The wife just called me to apologize for being ,as she called it, testy, with me earlier. Until she called, or rather, texted me, i was pissed.I am the most messed up, and confused person, i know. Especially in that area of life,known as love, affection,or that emotional side of our being. I definitely am one who thinks or actually reacts due to emotional input, more so then the logical and thinking side. I have a set of beliefs,rules, that i think should be precedent even in love, and i will be the first to admit, i allow things that I never thought I would. Excuses are always available, been together a long time, responsibility,doing the right thing.
Deep inside me, I wonder if this is my own form of punishment, payment for not being infallible, a debt to be paid for going outside the ,what is construed as normal,box.
My wife, you do not find me discussing her here very often, she is very private, and generally I respect that. To ignore her affect on me though, would be unfair to myself, when i read this in the future.Being the emotional person i am, my life is strongly affected by her. I have always told everyone, she is one of the nicest,most giving, and selfless, person i have ever met. With the exception of me,who, i feel she psychologically abuses on a daily basis. If anyone else was being subjected to the treatment I experience, I would tell them to, get the fuck out,whats wrong with you?
I remember the early years, before lifes experiences tried us, when she made me feel like a person of special importance,whose opinion mattered, one who may make mistakes but would do the right thing, evoking her understanding and compassion. Today, it is never enough, the words of praise have become words of torment, where i could do no wrong, now I can do nothing right.Words of affection,what words, they have disappeared, with the exception of those maintained through ritual,and those forced, as if by great cost.Physical signs of affection, a kiss, hug,or anything of physical intimacy, come at a price. A kiss,followed by the inevitable, ughhh, your lips were wet,a hug, its too hot, i am too touchy feely,stop it I am not in the mood.Sex, that is taboo,because i am too freaky,weird,or since its that time of life for me,I have no interest..
Everyday i try to do something to make her life a little easier, only to be subjected to either ridicule, a tirade about something wrong and a never ending feeling of unappreciation. All accepted by me, it is the norm,it is my fault, I have allowed this,for sins, unnamed i pay this price, for failing to love myself, I pay this price,and for feeling that i could have done better by her, I pay this price. Everyday, well almost, I think of yesteryear, i remember our days of bliss,and love, i pray that today, those days will ensue again. Knowing in my soul, my heart, that those days are gone, and that there will probably be no end unless i take drastic steps, my own fear, prohibiting me from facing reality.
She is so good to anyone else, i deceive myself, thinking my turn will come. In the name of love, I have done more then I should, paid a price I would ask of no other,and still go on. I allow this, I can blame none else, and even in with the knowledge, remain. Scared, I sometimes wonder, fear of losing all, fearful that I will lose myself. There is a price , my biggest fear, is do I have enough, belief in myself, to walk life's path alone, or have i decided that my fear of being alone, is the dark shadow that will cost me. Price being, joy in living life.
It is not all bad, I find moments,even hours, where we spend time together, without a harsh word said,and in her sleep, she often reaches over to wrap her self about me as if i am her shelter. Since she has started working she seems to like her self better, i wonder sometimes if I derive hope from her changes since she has started working. I dont know, I am searching for answers myself, I do love her, the question is really, how much do I love myself. Love at you,marino.
Friday, July 19, 2013
combat arms
Such an important part of my world but seldom mentioned is computer gaming.I have been playing computer games for ever........... I dont even remember the name of my first game,but who can forget the original first person shooter Wolfenstein,the one that started it all. Doom, Quake, Call of Duty, the list is endless, for a person of my tender years,hehehe, it has been a revolution, and of course they are now talking about the death of the p.c..Wahhhhhh, so many hours, such a large part of my life, and some money,hahaha, trying to keep my system up to par. The experience of gaming,the worlds it has opened, along with the technology it has introduced, if this is what the future holds for those of younger years i envy you, your journey.
I fell in love with first person shooters, and spent numerous hours playing, developing my skill to be able to brag of my prowess,hehehe. Then, on CNET, in their d/l section, i found a game called Combat Arms. Little did i know this game was to change my world. It was an online game and free to play, now C.O.D. was already on the internet but for myself i was happy with the single player version,not wanting to bother with the pain of starting to play online. I was hooked on Combat Arms, after my first game, the graphics were good , you could talk to people by typing and the community, was simply awesome.
It turned out i was reasonably good at playing and was invited to join different clans. A clan is a group of people who enjoy playing together, and at its truest form,is a family. I joined the original Xconz clan, members were people i could discuss my life, any problems, and be honest with. They instilled a feeling of acceptance, and love, based on nothing about me other then who i am.. They accepted me into their lives,helped me out, shared things and were true brothers in arms. You see it is only a game, but when you spend hours of time with people, even those things we hide from one another come out.
The disbanding of our clan was one of the most difficult things i have ever dealt with., To see your family disintegrate, move in with other families, for me was one of the most difficult things i have ever gone through. It took me a long time to overcome it, even though i joined other clans,they simply did not fill the void i experienced upon our dissolution.
The game,like most things has evolved in the 5 years i have been playing, some good and some i dont agree with. People, the players, i have now known, some for as long as i have been playing, are why i keep coming back. With the addition of voice while playing , you have interesting conversations, develop friendships,oh and lets not forget the DRAMA,hahhaha. Sometimes I am amazed by the way people are. When I first started playing i was pretty good, today i suck,hehehe. I play, quit for awhile,sometimes frustrated by the horrible player i have become, and I return. On my return I am always amazed by the number of people who are so happy to see me back,actually i feel guilty that i have been absent for so long. You see when I have times of difficulty i hide from the world including my gaming world, then i am surprised by the love that is showered on me.
There have been times, since i first started playing, when these are the only people I can unload to. They know me not,with the exception of what i tell them, trust me and judge me not. For me , I used to think my skill was the magnet, that left, and they are still there, what else can you ask for.If the world was as accepting of people,maybe it would be a better place.I could go on and on,the fact that i still play,as bad as i have become, is in itself a testament to the beauty of the world of gaming,its people and the social affects on us in todays modern world, to all i give my love and to gamers a little more,thank you for allowing me to be me,and telling me it is ok to be me,love marino
I fell in love with first person shooters, and spent numerous hours playing, developing my skill to be able to brag of my prowess,hehehe. Then, on CNET, in their d/l section, i found a game called Combat Arms. Little did i know this game was to change my world. It was an online game and free to play, now C.O.D. was already on the internet but for myself i was happy with the single player version,not wanting to bother with the pain of starting to play online. I was hooked on Combat Arms, after my first game, the graphics were good , you could talk to people by typing and the community, was simply awesome.
It turned out i was reasonably good at playing and was invited to join different clans. A clan is a group of people who enjoy playing together, and at its truest form,is a family. I joined the original Xconz clan, members were people i could discuss my life, any problems, and be honest with. They instilled a feeling of acceptance, and love, based on nothing about me other then who i am.. They accepted me into their lives,helped me out, shared things and were true brothers in arms. You see it is only a game, but when you spend hours of time with people, even those things we hide from one another come out.
The disbanding of our clan was one of the most difficult things i have ever dealt with., To see your family disintegrate, move in with other families, for me was one of the most difficult things i have ever gone through. It took me a long time to overcome it, even though i joined other clans,they simply did not fill the void i experienced upon our dissolution.
The game,like most things has evolved in the 5 years i have been playing, some good and some i dont agree with. People, the players, i have now known, some for as long as i have been playing, are why i keep coming back. With the addition of voice while playing , you have interesting conversations, develop friendships,oh and lets not forget the DRAMA,hahhaha. Sometimes I am amazed by the way people are. When I first started playing i was pretty good, today i suck,hehehe. I play, quit for awhile,sometimes frustrated by the horrible player i have become, and I return. On my return I am always amazed by the number of people who are so happy to see me back,actually i feel guilty that i have been absent for so long. You see when I have times of difficulty i hide from the world including my gaming world, then i am surprised by the love that is showered on me.
There have been times, since i first started playing, when these are the only people I can unload to. They know me not,with the exception of what i tell them, trust me and judge me not. For me , I used to think my skill was the magnet, that left, and they are still there, what else can you ask for.If the world was as accepting of people,maybe it would be a better place.I could go on and on,the fact that i still play,as bad as i have become, is in itself a testament to the beauty of the world of gaming,its people and the social affects on us in todays modern world, to all i give my love and to gamers a little more,thank you for allowing me to be me,and telling me it is ok to be me,love marino
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
christmas in july
Colors of silver and grey,contentment,a landmark reached with out the knowledge of a goal. Over a thousand hits on my blog,i was shocked, saw it it on 990 or thereabouts last friday and flipped out. Imagine if it was a book and 1000 people liked it, to me that would be amazing. I have always wanted to be a writer but i never thought i would have the tenacity to complete it, a book.So, i write my blog, skipping days,weeks and even months, but always returning to home, to my blog.I never imagined so many people would look at it, or even more,show any interest. I tend to think of myself more as a failure in lifes journey, even though i have been successful in the past,it all seems to have melted down,leaving me in a dazed, confused and irritated with self, state. Why would anyone want to hear my story?
Ok, turned on the soul station, music for the soul. It has been a good time since i last posted, my main problem is me. A friend of mine, gave me a tankful of gas, to help in my search for contracts,i got a check for around 100.00 for a settlement, totally unexpected. One of the best things was being able to sit down and talk with my friend,Sal, totally uninhibited. I was able to vent with no worries and for myself,being vocal helps me to bring things to the surface and also gives me a base, that would ordinarily be kept to my subconscious, there but hidden.
The wife watches the Hallmark station and they were doing Christmas movies over the w/e. they put a smile on my face and made me feel good about life,.reminiscing about yesteryears xmases. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, especially when i can do some giving. Broke, at that time of year, whoa, sucks so bad.Materialistic, not for myself, but who can deny the pleasure we feel when we see, a face light up, or the joy of another when a probable is fulfilled. Yeah, thats what i am talking about. Last year, sucked, financially, I wrote about my feelings in the blog, i also learned money is not the all i make it. Nice to have though.lessons learned in life are not always learned the easy way. This year, the possibility of being broke, well, i think it is going to be easier to accept.
Another thought, me, what is going on with me? I , am at a lost here. I don't know what i am doing, the answers are probably right in front of me, but I keep going round and round. If it was any one else i would be all over them, for doing what i am, don't really comprehend, why, I can not get my head out of the sand. I have been helping the wife out at work, it actually makes me feel better about me, like i am doing something useful,contributing.It is also a way for me to not look at me, i could be doing something else constructive, and it's like an easier path, than to deal with the real things in my mind.
I made an agreement with my foot doctor, i do his floors, he takes care of the problems with my feet. Good deal, i believe and while i was working there Monday i was so happy, doing what i love and the results of my work. I was thinking, to myself, hell i will just go out and do some work for free, they pay for the materials and i will do the work, just to be busy. Now, thats, quite simply, not very smart. The thought wont leave my head though. Simply ridiculous, i know, but i am always so tired of hearing people complain how much they hate their job. I love what i do, for how much longer i don't know, but appreciation of work has always in my heart.
One day, i don't know when,there will be a new atmosphere here. Due to a more positive self, if it comes about because of work,maybe a better knowledge or loving of self, i have no idea, I refuse to believe, that tomorrow will not have more positives. Good things ,do happen,and sometimes good things occur without our permission,hehehe. Hell if bad times always occur through mischance, so can good things, though i may need glasses to see it, hehehe.I love life, even the bad, for it means i am alive,living it. The scary thing is being a turtle, hiding, knowing what to do,not having the will to go forth. Every day, is an opportunity, for good and bad, when i awake for a new day,I know I may hide. The different things in myself,irregardless of what they are, that make me bring my head out, that is the beauty of being alive, not easy,and sometimes difficult as hell. The refusal to lay there, even if it is only momentary, one day that last gasp, will turn my world around, colors, green ,blue,red,fireworks,rainbows,a smile will be there. Life will be good. love ya,thank you and good night,marino.
Ok, turned on the soul station, music for the soul. It has been a good time since i last posted, my main problem is me. A friend of mine, gave me a tankful of gas, to help in my search for contracts,i got a check for around 100.00 for a settlement, totally unexpected. One of the best things was being able to sit down and talk with my friend,Sal, totally uninhibited. I was able to vent with no worries and for myself,being vocal helps me to bring things to the surface and also gives me a base, that would ordinarily be kept to my subconscious, there but hidden.
The wife watches the Hallmark station and they were doing Christmas movies over the w/e. they put a smile on my face and made me feel good about life,.reminiscing about yesteryears xmases. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, especially when i can do some giving. Broke, at that time of year, whoa, sucks so bad.Materialistic, not for myself, but who can deny the pleasure we feel when we see, a face light up, or the joy of another when a probable is fulfilled. Yeah, thats what i am talking about. Last year, sucked, financially, I wrote about my feelings in the blog, i also learned money is not the all i make it. Nice to have though.lessons learned in life are not always learned the easy way. This year, the possibility of being broke, well, i think it is going to be easier to accept.
Another thought, me, what is going on with me? I , am at a lost here. I don't know what i am doing, the answers are probably right in front of me, but I keep going round and round. If it was any one else i would be all over them, for doing what i am, don't really comprehend, why, I can not get my head out of the sand. I have been helping the wife out at work, it actually makes me feel better about me, like i am doing something useful,contributing.It is also a way for me to not look at me, i could be doing something else constructive, and it's like an easier path, than to deal with the real things in my mind.
I made an agreement with my foot doctor, i do his floors, he takes care of the problems with my feet. Good deal, i believe and while i was working there Monday i was so happy, doing what i love and the results of my work. I was thinking, to myself, hell i will just go out and do some work for free, they pay for the materials and i will do the work, just to be busy. Now, thats, quite simply, not very smart. The thought wont leave my head though. Simply ridiculous, i know, but i am always so tired of hearing people complain how much they hate their job. I love what i do, for how much longer i don't know, but appreciation of work has always in my heart.
One day, i don't know when,there will be a new atmosphere here. Due to a more positive self, if it comes about because of work,maybe a better knowledge or loving of self, i have no idea, I refuse to believe, that tomorrow will not have more positives. Good things ,do happen,and sometimes good things occur without our permission,hehehe. Hell if bad times always occur through mischance, so can good things, though i may need glasses to see it, hehehe.I love life, even the bad, for it means i am alive,living it. The scary thing is being a turtle, hiding, knowing what to do,not having the will to go forth. Every day, is an opportunity, for good and bad, when i awake for a new day,I know I may hide. The different things in myself,irregardless of what they are, that make me bring my head out, that is the beauty of being alive, not easy,and sometimes difficult as hell. The refusal to lay there, even if it is only momentary, one day that last gasp, will turn my world around, colors, green ,blue,red,fireworks,rainbows,a smile will be there. Life will be good. love ya,thank you and good night,marino.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
time to exorcise these demons
I am yawning, with boredom i believe, plus its 10:30 at night and i am kinda pushing myself to type this out. I am gonna heat me some warm milk and honey, grab a few stale vanilla wafers,open myself up and watch what drops on these lines. Lets see cookies are good ,milk is warming in the microwave. It works good but i bet it is 7 years old, if it aint broke, keep on using it. Today was a little off, or rather i was, for a tad bit this morning , I was not even sure i would make it out of the bed. Love my cookies dipped in milk, oh yeah good.
I woke up, or rather the wife woke me,asking about her uniform for work. Yup, i do the laundry too, i really don't mind it helps occupy my time, its just that sometimes i think she wakes me, just to wake me, knowing i usually am up later then her. I got her uniform, stayed up till she left and then against all reason, laid back in bed. I tried fooling myself by telling myself i was tired, plans i had made for the day, kept flickering through my thoughts, prohibiting me from sleep. Dozing occasionally, watching my days expectations, positive in form last night,sinking into a morass, thick , defeating, and suffocating. Finally, after feelings of guilt, obtained by the thought of my wife working and myself doing nothing , i got up.How bad was it? Even the news my accountant gave me telling me we were caught up on sales tax, could not rouse me from my bed, even though i had been worried about it. I believe I just see myself going round and round, in smaller and smaller circles, until there is some kind of self destruct. It feels as if i am only fooling myself. No end in sight, a hiccup, here and there, light shining thru momentarily, to have shutters of black iron fall across my windows of sunshine. I hate this , I hate the idea that i am perhaps weak, showing a lack of strength, typing this, but it is for real,i don't want to hide myself, my truths of me,from tomorrow when all may be well.
To go on, to start the day,now that i am up, and filled with negativity, over not doing what i had planned, i take some baby steps. Hard to believe last night, there was so much hope for today. I call about some work for the county, trying to get a better idea of when that will start, and next i call Rep. Patronis office. His secretary tells me Mrs. Butchikas,is out to lunch and i told her i would call back. I then decide sitting in the house,is doing me no good, so I went to see the wife at the bingo hall, and decided to go see Mrs. Butchikas in person.
Since talking to Rep. Patronis and telling him about the Tom Thumb situation, i have also been afraid of the answer i would receive from him. By going to his office i hoped to let them know I was still awaiting some form of answer, and also overcoming my fear of facing a negative reaction. I did talk to her briefly, and she explained he had been out of the country, so I told her the primary reason for my coming down was to help myself get out of a bad space, and thanked her for her time.
I next went to check on my wifes car,which is gonna cost money we don't have. I am insistent on finishing it though, its one of the few things she really cares about, and it is my responsibility, my job to provide for her. I talked to Randy for a minute, and then went to see if the wife was still playing, as she was< i bought her and her friend, dinner there, and went next door to see about a haircut. Hairdresser wont be in till tomorrow,so that will wait. I came home, ate too much, to punish myself, i guess, and then the wife came home telling me she was broke, having lost all her money.
What can you do? Tomorrow I will figure out some way for her to go play, maybe i will get lucky,hehehehe, find a job or something. I have a little money in my wallet but thats for bills,emergency of one kind or another.
Now that i have gotten all this b/s down on paper, maybe i can get some rest,turn over a positive leaf and kick some butt tomorrow, it is a new day,with a fresh start,maybe i will even have some nice dreams,hehehe. I wont know till tomorrow gets here, but thats better then where i started at here tonight, so lets dance the dance of life,kick up our heels,and smile. love ya,marino.
I woke up, or rather the wife woke me,asking about her uniform for work. Yup, i do the laundry too, i really don't mind it helps occupy my time, its just that sometimes i think she wakes me, just to wake me, knowing i usually am up later then her. I got her uniform, stayed up till she left and then against all reason, laid back in bed. I tried fooling myself by telling myself i was tired, plans i had made for the day, kept flickering through my thoughts, prohibiting me from sleep. Dozing occasionally, watching my days expectations, positive in form last night,sinking into a morass, thick , defeating, and suffocating. Finally, after feelings of guilt, obtained by the thought of my wife working and myself doing nothing , i got up.How bad was it? Even the news my accountant gave me telling me we were caught up on sales tax, could not rouse me from my bed, even though i had been worried about it. I believe I just see myself going round and round, in smaller and smaller circles, until there is some kind of self destruct. It feels as if i am only fooling myself. No end in sight, a hiccup, here and there, light shining thru momentarily, to have shutters of black iron fall across my windows of sunshine. I hate this , I hate the idea that i am perhaps weak, showing a lack of strength, typing this, but it is for real,i don't want to hide myself, my truths of me,from tomorrow when all may be well.
To go on, to start the day,now that i am up, and filled with negativity, over not doing what i had planned, i take some baby steps. Hard to believe last night, there was so much hope for today. I call about some work for the county, trying to get a better idea of when that will start, and next i call Rep. Patronis office. His secretary tells me Mrs. Butchikas,is out to lunch and i told her i would call back. I then decide sitting in the house,is doing me no good, so I went to see the wife at the bingo hall, and decided to go see Mrs. Butchikas in person.
Since talking to Rep. Patronis and telling him about the Tom Thumb situation, i have also been afraid of the answer i would receive from him. By going to his office i hoped to let them know I was still awaiting some form of answer, and also overcoming my fear of facing a negative reaction. I did talk to her briefly, and she explained he had been out of the country, so I told her the primary reason for my coming down was to help myself get out of a bad space, and thanked her for her time.
I next went to check on my wifes car,which is gonna cost money we don't have. I am insistent on finishing it though, its one of the few things she really cares about, and it is my responsibility, my job to provide for her. I talked to Randy for a minute, and then went to see if the wife was still playing, as she was< i bought her and her friend, dinner there, and went next door to see about a haircut. Hairdresser wont be in till tomorrow,so that will wait. I came home, ate too much, to punish myself, i guess, and then the wife came home telling me she was broke, having lost all her money.
What can you do? Tomorrow I will figure out some way for her to go play, maybe i will get lucky,hehehehe, find a job or something. I have a little money in my wallet but thats for bills,emergency of one kind or another.
Now that i have gotten all this b/s down on paper, maybe i can get some rest,turn over a positive leaf and kick some butt tomorrow, it is a new day,with a fresh start,maybe i will even have some nice dreams,hehehe. I wont know till tomorrow gets here, but thats better then where i started at here tonight, so lets dance the dance of life,kick up our heels,and smile. love ya,marino.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
we cant go back to yesterday
Oh, boy i must be getting old, hehehehe, philosophy 101,driving back from Chipley,yesterday, looking at the Tom Thumb in Wasau, i realized things do change,or at least they can not go back to what used to be. We were on our way home from dropping the young lady with the abusive husband problems,at her new place,and passing the Tom Thumb, a flash of days gone by hit me,and at the same moment a guy driving a truck,with a trailer pulled in. Floor guy, I said to myself, it was a confrontation, mentally, with myself,and the funny thing is it may not have been the floor guy, but that is what i thought, so in this situation, mind over matter, hehehe.
It was strange in a way,because i was so well, kinda bitter and mad at the young lady we were trying to help. Helping her was not the difficult part, i really had no problem with that, it was where i perceived her, to me unwillingness to help, help ,herself. Hope that makes sense, we got her boxes, two days later, no boxes packed, and she watched , helping a little while we packed them.Then i saw the supposed floor guy, and wondered to myself, am i not doing the same thing.She kept making excuses, I found flimsy, am I doing the same? I, find it difficult to say this but I am trying to be honest here, for me. Suicide, a veering off the road, an unforeseen accident, someway of ending life, Things are perplexing, i range from thoughts where I want to end this seeming farce of a life, to moments where life is actually,ok. Not great, not bad, but definately worth living. A lot of me I think is, just confused, afraid, and scared because i do not have all the answers.
For days i have been wanting to call Rep. Patronis, to see if he had been able to get any results, in the Tom Thumb matter, what has stopped me, is the possibility of a negative answer, or even worse, that he states there is nothing he can do. Hopefully, putting this down will help me obtain the courage to contact him tomorrow. We shall see, but i bet i do before i get on my blog again, out of shame of not doing so. Its the same thing I believe with Express Lane, confronting the new president Bob, about the loss of the floor contract. I did try, to see Miss Pease, today,asking for an appointment.Scared if she did set up an appointment, well nervous anyway.This is in hopes of her backing me in carpet and grout cleaning.
Jim Lewis, i fill my days sometimes with thoughts of talking to him and getting some help. I sit here, all the thoughts of what i have written so far, and it all looks like a bunch of excuses, maybe heartfelt ones, but they are not going to change my life, i am the only one who can accomplish that.
The Story of Us, it is funny, is on, a movie about a couple who looks back on their life together,sen from one another's perspective, while they are trying to figure out what happened to them and their marriage. I am, I guess doing the same with me.Its funny,she just said there is a history here, and it is oh so true, i am getting teary eyed, maybe because i feel my past is swept away, the future is so scary, i am so afraid of the responsibility of being responsible for me.
Confidence, once a thing taken for granted, too much so, is now gone, the fact that i am subject to failure is such a harsh lesson, one that seemingly makes me feel less than.Where the path of my life goes, is entirely in my hands, outside forces do have impact, their strength and force ,a direct result of my weakness, or strength. For I have to concede, it is me, who determines the force of anothers impact on me, how much will I allow them to affect my life.
These words, they sound so good to me, another shield, another way of hiding, i have no bloody idea, i write, I read, sometimes it makes me think. Life, am i happy with it, yes,no,it seems as if i only have answers for a short time and then, bam, something else happens,180 degrees out.
I think i am gonna call it a night now, I did make some awesome ribs, and baked potatoes, plus i won a game at free bingo,12 bucks,all good. It has not been a bad day, i just had these thoughts since last night and wanted to remember them for tomorrow,sweet dreams,lots of love ,and may your day be bright.
It was strange in a way,because i was so well, kinda bitter and mad at the young lady we were trying to help. Helping her was not the difficult part, i really had no problem with that, it was where i perceived her, to me unwillingness to help, help ,herself. Hope that makes sense, we got her boxes, two days later, no boxes packed, and she watched , helping a little while we packed them.Then i saw the supposed floor guy, and wondered to myself, am i not doing the same thing.She kept making excuses, I found flimsy, am I doing the same? I, find it difficult to say this but I am trying to be honest here, for me. Suicide, a veering off the road, an unforeseen accident, someway of ending life, Things are perplexing, i range from thoughts where I want to end this seeming farce of a life, to moments where life is actually,ok. Not great, not bad, but definately worth living. A lot of me I think is, just confused, afraid, and scared because i do not have all the answers.
For days i have been wanting to call Rep. Patronis, to see if he had been able to get any results, in the Tom Thumb matter, what has stopped me, is the possibility of a negative answer, or even worse, that he states there is nothing he can do. Hopefully, putting this down will help me obtain the courage to contact him tomorrow. We shall see, but i bet i do before i get on my blog again, out of shame of not doing so. Its the same thing I believe with Express Lane, confronting the new president Bob, about the loss of the floor contract. I did try, to see Miss Pease, today,asking for an appointment.Scared if she did set up an appointment, well nervous anyway.This is in hopes of her backing me in carpet and grout cleaning.
Jim Lewis, i fill my days sometimes with thoughts of talking to him and getting some help. I sit here, all the thoughts of what i have written so far, and it all looks like a bunch of excuses, maybe heartfelt ones, but they are not going to change my life, i am the only one who can accomplish that.
The Story of Us, it is funny, is on, a movie about a couple who looks back on their life together,sen from one another's perspective, while they are trying to figure out what happened to them and their marriage. I am, I guess doing the same with me.Its funny,she just said there is a history here, and it is oh so true, i am getting teary eyed, maybe because i feel my past is swept away, the future is so scary, i am so afraid of the responsibility of being responsible for me.
Confidence, once a thing taken for granted, too much so, is now gone, the fact that i am subject to failure is such a harsh lesson, one that seemingly makes me feel less than.Where the path of my life goes, is entirely in my hands, outside forces do have impact, their strength and force ,a direct result of my weakness, or strength. For I have to concede, it is me, who determines the force of anothers impact on me, how much will I allow them to affect my life.
These words, they sound so good to me, another shield, another way of hiding, i have no bloody idea, i write, I read, sometimes it makes me think. Life, am i happy with it, yes,no,it seems as if i only have answers for a short time and then, bam, something else happens,180 degrees out.
I think i am gonna call it a night now, I did make some awesome ribs, and baked potatoes, plus i won a game at free bingo,12 bucks,all good. It has not been a bad day, i just had these thoughts since last night and wanted to remember them for tomorrow,sweet dreams,lots of love ,and may your day be bright.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Revelation
Revelations. what do you say ,how do you respond, compliment intended, thinking commenced, conflicting thoughts and feelings.First it was a better then average weekend, did quite a bit of prancing (dancing), and was well received, plus met a couple of people. Dance, my chosen form of communication, the shield that allows me to be, who i reveal, while sheltering me from who i am. In the dance, i become who i would like to be. Alone I dance, unfettered, without a partner, free, for with one i may be held up to scrutiny.
On Friday night, a brave young lady,who was with her man, emboldened by drink, danced behind me and then with me. Normally,a woman may dance with me but usually I can scare them away, not this one however. I even told her that i was unaccustomed to dancing with anyone, but she was insistent. Her boyfriend stated that she thought i had all the right moves and asked if i would dance with her, as it was their last night and he wanted her to have a good night on their last night of vacation. As i felt safe, due to her man being there we danced and it was a good time. Though i will admit it was humorous,watching the looks on the locals who know i only dance by myself,hehehe. On Saturday night, two young ladies, kept trying to entice me to the dance floor. I kept saying no, and a guy who is a regular even told them, he does not get on the floor. I went to the restroom and on my return one of the girls ,flat out blocked my path. Asking why i would not dance with them, I told them the deal with my wife is, i go out but don't dance on the dance floor,which keeps me from having situations develop. To her credit , the young woman could understand that and said she could respect that.
Two different women and both made the same comment, " when i am your age , i hope i am as full of life as you are", pause, i don't feel old. The question is, am I in denial? Ancient, that's how i felt,but in retrospect, I am at least twice, if not more then their age. On Friday night, it was kinda humorous,for when i first arrived, i was watching the crowd, and being somewhat philosophical. Observing the younger ones, in their youthful way,no scars from life,an innocence about them, coupled with the air of infallibility, while I aged them in my mind and wondered how they would appear, after dealing with life's harsher lessons. From my unseen throne of survival, I felt for them wishing I could protect them from their tomorrows. Guess you cant your cake and eat it too. Now, this is kinda difficult to explain,so i am going to break it down, so i can understand it in my later years. Women, intimidate me, cause i always worry about being small, hehehehe. Now being married, i am safe and due to the fact i don't drink, am always in control at the clubs. Every woman of emotional importance in my life has come about as a result of dance. Being a realist, i am scared to death of running into some woman,at the club, through her dancing, who has the capability of causing me to do something stupid. This , is truly why i don't get on the dance floor, and why i tell women, that little white lie.Women today, lordy, they have no fear, I love their independence,the way they have gown into being strong, and self sufficient. It also scares me shit less,hehehe, some of them don't want to take no for an answer. Damned if i do and damned if i don't,hehehe. Now as far as my looks are concerned,well i need a dentist,or at least my front tooth back,i would definitely smile more,hehehehe, i do think i am not bad looking,in fact sometimes i wish i could match up to the appearance i present, alas, if wishes were horses,we all would ride.Old,older, I am, no lying possible there, youthful,is how i feel when I dance or a woman smiles at me enticingly. Realistically, I know that I am old in my physical being, i can not piss as far or with strength of yesteryear, on those mornings i do awake with a hard on i am grateful. Saddest thing of all, the truth of my age is simplistic, to a woman of younger years, i would inevitably be too much work for a successful relationship. Young in my mind, in all truth i feel ancient in the typing of these words, and SAD.
I have fought the good fight, I still have the dream, the fantasy, youth . I never thought i would live this long, never prepared for tomorrow, until it was too late. The lessons i have learned, of great importance now, have i learned too late? In my travels of tomorrow,older,wiser people,look at me,with the same knowledge of my tomorrows,as I looked at those innocents,Friday, at the club. What will my future hold for me, will i discover, dreams can still be answered, or will my tomorrows suffer from my lack of preparedness for tomorrow. Tomorrow, honestly, we never can know, for is it not the birth of the rest of our life,the use of the knowledge we have spent our life so far amassing, Tomorrow, may not even arrive,but today, has been a good day,and with that i bid you good night, love that's unconditional, and a hope that I have shared something of import for you, in your tomorrows.marino.
On Friday night, a brave young lady,who was with her man, emboldened by drink, danced behind me and then with me. Normally,a woman may dance with me but usually I can scare them away, not this one however. I even told her that i was unaccustomed to dancing with anyone, but she was insistent. Her boyfriend stated that she thought i had all the right moves and asked if i would dance with her, as it was their last night and he wanted her to have a good night on their last night of vacation. As i felt safe, due to her man being there we danced and it was a good time. Though i will admit it was humorous,watching the looks on the locals who know i only dance by myself,hehehe. On Saturday night, two young ladies, kept trying to entice me to the dance floor. I kept saying no, and a guy who is a regular even told them, he does not get on the floor. I went to the restroom and on my return one of the girls ,flat out blocked my path. Asking why i would not dance with them, I told them the deal with my wife is, i go out but don't dance on the dance floor,which keeps me from having situations develop. To her credit , the young woman could understand that and said she could respect that.
Two different women and both made the same comment, " when i am your age , i hope i am as full of life as you are", pause, i don't feel old. The question is, am I in denial? Ancient, that's how i felt,but in retrospect, I am at least twice, if not more then their age. On Friday night, it was kinda humorous,for when i first arrived, i was watching the crowd, and being somewhat philosophical. Observing the younger ones, in their youthful way,no scars from life,an innocence about them, coupled with the air of infallibility, while I aged them in my mind and wondered how they would appear, after dealing with life's harsher lessons. From my unseen throne of survival, I felt for them wishing I could protect them from their tomorrows. Guess you cant your cake and eat it too. Now, this is kinda difficult to explain,so i am going to break it down, so i can understand it in my later years. Women, intimidate me, cause i always worry about being small, hehehehe. Now being married, i am safe and due to the fact i don't drink, am always in control at the clubs. Every woman of emotional importance in my life has come about as a result of dance. Being a realist, i am scared to death of running into some woman,at the club, through her dancing, who has the capability of causing me to do something stupid. This , is truly why i don't get on the dance floor, and why i tell women, that little white lie.Women today, lordy, they have no fear, I love their independence,the way they have gown into being strong, and self sufficient. It also scares me shit less,hehehe, some of them don't want to take no for an answer. Damned if i do and damned if i don't,hehehe. Now as far as my looks are concerned,well i need a dentist,or at least my front tooth back,i would definitely smile more,hehehehe, i do think i am not bad looking,in fact sometimes i wish i could match up to the appearance i present, alas, if wishes were horses,we all would ride.Old,older, I am, no lying possible there, youthful,is how i feel when I dance or a woman smiles at me enticingly. Realistically, I know that I am old in my physical being, i can not piss as far or with strength of yesteryear, on those mornings i do awake with a hard on i am grateful. Saddest thing of all, the truth of my age is simplistic, to a woman of younger years, i would inevitably be too much work for a successful relationship. Young in my mind, in all truth i feel ancient in the typing of these words, and SAD.
I have fought the good fight, I still have the dream, the fantasy, youth . I never thought i would live this long, never prepared for tomorrow, until it was too late. The lessons i have learned, of great importance now, have i learned too late? In my travels of tomorrow,older,wiser people,look at me,with the same knowledge of my tomorrows,as I looked at those innocents,Friday, at the club. What will my future hold for me, will i discover, dreams can still be answered, or will my tomorrows suffer from my lack of preparedness for tomorrow. Tomorrow, honestly, we never can know, for is it not the birth of the rest of our life,the use of the knowledge we have spent our life so far amassing, Tomorrow, may not even arrive,but today, has been a good day,and with that i bid you good night, love that's unconditional, and a hope that I have shared something of import for you, in your tomorrows.marino.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
4th of july
Happy 4th of July, Independence Day, yesterday i made a post and i will be the first to admit it was not pretty.Today, has been a rather wonderful day , and i had to stop myself from going back to read it.I know that whatever i posted was real and though the desire to edit it , maybe even delete it, is here, i can not undo it or my blog would be a lie.Todays good fortunes, do not eradicate yesterdays pains, or we would be like computers,with the ability to reformat our minds and start anew.Irregardless of the pain, cost,I would rather be the human i am. Of course i wish i would learn better from my mistakes, but i guess thats part of me being myself.
It was a great day, i watched Madison and Samantha, we played in the rain,danced a little bit, washed dishes,checked out some you tube videos,and talked to Donna over the phone. It rained like crazy, flooded the street,and attempted to flood the house.I took the pump from the pond and used it to drain the water from the front door,hehehehe. The children and i played in the rain, got soaked,but i did drape the kids in towels,and they loved the freedom of it all. Ok., I did too, no lie, hehehe. After the kids went home, Donna came in from work, the roads were shut down all over the place so it took a while, then we went ,checked on my mother, at her insistence, as i felt someone would call me if there was a problem.Then when there was no answer at the door, we had a neighbor with a key, open up the place,to find out she was not home, but out grocery shopping for her dogs birthday on saturday. It takes all kinds, hehehe, and she is definitely as much an individual as i am. My wife busted her ass at work today, a lot of people at work, had to go home early as they lived in areas were the roads were being completely blocked off, denying them access to home.I did offer to go over and help out but she was concerned over no one being at house if they shut the road down. As broke as we are, i offered to take her out for a bite ,and it was funny,we tried being cheap, but every place was closed, finally we ended up at the end of our street and she ordered some crab claws and chicken,42 bucks with tip, but she definitely deserved the reward for all she went through today. I did ask her to thaw something out for tomorrow ,so we did not have to eat out though,hehehe. The smile on her face as she devoured those crab claws made it all worthwhile. Then i brushed her hair and she passed out. I had hoped to go to the fireworks but they were canceled till tomorrow, and it was a rare night, she had nothing to complain about for a change.
I was watching CNBC last night,the "QUEEN OF VERSAILLES" came on, a documentary about David Siegel and his wife. He built and owns Westgate Resorts, one of the largest privately owned time share companies in the world.It was a mixed story starting with him being one of the super rich, falling in bad straits financially ,and then the discovery thru the web, of his turning it all back around. Watching and researching it all made me think of my own story, nowhere near his financially, but the sinking of all i held dear, gave me reason to believe there was some similarity.Then tonight i was watching the new show called Hero, though no hero myself, i wished that i was in the show,if just to see how i held up morally,.Strange, i know,and no lie the money part is nice too.I know I seem to to give the appearance that life is all black and white, that is not true , there is a lot of grey,my problem or what bothers me is when people make statements ,or judgements , based on beliefs they state, then turn it around as a matter of more convenience for themselves.
My greatest fear,is too disappoint myself, through lack of effort or procrastination, I know this my worst enemy and it drives me nuts.If given a goal by others i will always overcome any obstacle, in order to accomplish it,my biggest weakness is self.
well i am going to try to add some videos here to demonstrate my day and if it works i will add some to previous posts, and future ones, hehehehe.Have a great day, be grateful for what we have and may love be with you, Marino.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
the rain, day before the 4th of July
I am sitting here,pushing myself to post today, too many days have gone by, without a post, and the guilt is becoming too conscious. All too many moments where i am blahhing my days, kinda existing in a haze,that seems to only be enforced by moments of crisp clarity. I have moments where I feel as if I know the answers, only to reach a point where it seems fruitless. I drift without an anchor, my biggest loss,a sense of confidence in myself, and a general feeling of , damned if i do ,damned if i don't. Directionless, no shore in sight ,and for one of the few times, instead of trying to reach shore, just kicking my feet to barely keep afloat.
Watching CNBC, listening to conversation about the market and wondering,why? I torture myself, dreaming of my ifs,which are not real, i don't have the money,so my stocks would have made a pretty penny ,but i never had the money to put into them, and i cant seem too motivate myself.
My last post was on the 24th, my birthday has passed and it is now the the day before the 4th, which i had hoped to be able to spend in Boston, gawd i want to kick myself in the ass. It is raining and i love the sound, i am typing hoping to bring myself around, and instead i cant shake this feeling ,what ever it is.Looking at others in my life, they are all doing well and i feel as if i am the only one who cant get his act together,and i am scared.i have all these answers, don't do anything, and wake up looking at myself ,with more distaste.Something good happens and while i am momentarily happy, i await the next drop of something bad too occur. Thunder,just rocked, i love the sound, of thunder and it gives me a moment where I say, to myself, even the heavens are getting pissed off at your attitude, and then i slump back.
Normally, I would not post these feelings, of such negativity, honestly I don't know why I am doing it now. A last ditch appeal to self, a cry for help, that point where I just don't care that someone else may read this, even if it could cost me a job. There are times when out of fear, of someone reading my blog , I dont post things or the way i feel , in its entirety. Now, i am of two thoughts, either I don't care, or am I setting myself up for failure? It gets so tiring, not knowing, searching for answers, finding them, rejecting them for one reason or another, and then losing confidence in self.Afraid to go forward, to at least try. Help, so badly i want to ask for it, so afraid of the rejection. In my pursuit of living life, I have always been independant, maybe foolishly and secretly afraid to, be dependant on others, even to the point of not acknowledging my true interdependence, on others. On my birthday,i got in trouble with the state for not paying all the sales tax i owed, my bad, i was not spending it on things other then living expenses, i am just so afraid i am going to lose everything the wife has gotten to the point of calling me the kitchen police.I know it sounds silly, a direct result of earlier years,when i went without, a point where i am scared too spend money,hoarding it out of fear,tomorrow there will be none.Even worse,that i will not have a home, live on the streets, eating out of a dumpster,rejected by family,and worst of all, the knowledge it is all my fault,i could have done something and i am not.Now, i am paying off the sales tax,which is leaving me with no cushion,actually i am not even paying some of my bills,and it scares the hell out of me.All i can think of is whats next, am i ever going to pull myself out, do i want to,can i muster the fight,or my biggest fear,have i lost the desire, the will to fight .
I am scared, scared that Rep. Patronis will tell me there is nothing he could do for me, that if I ask the Lewis family for help, there will be none, that Claire Pease would laugh at my idea of buying carpet equip, trying to build my business, going out making cold calls and getting shut down. I fear reestablishing my business as an llc, the attempt of trying to get more work,and failing to run it properly.I am so afraid that in my tomorrows i will look back, in disgust at myself ,today, will i hate myself,? Am i done ,hell i fear waking up tomorrow,wondering what i will think of myself for posting this.Am i just whining, do I just not care,i dont know, i have no problem helping others, but am so confused about helping myself,start out to do somethng positive maybe try,and i jsut lose heart.
Holly, the accounts payable lady at Express Lane,when everything was being finalized, had a difficult time believing me when i tried to tell her the truth about Mark and the situation, I wonder if it ever crosses her mind now. It is so frustrating to tell the truth and then others whose opinions you value, doubt you. I want to believe in the right things, I am afraid, of a loss of belief in people, a core of myself has been shaken up,and is sucking into the whirlpool of loss.Loss of self, the belief that i can make a difference,the trampling of my individuality by big business, the harsh reality that what i believed, argued,and stood up for,was moot.Scotty just asked me take him to work,so i have to leave but will return,as i sat here i thought to myself,don't forget to save this so if computer shuts down you wont lose it,and in the same thought i also stated don't save it ,maybe there will be a power surge and it will all disappear,and it wont be your fault. I am saving it so i don't dislike myself later for a moment of weakness.
I am back,took Scotty to work and picked up some boxes for the girl who is having problems with husband.She got her restraining order now, and hopefully things will get better for her. Sometimes i wonder, if i am not jealous,over Donnas ability to help others,and that she is actually blooming under all this.I am losing it and she seems to be able to go forward. She is loving her job, losing weight and tries to help all that she can. All these things show she is a pretty good person,and i am proud of her. Don't always agree with her, but thats ok. Yesterday she gave me 50 bucks to help me with the bills, and i thought that was pretty nice, i tried to return it but then thought to myself, that i was being pig headed and had no right to deny her the satisfaction of trying to help.
It stopped raining for a sec but its back now.So,lets see, what have i been up to for the last few days. Yesterday,Donna and I, worked together to help move some stuff for the girl with husband problems,put some stuff in storage and did some babysitting. Monday, i sat down with accountant,she was nice enough to let me vent and i paid the back fines i owed to get warrant removed. oh, yes, for one of the few times i also watched Defiance, as it came on instead of waiting till later in the week,hehehe. Sunday, was a day of blah and to try and shake it, I cut the grass and then Donna reminded me we had a birthday party to attend. It was at a gay club, downtown for one of the people she works with. Strangely, for me, I felt a little uncomfortable at first, but watching Donna relax and enjoy herself, combined with the friendliness of the other people, i did relax and enjoy myself. Saturday, i went to Spinnakers, i did not really enjoy myself too much,though as the night progressed i was pleasantly surprised to see that the club was getting more customers,which was nice.Here I confront another fer,of being ridiculed due to my age and wanting to dance, I do eventually get beyond it, but it does take longer.I know I am not that important, I just feel more and more as if people are looking,laughing at me.
Friday, my birthday,no lie , i was disappointed,there were some good things,it was just not that great a day. First, i discovered about the state tax situation,then when i asked for some help from the kids,no luck. I asked Christine and she replied they only had 4 thousand, that they were had some bills and needed money for their business, i explained i would give her money every week and that i would have it paid by the end of July,she said she could not help. I was upset, thinking back to how many times I had helped her ,times Rocky did not even know about as she did not want him to know, when i had to worry about making sure people got paid, or a bill got delayed ,due to helping her out.The guys who worked with me always tried to tell me i was doing too much for them, which i disagreed with , thinking if it was me needing help they would be there, learned my lesson. Michele, who is going to school told me she would talk to her husband, but never called me back. She does not have much money, i know, but at the same time was all for paying for Stormy to go down with her on a trip, there are times when any amount will help and this was one. Linda, hell, i know she dose not have any extra. Scotty, he offered to help if he got some money for his cords, yet he did not give me the 40 bucks he is supposed to every week.On and on it goes,what the hell,i am just bitching ,I guess.
Lordy,lordy, the gas guy just came by,i know it sounds crazy , but Donna wants a gas stove ,has for awhile and i am trying to surprise her.The money was coming from some extra work i was gonna do for the county,which has now got to be used to catch up sales tax so i can re-establish as a llc company. I do feel a little better, after talking with the gas rep., he told me of some ways i may be able to save some money on installation,plus the tankless water heater goes outside which helps with bathroom plans. Now, i guess i will just have to make some money,hehehehe, same ole, same ole, as Linda would say..
Writing, typing this, a thought which kept recurring, in the latter part of all this, kept flashing through. How will i feel about this and my life, years from now, will i be able to laugh or will it be the downslide of the rest of my life. One of my biggest fears, about living, is regret that i will not be happy looking at my past. Today, though my life is not one of riches, fame, etc., I only have one major regret that will haunt me, two actually, both stem of the heart, one i have learned to deal with as being my own fault, the other I, have hidden,as they say, it is what it is, and perhaps some things are best left alone.Irregardless of what we feel. I think I am gonna call it a wrap now, I have been listening to the situation developing in Egypt in reference to their President Morsi. Happy July 4th, lots of luv,and may a smile grace your face, Marino.
Watching CNBC, listening to conversation about the market and wondering,why? I torture myself, dreaming of my ifs,which are not real, i don't have the money,so my stocks would have made a pretty penny ,but i never had the money to put into them, and i cant seem too motivate myself.
My last post was on the 24th, my birthday has passed and it is now the the day before the 4th, which i had hoped to be able to spend in Boston, gawd i want to kick myself in the ass. It is raining and i love the sound, i am typing hoping to bring myself around, and instead i cant shake this feeling ,what ever it is.Looking at others in my life, they are all doing well and i feel as if i am the only one who cant get his act together,and i am scared.i have all these answers, don't do anything, and wake up looking at myself ,with more distaste.Something good happens and while i am momentarily happy, i await the next drop of something bad too occur. Thunder,just rocked, i love the sound, of thunder and it gives me a moment where I say, to myself, even the heavens are getting pissed off at your attitude, and then i slump back.
Normally, I would not post these feelings, of such negativity, honestly I don't know why I am doing it now. A last ditch appeal to self, a cry for help, that point where I just don't care that someone else may read this, even if it could cost me a job. There are times when out of fear, of someone reading my blog , I dont post things or the way i feel , in its entirety. Now, i am of two thoughts, either I don't care, or am I setting myself up for failure? It gets so tiring, not knowing, searching for answers, finding them, rejecting them for one reason or another, and then losing confidence in self.Afraid to go forward, to at least try. Help, so badly i want to ask for it, so afraid of the rejection. In my pursuit of living life, I have always been independant, maybe foolishly and secretly afraid to, be dependant on others, even to the point of not acknowledging my true interdependence, on others. On my birthday,i got in trouble with the state for not paying all the sales tax i owed, my bad, i was not spending it on things other then living expenses, i am just so afraid i am going to lose everything the wife has gotten to the point of calling me the kitchen police.I know it sounds silly, a direct result of earlier years,when i went without, a point where i am scared too spend money,hoarding it out of fear,tomorrow there will be none.Even worse,that i will not have a home, live on the streets, eating out of a dumpster,rejected by family,and worst of all, the knowledge it is all my fault,i could have done something and i am not.Now, i am paying off the sales tax,which is leaving me with no cushion,actually i am not even paying some of my bills,and it scares the hell out of me.All i can think of is whats next, am i ever going to pull myself out, do i want to,can i muster the fight,or my biggest fear,have i lost the desire, the will to fight .
I am scared, scared that Rep. Patronis will tell me there is nothing he could do for me, that if I ask the Lewis family for help, there will be none, that Claire Pease would laugh at my idea of buying carpet equip, trying to build my business, going out making cold calls and getting shut down. I fear reestablishing my business as an llc, the attempt of trying to get more work,and failing to run it properly.I am so afraid that in my tomorrows i will look back, in disgust at myself ,today, will i hate myself,? Am i done ,hell i fear waking up tomorrow,wondering what i will think of myself for posting this.Am i just whining, do I just not care,i dont know, i have no problem helping others, but am so confused about helping myself,start out to do somethng positive maybe try,and i jsut lose heart.
Holly, the accounts payable lady at Express Lane,when everything was being finalized, had a difficult time believing me when i tried to tell her the truth about Mark and the situation, I wonder if it ever crosses her mind now. It is so frustrating to tell the truth and then others whose opinions you value, doubt you. I want to believe in the right things, I am afraid, of a loss of belief in people, a core of myself has been shaken up,and is sucking into the whirlpool of loss.Loss of self, the belief that i can make a difference,the trampling of my individuality by big business, the harsh reality that what i believed, argued,and stood up for,was moot.Scotty just asked me take him to work,so i have to leave but will return,as i sat here i thought to myself,don't forget to save this so if computer shuts down you wont lose it,and in the same thought i also stated don't save it ,maybe there will be a power surge and it will all disappear,and it wont be your fault. I am saving it so i don't dislike myself later for a moment of weakness.
I am back,took Scotty to work and picked up some boxes for the girl who is having problems with husband.She got her restraining order now, and hopefully things will get better for her. Sometimes i wonder, if i am not jealous,over Donnas ability to help others,and that she is actually blooming under all this.I am losing it and she seems to be able to go forward. She is loving her job, losing weight and tries to help all that she can. All these things show she is a pretty good person,and i am proud of her. Don't always agree with her, but thats ok. Yesterday she gave me 50 bucks to help me with the bills, and i thought that was pretty nice, i tried to return it but then thought to myself, that i was being pig headed and had no right to deny her the satisfaction of trying to help.
It stopped raining for a sec but its back now.So,lets see, what have i been up to for the last few days. Yesterday,Donna and I, worked together to help move some stuff for the girl with husband problems,put some stuff in storage and did some babysitting. Monday, i sat down with accountant,she was nice enough to let me vent and i paid the back fines i owed to get warrant removed. oh, yes, for one of the few times i also watched Defiance, as it came on instead of waiting till later in the week,hehehe. Sunday, was a day of blah and to try and shake it, I cut the grass and then Donna reminded me we had a birthday party to attend. It was at a gay club, downtown for one of the people she works with. Strangely, for me, I felt a little uncomfortable at first, but watching Donna relax and enjoy herself, combined with the friendliness of the other people, i did relax and enjoy myself. Saturday, i went to Spinnakers, i did not really enjoy myself too much,though as the night progressed i was pleasantly surprised to see that the club was getting more customers,which was nice.Here I confront another fer,of being ridiculed due to my age and wanting to dance, I do eventually get beyond it, but it does take longer.I know I am not that important, I just feel more and more as if people are looking,laughing at me.
Friday, my birthday,no lie , i was disappointed,there were some good things,it was just not that great a day. First, i discovered about the state tax situation,then when i asked for some help from the kids,no luck. I asked Christine and she replied they only had 4 thousand, that they were had some bills and needed money for their business, i explained i would give her money every week and that i would have it paid by the end of July,she said she could not help. I was upset, thinking back to how many times I had helped her ,times Rocky did not even know about as she did not want him to know, when i had to worry about making sure people got paid, or a bill got delayed ,due to helping her out.The guys who worked with me always tried to tell me i was doing too much for them, which i disagreed with , thinking if it was me needing help they would be there, learned my lesson. Michele, who is going to school told me she would talk to her husband, but never called me back. She does not have much money, i know, but at the same time was all for paying for Stormy to go down with her on a trip, there are times when any amount will help and this was one. Linda, hell, i know she dose not have any extra. Scotty, he offered to help if he got some money for his cords, yet he did not give me the 40 bucks he is supposed to every week.On and on it goes,what the hell,i am just bitching ,I guess.
Lordy,lordy, the gas guy just came by,i know it sounds crazy , but Donna wants a gas stove ,has for awhile and i am trying to surprise her.The money was coming from some extra work i was gonna do for the county,which has now got to be used to catch up sales tax so i can re-establish as a llc company. I do feel a little better, after talking with the gas rep., he told me of some ways i may be able to save some money on installation,plus the tankless water heater goes outside which helps with bathroom plans. Now, i guess i will just have to make some money,hehehehe, same ole, same ole, as Linda would say..
Writing, typing this, a thought which kept recurring, in the latter part of all this, kept flashing through. How will i feel about this and my life, years from now, will i be able to laugh or will it be the downslide of the rest of my life. One of my biggest fears, about living, is regret that i will not be happy looking at my past. Today, though my life is not one of riches, fame, etc., I only have one major regret that will haunt me, two actually, both stem of the heart, one i have learned to deal with as being my own fault, the other I, have hidden,as they say, it is what it is, and perhaps some things are best left alone.Irregardless of what we feel. I think I am gonna call it a wrap now, I have been listening to the situation developing in Egypt in reference to their President Morsi. Happy July 4th, lots of luv,and may a smile grace your face, Marino.
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