I am yawning, with boredom i believe, plus its 10:30 at night and i am kinda pushing myself to type this out. I am gonna heat me some warm milk and honey, grab a few stale vanilla wafers,open myself up and watch what drops on these lines. Lets see cookies are good ,milk is warming in the microwave. It works good but i bet it is 7 years old, if it aint broke, keep on using it. Today was a little off, or rather i was, for a tad bit this morning , I was not even sure i would make it out of the bed. Love my cookies dipped in milk, oh yeah good.
I woke up, or rather the wife woke me,asking about her uniform for work. Yup, i do the laundry too, i really don't mind it helps occupy my time, its just that sometimes i think she wakes me, just to wake me, knowing i usually am up later then her. I got her uniform, stayed up till she left and then against all reason, laid back in bed. I tried fooling myself by telling myself i was tired, plans i had made for the day, kept flickering through my thoughts, prohibiting me from sleep. Dozing occasionally, watching my days expectations, positive in form last night,sinking into a morass, thick , defeating, and suffocating. Finally, after feelings of guilt, obtained by the thought of my wife working and myself doing nothing , i got up.How bad was it? Even the news my accountant gave me telling me we were caught up on sales tax, could not rouse me from my bed, even though i had been worried about it. I believe I just see myself going round and round, in smaller and smaller circles, until there is some kind of self destruct. It feels as if i am only fooling myself. No end in sight, a hiccup, here and there, light shining thru momentarily, to have shutters of black iron fall across my windows of sunshine. I hate this , I hate the idea that i am perhaps weak, showing a lack of strength, typing this, but it is for real,i don't want to hide myself, my truths of me,from tomorrow when all may be well.
To go on, to start the day,now that i am up, and filled with negativity, over not doing what i had planned, i take some baby steps. Hard to believe last night, there was so much hope for today. I call about some work for the county, trying to get a better idea of when that will start, and next i call Rep. Patronis office. His secretary tells me Mrs. Butchikas,is out to lunch and i told her i would call back. I then decide sitting in the house,is doing me no good, so I went to see the wife at the bingo hall, and decided to go see Mrs. Butchikas in person.
Since talking to Rep. Patronis and telling him about the Tom Thumb situation, i have also been afraid of the answer i would receive from him. By going to his office i hoped to let them know I was still awaiting some form of answer, and also overcoming my fear of facing a negative reaction. I did talk to her briefly, and she explained he had been out of the country, so I told her the primary reason for my coming down was to help myself get out of a bad space, and thanked her for her time.
I next went to check on my wifes car,which is gonna cost money we don't have. I am insistent on finishing it though, its one of the few things she really cares about, and it is my responsibility, my job to provide for her. I talked to Randy for a minute, and then went to see if the wife was still playing, as she was< i bought her and her friend, dinner there, and went next door to see about a haircut. Hairdresser wont be in till tomorrow,so that will wait. I came home, ate too much, to punish myself, i guess, and then the wife came home telling me she was broke, having lost all her money.
What can you do? Tomorrow I will figure out some way for her to go play, maybe i will get lucky,hehehehe, find a job or something. I have a little money in my wallet but thats for bills,emergency of one kind or another.
Now that i have gotten all this b/s down on paper, maybe i can get some rest,turn over a positive leaf and kick some butt tomorrow, it is a new day,with a fresh start,maybe i will even have some nice dreams,hehehe. I wont know till tomorrow gets here, but thats better then where i started at here tonight, so lets dance the dance of life,kick up our heels,and smile. love ya,marino.
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