The wife just called me to apologize for being ,as she called it, testy, with me earlier. Until she called, or rather, texted me, i was pissed.I am the most messed up, and confused person, i know. Especially in that area of life,known as love, affection,or that emotional side of our being. I definitely am one who thinks or actually reacts due to emotional input, more so then the logical and thinking side. I have a set of beliefs,rules, that i think should be precedent even in love, and i will be the first to admit, i allow things that I never thought I would. Excuses are always available, been together a long time, responsibility,doing the right thing.
Deep inside me, I wonder if this is my own form of punishment, payment for not being infallible, a debt to be paid for going outside the ,what is construed as normal,box.
My wife, you do not find me discussing her here very often, she is very private, and generally I respect that. To ignore her affect on me though, would be unfair to myself, when i read this in the future.Being the emotional person i am, my life is strongly affected by her. I have always told everyone, she is one of the nicest,most giving, and selfless, person i have ever met. With the exception of me,who, i feel she psychologically abuses on a daily basis. If anyone else was being subjected to the treatment I experience, I would tell them to, get the fuck out,whats wrong with you?
I remember the early years, before lifes experiences tried us, when she made me feel like a person of special importance,whose opinion mattered, one who may make mistakes but would do the right thing, evoking her understanding and compassion. Today, it is never enough, the words of praise have become words of torment, where i could do no wrong, now I can do nothing right.Words of affection,what words, they have disappeared, with the exception of those maintained through ritual,and those forced, as if by great cost.Physical signs of affection, a kiss, hug,or anything of physical intimacy, come at a price. A kiss,followed by the inevitable, ughhh, your lips were wet,a hug, its too hot, i am too touchy feely,stop it I am not in the mood.Sex, that is taboo,because i am too freaky,weird,or since its that time of life for me,I have no interest..
Everyday i try to do something to make her life a little easier, only to be subjected to either ridicule, a tirade about something wrong and a never ending feeling of unappreciation. All accepted by me, it is the norm,it is my fault, I have allowed this,for sins, unnamed i pay this price, for failing to love myself, I pay this price,and for feeling that i could have done better by her, I pay this price. Everyday, well almost, I think of yesteryear, i remember our days of bliss,and love, i pray that today, those days will ensue again. Knowing in my soul, my heart, that those days are gone, and that there will probably be no end unless i take drastic steps, my own fear, prohibiting me from facing reality.
She is so good to anyone else, i deceive myself, thinking my turn will come. In the name of love, I have done more then I should, paid a price I would ask of no other,and still go on. I allow this, I can blame none else, and even in with the knowledge, remain. Scared, I sometimes wonder, fear of losing all, fearful that I will lose myself. There is a price , my biggest fear, is do I have enough, belief in myself, to walk life's path alone, or have i decided that my fear of being alone, is the dark shadow that will cost me. Price being, joy in living life.
It is not all bad, I find moments,even hours, where we spend time together, without a harsh word said,and in her sleep, she often reaches over to wrap her self about me as if i am her shelter. Since she has started working she seems to like her self better, i wonder sometimes if I derive hope from her changes since she has started working. I dont know, I am searching for answers myself, I do love her, the question is really, how much do I love myself. Love at you,marino.
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