Whats wrong with a dance or two, for me they can be life changing, this is actually the title for one of Natalie Stovalls new songs. When I first heard her announce the title, I flipped, it was like a testimony to my life, The funny thing is after she announced the title,my head was spinning so fast, I did not pick up on the lyrics,so now I am really curious to see her vision. I did listen to her sing it, but my mind was going in so many directions , I guess i was lost in limbo.I went to her website to see if the lyrics were posted there, no luck, in a sense it is going to be interesting to see how our interpretations of the same thought will bear out. At least to me, after i got done posting my last blog, concerning Natalie and the weekend, I realized later it was one of the few times i had not mentioned work,in any form or fashion, that just goes to show the wonder of that time. I have not been able to keep myself on a level keel since, and you know it is really not a bad thing, to know I can be affected like that. Lost I have been ,aint no lie,hehehe,and of course my mind combined with the emotional rapture, I am surprised to find myself here, seemingly calm,normal and an outward appearance that shows no hint of the tumultuous confusion erupting within.
I want to say, but I cant out of fear that not only would others laugh, including...,and then I am also afraid of looking like a fool to myself,check, keep it in check, when you know,the burn, fire, smolder of emotion, constrained by sensibility. All in a conspiracy to make me a liar,deciever, of the truth i wish to scream in joy, afraid of looking ,feeling the fool. What, no admission, no possibility of being wrong,while it sings hidden this secret song, colored in the greens of spring, reborn, flickering,colors passionate, resting on a cloud ,soft, white, and as pure in its innocence as a childs unrestrained laughter, this that makes life so worth living to me out weighs all other things. Money,physical things,appearance, all take a second seat here, for this is what makes life worthwhile, dreams are what keep people going ,mine are just of the sort that exist within.
Somethings different tonight, I don't know what it is, I read this,someone wrote,hehehe. It shook me to see it and then I said, STOP, who else can dream my dreams,feel my truth in which i am lost,and next it was about how i read to much into things,the fact that to others i am probably strange, all the reasons for not, I know, but still I cant stop the dream. I am just a fool, I know,improbable, illogical, over emotional and what can I do? In the same way a musician plays music,a singer sings the song,or a bard tells the tale, I sit here weaving this, its subilties lost to the norm,while its message lies open to those who know, and with their knowledge,it is ok,for such knowledge can only come thru the pain of having been there.
A dance or two. So simple, isnt it, so casual,just a dance. Every woman i have been emotionally involved with, it has always been through dancing first.This is why I dont get on the dance floor, why I shield myself ,for with me, here is where it has always began.Surprising me when something I love to do gives me the greatest gift there is. The humor here, it is not at my approach, for I truly am shy, it just happens, and the wonder is in its directness, there is seldom a question , it just is and becomes... what it is. When a force penetrates our defenses,its swiftness is a part of its deadliness,a dance without a dance,a weaving,with out a physical closeness, a feeling, two communicating without words, it is so hard to describe, with words,the joining, birth ,union of soul and it is not just that it is a touching without touching, making love without the barrier of our physical self,a spiritual joining felt from inside to out, the communication spoken without words, the giving ,pure and without restraint, its acceptance, without question. Magic, here unconditional. I feel so inadequate in the phrasing,so uplifted by the memory. Play, dance with me, lift me let the music and the dance speak. While we dance, free at last, the emotion carries away fear, releasing me to be me with out fear. Where I would be intimidated, the music has unleashed me.You play me, my strength weakened by your communication with that that was kept shielded. A dance,such a simple thing, it has made something so seemingly normal, different tonight. In my innocence I felt safe, alone by choice, occasionally grazed by others , the melody you weaved from afar, becoming a part of me.
Soulmate, here is where it explains it self,in words with which I have run out of,that ability for two to communicate without the physical speaking of language, where a look ,the brush of a hand ,a smile, sometimes the sharing of a thought unspoken, a deja vu, feeling of no matter what it will be all right,the loss of my fears, the only fear being, do you feel,or is this just a fantasy i my own mind. Its ok, I say, for the feeling is worth its price, and see me now dancing alone,but it is different tonight,do you feel the love, marino.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
the spell
I simply can not sleep,here it is Monday, I actually worked a lot and ,I cant turn my mind off, it is glowing with thoughts,passionate,hot,my senses are reeling ,while quicksilver thoughts flash through my mind.. At 58,I should know better,what is wrong with me? Will i ever stop,being the dreamer, can I for once, ah hell i cant even be honest with myself, out of fear of admission,reality would set in and all those reasons for NOT, would flicker in this young hearts mind, all those reasons saying, YES, would be exposed. I sit here typing ,as if it is some form of exorcism, a way to drive thoughts and feelings from myself. Like the acknowledgement, that I am thought of ,oh hell, if anyone can drive themselves up a tree,believe me,I am the cat who owns the dog that is chasing me,hehehe. Ah, finally,I have made myself smile as I thought of that little saying myself just now. Intensity, can be dangerous to me ,the relief through a smile,dance, or actually just something which eases my emotional overture, is so much appreciated at a time like this. Even now frustration emits, but it is controllable,arising from not saying exactly what i wish,hehehe, it is a dance, and as I laugh ,for i know what the truth is ,it is so similar to me dancing alone, oh the two are one and the same.Here i am dancing softly, to conceal the twirling dervish flight of my being, my feet dancing with passion, my soul lit and afire. . with what..a dream..of my own, unbidden, and unleashed by a....where others would say an angel, i would say a demoness, for it rocked my world with spells unknown to mortal beings, ensnared a place ,known to few and sent me to the heavens, but all alone.
Now I am not going to lie the way i transposed my essence into words has amazed me here,in the future,when i read this i will definitely know what i was talking about,hehehe. I swear am never gonna grow up,at the least I refuse to learn, I armor myself, my shields strong,and BAM, like a spell has been woven,they melt. Ok,so what has been going on,with you lately Marino,hmmmm. I know i am laughing to myself right now but lets do this,hehehehe. To the best of my ability,lets dance.
I teased myself this weekend,to no avail,i managed to stay home Friday night,using Christenes birthday party and the fact Donna did not go to play her bingo,as an excuse, a reason for me to stay home. I have not gone out to Spinnakers for i dont know how long,no dancing,trying to be something i am not and, you know as i say that ,I realize i have been doing that a lot, Donna , i think even suggested i go, but it just did not happen for one reason or another. I just dont want to be honest with myself, for i do know why.Ok, thats enough Marino,lordy boy get your shit together,hehehe.Back to the subject matter at hand, Saturday, was Christenes birthday party, and jokingly I told her husband Rocky i was going to go to Spinakers that night. He then asked if I would be his d.d. for the night ,so he could go,I told him Natalie Stovall would be playing and,with that statement i knew I was really going to go.Now he did say he could not go due to it being Christenes birthday, but for myself it was like unlocking a door,and there would be no closing it,
I arrived late at the club and they had already played one set,arriving during break,which kinda got to me,oh well,i figured probably for the best anyway.You ever wanted to sit and talk with some one,and it just doesn't happen,thats me,hehehe, and it is quite simply fear,not a fear of the other person,but that dark fear,the snake coiled inside that strikes when most vulnerable,that you are not what the other sees, it is looking in a mirror,and the distortion in your mind makes you different from who you are,all the insecurities making you less then you are.BOY, I am good at messing myself up,actually I just run scared, I am who I am and thats it ,I am always afraid of coming up short,hehehehe,yeah that way too,hehehe.
The night,was amazing,I t was the Fourth of July, Christmas, and Valentines day all in one. I saw people i had not seen in a bit, the d,j, played music that made my feet twitch, and Natalie was everything I had imagined her to be. Often,when I recollect a memory, I color it and the reality is not the same as the memory,here it was similar to the truth, a symphony of everything that it was supposed to be , ecstasy, for me . The night colored ,not like the subtle colors of a rainbow,bright, striking , arrows,penetrating, exhilarating and lifting me into realms of abandonment, that i wish i could share, for here there was no fear, no hiding,I strut, I said look what you have unleashed,feel the power you have given me and so I DANCED. Not for just me,for all to see, to feel the magic created inside of me, knowing with a touch of sadness, this cant be shared, unless it is already there,this is a gift omly a few have known, but i try,and through the truth of the emotion within, some can glimpse, a taste of the nectar the gods have given me.
That look,which is all i will say, that was enough.
Sunday, I know, I could not resist,I told myself, it will not be the same, what night could possibly compare with the night before. I had left early Saturday,because i was plain scared, of someone, talking to me.Then got pissed on Sunday,because I tried to get there when the band started and got there too early, then on top of it all, I see Natalie and the band sitting at a table so I ran to the little bar,hehehe. Once they started playing it was all good, actually I was not so moved to dance as i swayed to the music,most of the night. That is not to say i did not dance it was just like I was , I really cant describe it,maybe happy,hehehe. It was good,i felt as if it was ok just to be there. A soft web enfolding you,a warmth inside,and knowing its ok, to just be. Electricity,sparking ,emotions, body and mind,and all the while it is ok. Placid, though is definitely not there, hell there was a guy kinda thick,well built and a litlle buzzed who kept bumping into me, I know he was enjoying the music, but he was interfering with me enjoying it, so i kindly grabbed his shoulder and asked him to stay out of my personal space. Lordy, I believe I pissed him off,and while he looked at me with a bit of drunken shock,he stopped to tell his friend, next to him, and me, I was trying to nonchalantly figure out where on the dance floor he was gonna knock me tooo,hehehe. It is not very often i let people get too me, but i guess this was one of those times and I am still proud of the way I stuck up to him, hehehe.Natalie did a song off her new album and the title was something like whats wrong with a dance or two, rock my world,I dont recall the lyrics but the thoughts exploded in my mind,then later on she made my night as she played at me and I danced> my best dancing it was not but she made rise to the occasion and after that set, I left, wanting to talk with her, yet scared to death. My mind, my emotions, my worst enemy. So I sit here grateful for the peace of mind i acquired while typing this out ,now with the end nearby my thoughts and feelings again start to unfold and it is ok,I am who I am and thats just me.Quite honestly I know, it is too late, I am fucked, and I am smiling so silly, but maybe it will be easier,probably not,for I am a dreamer. I want to say more but really what else can I say, it was a time that for me will always be, a dream that came true, goodnight and do you feel the love, marino.
Now I am not going to lie the way i transposed my essence into words has amazed me here,in the future,when i read this i will definitely know what i was talking about,hehehe. I swear am never gonna grow up,at the least I refuse to learn, I armor myself, my shields strong,and BAM, like a spell has been woven,they melt. Ok,so what has been going on,with you lately Marino,hmmmm. I know i am laughing to myself right now but lets do this,hehehehe. To the best of my ability,lets dance.
I teased myself this weekend,to no avail,i managed to stay home Friday night,using Christenes birthday party and the fact Donna did not go to play her bingo,as an excuse, a reason for me to stay home. I have not gone out to Spinnakers for i dont know how long,no dancing,trying to be something i am not and, you know as i say that ,I realize i have been doing that a lot, Donna , i think even suggested i go, but it just did not happen for one reason or another. I just dont want to be honest with myself, for i do know why.Ok, thats enough Marino,lordy boy get your shit together,hehehe.Back to the subject matter at hand, Saturday, was Christenes birthday party, and jokingly I told her husband Rocky i was going to go to Spinakers that night. He then asked if I would be his d.d. for the night ,so he could go,I told him Natalie Stovall would be playing and,with that statement i knew I was really going to go.Now he did say he could not go due to it being Christenes birthday, but for myself it was like unlocking a door,and there would be no closing it,
I arrived late at the club and they had already played one set,arriving during break,which kinda got to me,oh well,i figured probably for the best anyway.You ever wanted to sit and talk with some one,and it just doesn't happen,thats me,hehehe, and it is quite simply fear,not a fear of the other person,but that dark fear,the snake coiled inside that strikes when most vulnerable,that you are not what the other sees, it is looking in a mirror,and the distortion in your mind makes you different from who you are,all the insecurities making you less then you are.BOY, I am good at messing myself up,actually I just run scared, I am who I am and thats it ,I am always afraid of coming up short,hehehehe,yeah that way too,hehehe.
The night,was amazing,I t was the Fourth of July, Christmas, and Valentines day all in one. I saw people i had not seen in a bit, the d,j, played music that made my feet twitch, and Natalie was everything I had imagined her to be. Often,when I recollect a memory, I color it and the reality is not the same as the memory,here it was similar to the truth, a symphony of everything that it was supposed to be , ecstasy, for me . The night colored ,not like the subtle colors of a rainbow,bright, striking , arrows,penetrating, exhilarating and lifting me into realms of abandonment, that i wish i could share, for here there was no fear, no hiding,I strut, I said look what you have unleashed,feel the power you have given me and so I DANCED. Not for just me,for all to see, to feel the magic created inside of me, knowing with a touch of sadness, this cant be shared, unless it is already there,this is a gift omly a few have known, but i try,and through the truth of the emotion within, some can glimpse, a taste of the nectar the gods have given me.
That look,which is all i will say, that was enough.
Sunday, I know, I could not resist,I told myself, it will not be the same, what night could possibly compare with the night before. I had left early Saturday,because i was plain scared, of someone, talking to me.Then got pissed on Sunday,because I tried to get there when the band started and got there too early, then on top of it all, I see Natalie and the band sitting at a table so I ran to the little bar,hehehe. Once they started playing it was all good, actually I was not so moved to dance as i swayed to the music,most of the night. That is not to say i did not dance it was just like I was , I really cant describe it,maybe happy,hehehe. It was good,i felt as if it was ok just to be there. A soft web enfolding you,a warmth inside,and knowing its ok, to just be. Electricity,sparking ,emotions, body and mind,and all the while it is ok. Placid, though is definitely not there, hell there was a guy kinda thick,well built and a litlle buzzed who kept bumping into me, I know he was enjoying the music, but he was interfering with me enjoying it, so i kindly grabbed his shoulder and asked him to stay out of my personal space. Lordy, I believe I pissed him off,and while he looked at me with a bit of drunken shock,he stopped to tell his friend, next to him, and me, I was trying to nonchalantly figure out where on the dance floor he was gonna knock me tooo,hehehe. It is not very often i let people get too me, but i guess this was one of those times and I am still proud of the way I stuck up to him, hehehe.Natalie did a song off her new album and the title was something like whats wrong with a dance or two, rock my world,I dont recall the lyrics but the thoughts exploded in my mind,then later on she made my night as she played at me and I danced> my best dancing it was not but she made rise to the occasion and after that set, I left, wanting to talk with her, yet scared to death. My mind, my emotions, my worst enemy. So I sit here grateful for the peace of mind i acquired while typing this out ,now with the end nearby my thoughts and feelings again start to unfold and it is ok,I am who I am and thats just me.Quite honestly I know, it is too late, I am fucked, and I am smiling so silly, but maybe it will be easier,probably not,for I am a dreamer. I want to say more but really what else can I say, it was a time that for me will always be, a dream that came true, goodnight and do you feel the love, marino.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
just a few lines about whats been going on
I am a procrastinator,with this thing i swear.Sorry for the delay had to go back and read last blog so i don't say the same things,hehehehe. So, where to start , ok, lets start with today,hehe. I slept, hard, guess i am out of shape, I actually just relaxed, and could not believe how much my body ached from work. i know I need to work on a more regular basis now,hehe. I played Combat Arms for a bit, maybe an hour or so had a pretty good time, actually that is the PROBLEM, too much C/A and not enough time spent on facebook or blog. Gaming is addictive, and oh so much fun,throw in the social aspect and i can see where people get concerned over too much time spent with the devices of today and insufficient time spent with personal 1 on 1 interaction.
Last night i did Matties raceway store,right before Tyndall Air Force Base. Its a pain trying to capitalize properly,hehe, i am in a fairly good mood, if you cant tell.There is so much stuff to move and it is a fairly good sized store so the workout was intense. Then since i did not want to go through the agony of loading the big scrubber, in the van, it took longer to scrub.I really owe him for the allowing me to do the store, it needed doing no ifs or buts about it, the money was desperately needed also. I made that place look good too, plus it was a race trying to get it done before the store opened at 4, move all the displays, and put them back, but it did get done.All in all a good night.
Monday night I did Mikes store,on East ave. and hwy 98, it was bloody hell!!!! Damn sure made me appreciate going behind my own work. Since i told them i was not going to do there floors anymore they had hired another company, Alexanders, and god what a mess.Wax, dirty wax ,in layers,edges a mess and splatter every where,I swear it was like doing the Junior stores when I first started. Then, lo and behold, the clerk wants to tell me where to start, then he informs me, i have to do the office, behind the counter, and the bathrooms. I tried to tell him we needed to have started earlier if that was the case, but game on.Ahhhh,such is life, all good nothing like a challenge. i did get it done but it was not to my expectations, but they were happy, i will be doing some extra work in there for a bit, Damn it, I just realized that i forgot to charge him 25 extra for rescheduling, my baddddddd.
Before I forget, as I am do all the time, Stoney Thompson, recommended me to the Old Fashion Floor store. I can use all the help i can get, I spoke to the owner and he wants me to do a job for the Chapmans, well actually for their secretary, but i am definitely going there to impress. Who knows where a job like that can lead. Stoney also asked me to give him a call,next week about some other work. I told him I had had to borrow 20 bucks to get some smokes and stuff, in general conversation, which I am guessing made him realize i am struggling. It was nice of him and we shall see what will be. Lately, people have been stating they want work done, then something occurs which prevents or delays the job, its usually not their fault but it is killing me, well, not really but making life a little difficult for sure.
Tomorrow, I am going to go to Work Force and also to apply at another cleaning company,which is killing me. I mean, I know it is really the right thing to do, it is just. I really don't know how to explain it, I feel as if I have lost myself, as if it is an admission of being a failure. Well, i need to do it to level out the finances here, and in the big picture, I guess the destruction of myself is a small price to pay for the familys security.Family first, that is the way it should be and realistically, I am to blame also, there was so much i should have, could have, and did not. I was driving home, and the guys used to ask me to get them shirts with the company name,nope i didn't, and driving home yesterday, i decided i need to at least get some shirts ,as any advertising is better then no advertising. Who knows what kind of opportunities i passed up by not listening long ago.
So anyway enough on that before i depress myself,lordy,lordy. It is going to be a good day tomorrow and things will get better.Before i go, hehehe, while Stoney and i were talking i told him about dropping off the letter to the Lewis family,at the Express Lane office. He told me he had seen Jim Lewis the other day and that Jim barely spoke 20 words to him, this after working for them almost 8 years and that he did not think they would do anything for me. I told him maybe i was gullible, you know believing in they care, but you know, thats ok. I would much rather believe in the chance that they care, then to believe that the things they stated and their beliefs were lies, or misrepresentations.We all are human, make mistakes, etc., but some of my fondest memories are of that family giving a damn, laughing or sharing bits of knowledge with me. That is something that irregardless of what my future holds will always be there. On that happy note, i bid thee adieu, untill next time, may there be a smile on your face ,a jump in your step and love in your life, later, marino.
Last night i did Matties raceway store,right before Tyndall Air Force Base. Its a pain trying to capitalize properly,hehe, i am in a fairly good mood, if you cant tell.There is so much stuff to move and it is a fairly good sized store so the workout was intense. Then since i did not want to go through the agony of loading the big scrubber, in the van, it took longer to scrub.I really owe him for the allowing me to do the store, it needed doing no ifs or buts about it, the money was desperately needed also. I made that place look good too, plus it was a race trying to get it done before the store opened at 4, move all the displays, and put them back, but it did get done.All in all a good night.
Monday night I did Mikes store,on East ave. and hwy 98, it was bloody hell!!!! Damn sure made me appreciate going behind my own work. Since i told them i was not going to do there floors anymore they had hired another company, Alexanders, and god what a mess.Wax, dirty wax ,in layers,edges a mess and splatter every where,I swear it was like doing the Junior stores when I first started. Then, lo and behold, the clerk wants to tell me where to start, then he informs me, i have to do the office, behind the counter, and the bathrooms. I tried to tell him we needed to have started earlier if that was the case, but game on.Ahhhh,such is life, all good nothing like a challenge. i did get it done but it was not to my expectations, but they were happy, i will be doing some extra work in there for a bit, Damn it, I just realized that i forgot to charge him 25 extra for rescheduling, my baddddddd.
Before I forget, as I am do all the time, Stoney Thompson, recommended me to the Old Fashion Floor store. I can use all the help i can get, I spoke to the owner and he wants me to do a job for the Chapmans, well actually for their secretary, but i am definitely going there to impress. Who knows where a job like that can lead. Stoney also asked me to give him a call,next week about some other work. I told him I had had to borrow 20 bucks to get some smokes and stuff, in general conversation, which I am guessing made him realize i am struggling. It was nice of him and we shall see what will be. Lately, people have been stating they want work done, then something occurs which prevents or delays the job, its usually not their fault but it is killing me, well, not really but making life a little difficult for sure.
Tomorrow, I am going to go to Work Force and also to apply at another cleaning company,which is killing me. I mean, I know it is really the right thing to do, it is just. I really don't know how to explain it, I feel as if I have lost myself, as if it is an admission of being a failure. Well, i need to do it to level out the finances here, and in the big picture, I guess the destruction of myself is a small price to pay for the familys security.Family first, that is the way it should be and realistically, I am to blame also, there was so much i should have, could have, and did not. I was driving home, and the guys used to ask me to get them shirts with the company name,nope i didn't, and driving home yesterday, i decided i need to at least get some shirts ,as any advertising is better then no advertising. Who knows what kind of opportunities i passed up by not listening long ago.
So anyway enough on that before i depress myself,lordy,lordy. It is going to be a good day tomorrow and things will get better.Before i go, hehehe, while Stoney and i were talking i told him about dropping off the letter to the Lewis family,at the Express Lane office. He told me he had seen Jim Lewis the other day and that Jim barely spoke 20 words to him, this after working for them almost 8 years and that he did not think they would do anything for me. I told him maybe i was gullible, you know believing in they care, but you know, thats ok. I would much rather believe in the chance that they care, then to believe that the things they stated and their beliefs were lies, or misrepresentations.We all are human, make mistakes, etc., but some of my fondest memories are of that family giving a damn, laughing or sharing bits of knowledge with me. That is something that irregardless of what my future holds will always be there. On that happy note, i bid thee adieu, untill next time, may there be a smile on your face ,a jump in your step and love in your life, later, marino.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
getting it done
Yeahhhhh,I made some progress today. Registered at Work Force,got 2 stores back, wrote a letter to the Lewis family,previous owners of Express Lane,went to Legal Services, and it all went surprisingly well. Keep this up and I will shock myself,hehehehe. It is always amazing to me, when i actually get things accomplished, I just put one foot in front of the other,get one thing done and the rest kinda falls into place,because I am so happy i got the first thing done.
First thing i did was talk to the owner of a couple of stores and made sure we were on the same page,before I agreed to the jobs. I gave him a good deal as, quite simply I need the work, then he tried to get a better deal. I stood up for myself, explained the cost in supplies,etc,, and was surprised by the fact, once he was made aware of everything, he agreed it was fair. Lo, shocked I was, plus he had tried another company and the results were not as good as mine,so that helped also.
Actually,that was second first I stopped at Legal Services, to investigate what i could do about situation with Express Lane,and Tom Thumb. Mainly, Express Lane, as Rep. Patronis is working on the Tom Thumb situation, it tuns out they mainly deal with divorces and family stuff, they did recommend I attend a Legal Clinic this Saturday at Gulf Coast Community College,so we will see what transpires then. It does give me time to get everything together and maybe I will get lucky,hehehe.
Work Force, psychologically, that was the most difficult. It was difficult, because once i walked in, I was admitting not only that i needed help, but also the potential end of a part of my life,my own bussiness. The people there were very helpful, turning my awkward feeling of helplessness into, a feeling of normalcy. Any questions i had were answered as quickly as possible and when stumped, they would discuss the situation ensuring the right info was given.Positive experience,to be honest,walked out feeling better then when I walked in.
SHOCKER, after i got all this done i came home, wife was napping,I was on the computer just messing around and someone knocks on the door. Kevin, guy who used to work for me came by,had been about 2 or 3 years since i last saw him. He had been in town for a bit, noticed my van,hehehe, yes it is that well known and stopped by to say hi. It was funny , or just the timing was weird, with all that has been going on. We talked about all that has gone on in our lives since we last saw one another, he had hopes of hitting it big as a D.J., and I told him about work. He was nice enough to tell me that he really appreciated the fact I had given him a chance and that while he had been away he had reflected on the fact that I had never been about the money for myself, tried to help others, himself included and that his experiences afterwards had really made him appreciate me, and my efforts ,to make his life a better one.He was upfront with me telling me how things had gone, mainly from good to bad and what a roller coaster it had become.We both laughed as he told me how he would tell stories of what it was like working for me and how much he enjoyed coming to work,until, I would tell him that we were going out to strip a floor. He said as soon as he would hear that he knew the day was going to get crazy,hehehe. Sitting together, sharing stories, I was reborn with pride in what i had accomplished,not just him, but others that came up in conversation. He refreshed my memories of the good things I had done, made me realize it did have positive results and to a few, I had made a difference. What else can you ask for, too often we want to help and cant,here i was able to do something, my time , my business may be coming to an end, not without a fight, but if it does, there will be people who will remember me as a person who tried to help others.
I know i could have done better, I realize now many lessons or bits of advice, that I did not pay attention too. Funny, because, i always was willing to listen to others, I guess that hearing someone state things we dont want to hear, causes a loss in the art of listening, while you hear what they say. Confusing I know, but it really is true. Hahahaha.
I had time to type this as Combat Arms went down for maintenance, unexpected, but sometimes the unexpected is the best kind. Therefore my new post, hehehehe, andddddd, i just discovered they are going to have weapons available for game points-gp-which is a rarity in itself. In game i am rich,hahaha, over a million GP, which means i can afford to buy a couple of things. I was excited to hear the first weapon was the g36, until, I realized I already have one.Hehehehe, and you can not gift permanent weapons in game either, that is not very smart on their part, because a lot of people are willing to gift others not as fortunate as themselves.Well, time to check out the game,see if its up and have some fun, it has been a good day,love ya ,marino.
First thing i did was talk to the owner of a couple of stores and made sure we were on the same page,before I agreed to the jobs. I gave him a good deal as, quite simply I need the work, then he tried to get a better deal. I stood up for myself, explained the cost in supplies,etc,, and was surprised by the fact, once he was made aware of everything, he agreed it was fair. Lo, shocked I was, plus he had tried another company and the results were not as good as mine,so that helped also.
Actually,that was second first I stopped at Legal Services, to investigate what i could do about situation with Express Lane,and Tom Thumb. Mainly, Express Lane, as Rep. Patronis is working on the Tom Thumb situation, it tuns out they mainly deal with divorces and family stuff, they did recommend I attend a Legal Clinic this Saturday at Gulf Coast Community College,so we will see what transpires then. It does give me time to get everything together and maybe I will get lucky,hehehe.
Work Force, psychologically, that was the most difficult. It was difficult, because once i walked in, I was admitting not only that i needed help, but also the potential end of a part of my life,my own bussiness. The people there were very helpful, turning my awkward feeling of helplessness into, a feeling of normalcy. Any questions i had were answered as quickly as possible and when stumped, they would discuss the situation ensuring the right info was given.Positive experience,to be honest,walked out feeling better then when I walked in.
SHOCKER, after i got all this done i came home, wife was napping,I was on the computer just messing around and someone knocks on the door. Kevin, guy who used to work for me came by,had been about 2 or 3 years since i last saw him. He had been in town for a bit, noticed my van,hehehe, yes it is that well known and stopped by to say hi. It was funny , or just the timing was weird, with all that has been going on. We talked about all that has gone on in our lives since we last saw one another, he had hopes of hitting it big as a D.J., and I told him about work. He was nice enough to tell me that he really appreciated the fact I had given him a chance and that while he had been away he had reflected on the fact that I had never been about the money for myself, tried to help others, himself included and that his experiences afterwards had really made him appreciate me, and my efforts ,to make his life a better one.He was upfront with me telling me how things had gone, mainly from good to bad and what a roller coaster it had become.We both laughed as he told me how he would tell stories of what it was like working for me and how much he enjoyed coming to work,until, I would tell him that we were going out to strip a floor. He said as soon as he would hear that he knew the day was going to get crazy,hehehe. Sitting together, sharing stories, I was reborn with pride in what i had accomplished,not just him, but others that came up in conversation. He refreshed my memories of the good things I had done, made me realize it did have positive results and to a few, I had made a difference. What else can you ask for, too often we want to help and cant,here i was able to do something, my time , my business may be coming to an end, not without a fight, but if it does, there will be people who will remember me as a person who tried to help others.
I know i could have done better, I realize now many lessons or bits of advice, that I did not pay attention too. Funny, because, i always was willing to listen to others, I guess that hearing someone state things we dont want to hear, causes a loss in the art of listening, while you hear what they say. Confusing I know, but it really is true. Hahahaha.
I had time to type this as Combat Arms went down for maintenance, unexpected, but sometimes the unexpected is the best kind. Therefore my new post, hehehehe, andddddd, i just discovered they are going to have weapons available for game points-gp-which is a rarity in itself. In game i am rich,hahaha, over a million GP, which means i can afford to buy a couple of things. I was excited to hear the first weapon was the g36, until, I realized I already have one.Hehehehe, and you can not gift permanent weapons in game either, that is not very smart on their part, because a lot of people are willing to gift others not as fortunate as themselves.Well, time to check out the game,see if its up and have some fun, it has been a good day,love ya ,marino.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Westcoastkillers
I am joining a clan today,momentous event, in Combat Arms, called Westcoastkillers. It is run a guy called Greatfullded, we have known one another since my Xconz days.The clan has been around since Combat Arms started, and is one of the few that are well respected, in the game. It is an invitation only, and they have to know you awhile before even thinking of extending an invitation. I am honored , by the invitation and also sad, because my heart will never forget Xconz. I learned so much from my first clan, and our little community was well respected and feared,hehehehe. Unfortunately it only takes one bad apple to spoil the basket, which is what happened there, and alas our family is no more. To me as a gamer, my clan is all. I share the same things ,even more actually, as i do with my family. Here you are yourself, sharing those things you cant in the real world,problems,states of mind, and the little joys that come our way. Acceptance is based on the person you are in game, the greatest gift is here you can be you, no worries about looks,race, religion.
Its funny, i used to have skill at this game and now i am terrible,hehehehe. In time i am sure i will improve, but at least they are basing the desire to be clanmates on me as a person. Clans, are family to an old timer like me, and not something to be taken lightly. In todays gaming , so many young people join a clan and have no idea of what type of relationship is possible. As a result they jump from clan to clan not taking time to bond with their clannies, and miss out on the possibilities. In Xconz we not only talked about the game ,life, etc., we would help one another out, from help on a car, to buying things for clanmates who were in rough times or could not afford something.
It has taken a long time for me to be able to take this step, there was so much damage from the aftermath of Xconz disbanding, i think I felt as if i was going through a divorce, or taken away from my family. I may play the carefree type, but i hide the hurt, and it takes me time to overcome ,plus it is also putting yourself out there, no hiding as you have made a commitment, to your new found family. I just hope I have made the right decision, I fel like a groom the day before the wedding,hehehe. Fear, to possibly lose the opportunity of enjoying their companionship, and being a part of something that greater, for all its parts, that pushes also.One of the worst things in life, i believe is to ask yourself that question,what if?
Life is good. I got some work, not a lot but it did help a lot,hehehe. I also,swallowed my pride and am going to do some work for somebody who upset me. This time my eyes are open and i am becoming more and more aware that people don't necessarily think the same as i do. In addition I am going to apply for a job at the new General Dynamics office they are opening here for medicaid and such.Guess it is time to search other revenues of income, I can not seem to get my act together with getting contracts, in addition, I am afraid I will get a contract and something will go wrong again.It is a trust issue, one I never thought I would have.SAD!!!!!
This is such a weird time,I actually wanted to spend a lot more time here today but have actually ran out of things to say in anticipation of going in game,hehehehe. Oh yeah, the other night i was watching t.v. and a movie called The Mob,was on, simply great dance movie, which i enjoyed very much.Until the next time,love ya,marino.
Its funny, i used to have skill at this game and now i am terrible,hehehehe. In time i am sure i will improve, but at least they are basing the desire to be clanmates on me as a person. Clans, are family to an old timer like me, and not something to be taken lightly. In todays gaming , so many young people join a clan and have no idea of what type of relationship is possible. As a result they jump from clan to clan not taking time to bond with their clannies, and miss out on the possibilities. In Xconz we not only talked about the game ,life, etc., we would help one another out, from help on a car, to buying things for clanmates who were in rough times or could not afford something.
It has taken a long time for me to be able to take this step, there was so much damage from the aftermath of Xconz disbanding, i think I felt as if i was going through a divorce, or taken away from my family. I may play the carefree type, but i hide the hurt, and it takes me time to overcome ,plus it is also putting yourself out there, no hiding as you have made a commitment, to your new found family. I just hope I have made the right decision, I fel like a groom the day before the wedding,hehehe. Fear, to possibly lose the opportunity of enjoying their companionship, and being a part of something that greater, for all its parts, that pushes also.One of the worst things in life, i believe is to ask yourself that question,what if?
Life is good. I got some work, not a lot but it did help a lot,hehehe. I also,swallowed my pride and am going to do some work for somebody who upset me. This time my eyes are open and i am becoming more and more aware that people don't necessarily think the same as i do. In addition I am going to apply for a job at the new General Dynamics office they are opening here for medicaid and such.Guess it is time to search other revenues of income, I can not seem to get my act together with getting contracts, in addition, I am afraid I will get a contract and something will go wrong again.It is a trust issue, one I never thought I would have.SAD!!!!!
This is such a weird time,I actually wanted to spend a lot more time here today but have actually ran out of things to say in anticipation of going in game,hehehehe. Oh yeah, the other night i was watching t.v. and a movie called The Mob,was on, simply great dance movie, which i enjoyed very much.Until the next time,love ya,marino.
Friday, August 2, 2013
heaven and hell
Really, I thought of that today, but in what context i have no idea,hehehe. Like a dust mote flashing in the haze of a flickering flash of sunlight, it appeared and was gone. It flashed and now like an object, you intend to through in the trash, but just keep moving about, the thought wont leave my mind.The wife lost her job,unfortunately, and work I had been counting upon fell through. Now i am concerned over my contract with Origin condominiums, and , whats worse, my lack of desire to go out.Money, well thats life, i mean we do need it to survive, but the lack of desire, to dance, that scares me. Frustrated, upset, my gaming gone to hell, oh I so want to scream, it wont do any good, so why do it. Placid ,too much so, i feel sometimes. Energy, i have in abundance, yet as much as I get upset, i do not allow myself to explode, or act out of character. I may have stifled my emotions for so long, I am no longer capable of feeling. Is it possible that my shell has grown inwards, surrounding my emotions to the point of non feeling? A diminished point, perhaps, which allows me to exist without risk?
So, whats upppppp, enough, time to recall some good things that have occurred,hehehe.I got an unexpected job yesterday which made 200 dollars, a friend from the past, Justin ,recommended me to this guy, and he had vct in the garage. It was fun, i was able to enjoy the sunshine, do the work, and as the owner said " I wish i had taken a picture of the before and after.", oh yeah good ,love doing my floors and the more difficult the better,hehehe. Now he doesn't want to put anything inside, loving it I am. Evidently, his wife is a bigwig in something also, if that sounds evasive, it was nowhere near as evasive as he was about his wife's job, which I will confess, has made me curious. I will find out though,hehehehe.
Oh, no!!!!!! No music on, duhhhhhhhh, at home alone and not even listening, how sad, hold on brb,hehehe. Awesome,first song is I Think I Would Have a Heart Attack,blistering way to start my jam on. Talking about, reality shows> The thought came up ,watching MTV, Big Brother flashed ,so here we go. How about unreality shows, yes, i know, it is like watching people in a fishbowl, they are all aware of the cameras though and I believe they do act in relationship, with the cameras.It would be different if there was no knowledge of the filming but every reality show is staged, i mean can you imagine the difference if they were not aware of them. Now that would surely be more boring, but when there were popping events , I assure you they would be popping . The question now is ,are we in such need of excitement we have to have drame, through others, in order to make it worthwhile to watch these shows. If this is the case then we are in trouble, believe me i can find plenty of drama just going on my game, and in my life, there is enough there to appreciate a moment like this. Happy I am just typing ,listening to my music and trying to figure out where my head is,hehehe.
Work, I believe I may be developing laziness, not a trait to be proud of. To go on, the work I was supposed to do last month will actually be occurring this month, thankfully. Pizza place called to affirm work on their floors and county states we should be doing something this month. Bad boy , Marino, still has not typed out a sheet of references, and a little insert about the business , so he can go out and hustle some work. Now that i put it here, I will hopefully get it done. Silly, it may seem, i have found that I do not like looking at the blog and having something here that makes me feel as if i quit. Silly,silly me,hehehe. I have not messed with the pond too much, pissed cause it wont clar, at the same time, i know switching one of the outlets may help. Now I have taken care of it, simply because i was cleaning out the weeds and did not want to face the fact that i was too lazy to at least switch out the hoses. Ah woe is me ,hehehehe
The other day, Madison had to stay with us, due to her having a bad case of blemishes on her face and all. I truly enjoyed the time we spent together, and it also opened my eyes a little. It has beem months since i have done any baking, partially due to my worry over gaining weight and also no one seemed to enjoy the food or rather appreciate it. Madison wanted to bake some brownies, at first i said no, eventually it happened. How can you say no, heheheh, we had a great time making them, unfortunately, they were hard as a rock,hehehe , but still the joy was great. Next she wants to clean , I have not cleaned up the house or have been doing the minimum to get by. Normally this is not me, I let her vacuum and started cleaning the rest of the house, it was amazing . She reminded me of the joy and i felt good about the house, in addition i came to realise, part of my problem is that i am lonely. Little Madison and I actually had a good time together, which is rare, in that, the things I enjoy doing , no one else do I have to share them with. Stagnancy ,can become a dangerous situation, leading to dis function of myself as a whole. Humans need fireworks of some sort, a stimulus that creates the need to go out of the box, one which stretches us to go further then the time before. This is what creates and defines us, any one can live life, I want to be alive in this life. I like the way I said that, hehehehe, so now i have to go walk my talk and do some gaming ,and improve it. Anyone who reads this, and likes first person shooters the game is Combat Arms and my handle is marinokv , iI am off now, loving the game , that we call life and yes it does get better. love to ya, me
So, whats upppppp, enough, time to recall some good things that have occurred,hehehe.I got an unexpected job yesterday which made 200 dollars, a friend from the past, Justin ,recommended me to this guy, and he had vct in the garage. It was fun, i was able to enjoy the sunshine, do the work, and as the owner said " I wish i had taken a picture of the before and after.", oh yeah good ,love doing my floors and the more difficult the better,hehehe. Now he doesn't want to put anything inside, loving it I am. Evidently, his wife is a bigwig in something also, if that sounds evasive, it was nowhere near as evasive as he was about his wife's job, which I will confess, has made me curious. I will find out though,hehehehe.
Oh, no!!!!!! No music on, duhhhhhhhh, at home alone and not even listening, how sad, hold on brb,hehehe. Awesome,first song is I Think I Would Have a Heart Attack,blistering way to start my jam on. Talking about, reality shows> The thought came up ,watching MTV, Big Brother flashed ,so here we go. How about unreality shows, yes, i know, it is like watching people in a fishbowl, they are all aware of the cameras though and I believe they do act in relationship, with the cameras.It would be different if there was no knowledge of the filming but every reality show is staged, i mean can you imagine the difference if they were not aware of them. Now that would surely be more boring, but when there were popping events , I assure you they would be popping . The question now is ,are we in such need of excitement we have to have drame, through others, in order to make it worthwhile to watch these shows. If this is the case then we are in trouble, believe me i can find plenty of drama just going on my game, and in my life, there is enough there to appreciate a moment like this. Happy I am just typing ,listening to my music and trying to figure out where my head is,hehehe.
Work, I believe I may be developing laziness, not a trait to be proud of. To go on, the work I was supposed to do last month will actually be occurring this month, thankfully. Pizza place called to affirm work on their floors and county states we should be doing something this month. Bad boy , Marino, still has not typed out a sheet of references, and a little insert about the business , so he can go out and hustle some work. Now that i put it here, I will hopefully get it done. Silly, it may seem, i have found that I do not like looking at the blog and having something here that makes me feel as if i quit. Silly,silly me,hehehe. I have not messed with the pond too much, pissed cause it wont clar, at the same time, i know switching one of the outlets may help. Now I have taken care of it, simply because i was cleaning out the weeds and did not want to face the fact that i was too lazy to at least switch out the hoses. Ah woe is me ,hehehehe
The other day, Madison had to stay with us, due to her having a bad case of blemishes on her face and all. I truly enjoyed the time we spent together, and it also opened my eyes a little. It has beem months since i have done any baking, partially due to my worry over gaining weight and also no one seemed to enjoy the food or rather appreciate it. Madison wanted to bake some brownies, at first i said no, eventually it happened. How can you say no, heheheh, we had a great time making them, unfortunately, they were hard as a rock,hehehe , but still the joy was great. Next she wants to clean , I have not cleaned up the house or have been doing the minimum to get by. Normally this is not me, I let her vacuum and started cleaning the rest of the house, it was amazing . She reminded me of the joy and i felt good about the house, in addition i came to realise, part of my problem is that i am lonely. Little Madison and I actually had a good time together, which is rare, in that, the things I enjoy doing , no one else do I have to share them with. Stagnancy ,can become a dangerous situation, leading to dis function of myself as a whole. Humans need fireworks of some sort, a stimulus that creates the need to go out of the box, one which stretches us to go further then the time before. This is what creates and defines us, any one can live life, I want to be alive in this life. I like the way I said that, hehehehe, so now i have to go walk my talk and do some gaming ,and improve it. Anyone who reads this, and likes first person shooters the game is Combat Arms and my handle is marinokv , iI am off now, loving the game , that we call life and yes it does get better. love to ya, me
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