imagine , a deer,still,lean ,quiet,the black sides of his soft furry nose,gently stirring with his breath ,eyes ,of warm brown piercing in all directions,his body held in a natural tension,imagine his body dancing in quiet step on a frivolous journey,through natural pastures,the nimble dance among the fallen leaves,dropped limbs of trees,and imagine .......flight,heart pounding, feet like lightning,a dark fear commanding ,all directions tried,fear shrinking ,driving heedlessly,safety ,a refuge sought,unknown,hidden,from what,.............imagine ,i am the deer,afraid ,of what?
laying in bed,watching tv,this picture came to me,maybe due to the day i had,i really dont know.I tried to hide from the world at first,got up early, watched the wife go to work,then looked around,went back to bed,.I was in hiding,just did not want to face life, did not want to not like myself,because,wife was working ,not me.i lay there trying to go to sleep and also knew there were things i had to do today,put money in kids accounts,buy supplies,you know live life.Fear, of a day before it began, the fear of waking tomorrow,to judge my actions this day as inadequate,not up to par,another day of failure.So i got up.
Showered, thinking of things to get done,procrastinating,so i did not have to start the day where i had already failed just for feeling this way.Cashed a check, i had been holding,i am learning,hehehe.So proud i bragged a bout it, and you know,the guy who cashed reminded me that for me to think ahead financially was something his boss,never thought i would learn.So,i am going to take a bow here,thank you On to the ank where i was responsible enough to take care of things i might have put off before,thinking it was not that important,but to others it may be..Then to get some supplies,for a job someone offered me due to my skill and work ethics.That little round of events,changed my entire perspective on my day.
Fear,insecurity,doubt ,these things are not easy for me to live with,but i do .Attacks,by these feelings happen all day,there are still good things blossoming with in my world though..As i drive during my little trips i range from one extreme to another.Mad at those who have taught me i have no control,to moments where i realize the simple act of driving my,old beat up van,makes me better off then some,so i am greatly and humbly thankful .
Dependence on others,thats kinda tough for me,i mean we all are dependant on someone to an extant,but here i am referring to my dependency on Rep. Patronis.My father was a really good guy,and one of a few, i could count on ,even when the truth hurt . Ron Browne he died,never disappointing me,and except for those two,anyone else i held in high regard or as my peer,well ,they just showed i was not that important.The reality is they did not ask for me to put them on their pedestals, so it is actually my bad ,my fault for desiring to believe in others. Mr. Patronis,hell, he doesn't even know me.If he checks me out through the Lewis family,Jim or Reed, i have no idea of what they will say,i know what i would like to believe,but thats another thing is it not,my perception. And that i believe is what scares me about Rep. Patronis, as much as i would like to believe i will carry the good fight on,in all actuality, he is like my last straw,lifevest.I feel guilty saying that. Am i using him as my final excuse? How do you convey the importance of a situation to another,making your case ,one of many i am sure. Does it have to come to life or death,to mark its importance,due to an inability to convey through conversation, the crumbling of a cornerstone of whats simply right or wrong? This is what i believe scares the hell out of me,my belief in him to help right a wrong,and my fear that i did not convince him of its importance.I wish to believe ,i hope for right ,and am so scared i screwed up again.Oh,well onwards and upwards,as i said i just figured this out and wanted to record it somewhere for myself.
Back to the real world,hehehe, cant get my damn propane buffer to run,which is driving me bonkers. I tried for 2 hours today,to get it to start ,to no avail,and of course i need it for work.Now i have to dip into my funds to fix it,which is really scary,and then hope its ready in time for the big job.
I haven't heard from Stoney today,why am i not surprised,he asked for me to submit a real bid,which i did,though i told him if he would just tell me what he had to work with,that would do it,financially.What pisses me off though is now i cant change the bid price,to work with him, as it was all done at his request,and he probably thinks it costs too much.Oh, well, a businessman is made,actually being forged would be the right description,hehehehe.
Moved out some furniture today,for which i am grateful. Donnas co worker finally got her own place,Donna was kind enough to help her with the financial aspect,and we moved most of the furniture out of the shed and house.She was fortunate enough to get an apartment,in the the same area as her family so thats pretty good, I do believe we have picked up another stray though,her husband ,boyfriend,has beat on her and she has two little ones,so ,she needs help with restraining order and probably with kids,etc,etc.we shall see.
Well, i am yawning now and it has turned into a fairly good day,things will get better and if not tomorrow sooner or later,for now though enjoy life,as much as you can,feel the love of one for another and i will catch you later,hehehehe
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Monday, June 10, 2013
just a quicky so i don't quit.
this is gonna be a quicky just so i dont get too far behind again,hehehe.In addition i am tired, however lets move on.Why do i do this to myself,hahaha, pissed off i was yesterday,just for a few moments.Went to see a customer who loved the way i did his inital strip,loved it so much he said that the floor looked too good to do now,even though he agreed to a monthly service.That kills me ,you go in, do the job to the best of your abilities,wow the customer, and then lo and behold,instead of keeping you going, they try to save money ,because you do a good job,and hold off on regular floor maintenance.i have had this happen a few times,even with large institutional customers. Then they wonder why companies, self excluded, give just the minimum.Personally i am beginning to believe its so they can keep coming back, as long as they do a job thats less then, the floor goes down quicker ,requiring them to service the job again.they make more money, the customer,wonders why quality is not there,etc.,etc.,just a vicious circle.
Then one of my former customers calls me to do a job for him,and in trying to work with him,he has helped me before, i ask what his budget is, to keep within it, and he tells me to just submit a bid.I do and it seems kinda high too me but everyone else thinks its quite fair,so we shall see what will be. I think there is a conspiracy afloat to turn me from a floor man into a business man, hehehe. I even tried to do a spreadsheet for the wife today, ughhhh what a nightmare, did it on a regular sheet afterwards, which i was proud of.
Scotty,gotta love the guy ,he is driving me to my wits end though.We only ask him to contribute 40 bucks a week and for one reason or another he cant even do that. i can sympathise when he only works one day out of the week due to the season,but what the hell will happen if he has to get his own place. His mother ,doesn't want to put too much pressure on him but i am truly worried about it.It dose not make me feel too good that he dose not think it is too important either.He states he knows how good he has it,that is not acting as if he appreciates it though.
Back to me,i wonder if i am not the one with the problem, trying to act as if peoples actions don't bother me when they do, simply because i have become accustomed to being treated as less then and allow it.No bs ,i have thought of just saying the hell with it and if i was on the outside looking in, i am sure i would ask why the hell i allow it. Crazy, the things we know,yet the way we allow things to escalate, like a snowball that becomes an avalanche,i have lost control and am afraid to stop it, the only way i can imagine, which is by jumping off the precipice of the cliff. I wake , i swear things are gonna be different, and instead same ole, same ole, i feel like its all over, an end, where i used to be,dwindling under the shadow of a being i hardly recognize, scared by this shadow as children fear the shadows of their childhood nightmares.
Alright,enough of the bleeding heart, i swear the blood is beginning to turn pink though i am becoming such a bitch,hehehe. Cleaned up around my new fence area, for the trash and tools,isn't it amazing how you can build a thing of beauty,then afterwards realize what a mess you left in the wake of its creation,hahaha.The egg light for the pond went on the blitz,with all the rain lately the pond is murky brown,silty as if someone had thrown dirt in.Waiting on the bio filter to kick in is truly a test of patience and my desire to shop,as i would love to buy a uv light for it . I did put together a couple of the old pond lights, one red and the other blue,sealed them with vaseline instead of silicone, cheaper,and am now testing them in the pond. I try to do something, even if its only a little, on a positive note to keep myself afloat. tomorrow beckons me with its promise of a new beginning,and yes a little fear,that nothing will change, beginning with me.Hark,hear it, there is always that possibility,that beautiful note, of my rebirth into a person i will like,actually respect anew. Singing bravely into my tomorrow, i bid you goodnight,lots of love, and a peace with yourself.love ya ,me.
Oh,hell for myself,i have been checking out some of the stocks i had intended to buy and they have all done fairly well, the penny stocks have really done well,though they have come down now but i would have sold them already and reaped a few benefits,but maybe now is a good time to buy a few dollars worth for the future.Maybe i will in 10 or 20 years be able to retire,hehehe.If not it will be fun to see what happens,see ending on a positive note again,well , truly thats it,later all.
Then one of my former customers calls me to do a job for him,and in trying to work with him,he has helped me before, i ask what his budget is, to keep within it, and he tells me to just submit a bid.I do and it seems kinda high too me but everyone else thinks its quite fair,so we shall see what will be. I think there is a conspiracy afloat to turn me from a floor man into a business man, hehehe. I even tried to do a spreadsheet for the wife today, ughhhh what a nightmare, did it on a regular sheet afterwards, which i was proud of.
Scotty,gotta love the guy ,he is driving me to my wits end though.We only ask him to contribute 40 bucks a week and for one reason or another he cant even do that. i can sympathise when he only works one day out of the week due to the season,but what the hell will happen if he has to get his own place. His mother ,doesn't want to put too much pressure on him but i am truly worried about it.It dose not make me feel too good that he dose not think it is too important either.He states he knows how good he has it,that is not acting as if he appreciates it though.
Back to me,i wonder if i am not the one with the problem, trying to act as if peoples actions don't bother me when they do, simply because i have become accustomed to being treated as less then and allow it.No bs ,i have thought of just saying the hell with it and if i was on the outside looking in, i am sure i would ask why the hell i allow it. Crazy, the things we know,yet the way we allow things to escalate, like a snowball that becomes an avalanche,i have lost control and am afraid to stop it, the only way i can imagine, which is by jumping off the precipice of the cliff. I wake , i swear things are gonna be different, and instead same ole, same ole, i feel like its all over, an end, where i used to be,dwindling under the shadow of a being i hardly recognize, scared by this shadow as children fear the shadows of their childhood nightmares.
Alright,enough of the bleeding heart, i swear the blood is beginning to turn pink though i am becoming such a bitch,hehehe. Cleaned up around my new fence area, for the trash and tools,isn't it amazing how you can build a thing of beauty,then afterwards realize what a mess you left in the wake of its creation,hahaha.The egg light for the pond went on the blitz,with all the rain lately the pond is murky brown,silty as if someone had thrown dirt in.Waiting on the bio filter to kick in is truly a test of patience and my desire to shop,as i would love to buy a uv light for it . I did put together a couple of the old pond lights, one red and the other blue,sealed them with vaseline instead of silicone, cheaper,and am now testing them in the pond. I try to do something, even if its only a little, on a positive note to keep myself afloat. tomorrow beckons me with its promise of a new beginning,and yes a little fear,that nothing will change, beginning with me.Hark,hear it, there is always that possibility,that beautiful note, of my rebirth into a person i will like,actually respect anew. Singing bravely into my tomorrow, i bid you goodnight,lots of love, and a peace with yourself.love ya ,me.
Oh,hell for myself,i have been checking out some of the stocks i had intended to buy and they have all done fairly well, the penny stocks have really done well,though they have come down now but i would have sold them already and reaped a few benefits,but maybe now is a good time to buy a few dollars worth for the future.Maybe i will in 10 or 20 years be able to retire,hehehe.If not it will be fun to see what happens,see ending on a positive note again,well , truly thats it,later all.
Friday, June 7, 2013
part two of the last six months, i will finish it hopefully soon
The question here is where do i begin,my mind travels in so many directions,encompassing all directions, all thoughts exploding with the importance of the big bang to dart into another direction ,another big bang,eventually dwindling to where did i start, and what was the beginning point of this thought. Hehehehe, lost in my own mind, laughter erupting at the attempted ordering of a fragmented thought or thoughts. As an explorer would say,push on,and see what delights or fears we shall encounter.So let it begin.
Continuing in the journey of the last six months, lets begin with my meeting with Rep. Patronis, which i had as his aide reminded me waited 2 years for. Not his bad but mine, i had almost given up on being able to do anything about the kroger situation without money, however the more people who i talked too, the greater the thought by them that he could be the one to bridge the gap, between kroger and myself. I had to waut as he was occupied with another situation and during that time, his aide was kind enough to spend some time with me ,listening to my tale of woe,hehehe, and pointing out key points,for which i was grateful. When we actually sat together too talk, i found him to be a personable type, well suited in that manner for public affairs. Which i will confess also makes me feel , he might erroneously think, to be pleasant and let it go, which is not going to happen.As i told his aide, irregardless of the consequences, i will post the entire story on the internet and between my gaming friends and the social network i have , it will definately go viral especially if i resource the news industry. Ok, back to the meet, he asked what i wanted and why the sexual harassment was so important to me, to which i replied, a district attorney , a lie detector test, and a meeting with Mr. Dillon, and that the sexual harassment was important because it is a legal base. He was kind enough to explain he would be tied up for awhile and give the matter some thought,getting back to me in a month or so. So, we shall see what will be . Enough on that.
A pleasant surprise for me, i just discovered, they made a movie of a book i enjoyed, The Girl Who Played With Fire, it is part of the trilogy of the,Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, which i could not stop reading once i started. Though sub titled its still enjoyable.It was one of the few new books i wanted to have a signed first edition of,which led me to the sad discovery of the authors death before publication,alas, a literary loss for many of us.
Now,lets see what results come forward as i gently try to recall more momentous or poignant memories of the last few months.Lets start with family, a great rift, maybe of my own mind has begun healing,i am a person who for better or worse, relies on his own thoughts and feelings. i was dismayed, hurt ,bewildered, by what i perceived as a lack of support from my family over the kroger situation and the resulting financial blow. Things are getting better, the wife feels i was jealous of others good fortune, which to me is not true, it was quite simply the absence of any offer to help, which we have always done any time we found some one was in need or distress.Now we are getting along better, or rather i am making myself more available, as i isolated myself, to prevent any more feelings of either imagined or real hurt. Besides who can resist the beauty of their grandchildren, the joy of watching those you once had to support, overcome lifes trials to reign in victory their journey in life.So thats a good thing.
Reading, one of my loves, how sweet it is to journey on paths, opening your mind,enriching the virgin thoughts to places previously unknown, A chalice for my minds imagination, the e reader my wife gave me,Smashwords one of the e reader publicist, has bestowed on me the chance to read at no charge and discover works by authors i would have never met any other way.What a fantastic ride, i read a new book almost twice a week, have discovered some great authors,and if my mind was not such a sieve would be awaiting their next book with rapturous hunger. Woe, my mind flitters, like the butterfly from one book to the next,devouring, yet only particles remain, like crumbs at the dinner table,a reminder of the fabulous feast that had existed.
My body,ughhhhhh, all this disparity, lack of self esteem, its like i want to punish myself, of course the lack of work which helped keep me in shape has not helped either.So out of shape,this really bothers me, i get depressed and binge. So often i have heard of others in this predicament never envisioning myself there. I feel as if i am on a path to self destruction, to others its not that apparent, to me its humongous, all a part of my own self image.Yes, i lie to myself,gonna join a gym, run, all the usual, but the truth shows in my belly, so sad, hopefully i will take action soon.
My yard, here i lose myself in enjoyment, and it offers me the ability to state i am working on my gut,hehehehe.I cant believe how much i like piddling in my yard, part of it, no denial, is to throw it in my neighbor's face for trying to ostracize me through the use of their fences, thats just a side shoot though. I really like seeing the changes that are so evident,hehehehe, similar to doing floors. Aways after that instant gratification i am. Currently i am working on building a fenced in area to hide the trash cans, and other items that could possibly, hehehe, be construed as eyesores.One good thing about it is that it is a never ending affair, being on a tight budget i always have another idea by the time i have more money. I will confess that when i started i said one thing at a time, currently i have 4 projects,hahaha. While i have gotten better at managing my money, the same can not be said of managing my workload, seems like one thing leads to another.
Basically, even with my flaws i am beginning to like myself again, till next time anyway.Worry, for a guy who refused to do much of it before, now it is a continuous process. Fear, something i was unfamiliar with,is now a constant companion,and worry, well i guess i am growing up, its there everyday, i am human, nor am i invincible, I am making it though, just like everyone else, and you know what, i still enjoy roller coasters.
good night, i am going to finish watching my movie and give a shout out on facebook,later all, enjoy the ride,and don't be ashamed to be afraid, it is part of the thrill,love ya.
Continuing in the journey of the last six months, lets begin with my meeting with Rep. Patronis, which i had as his aide reminded me waited 2 years for. Not his bad but mine, i had almost given up on being able to do anything about the kroger situation without money, however the more people who i talked too, the greater the thought by them that he could be the one to bridge the gap, between kroger and myself. I had to waut as he was occupied with another situation and during that time, his aide was kind enough to spend some time with me ,listening to my tale of woe,hehehe, and pointing out key points,for which i was grateful. When we actually sat together too talk, i found him to be a personable type, well suited in that manner for public affairs. Which i will confess also makes me feel , he might erroneously think, to be pleasant and let it go, which is not going to happen.As i told his aide, irregardless of the consequences, i will post the entire story on the internet and between my gaming friends and the social network i have , it will definately go viral especially if i resource the news industry. Ok, back to the meet, he asked what i wanted and why the sexual harassment was so important to me, to which i replied, a district attorney , a lie detector test, and a meeting with Mr. Dillon, and that the sexual harassment was important because it is a legal base. He was kind enough to explain he would be tied up for awhile and give the matter some thought,getting back to me in a month or so. So, we shall see what will be . Enough on that.
A pleasant surprise for me, i just discovered, they made a movie of a book i enjoyed, The Girl Who Played With Fire, it is part of the trilogy of the,Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, which i could not stop reading once i started. Though sub titled its still enjoyable.It was one of the few new books i wanted to have a signed first edition of,which led me to the sad discovery of the authors death before publication,alas, a literary loss for many of us.
Now,lets see what results come forward as i gently try to recall more momentous or poignant memories of the last few months.Lets start with family, a great rift, maybe of my own mind has begun healing,i am a person who for better or worse, relies on his own thoughts and feelings. i was dismayed, hurt ,bewildered, by what i perceived as a lack of support from my family over the kroger situation and the resulting financial blow. Things are getting better, the wife feels i was jealous of others good fortune, which to me is not true, it was quite simply the absence of any offer to help, which we have always done any time we found some one was in need or distress.Now we are getting along better, or rather i am making myself more available, as i isolated myself, to prevent any more feelings of either imagined or real hurt. Besides who can resist the beauty of their grandchildren, the joy of watching those you once had to support, overcome lifes trials to reign in victory their journey in life.So thats a good thing.
Reading, one of my loves, how sweet it is to journey on paths, opening your mind,enriching the virgin thoughts to places previously unknown, A chalice for my minds imagination, the e reader my wife gave me,Smashwords one of the e reader publicist, has bestowed on me the chance to read at no charge and discover works by authors i would have never met any other way.What a fantastic ride, i read a new book almost twice a week, have discovered some great authors,and if my mind was not such a sieve would be awaiting their next book with rapturous hunger. Woe, my mind flitters, like the butterfly from one book to the next,devouring, yet only particles remain, like crumbs at the dinner table,a reminder of the fabulous feast that had existed.
My body,ughhhhhh, all this disparity, lack of self esteem, its like i want to punish myself, of course the lack of work which helped keep me in shape has not helped either.So out of shape,this really bothers me, i get depressed and binge. So often i have heard of others in this predicament never envisioning myself there. I feel as if i am on a path to self destruction, to others its not that apparent, to me its humongous, all a part of my own self image.Yes, i lie to myself,gonna join a gym, run, all the usual, but the truth shows in my belly, so sad, hopefully i will take action soon.
My yard, here i lose myself in enjoyment, and it offers me the ability to state i am working on my gut,hehehehe.I cant believe how much i like piddling in my yard, part of it, no denial, is to throw it in my neighbor's face for trying to ostracize me through the use of their fences, thats just a side shoot though. I really like seeing the changes that are so evident,hehehehe, similar to doing floors. Aways after that instant gratification i am. Currently i am working on building a fenced in area to hide the trash cans, and other items that could possibly, hehehe, be construed as eyesores.One good thing about it is that it is a never ending affair, being on a tight budget i always have another idea by the time i have more money. I will confess that when i started i said one thing at a time, currently i have 4 projects,hahaha. While i have gotten better at managing my money, the same can not be said of managing my workload, seems like one thing leads to another.
Basically, even with my flaws i am beginning to like myself again, till next time anyway.Worry, for a guy who refused to do much of it before, now it is a continuous process. Fear, something i was unfamiliar with,is now a constant companion,and worry, well i guess i am growing up, its there everyday, i am human, nor am i invincible, I am making it though, just like everyone else, and you know what, i still enjoy roller coasters.
good night, i am going to finish watching my movie and give a shout out on facebook,later all, enjoy the ride,and don't be ashamed to be afraid, it is part of the thrill,love ya.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
6 months!!! too long lets cover some bases,hehehehe
Hello,hello, hello,damn it has been awhile.6 mths of a roller coaster , the likes i have never experienced , up, down, sideways, sometimes i felt like a ping pong ball,slammed with no control,hehehehe. You know what i am still standing, which i will admit surprises me.I think i could write a mini-novel here,but for now i am just going to hit the highlights real quick,well maybe not quickly,hehehe, but to a minimum and then greater detail in following blogs.
Hmmm,lets start with the new express lane corp.. I accidently ran into mark,head of operations and the new president, bob, at the store down the street.Mark introduced me and bob stated he wanted floors done,i requested a meeting frst to make sure we were on the same page.We met discussed floor care, my situation with kroger, the fact i did not really care about money a lot,which he thought was nuts,love my job, hehehehe, and commenced taking care of stores again.Thought of talking to him about mark but decided not to,woe is me.Did the floors for about 6 weeks, and even though the contract was till june 30, mark due to a situation canceled my floor care. I did catch up on my bills and manage to save a little money, so that made it worth my while.
The situation, arose over me buffing the coffee aisle, finishing it , coming out to the front, startling a woman a little bit, trying to make it humorous by stating i was just trying to get closer to her.She even smiled and rolled her eyes,now please understand the buffer was like a foot away and i was probably 4 or 5 feet away standing in the beginning of the coffee aisle ,facing the register. i figured the machine being close spooked her and i was simply trying to put her at ease.At any rate , about a week later mark tells me to put the store on hold for a little bit, due to a situation, which surprised me.I call the store to talk to the guy who was working that night to see if he knew anything, and he said no,after talking a bit ,he recollects the incident with the girl as being the only thing he could think of because she had rolled her eyes at him after i said that, but that he could not believe that was the reason.Until he reminded me, i had not even remembered the event, after he told me, i went to see mark the next day who had told me he did not know anything, the same story the clerk told me.After telling him what the clerk said he told me he did not see a problem just to hold off on doing the store for a little bit. I agreed and went back to work thinking all was good.The following week i got sick evidently, my ear got infected and it through my sense of balance of. It was actually kinda funny, i kept tripping over things, hitting walls, it scared the wife , and i got scared when it affected my driving. Went to county and they put me on antibiotics to beat it.Then that wed., ibelieve holly calls me to ask for all my invoices, as she wanted to make sure i got paid for everything, as mark told her he had told me i was no longer doing floor care for express lane. Lo, i was shocked, told her mark never told me that and he was lying, she insisted he told me that last time we met and i told her,if that was so why did i do stores the following week.I did try to get ahold of the president but he never returned my email. which says a lot,to me anyway. For years, mark has been trying to get a floor company he hired into the rest of my stores to no avail. Actually, i had been requested by managers who knew of my work, to come back and do their floors as they were not happy with the other companies work.Well i guess that is the way it goes, i am debating taking them to court but have not made up my mind yet,the girl that all this started over told the the clerk she had never thought i would lose my work, she did not think it was that big a deal,she was a regular customer and it came up while talking to the manager a day or 2 later, never thinking all this would happen. Mark evidently saw an opportunity and ran with it, so he could get the other company in.
The funny thing is,i was worried that the new company would do a better job then me and then i accidently ran into them doing store 1, about 8:30 in the morning first i was surprised at the late time they were in, then when i went back later to see how it looked ,relieved because they did not do as good a job as me. In addition they told the store they would be back on friday night to buff it out, and of course they were not.For the first time the beach stores were not up to par for bike week or memorial weekend,the other stores i have no idea,but if this was the old express lane my butt would have been in trouble,the lewis family always expected their stores to be better then anyone elses.Then i hear they do the store on jenks on a saturday night,shutting most of the store down after 7 pm,refusing to assist customers and even telling them to go ahead and walk on the stripper. Quite unprofessional, and setting everyone up for failure.Oh well,we shall see what will be.
Good things have happened too, people have been trying to help me, setting me up with work or extra work, trying to instill a positive atmosphere into me. I also started playing combat arms again,hehehe, killing and dying, i will admit it was nice to find so many people missed me. Actually it was shocking in the nicest way, i have been a slacker lately,my computer is acting up again,ughhhhhh. Hopefully i will be back playing again shortly, oh yeah, ROTOR, a game i played years and i do mean years ago,15 probably, finally got it to play on my computer using a dos box. Talk about a blast from the past and so much fun, however there is no save game so i have to start from the beginning to get to the challenging levels and then i die, hehehehe, hours of work for 30 min to hour of intense play, what a sap i am, but what a joy it is.
I also got the neighborhood store back, they apologised, i accepted,no problem,its all been good since.Life is kinda interesting, the way it works, up,down, then a little thing brings you back up.On that note.
My pond, ever since the kroger debacle, its been lying there a constant reminder, a hole, empty ,dark ,a mess,of beauty once seen now gone.SURPRISE, i took some of the money i had left from express lane and redid it,actually with the exception of no koi fish, it actually looks better now then it did before, not only to me but others also.You can see it on my facebook page, while i am thinking of it,one of my lessons that i learned and took to heart,i do not play with money now. I discovered i have learned ,sadly, to more realistic in the handling of it.I don't play with it, i actually try to have next months bills money in hand before i go crazy, spending on things i want. This was something i never would have thought of 3 years ago.guess it took hardship to teach me, i only hope the fear does not run too deep.
I am getting kinda tired now,but, want to share one more thing, i was at a store yesterday and the wife got a little nervous by this big guy who looked pissed off to her, following me as i left the store.I dont know who he was but he came up to me asking why i dont do the stores by him anymore,Puzzled i asked which ones ,to which he replied the tom thumbs.Almost three years later and people still remember me. What a remember when, after i explained the situation to him, he told me he might have some work for me.I dont know who he was , but i believe that says a lot, my work is still remembered and appreciated.On that note i am saying good night,hehehe,tomorrow i will talk about my meeting with rep.patronis,and what else i have been up to till then sayonara, and yes , i hope you enjoyed this, i enjoyed my memoir for the future and i wish you well.
Hmmm,lets start with the new express lane corp.. I accidently ran into mark,head of operations and the new president, bob, at the store down the street.Mark introduced me and bob stated he wanted floors done,i requested a meeting frst to make sure we were on the same page.We met discussed floor care, my situation with kroger, the fact i did not really care about money a lot,which he thought was nuts,love my job, hehehehe, and commenced taking care of stores again.Thought of talking to him about mark but decided not to,woe is me.Did the floors for about 6 weeks, and even though the contract was till june 30, mark due to a situation canceled my floor care. I did catch up on my bills and manage to save a little money, so that made it worth my while.
The situation, arose over me buffing the coffee aisle, finishing it , coming out to the front, startling a woman a little bit, trying to make it humorous by stating i was just trying to get closer to her.She even smiled and rolled her eyes,now please understand the buffer was like a foot away and i was probably 4 or 5 feet away standing in the beginning of the coffee aisle ,facing the register. i figured the machine being close spooked her and i was simply trying to put her at ease.At any rate , about a week later mark tells me to put the store on hold for a little bit, due to a situation, which surprised me.I call the store to talk to the guy who was working that night to see if he knew anything, and he said no,after talking a bit ,he recollects the incident with the girl as being the only thing he could think of because she had rolled her eyes at him after i said that, but that he could not believe that was the reason.Until he reminded me, i had not even remembered the event, after he told me, i went to see mark the next day who had told me he did not know anything, the same story the clerk told me.After telling him what the clerk said he told me he did not see a problem just to hold off on doing the store for a little bit. I agreed and went back to work thinking all was good.The following week i got sick evidently, my ear got infected and it through my sense of balance of. It was actually kinda funny, i kept tripping over things, hitting walls, it scared the wife , and i got scared when it affected my driving. Went to county and they put me on antibiotics to beat it.Then that wed., ibelieve holly calls me to ask for all my invoices, as she wanted to make sure i got paid for everything, as mark told her he had told me i was no longer doing floor care for express lane. Lo, i was shocked, told her mark never told me that and he was lying, she insisted he told me that last time we met and i told her,if that was so why did i do stores the following week.I did try to get ahold of the president but he never returned my email. which says a lot,to me anyway. For years, mark has been trying to get a floor company he hired into the rest of my stores to no avail. Actually, i had been requested by managers who knew of my work, to come back and do their floors as they were not happy with the other companies work.Well i guess that is the way it goes, i am debating taking them to court but have not made up my mind yet,the girl that all this started over told the the clerk she had never thought i would lose my work, she did not think it was that big a deal,she was a regular customer and it came up while talking to the manager a day or 2 later, never thinking all this would happen. Mark evidently saw an opportunity and ran with it, so he could get the other company in.
The funny thing is,i was worried that the new company would do a better job then me and then i accidently ran into them doing store 1, about 8:30 in the morning first i was surprised at the late time they were in, then when i went back later to see how it looked ,relieved because they did not do as good a job as me. In addition they told the store they would be back on friday night to buff it out, and of course they were not.For the first time the beach stores were not up to par for bike week or memorial weekend,the other stores i have no idea,but if this was the old express lane my butt would have been in trouble,the lewis family always expected their stores to be better then anyone elses.Then i hear they do the store on jenks on a saturday night,shutting most of the store down after 7 pm,refusing to assist customers and even telling them to go ahead and walk on the stripper. Quite unprofessional, and setting everyone up for failure.Oh well,we shall see what will be.
Good things have happened too, people have been trying to help me, setting me up with work or extra work, trying to instill a positive atmosphere into me. I also started playing combat arms again,hehehe, killing and dying, i will admit it was nice to find so many people missed me. Actually it was shocking in the nicest way, i have been a slacker lately,my computer is acting up again,ughhhhhh. Hopefully i will be back playing again shortly, oh yeah, ROTOR, a game i played years and i do mean years ago,15 probably, finally got it to play on my computer using a dos box. Talk about a blast from the past and so much fun, however there is no save game so i have to start from the beginning to get to the challenging levels and then i die, hehehehe, hours of work for 30 min to hour of intense play, what a sap i am, but what a joy it is.
I also got the neighborhood store back, they apologised, i accepted,no problem,its all been good since.Life is kinda interesting, the way it works, up,down, then a little thing brings you back up.On that note.
My pond, ever since the kroger debacle, its been lying there a constant reminder, a hole, empty ,dark ,a mess,of beauty once seen now gone.SURPRISE, i took some of the money i had left from express lane and redid it,actually with the exception of no koi fish, it actually looks better now then it did before, not only to me but others also.You can see it on my facebook page, while i am thinking of it,one of my lessons that i learned and took to heart,i do not play with money now. I discovered i have learned ,sadly, to more realistic in the handling of it.I don't play with it, i actually try to have next months bills money in hand before i go crazy, spending on things i want. This was something i never would have thought of 3 years ago.guess it took hardship to teach me, i only hope the fear does not run too deep.
I am getting kinda tired now,but, want to share one more thing, i was at a store yesterday and the wife got a little nervous by this big guy who looked pissed off to her, following me as i left the store.I dont know who he was but he came up to me asking why i dont do the stores by him anymore,Puzzled i asked which ones ,to which he replied the tom thumbs.Almost three years later and people still remember me. What a remember when, after i explained the situation to him, he told me he might have some work for me.I dont know who he was , but i believe that says a lot, my work is still remembered and appreciated.On that note i am saying good night,hehehe,tomorrow i will talk about my meeting with rep.patronis,and what else i have been up to till then sayonara, and yes , i hope you enjoyed this, i enjoyed my memoir for the future and i wish you well.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
christmas come and gone
not a creature is stirring not even a mouse, well the cat is eating i just let her in.Woops, Scotty just came out and he is eating again.Two minutes ago i thought i was all alone,everyone sleeping, just finished watching Pitch Perfect, AWESOME, and figured i would throw up a quick post, while i was all alone, now it seems like all came out to check on me. hehehehehe, life is like that sometimes, moments where it seems i fight the battle all alone and then from no where, a voice,maybe a beautiful smile i have missed for too long, or words of encouragement come along. Life is what it is and i, have temporarily ran out of a thing too say. Ok, i am back,hehehe, what a strange, strange Christmas, disappointing, anger, joy, love, the gauntlet i have experienced, as i have heard others say, it was the worst of times, it was the best of times, it was Christmas time
Gifts, ohhhhh, i know Christmas is not about gifts, well for me it is, I love giving them, receiving is great but giving makes me feel like a real Santa, The wonder, surprise, quirky smiles,how did you know, that look in their eyes when they come aglow, the you shouldnt have, with the underlying, but i am glad you did, that feeling i get when I hit the mark. Not this year, it has been sad, maybe selfish because i wanted to give to get those things i just talked about, but what the hell ,no money,maybe no work and it all worked out.I had nothing to give, but the gift of self, and for some that seemed enough, i had to overcome an inner battle, that some where aware of, and instead of leaving , i stayed, for though i can not say evil thoughts were not in my mind, for everyone else, and for myself , I put those feelings aside, played with the little ones, talked with the grown ups and actually had a good time. I wont lie, when gifts were passed out, i was embarrassed none were from me, anger at my myself, yeah it was there, but what can i honestly say. Do I really believe i will change, stop being who i am, I may, Just may be financially a little smarter, or cautious i guess, but the dreamer in me, well i cant lose who i am. The price to others, may not have seemed great, but inside i know me and it bothered me that no gifts was i able to give. Money management 101, here i come, I sure hope so anyway. I laugh at myself thinking,my silly thoughts, you know till Saturday after all the fed ex deliveries were done, the dreamer in me kept saying that the Lewis family, knowing i had no money for Christmas would reach out and do some thing. I tried like hell to get some kind of work to no avail, and phone calls to Mark in operations never got returned.I have no one to blame but myself, and even if it was only a dream, well just the possibility made the time easier to deal with, so even when reality ended up crashing at my door,the previous hope I had softened the blow. Now I just have to get my breath, blow it out slow, and back into the fight I go, a little bit wiser,more subjective, and loving the thought of a brighter day.
At Christenes we talked a lot about this and different things, apologizing for my inabilty to do anything, Christmases past they said more then made up for today and though that was nice, there is still a hole i have to fill some way.Children playing, feelings of family were there, but inside, through it all, i felt alone, insufficient, like all were judging me. Now i know thats not true, but i hate coming last,empty handed, it scares to think, i could end up in my past. A perplexing study of humanity, i must seem,all saying it is ok, except that voice in me. I guess i am set in my ways ,dreamer, schemer, a throwback to early days where the head of house, hell he dose not make mistakes, in public anyways. I screw things up and ,though i always say , no shame in my game, when i screw up, its out there, for I have no volume control either,hehehe. I have never been shy about what i believe, never been shy about standing up for those beliefs, not that I am always right, i have learned from many,but, I stand tall until i am proven wrong, then humbly accept i dont know all, am thankful to learn, and try to be open minded enough to learn more. So maybe, this Christmas was supposed to be a lesson in humility which I say without any candor or pity, at any rate ,the gifts i received where, those , of acceptance, caring, love a the knowledge ,maybe the reminder, it is not about what,but who in the truest meaning of Christmas. Or at least something like that, i am sure i know what i mean,Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night, love ya, me
Gifts, ohhhhh, i know Christmas is not about gifts, well for me it is, I love giving them, receiving is great but giving makes me feel like a real Santa, The wonder, surprise, quirky smiles,how did you know, that look in their eyes when they come aglow, the you shouldnt have, with the underlying, but i am glad you did, that feeling i get when I hit the mark. Not this year, it has been sad, maybe selfish because i wanted to give to get those things i just talked about, but what the hell ,no money,maybe no work and it all worked out.I had nothing to give, but the gift of self, and for some that seemed enough, i had to overcome an inner battle, that some where aware of, and instead of leaving , i stayed, for though i can not say evil thoughts were not in my mind, for everyone else, and for myself , I put those feelings aside, played with the little ones, talked with the grown ups and actually had a good time. I wont lie, when gifts were passed out, i was embarrassed none were from me, anger at my myself, yeah it was there, but what can i honestly say. Do I really believe i will change, stop being who i am, I may, Just may be financially a little smarter, or cautious i guess, but the dreamer in me, well i cant lose who i am. The price to others, may not have seemed great, but inside i know me and it bothered me that no gifts was i able to give. Money management 101, here i come, I sure hope so anyway. I laugh at myself thinking,my silly thoughts, you know till Saturday after all the fed ex deliveries were done, the dreamer in me kept saying that the Lewis family, knowing i had no money for Christmas would reach out and do some thing. I tried like hell to get some kind of work to no avail, and phone calls to Mark in operations never got returned.I have no one to blame but myself, and even if it was only a dream, well just the possibility made the time easier to deal with, so even when reality ended up crashing at my door,the previous hope I had softened the blow. Now I just have to get my breath, blow it out slow, and back into the fight I go, a little bit wiser,more subjective, and loving the thought of a brighter day.
At Christenes we talked a lot about this and different things, apologizing for my inabilty to do anything, Christmases past they said more then made up for today and though that was nice, there is still a hole i have to fill some way.Children playing, feelings of family were there, but inside, through it all, i felt alone, insufficient, like all were judging me. Now i know thats not true, but i hate coming last,empty handed, it scares to think, i could end up in my past. A perplexing study of humanity, i must seem,all saying it is ok, except that voice in me. I guess i am set in my ways ,dreamer, schemer, a throwback to early days where the head of house, hell he dose not make mistakes, in public anyways. I screw things up and ,though i always say , no shame in my game, when i screw up, its out there, for I have no volume control either,hehehe. I have never been shy about what i believe, never been shy about standing up for those beliefs, not that I am always right, i have learned from many,but, I stand tall until i am proven wrong, then humbly accept i dont know all, am thankful to learn, and try to be open minded enough to learn more. So maybe, this Christmas was supposed to be a lesson in humility which I say without any candor or pity, at any rate ,the gifts i received where, those , of acceptance, caring, love a the knowledge ,maybe the reminder, it is not about what,but who in the truest meaning of Christmas. Or at least something like that, i am sure i know what i mean,Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night, love ya, me
Friday, December 21, 2012
the week before Christmas
Hello, hello, hello.Just wanted to say hi,and all that, it has been a weird week or rather strange time since my last post.All kinds of different revelations,thoughts bouncing around my mind, arcs of thought unfiltered, zapping me ,bringing awareness of knowledge, new and old, lessons that i should have learned and the optimistic ego of self refusing to get lost in what is a difficult time,not, earthshattering, but feelings of displacement,loss of center and a sense of futility at my own self, who refuses to learn from lessons past,due to his personal beliefs,in a world of reality where self is absorbed by the world of business,facts,figures,and other cold ,ughhhh, factors of the real world.Alas, alas, where is room for the dreamer in us all, i cry with bittersweet laughter,reflecting,mocking accepting, that it is not there is no room for the dreamer, but even a dreams roots must have its base begin in reality. My blame is that i just cant seem to separate the two, their intwining showing my(sadly) refusal to recognize lifes serious side. So, what is going on? Well, no word from Express Lane, the new one, anyway. They had requested the new liability insurance ,yet no response from follow through ,ignoring queries from my insurance agent, and what should i think here, or the fact that Mark Shoeffer has ignored my call or message at the front desk. I, dont know what to think quite honestly, either too much going on or,possibly my dismissal from this new world of Express Lane.As the wife just said , i cant win, unless i am allowed to (hehehehe),but damned if i dont keep trying, (hehehehe).Here i am broke as hell, for real no money, Christmas, shot to hell, no plastic to pretend with,i do have cigs ,maybe about 60 or 80 bucks,gas,quarter of a tank, and i am smiling at it all. Which seems stupid to me, it would be more (I think) realistic to be upset butwhat good is that really gonna do.My bills are paid till next month so thats a plus,with the exception of my storage shed, i do have food, and who knows maybe tomorrow i will hit megamoney,hehehehe. Dream on, ughhhhhh, I am so silly sometimes.Now, where should we go from here,lets back up the week,sounds like a plan to me.
Hmmmmm, where to start, ok, Sunday the wife i had a little tiff over doing the Express Lane stores.I had been told not to do any more floors, and wanted to do all the stores one last time with the propane, like an inspection buff, for no charge which would have cost me around 60 bucks, but felt that it would be a nice going away gift for the Lewis family, Donna ,being more realistic, stated that the stores may have already become the new owners,which could get me in trouble with them,that we really could not afford it and last that my un busineess like manner had already got us in enough hot water. Which i have to admit is true,though not always, and dreamers have rights too,so there, but not when others have to pay the price along with them.She won, and me i felt guilty all week, over not doing it,mainly because it is not all about the money, it was just something to show my appreciation for all they had done for me.Moving on,and on and on, and on,ok, enough,hehehehe, to Monday.
Monday, Monday, what a wonderful day,(just being me again), went to do the two Dodges Chickens, in Pensacola and Ft.Walton, leaving early, so i could come home and post on my blog. I know, no post, well let me explain.Got to Pensacola, did the store being grateful for the work, for real, here. Left,heading out through 98 coastal, enjoying the Christmas decorations ,lights glittering,blinking,reflections bouncing off the side view mirror, colors ranging from bright white,to the merry green,happy red, and rainbow kaleidoscope colors in between. Christmas decorations, Santas, elves,whimsical creatures, entwined with spiritual noels, nativity sets,all set to give joy to my world!!!! BANG, to my ears came an eary, scary soft blast and hiss, with intimidation by sound,i pull off the road and listen to to the sound, opening the door i realize its as i feared ,my tire gasping ,spent has laid itself in rest. Woe is me, I think, then I realize there may be no spare, but 3 cans of fix a flat are on hand. You go boy,feeling so proud, hooked up my first can,perplexed as it empties its canned air within, Lo no results begin. Move the van a hair,second can hooked up and an etheral cloud of mist gently forms on the side of the tire, that was not funny,(hehehe). Ok,but it is now,hehehe. Damn tire blew out the side,drove it till tire was completely gone, pulled into a Tom Thumb, i know hilarious,huh. Life does laugh at us sometimes, all those times i refuse to pull into a Tom Thumb ,now this, i just hope someone got a giggle and a laugh out of it,honestly, i did. Scotty was on his way,as i had called a towing service and they had quoted me 200 bucks which i did not have. The funny thing was i had done the floors here before and the lady remembered me,the quality of our work and asked why i was not doing floors anymore as they pay more and get less quality now. THat made me feel good though. Scotty shows up and yes, i did take the tire off,scared van would come down on me again as it had last time i changed a tire,but no problems this time, with the exception of the miserable,and I do mean miserable cold weather,brrrrrr. Get home about 4 am, oh yeah, cant forget, there was no money at home,here i am broke down in Valparasio, and hardly any gas in truck. Well, i call up a store ask them if they will front me the gas, till i get back in town, you know, they did, i promised to be back before shift change so they would not be short. It is one of those times where i am so grateful that others are good to me. So thank you, thank you,thank you. Tuesday i go to Randys Tires R Us on 15tyh st and ask if he would trust me for a new tire,now he knows i have no work,as far as Express Lane and he was still kind enough to trust me till i get some work. See it does pay to keep your word with people,as he had helped me out about a month ago on some repairs and let me make payments. Sooooo,where we at now, ok ,Tuesday, i go to Ft. Walton Dodges Chicken to do the floor. I had told them it needs a light scrub,well, i ended up spending like 4 or 5 hours there,no extra charge and honestly, it was not just working, but also thinking,realizing how dependent I was on others,and how grateful I am for their belief in me. It could have gone an entirely different way, to me it just went to prove that people, even without knowledge,remind us of the beauty in being alive, interaction with our fellow humans,and that the spirit of Christmas does not occur just on Christmas day. I had made a 100 the night before and that was eaten up by the time i left Ft. Walton Dodges Chicken, what with gas and all, but still, I did make some money, enough to buy some smokes,gas, and spoil the wife with a couple of scratch cards,i know,stupid,wasteful,but what the hell, it was worth it.
Wednesday, have you read enough,heheheeh. Cause there is more,hehehe. I get an e mail from Lehigh , the new owners of Express Lane, requesting liability ins. paperwork, which I forward to Hutt ins.,who gets no response from them on questions she has in relationship to requirements on policy. In addition, i had been told there was to be a meeting with Mark,operations manager, who never calls me.The good news here, my workmans comp exemp has been approved ,which i needed for some possible work in the future. See, trying to show my positive attitude, hehehe. Possibility, probabilities, anything is possible, I cant believe it,sitting here, typing this out and making jokes with Scotty, i do believe my world is collapsing around me and I,in my infinite, wordly wise ,wisdom, surrounded with the bright ghosts of Christmases past,encompassed within the bleak oblivion of bare walls,no tree, and alas, the non appearance of gaily wrapped Christmas boxes, I am still happy with life.Guilty, yes, i had it within my capabilities to have planned for an event like this, realistically, i did not,my bad, twenty years we have been a family and this is a first. The bitter realization of my failure,well, it sucks, but it is not gonna change a damn thing, so maybe,just maybe, i will try harder in the future to ensure it does not occur, but I make no promises. Lordy, Lordy, I noticed I started hitting the keyboard a little bit too fiercely, underlying guilt, who knows,i mean to do better next time, however if wishes were horses, we all would ride, hehehehehe.I do have some possible work pending in January, unfortunately, while it is great and I am grateful, that is all after the holidays. So on to Thursday.
Thursday, not bad, not bad, in hope of work next month, i asked my suppliers if they could extend me some credit. honestly, it being the end of the year,they want to settle any accounts by Jan.2, after explaining my situation and just flat out being honest they both agreed to front me some supplies, the understanding being i was to pay asap. To some who have credit cards,bank accounts,etc,this may seem n.p., but i have none of the above, simply my word and when people show good faith in you,what the hell else can you wish for.All the money in the world will not buy you that and when others believe in you, well to me that means a lot. Friday,Friday,yeah Thursday was a quickie,hehehe, but still quality.
Friday,i went out, picked up supplies, thanked all and went to see if i could start on a job early,so i do not have to wait till late Jan. to get paid. Then ,Donna, Scotty and I went to Christines, for a breakfast dinner,hehehe. Actually it was all right and seeing every one,the way they love their grandma, Donna, made it all worth while. Ohhhhhh, lest i forget,Michele is offically Donnas favorite child,hehehehe. That is another story, of a child who does all to earn her mothers ok,not realizing she had it anyway. Reminds me of my Father and I, a story with a happy ending, through love, and understanding. I also was able to finish paying Christene for money we had borrowed,so you know what? It was not an easy week,and yes there are a lot of things i wish were better but,look at all the beauty, the way others have been good to me and you know what,if my week had not been what it was,those selfless acts of kindness others showed ,well i would not have known, Merry Christmas to all,love ya,me. P.S.- yeah, i am smiling (with you).
Hmmmmm, where to start, ok, Sunday the wife i had a little tiff over doing the Express Lane stores.I had been told not to do any more floors, and wanted to do all the stores one last time with the propane, like an inspection buff, for no charge which would have cost me around 60 bucks, but felt that it would be a nice going away gift for the Lewis family, Donna ,being more realistic, stated that the stores may have already become the new owners,which could get me in trouble with them,that we really could not afford it and last that my un busineess like manner had already got us in enough hot water. Which i have to admit is true,though not always, and dreamers have rights too,so there, but not when others have to pay the price along with them.She won, and me i felt guilty all week, over not doing it,mainly because it is not all about the money, it was just something to show my appreciation for all they had done for me.Moving on,and on and on, and on,ok, enough,hehehehe, to Monday.
Monday, Monday, what a wonderful day,(just being me again), went to do the two Dodges Chickens, in Pensacola and Ft.Walton, leaving early, so i could come home and post on my blog. I know, no post, well let me explain.Got to Pensacola, did the store being grateful for the work, for real, here. Left,heading out through 98 coastal, enjoying the Christmas decorations ,lights glittering,blinking,reflections bouncing off the side view mirror, colors ranging from bright white,to the merry green,happy red, and rainbow kaleidoscope colors in between. Christmas decorations, Santas, elves,whimsical creatures, entwined with spiritual noels, nativity sets,all set to give joy to my world!!!! BANG, to my ears came an eary, scary soft blast and hiss, with intimidation by sound,i pull off the road and listen to to the sound, opening the door i realize its as i feared ,my tire gasping ,spent has laid itself in rest. Woe is me, I think, then I realize there may be no spare, but 3 cans of fix a flat are on hand. You go boy,feeling so proud, hooked up my first can,perplexed as it empties its canned air within, Lo no results begin. Move the van a hair,second can hooked up and an etheral cloud of mist gently forms on the side of the tire, that was not funny,(hehehe). Ok,but it is now,hehehe. Damn tire blew out the side,drove it till tire was completely gone, pulled into a Tom Thumb, i know hilarious,huh. Life does laugh at us sometimes, all those times i refuse to pull into a Tom Thumb ,now this, i just hope someone got a giggle and a laugh out of it,honestly, i did. Scotty was on his way,as i had called a towing service and they had quoted me 200 bucks which i did not have. The funny thing was i had done the floors here before and the lady remembered me,the quality of our work and asked why i was not doing floors anymore as they pay more and get less quality now. THat made me feel good though. Scotty shows up and yes, i did take the tire off,scared van would come down on me again as it had last time i changed a tire,but no problems this time, with the exception of the miserable,and I do mean miserable cold weather,brrrrrr. Get home about 4 am, oh yeah, cant forget, there was no money at home,here i am broke down in Valparasio, and hardly any gas in truck. Well, i call up a store ask them if they will front me the gas, till i get back in town, you know, they did, i promised to be back before shift change so they would not be short. It is one of those times where i am so grateful that others are good to me. So thank you, thank you,thank you. Tuesday i go to Randys Tires R Us on 15tyh st and ask if he would trust me for a new tire,now he knows i have no work,as far as Express Lane and he was still kind enough to trust me till i get some work. See it does pay to keep your word with people,as he had helped me out about a month ago on some repairs and let me make payments. Sooooo,where we at now, ok ,Tuesday, i go to Ft. Walton Dodges Chicken to do the floor. I had told them it needs a light scrub,well, i ended up spending like 4 or 5 hours there,no extra charge and honestly, it was not just working, but also thinking,realizing how dependent I was on others,and how grateful I am for their belief in me. It could have gone an entirely different way, to me it just went to prove that people, even without knowledge,remind us of the beauty in being alive, interaction with our fellow humans,and that the spirit of Christmas does not occur just on Christmas day. I had made a 100 the night before and that was eaten up by the time i left Ft. Walton Dodges Chicken, what with gas and all, but still, I did make some money, enough to buy some smokes,gas, and spoil the wife with a couple of scratch cards,i know,stupid,wasteful,but what the hell, it was worth it.
Wednesday, have you read enough,heheheeh. Cause there is more,hehehe. I get an e mail from Lehigh , the new owners of Express Lane, requesting liability ins. paperwork, which I forward to Hutt ins.,who gets no response from them on questions she has in relationship to requirements on policy. In addition, i had been told there was to be a meeting with Mark,operations manager, who never calls me.The good news here, my workmans comp exemp has been approved ,which i needed for some possible work in the future. See, trying to show my positive attitude, hehehe. Possibility, probabilities, anything is possible, I cant believe it,sitting here, typing this out and making jokes with Scotty, i do believe my world is collapsing around me and I,in my infinite, wordly wise ,wisdom, surrounded with the bright ghosts of Christmases past,encompassed within the bleak oblivion of bare walls,no tree, and alas, the non appearance of gaily wrapped Christmas boxes, I am still happy with life.Guilty, yes, i had it within my capabilities to have planned for an event like this, realistically, i did not,my bad, twenty years we have been a family and this is a first. The bitter realization of my failure,well, it sucks, but it is not gonna change a damn thing, so maybe,just maybe, i will try harder in the future to ensure it does not occur, but I make no promises. Lordy, Lordy, I noticed I started hitting the keyboard a little bit too fiercely, underlying guilt, who knows,i mean to do better next time, however if wishes were horses, we all would ride, hehehehehe.I do have some possible work pending in January, unfortunately, while it is great and I am grateful, that is all after the holidays. So on to Thursday.
Thursday, not bad, not bad, in hope of work next month, i asked my suppliers if they could extend me some credit. honestly, it being the end of the year,they want to settle any accounts by Jan.2, after explaining my situation and just flat out being honest they both agreed to front me some supplies, the understanding being i was to pay asap. To some who have credit cards,bank accounts,etc,this may seem n.p., but i have none of the above, simply my word and when people show good faith in you,what the hell else can you wish for.All the money in the world will not buy you that and when others believe in you, well to me that means a lot. Friday,Friday,yeah Thursday was a quickie,hehehe, but still quality.
Friday,i went out, picked up supplies, thanked all and went to see if i could start on a job early,so i do not have to wait till late Jan. to get paid. Then ,Donna, Scotty and I went to Christines, for a breakfast dinner,hehehe. Actually it was all right and seeing every one,the way they love their grandma, Donna, made it all worth while. Ohhhhhh, lest i forget,Michele is offically Donnas favorite child,hehehehe. That is another story, of a child who does all to earn her mothers ok,not realizing she had it anyway. Reminds me of my Father and I, a story with a happy ending, through love, and understanding. I also was able to finish paying Christene for money we had borrowed,so you know what? It was not an easy week,and yes there are a lot of things i wish were better but,look at all the beauty, the way others have been good to me and you know what,if my week had not been what it was,those selfless acts of kindness others showed ,well i would not have known, Merry Christmas to all,love ya,me. P.S.- yeah, i am smiling (with you).
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Express Lane the final day
How to start,two things,the emptiness ,sadness, i felt when doing the floor at Dodges, over the fact that i will not be doing the floors for Express Lane no more,and Reeds statement he could call me out on a lot of things ,with the exception of my love for the Express Lane family.
ohhhh, i can tell this is gonna be a long one, but i have already started and have been putting it off for awhile so might as well get it done.On Thursday,ihad talked to Holly who informed me Reed was upset about all the strips being done.Me, being me , thought that Reid felt i took advantage of the situation,as Mark told him he only authorized some strips.In order to clear my name i went to the office and waited a couple of hours for Reed to come out so i could explain it to him.He heard me out and then told me there was never any question about me, and that they,Express Lane never had any doubts about me.It made me feel a lot better, we said goodbye and i left to cash my final check.
I have always had a problem with speaking my mind, and at the same time not always being swift enough in thought to actually convey the thought properly.I say something then ten minutes later which i had said it better, or phrased it differently, or not said anything at all,hehehehe. Oh well, from these things life becomes what it is, we live with it, i guess.While Reed and i were our discussion at the end i brought up a subject that maybe i should not have ,it was all good till he made a simple question,"and you"..to which i really had no answer ,except to state that honestly ,even though i dream the dream, thought due to my being a vendor i would not be included.As i told him i am just a vendor and if there is one thing i have learned in the last couple of years that was my lesson.Oh,Oh here i go again, one thought leads to another,and, i want to start off on another tangent, but will wait to go into that, hopefully.New paragraph hehehe.
Myself,my dream was to build a company, similar to my old cleaning company,Suburban Contract Cleaning,here the owner built up a successful business, did well for himself and some of the employees bought it from him, when he was ready to get out.He had taken a small business, hired people,taught them how to become successful, and shared it with them in order for them to create their own legacy.Which has gone very well, i guess i failed in that aspect ,though i still have time to change it,but, i have definitely created opportunities for people others would not take a chance on and thus enrichened their lives, by giving them the chance to run with the ball.Very, very few disappointment's there, for which i thank them.Looking back,i realize that most people, when given encouragement, and shown trust will, do whats right, not all, but most. In the entire time ,i only had to fire 1 person,sometimes they deserved to be fired but if you think about the fact we are all human, make mistakes ourselves,be a little forgiving, most do not make the same mistake twice. Ok,back to the meat and potatoes, I sidetrack so well,hehehe.
In todays world,when a company sells out pr changes hands,there is often a big story if the owners sell back to the employees or reward them with a monetary bonus, usually the higher ups in a company have themselves covered with severance packages or such. However every once in awhile we hear stories of companies that also reward the everyday worker who has been with the company for an extended period of time, or contributed to the general welfare of the company.Here we go now,Express Lane has always been good to its employees,flat out, no b.s.,I remember commenting to Jim Lewis one time that if people did not screw up at work, they would always have a job. I meant this, because the Lewis family actually cares about the people that work for them and they work with the employees not ride over them,if you had a problem someone would listen, if they could help they would.This tradition was started by Mr. Jimmy Lewis and was carried on by his sons, who all had to work their way up, no gimmes here.One of the results of this of this well run operation,is you end up with employees who, quite frankly, dont which to go to work else where, and are content knowing they will finish out their days working for this same company.I know, in todays world it may seem unrealistic,with companies going this way, that way, and no safe havens anywhere,but it does happen, and used to a lot more. It is called COMPANY LOYALTY, the thing companies are always screaming for and forgot that you have to give to get.So on we go, the Lewis family has been in the convience business for awhile, they are all getting older,the economy is down, and then with the new tax rates coming into effect have decided to get out of the market and sell the company. I can not say as i blame them,at first no one could figure out what was going on, just that changes were being implemented that did not seem in character for the Lewis familys mode of operation in their stores. Employees,vendors, including myself, had no idea what was up and fears ran of the company going into bankruptcy to being sold, were running rampant, Some, no if or buts about it jumped ship, the rest stayed. through these turbulent times.I love people, and people in return trust me, some thinking i have a closer tie to the office then i do, confide in me hoping it will get to those above.Others talk to me due to the years we have worked together, at any rate I learn a lot.Employees feelings were varied over a number of things, ranging from concern over the Lewis family,to fear over what would happen to them now.Employees who had not been with the company for long,seemed to think it was just another thing,while the ones who had been with the company for a long period of time, or were older were on the edge or just plain out scared. Talking to an employee who had been with the company for years,who had tried to find employment elsewhere, he described the feeling of inadequacy he felt through all the rejections he had been submitted to.Which quite honestly made me think about my situation a lot, but more on that later.Fear, had infected the lifestream of Express Lane,where optimism used to be prevalent.Employees, who 2 months ago were simply trying to get more hours for Christmas,now worried that they would be out in the cold on Christmas day, jobless or working with less hours, where they were worried over having enough money to buy that extra gift,they were now in fear of being able to pay the electric bill to keep the heat on.One thing the Lewis family did that was thoughtful of them was to keep the paychecks on a weekly basis until after the holidays, another thing i heard employees being grateful for was the early Christmas party so they could get their bonuses. Life, the importance of that 100.00 bonus, the difference it makes in so many lives can scarcely be measured,but it is truly treasured, not only for the recognition it bestows,but in trying to catch up on a bill,helping out a family member, or buying that extra gift for the unexpected child or grandchild this year.When another company buys one out,especially a family run business, it is the ones who cared that worry, What will happen now, willl my loyalty to the previous owners be an asset or liability, who will be willing to hire me ,what ,what what, overcomes their thoughts, people who have performed their jobs for years with no problem, find themselves making errors out of sheer nervousness. transition, for some is an easy thing especially those new to the job,however for those who have been accustomed to doing it the Express Lane way, now fear runs dormant that their ability to adapt will be insufficient.I could go on,but to sum it up briefly, what happens is that the people, whose loyalty and belief in Express Lane, could very well find these things will now cost them their job, with the new company.
ITS JUST BUSINESS, i personally detest that statement,it is such a blanket for some, where it covers the harsh reality of truth. Express Lane, very seldom used that expression,at least with me, and in discussions with them about various things always seemed to found their idealism on a nobler plane, which i would describe as simply, giving a damn..Ok,now that was the potatoes,time for the meat.
Sorry,the wife and were arguing over our lack of Christmas,which is kinda pisssing me off with the grand kids here.I will say this though,i am mad at myself,not Express Lane for i should have done some better planning financially and that quite simply is my bad,besides i do have a little time left,hehe. Positive thinking!!!
Express Lane has always,and i mean always shown they care for those who work for them. Personally, i hope they get filthy rich off this deal, they have worked hard, been good to those that worked with them, and have to my knowledge always acted as regulars, even though well off financially.Now this all is dependent on how good a deal they made for themselves, because things are not always what they seem and they may not be as well off as we would think, however. If Express Lane did well, it would not be amiss for them to share in this with employees who have been with them for a period of time, a minimum of 5 years at any rate.Oh and by the way these are my thoughts alone, simply put. I will be the first to state i have no idea how much,what to be base anything on,etc. I have a few basic reasons for wishing this, one, it does teach others there is a reward for loyalty, two,we are all interdependent on one another, Express Lanes success is partially based its employees, not taking anything away from the owners,and lastly,to help quell the nervousness and fears of its former loyal employees. When i was out stripping the stores, one of the reasons i personally felt bad was seeing, and hearing some of the hopelessness in people, how they would try to be upbeat and then admit their fear of having to depend on a company to whom they were nothing more then a number or position. I can relate because in todays world, it dosent matter with a corporation how good your work is, it is now ,simply,knowledge of someone in corporate,cost,or what can you do for me. it appears as if corporations have becoming mechanical machines interested in only projecting better results for the upcoming quarter.Hell, i have seen shoddy work,which a corporation would rather pay for then to take the time out to find better work at a lesser price because it is just easier to do so.That is sad. So that is the meat to my conversation with Reed,now for the dessert,he does not pull any punches that one,and he had me good,hehehehe.
And you,he asked. Not fair,hehehe. Ok, truth,of course i wish that i would be included,hell I dream, fantasize, have always done my best for Express Lane. Recognition of this sort would rock my world, make it all seem like there are some who believe in rewarding those who have given their best.Honestly,though,oh i so hate having to be honest here,they,Express Lane have already given me a lot. One, i am a vendor,not an employee, however they have always and i mean always treated me as a person. Two, they have always paid me for my services. Three,they took me in and me feel as if my contribution was important. Four, even though not a blood relative they have always been kind enough to listen to my problems,shown a sincere care for me and damn it made me feel good,a member of the Express Lane family.So, yes , it would be nice, but actually i was more concerned about the people who have become dependent on the Express Lane we all know and love. When all this began occurring 3 or 4 months ago,i wont admit i was upset,unkowingly to Express Lane owners,I had been asked to just do the Express Lane stores,i thought about it, was tired of rejection by other companies and proceeded to just do their stores, i do have a couple of stores i do, i also lost a couple when they found out i was doing some Express Lanes at no charge.My big mouth,i will never learn. Oh well, if they had been as good to me as Express Lane maybe i would have done the same for them, at any rate,the reason i stopped doing the stores or additional stores at no cost was quite simply,no gas money. Sorry,had to take a break,me and the two little ones made up some brownies,full of walnuts and andes mints,eat your heart out,but what a mess,hehehe,brownie mix everywhere,hehehe.Ok,where was I,ok,caught my train of thought.My bills come to about 1800 a montyh doing 19 stores plus the Dodges,meant i was going in the hole .Now i have no credit cards,bank accounts,or loans, so i truly live week to week. iI know,it is all my bad ,ok,anyways trying to be quick so i can play with the little ones, I did get a couple of side jobs, borrowed some money and finally confronted Mark about the extra work ,he had promised me previously.He gave me a scrub to do,authorized the strips,and due to that i have almost caught up on all my bills.Some people, including exemployees state i made a mistake in handling the Express Lane account ,treating them as family.They dont know how Reed brought me my check because i could not make it to the office,how Jim Lewis invited me over to shoot pool, or play the guitar,how someone always listened to me, how concerned the office workers were when i came in freezing from no heat in my van after finishing work to drop off my invoices, so the answer to the question is , yes, but irregardless either way, i have already recieved more then most vendors ever will. A home away from home.Thatsssssssssssssss all folks brownies are done,cooling now and grandkids are making me smile,enjoy your day,love,me.
ohhhh, i can tell this is gonna be a long one, but i have already started and have been putting it off for awhile so might as well get it done.On Thursday,ihad talked to Holly who informed me Reed was upset about all the strips being done.Me, being me , thought that Reid felt i took advantage of the situation,as Mark told him he only authorized some strips.In order to clear my name i went to the office and waited a couple of hours for Reed to come out so i could explain it to him.He heard me out and then told me there was never any question about me, and that they,Express Lane never had any doubts about me.It made me feel a lot better, we said goodbye and i left to cash my final check.
I have always had a problem with speaking my mind, and at the same time not always being swift enough in thought to actually convey the thought properly.I say something then ten minutes later which i had said it better, or phrased it differently, or not said anything at all,hehehehe. Oh well, from these things life becomes what it is, we live with it, i guess.While Reed and i were our discussion at the end i brought up a subject that maybe i should not have ,it was all good till he made a simple question,"and you"..to which i really had no answer ,except to state that honestly ,even though i dream the dream, thought due to my being a vendor i would not be included.As i told him i am just a vendor and if there is one thing i have learned in the last couple of years that was my lesson.Oh,Oh here i go again, one thought leads to another,and, i want to start off on another tangent, but will wait to go into that, hopefully.New paragraph hehehe.
Myself,my dream was to build a company, similar to my old cleaning company,Suburban Contract Cleaning,here the owner built up a successful business, did well for himself and some of the employees bought it from him, when he was ready to get out.He had taken a small business, hired people,taught them how to become successful, and shared it with them in order for them to create their own legacy.Which has gone very well, i guess i failed in that aspect ,though i still have time to change it,but, i have definitely created opportunities for people others would not take a chance on and thus enrichened their lives, by giving them the chance to run with the ball.Very, very few disappointment's there, for which i thank them.Looking back,i realize that most people, when given encouragement, and shown trust will, do whats right, not all, but most. In the entire time ,i only had to fire 1 person,sometimes they deserved to be fired but if you think about the fact we are all human, make mistakes ourselves,be a little forgiving, most do not make the same mistake twice. Ok,back to the meat and potatoes, I sidetrack so well,hehehe.
In todays world,when a company sells out pr changes hands,there is often a big story if the owners sell back to the employees or reward them with a monetary bonus, usually the higher ups in a company have themselves covered with severance packages or such. However every once in awhile we hear stories of companies that also reward the everyday worker who has been with the company for an extended period of time, or contributed to the general welfare of the company.Here we go now,Express Lane has always been good to its employees,flat out, no b.s.,I remember commenting to Jim Lewis one time that if people did not screw up at work, they would always have a job. I meant this, because the Lewis family actually cares about the people that work for them and they work with the employees not ride over them,if you had a problem someone would listen, if they could help they would.This tradition was started by Mr. Jimmy Lewis and was carried on by his sons, who all had to work their way up, no gimmes here.One of the results of this of this well run operation,is you end up with employees who, quite frankly, dont which to go to work else where, and are content knowing they will finish out their days working for this same company.I know, in todays world it may seem unrealistic,with companies going this way, that way, and no safe havens anywhere,but it does happen, and used to a lot more. It is called COMPANY LOYALTY, the thing companies are always screaming for and forgot that you have to give to get.So on we go, the Lewis family has been in the convience business for awhile, they are all getting older,the economy is down, and then with the new tax rates coming into effect have decided to get out of the market and sell the company. I can not say as i blame them,at first no one could figure out what was going on, just that changes were being implemented that did not seem in character for the Lewis familys mode of operation in their stores. Employees,vendors, including myself, had no idea what was up and fears ran of the company going into bankruptcy to being sold, were running rampant, Some, no if or buts about it jumped ship, the rest stayed. through these turbulent times.I love people, and people in return trust me, some thinking i have a closer tie to the office then i do, confide in me hoping it will get to those above.Others talk to me due to the years we have worked together, at any rate I learn a lot.Employees feelings were varied over a number of things, ranging from concern over the Lewis family,to fear over what would happen to them now.Employees who had not been with the company for long,seemed to think it was just another thing,while the ones who had been with the company for a long period of time, or were older were on the edge or just plain out scared. Talking to an employee who had been with the company for years,who had tried to find employment elsewhere, he described the feeling of inadequacy he felt through all the rejections he had been submitted to.Which quite honestly made me think about my situation a lot, but more on that later.Fear, had infected the lifestream of Express Lane,where optimism used to be prevalent.Employees, who 2 months ago were simply trying to get more hours for Christmas,now worried that they would be out in the cold on Christmas day, jobless or working with less hours, where they were worried over having enough money to buy that extra gift,they were now in fear of being able to pay the electric bill to keep the heat on.One thing the Lewis family did that was thoughtful of them was to keep the paychecks on a weekly basis until after the holidays, another thing i heard employees being grateful for was the early Christmas party so they could get their bonuses. Life, the importance of that 100.00 bonus, the difference it makes in so many lives can scarcely be measured,but it is truly treasured, not only for the recognition it bestows,but in trying to catch up on a bill,helping out a family member, or buying that extra gift for the unexpected child or grandchild this year.When another company buys one out,especially a family run business, it is the ones who cared that worry, What will happen now, willl my loyalty to the previous owners be an asset or liability, who will be willing to hire me ,what ,what what, overcomes their thoughts, people who have performed their jobs for years with no problem, find themselves making errors out of sheer nervousness. transition, for some is an easy thing especially those new to the job,however for those who have been accustomed to doing it the Express Lane way, now fear runs dormant that their ability to adapt will be insufficient.I could go on,but to sum it up briefly, what happens is that the people, whose loyalty and belief in Express Lane, could very well find these things will now cost them their job, with the new company.
ITS JUST BUSINESS, i personally detest that statement,it is such a blanket for some, where it covers the harsh reality of truth. Express Lane, very seldom used that expression,at least with me, and in discussions with them about various things always seemed to found their idealism on a nobler plane, which i would describe as simply, giving a damn..Ok,now that was the potatoes,time for the meat.
Sorry,the wife and were arguing over our lack of Christmas,which is kinda pisssing me off with the grand kids here.I will say this though,i am mad at myself,not Express Lane for i should have done some better planning financially and that quite simply is my bad,besides i do have a little time left,hehe. Positive thinking!!!
Express Lane has always,and i mean always shown they care for those who work for them. Personally, i hope they get filthy rich off this deal, they have worked hard, been good to those that worked with them, and have to my knowledge always acted as regulars, even though well off financially.Now this all is dependent on how good a deal they made for themselves, because things are not always what they seem and they may not be as well off as we would think, however. If Express Lane did well, it would not be amiss for them to share in this with employees who have been with them for a period of time, a minimum of 5 years at any rate.Oh and by the way these are my thoughts alone, simply put. I will be the first to state i have no idea how much,what to be base anything on,etc. I have a few basic reasons for wishing this, one, it does teach others there is a reward for loyalty, two,we are all interdependent on one another, Express Lanes success is partially based its employees, not taking anything away from the owners,and lastly,to help quell the nervousness and fears of its former loyal employees. When i was out stripping the stores, one of the reasons i personally felt bad was seeing, and hearing some of the hopelessness in people, how they would try to be upbeat and then admit their fear of having to depend on a company to whom they were nothing more then a number or position. I can relate because in todays world, it dosent matter with a corporation how good your work is, it is now ,simply,knowledge of someone in corporate,cost,or what can you do for me. it appears as if corporations have becoming mechanical machines interested in only projecting better results for the upcoming quarter.Hell, i have seen shoddy work,which a corporation would rather pay for then to take the time out to find better work at a lesser price because it is just easier to do so.That is sad. So that is the meat to my conversation with Reed,now for the dessert,he does not pull any punches that one,and he had me good,hehehehe.
And you,he asked. Not fair,hehehe. Ok, truth,of course i wish that i would be included,hell I dream, fantasize, have always done my best for Express Lane. Recognition of this sort would rock my world, make it all seem like there are some who believe in rewarding those who have given their best.Honestly,though,oh i so hate having to be honest here,they,Express Lane have already given me a lot. One, i am a vendor,not an employee, however they have always and i mean always treated me as a person. Two, they have always paid me for my services. Three,they took me in and me feel as if my contribution was important. Four, even though not a blood relative they have always been kind enough to listen to my problems,shown a sincere care for me and damn it made me feel good,a member of the Express Lane family.So, yes , it would be nice, but actually i was more concerned about the people who have become dependent on the Express Lane we all know and love. When all this began occurring 3 or 4 months ago,i wont admit i was upset,unkowingly to Express Lane owners,I had been asked to just do the Express Lane stores,i thought about it, was tired of rejection by other companies and proceeded to just do their stores, i do have a couple of stores i do, i also lost a couple when they found out i was doing some Express Lanes at no charge.My big mouth,i will never learn. Oh well, if they had been as good to me as Express Lane maybe i would have done the same for them, at any rate,the reason i stopped doing the stores or additional stores at no cost was quite simply,no gas money. Sorry,had to take a break,me and the two little ones made up some brownies,full of walnuts and andes mints,eat your heart out,but what a mess,hehehe,brownie mix everywhere,hehehe.Ok,where was I,ok,caught my train of thought.My bills come to about 1800 a montyh doing 19 stores plus the Dodges,meant i was going in the hole .Now i have no credit cards,bank accounts,or loans, so i truly live week to week. iI know,it is all my bad ,ok,anyways trying to be quick so i can play with the little ones, I did get a couple of side jobs, borrowed some money and finally confronted Mark about the extra work ,he had promised me previously.He gave me a scrub to do,authorized the strips,and due to that i have almost caught up on all my bills.Some people, including exemployees state i made a mistake in handling the Express Lane account ,treating them as family.They dont know how Reed brought me my check because i could not make it to the office,how Jim Lewis invited me over to shoot pool, or play the guitar,how someone always listened to me, how concerned the office workers were when i came in freezing from no heat in my van after finishing work to drop off my invoices, so the answer to the question is , yes, but irregardless either way, i have already recieved more then most vendors ever will. A home away from home.Thatsssssssssssssss all folks brownies are done,cooling now and grandkids are making me smile,enjoy your day,love,me.
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