Where do you begin when there are not enough words,the inabilty to transcribe in the same,black and white symbols,an event that colors your emotions,sends sparks flying along the tendrils of your thoughts, erupting your body with desire, white,soft pink and yellow, the romance, passion colored in red,and black the despondency of the knowledge, you dream the dream to be unfilled, hunger created by a vision ,only seen in the dreams of a romantic.The humor life shows,its laughter loud,with me,at me, the joyous mirth, the double edge sword cutting through me ,oh so ,loud and emphatic,wall of defense. Country music, i can not stand, dont turn it on in my car, will endure if neccessary,wishing i had cotton in my ears, hehehe. The Jester called life is standing there,smiling at me, and for the life of me,even with the knowledge of the pain ,heart break, lifes lessons from living life, i can not help but smile back,with a twinkle in my eyes,and bow in admittance that i it has taught me another lesson,and not just one but another in that somethings happen, when ,where and irregardless, of the defenses i surrounded myself with.Country music,well,have i changed myopinion,i dont really believe so,maybe a little,just a little more likely, to listen with out showing so much rejection simply because of the genre.I am dragging this out,so much to say,so me thing i cant ,a quandary, no knowledge of how to say it all,laughing at the irony of my life,the fact that i ,who would say,no shame in my game,and walk that talk,is dancing all over this page, not out of fear,or fear of redicule, its the sadness of it.Joy,bursting within,dreamer,that i am , magic my life has been ,affecting some,lives ,theirs and mine,enrichened , for i refused to believe in the improbibilty, believing that there is that one thing that can make anything possible.Ahhhhhhhhh,,,enough,can we talk?
Natalie Stovall,my first intro to her,was about a month or so ago,at her previous set at Spinakers,actually i had only come in to see some of the staff,i had checked out the website and the moment i saw country,i shook my head and decided i was spending the w/e at La vela.At any rate i am talking to the staff and the band comes on stage,with her following.Damn,here, i go at a complete loss.Music,to me, can be more intimate then sex, as personal as making love and infuse itself into your essence closer than a humans touch.The sound of a violin,fiddle,trumpet,piano,bongos,or organ,to me touch the places in me ,like an electrical circuit. This is not to belittle any other instruments,i play the guitar myself,these are the instruments that my soul responds to,there is this thing, i call it the fifth beat or rather note,i know crazy,but where most people hear ,respond ,dance to the obvious beat in a song ,when i begin to feel the raptor,the communication between my body and the music,emotional stimuli, ignighting,and my soul,starts to overflow with all the musical essence,it moves me,i am lost in the celebration,for this i have been created,to dance ,to that fifth beat,a celebration of life, an acknowledgment of my appreciation of having tasted life.Making love to life, music, our shared intimacy, Natalie played, i listened and got lost .Accolades to her fellow musicians they are all good, and i have known a few so speak with some authority,i only wish i could describe my feelings, the emotional rainbow, or the thoughts that caressed my mind .I never made it to La Velas, i did not even go to work that Sunday so i could listen to her.Life , occasionally will, in the worst of times,grant us an insight that makes our troubles become less significant,promises that life is worth living, dreams to make the day bearable.Bonding, even if unknown by another,plants us more sturdily,gives strength,desire to feel it again, i can make it for there will be another time.A testament to her,simple, after that w/e i went out once more,knowing she would be returning soon,i did not go dancing or out until she returned this w/e.This from a man who goes out every weekend, Friday, Saturday and Sunday occasionally also.It just seemed like anyone elses music would feel insignificant, at least to my soul.i will be the first to tell you that i sound crazy,i mean i love hip hop,blues,some classical ,rock,i love music.Now i have been smitten by some country/western singer,lordy,lordy.
O.k,,god for a man who cant type that well this is taking forever,to me its worth it,for, some day i will smile with the memories it brings fresh again.The next show,last w/e,demonstrated the humor,joy and promise life offers,It will not tell of the anguish, fear, or reality of being the romantic fool i am.So remember that lifes beauty did overcome pain, in the midst of torture there is a quiet place,and that the dance celebrates all aspects of life, the spin and that joyous leap encompassing all, in its celebration. Checking the web,i found that Natalie was only playing Sat.and Sun. night, in addition Spinnaker was closing for the rest of the year till New Years.I am such a man,did not go to the club and yell at them, or demand that they cant do this to me, hehehehe. You know sometimes life just sucks!!!!! I dont think they would have listened to me anyway,i am laughing to myself as i write this,wonder if it is to help cover the pain of being me.Oh, well, on we go,i had been so impressed with Natalie,i had told Scottman, i was going to ask her if she would come meet Stormy and possibly play for her,thinking how much Stormy loves country,plus it would make a lasting impression on her,and maybe make up for me not spending time with her.How do you explain you dont even have the money for the gas,when they live 10 miles away.Life,you gotta love it.Anywayyyy,back to basics,Saturday night i go to the club, everyone said they missed me which made me feel good, actually real good,so there,hehehe. Surprise,surprise,main stage is shut down,now whats up,turns out they are using the smaller stage in the back.Now i feel a little anxious,see there is a seating area around the main stage overlooking the dance floor,with a shelf for your drinks,and thats where i dance at,never get on the floor. i am always a little nervous when i feel the music starting to seep inside ,making me want to dance, and in addition it is like my safety ,for women cant dance with me, or at least most of the time, though there have been a couple who just jump in. In the back, with the exception of the stage ,its all one level including the dance floor,ughh,what do i do now.Natalie,starts her first set,and me i am not going to risk anything so i sit in a chair, figuring i will just listen.She plays,i listen, eventually i cant stop myself,i stand feeling the combination of her,the music,my thoughts,and my body responds, almost as if there is no resistance left. Captured like a deer in the lights,i stand in the corner ,my body screaming for freedom as i attempt to appease it by simply letting my feet move,holding myself in check. after the first set i escape into the dance room inside,trying to feed my bodys dancing hunger by dancing a little inside. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh the night, i stayed until the last set, torn in two, at one point Natalie, came up to me ,saying hi,telling me she appreciated the fact i came to hear her.Talk about feeling like a kid again, my mind racing with things i wanted to say,thought of saying to her,duhhhhhhhhh, i have seldom felt so tongue tied. Mind overload, where would i start,she would think i was a wacko,hell i am writing this, trying not to say too much and i wonder,hehehehe,overwhelmed.
Sunday night,last night of the year for Spinnakers and i have decided i am going to go, i tell myself its the last night, some of the people asked if i was coming,what the hell,i know i am going ,i know why,i just cant be honest with myself,Buty then while we can lie to others we cant lie to ourselves. At least i cant. Anyway, this is where i hope that i never forget the night,one of the most wonderful times,one of the most difficult nights i have experienced.I got there after the first set,i know,i swear it was a night that only the fates could have set up. First, one of the waitresses,i owe a debt of gratitude to , for unknowingly she made the night possible, by being a little wise ass,which i say with a smile.Natalie came up to me after the first set,being nice ,she said hello, and being scared to the point i could not let the fear win,i talked back, i know, no big deal for someone else but i was an emotional wreck.I even worked up the courage, to talk to her about Stormy and she said that i could bring her down for the sound check,next year.Which was sweet ,even though its a long time from now,damn that sucks. Well next thing you know i had asked the waitress how old Natalie was,wise ass,hehehe,says she dont know walks over too Natalie,over my screaming at her to stop,next thing you know,Natalie,turns around,blond hair swinging,eyes full of a sassy fire and ,strutting like a ,how can i describe, simply beautiful.Demanding me to tell her old i thought she was,,for some reason that instant she became real,which is hard to describe but i know what i mean,and life was good .It was standing room only and this meant i could hide in the crowd and dance, like no one was watching , and i did. i even felt restricted , feeling as if i wanted to explode with the magic of her,reveal my celebration of her music with my dance,share the intimacy i felt. Her,the music, me, the dance,there are very few women that i personally feel an affinity to,enough to share the dance,but here the man that told women no all the time,wanted to dance with someone.For me to admit this to myself was a surprise in itself, the desire ahhhhhhhh,what can i say,except read this again if cant remember,hehehe.Not likely,we are getting close,this has taken hours,but thats o.k..
THE DANCE, is more intimate then making love,for here you dont worry about good enough, do this ,do that, it is two people free of constraint, celebrating passion , the melding of two people joyously sharing themselves with another, their eyes revealing to one another thoughts,and emotions ,reflections that words can only begin to try to describe. before man could speak he revealed himself through dance, its power,and interpretation speaking volumes to another. Ok,ok,just about there,Natalie is playing,sparkling,,filling me,I am dancing over to the side so i can watch her play,mesmorized by the magic she weaves, she looks at me and there is a second, recognition, and she plays,hot,fast,furious,eyes beaming with intensity,while she challenges me on the floor,shacles broken,crowd opening i dance in response,here i am ,free of thought, bubbling in a passion uncorked,celebrating the moment, I dance in for,because of this woman, who stands before me playing like a musical muse from an enchanted forest.This moment , wondrous, magical, and then i looking into her eyes, they are closed, as she plays, saddened here, i am lost, here i wanted you to see,to share ,i spin torn,thinking by the time i come back she will open her eyes, she is gone, walking away, playing as if to make the gods hear. Happy, confused, sad, it was all,and even with its sadness the ignition of that first passion will always be there. I am proud of the fact that i am who i am,i feel no shame in being sensitive ,romantic,or a dreamer.Chances, i have taken risks, reaped the benefits of following my heart,not my head, and one of lifes ironies is this.To truly appreciate,something, you must first lose it, and what good would being happy be without some knowledge of sadness.So,do you, do you, do you want a dance baby?!!!!!!!!
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