dad

no idea where to start,just thought of song,its 5oclock in the morning and its actually3:40 am,love that song so hold on while i turn stereo on.ok,im not over you,playing and i guess that's true.so,yes it has been a good day,wish my typing would get better,hahaha.even though i turned in my invoices last night,i never figure out the ending amount,just go to pick up check and pray for the best.i had so much to pay out,i really did not think it was going to happen,di not know what not to pay,figured i would see what was actual no.and take it from there.i must have done some kind of subconscious thing through the week,cause after paying bills due,had enough for gas and smokes,which just goes to show,someone likes me out there.food i am fine on,the only thing i am concerned with is having money for wax,but will probably go to convience store next door and work deal out for floor work against gas and cigs,which will give me the all i need for work,always  some way of getting it done,oh yeahhhhh.good wax is expensive like 30 dollars a gallon and up but there's no sense in using an inexpensive wax on my ahemmmmm,artwork,hehehehe.mortgage is paid,cant believe that i came up with a financial plan,actually following it and things are progressing better than expected,i do feel guilty about badcocks bill,but it will get paid off this month so that's still a month ahead of their due date.so if things continue as expected,murphys law3 will jump in i am sure,i should be out of the hole and things looking up in 2,yes 2 more weeks.thats what i am talking about,ah well,his is one of those times i look at my dads picture and say wish i had been more like you,should have listened more,god i miss you.love you,and hope you can see i am trying.oh that spilled an emotional roller coaster,miss him so much,love him so much,and damn life is not the same without him.my father,what a guy,i don't remember a time in my life when he was not the most revered person in my world,from a childs awe inspired love to a teen,lonely,confused,mixed up,the beacon for all my answers,for my adulthood when i began to admit my own infalliblety,his unconditional love,the strength,his life the sun that showed me the way,brightening me when in doubt,his eyes crinkling when laughing with me at the mistakes i made,and his confidence in my ability to do what i thought was right,not necessarily his belief,but a belief in my thoughts,actions,that told me,of his confidence in me as a man.i want to cry so bad,holding it in as i type,its not a void,just the desire to talk and share with my best friend,never has any one shown so much faith in me,or trust.he was just a regular guy,no fancy money,or house,worked,god he worked so hard,died broke financially,but loved,god knows his wife and stepchildren,they gave all they could and more.made me feel guilty,to be honest,but i do know my dad knew i loved him to death,and beyond.i will never for get we were working for suburban cleaning together,doing the final clean on the new stop and shop high rise in quincy,looking out through the the big plate glass window,he told me about how when he first got out of the service after his first term,he used to sleep all over the area we were looking at,.at that time not a lot of  big business,just mom and pops,woolworths,and bars.told me about how him and his father never got along,my grandfather was a powerfully built man,set in his ways,came from the old country,and the bull in his home,no questions asked.dad always treated him with respect when we kids were around,but dad was the oldest child,and responsible for all the behavior of his brothers and sisters,guess that's where he taught me the same.beatings,he took quite a few, that's just the way his father was raised and passed it down,sometimes for his siblings if they messed up he got the whack,i remember his brothers and sisters,speaking of it with reverence,at his wake.my dad said all he did when he got out of army was drink,fall down drink again,sleeping in streets,anywhere.i could just not imagine him in that situation,he drank,sometimes in excess,scared me when he would get mad,but could not see him being a drunken bum.he told me thats when he decided to reenlist,and make it his life,as there he found enough structure to make his life somewhat manageable.i will never forget the telling of that story,the intimacy of that moment,he was not a superman.he had not always been perfect,and i have never loved him more.for to me he was a god,infallible,for all his faults,his very few open mistakes,and never failing righteous wisdom.in the telling of his tale,he became human,approachable,perhaps even wiser,letting me know all is not what it seems,life is a making of choices,those choices affecting us and our families for life.i miss you so much,you were my security blanket,when we were apart i would ask myself,what would my father do,today i still do the same,knowing you arew gone.i want to laugh with you,i miss your smile,hearing you tell marge,she is the boss,i miss your quiet confidence,how you loved playing with your dogs,or complaining marge was spending all your money.i miss being able to call you when i felt weak or unsure,just hearing your voice giving me the strength to take care of business without telling you i had a problem.i am glad,you accepted me for who i was,giving me the strength to be who i am today.you have seen me in all,my highs,my lows,and i wont let us down now either dad.i am at a difficult time in my life,the wisdom,your life,the man,you are,shoulder me in the journey i am taking.i know you are here,my heart fills for you,i will walk with my head high,our pride in doing whats right,and the knowledge i would not wish to shame my fathers name.the gift you have bestowed me,that badge,your name i wear with the pride of alexanders army,as i conquer my own world,its problems,and the knowledge,your love has made it all possible.you gave me the freedom to be me,watch me fly and know if i fall into the the sun your love will comfort me,lets go dad,time to fly,love you,your son,me.