well,well,yesterdayyyyyy,what a day.its funny,56 years old and still learning that acting like a grown up,not only sucks,the knowledge of doing the right thing dosent prevent you from suffering even if doing the right thing.lordy,lordy,you,are probably imagining some kind of blown up dilemma,when it realistically,at least in real world perspective was quite simple.as i am a rather complex person,hahaha,and an over emotional child,hehehe,we are going to have to step back a little bit,in order for me to to tell you enough to comprehend,damn that sounded good,did it not,hehehe.
this last year has been one of difficult financial times,the same for a lot of people,one of the goals i set for myself at the beginning of this situation was to get a new pond liner for our koi pond.the liner itself is 270.00,twice before i had managed to save up the money,only to have to use it for something else.what i do is save the money,from the previous weeks work and hold till the next payday,that way if an emergency or a situation occurred it would be kinda like a reserve.no,i used to make it and then spend it,however due to the finances and problems of the last year i have learned a little.the mortgage was also due,but i must confess,i usually run late paying it and most important of all,FACEBOOK WAS COMING OUT TOMORROW!!!!!
Ok,to most not a big deal,to me the ipo,i had been dreaming of participating in.this goes back to a more financially stable part of my life,when my wife and i first met,my job consisted of trading stocks at home,i was what they referred to as a day trader,private,just for myself,but fairly successful at it.to some it may not seem like much,but i had due to my trades recieved an inquiry from my fidelity broker about working there,and in addition managed to support us for 4 years before i started making mistakes resulting from,playing with scared money.soooo,i quit playing,even though my wife still believed in me,i could not risk what i had left.
back to the present,i picked up my paycheck,and went home.as i stated earlier i had managed to save the money from the pond liner but had gone through about half of it as my check was a day late,figuring on replenishing it from the check,no problem.during my wait i had been watching cnbc which i do almost religiously,all the hype was on the facebook ipo coming out on friday.all day i had been contemplating taking my money,opening an account and playing off the ipo.of course in my mind it was going to double or at least go up by half,so it was going to be in and out,quick money.the following morning i tried to disscuss my idea with my wife,to no avail,she would not even let me try to get my idea across.
now,i am pissed,i sit on the couch and think how screwed up things in my life are,YES,I AM FEELING SORRY FOR ME,SO there.i am watching cnbc,hearing all the hype over facebook,getting mad at the world.now one of the people i listen to on cnbc is,jim cramer,who i think is pretty smart.now he advises against buying an ipo on the initial day,due to the markets voliability.the more i sit there,the worst i feel,and i am evens beginning to get upset with myself.soooooooooo,i decide to do the right thing,at least in my mind.i get up ,head for the door and tell my wife i am going to pay the mortgage,get in the van heading for friendly check cashing.trying hard to hold the tears back,telling myself iwas doing the right thing,fighting the child in me that wanted oh so bad to buy my facebook stock,while arguing that i would not be able to live with myself if the stock had tanked.paying the mortgage that was a neccisity,putting it off till next week if i lost that was a possibility,but risking it all when i had worked so hard to get this far,oh the sweetness of going back to my previous ways beckoned like water in dry desert,teary eyed and full of resolve,anger at everything including myself,for getting in this predicament.if only,you would not believe the way i beat myself,on that ride.my wife calls as i get about 2/3 of the way there,asking me if i had wanted to use the money for the facebook ipo,telling me she did not realize until after i left,why i would not quit watching it.she told me to go ahead and open an account if i thought it was the right thing to do.now i even had the wifes permission,i kept driving,right up to friendly check cashing,went inside and proceeded to pay my mortgage.the clerk noticing how upset i was,all teary eyed,asked what was wrong.i told her,that even at 56,i was still trying to be a grown up,and that it sucked.paid the mortgage.
i get home,walking quickly to the bedroom,hand my wife,in the kitchen the reciept for the mortgage,and sitting on the bed,cried like a baby.i buried my face in the pillow and sobbed,and sobbed.thoughts of all my conflicting desires,the ipo,my wife not listening,her show of belief in me,wanting to be who i had been,carefree,the reality of living by lifes rules,and the knowledge others depend on me doing the right thing,swept through my mind like an avalanche sweeping the mountainside.you know,i made it,all was good,the night came and i managed to have a fairly pleasant one.i watched cnbc,and it was ok,i still thought there was going to be one hell of a day,even if i was just a spectator.so set the alarm and went to sleep setting the alarm to get up in time for the ipo.
i cant believe i got up on time,working nights,well you can imagine,but,i did.glorious,glorious,way to start the day,life is great,but i had forgotten the rush of adrenaline,the feeling its you against the world,and most importantly the knowledge that you were going to come out ahead at the end of the day.ahhhh,how can you describe a passion,its feeling,the knowledge that its all on you,i cant but if you ever loved doing something,you know.facebook,its ipo,fizzled,according to my expectations,the joy of watching,the intensity of feelings that had been buried,that came back,and there is always another stock,some other day,when i can afford it.i enjoyed myself today,i am even kinda proud of myself today,but most of all i can say i am at peace today.still cant wait for tomorrow though,hehehehe.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
stormy girl
Yesterday i had to work,my wife was coming back from boston today,after her dads funeral and i wanted to spend today with her,as a result,i also missed,stormys birthday party.i had to go to work in tallahassee,giving me 2 hours of drive and thinking time.naturally,i thought of my wife,the times she had been going through,which have been pretty rough,but what really surprised me was the amount of feeling and thought i had over missing stormys bday.stormy and i,the debt i owe her for the lessons she taught me,well,forever will i remain indebted.
the story,a little long in the tooth,is one of a miracle.i jest you not,but,and you knew there would be one didnt you,hehehe,first you have to learn more about me.i apologize,but will try to keep it as brief as possible.ok?so lets begin a tale of life,mine and allow me to share one of its wondrous moments,magical in its own way.
I was the oldest of 3 children,my mother European,dad an army man.mom,i could write a book on,suffice it to say,she was of true nobility and her beauty was such that she modeled for black velvet,and other things.dad,raised hard and fast,in italian style,always being held responsible,not only for his actions but his siblings also.it was a marriage of rocky roads,dad being posted to different places,mom unaccustomed to the life of an army wife,or the responsibilitys of a mother,having been raised by nannys herself.at one time when i was around 9 or10,the state took us from our mother and placed us in some sort of foster care,she did get us back after about 5 or 6 months.then the circus began,between the the age of 11 and 17,my mother married 4 more times,my father 3.i left home when about 13 the first time and stayed in touch with my both sides,coming back occasionally to mom and staying in touch with dad.keeping an eye out for my siblings,and developing a strong dislike for step parents.the only good one we had was my fathers last wife,he finally got a wonderful person,we all loved,she stayed with him till his death a couple of years ago,he was blessed with her.enough said for now,you have some idea of my feelings about step parents and the basis for it.
when i was 18,i joined the navy,met a woman,an hour later i told my dad i was gonna marry her and lordy,i did.heaven,its the only way i can describe it.we had 3 boys,i had left the service,as my wife could not take the separation,due to my sub going out.coming home from college 1 night,my wife had gone mental,was instutionalized and state took kids.after she got out,the state gave her the children,which i thought was great,because no child could want a better mother.while working in al.i recieved a phone call from a friend in ma.telling me my wife was losing kids,i quit work and got back saw he kids,and wife,came back the next day all gone.tried to info from friends and in laws,no one knew what happened.years later,after having exhausted all resources,i discovered she had left with some guy,had mental breakdown,and given the children to state.
i remarried when i was about 35,to my wife now of 20 years,who had 4 children of her own.because of my past,i promised the children that i would not leave until they were of legal age no matter what.their father was still alive,i told them i would be their friend,that he would be their father always.so i proceeded to due the best i could,always mindful of my past,i also stressed the importance of blood,in reference to family.my wife and i would occasionally try to find some info,in reference to my kids,to no avail.honestly i thought of it as a lost cause.christine,the youngest of the 3 girls got married and pregnant,her husband rocky had stayed with us for awhile,and was definately a good guy.sometimes i wondered how he dealt with her though,hehehehe,ahhhh,teenagers in love,a joy,tumultous but a joy to watch.
stormy,is born,happy for them no big deal,i did not really want anything to do with her. definitely no desire to hold her,bond with her,hell who knows how long i would be around,no sense in developing an emotional bond,standoffish i am.then christine had to go back to work,so the wife starts babysitting,ughh,but i dealt with it.i helped,as little as possible i admit,and refused to be called grandpa,not my blood,you know.i honestly dont know when or what the hell happened,sometimes the wife would need a break,and i would fill in,feeding her,burping her,or just holding her to keep her quiet while her grandma napped.then she got a few months older started taking her out in the stroller and we would have conversations about birds and stuff we saw.ok,i talked,but she listened and her smile,coupled with that laugh,made me want to talk more.then the wife had to go to boston and i was stuck babysitting.im getting teary eyed now,but tears of joy,i could not believe that i was beginning to actually enjoy her company,even taking a secret joy when she cried leaving to go home,why i dont know,i guessed i was just the best babysitter in the world.ahhhhhh,stormy the magic you work.when my children were born,i worked and the wife she took care of them completely,i know i must have,but i cant recall ever giving them a bottle or changing a diaper.stormy,i did it all,and in return she played with me,listened to me,took walks,never complaining,always trusting in that i would do what was best for her.on our walks,everyone complimented her and i cant lie,i quietly took pride showing her off.i also began to feel an empathy with her when mom or dad picked her up,her tears led to a sodden feeling inside of me.there where even times i would find myself unexpectedly thinking of her while she was at home.worrying if mom or dad called,saying she was not acting well.the wife came back,lo and behold,i remained the primary sitter,it just happened,wife had stuff to do and stormy and i,we had grown accustomed to one another.besides,the few times stormy would get upset,cry,she would only stop if i held her.stormy,she trusted me to care for her,she made no judgments on me,she never made me feel that i was not giving her enough attention and was attentive in receiving the attention i gave her.she always let me know with her smile or laugh how happy i made her,she would be content with a few seconds of attention,if i was occupied with something,and she always made me feel more then,rather then less,never berated the fact i enjoyed playing like a child with her,telling me to act my age.ahhh,my stormy girl,you taught me what unconditional love is truly all about,and in the process you made my heart flower with the passion of a red rose and the brillant shine of a diamond held to the suns rays.
i,one of the most emotional people,i know,never realized how i had enclosed my heart,distancing myself from hurt,and while i could love,i feared being loved,having it taken from me or possibly coincidentally hurting someone i loved.my wife's children i grew to love,not allowing them to know how much and i am sure that i hurt them by distancing them,always thinking it was best for them,what if i died,or there was a divorce,what part of there life would i be?none.so why allow any pain,i did not want them to feel any pain,besides i am different from anyone else,what loss would there be,people always state by insisting i be true to myself i am always causing embarrassment or a problem,so they are better off by not having me be an important part of their life.i did do the best i could,not the best i wanted,no excuses,but my life they did not lead,according to my perception i did ok.i kept my word,even when rough i stayed with my wife,i never intentionally hurt them,and i always accepted them for themselves.
stormy girl,you made no rules,i never once was,the words,how can i describe,being loved so much,and knowing it was love for me the person i am,never having to be other then,your laugh or smile always encouraging me,giving me the desire to do more.stormy showed me there was no shame in my game,love conquering all.the magic she shared with me,those eyes trusting me,and the tears i shared with you when you went home each day,even though hidden on the inside.you made me whole,gave my life a beauty,hidden in the dark thorns of my past.the magic you wove, enlightened my life and the lives of all i know.the love i give to your family,and those dear to you,is richer for your teachings,the love i have for others,open,undemanding as you taught me.the pain i feel from love unrealized is there with pride,for you taught me it is a gift,which asks for not in return.me,stormy you taught me,for all my strange ways,different though i am,acceptance,love for me,and a fierce pride in who i am,for stormy you,out of all others ,showed me you love me for me,and that my love for you,well,it was enough,to make you happy.
the story,a little long in the tooth,is one of a miracle.i jest you not,but,and you knew there would be one didnt you,hehehe,first you have to learn more about me.i apologize,but will try to keep it as brief as possible.ok?so lets begin a tale of life,mine and allow me to share one of its wondrous moments,magical in its own way.
I was the oldest of 3 children,my mother European,dad an army man.mom,i could write a book on,suffice it to say,she was of true nobility and her beauty was such that she modeled for black velvet,and other things.dad,raised hard and fast,in italian style,always being held responsible,not only for his actions but his siblings also.it was a marriage of rocky roads,dad being posted to different places,mom unaccustomed to the life of an army wife,or the responsibilitys of a mother,having been raised by nannys herself.at one time when i was around 9 or10,the state took us from our mother and placed us in some sort of foster care,she did get us back after about 5 or 6 months.then the circus began,between the the age of 11 and 17,my mother married 4 more times,my father 3.i left home when about 13 the first time and stayed in touch with my both sides,coming back occasionally to mom and staying in touch with dad.keeping an eye out for my siblings,and developing a strong dislike for step parents.the only good one we had was my fathers last wife,he finally got a wonderful person,we all loved,she stayed with him till his death a couple of years ago,he was blessed with her.enough said for now,you have some idea of my feelings about step parents and the basis for it.
when i was 18,i joined the navy,met a woman,an hour later i told my dad i was gonna marry her and lordy,i did.heaven,its the only way i can describe it.we had 3 boys,i had left the service,as my wife could not take the separation,due to my sub going out.coming home from college 1 night,my wife had gone mental,was instutionalized and state took kids.after she got out,the state gave her the children,which i thought was great,because no child could want a better mother.while working in al.i recieved a phone call from a friend in ma.telling me my wife was losing kids,i quit work and got back saw he kids,and wife,came back the next day all gone.tried to info from friends and in laws,no one knew what happened.years later,after having exhausted all resources,i discovered she had left with some guy,had mental breakdown,and given the children to state.
i remarried when i was about 35,to my wife now of 20 years,who had 4 children of her own.because of my past,i promised the children that i would not leave until they were of legal age no matter what.their father was still alive,i told them i would be their friend,that he would be their father always.so i proceeded to due the best i could,always mindful of my past,i also stressed the importance of blood,in reference to family.my wife and i would occasionally try to find some info,in reference to my kids,to no avail.honestly i thought of it as a lost cause.christine,the youngest of the 3 girls got married and pregnant,her husband rocky had stayed with us for awhile,and was definately a good guy.sometimes i wondered how he dealt with her though,hehehehe,ahhhh,teenagers in love,a joy,tumultous but a joy to watch.
stormy,is born,happy for them no big deal,i did not really want anything to do with her. definitely no desire to hold her,bond with her,hell who knows how long i would be around,no sense in developing an emotional bond,standoffish i am.then christine had to go back to work,so the wife starts babysitting,ughh,but i dealt with it.i helped,as little as possible i admit,and refused to be called grandpa,not my blood,you know.i honestly dont know when or what the hell happened,sometimes the wife would need a break,and i would fill in,feeding her,burping her,or just holding her to keep her quiet while her grandma napped.then she got a few months older started taking her out in the stroller and we would have conversations about birds and stuff we saw.ok,i talked,but she listened and her smile,coupled with that laugh,made me want to talk more.then the wife had to go to boston and i was stuck babysitting.im getting teary eyed now,but tears of joy,i could not believe that i was beginning to actually enjoy her company,even taking a secret joy when she cried leaving to go home,why i dont know,i guessed i was just the best babysitter in the world.ahhhhhh,stormy the magic you work.when my children were born,i worked and the wife she took care of them completely,i know i must have,but i cant recall ever giving them a bottle or changing a diaper.stormy,i did it all,and in return she played with me,listened to me,took walks,never complaining,always trusting in that i would do what was best for her.on our walks,everyone complimented her and i cant lie,i quietly took pride showing her off.i also began to feel an empathy with her when mom or dad picked her up,her tears led to a sodden feeling inside of me.there where even times i would find myself unexpectedly thinking of her while she was at home.worrying if mom or dad called,saying she was not acting well.the wife came back,lo and behold,i remained the primary sitter,it just happened,wife had stuff to do and stormy and i,we had grown accustomed to one another.besides,the few times stormy would get upset,cry,she would only stop if i held her.stormy,she trusted me to care for her,she made no judgments on me,she never made me feel that i was not giving her enough attention and was attentive in receiving the attention i gave her.she always let me know with her smile or laugh how happy i made her,she would be content with a few seconds of attention,if i was occupied with something,and she always made me feel more then,rather then less,never berated the fact i enjoyed playing like a child with her,telling me to act my age.ahhh,my stormy girl,you taught me what unconditional love is truly all about,and in the process you made my heart flower with the passion of a red rose and the brillant shine of a diamond held to the suns rays.
i,one of the most emotional people,i know,never realized how i had enclosed my heart,distancing myself from hurt,and while i could love,i feared being loved,having it taken from me or possibly coincidentally hurting someone i loved.my wife's children i grew to love,not allowing them to know how much and i am sure that i hurt them by distancing them,always thinking it was best for them,what if i died,or there was a divorce,what part of there life would i be?none.so why allow any pain,i did not want them to feel any pain,besides i am different from anyone else,what loss would there be,people always state by insisting i be true to myself i am always causing embarrassment or a problem,so they are better off by not having me be an important part of their life.i did do the best i could,not the best i wanted,no excuses,but my life they did not lead,according to my perception i did ok.i kept my word,even when rough i stayed with my wife,i never intentionally hurt them,and i always accepted them for themselves.
stormy girl,you made no rules,i never once was,the words,how can i describe,being loved so much,and knowing it was love for me the person i am,never having to be other then,your laugh or smile always encouraging me,giving me the desire to do more.stormy showed me there was no shame in my game,love conquering all.the magic she shared with me,those eyes trusting me,and the tears i shared with you when you went home each day,even though hidden on the inside.you made me whole,gave my life a beauty,hidden in the dark thorns of my past.the magic you wove, enlightened my life and the lives of all i know.the love i give to your family,and those dear to you,is richer for your teachings,the love i have for others,open,undemanding as you taught me.the pain i feel from love unrealized is there with pride,for you taught me it is a gift,which asks for not in return.me,stormy you taught me,for all my strange ways,different though i am,acceptance,love for me,and a fierce pride in who i am,for stormy you,out of all others ,showed me you love me for me,and that my love for you,well,it was enough,to make you happy.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
beastly,and i am sorry its been so long since my last post
Well whats upppppppppp?miss this,writing,been on a self imposed exile,a sado type of punishment,no doubt,but life,well it has been interesting..thanks to the person who showed me that that others do pay attention to it.i guess even though i write for myself,the knowledge others have an interest,incurrs more of a desire,to speak out.hehehehe,i am going to be in the writers hall of fame,NOT,but momentary flashes of self importance,well i am only human,hahaha.
Beastly,the movie,what a love story,centered on the fact that we all have some form of ugliness in ourselves,whether physical,spiritual,or mental.it is based on the premise,that irregardless of our personal perception of self,the ugliness we see in self,we are still beautiful to others who see beyond our ugliness.the acceptance of who we are,even with the acknowledgement of the ugly in us,is this not the love we all wish for ?an acceptance of ourself,without the hiding of those things we deem ugly in ourselves,or a love that sees beyond our disfigurements.somethings we can change,love making it possible for us to become something we could not imagine,its magic,potent in its strength,giving us the ability to become a person,unimaginable,before its birth.love,the force,its desire,can change us,make us more then we are,more importantly,unselfish in the molting of our new self,a hunger for someone elses happiness,a glimpse into humanities capabilities.that rainbow,once seen,colorful,soft,bright,mystical,that remains in our memories,even though untouchable.
aggghh,my teeth,seldom do i smile anymore,always mindful of that front tooth that is gone,its gap cutting into my enjoyment of smiling.fearful,that look i receive when others see that atrocity,a lessening of self esteem,the awkwardness,reality undermining my self confidence,a chip in the facade i present to the world,its bitter acid weakening my enjoyment of life.who would have ever thought,something so small in the the the making of who i am could undermine me.forever on guard,even when i am bursting with joy or happiness,DONT SMILE,my insecurity portraying a misconception of self to the world,its not that i am not happy,i fear the ridicule in your eyes,that look,the way you MIGHT turn away,my fear,my insecurity,it owns me.fragile beast i am,only through my acting other then who i am,might i face you.
ok,i am back,what?you didnt even notice?well,then,you missed out on a trip to Tallahassee,seeing some floors getting beautified and a little bit of gossip.no,i am,not going to share it with you,you snooze you lose,so there,hehehehe.OH,and these sugar cookies,the ones i just made,you aint gonna get any either,but let me tell you they are simply sinfully good,crisp on the edges,with centers that melt in your mouth,and i am gonna eat them up.hehhehehe.stereo is rocking and feeeling good ,soooo,lets get back to the previous unappetizing subject,my missing tooth,and the affect it has had on my life.yukkk!
Fear of,i swear,at least in my life,has played too large a part,no matter its form,the hidden desire for acceptance,the need for acceptance based on self,the player i am,playing games in my mind sometimes the games cause,loss of self,hidden somewhere in the games i play in my mind.then i let go,reappear,and something else comes up i cant hide,ergo,my tooth or rather,the missing tooth.it sits on my mind heavily,always there,a visible sign of my inadequacy,to take care of myself,the inability of financial responsibility,or i would have been able to get it taken care of.my smile,gone,afraid your judgement will be the same as mine,unforgiving,honesty that i would rather not face,and the fear,you may pity,feel bad for and the shame of having no one to blame but myself.now,at this time i concede there are more important things that require my financial support,why cant i accept others may understand this,i am strong,unto myself and for others.why,do i fear so much,to smile?is it,i want to believe it is so important due to judgments i have made in the past about others,reflections of previous thoughts haunting me,the inability to see myself as a person with flaws like everyone else,or the most disturbing thought of all,someone may actually show me its not that important,actually still enjoy my company.i constantly state accept me for and as i am,this stern face that refuses to smile,this toothless one,the thought,you do accept me,that,that may be the true reason for not smiling,keeping you at a distance,isnt it truly safer?fear of,your acceptance of me,i think,i run,it isnt possible,what you like me,you care for me,in all things i am strong,here i melt,quivering,scared a man still a child inside,please dont hurt me,my smile,my inhibitions gone,you made me forget,i smiled.shocked,i realize,the magnitude of what has occured,i stop smiling.why arent you running,dont you see,are you blind,maybe my head was turned?you make me laugh,oh hell,you had to notice that big gap in my mouth,you are still here,maybe i am not that important,just someone to pass a few moments with.it would scare the hell out of me if my missing tooth wasnt that important to you,you might even like me,what would i do then.scary,huh?it is to me,so maybe the problem isnt mr.tooth,it may not even be you,i think i might just be afraid you would like me,you could hurt me,and that scares me to no end.
Beastly,the movie,what a love story,centered on the fact that we all have some form of ugliness in ourselves,whether physical,spiritual,or mental.it is based on the premise,that irregardless of our personal perception of self,the ugliness we see in self,we are still beautiful to others who see beyond our ugliness.the acceptance of who we are,even with the acknowledgement of the ugly in us,is this not the love we all wish for ?an acceptance of ourself,without the hiding of those things we deem ugly in ourselves,or a love that sees beyond our disfigurements.somethings we can change,love making it possible for us to become something we could not imagine,its magic,potent in its strength,giving us the ability to become a person,unimaginable,before its birth.love,the force,its desire,can change us,make us more then we are,more importantly,unselfish in the molting of our new self,a hunger for someone elses happiness,a glimpse into humanities capabilities.that rainbow,once seen,colorful,soft,bright,mystical,that remains in our memories,even though untouchable.
aggghh,my teeth,seldom do i smile anymore,always mindful of that front tooth that is gone,its gap cutting into my enjoyment of smiling.fearful,that look i receive when others see that atrocity,a lessening of self esteem,the awkwardness,reality undermining my self confidence,a chip in the facade i present to the world,its bitter acid weakening my enjoyment of life.who would have ever thought,something so small in the the the making of who i am could undermine me.forever on guard,even when i am bursting with joy or happiness,DONT SMILE,my insecurity portraying a misconception of self to the world,its not that i am not happy,i fear the ridicule in your eyes,that look,the way you MIGHT turn away,my fear,my insecurity,it owns me.fragile beast i am,only through my acting other then who i am,might i face you.
ok,i am back,what?you didnt even notice?well,then,you missed out on a trip to Tallahassee,seeing some floors getting beautified and a little bit of gossip.no,i am,not going to share it with you,you snooze you lose,so there,hehehehe.OH,and these sugar cookies,the ones i just made,you aint gonna get any either,but let me tell you they are simply sinfully good,crisp on the edges,with centers that melt in your mouth,and i am gonna eat them up.hehhehehe.stereo is rocking and feeeling good ,soooo,lets get back to the previous unappetizing subject,my missing tooth,and the affect it has had on my life.yukkk!
Fear of,i swear,at least in my life,has played too large a part,no matter its form,the hidden desire for acceptance,the need for acceptance based on self,the player i am,playing games in my mind sometimes the games cause,loss of self,hidden somewhere in the games i play in my mind.then i let go,reappear,and something else comes up i cant hide,ergo,my tooth or rather,the missing tooth.it sits on my mind heavily,always there,a visible sign of my inadequacy,to take care of myself,the inability of financial responsibility,or i would have been able to get it taken care of.my smile,gone,afraid your judgement will be the same as mine,unforgiving,honesty that i would rather not face,and the fear,you may pity,feel bad for and the shame of having no one to blame but myself.now,at this time i concede there are more important things that require my financial support,why cant i accept others may understand this,i am strong,unto myself and for others.why,do i fear so much,to smile?is it,i want to believe it is so important due to judgments i have made in the past about others,reflections of previous thoughts haunting me,the inability to see myself as a person with flaws like everyone else,or the most disturbing thought of all,someone may actually show me its not that important,actually still enjoy my company.i constantly state accept me for and as i am,this stern face that refuses to smile,this toothless one,the thought,you do accept me,that,that may be the true reason for not smiling,keeping you at a distance,isnt it truly safer?fear of,your acceptance of me,i think,i run,it isnt possible,what you like me,you care for me,in all things i am strong,here i melt,quivering,scared a man still a child inside,please dont hurt me,my smile,my inhibitions gone,you made me forget,i smiled.shocked,i realize,the magnitude of what has occured,i stop smiling.why arent you running,dont you see,are you blind,maybe my head was turned?you make me laugh,oh hell,you had to notice that big gap in my mouth,you are still here,maybe i am not that important,just someone to pass a few moments with.it would scare the hell out of me if my missing tooth wasnt that important to you,you might even like me,what would i do then.scary,huh?it is to me,so maybe the problem isnt mr.tooth,it may not even be you,i think i might just be afraid you would like me,you could hurt me,and that scares me to no end.
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