I am sitting here,pushing myself to post today, too many days have gone by, without a post, and the guilt is becoming too conscious. All too many moments where i am blahhing my days, kinda existing in a haze,that seems to only be enforced by moments of crisp clarity. I have moments where I feel as if I know the answers, only to reach a point where it seems fruitless. I drift without an anchor, my biggest loss,a sense of confidence in myself, and a general feeling of , damned if i do ,damned if i don't. Directionless, no shore in sight ,and for one of the few times, instead of trying to reach shore, just kicking my feet to barely keep afloat.
Watching CNBC, listening to conversation about the market and wondering,why? I torture myself, dreaming of my ifs,which are not real, i don't have the money,so my stocks would have made a pretty penny ,but i never had the money to put into them, and i cant seem too motivate myself.
My last post was on the 24th, my birthday has passed and it is now the the day before the 4th, which i had hoped to be able to spend in Boston, gawd i want to kick myself in the ass. It is raining and i love the sound, i am typing hoping to bring myself around, and instead i cant shake this feeling ,what ever it is.Looking at others in my life, they are all doing well and i feel as if i am the only one who cant get his act together,and i am scared.i have all these answers, don't do anything, and wake up looking at myself ,with more distaste.Something good happens and while i am momentarily happy, i await the next drop of something bad too occur. Thunder,just rocked, i love the sound, of thunder and it gives me a moment where I say, to myself, even the heavens are getting pissed off at your attitude, and then i slump back.
Normally, I would not post these feelings, of such negativity, honestly I don't know why I am doing it now. A last ditch appeal to self, a cry for help, that point where I just don't care that someone else may read this, even if it could cost me a job. There are times when out of fear, of someone reading my blog , I dont post things or the way i feel , in its entirety. Now, i am of two thoughts, either I don't care, or am I setting myself up for failure? It gets so tiring, not knowing, searching for answers, finding them, rejecting them for one reason or another, and then losing confidence in self.Afraid to go forward, to at least try. Help, so badly i want to ask for it, so afraid of the rejection. In my pursuit of living life, I have always been independant, maybe foolishly and secretly afraid to, be dependant on others, even to the point of not acknowledging my true interdependence, on others. On my birthday,i got in trouble with the state for not paying all the sales tax i owed, my bad, i was not spending it on things other then living expenses, i am just so afraid i am going to lose everything the wife has gotten to the point of calling me the kitchen police.I know it sounds silly, a direct result of earlier years,when i went without, a point where i am scared too spend money,hoarding it out of fear,tomorrow there will be none.Even worse,that i will not have a home, live on the streets, eating out of a dumpster,rejected by family,and worst of all, the knowledge it is all my fault,i could have done something and i am not.Now, i am paying off the sales tax,which is leaving me with no cushion,actually i am not even paying some of my bills,and it scares the hell out of me.All i can think of is whats next, am i ever going to pull myself out, do i want to,can i muster the fight,or my biggest fear,have i lost the desire, the will to fight .
I am scared, scared that Rep. Patronis will tell me there is nothing he could do for me, that if I ask the Lewis family for help, there will be none, that Claire Pease would laugh at my idea of buying carpet equip, trying to build my business, going out making cold calls and getting shut down. I fear reestablishing my business as an llc, the attempt of trying to get more work,and failing to run it properly.I am so afraid that in my tomorrows i will look back, in disgust at myself ,today, will i hate myself,? Am i done ,hell i fear waking up tomorrow,wondering what i will think of myself for posting this.Am i just whining, do I just not care,i dont know, i have no problem helping others, but am so confused about helping myself,start out to do somethng positive maybe try,and i jsut lose heart.
Holly, the accounts payable lady at Express Lane,when everything was being finalized, had a difficult time believing me when i tried to tell her the truth about Mark and the situation, I wonder if it ever crosses her mind now. It is so frustrating to tell the truth and then others whose opinions you value, doubt you. I want to believe in the right things, I am afraid, of a loss of belief in people, a core of myself has been shaken up,and is sucking into the whirlpool of loss.Loss of self, the belief that i can make a difference,the trampling of my individuality by big business, the harsh reality that what i believed, argued,and stood up for,was moot.Scotty just asked me take him to work,so i have to leave but will return,as i sat here i thought to myself,don't forget to save this so if computer shuts down you wont lose it,and in the same thought i also stated don't save it ,maybe there will be a power surge and it will all disappear,and it wont be your fault. I am saving it so i don't dislike myself later for a moment of weakness.
I am back,took Scotty to work and picked up some boxes for the girl who is having problems with husband.She got her restraining order now, and hopefully things will get better for her. Sometimes i wonder, if i am not jealous,over Donnas ability to help others,and that she is actually blooming under all this.I am losing it and she seems to be able to go forward. She is loving her job, losing weight and tries to help all that she can. All these things show she is a pretty good person,and i am proud of her. Don't always agree with her, but thats ok. Yesterday she gave me 50 bucks to help me with the bills, and i thought that was pretty nice, i tried to return it but then thought to myself, that i was being pig headed and had no right to deny her the satisfaction of trying to help.
It stopped raining for a sec but its back now.So,lets see, what have i been up to for the last few days. Yesterday,Donna and I, worked together to help move some stuff for the girl with husband problems,put some stuff in storage and did some babysitting. Monday, i sat down with accountant,she was nice enough to let me vent and i paid the back fines i owed to get warrant removed. oh, yes, for one of the few times i also watched Defiance, as it came on instead of waiting till later in the week,hehehe. Sunday, was a day of blah and to try and shake it, I cut the grass and then Donna reminded me we had a birthday party to attend. It was at a gay club, downtown for one of the people she works with. Strangely, for me, I felt a little uncomfortable at first, but watching Donna relax and enjoy herself, combined with the friendliness of the other people, i did relax and enjoy myself. Saturday, i went to Spinnakers, i did not really enjoy myself too much,though as the night progressed i was pleasantly surprised to see that the club was getting more customers,which was nice.Here I confront another fer,of being ridiculed due to my age and wanting to dance, I do eventually get beyond it, but it does take longer.I know I am not that important, I just feel more and more as if people are looking,laughing at me.
Friday, my birthday,no lie , i was disappointed,there were some good things,it was just not that great a day. First, i discovered about the state tax situation,then when i asked for some help from the kids,no luck. I asked Christine and she replied they only had 4 thousand, that they were had some bills and needed money for their business, i explained i would give her money every week and that i would have it paid by the end of July,she said she could not help. I was upset, thinking back to how many times I had helped her ,times Rocky did not even know about as she did not want him to know, when i had to worry about making sure people got paid, or a bill got delayed ,due to helping her out.The guys who worked with me always tried to tell me i was doing too much for them, which i disagreed with , thinking if it was me needing help they would be there, learned my lesson. Michele, who is going to school told me she would talk to her husband, but never called me back. She does not have much money, i know, but at the same time was all for paying for Stormy to go down with her on a trip, there are times when any amount will help and this was one. Linda, hell, i know she dose not have any extra. Scotty, he offered to help if he got some money for his cords, yet he did not give me the 40 bucks he is supposed to every week.On and on it goes,what the hell,i am just bitching ,I guess.
Lordy,lordy, the gas guy just came by,i know it sounds crazy , but Donna wants a gas stove ,has for awhile and i am trying to surprise her.The money was coming from some extra work i was gonna do for the county,which has now got to be used to catch up sales tax so i can re-establish as a llc company. I do feel a little better, after talking with the gas rep., he told me of some ways i may be able to save some money on installation,plus the tankless water heater goes outside which helps with bathroom plans. Now, i guess i will just have to make some money,hehehehe, same ole, same ole, as Linda would say..
Writing, typing this, a thought which kept recurring, in the latter part of all this, kept flashing through. How will i feel about this and my life, years from now, will i be able to laugh or will it be the downslide of the rest of my life. One of my biggest fears, about living, is regret that i will not be happy looking at my past. Today, though my life is not one of riches, fame, etc., I only have one major regret that will haunt me, two actually, both stem of the heart, one i have learned to deal with as being my own fault, the other I, have hidden,as they say, it is what it is, and perhaps some things are best left alone.Irregardless of what we feel. I think I am gonna call it a wrap now, I have been listening to the situation developing in Egypt in reference to their President Morsi. Happy July 4th, lots of luv,and may a smile grace your face, Marino.
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