christmas in july

          Colors of silver and grey,contentment,a landmark reached with out the knowledge of a goal. Over a thousand hits on my blog,i was shocked, saw it it on 990 or thereabouts last friday and flipped out. Imagine if it was a book and 1000 people liked it, to me that would be amazing. I have always wanted to be a writer but i never thought i would have the tenacity to complete it, a book.So, i write my blog, skipping days,weeks and even months, but always returning to home, to my blog.I never imagined so many people would look at it, or even more,show any interest. I  tend to think of myself more as a failure in lifes journey, even though i have been successful in the past,it all seems to have melted down,leaving me in a dazed, confused and irritated with self, state. Why would anyone want to hear my story?
         Ok, turned on the soul station, music for the soul. It has been a good time since i last posted, my main problem is me. A friend of mine, gave me a tankful of gas, to help in my search for contracts,i got a check for around 100.00 for a settlement, totally unexpected. One of the best things was being able to sit down and talk with my friend,Sal, totally uninhibited. I was able to vent with no worries and for myself,being vocal helps me to bring things to the surface and also gives me a base, that would ordinarily be kept to my subconscious, there but hidden.
        The wife watches the Hallmark station and they were doing Christmas movies over the w/e. they put a smile on my face and made me feel good about life,.reminiscing about yesteryears xmases. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, especially when i can do some giving. Broke, at that time of year, whoa, sucks so bad.Materialistic, not for myself, but who can deny the pleasure we feel when we see, a face light up, or the joy of another when a probable is fulfilled. Yeah, thats what i am talking about. Last year, sucked, financially, I wrote about my feelings in the blog, i also learned money is not the all i make it. Nice to have though.lessons learned in life are not always learned the easy way. This year, the possibility of being broke, well, i think it is going to be easier to accept.
       Another thought, me, what is going on with me? I , am at a lost here. I don't know what i am doing, the answers are probably right in front of me, but I keep going round and round. If it was any one else i would be all over them, for doing what i am, don't really comprehend, why, I can not get my head out of the sand. I have been helping the wife out at work, it actually makes me feel better about me, like i am doing something useful,contributing.It is also a way for me to not look at me, i could be doing something else constructive, and it's like an easier path, than to deal with the real things in my mind.
     I made an agreement with my foot doctor, i do his floors, he takes care of  the problems with my feet. Good deal, i believe and while i was working there Monday i was so happy, doing what i love and the results of my work. I was thinking, to myself, hell i will just go out and do some work for free, they pay for the materials and i will do the work, just to be busy. Now, thats, quite simply, not very smart. The thought wont leave my head though. Simply ridiculous, i know, but i am always so tired of hearing people complain how much they hate their job. I love what i do, for how much longer i don't know, but appreciation of work has always in my heart.
     One day, i don't know when,there will be a new atmosphere here. Due to a more positive self, if it comes about because of work,maybe a better knowledge or loving of self, i have no idea, I refuse to believe, that tomorrow will not have more positives. Good things ,do happen,and sometimes good things occur without our permission,hehehe. Hell if bad times always occur through mischance, so can good things, though i may need glasses to see it, hehehe.I love life, even the bad, for it means i am alive,living it. The scary thing is being a turtle, hiding, knowing what to do,not having the will to go forth. Every day, is an opportunity, for good and bad, when i awake for a new day,I know I may hide. The different things in myself,irregardless of what they are, that make me bring my head out, that is the beauty of being alive, not easy,and sometimes difficult as hell. The refusal to lay there, even if it is only momentary, one day that last gasp, will turn my world around, colors, green ,blue,red,fireworks,rainbows,a smile will be there. Life will be good. love ya,thank you and good night,marino.