4th of july

         Happy 4th of July, Independence Day, yesterday i made a post and i will be the first to admit it was not pretty.Today, has been a rather wonderful day , and i had to stop myself from going back to read it.I know that whatever i posted was real and though the desire to edit it , maybe even delete it, is here, i can not undo it or my blog would be a lie.Todays good fortunes, do not eradicate yesterdays pains, or we would be like computers,with the ability to reformat our minds and start anew.Irregardless of the pain, cost,I would rather be the human i am. Of course i wish i would learn better from my mistakes, but i guess thats part of me being myself.

         It was a great day, i watched Madison and Samantha, we played in the rain,danced a little bit, washed dishes,checked out some you tube videos,and talked to Donna over the phone. It rained like crazy, flooded the street,and attempted to flood the house.I took the pump from the pond and used it to drain the water from the front door,hehehehe. The children and i played in the rain, got soaked,but i did drape the kids in towels,and they loved the freedom of it all. Ok., I did too, no lie, hehehe. After the kids went home, Donna came in from work, the roads were shut down all over the place so it took a while, then we went ,checked on my mother, at her insistence, as i felt someone would call me if there was a problem.Then when there was no answer at the door, we had a neighbor with a key, open up the place,to find out she was not home, but out grocery shopping for her dogs birthday on saturday. It takes all kinds, hehehe, and she is definitely as much an individual as i am. My wife busted her ass at work today, a lot of people at work, had to go home early as they lived in areas were the roads were being completely blocked off, denying them access to home.I did offer to go over and help out but she was concerned over no one being at house if they shut the road down. As broke as we are, i offered to take her out for a bite ,and it was funny,we tried being cheap, but every place was closed, finally we ended up at the end of our street and she ordered some crab claws and chicken,42 bucks with tip, but she definitely deserved the reward for all she went through today. I did ask her to thaw something out for tomorrow ,so we did not have to eat out though,hehehe. The smile on her face as she devoured those crab claws made it all worthwhile. Then i brushed her hair and she passed out. I had hoped to go to the fireworks but they were canceled till tomorrow, and it was a rare night, she had nothing to complain about for a change.

         I was watching CNBC last night,the "QUEEN OF VERSAILLES" came on, a documentary about David Siegel and his wife. He built and owns Westgate Resorts, one of the largest privately owned time share companies in the world.It was a mixed story starting with him being one of the super rich, falling in bad straits financially ,and then the discovery thru the web, of his turning it all back around. Watching and researching it all made me think of my own story, nowhere near his financially, but the sinking of all i held dear, gave me reason to believe there was some similarity.Then tonight i was watching the new show called Hero, though no hero myself, i wished that i was in the show,if just to see how i held up morally,.Strange, i know,and no lie the money part is nice too.I know I seem to to give the appearance that life is all black and white, that is not true , there is a lot of grey,my problem or what bothers me is when people make statements ,or judgements , based on beliefs they state, then turn it around as a matter of more convenience for  themselves.

      My greatest fear,is too disappoint myself, through lack of effort or procrastination, I know this my worst enemy and it drives me nuts.If given a goal by others i will always overcome any obstacle, in order to accomplish it,my biggest weakness is self.

     well i am going to try to add some videos here to demonstrate my day and if it works i will add some to previous posts, and future ones, hehehehe.Have a great day, be grateful for what we have and may love be with you, Marino.

the rain, day before the 4th of July

         I am sitting here,pushing myself to post today, too many days have gone by, without a post, and the guilt is becoming too conscious. All too many moments where i am blahhing my days, kinda existing in a haze,that seems to only be enforced by moments of crisp clarity. I have moments where I feel as if I know the answers, only to reach a point where it seems fruitless. I drift without an anchor, my biggest loss,a sense of confidence in myself, and a general feeling of , damned if i do ,damned if i don't. Directionless, no shore in sight ,and for one of the few times, instead of trying to reach shore, just kicking my feet to barely keep afloat.
Watching CNBC, listening to conversation about the market and wondering,why? I torture myself, dreaming of my ifs,which are not real, i don't have the money,so my stocks would have made a pretty penny ,but i never had the money to put into them, and i cant seem too motivate myself.
       My last post was on the 24th, my birthday has passed and it is now the the day before the 4th, which i had hoped to be able to spend in Boston, gawd i want to kick myself in the ass. It is raining and i love the sound, i am typing hoping to bring myself around, and instead i cant shake this feeling ,what ever it is.Looking at others in my life, they are all doing well and i feel as if i am the only one who cant get his act together,and i am scared.i have all these answers, don't do anything, and wake up looking at myself ,with more distaste.Something good happens and while i am momentarily happy, i await the next drop of something bad too occur. Thunder,just rocked, i love the sound, of thunder and it gives me a moment where I say, to myself, even the heavens are getting pissed off at your attitude, and then i slump back.
      Normally, I would not post these feelings, of such negativity, honestly I don't know why I am doing it now. A last ditch appeal to self, a cry for help, that point where I just don't care that someone else may read this, even if it could cost me a job. There are times when out of fear, of someone reading my blog , I dont post things or the way i feel , in its entirety. Now, i am of two thoughts, either I don't care, or am I setting myself up for failure? It gets so tiring, not knowing, searching for answers, finding them, rejecting them for one reason or another, and then losing confidence in self.Afraid to go forward, to at least try. Help, so badly i want to ask for it, so afraid of the rejection. In my pursuit of living life, I have always been independant, maybe foolishly and secretly afraid to, be dependant on others, even to the point of not acknowledging my true interdependence, on others. On my birthday,i got in trouble with the state for not paying all the sales tax i owed, my bad, i was not spending it on things other then living expenses, i am just so afraid i am going to lose everything the wife has gotten to the point of calling me the kitchen police.I  know it sounds silly, a direct result of earlier years,when i went without, a point where i am scared too spend money,hoarding it out of fear,tomorrow there will be none.Even worse,that i will not have a home, live on the streets, eating out of a dumpster,rejected by family,and worst of all, the knowledge it is all my fault,i could have done something and i am not.Now, i am paying off the sales tax,which is leaving me with no cushion,actually i am not even paying some of my bills,and it scares the hell out of me.All i can think of is whats next, am i ever going to pull myself out, do i want to,can i muster the fight,or my biggest fear,have i lost the desire, the will to fight .
      I am scared, scared that Rep. Patronis will tell me there is nothing he could do for me, that if I ask the Lewis family for help, there will be none, that Claire Pease would laugh at my idea of buying carpet equip, trying to build my business, going out making cold calls and getting shut down. I fear reestablishing my business as an llc, the attempt of trying to get more work,and failing to run it properly.I am so afraid that in my tomorrows i will look back, in disgust at myself ,today, will i hate myself,? Am i done ,hell i fear waking up tomorrow,wondering what i will think of myself for posting this.Am i just whining, do  I just not care,i dont know, i have no problem helping others, but am so confused about helping myself,start out to do somethng positive maybe try,and i jsut lose heart.
     Holly, the accounts payable lady at Express Lane,when everything was being finalized, had a difficult time believing me when i tried to tell her the truth about Mark and the situation, I wonder if it ever crosses her mind now. It is so frustrating to tell the truth and then others whose opinions you value, doubt you. I want to believe in the right things,  I am afraid, of a loss of belief in people, a core of myself has been shaken up,and is sucking into the whirlpool of loss.Loss of self, the belief that i can make a difference,the trampling of my individuality by big business, the harsh reality that what i believed, argued,and stood up for,was moot.Scotty just asked me take him to work,so i have to leave but will return,as i sat here i thought to myself,don't forget to save this so if computer shuts down you wont lose it,and in the same thought i also stated don't save it ,maybe there will be a power surge and it will all disappear,and it wont be your fault. I am saving it so i don't dislike myself later for a moment of weakness.
    I am back,took Scotty to work and picked up some boxes for the girl who is having problems with husband.She got her restraining order now, and hopefully things will get better for her. Sometimes i wonder, if i am not jealous,over Donnas ability to help others,and that she is actually blooming under all this.I am losing it and she seems to be able to go forward. She is loving her job, losing weight and  tries to help all that she can. All these things show she is a pretty good person,and i am proud of her. Don't  always agree with her, but thats ok. Yesterday she gave me 50 bucks to help me with the bills, and i thought that was pretty nice, i tried to return it but then thought to myself, that i was being pig headed and had no right to deny her the satisfaction of trying to help.
   It stopped raining for a sec but its back now.So,lets see, what have i been up to for the last few days. Yesterday,Donna and I, worked together to help move some stuff for the girl with husband problems,put some stuff in storage and did some babysitting. Monday, i sat down with accountant,she was nice enough to let me vent and i paid the back fines i owed to get warrant removed. oh, yes, for one of the few times i also watched Defiance, as it came on instead of waiting till later in the week,hehehe. Sunday, was a day of blah and to try and shake it, I cut the grass and then Donna reminded me we had a birthday party to attend. It was at a gay club, downtown for one of the people she works with. Strangely, for me, I felt a little uncomfortable at first, but watching Donna relax and enjoy herself, combined with the friendliness of the other people, i did relax and enjoy myself. Saturday, i went to Spinnakers, i did not really enjoy myself too much,though as the night progressed i was pleasantly surprised to see that the club was getting more customers,which was nice.Here I confront another fer,of being ridiculed due to my age and wanting to dance, I do eventually get beyond it, but it does take longer.I know I am not that important, I just feel more and more as if people are looking,laughing at me.
   Friday, my birthday,no lie , i was disappointed,there were some good things,it was just not that great a day.   First, i discovered about the state tax situation,then when i asked for some help from the kids,no luck. I asked Christine and she replied they only had 4 thousand, that they were had some bills and needed money for their business, i explained i would give her money every week and that i would have it paid by the end of July,she said she could not help. I was upset, thinking back to how many times I had helped her ,times Rocky did not even know about as she did not want him to know, when i had to worry about making sure people got paid, or  a bill got delayed ,due to helping her out.The guys who worked with me always tried to tell me i was doing too much for them,  which i disagreed with , thinking if it was me needing help they would be there, learned my lesson. Michele, who is going to school told me she would talk to her husband, but never called me back. She does not have much money, i know, but at the same time was all for paying for Stormy to go down with her on a trip, there are times when any amount will help and this was one. Linda, hell, i know she dose not have any extra. Scotty, he offered to help if he got some money for his cords, yet he did not give me the 40 bucks he is supposed to every week.On and on it goes,what the hell,i am just bitching ,I guess.
     Lordy,lordy, the gas guy just came by,i know it sounds crazy , but Donna wants a gas stove ,has for awhile and i am trying to surprise her.The money was coming from some extra work i was gonna do for the county,which has now got to be used to catch up sales tax so i can re-establish as a llc company. I do feel a little better, after talking with the gas rep., he told me of some ways i may be able to save some money on installation,plus the tankless water heater goes outside which helps with bathroom plans. Now, i guess i will just have to make some money,hehehehe, same ole, same ole, as Linda would say..
     Writing, typing this, a thought which kept recurring,  in the latter part of all this, kept flashing through. How will i feel about this and my life, years from now, will i be able to laugh or will it be the downslide of the rest of my life. One of my biggest fears, about living, is regret that i will not be happy looking at my past. Today, though my life is not one of riches, fame, etc., I only have one major regret that will haunt me, two actually, both stem of the heart, one i have learned to deal with as being my own fault, the other I, have hidden,as they say, it is what it is, and perhaps some things are best left alone.Irregardless of what we feel. I think I am gonna call it a wrap now, I have been listening to the situation developing in Egypt in reference to their President Morsi. Happy July 4th, lots of luv,and may a smile grace your face, Marino.

waiting on the laundry

       I know , hard to believe 2 days in a row, but , that just goes to show you i  like to change it up, hehehehe. Actually, i am waiting for some clothes to dry so i can get the next couple of loads done, one uniforms for Donna and the some rags for cleaning, oh the joy, hahahaha. You know, i clean this house every day , do the dishes, laundry, make the bed, all that good stuff. Even when i am working full time, the reason is that when i was a bachelor, i never had anyone picking up after me, so i did it myself, and then when i did meet Donna , she did not like cleaning house too much and being a neat freak, i would end up doing it myself. As one of the girls said thats one thing they learned from me,hehehe.Its that instant gratification thing i think, clean it up and bam, it looks better right away, now that dose not mean i don't appreciate some effort on others part, but it is a rare thing when it does happen. Yes, i do get pissed once in awhile, at the rest for not trying harder, however i have to put the blame on myself, for not being more insistent on their help. Yup, done it to myself,hahaha.
      I was supposed to go to naval base today, but actually thought i told her i would call before my arrival,and she thought i would be there at 9am. On such mistakes are contracts lost, or the potential at any rate. I will definitely be on time tomorrow. ok, what else is going on,oh yeah, my propane buffer is ready. The shop called me today,and informed me they got one machine out of the two i have. They salvaged parts off both machines and got me a good buffer, I am so glad that i did not throw the other one away, it saved my butt.It cost me about 300.00, so it is one of those situations where i am going to have to borrow from peter to pay paul. Its not as bad as it seems though, i fixed my wet vac,had to put my swing machine, dual speed in and propane, all this month. With a little bit of luck that should wrap it up for a little bit anyway.
    The county told me that we were going to finish the rest of the floors soon, so that will get me some extra cash for gas and such as to get more work. My biggest problem is no web site, I tried to get that one they have on t.v., but after waiting over an hour, i finally hung up. On and on it goes,oh well another day, another play. I guess thats it for now,have to check the laundry, so enjoy this ,hope your chores are done and have a good one,love to you,me.

playing catch up after being depressed

         There are times when i would like to be able to lie on my blog, then i would not have to concern myself with what i say. I know that when i am having a rough time, depressed or anxious, i will sometimes wish to record it but don't for who knows who will read this, and my name is on it. Being the owner of a small business, i do moderate to some extent some of what i say. Why , don't i keep a diary, or some other form  to log those things? To do so would , tend to make this blog a fallacy, in my eyes, this way, though i do restrain myself, i also ensure i make mention, however fleeting of all things, in order to remain honest with myself.
         The day after my last post, i awoke in a slightly depressed state, which continued to worsen ,even when there was good news or things occurred that should have put a better spin in my darkening thoughts.I found myself in a funk , there was a meaningless to my battles with Kroger, Express Lane, and worse, a belief that my beliefs were false. Borne of too many books read, a false sense of what is right, and a piece of humble pie, when considering the odds. I love life, enjoy even the smallest things, and i do get scared when these moments arise. Suicidal, not me ,but the thoughts do arise, and then as justification, i think of how David Dillon,C.E.O. of Kroger , Bob President of Express Lane, or Mark Schoffer, would feel knowing it was a direct action of their inability to see the truth. Whoa, then i realize it would mean nothing to them, I am simply just another person, a vendor who used to work for them. See, the truth really is that simple, It is a world of big business, and people,individuals, are only of import, in the moment, and my moment has passed.
     Kandi Baisch, out of idle curiosity,which killed the cat,hehehe, i looked up, on the web, to find it appears she has been promoted to operations. I was happy for her, and also pissed  that she was paid no price for contributing to my demise.  It made feel less then, especially when i had never intended to cause any problems between her and Kroger. .Initially i even tried to communicate that to her, till she pulled the stunt of meeting with big Knox, hiring him , knowing he was working for me.Ah, hell time to get off this subject before i depress myself,hehehe.
      Scottys birthday was today and i have to admit, his sisters made me proud, they all got together for him and drove down to wish him a happy b-day. Christine made him a cake and they all showed him how special he is to them. Pretty good day all told and they gave me a sense of pride in the fact i, in a small way ,helped to shape these wonderful people into who they are.
     Saturday,yes i am going backwards,hehehe, was not too bad ,i was dead broke no money,for cigs,gas, i even had to borrow some money from Donna, just to keep the place running. I did get a small check in the mail which i was ohhh, ever so grateful for. I have truly learned to appreciate a buck a lot more.This is gonna sound crazy for sure. I just got up to check the dryer, doing Donnas uniform, and i FOUND 10 DOLLARS, in the dryer. No, i was washing some of my pants too, so it could be mine,hehehe, i will split with her in the morning so i don't feel guilty. Now where was i?  Ok, when i went to the store next door ,nick asked if i would clean up a small reset for him,so i told him no problem.His brother Sam was also there, i used to do his floors until he started lying to me, after which i told him to use someone else. He approached me and asked if i would reconsider working with him,I know i need the money, but it did leave a bad taste in my mouth. I think what i am going to do is type a proposal amenable to us both with a contract in reference to frequency of service and what day the work will be done if not upheld then ,it will be a case for the small claims court. That way we are both covered. I do need the work.
    Friday, now i have to think damn it,hehehe. before i for get i did got to Spinnakers saturday night, it was not too bad. I ran into an old friend of the families, Tammy, whose kids used to play with the girls when they were younger. She has decided to move out of state, N. Carolina i believe ,and try to restart her life,plus thats where her family is from. Her sister, whom i had met before, was a little buzzed and frivolous, but it was ok, I believe Tammy told her i was a bit of a loner in the clubs and that i don't dance with anyone, self excluded of course,hehehe. Friday, now i am beginning to remember, I picked my buffer up, had to borrow some money for that. No,that may have been the day before, i did get a call about a possible contract on the naval base though, kinda freaked me, and have been trying to figure out how they got my info all w/e, all good though.Tomorrow, i will go by and see whats up. Joey, from All American Carpet, came by and we talked for about an hour,business, improving my business,and life in general. He was kind enough to compliment me on work i had done in the yard and we discussed doing some work together in the future. I told him about doing cold calls , how they scared me, but with no website,etc., it was my only option so i wa trying.. I stayed home that night after contemplating going out , ifigured i had better keep what money i had left for smokes,hehehe.
    Thursday, was great, i had made a deal with my mothers foot doctor,or rather he did, to swap service for service.I started on his foyer which was grout and man i impressed even little ole me, that floor looked so much better, even i was impressed.I spent like 5 hours there and it felt so good working , i was overjoyed, well, i guess thats it. I have been spending more time with my mother ,so thats good and we seem to be getting along, its funny sometimes,I look at her ,feel  sympathetic for her situation, and realize, i also spend time with her, because i hope someone would do the same for me. Funny, and selfish i fear,maybe i will get better with time, i hope anyways, hehehe. Not perfect, just better. Thats what i believe we will call a wrap, until next time, take care, remember the bad times are so we appreciate the good times more,love ya,me

letter to new Express Lane president

                                                                                              CLEAN FLOORS ENT. INC.

7215 N. LAGOON DR

PANAMA CITY BEACH,FL. 32408

Hi Bob,

        I previously tried to contact you in reference to Express Lanes decision to terminate my use as a vendor for your floor care,i have sent you an e-mail,wishing to discuss the matter and also called numerous times at the office. As the president of Express Lane,i thought that you would show more interest in the situation or at least want to hear both sides of the story. This letter is to give you a little more info about situations you may be unaware of.

       Mark, your operations manager has been trying to bring the same floor company in for some time, even previous to the buy out. However, I am the one who had to replace them because of the quality of their work, in stores who had managers familiar with both companies work. Mark , also stated that their wax held up better, so I bought a different wax ,tried it at xl 37,that wax held up from the time I was told to stop doing the floors there by Reid Lewis till they tore it down. Mark was aware of this and even though he told me that I was going to get Tallahassee stores back,kept the other company. The sad thing here is that whenever I would do store 20,the other stores would be complaining of the work the other company was doing. I , suggested, not Mark,we do behind the counters,backrooms and bathrooms, Mark then told me it was not going to be allowed due to extra cost. Imagine,my surprise, a few weeks later, when I discover that the other company , has been told by the D.M., to start doing that exact work. Upon addressing the situation with Mark, he told me their contract was different, if so why had it not been done before. After the Kroger situation, Mark told me to just do the floors for Express Lane, that it would be easier on me and I would not have to worry. Foolishly, I concede, I thought about it and decided that would probably be best . At the end of June 2012,Mark requested a meeting with me, he then informed me the stores would only be done once a month, they would be done for 105.00 mth, and if I did not like it he would hire another company. I was quite simply shocked, I wrote Jim Lewis a letter , based on the fact I thought the company might be hurting financially,which you can ask him about. I also asked Mark about any extra work , scrubbing ceramic floors, painting,etc.,any thing that would generate extra income. To which he replied he would try to see if he could find any. Like most people, I live on a budget, determined by the income I have coming in , this played hell with ability to pay my bills. In Nov. I told Mark , that if he was trying to put me out of business, he had pretty well succeeded, and that I could not afford to keep doing the stores . This evidently, upset him , after further discussion, we agreed that I would strip all the floors , as was usual practice for the end of the year. It was during this time I first heard that the company may be bought out,which was a shocker for me. One of the thoughts that crossed my mind toward the end was why were we stripping the floors if being bought. A lot of people stated that it was not a sure thing so I figured Express lane was trying to ensure stores looked good for the holidays as norm.

         When I went in to pick up my last check from the strips , while in the office I heard that the Lewis s where wondering why the stores where being stripped. I was upset, I thought they knew and in addition did not want to have them think I was taking advantage of the situation. I waited over an hour for them to finish their meeting and met with Reid after wards. I told him about Marks and my previous meeting , where he authorized the strips, and Reid stated he believed me and was wondering what Mark was up to. While I was in the lobby after meeting Reid,about 15 mins. Later Mark walks in to tell me to stop all floor work. On asking why he states its due to the fact I am not on same service plan as the other company . Duhhhh. I have been ,but ok.. The next time I see him is when you and I met for the first time,accidentally at the store down the street from my house. I guess that was convenient for Mark, you know.

       So we have our meeting, I am sure you recall, and then after wards, Mark and I go to his office. He tells me to go right to work, knowing it has been rough on me financially and he would get me a check asap. I tell him I don’t have the money for gas and he loans me 50 dollars, I put in my tank. Then I turn in the invoices and call for my check at which time Holly tells me it will be about a mth or so. She doesn’t understand why Mark did not inform me , as this is SOP for Lehigh. Then I get another phone call from Holly asking me about my work orders, I explain no one said anything about them and that you and Mark had told me to get stores done so that’s what I was doing. She then informed me without the proper paperwork, I would not get paid. All this is new to me, no one had said anything previous to this conversation, she told me to wait till I got the paperwork from office ,which is what I did. I never got paid for 1 or 2 stores due to this. I called Mark and it was then he started to get paperwork done. I noticed on my paperwork that the it was only authorized up to June 30^th , which I thought was kinda strange,middle of the season you know. I even thought it might be standard ,however I learned later, maybe erroneously, that other companies had yearly contracts, oh well . We shall see.

      Sopchoppy, I really don’t know what you were told. I can assure you of this, the truth about that situation is going to be forthcoming. Mark, has lied to people in your office, that know me and it has left me with a bad taste in my mouth, in addition he tells me he is gonna give me a good recommendation and that just does not add up. The final nail in the coffin,is your new floor company, I ran into them at about 8-8:30 in the morning doing Express Lane 1,stripping the floor. They had not finished so I went back later, a little nervous to scope out their finished product ,fearful it might be better then mine. Oh yeah, first they don’t put down as many coats as I do and there edge work was not as good. They also told the store personnel,and manager they would be back that Friday and never showed. Then I heard from one of your customers about them stripping the store on Jenks ave. on a Saturday night, one of your busier nights and how the entire store was blocked off with the exception of the register area, at 7pm. When customers wanted something it was either no, or they were told to walk on the stripper,setting everyone up for a lawsuit, that is so unprofessional. When I did the stores I always, always put the customers first, if they could not get to merchandise,either myself or the clerks made sure they got what they wanted. Never would I allow a customer to be placed at risk by having them walk on stripper or wax, and if I had to redo a section to make sure the customer was taken care of, that’s one of the things that go with doing stores while they are open.

   Wrapping all this up, I realize you don't know me, I was favorably impressed with you agreeing to meet with me at the office and taking the time to discuss the floor care program. The only thing that bothered me during our conversation was that I personally don’t think you ask the question ,why, enough to get to the heart of a matter. Who am I to say though, I do realize that things can be misunderstood or misrepresented, especially if the other person such as yourself is not present ,or too busy to take matters into your own hands, that is after all the reason for other to help take up the slack or various duties. I have been working on this, I even briefly brought it up to Rep. Patronis ,while discussing another matter,in addition I have been advised to bring the situation to court,that will have to wait till I can afford a lawyer, if necessary. The one thing I will be doing for sure is bringing this matter to the attention of Lehigh's stock holders, one of the things about having a public company is that the shareholders have a right to know what is going on in the company. I do want to say thanks for giving me the opportunity to demonstrate my work to you,and granting me some of your time. One last thing why did Mark state to you that the floors had been done a couple of weeks before,when he had terminated my services before Xmas, leaving me to be the one who was honest with you,at XL 44.

Sincerely yours,

                                                                 Marino Vorrosso

the world is full of good intentions

   Finally, i wrote the letter to the new president of Express Lane, now i just have to e- mail or send some how.My wife was laughing with me as it took me almost 2 hours but ,i did get it done.I am watching "RAISE YOUR VOICE" a movie with music, made in 2004. As long as there is music i am happy,ahhh the sweetness of the song as it twists you inside. Youth its promise of dreams to be full filled ,a future of promises yet known. I laugh ,only a week or so till i am 58, but, check this out, the same holds true for me, hehehe. I simply have to keep putting those good intentions to work, which i will admit is not always easy. Actually, i am probably my biggest enemy, of course money would help, but it is what it is.

   Ha,ha,ha,ha, today we used up the last of our cash on hand, to ensure that a restraining order, for a friends abusive husband, got sent out overnight, 34 bucks,may not seem like a lot,but that was all we had. So i had to cash in our change which came to an amazing 27.00 bucks, plus the 5 in my wallet,minus the price of pads, for wifey,i have 25.00.  Now that will last us till friday , i hope,hahaha. Now thats if i don't have to buy some stripper to do a job for county, but i will come up with something if necessary.Its funny as the girl in the show just said,this is the scariest, fearful, and best thing that ever happened to me. Even if it all goes wrong, i will make an attempt on my intentions. 

  It has been an eventful day in ways, i had put my propane buffer in the shop, the other day and yesterday they told me the magneto was too far gone,and it was beyond repairing, today i took another one in and we will see what will be, i almost threw that one in the dump a week ago, but no room, someone was looking after me. I also had to put in my side by side, ole faithful, darn thing must be 8 years old, loud as hell but it runs, kinda like me,hehehe. I had to borrow 50 bucks but it is out, and at least i can work if it becomes available.Then to top it off, i went whole hog and put my electric high speed in, told him i wont need till next week,if propane is not fixable but, what the hell, at least it will be running, if i need it and can afford to get it out, hehehe.

   Just, put on my show, Defiance, missed it the other night, gotta love in demand, but that bill, oh well, gotta keep the wife happy,hahaha. i think i like the show because it is full of people who keep on rebounding from the bottom. Ahem , talking about finances,electric bill just came in over 200 bucks, I quietly flipped out , and unabashedly told everyone the air conditioner was only to be used when someone was home and frugally, unless ,of course its the wife. Bill has gone from 130 to 213,thats crazy, i don't care what anyone says. 

   I did get a call from the sales tax lady, she is actually pretty nice, but since i owe, scary too, unintentionally, i thought she knew i am out of work, but evidently not,so will have to get together with her before my b-day or else.

   Kenny, who used to work with me, called me today, just touching base i guess, he told me he was working at save-a-lot, bagging and that the company who stripped their floors charged 1100 bucks, hell i would do it for less.I guess thats part of my problem, the reality that worries me is i no longer have a crew. I have been assured that if needed they will come, sounds funny doesn't it, we shall see what will be if or rather when the time comes. I have to admit the future can be scary but then i am sure it will be rewarding. i am going to attempt to add the letter i wrote to the new president of Express Lane ,if it is here great , if not i tried,hehehe.Goodnite,have a good day,love to u and remember to trust, and believe in yourself, me. 

saturday,saturday nights alright

   The joy of life,work, which i needed, got a couple of extra jobs,which were tough but gave me that feeling of damn i am good ,hehehe, helped some people out ,met some new people,and yes the joy of feeling the music and my body entwining in the dance.This is probably gonna be done in two parts,just started while i am waiting for some one to pick up some childrens which is another story.As it is not my story, all i can do is touch on the basics, a friend of the wifes got picked up for misdemeanor ,we watched the kids while waiting for someone to post bail.the kids were fun, but while i enjoy them donna worries tooo much,hehehehe, i  just enjoy them being children.
   I have so much to say, love typing it all for tomorrows memories, yet dread my awful typing skills,hehehe,ok,one thing that has been on my mind a lot is the statement ,the world is full of good intentions,which means people intend to do things, but, they don't.Forever and a day i have been intending to send an email to the new president of express lane ,about my dismissal and the events i have heard of with the new floor crew. It has been on my mind quite a bit so tomorrow i am going to do it, i have said it so i will do it,if just not to be upset with myself for not doing it. I have tried a few times to call him but no response.
   Work, i am so weird, i love my job, it may be a dying thing but i cant stop the pleasure i deprive from it. It is kinda funny ,the more difficult the situation,the more of a challenge, the more i enjoy the battle,maybe not right then ,but conquering the situation,oh yeah thats what i am talking about. I know i should be traveling in a new direction ,my love for what i do, my desire to be the best in my field and sadly my fear of not being the best in another direction all combine to hinder me.Its a situation where i am i being the ultimate responsibility, for self am going to have to deal with, and quickly.I thought of going to school for retraining however at my age, with a bachelors degree or certificate, the truth ,being one of being 58 ,who is going to hire me? Then i tell myself there are plenty of people younger then me starting new ventures, so just try to build my company back up.
    My equipment is breaking down, it has served me well, but it breaks down and then i have to repair it and the charges take a nice bite out of my resources,duhhhhh,like a circle round and round. I have to laugh, it might be easier to get a job,though pay probably would not cover expenses, and admit i failed . the bullet is so hard to bite,and involves so many different aspects of my beliefs, i feel i would not be the same person. I realize i have changed due to the situations with kroger and express lane. I  hope that i have grown but to throw it all aside, i feel as i have admitted defeat, that i have been beaten, and worse my beliefs are invalid, that scares me, down to the foundations of my core.
    I get so serious and then i find myself laughing, life is good, situations arise, and we fight the fight. The young lady,just came to pick up her children and that situation worked out, and i am going out to dance,hehehehe,stop laughing last night a young man told me he was glad to see i was still at it and he was serious, i think it gives them hope that while we do get older we can still enjoy life,or so i have been told, besides i think they see my love for the dance, which tells them there is still passion in life as you get older.
    Sweat runs down my arms,back and chest,soaking my shirt,while cold air from the air conditioner blows and freezes me,smiling, i type this with thoughts of the club tonight.Prancing on my feet,celebrating the music moving inside of me,my cup overflowing,no desire to cease the drink,its nectar freeing my body of its inhiitations and limitations,freed, of normal human worry,transposed into a celebration of joy. Quite simply i danced. It was not as simple as it may seem,hehehe, first there is like no desire, i just stand there listening to the band till they finish their set,wondering all the while if i have lost my ability to feel the music,which is scary to me.Suddenly the d.j. starts playing a song with a strong rhythm and my soul begins to quicken, a smile starts to find its way onto my face as i begin to fill with the sound, stirring my body into a sensation akin to making love with the music,now it begins,fear of laughter, or being ridiculed ,swept away by the magical sensation of the moment,We blend together, caressed, subjected, surrendering, to a feeling of pure emotion ,erasing all thought, with a primal ,instinctive, celebration of being alive, I am alive,the ethereal beauty, is as indescribable, as love for another,especially when only moments before i had thought i lost a gift as precious as life, an ability to hear the underlying song the music sings to me.
     Life,without this, for me would be similar to living after the knowledge of loving , with another, then to have them disappear in totality from your life. So grateful, am i, that i am, fortunate enough to be the bearer of this gift.All the things that happen,fears and insecurities, are worth the joy of the dance, to feel music in my fashion, makes all those things a small price to pay upon its arrival.
    I saw some people,i know, they came up and said hi, which was nice, but knowing me moved on as they knew the music was moving me.Oh, that reminds me, some woman went up to the band last night in between sets, and people were kindas going, gaga, strange word but it works, turns out it was lisa lipps of porno fame, but honestly i was not that impressed when i first saw her or later when i found out,hehehe.
   Well thats all for now, the name of the band was the flamethrowers and they were ok,even if they don't play my style of music, there was a larger crowd, but i do believe i will be checking out la velas a little more, goodnight,lots of love,and keep those dancing shoes on.