Revelation

          Revelations. what do you say ,how do you respond, compliment intended, thinking commenced, conflicting thoughts and feelings.First it was a better then average weekend, did quite a bit of prancing (dancing), and was well received, plus met a couple of people. Dance, my chosen form of communication, the shield that allows me to be, who i reveal, while sheltering me from who i am. In the dance, i become who i would like to be. Alone I dance, unfettered, without a partner, free, for with one i may be held up to scrutiny.
         On Friday night, a brave young lady,who was with her man, emboldened by drink, danced behind me and then with me. Normally,a woman may dance with me but usually I can scare them away, not this one however. I even told her that i was unaccustomed to dancing with anyone, but she was insistent. Her boyfriend stated that she thought i had all the right moves and asked if i would dance with her, as it was their last night and he wanted her to have a good night on their last night of vacation. As i felt safe, due to her man being there we danced and it was a good time. Though i will admit it was humorous,watching the looks on the locals who know i only dance by myself,hehehe. On Saturday night, two young ladies, kept trying to entice me to the dance floor. I kept saying no, and a guy who is a regular even told them, he does not get on the floor. I went to the restroom and on my return one of the girls ,flat out blocked my path. Asking why i would not dance with them, I told them the deal with my wife is, i go out but don't dance on the dance floor,which keeps me from having situations develop. To her credit , the young woman could understand that and said she could respect that.
      Two different women and both made the same comment, " when i am your age , i hope i am as full of life as you are", pause, i don't feel old. The question is, am I in denial? Ancient, that's how i felt,but in retrospect, I am at least twice, if not more then their age. On Friday night, it was kinda humorous,for when i first arrived, i was watching the crowd, and being somewhat philosophical. Observing the younger ones, in their youthful way,no scars from life,an innocence about them, coupled with the air of infallibility, while I aged them in my mind and wondered how they would appear, after dealing with life's harsher lessons. From my unseen throne of survival, I felt for them wishing I could protect them from their tomorrows. Guess you cant your cake and eat it too. Now, this is kinda difficult to explain,so i am going to break it down, so i can understand it in my later years. Women, intimidate me, cause i always worry about being small, hehehehe. Now being married, i am safe and due to the fact i don't drink, am always in control at the clubs. Every woman of emotional importance in my life has come about as a result of dance. Being a realist, i am scared to death of running into some woman,at the club, through her dancing, who has the capability of causing me to do something stupid. This , is truly why i don't get on the dance floor, and why i tell women, that little white lie.Women today, lordy, they have no fear, I love their independence,the way they have gown into being strong, and self sufficient. It also scares me shit less,hehehe, some of them don't want to take no for an answer. Damned if i do and damned if i don't,hehehe. Now as far as my looks are concerned,well i need a dentist,or at least my front tooth back,i would definitely smile more,hehehehe, i do think i am not bad looking,in fact sometimes i wish i could match up to the appearance i present, alas, if wishes were horses,we all would ride.Old,older, I am, no lying possible there, youthful,is how i feel when I dance or a woman smiles at me enticingly. Realistically, I know that I am old in my physical being, i can not piss as far or with strength of yesteryear, on those mornings i do awake with a hard on i am grateful. Saddest thing of all, the truth of my age is simplistic, to a woman of younger years, i would inevitably be too much work for a successful relationship. Young in my mind, in all truth i feel ancient in the typing of these words, and SAD.
     I have fought the good fight, I still have the dream, the fantasy, youth . I never thought i would live this long, never prepared for tomorrow, until it was too late. The lessons i have learned, of great importance now, have i learned too late? In my travels of tomorrow,older,wiser people,look at me,with the same knowledge of my tomorrows,as I looked at those innocents,Friday, at the club. What will my future hold for me, will i discover, dreams can still be answered, or will my tomorrows suffer from my lack of preparedness for tomorrow. Tomorrow, honestly, we never can know, for is it not the birth of the rest of our life,the use of the knowledge we have spent our life so far amassing, Tomorrow, may not even arrive,but today, has been a good day,and with that i bid you good night, love that's unconditional, and a hope that I have shared something of import for you, in your tomorrows.marino.