wish for what you know will not be, when do i face reality,deal with the facts that are in front of me. I guess if I knew the answer, I would not be writing this now. Well thats enough for now, it is time to get dressed, and trip the light fantastic, for a couple of hours anyway. Until next time love you, marino
 

just a note on things that have been going on

      I really should keep a diary, but as sporadic as my blog is,.hehehe, i really dont see that happening .Sometimes even I have to go back and read my last blog, just to see where I left off. So lets start the backwards trip of events so I can attempt to keep it all straight. Today has been, lets see, a nice day, that is a good way of putting, actually a little on the mellow side,especially as i planned to go dancing this weekend, but sometimes I guess it is good to chill at home. I did get some cleaning done, a little bit of laundry,and straightened out the kitchen so that was good. Hate looking at the lawn right now though,grass needs to be cut so bad, and the stupid lawn mower wont start, of course it does not help when i leave it outside with all the rain we have been having. Played me some Combat Arms, and had a good time, started an OMA room and was pleasantly surprised when a player from back in the day came on by the name of payan anthrax, playing under another account, people were flipping because he is just tooo good, and one of the players who usually wins, even left. Funniest damn thing in the world watching all these skilled players trying to figure out why they cant beat him. I also had the pleasure of talking with Deadly Queen, and Bigfuut on raidcall while in game so all good. Poor Bigfuut is having issues with staying in his clan but I told him to discuss it over with his clan leader. I went over to a friends house and borrowed 6 bucks from him to grab some groceries and to thank him for dropping off a mouse for the game, unfortunately the wheel sticks so cant use but nice of him anyway. Bought some bread,crackers and eggs, which is what wife wanted so all good ,hopefully my check will be ready, on Monday.

     On Monday I went down to talk with Steve about doing some work on the floors at the library and we where able to set some work up for Thursday and Friday. The work went pretty good, I wanted to finish it all on the same night but since it was not scheduled that way could not do it. It was kinda funny because it would have only been another hour, and instead we spent three and a half hours on Friday night to accomplish the same thing. Oh, well, all good, I damn sure am not complaining about the work which I needed and i have a good time with Bill anyways. I laugh when during our breaks we talked about Big Brother, i could not have envisioned myself ever being that interested in that show, and  it was kinda like a couple of old biddies discussing a soap opera like, Days Of Our Lives or General Hospital. The work went pretty good, I damn sure had a good time, love doing my floors, my big side to side decided to break down on me,actually plugged it in and would not do anything, so since it was working the previous night , my guess is its probably something simple like a new plug. I did get a little exasperated, due to the fact Friday, I was supposed to get a check from a company which was already a week late, only to find they still had no invoice,grrrrr. Which had been turned in over a week ago, hopefully check will be there on Monday.

     No check meant I could not do a couple of jobs I had planned for this weekend, so I will have to reschedule, asap. Funny how much chaos can erupt from something so singular, bills late, no gas to look for more work, I know it really is not funny, but it is when I think about the fact,the company that owes the money has no idea of the ramifications of their error. It will get better at anyrate, the county job at least assures me of a check next week and I still have some more work to do in the Library so that's reassuring

    Thursday, I went down to Healthsouth,to discuss getting a job there. My biggest worry being I dont want to lose the contracts I currently have or no be able to expand my business, while at the same time i dont want to short them , as they are being nice enough to give me a job. It appears that they are willing to work with me, as far as my schedule as long as I give them enough notice, so things are looking up there. I intend to submit my app next week, before I do I am going to try Wal Mart one more time, about getting the contract. Bill and I were talking about how companies pay for shoddy work, simply because it is easier to keep a company rather then putting in new paperwork, and then they wonder why the job is not done right. Hell if a company cant seem to get their act together, you replace them, just like you would an employee. Do  not see the problem in that, as eventually there will be someone who will get the job done right.

     No dancing tonight but thats ok, there is always next w/e and  i am gonna go play some Combat Arms with some friends of mine, dying can be so much fun,hehehe,love at you,Marino.

Labor Day weekend

      No title yet,there is no telling where this will lead. Here, I am simply trying to keep the gap between posts from becoming too large. Sooooo, where to start,hmmmm. Ok, lets start with work,ughhhhh, actually only because i feel guilty about my last 2 posts being entirely personal,hehehehe,and i feel as if i should at least give work a passing motion,hehehe.Actually things have not been going to bad, more would be good, and I finally put a post on craigslist,the only response was from the yellow pages, but it is a start. The Old Fashion Floor store,through a recommendation by Stoney Thompson, gave me a chance to make some money and show them what i got. It went pretty well and they paid me pretty well, especially when we had not discussed the price before the job. I also got a firm commitment from the county building to do some work thursday and friday of next week. Bills have had me scared for awhile now and that will be a lot of help, I also did the windows for the Raceway, only 50 bucks, but better that then nothing. Oh and on that note, my propane buffer went down, I am gonna have to throw it in the shop, but it is too important for my work not to. I also did the store next to the house and traded some extra work for a carton of smokes, which helps.At any rate things are improving if not fasst enough for me, better then last month, and with a little work things could get better. My biggest problem, quite simply is i really dont know how to bid on jobs, like cleaning restaurants,office buildings and such. I am sure if i could learn , it would help me in my endeavor to stay in business. My biggest fear being I bid too low, knowing I need the work. On a positive note, I should be making enough to spend more money on gas in order to get more work. It is humorous,you can have enough to pay the bills and be at a standstill, due to the fact you cant go out to find more work, due to insufficient funds for gas,hehehee. Express Lane got another floor company, it did not kill me emotionally so I guess I am getting better.
     Labor Day weekend, playing Combat Arms, which has been a lot of fun,even though my k.d.r. is going to hell,hehehe. Funny I am doing better in Death room elimination then I am in One Man Army. the skill is just not there or maybe it will just take more time, or a new computer, which will be awhile. I won 25 bucks at bingo yesterday too which helped, making it possible for me to go out dancing tonite. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, the dance.
     Friday night, the little ones came by to spend the night and stayed up till 10 or 10;30, mischievous little wonders they are. Delving into everything and turning the norm into wondrous objects. Full of life and questions, sparking laughter,and a sense of anew to things that have been taken for granted. What better way to start a journey, with a light step. On every trip to Spinnakers, I have a moment of doubt,a question, if maybe I am not too old ,acting out in a way not considered proper for someone of my age. Thoughts of being ridiculed,or an indication of not fitting in, or a part of. It really is difficult, I know to others it may not appear so, I try to act soooo like i dont care, reality check. of course i do.
     It is not myself that overcomes the awkwardness, that feeling of insecurity, as i stand there, worrying about laughter erupting, or even worse, younger people that purposely, or even accidentally, notice me or my dancing , their looks ,through my eyes, judging me in a way to make me self conscious of every move. I do not state that there is no confidence in my ability to enjoy myself, it is simply that I have become more aware of how cruel,even without intention people can be. Last night I noticed a guy in his late 50 or so dancing inside the club,by himself, on a full dance floor. Off to the side a trio of young men where making fun of him, without his knowledge,not that they were being rude, they were simply being their young selves. Now of course,hehehe, they were not dancing, and I was tempted to tell them to to stop it and get down there themselves, so often people will pick on or at someone simply because they are nervous or afraid to do the same. I felt kinda guilty myself, I have seen this guy for awhile and sometimes,always in my mind never out loud, I critic his dancing, the truth though is at least he is down there with the crowd and I have to respect the fact there is no shame in his game. I have to respect him for that. It is far more difficult to take a chance then to stay safe as I do.
      Fear, in my last couple of posts i have mentioned fear, while not really defining it, according to my own thoughts. OK, now we are beginning to rock and roll, heheheh.e, lets do this. Afraid of another persons wrong interpretation, yes, of what might be, could be, about what I think, or feel. Confident, within myself, I am but  with the full realization that others vision of what I see may not be colored the same. Some may think iI am showboating, maybe trying to be something I am not, or trying to impress the ladies,hehehe. I dance ,simply because ther is no other choice, I have been given a gift, for which I am eternally grateful, music is what i am. I have no choice,unless its denial, of what or who I am, there is no choice,no option with the exception of becoming deaf. I never asked for this gift, definately would rather listen quietly in the corner, yet, when the music begins ,there really is no option, for it must be celebrated, here I celebrate life, and it is not my will,it is the will of the musics desire for a physical embodiment, which chooses me with all my inadequacies, self doubts and fears to make itself be known. Is this not the funniest thing in the world, little ole me trying to serve as an interpreter for such a magical thing. I will be the first o admit I am getting older, I cant dance and express myself as well as i would like, I wish I had money, to learn how to dance better,learn all these new steps, every night I go out dancing, my thought is to start working out simply so i can be express the dance longer, better, yet I dont. Fear, maybe of being happy,a slow self destruct, perhaps the bowing of spirit to the masses, and their sense of  how I should act. I am one who sees and thinks too much about tomorrow. I fear my thoughts, not out of fear, but out of fear of maybe i am right, what is the cost of my dreams, is it right at my wisdom of years to ask one younger, less experienced in the ways of the world to take that chance. At what cost, would my or our dream, consist of. Do i believe ? Yes, but do i believe that i have the right to ask another to pay that price,no. You see the realization of somethings unique beauty and wonder, and the price to be paid for it, is something that can only be determined by the individual, here is where fear, comes into effect. I fear the subconscious effort of convincing another to take that dangerous road, confident in the fact  that they are as aware as i am, I would rather be without, then to influence a decision that is life changing. I remember a relationship I had with another. We met through a dance,she was out with her mother, I was actually on my way to work and just came in to dance for a litlle bit. She asked me to dance as she was too good looking for me to have the courage to ask,hehehe, turns out she was married, rich,her and her husband owned some fitness clubs, and definitely out of my league. After a little bit I had to leave for work, the time with her was special, and as I left I gave her my #, telling her the smartest thing she could do was throw it away. For almost 2 months I searched for that woman, quit working ,going dancing every night,finally the guys told me to quit or thy would quit, i asked for one more night,lo and behold she called me. This was something I did not ever expect, but the feeling for her had been real, I just never thought it would be right for me to make that decision for her,and neither did I think I had that much to offer. Nuts, yes it drove me crazy,the journey,and all my friends too,hehehee, but there are no regrets for the beauty of that special time were untainted by the idea I had Influenced her in any way ,you see she had come to her own conclusions and made her own decisions and that was one of the beauties of her gift to me.
     Pretty good at least to me, all week I had been thinking about  using the word afraid in my previous 2 blogs and writing something to explain what I meant, I am giving myself a pat on the back here,hehehe. It is not easy for a person to be the person they are and because we are unique individuals with our own interpretations of things I just wanted to define it for clarity.
     Now hehehehe, back to the weekend, i cant stop laughing the way I jump around. I did go to Spinnakers, the band was good not great,but after following Natalie, it would have to be some sort of let down,no offense intended. Noahs Ark is good ,just not captivating,with that something a little extra, I had a pretty good night though, with two instances of note, the first consisted of some guy coming up to me and congratulating me on the way I interacted with the little ones when I took them to the neighborhood store,he stated that he thought it great to see that someone could have fun and showed they cared so much at the same time. That kinda threw me a little but as long as it was a good thing ,no problem. the other incident at the club was when this guy brought me a coke. I know it sounds strange but his girl and him had met before and we had a good time at the club,with them stating they felt as if life would not be to bad if they could be like me when they got older. Anywayssss, I think that people are worried that when you get older there is no life, at any rate he came over,stating it was nice to see me and they were happy to see me still around. Life the important sweet moments, are not long continuous stretches but special moments that make the mundane  times in life bearable. Oh,No a song just came on starting with the words, boy sometimes I just want to dance with you, one of lifes, my lifes little sweet humorous moments. To go on, yes, i danced, it was good, and interesting. I stay in my little area and enjoy, sometimes the crowd enticing me to come down and that does make me feel good, a part of ,even though I am solitary in my space. Saturday night was definitely more of a relaxed time, I swayed more then danced, it got a little crowded in my space but that was ok. I did not feel as if I had to put on a show and it was relaxing, hell I even left earlier then I thought I would. Dance I did,hehehe, it just wa one of those nights, and there was this situation at first also. Hehehehe, sometimes when I dance it attracts female attention, usually momentarily quick, you dance well or I like the way you dance, and its a done deal. Sometimes, it is not so quick, a woman was checking me out from behind me and decided she would stand beside my space, Well, she made me feel a little uncomfortable so I just sat my ass down,and stayed in that position until someone else hit on her. I may have been thinking too much, but where normally I might have danced beside another woman and she may have joined in for a sec., i just felt this woman wanted to do more then dance. To keep things safe, I just did not put myself in that situation, and she stayed the whole damn set, which did have some good songs to dance to.  A lesson in self control,hehehe, at any rate yes i will probably go for a little bit tonight,do you feel the love, until next time, oh and by the way, Marino, you really are not that bad a guy, confused, emotional and different but I do love me being who I am.Just in case you need that someday in the future, you can smile now,hehehehe.

whats wrong with a dance or two

      Whats wrong with a dance or two, for me they can be life changing, this is actually the title for one of Natalie Stovalls new songs. When I first heard her announce the title, I flipped, it was like a testimony to my life, The funny thing is after she announced the title,my head was spinning so fast, I did not pick up on the lyrics,so now I am really curious to see her vision. I did listen to her sing it, but my mind was going in so many directions , I guess i was lost in limbo.I went to her website to see if the lyrics were posted there, no luck, in a sense it is going to be interesting to see how our interpretations of the same thought will bear out. At least to me, after i got done posting my last blog, concerning Natalie and the weekend, I realized later it was one of the few times i had not mentioned work,in any form or fashion, that just goes to show the wonder of that time. I have not been able to keep myself on a level keel since, and you know it is really not a bad thing, to know I can be affected like that. Lost I have been ,aint no lie,hehehe,and of course my mind combined with the emotional rapture, I am surprised to find myself here, seemingly calm,normal and an outward appearance that shows no hint of the tumultuous confusion erupting within.
      I want to say, but I cant out of fear that not only would others laugh, including...,and then I am also afraid of looking like a fool to myself,check, keep it in check, when you know,the burn, fire, smolder of emotion, constrained by sensibility. All in a conspiracy to make me a liar,deciever, of the truth i wish to scream in joy, afraid of looking ,feeling the fool. What, no admission, no possibility of being wrong,while it sings hidden this secret song, colored in the greens of spring, reborn, flickering,colors passionate, resting on a cloud ,soft, white, and as pure in its innocence as a childs unrestrained laughter, this that makes life so worth living to me out weighs all other things. Money,physical things,appearance, all take a second seat here, for this is what makes life worthwhile, dreams are what keep people going ,mine are just of the sort that exist within.
    Somethings different tonight, I don't know what it is, I read this,someone wrote,hehehe. It shook me to see it and then I said, STOP, who else can dream my dreams,feel my truth in which i am lost,and next it was about how i read to much into things,the fact that to others i am probably strange, all the reasons for not, I know, but still I cant stop the dream. I am just a fool, I know,improbable, illogical, over emotional and what can I do? In the same way a musician plays music,a singer sings the song,or a bard tells the tale, I sit here weaving this, its subilties lost to the norm,while its message lies open to those who know, and with their knowledge,it is ok,for such knowledge can only come thru the pain of having been there.
   A dance or two. So simple, isnt it, so casual,just a dance. Every woman i have been emotionally involved with, it has always been through dancing first.This is why I dont get on the dance floor, why I shield myself ,for with me, here is where it has always began.Surprising me when something I love to do gives me the greatest gift there is. The humor here, it is not at my approach, for I truly am shy, it just happens, and the wonder is in its directness, there is seldom a question , it just is and becomes... what it is. When a force penetrates our defenses,its swiftness is a part of its deadliness,a dance without a dance,a weaving,with out a physical closeness, a feeling, two communicating without words, it is so hard to describe, with words,the joining, birth ,union of soul and it is not just that it is a touching without touching, making love without the barrier of our physical self,a spiritual joining felt from inside to out, the communication spoken without words, the giving ,pure and without restraint, its acceptance, without question. Magic, here unconditional. I feel so inadequate in the phrasing,so uplifted by the memory. Play, dance with me, lift me let the music and the dance speak. While we dance, free at last, the emotion carries away fear, releasing me to be me with out fear. Where I would be intimidated, the music has unleashed me.You play me, my strength  weakened by your communication with that that was kept shielded. A dance,such a simple thing, it has made something so seemingly normal, different tonight. In my innocence I felt safe, alone by choice, occasionally grazed by others , the melody you weaved from afar, becoming a part of me.
    Soulmate, here is where it explains it self,in words with which I have run out of,that ability for two to communicate without the physical speaking of language, where a look ,the brush of a hand ,a smile, sometimes the sharing of a thought unspoken, a deja vu, feeling of no matter what it will be all right,the loss of my fears, the only fear being, do you feel,or is this just a fantasy i my own mind. Its ok, I say, for the feeling is worth its price, and see me now dancing alone,but it is different tonight,do you feel the love, marino.

the spell

    I simply can not sleep,here it is Monday, I actually worked a lot and ,I cant turn my mind off, it is glowing with thoughts,passionate,hot,my senses are reeling ,while quicksilver thoughts flash through my mind.. At 58,I should know better,what is wrong with me? Will i ever stop,being the dreamer, can I for once, ah hell i cant even be honest with myself, out of fear of admission,reality would set in and all those reasons for NOT, would flicker in this young hearts mind, all those reasons saying, YES, would be exposed. I sit here typing ,as if it is some form of exorcism, a way to drive thoughts and feelings from myself. Like the acknowledgement, that  I am thought of ,oh hell, if anyone can drive themselves up a tree,believe me,I am the cat who owns the dog that is chasing me,hehehe. Ah, finally,I have made myself smile as I thought of that little saying myself just now. Intensity, can be dangerous to me ,the relief through a smile,dance, or actually just something which eases my emotional overture, is so much appreciated at a time like this. Even now frustration emits, but it is controllable,arising from not saying exactly what i wish,hehehe, it is a dance, and as I laugh ,for i know what the truth is ,it is so similar to me dancing alone, oh the two are one and the same.Here i am dancing softly, to conceal the twirling dervish flight of my being, my feet dancing with passion, my soul lit and afire. . with what..a dream..of my own, unbidden, and unleashed by a....where others would say an angel, i would say a demoness, for it rocked my world with spells unknown to mortal beings, ensnared a place ,known to few and sent me to the heavens, but all alone.
     Now I am not going to lie the way i transposed my essence into words has amazed me here,in the future,when i read this i will definitely know what i was talking about,hehehe. I swear am never gonna grow up,at the least I refuse to learn, I armor myself, my shields strong,and BAM, like a spell has been woven,they melt. Ok,so what has been going on,with you lately Marino,hmmmm. I know i am laughing to myself right now but lets do this,hehehehe. To the best of my ability,lets dance.
    I teased myself this weekend,to no avail,i managed to stay home Friday night,using Christenes birthday party and the fact Donna did not go to play her bingo,as an excuse, a reason for me to stay home. I have not gone out to Spinnakers for i dont know how long,no dancing,trying to be something i am not and, you know as i say that ,I realize i have been doing that a lot, Donna , i think even suggested i go, but it just did not happen for one reason or another. I just dont want to be honest with myself, for i do know why.Ok, thats enough Marino,lordy boy get your shit together,hehehe.Back to the subject matter at hand, Saturday, was Christenes birthday party, and jokingly I told her husband Rocky i was going to go to Spinakers that night. He then asked if I would be his d.d. for the night ,so he could go,I told him Natalie Stovall would be playing and,with that statement i knew I was really going to go.Now he did say he could not go due to it being Christenes birthday, but for myself it was like unlocking a door,and there would be no closing it,
    I arrived late at the club and they had already played one set,arriving during break,which kinda got to me,oh well,i figured probably for the best anyway.You ever wanted to sit and talk with some one,and it just doesn't happen,thats me,hehehe, and it is quite simply fear,not a fear of the other person,but that dark fear,the snake coiled inside that strikes when most vulnerable,that you are not what the other sees, it is looking in a mirror,and the distortion in your mind makes you different from who you are,all the insecurities making you less then you are.BOY, I am good at messing myself up,actually I just run scared, I am who I am and thats it ,I am always afraid of coming up short,hehehehe,yeah that way too,hehehe.
     The night,was amazing,I t was the Fourth of July, Christmas, and Valentines day all in one. I saw people i had not seen in a bit, the d,j, played music that made my feet twitch, and Natalie was everything I had  imagined her to be. Often,when I recollect a memory, I color it and the reality is not the same as the memory,here it was similar to the truth, a symphony of  everything that it was supposed to be , ecstasy, for me . The night colored ,not like the subtle colors of a rainbow,bright, striking , arrows,penetrating, exhilarating and lifting me into realms of abandonment, that i wish i could share, for here there was no fear, no hiding,I strut, I said look what you have unleashed,feel the power you have  given me and so I DANCED. Not for just me,for all to see, to feel the magic created inside of me, knowing with a touch of sadness, this cant be shared, unless it is already there,this is a gift omly a few have known, but i try,and through the truth of the emotion within, some can glimpse, a taste of the nectar the gods have given me.
    That look,which is all i will say, that was enough.
   Sunday, I know, I could not resist,I told myself, it will not be the same, what night could possibly compare with the night before. I had left early Saturday,because i was plain scared, of someone, talking to me.Then got pissed on Sunday,because I tried to get there when the band started and got there too early, then on top of it all, I see Natalie and the band sitting at a table so I ran to the little bar,hehehe. Once they started playing it was all good, actually I was not so moved to dance as i swayed to the music,most of the night. That is not to say i did not dance it was just like I was , I really cant describe it,maybe happy,hehehe. It was good,i felt as if it was ok just to be there. A soft web enfolding you,a warmth inside,and knowing its ok, to just be. Electricity,sparking ,emotions, body and mind,and all the while it is ok. Placid, though is definitely not there, hell there was a guy kinda thick,well built and a litlle buzzed who kept bumping into me, I know he was enjoying the music, but he was interfering with me enjoying it, so i kindly grabbed his shoulder and asked him to stay out of my personal space. Lordy, I believe I pissed him off,and while he looked at me with a bit of drunken shock,he stopped to tell his friend, next to him, and me, I was trying to nonchalantly figure out where on the dance floor he was gonna knock me tooo,hehehe. It is not very often i let people get too me, but i guess this was one of those times and  I am still proud of the way I stuck up to him, hehehe.Natalie did a song off her new album and the title was something like whats wrong with a dance or two, rock my world,I dont recall the lyrics but the thoughts exploded in my mind,then later on she made my night as she played at me and I danced> my best dancing it was not but she made rise to the occasion and after that set, I left, wanting to talk with her, yet scared to death. My mind, my emotions, my worst enemy. So I sit here grateful for the peace of mind i acquired while typing this out ,now with the end nearby my thoughts and feelings again start to unfold and it is ok,I am who I am and thats just me.Quite honestly I know, it is too late, I am fucked, and  I am smiling so silly, but maybe it will be easier,probably not,for I am a dreamer. I  want to say more but really what else can I say, it was a time that for me will always be, a dream that came true, goodnight and do you feel the love, marino.

just a few lines about whats been going on

           I am a procrastinator,with this thing i swear.Sorry for the delay had to go back and read last blog so i don't say the same things,hehehehe. So, where to start , ok, lets start with today,hehe. I slept, hard, guess i am out of shape, I actually just relaxed, and could not believe how much my body ached from work. i know I need to work on a more regular basis now,hehe. I played Combat Arms for a bit, maybe an hour or so had a pretty good time, actually that is the PROBLEM, too much C/A and not enough time spent on facebook or blog. Gaming is addictive, and oh so much fun,throw in the social aspect and i can see where people get concerned over too much time spent with the devices of today and insufficient time spent with personal 1 on 1 interaction.
          Last night i did Matties raceway store,right before Tyndall Air Force Base. Its a pain trying to capitalize properly,hehe, i am in a fairly good mood, if you cant tell.There is so much stuff to move and it is a fairly good sized store so the workout was intense. Then since i did not want to go through the agony of loading the big scrubber, in the van, it took longer to scrub.I really owe him for the allowing me to do the store, it needed doing no ifs or buts about it, the money was desperately needed also. I made that place look good too, plus it was a race trying to get it done before the store opened at 4, move all the displays, and put them back, but it did get done.All in all a good night.
         Monday night I did Mikes store,on East ave. and hwy 98, it was bloody hell!!!! Damn sure made me appreciate going behind my own work. Since i told them i was not going to do there floors anymore they had hired another company, Alexanders, and god what a mess.Wax, dirty wax ,in layers,edges a mess and splatter every where,I swear it was like doing the Junior stores when I first started. Then, lo and behold, the clerk wants to tell me where to start, then he informs me, i have to do the office, behind the counter, and the bathrooms. I tried to tell him we needed to have started earlier if that was the case, but game on.Ahhhh,such is life, all good nothing like a challenge. i did get it done but it was not to my expectations, but they were happy, i will be doing some extra work in there for a bit, Damn it, I just realized that i forgot to charge him 25 extra for rescheduling, my baddddddd.
        Before I forget, as I am do all the time, Stoney Thompson, recommended me to the Old Fashion Floor store. I can use all the help i can get, I spoke to the owner and he wants me to do a job for the Chapmans, well actually for their secretary, but i am definitely going there to impress. Who knows where a job like that can lead. Stoney also asked me to give him a call,next week about some other work. I told him I had had to borrow 20 bucks to get some smokes and stuff, in general conversation, which I am guessing made him realize i am struggling. It was nice of him and we shall see what will be. Lately, people have been stating they want work done, then something occurs which prevents or delays the job, its usually not their fault but it is killing me, well, not really but making life a little difficult for sure.
       Tomorrow, I am going to go to Work Force and also to apply at another cleaning company,which is killing me. I mean, I know it is really the right thing to do, it is just. I really don't know how to explain it, I feel as if I have lost myself, as if it is an admission of being  a failure. Well, i need to do it to level out the finances here, and in the big picture, I guess the destruction of myself is a small price to pay for the familys security.Family first, that is the way it should be and realistically, I am to blame also, there was so much i should have, could have, and did not. I was driving home, and the guys used to ask me to get them shirts with the company name,nope i didn't, and driving home yesterday, i decided i need to at least get some shirts ,as any advertising is better then no advertising. Who knows what kind of opportunities i passed up by not listening long ago.
      So anyway enough on that before i depress myself,lordy,lordy. It is going to be a good day tomorrow and things will get better.Before i go, hehehe, while Stoney and i were talking i told him about dropping off the letter to the Lewis family,at the Express Lane office. He told me he had seen Jim Lewis the other day and that Jim barely spoke 20 words to him, this after working for them almost 8 years and that he did not think they would do anything for me. I told him maybe i was gullible, you know believing in they care, but you know, thats ok. I would much rather believe in the chance that they care, then to believe that the things they stated and their beliefs were lies, or misrepresentations.We all are human, make mistakes, etc., but some of my fondest memories are of that family giving a damn, laughing or sharing bits of knowledge with me. That is something that irregardless of what my future holds will always be there. On that happy note, i bid thee adieu, untill next time, may there be a smile on your face ,a jump in your step and love in your life, later, marino.

getting it done

      Yeahhhhh,I made some progress today. Registered at Work Force,got 2 stores back, wrote a letter to the Lewis family,previous owners of Express Lane,went to Legal Services, and it all went surprisingly well. Keep this up and I will shock myself,hehehehe. It is always amazing to me, when i actually get things accomplished, I just put one foot in front of the other,get one thing done and the rest kinda falls into place,because I am so happy i got the first thing done.
    First thing i did was talk to the owner of a couple of stores and made sure we were on the same page,before I agreed to the jobs. I gave him a good deal as, quite simply I need the work, then he tried to get a better deal. I stood up for myself, explained the cost in supplies,etc,, and was surprised by the fact, once he was made aware of everything, he agreed it was fair. Lo, shocked I was, plus he had tried another company and the results were not as good as mine,so that helped also.
    Actually,that was second first I stopped at Legal Services, to investigate what i could do about situation with Express Lane,and Tom Thumb. Mainly, Express Lane, as Rep. Patronis is working on the Tom Thumb situation, it tuns out they mainly deal with divorces and family stuff, they did recommend I attend a Legal Clinic this Saturday at Gulf Coast Community College,so we will see what transpires then. It does give me time to get everything together and maybe I will get lucky,hehehe.
    Work Force, psychologically, that was the most difficult. It was difficult, because once i walked in, I was admitting not only that i needed help, but also the potential end of a part of my life,my own bussiness. The people there were very helpful, turning my awkward feeling of helplessness into, a feeling of normalcy. Any questions i had were answered as quickly as possible and when stumped, they would discuss the situation ensuring the right info was given.Positive experience,to be honest,walked out feeling better then when I walked in.
    SHOCKER, after i got all this done i came home, wife was napping,I was on the computer just messing around and someone knocks on the door. Kevin, guy who used to work for me came by,had been about 2 or 3 years since i last saw him. He had been in town for a bit, noticed my van,hehehe, yes it is that well known and stopped by to say hi. It was funny , or just the timing was weird, with all that has been going on. We talked about all that has gone on in our lives since we last saw one another, he had hopes of hitting it big as a D.J., and I told him about work. He was nice enough to tell me that he really appreciated the fact I had given him a chance and that while he had been away he had reflected on the fact that I had never been about the money for myself, tried to help others, himself included and that his experiences afterwards had really made him appreciate me, and my efforts ,to make his life a better one.He was upfront with me telling me how things had gone, mainly from good to bad and what a roller coaster it had become.We both laughed as he told me how he would tell stories of what it was like working for me and how much he enjoyed coming to work,until, I would tell him that we were going out to strip a floor. He said as soon as he would hear that he knew the day was going to get crazy,hehehe. Sitting together, sharing stories, I was reborn with pride in what i had accomplished,not just him, but others that came up in conversation. He refreshed my memories of the good things I had done, made me realize it did have positive results and to a few, I had made a difference. What else can you ask for, too often we want to help and cant,here i was able to do something, my time , my business may be coming to an end, not without a fight, but if it does, there will be people who will remember me as a person who tried to help others.
     I know i could have done better, I realize now many lessons or bits of advice, that I did not pay attention too. Funny, because, i always was willing to listen to others, I guess that hearing someone state things we dont want to hear, causes a loss in the art of listening, while you hear what they say. Confusing I know, but it really is true. Hahahaha.
     I had time to type this as Combat Arms went down for maintenance, unexpected, but sometimes the unexpected is the best kind. Therefore my new post, hehehehe, andddddd, i just discovered they are going to have weapons available for game points-gp-which is a rarity in itself. In game i am rich,hahaha, over a million GP, which means i can afford to buy a couple of things. I was excited to hear the first weapon was the g36, until, I realized I already have one.Hehehehe, and you can not gift permanent weapons in game either, that is not very smart on their part, because a lot of people are willing to gift others not as fortunate as themselves.Well, time to check out the game,see if its up and have some fun, it has been a good day,love ya ,marino.

Westcoastkillers

       I am joining a clan today,momentous event, in Combat Arms, called Westcoastkillers. It is run a guy called Greatfullded, we have known one another since my Xconz days.The clan has been around since Combat Arms started, and is one of the few that are well respected, in the game. It is an invitation only, and they have to know you awhile before even thinking of extending an invitation. I am honored , by the invitation and also sad, because my heart will never forget Xconz. I learned so much from my first clan, and our little community was well respected and feared,hehehehe. Unfortunately it only takes one bad apple to spoil the basket, which is what happened there, and alas our family is no more. To me as a gamer, my clan is all. I share the same things ,even more actually, as i do with my family. Here you are yourself, sharing those things you cant in the real world,problems,states of mind, and the little joys that come our way. Acceptance is based on the person you are in game, the greatest gift is here you can be you, no worries about looks,race, religion.
    Its funny, i used to have skill at this game and now i am terrible,hehehehe. In time i am sure i will improve, but at least they are basing the desire to be clanmates on me as a person. Clans, are family to an old timer like me, and not something to be taken lightly. In todays gaming , so many young people join a clan and have no idea of what type of relationship is possible. As a result they jump from clan to clan not taking time to bond with their clannies, and miss out on the possibilities. In  Xconz we not only talked about the game ,life, etc., we would help one another out, from help on a car, to buying things for clanmates who were in rough times or could not afford something.
   It has taken a long time for me to be able to take this step, there was so much damage from the aftermath of  Xconz disbanding, i think I felt as if i was going through a divorce, or taken away from my family. I may play the carefree type, but i hide the hurt, and it takes me time to overcome ,plus it is also putting yourself out there, no hiding as you have made a commitment, to your new found family. I just hope I have made the right decision, I fel like a groom the day before the wedding,hehehe. Fear, to possibly lose the opportunity of enjoying their companionship, and being a part of something that greater, for all its parts, that pushes also.One of the worst things in life, i believe is to ask yourself that question,what if?
   Life is good. I got some work, not a lot but it did help a lot,hehehe. I also,swallowed my pride and am going to do some work for somebody who upset me. This time my eyes are open and i am becoming more and more aware that people don't  necessarily think the same as i do. In addition I am going to apply for a job at the new General Dynamics office they are opening here for medicaid and such.Guess it is time to search other revenues of income, I can not seem to get my act together with getting contracts, in addition, I am afraid I will get a contract and something will go wrong again.It is a trust issue, one I never thought I would have.SAD!!!!!
   This is such a weird time,I actually wanted to spend a lot more time here today but have actually ran out of things to say in anticipation of going in game,hehehehe. Oh yeah, the other night i was watching t.v. and a movie called The Mob,was on, simply great dance movie, which i enjoyed very much.Until the next time,love ya,marino.
 

heaven and hell

     Really, I thought of that today, but in what context i have no idea,hehehe. Like a dust mote flashing in the haze of a flickering flash of sunlight, it appeared and was gone. It flashed and now like an object, you intend to through in the trash, but just keep moving about, the thought wont leave my mind.The wife lost her job,unfortunately, and work I had been counting upon fell through. Now i am concerned over my contract with Origin condominiums, and , whats worse, my lack of desire to go out.Money, well thats life, i mean we do need it to survive, but the lack of desire, to dance, that scares me. Frustrated, upset, my gaming gone to hell, oh I so want to scream, it wont do any good, so why do it. Placid ,too much so, i feel sometimes. Energy, i have in abundance, yet as much as I get upset, i do not allow myself to explode, or act out of character. I may have stifled my emotions for so long, I am no longer capable of feeling. Is it possible that my shell has grown inwards, surrounding my emotions to the point of non feeling? A diminished point, perhaps, which allows me to exist without risk?
     So, whats upppppp, enough, time to recall some good things that have occurred,hehehe.I got an unexpected job yesterday which made 200 dollars, a friend from the past, Justin ,recommended me to this guy, and he had vct in the garage. It was fun, i was able to enjoy the sunshine, do the work, and as the owner said " I wish i had taken a picture of the before and after.", oh yeah good ,love doing my floors and the more difficult the better,hehehe. Now he doesn't want to put anything inside, loving it I am. Evidently, his wife is a bigwig in something also, if that sounds evasive, it was nowhere near as evasive as he was about his wife's job, which I will confess, has made me curious. I will find out though,hehehehe.
    Oh, no!!!!!! No music on, duhhhhhhhh, at home alone and not even listening, how sad, hold on brb,hehehe. Awesome,first song is I Think I Would Have a Heart Attack,blistering way to start my jam on. Talking about, reality shows> The thought came up ,watching MTV, Big Brother flashed ,so here we go. How about unreality shows, yes, i know, it is like watching people in a fishbowl, they are all aware of the cameras though and I believe they do act in relationship, with the cameras.It would be different if there was no knowledge of the  filming but every reality show is staged, i mean can you imagine the difference if they were not aware of them. Now that would surely be more boring, but when there were popping events , I assure you they would be popping . The question now is ,are we in such need of excitement we have to have drame, through others, in order to make it worthwhile to watch these shows. If this is the case then we are in trouble,  believe me i can find plenty of drama just going on my game, and in my life, there is enough there to appreciate a moment like this. Happy I am just typing ,listening to my music and trying to figure out where my head is,hehehe.
     Work, I believe I may be developing laziness, not a trait to be proud of. To go on, the work I was supposed to do last month will actually be occurring this month, thankfully. Pizza place called to affirm work on their floors and county states we should be doing something this month. Bad boy , Marino, still has not typed out a sheet of references, and a little insert about the business , so he can go out and hustle some work. Now that i put it here, I will hopefully get it done. Silly, it may seem, i have found that I do not like looking at the blog and having something here that makes me feel as if i quit. Silly,silly me,hehehe. I have not messed with the pond too much, pissed cause it wont clar, at the same time, i know switching one of the outlets may help. Now I have taken care of it, simply because i was cleaning out the weeds and did not want to face the fact that i was too lazy to at least switch out the hoses. Ah woe is me ,hehehehe
    The other day, Madison had to stay with us, due to her having a bad case of blemishes on her face and all. I truly enjoyed the time we spent together, and it also opened my eyes a little. It has beem months since i have done any baking, partially due to my worry over gaining weight and also no one seemed to enjoy the food or rather appreciate it. Madison wanted to bake some brownies, at first i said no, eventually it happened. How can you say no, heheheh, we had a great time making them, unfortunately, they were hard as a rock,hehehe , but still the joy was great. Next she wants to clean , I have not cleaned up the house or have been doing the minimum to get by. Normally this is not me, I let her vacuum and started cleaning the rest of the house, it was amazing . She reminded me of the joy and i felt good about the house, in addition i came to realise, part of my problem is that i am lonely. Little Madison and I actually had a good time together, which is rare, in that, the things I enjoy doing , no one else do I have to share them with. Stagnancy ,can become a dangerous situation, leading to dis function of myself as a whole. Humans need fireworks of some sort, a stimulus that creates the need to go out of the box, one which stretches us to go further then the time before. This is what creates and defines us, any one can live life, I want to be alive in this life. I like the way I said that, hehehehe, so now i have to go walk my talk and do some gaming ,and improve it. Anyone who reads this, and likes first person shooters the game is Combat Arms and my handle is marinokv , iI am off now, loving the game , that we call life and yes it does get better. love to ya, me

the question is how did i allow this to happen

         The wife just called me to apologize for being ,as she called it, testy, with me earlier. Until she called, or rather, texted me, i was pissed.I am the most messed up, and confused person, i know. Especially in that area of  life,known as love, affection,or that emotional side of our being. I definitely am one who thinks or actually reacts due to emotional input, more so then the logical and thinking side. I have a set of beliefs,rules, that i think should be precedent even in love, and i will be the first to admit, i allow things that I never thought I would. Excuses are always available, been together a long time, responsibility,doing the right thing.
Deep inside me, I wonder if  this is my own form of punishment, payment for not being infallible, a debt to be paid for going outside the ,what is construed as normal,box.
       My wife, you do not find me discussing her here very often, she is very private, and generally I respect that. To ignore her affect on me though, would be unfair to myself, when i read this in the future.Being the emotional person i am, my life is strongly affected by her. I have always told everyone, she is one of the nicest,most giving, and selfless, person i have ever met. With the exception of me,who, i feel she psychologically abuses on a daily basis. If anyone else was being subjected to the treatment  I experience, I would tell them to, get the fuck out,whats wrong with you?
       I remember the early years, before lifes experiences tried us, when she made me feel like a person of special importance,whose opinion mattered, one who may make mistakes but would do the right thing, evoking her understanding and compassion. Today, it is never enough, the words of praise have become words of torment, where i could do no wrong, now I can do nothing right.Words of affection,what words, they have disappeared, with the exception of those maintained through ritual,and those forced, as if by great cost.Physical signs of affection, a kiss, hug,or anything of physical intimacy, come at a price. A kiss,followed by the inevitable, ughhh, your lips were wet,a hug, its too hot, i am too touchy feely,stop it I am not in the mood.Sex, that is taboo,because i am too freaky,weird,or since its that time of life for me,I have no interest..
     Everyday i try to do something to make her life a little easier, only to be subjected to either ridicule, a tirade about something wrong and a never ending feeling of unappreciation. All accepted by me, it is the norm,it is my fault, I have allowed this,for sins, unnamed i pay this price, for failing to love myself, I pay this price,and for feeling that i could have done better by her, I pay this price. Everyday, well almost, I think of yesteryear, i remember our days of bliss,and love, i pray that today, those days will ensue again. Knowing in my soul, my heart, that those days are gone, and that there will probably be no end unless i take drastic steps, my own fear, prohibiting me from facing reality.
     She is so good to anyone else, i deceive myself, thinking my turn will come. In the name of love, I have done more then I should, paid a price I would ask of no other,and still go on. I allow this, I can blame none else, and  even in with the knowledge, remain. Scared, I sometimes wonder, fear of losing all, fearful that I will lose myself. There is a price , my biggest fear, is do I have enough, belief in myself, to walk life's path alone, or have i decided that my fear of being alone, is the dark shadow that will cost me. Price being, joy in living life.
     It is not all bad, I find moments,even hours, where we spend time together, without a harsh word said,and in her sleep, she often reaches over to wrap her self about me as if i am her shelter. Since she has started working she seems to like her self  better,  i wonder sometimes if I derive hope from her changes since she has started working. I dont know, I am searching for answers myself, I do love her, the question is really, how much do I love myself. Love at you,marino.

combat arms

  Such an important part of my world but seldom mentioned is computer gaming.I have been playing computer games for ever........... I dont even remember the name of my first game,but who can forget the original first person shooter Wolfenstein,the one that started it all. Doom, Quake, Call of Duty, the list is endless, for a person of my tender years,hehehe, it has been a revolution, and of course they are now talking about the death of the p.c..Wahhhhhh, so many hours, such a large part of my life, and some money,hahaha, trying to keep my system up to par. The experience of gaming,the worlds it has opened, along with the technology it has introduced, if this is what the future holds for those of younger years i envy you, your journey.
  I fell in love with first person shooters, and spent numerous hours playing, developing my skill to be able to brag of my prowess,hehehe. Then, on CNET, in their d/l section, i found a game called Combat Arms. Little did i know this game was to change my world. It was an online game and free to play, now C.O.D. was already on the internet but for myself i was happy with the single player version,not wanting to bother with the pain of starting to play online. I was hooked on Combat Arms, after my first game, the graphics were good , you could talk to people by typing and the community, was simply awesome.
  It turned out i was reasonably good at playing and was invited to join different clans. A clan is a group of people who enjoy playing together, and at its truest form,is a family. I joined the original Xconz clan, members were people i could discuss my life, any problems, and be honest with. They instilled a feeling of acceptance, and love, based on nothing about me other then who i am.. They accepted me into their lives,helped me out, shared things and were true brothers in arms. You see it is only a game, but when you spend hours of time with people, even those things we hide from one another come out.
  The disbanding of our clan was one of the most difficult things i have ever dealt with., To see your family disintegrate, move in with other families, for me was one of the most difficult things i have ever gone through. It took me a long time to overcome it, even though i joined other clans,they simply did not fill the void i experienced upon our dissolution.
  The game,like most things has evolved in the 5 years i have been playing, some good and some i dont agree with. People, the players, i have now known, some for as long as i have been playing, are why i keep coming back. With the addition of voice while playing , you have interesting conversations, develop friendships,oh and lets not forget the DRAMA,hahhaha. Sometimes I am amazed by the way people are. When I first started playing i was pretty good, today i suck,hehehe. I play, quit for awhile,sometimes frustrated by the horrible player i have become, and I return. On my return I am always amazed by the number of people who are so happy to see me back,actually i feel guilty that i have been absent for so long. You see when I have times of difficulty i hide from the world including my gaming world, then i am surprised by the love that is showered on me.
    There have been times, since i first started playing, when these are the only people I can unload to. They know me not,with the exception of what i tell them, trust me and judge me not. For me , I used to think my skill was the magnet, that left, and they are still there, what else can you ask for.If the world was as accepting of people,maybe it would be a better place.I could go on and on,the fact that i still play,as bad as i have become, is in itself a testament to the beauty of the world of gaming,its people and the social affects on us in todays modern world, to all i give my love and to gamers a little more,thank you for allowing me to be me,and telling me it is ok to be me,love marino
 

christmas in july

          Colors of silver and grey,contentment,a landmark reached with out the knowledge of a goal. Over a thousand hits on my blog,i was shocked, saw it it on 990 or thereabouts last friday and flipped out. Imagine if it was a book and 1000 people liked it, to me that would be amazing. I have always wanted to be a writer but i never thought i would have the tenacity to complete it, a book.So, i write my blog, skipping days,weeks and even months, but always returning to home, to my blog.I never imagined so many people would look at it, or even more,show any interest. I  tend to think of myself more as a failure in lifes journey, even though i have been successful in the past,it all seems to have melted down,leaving me in a dazed, confused and irritated with self, state. Why would anyone want to hear my story?
         Ok, turned on the soul station, music for the soul. It has been a good time since i last posted, my main problem is me. A friend of mine, gave me a tankful of gas, to help in my search for contracts,i got a check for around 100.00 for a settlement, totally unexpected. One of the best things was being able to sit down and talk with my friend,Sal, totally uninhibited. I was able to vent with no worries and for myself,being vocal helps me to bring things to the surface and also gives me a base, that would ordinarily be kept to my subconscious, there but hidden.
        The wife watches the Hallmark station and they were doing Christmas movies over the w/e. they put a smile on my face and made me feel good about life,.reminiscing about yesteryears xmases. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, especially when i can do some giving. Broke, at that time of year, whoa, sucks so bad.Materialistic, not for myself, but who can deny the pleasure we feel when we see, a face light up, or the joy of another when a probable is fulfilled. Yeah, thats what i am talking about. Last year, sucked, financially, I wrote about my feelings in the blog, i also learned money is not the all i make it. Nice to have though.lessons learned in life are not always learned the easy way. This year, the possibility of being broke, well, i think it is going to be easier to accept.
       Another thought, me, what is going on with me? I , am at a lost here. I don't know what i am doing, the answers are probably right in front of me, but I keep going round and round. If it was any one else i would be all over them, for doing what i am, don't really comprehend, why, I can not get my head out of the sand. I have been helping the wife out at work, it actually makes me feel better about me, like i am doing something useful,contributing.It is also a way for me to not look at me, i could be doing something else constructive, and it's like an easier path, than to deal with the real things in my mind.
     I made an agreement with my foot doctor, i do his floors, he takes care of  the problems with my feet. Good deal, i believe and while i was working there Monday i was so happy, doing what i love and the results of my work. I was thinking, to myself, hell i will just go out and do some work for free, they pay for the materials and i will do the work, just to be busy. Now, thats, quite simply, not very smart. The thought wont leave my head though. Simply ridiculous, i know, but i am always so tired of hearing people complain how much they hate their job. I love what i do, for how much longer i don't know, but appreciation of work has always in my heart.
     One day, i don't know when,there will be a new atmosphere here. Due to a more positive self, if it comes about because of work,maybe a better knowledge or loving of self, i have no idea, I refuse to believe, that tomorrow will not have more positives. Good things ,do happen,and sometimes good things occur without our permission,hehehe. Hell if bad times always occur through mischance, so can good things, though i may need glasses to see it, hehehe.I love life, even the bad, for it means i am alive,living it. The scary thing is being a turtle, hiding, knowing what to do,not having the will to go forth. Every day, is an opportunity, for good and bad, when i awake for a new day,I know I may hide. The different things in myself,irregardless of what they are, that make me bring my head out, that is the beauty of being alive, not easy,and sometimes difficult as hell. The refusal to lay there, even if it is only momentary, one day that last gasp, will turn my world around, colors, green ,blue,red,fireworks,rainbows,a smile will be there. Life will be good. love ya,thank you and good night,marino.

time to exorcise these demons

           I am yawning, with boredom i believe, plus its 10:30 at night and i am kinda pushing myself to type this out. I am gonna heat me some warm milk and honey, grab a few stale vanilla wafers,open myself up and watch what drops on these lines. Lets see cookies are good ,milk is warming in the microwave. It works good but i bet it is 7 years old, if it aint broke, keep on using it. Today was a little off, or rather i was, for a tad bit this morning , I was not even sure i would make it out of the bed. Love my cookies dipped in milk, oh yeah good.
          I woke up, or rather the wife woke me,asking about her uniform for work. Yup, i do the laundry too, i really don't mind it helps occupy my time, its just that sometimes i think she wakes me, just to wake me, knowing i usually am up later then her. I got her uniform, stayed up till she left and then against all reason, laid back in bed. I tried fooling myself by telling myself i was tired, plans i had made for the day, kept flickering through my thoughts, prohibiting me from sleep. Dozing occasionally, watching my days expectations, positive in form last night,sinking into a morass, thick , defeating, and  suffocating. Finally, after feelings of guilt, obtained by the thought of my wife working and myself doing nothing , i got up.How bad was it? Even the news my accountant gave me telling me we were caught up on sales tax, could not rouse me from my bed, even though i had been worried about it. I believe I just see myself going round and round, in smaller and smaller circles, until there is some kind of self destruct. It feels as if i am only fooling myself. No end in sight, a hiccup, here and there, light shining thru momentarily, to have shutters of black iron fall across my windows of sunshine. I hate this , I hate the idea that i am perhaps weak, showing a lack of strength, typing this, but it is for real,i don't want to hide myself, my truths of me,from tomorrow when all may be well.
        To go on, to start the day,now that i am up, and filled with negativity, over not doing what i had planned, i take some baby steps. Hard to believe last night, there was so much hope for today. I call about some work for the county, trying to get a better idea of when that will start, and next i call Rep. Patronis office. His secretary tells me Mrs. Butchikas,is out to lunch and i told her i would call back. I then decide sitting in the house,is doing me no good, so I went to see the wife at the bingo hall, and decided to go see Mrs. Butchikas in person.
        Since talking to Rep. Patronis and telling him about the Tom Thumb situation, i have also been afraid of the answer i would receive from him. By going to his office i hoped to let them know I was still awaiting some form of answer, and also overcoming my fear of facing a negative reaction. I did talk to her briefly, and she explained he had been out of the country, so I told her the primary reason for my coming down was to help myself get out of a bad space, and thanked her for her time.
       I next went to check on my wifes car,which is gonna cost money we don't have. I am insistent on finishing it though, its one of the few things she really cares about, and it is my responsibility, my job to provide for her. I talked to Randy for a minute, and then went to see if the wife was still playing, as she was< i bought her and her friend, dinner there, and went next door to see about a haircut. Hairdresser wont be in till tomorrow,so that will wait. I came home, ate too much, to punish myself, i guess, and then the wife came home telling me she was broke, having lost all her money.
     What can you do? Tomorrow I will figure out some way for her to go play, maybe i will get lucky,hehehehe, find a job or something. I have a little money in my wallet but thats for bills,emergency of one kind or another.
     Now that i have gotten all this b/s down on paper, maybe i can get some rest,turn over a positive leaf and kick some butt tomorrow, it is a new day,with a fresh start,maybe i will even have some nice dreams,hehehe. I wont know till tomorrow gets here, but thats better then where i started at here tonight, so lets dance the dance of life,kick up our heels,and smile. love ya,marino.

we cant go back to yesterday

            Oh, boy i must be getting old, hehehehe, philosophy 101,driving back from Chipley,yesterday, looking at the Tom Thumb in Wasau, i realized things do change,or at least they can not go back to what used to be. We were on our way home from dropping the young lady with the abusive husband problems,at her new place,and passing the Tom Thumb, a flash of days gone by hit me,and at the same moment a guy driving a truck,with a trailer pulled in. Floor guy, I said to myself, it was a confrontation, mentally, with myself,and the funny thing is it may not have been the floor guy, but that is what i thought, so in this situation, mind over matter, hehehe.
          It was strange in a way,because i was so well, kinda bitter and mad at the young lady we were trying to help. Helping her was not the difficult part, i really had no problem with that, it was where i perceived her, to me unwillingness to help, help ,herself. Hope that makes sense, we got her boxes, two days later, no boxes packed, and she watched , helping a little while we packed them.Then i saw the supposed floor guy, and wondered to myself, am i not doing the same thing.She kept making excuses, I found flimsy, am I doing the same? I, find it difficult to say this but I am trying to be honest here, for me. Suicide, a veering off the road, an unforeseen accident, someway of ending life, Things are perplexing, i range from thoughts where I want to end this seeming farce of a life, to moments where life is actually,ok. Not great, not bad, but definately worth living. A lot of me I think is, just confused, afraid, and scared because i do not have all the answers.
        For days i have been wanting to call Rep. Patronis, to see if he had been able to get any results, in the Tom Thumb matter, what has stopped me, is the possibility of a negative answer, or even worse, that he states there is nothing he can do. Hopefully, putting this down will help me obtain the courage to contact him tomorrow. We shall see, but i bet i do before i get on my blog again, out of shame of not doing so. Its the same thing I believe with Express Lane, confronting the new president Bob, about the loss of the floor contract. I did try, to see Miss Pease, today,asking for an appointment.Scared if she did set up an appointment, well nervous anyway.This is in hopes of  her backing me in carpet and grout cleaning.
       Jim Lewis, i fill my days sometimes with thoughts of talking to him and getting some help. I sit here, all the thoughts of what i have written so far, and it all looks like a bunch of excuses, maybe heartfelt ones, but they are not going to change my life, i am the only one who can accomplish that.
       The Story of Us, it is funny, is on, a movie about a couple who looks back on their life together,sen from one another's perspective, while they are trying to figure out what happened to them and their marriage. I am, I guess doing the same with me.Its funny,she just said there is a history here, and it is oh so true, i am getting teary eyed, maybe  because i feel my past is swept away, the future is so scary, i am so afraid of the responsibility of being responsible for me.
        Confidence, once a thing taken for granted, too much so, is now gone, the fact that i am subject to failure is such a harsh lesson, one that seemingly makes me feel less than.Where the path of my life goes, is entirely in my hands, outside forces do have impact, their strength and force ,a direct result of my weakness, or strength. For I have to concede, it is me, who determines the force of anothers impact on me, how much will I allow them to affect my life.
        These words, they sound so good to me, another shield, another way of hiding, i have no bloody idea, i write, I read, sometimes it makes me think. Life, am i happy with it, yes,no,it seems as if i only have answers for a short time and then, bam, something else happens,180 degrees out.
        I think i am gonna call it a night now, I did make some awesome ribs, and baked potatoes, plus i won a game at free bingo,12 bucks,all good. It has not been a bad day, i just had these thoughts since last night and wanted to remember them for tomorrow,sweet dreams,lots of love ,and may your day be bright.