the day after

well,here i am warming up some milk wondering where my thoughts will take me.had a bad night last night more on that later,but good day today,just cant sleep so i am here again.unfortunately,for me,when i am having a bad day emotionally,i hesitate to write as i don't want to sound like a person looking for sympathy.i also think it scares that part of me that is trying to share,even if it is with people i don't know. there's a song playing, don't know the name of it,but one of the main lyrics state,its five in the morning,i think it is simply awesome,it plays almost every time something is going on,or maybe the radio just plays the hell out of it,cant get enough of it.the words and the two singing it seem to read my mind,at least the dreamer in me.so anyway i got blocked from someones facebook,it tore me up,i was hurting ,like a part of my soul had been ripped from me.messed me all up and was trying not to let anyone know,life dissolving in front of me,my existence in doubt,and you know what,they had that right and i will have to accept it.i guess the truth is they have not wanted to be a part of my life and i against all that i knew,did not want to acknowledge the reality of it.there are only a few things i haven't done in my life that i regret,and the knowledge that i will no longer have an opportunity to say something now,just illustrates the fact that i do know fear,fear of being honest,of living life.what can i say when i look at this page maybe years from now,will i be bitter at my own weakness,will i have the courage to heal myself by the admission it was really for the best of all concerned or will i look at my last statement,feeling,it was just an excuse.too late now the door has closed the end has drawn and my life.same ole,same ole,i want to cry now,i wont ,tears swelling in my eyes trying to force there way past the quick blinking of my eyelashes,i am old,my tooth is missing,i once a vampire,are in reality,the soft, disintegrating husk,without passion,watching my journey, as my shell reveals it is withering away.light will break forth through my cracks,revealing the wonder of omniscient spirit,bright with love,dancing with laughter,young in my journey,even as this dwelling of spirit submits to its own frailties.it is simply that a container,wondrous in it abilities to to lend a physical being to the light.that light which is me,the true part that man will never duplicate,no matter how skilled his ability to duplicate,it is all my memories,my things i cant share,cant remember,the moment of my birth,the knowledge of my death to be,the pain in not having your love,my death,this and what is yet to come,to shape me.that which never ages,here emotion races as bright as the day of my birth,is it possible that the spirit of who i am,that shining core,burns my shell by the strength of its brightness,uncompromising in its beliefs,the force that states it is possible,pushing at my shell in order to free itself.i don't know.i find there is a lot that i don't know or understand,the more i experience of life.funny for some think i have lost confidence in self,which could not be further from the truth,it is simply knowing that i do not control.those who do may continue,for me to control is to contain,to lose the beauty,the spirit,to deny the savage freedom of what is.better to enjoy the mystery,the magic of life,then create an orchestra controlled,irregardless of its music,it is not the beauty of freedom,that which is uninhibited,reaching to heights unimaginable,taking you to sensory overload,filling you beyond your capacity to hold or enfold,here is where i would rather dwell.scared,hell yes sometimes,seeing things others would not,my own magical,mystery tour,this is a journey which i would love to have shared,but it is composed of splinters,blunt,narrow,lengths of various size,bits and pieces,each unique,fusing into one,me.my life,too spread out in all its journeys,weaving its tendrils among others,always seeking the companionship for the journey,a many armed creature,sweeping its love throughout others lives,racing onward in its never ending search,speeding past what could have been,faltering,slowly coming to a realization.speeding up knowing all is not lost,life will go on,is that what happened,i wonder.how much have i missed in this life i think is so full,i know not,i can only hope that this,pain,will give me the strength to be true to myself in the end.love,it is what it is,and its beauty and pain are one.