Oh, boy i must be getting old, hehehehe, philosophy 101,driving back from Chipley,yesterday, looking at the Tom Thumb in Wasau, i realized things do change,or at least they can not go back to what used to be. We were on our way home from dropping the young lady with the abusive husband problems,at her new place,and passing the Tom Thumb, a flash of days gone by hit me,and at the same moment a guy driving a truck,with a trailer pulled in. Floor guy, I said to myself, it was a confrontation, mentally, with myself,and the funny thing is it may not have been the floor guy, but that is what i thought, so in this situation, mind over matter, hehehe.
It was strange in a way,because i was so well, kinda bitter and mad at the young lady we were trying to help. Helping her was not the difficult part, i really had no problem with that, it was where i perceived her, to me unwillingness to help, help ,herself. Hope that makes sense, we got her boxes, two days later, no boxes packed, and she watched , helping a little while we packed them.Then i saw the supposed floor guy, and wondered to myself, am i not doing the same thing.She kept making excuses, I found flimsy, am I doing the same? I, find it difficult to say this but I am trying to be honest here, for me. Suicide, a veering off the road, an unforeseen accident, someway of ending life, Things are perplexing, i range from thoughts where I want to end this seeming farce of a life, to moments where life is actually,ok. Not great, not bad, but definately worth living. A lot of me I think is, just confused, afraid, and scared because i do not have all the answers.
For days i have been wanting to call Rep. Patronis, to see if he had been able to get any results, in the Tom Thumb matter, what has stopped me, is the possibility of a negative answer, or even worse, that he states there is nothing he can do. Hopefully, putting this down will help me obtain the courage to contact him tomorrow. We shall see, but i bet i do before i get on my blog again, out of shame of not doing so. Its the same thing I believe with Express Lane, confronting the new president Bob, about the loss of the floor contract. I did try, to see Miss Pease, today,asking for an appointment.Scared if she did set up an appointment, well nervous anyway.This is in hopes of her backing me in carpet and grout cleaning.
Jim Lewis, i fill my days sometimes with thoughts of talking to him and getting some help. I sit here, all the thoughts of what i have written so far, and it all looks like a bunch of excuses, maybe heartfelt ones, but they are not going to change my life, i am the only one who can accomplish that.
The Story of Us, it is funny, is on, a movie about a couple who looks back on their life together,sen from one another's perspective, while they are trying to figure out what happened to them and their marriage. I am, I guess doing the same with me.Its funny,she just said there is a history here, and it is oh so true, i am getting teary eyed, maybe because i feel my past is swept away, the future is so scary, i am so afraid of the responsibility of being responsible for me.
Confidence, once a thing taken for granted, too much so, is now gone, the fact that i am subject to failure is such a harsh lesson, one that seemingly makes me feel less than.Where the path of my life goes, is entirely in my hands, outside forces do have impact, their strength and force ,a direct result of my weakness, or strength. For I have to concede, it is me, who determines the force of anothers impact on me, how much will I allow them to affect my life.
These words, they sound so good to me, another shield, another way of hiding, i have no bloody idea, i write, I read, sometimes it makes me think. Life, am i happy with it, yes,no,it seems as if i only have answers for a short time and then, bam, something else happens,180 degrees out.
I think i am gonna call it a night now, I did make some awesome ribs, and baked potatoes, plus i won a game at free bingo,12 bucks,all good. It has not been a bad day, i just had these thoughts since last night and wanted to remember them for tomorrow,sweet dreams,lots of love ,and may your day be bright.
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