I am joining a clan today,momentous event, in Combat Arms, called Westcoastkillers. It is run a guy called Greatfullded, we have known one another since my Xconz days.The clan has been around since Combat Arms started, and is one of the few that are well respected, in the game. It is an invitation only, and they have to know you awhile before even thinking of extending an invitation. I am honored , by the invitation and also sad, because my heart will never forget Xconz. I learned so much from my first clan, and our little community was well respected and feared,hehehehe. Unfortunately it only takes one bad apple to spoil the basket, which is what happened there, and alas our family is no more. To me as a gamer, my clan is all. I share the same things ,even more actually, as i do with my family. Here you are yourself, sharing those things you cant in the real world,problems,states of mind, and the little joys that come our way. Acceptance is based on the person you are in game, the greatest gift is here you can be you, no worries about looks,race, religion.
Its funny, i used to have skill at this game and now i am terrible,hehehehe. In time i am sure i will improve, but at least they are basing the desire to be clanmates on me as a person. Clans, are family to an old timer like me, and not something to be taken lightly. In todays gaming , so many young people join a clan and have no idea of what type of relationship is possible. As a result they jump from clan to clan not taking time to bond with their clannies, and miss out on the possibilities. In Xconz we not only talked about the game ,life, etc., we would help one another out, from help on a car, to buying things for clanmates who were in rough times or could not afford something.
It has taken a long time for me to be able to take this step, there was so much damage from the aftermath of Xconz disbanding, i think I felt as if i was going through a divorce, or taken away from my family. I may play the carefree type, but i hide the hurt, and it takes me time to overcome ,plus it is also putting yourself out there, no hiding as you have made a commitment, to your new found family. I just hope I have made the right decision, I fel like a groom the day before the wedding,hehehe. Fear, to possibly lose the opportunity of enjoying their companionship, and being a part of something that greater, for all its parts, that pushes also.One of the worst things in life, i believe is to ask yourself that question,what if?
Life is good. I got some work, not a lot but it did help a lot,hehehe. I also,swallowed my pride and am going to do some work for somebody who upset me. This time my eyes are open and i am becoming more and more aware that people don't necessarily think the same as i do. In addition I am going to apply for a job at the new General Dynamics office they are opening here for medicaid and such.Guess it is time to search other revenues of income, I can not seem to get my act together with getting contracts, in addition, I am afraid I will get a contract and something will go wrong again.It is a trust issue, one I never thought I would have.SAD!!!!!
This is such a weird time,I actually wanted to spend a lot more time here today but have actually ran out of things to say in anticipation of going in game,hehehehe. Oh yeah, the other night i was watching t.v. and a movie called The Mob,was on, simply great dance movie, which i enjoyed very much.Until the next time,love ya,marino.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Friday, August 2, 2013
heaven and hell
Really, I thought of that today, but in what context i have no idea,hehehe. Like a dust mote flashing in the haze of a flickering flash of sunlight, it appeared and was gone. It flashed and now like an object, you intend to through in the trash, but just keep moving about, the thought wont leave my mind.The wife lost her job,unfortunately, and work I had been counting upon fell through. Now i am concerned over my contract with Origin condominiums, and , whats worse, my lack of desire to go out.Money, well thats life, i mean we do need it to survive, but the lack of desire, to dance, that scares me. Frustrated, upset, my gaming gone to hell, oh I so want to scream, it wont do any good, so why do it. Placid ,too much so, i feel sometimes. Energy, i have in abundance, yet as much as I get upset, i do not allow myself to explode, or act out of character. I may have stifled my emotions for so long, I am no longer capable of feeling. Is it possible that my shell has grown inwards, surrounding my emotions to the point of non feeling? A diminished point, perhaps, which allows me to exist without risk?
So, whats upppppp, enough, time to recall some good things that have occurred,hehehe.I got an unexpected job yesterday which made 200 dollars, a friend from the past, Justin ,recommended me to this guy, and he had vct in the garage. It was fun, i was able to enjoy the sunshine, do the work, and as the owner said " I wish i had taken a picture of the before and after.", oh yeah good ,love doing my floors and the more difficult the better,hehehe. Now he doesn't want to put anything inside, loving it I am. Evidently, his wife is a bigwig in something also, if that sounds evasive, it was nowhere near as evasive as he was about his wife's job, which I will confess, has made me curious. I will find out though,hehehehe.
Oh, no!!!!!! No music on, duhhhhhhhh, at home alone and not even listening, how sad, hold on brb,hehehe. Awesome,first song is I Think I Would Have a Heart Attack,blistering way to start my jam on. Talking about, reality shows> The thought came up ,watching MTV, Big Brother flashed ,so here we go. How about unreality shows, yes, i know, it is like watching people in a fishbowl, they are all aware of the cameras though and I believe they do act in relationship, with the cameras.It would be different if there was no knowledge of the filming but every reality show is staged, i mean can you imagine the difference if they were not aware of them. Now that would surely be more boring, but when there were popping events , I assure you they would be popping . The question now is ,are we in such need of excitement we have to have drame, through others, in order to make it worthwhile to watch these shows. If this is the case then we are in trouble, believe me i can find plenty of drama just going on my game, and in my life, there is enough there to appreciate a moment like this. Happy I am just typing ,listening to my music and trying to figure out where my head is,hehehe.
Work, I believe I may be developing laziness, not a trait to be proud of. To go on, the work I was supposed to do last month will actually be occurring this month, thankfully. Pizza place called to affirm work on their floors and county states we should be doing something this month. Bad boy , Marino, still has not typed out a sheet of references, and a little insert about the business , so he can go out and hustle some work. Now that i put it here, I will hopefully get it done. Silly, it may seem, i have found that I do not like looking at the blog and having something here that makes me feel as if i quit. Silly,silly me,hehehe. I have not messed with the pond too much, pissed cause it wont clar, at the same time, i know switching one of the outlets may help. Now I have taken care of it, simply because i was cleaning out the weeds and did not want to face the fact that i was too lazy to at least switch out the hoses. Ah woe is me ,hehehehe
The other day, Madison had to stay with us, due to her having a bad case of blemishes on her face and all. I truly enjoyed the time we spent together, and it also opened my eyes a little. It has beem months since i have done any baking, partially due to my worry over gaining weight and also no one seemed to enjoy the food or rather appreciate it. Madison wanted to bake some brownies, at first i said no, eventually it happened. How can you say no, heheheh, we had a great time making them, unfortunately, they were hard as a rock,hehehe , but still the joy was great. Next she wants to clean , I have not cleaned up the house or have been doing the minimum to get by. Normally this is not me, I let her vacuum and started cleaning the rest of the house, it was amazing . She reminded me of the joy and i felt good about the house, in addition i came to realise, part of my problem is that i am lonely. Little Madison and I actually had a good time together, which is rare, in that, the things I enjoy doing , no one else do I have to share them with. Stagnancy ,can become a dangerous situation, leading to dis function of myself as a whole. Humans need fireworks of some sort, a stimulus that creates the need to go out of the box, one which stretches us to go further then the time before. This is what creates and defines us, any one can live life, I want to be alive in this life. I like the way I said that, hehehehe, so now i have to go walk my talk and do some gaming ,and improve it. Anyone who reads this, and likes first person shooters the game is Combat Arms and my handle is marinokv , iI am off now, loving the game , that we call life and yes it does get better. love to ya, me
So, whats upppppp, enough, time to recall some good things that have occurred,hehehe.I got an unexpected job yesterday which made 200 dollars, a friend from the past, Justin ,recommended me to this guy, and he had vct in the garage. It was fun, i was able to enjoy the sunshine, do the work, and as the owner said " I wish i had taken a picture of the before and after.", oh yeah good ,love doing my floors and the more difficult the better,hehehe. Now he doesn't want to put anything inside, loving it I am. Evidently, his wife is a bigwig in something also, if that sounds evasive, it was nowhere near as evasive as he was about his wife's job, which I will confess, has made me curious. I will find out though,hehehehe.
Oh, no!!!!!! No music on, duhhhhhhhh, at home alone and not even listening, how sad, hold on brb,hehehe. Awesome,first song is I Think I Would Have a Heart Attack,blistering way to start my jam on. Talking about, reality shows> The thought came up ,watching MTV, Big Brother flashed ,so here we go. How about unreality shows, yes, i know, it is like watching people in a fishbowl, they are all aware of the cameras though and I believe they do act in relationship, with the cameras.It would be different if there was no knowledge of the filming but every reality show is staged, i mean can you imagine the difference if they were not aware of them. Now that would surely be more boring, but when there were popping events , I assure you they would be popping . The question now is ,are we in such need of excitement we have to have drame, through others, in order to make it worthwhile to watch these shows. If this is the case then we are in trouble, believe me i can find plenty of drama just going on my game, and in my life, there is enough there to appreciate a moment like this. Happy I am just typing ,listening to my music and trying to figure out where my head is,hehehe.
Work, I believe I may be developing laziness, not a trait to be proud of. To go on, the work I was supposed to do last month will actually be occurring this month, thankfully. Pizza place called to affirm work on their floors and county states we should be doing something this month. Bad boy , Marino, still has not typed out a sheet of references, and a little insert about the business , so he can go out and hustle some work. Now that i put it here, I will hopefully get it done. Silly, it may seem, i have found that I do not like looking at the blog and having something here that makes me feel as if i quit. Silly,silly me,hehehe. I have not messed with the pond too much, pissed cause it wont clar, at the same time, i know switching one of the outlets may help. Now I have taken care of it, simply because i was cleaning out the weeds and did not want to face the fact that i was too lazy to at least switch out the hoses. Ah woe is me ,hehehehe
The other day, Madison had to stay with us, due to her having a bad case of blemishes on her face and all. I truly enjoyed the time we spent together, and it also opened my eyes a little. It has beem months since i have done any baking, partially due to my worry over gaining weight and also no one seemed to enjoy the food or rather appreciate it. Madison wanted to bake some brownies, at first i said no, eventually it happened. How can you say no, heheheh, we had a great time making them, unfortunately, they were hard as a rock,hehehe , but still the joy was great. Next she wants to clean , I have not cleaned up the house or have been doing the minimum to get by. Normally this is not me, I let her vacuum and started cleaning the rest of the house, it was amazing . She reminded me of the joy and i felt good about the house, in addition i came to realise, part of my problem is that i am lonely. Little Madison and I actually had a good time together, which is rare, in that, the things I enjoy doing , no one else do I have to share them with. Stagnancy ,can become a dangerous situation, leading to dis function of myself as a whole. Humans need fireworks of some sort, a stimulus that creates the need to go out of the box, one which stretches us to go further then the time before. This is what creates and defines us, any one can live life, I want to be alive in this life. I like the way I said that, hehehehe, so now i have to go walk my talk and do some gaming ,and improve it. Anyone who reads this, and likes first person shooters the game is Combat Arms and my handle is marinokv , iI am off now, loving the game , that we call life and yes it does get better. love to ya, me
Friday, July 19, 2013
the question is how did i allow this to happen
The wife just called me to apologize for being ,as she called it, testy, with me earlier. Until she called, or rather, texted me, i was pissed.I am the most messed up, and confused person, i know. Especially in that area of life,known as love, affection,or that emotional side of our being. I definitely am one who thinks or actually reacts due to emotional input, more so then the logical and thinking side. I have a set of beliefs,rules, that i think should be precedent even in love, and i will be the first to admit, i allow things that I never thought I would. Excuses are always available, been together a long time, responsibility,doing the right thing.
Deep inside me, I wonder if this is my own form of punishment, payment for not being infallible, a debt to be paid for going outside the ,what is construed as normal,box.
My wife, you do not find me discussing her here very often, she is very private, and generally I respect that. To ignore her affect on me though, would be unfair to myself, when i read this in the future.Being the emotional person i am, my life is strongly affected by her. I have always told everyone, she is one of the nicest,most giving, and selfless, person i have ever met. With the exception of me,who, i feel she psychologically abuses on a daily basis. If anyone else was being subjected to the treatment I experience, I would tell them to, get the fuck out,whats wrong with you?
I remember the early years, before lifes experiences tried us, when she made me feel like a person of special importance,whose opinion mattered, one who may make mistakes but would do the right thing, evoking her understanding and compassion. Today, it is never enough, the words of praise have become words of torment, where i could do no wrong, now I can do nothing right.Words of affection,what words, they have disappeared, with the exception of those maintained through ritual,and those forced, as if by great cost.Physical signs of affection, a kiss, hug,or anything of physical intimacy, come at a price. A kiss,followed by the inevitable, ughhh, your lips were wet,a hug, its too hot, i am too touchy feely,stop it I am not in the mood.Sex, that is taboo,because i am too freaky,weird,or since its that time of life for me,I have no interest..
Everyday i try to do something to make her life a little easier, only to be subjected to either ridicule, a tirade about something wrong and a never ending feeling of unappreciation. All accepted by me, it is the norm,it is my fault, I have allowed this,for sins, unnamed i pay this price, for failing to love myself, I pay this price,and for feeling that i could have done better by her, I pay this price. Everyday, well almost, I think of yesteryear, i remember our days of bliss,and love, i pray that today, those days will ensue again. Knowing in my soul, my heart, that those days are gone, and that there will probably be no end unless i take drastic steps, my own fear, prohibiting me from facing reality.
She is so good to anyone else, i deceive myself, thinking my turn will come. In the name of love, I have done more then I should, paid a price I would ask of no other,and still go on. I allow this, I can blame none else, and even in with the knowledge, remain. Scared, I sometimes wonder, fear of losing all, fearful that I will lose myself. There is a price , my biggest fear, is do I have enough, belief in myself, to walk life's path alone, or have i decided that my fear of being alone, is the dark shadow that will cost me. Price being, joy in living life.
It is not all bad, I find moments,even hours, where we spend time together, without a harsh word said,and in her sleep, she often reaches over to wrap her self about me as if i am her shelter. Since she has started working she seems to like her self better, i wonder sometimes if I derive hope from her changes since she has started working. I dont know, I am searching for answers myself, I do love her, the question is really, how much do I love myself. Love at you,marino.
Deep inside me, I wonder if this is my own form of punishment, payment for not being infallible, a debt to be paid for going outside the ,what is construed as normal,box.
My wife, you do not find me discussing her here very often, she is very private, and generally I respect that. To ignore her affect on me though, would be unfair to myself, when i read this in the future.Being the emotional person i am, my life is strongly affected by her. I have always told everyone, she is one of the nicest,most giving, and selfless, person i have ever met. With the exception of me,who, i feel she psychologically abuses on a daily basis. If anyone else was being subjected to the treatment I experience, I would tell them to, get the fuck out,whats wrong with you?
I remember the early years, before lifes experiences tried us, when she made me feel like a person of special importance,whose opinion mattered, one who may make mistakes but would do the right thing, evoking her understanding and compassion. Today, it is never enough, the words of praise have become words of torment, where i could do no wrong, now I can do nothing right.Words of affection,what words, they have disappeared, with the exception of those maintained through ritual,and those forced, as if by great cost.Physical signs of affection, a kiss, hug,or anything of physical intimacy, come at a price. A kiss,followed by the inevitable, ughhh, your lips were wet,a hug, its too hot, i am too touchy feely,stop it I am not in the mood.Sex, that is taboo,because i am too freaky,weird,or since its that time of life for me,I have no interest..
Everyday i try to do something to make her life a little easier, only to be subjected to either ridicule, a tirade about something wrong and a never ending feeling of unappreciation. All accepted by me, it is the norm,it is my fault, I have allowed this,for sins, unnamed i pay this price, for failing to love myself, I pay this price,and for feeling that i could have done better by her, I pay this price. Everyday, well almost, I think of yesteryear, i remember our days of bliss,and love, i pray that today, those days will ensue again. Knowing in my soul, my heart, that those days are gone, and that there will probably be no end unless i take drastic steps, my own fear, prohibiting me from facing reality.
She is so good to anyone else, i deceive myself, thinking my turn will come. In the name of love, I have done more then I should, paid a price I would ask of no other,and still go on. I allow this, I can blame none else, and even in with the knowledge, remain. Scared, I sometimes wonder, fear of losing all, fearful that I will lose myself. There is a price , my biggest fear, is do I have enough, belief in myself, to walk life's path alone, or have i decided that my fear of being alone, is the dark shadow that will cost me. Price being, joy in living life.
It is not all bad, I find moments,even hours, where we spend time together, without a harsh word said,and in her sleep, she often reaches over to wrap her self about me as if i am her shelter. Since she has started working she seems to like her self better, i wonder sometimes if I derive hope from her changes since she has started working. I dont know, I am searching for answers myself, I do love her, the question is really, how much do I love myself. Love at you,marino.
combat arms
Such an important part of my world but seldom mentioned is computer gaming.I have been playing computer games for ever........... I dont even remember the name of my first game,but who can forget the original first person shooter Wolfenstein,the one that started it all. Doom, Quake, Call of Duty, the list is endless, for a person of my tender years,hehehe, it has been a revolution, and of course they are now talking about the death of the p.c..Wahhhhhh, so many hours, such a large part of my life, and some money,hahaha, trying to keep my system up to par. The experience of gaming,the worlds it has opened, along with the technology it has introduced, if this is what the future holds for those of younger years i envy you, your journey.
I fell in love with first person shooters, and spent numerous hours playing, developing my skill to be able to brag of my prowess,hehehe. Then, on CNET, in their d/l section, i found a game called Combat Arms. Little did i know this game was to change my world. It was an online game and free to play, now C.O.D. was already on the internet but for myself i was happy with the single player version,not wanting to bother with the pain of starting to play online. I was hooked on Combat Arms, after my first game, the graphics were good , you could talk to people by typing and the community, was simply awesome.
It turned out i was reasonably good at playing and was invited to join different clans. A clan is a group of people who enjoy playing together, and at its truest form,is a family. I joined the original Xconz clan, members were people i could discuss my life, any problems, and be honest with. They instilled a feeling of acceptance, and love, based on nothing about me other then who i am.. They accepted me into their lives,helped me out, shared things and were true brothers in arms. You see it is only a game, but when you spend hours of time with people, even those things we hide from one another come out.
The disbanding of our clan was one of the most difficult things i have ever dealt with., To see your family disintegrate, move in with other families, for me was one of the most difficult things i have ever gone through. It took me a long time to overcome it, even though i joined other clans,they simply did not fill the void i experienced upon our dissolution.
The game,like most things has evolved in the 5 years i have been playing, some good and some i dont agree with. People, the players, i have now known, some for as long as i have been playing, are why i keep coming back. With the addition of voice while playing , you have interesting conversations, develop friendships,oh and lets not forget the DRAMA,hahhaha. Sometimes I am amazed by the way people are. When I first started playing i was pretty good, today i suck,hehehe. I play, quit for awhile,sometimes frustrated by the horrible player i have become, and I return. On my return I am always amazed by the number of people who are so happy to see me back,actually i feel guilty that i have been absent for so long. You see when I have times of difficulty i hide from the world including my gaming world, then i am surprised by the love that is showered on me.
There have been times, since i first started playing, when these are the only people I can unload to. They know me not,with the exception of what i tell them, trust me and judge me not. For me , I used to think my skill was the magnet, that left, and they are still there, what else can you ask for.If the world was as accepting of people,maybe it would be a better place.I could go on and on,the fact that i still play,as bad as i have become, is in itself a testament to the beauty of the world of gaming,its people and the social affects on us in todays modern world, to all i give my love and to gamers a little more,thank you for allowing me to be me,and telling me it is ok to be me,love marino
I fell in love with first person shooters, and spent numerous hours playing, developing my skill to be able to brag of my prowess,hehehe. Then, on CNET, in their d/l section, i found a game called Combat Arms. Little did i know this game was to change my world. It was an online game and free to play, now C.O.D. was already on the internet but for myself i was happy with the single player version,not wanting to bother with the pain of starting to play online. I was hooked on Combat Arms, after my first game, the graphics were good , you could talk to people by typing and the community, was simply awesome.
It turned out i was reasonably good at playing and was invited to join different clans. A clan is a group of people who enjoy playing together, and at its truest form,is a family. I joined the original Xconz clan, members were people i could discuss my life, any problems, and be honest with. They instilled a feeling of acceptance, and love, based on nothing about me other then who i am.. They accepted me into their lives,helped me out, shared things and were true brothers in arms. You see it is only a game, but when you spend hours of time with people, even those things we hide from one another come out.
The disbanding of our clan was one of the most difficult things i have ever dealt with., To see your family disintegrate, move in with other families, for me was one of the most difficult things i have ever gone through. It took me a long time to overcome it, even though i joined other clans,they simply did not fill the void i experienced upon our dissolution.
The game,like most things has evolved in the 5 years i have been playing, some good and some i dont agree with. People, the players, i have now known, some for as long as i have been playing, are why i keep coming back. With the addition of voice while playing , you have interesting conversations, develop friendships,oh and lets not forget the DRAMA,hahhaha. Sometimes I am amazed by the way people are. When I first started playing i was pretty good, today i suck,hehehe. I play, quit for awhile,sometimes frustrated by the horrible player i have become, and I return. On my return I am always amazed by the number of people who are so happy to see me back,actually i feel guilty that i have been absent for so long. You see when I have times of difficulty i hide from the world including my gaming world, then i am surprised by the love that is showered on me.
There have been times, since i first started playing, when these are the only people I can unload to. They know me not,with the exception of what i tell them, trust me and judge me not. For me , I used to think my skill was the magnet, that left, and they are still there, what else can you ask for.If the world was as accepting of people,maybe it would be a better place.I could go on and on,the fact that i still play,as bad as i have become, is in itself a testament to the beauty of the world of gaming,its people and the social affects on us in todays modern world, to all i give my love and to gamers a little more,thank you for allowing me to be me,and telling me it is ok to be me,love marino
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
christmas in july
Colors of silver and grey,contentment,a landmark reached with out the knowledge of a goal. Over a thousand hits on my blog,i was shocked, saw it it on 990 or thereabouts last friday and flipped out. Imagine if it was a book and 1000 people liked it, to me that would be amazing. I have always wanted to be a writer but i never thought i would have the tenacity to complete it, a book.So, i write my blog, skipping days,weeks and even months, but always returning to home, to my blog.I never imagined so many people would look at it, or even more,show any interest. I tend to think of myself more as a failure in lifes journey, even though i have been successful in the past,it all seems to have melted down,leaving me in a dazed, confused and irritated with self, state. Why would anyone want to hear my story?
Ok, turned on the soul station, music for the soul. It has been a good time since i last posted, my main problem is me. A friend of mine, gave me a tankful of gas, to help in my search for contracts,i got a check for around 100.00 for a settlement, totally unexpected. One of the best things was being able to sit down and talk with my friend,Sal, totally uninhibited. I was able to vent with no worries and for myself,being vocal helps me to bring things to the surface and also gives me a base, that would ordinarily be kept to my subconscious, there but hidden.
The wife watches the Hallmark station and they were doing Christmas movies over the w/e. they put a smile on my face and made me feel good about life,.reminiscing about yesteryears xmases. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, especially when i can do some giving. Broke, at that time of year, whoa, sucks so bad.Materialistic, not for myself, but who can deny the pleasure we feel when we see, a face light up, or the joy of another when a probable is fulfilled. Yeah, thats what i am talking about. Last year, sucked, financially, I wrote about my feelings in the blog, i also learned money is not the all i make it. Nice to have though.lessons learned in life are not always learned the easy way. This year, the possibility of being broke, well, i think it is going to be easier to accept.
Another thought, me, what is going on with me? I , am at a lost here. I don't know what i am doing, the answers are probably right in front of me, but I keep going round and round. If it was any one else i would be all over them, for doing what i am, don't really comprehend, why, I can not get my head out of the sand. I have been helping the wife out at work, it actually makes me feel better about me, like i am doing something useful,contributing.It is also a way for me to not look at me, i could be doing something else constructive, and it's like an easier path, than to deal with the real things in my mind.
I made an agreement with my foot doctor, i do his floors, he takes care of the problems with my feet. Good deal, i believe and while i was working there Monday i was so happy, doing what i love and the results of my work. I was thinking, to myself, hell i will just go out and do some work for free, they pay for the materials and i will do the work, just to be busy. Now, thats, quite simply, not very smart. The thought wont leave my head though. Simply ridiculous, i know, but i am always so tired of hearing people complain how much they hate their job. I love what i do, for how much longer i don't know, but appreciation of work has always in my heart.
One day, i don't know when,there will be a new atmosphere here. Due to a more positive self, if it comes about because of work,maybe a better knowledge or loving of self, i have no idea, I refuse to believe, that tomorrow will not have more positives. Good things ,do happen,and sometimes good things occur without our permission,hehehe. Hell if bad times always occur through mischance, so can good things, though i may need glasses to see it, hehehe.I love life, even the bad, for it means i am alive,living it. The scary thing is being a turtle, hiding, knowing what to do,not having the will to go forth. Every day, is an opportunity, for good and bad, when i awake for a new day,I know I may hide. The different things in myself,irregardless of what they are, that make me bring my head out, that is the beauty of being alive, not easy,and sometimes difficult as hell. The refusal to lay there, even if it is only momentary, one day that last gasp, will turn my world around, colors, green ,blue,red,fireworks,rainbows,a smile will be there. Life will be good. love ya,thank you and good night,marino.
Ok, turned on the soul station, music for the soul. It has been a good time since i last posted, my main problem is me. A friend of mine, gave me a tankful of gas, to help in my search for contracts,i got a check for around 100.00 for a settlement, totally unexpected. One of the best things was being able to sit down and talk with my friend,Sal, totally uninhibited. I was able to vent with no worries and for myself,being vocal helps me to bring things to the surface and also gives me a base, that would ordinarily be kept to my subconscious, there but hidden.
The wife watches the Hallmark station and they were doing Christmas movies over the w/e. they put a smile on my face and made me feel good about life,.reminiscing about yesteryears xmases. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, especially when i can do some giving. Broke, at that time of year, whoa, sucks so bad.Materialistic, not for myself, but who can deny the pleasure we feel when we see, a face light up, or the joy of another when a probable is fulfilled. Yeah, thats what i am talking about. Last year, sucked, financially, I wrote about my feelings in the blog, i also learned money is not the all i make it. Nice to have though.lessons learned in life are not always learned the easy way. This year, the possibility of being broke, well, i think it is going to be easier to accept.
Another thought, me, what is going on with me? I , am at a lost here. I don't know what i am doing, the answers are probably right in front of me, but I keep going round and round. If it was any one else i would be all over them, for doing what i am, don't really comprehend, why, I can not get my head out of the sand. I have been helping the wife out at work, it actually makes me feel better about me, like i am doing something useful,contributing.It is also a way for me to not look at me, i could be doing something else constructive, and it's like an easier path, than to deal with the real things in my mind.
I made an agreement with my foot doctor, i do his floors, he takes care of the problems with my feet. Good deal, i believe and while i was working there Monday i was so happy, doing what i love and the results of my work. I was thinking, to myself, hell i will just go out and do some work for free, they pay for the materials and i will do the work, just to be busy. Now, thats, quite simply, not very smart. The thought wont leave my head though. Simply ridiculous, i know, but i am always so tired of hearing people complain how much they hate their job. I love what i do, for how much longer i don't know, but appreciation of work has always in my heart.
One day, i don't know when,there will be a new atmosphere here. Due to a more positive self, if it comes about because of work,maybe a better knowledge or loving of self, i have no idea, I refuse to believe, that tomorrow will not have more positives. Good things ,do happen,and sometimes good things occur without our permission,hehehe. Hell if bad times always occur through mischance, so can good things, though i may need glasses to see it, hehehe.I love life, even the bad, for it means i am alive,living it. The scary thing is being a turtle, hiding, knowing what to do,not having the will to go forth. Every day, is an opportunity, for good and bad, when i awake for a new day,I know I may hide. The different things in myself,irregardless of what they are, that make me bring my head out, that is the beauty of being alive, not easy,and sometimes difficult as hell. The refusal to lay there, even if it is only momentary, one day that last gasp, will turn my world around, colors, green ,blue,red,fireworks,rainbows,a smile will be there. Life will be good. love ya,thank you and good night,marino.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
time to exorcise these demons
I am yawning, with boredom i believe, plus its 10:30 at night and i am kinda pushing myself to type this out. I am gonna heat me some warm milk and honey, grab a few stale vanilla wafers,open myself up and watch what drops on these lines. Lets see cookies are good ,milk is warming in the microwave. It works good but i bet it is 7 years old, if it aint broke, keep on using it. Today was a little off, or rather i was, for a tad bit this morning , I was not even sure i would make it out of the bed. Love my cookies dipped in milk, oh yeah good.
I woke up, or rather the wife woke me,asking about her uniform for work. Yup, i do the laundry too, i really don't mind it helps occupy my time, its just that sometimes i think she wakes me, just to wake me, knowing i usually am up later then her. I got her uniform, stayed up till she left and then against all reason, laid back in bed. I tried fooling myself by telling myself i was tired, plans i had made for the day, kept flickering through my thoughts, prohibiting me from sleep. Dozing occasionally, watching my days expectations, positive in form last night,sinking into a morass, thick , defeating, and suffocating. Finally, after feelings of guilt, obtained by the thought of my wife working and myself doing nothing , i got up.How bad was it? Even the news my accountant gave me telling me we were caught up on sales tax, could not rouse me from my bed, even though i had been worried about it. I believe I just see myself going round and round, in smaller and smaller circles, until there is some kind of self destruct. It feels as if i am only fooling myself. No end in sight, a hiccup, here and there, light shining thru momentarily, to have shutters of black iron fall across my windows of sunshine. I hate this , I hate the idea that i am perhaps weak, showing a lack of strength, typing this, but it is for real,i don't want to hide myself, my truths of me,from tomorrow when all may be well.
To go on, to start the day,now that i am up, and filled with negativity, over not doing what i had planned, i take some baby steps. Hard to believe last night, there was so much hope for today. I call about some work for the county, trying to get a better idea of when that will start, and next i call Rep. Patronis office. His secretary tells me Mrs. Butchikas,is out to lunch and i told her i would call back. I then decide sitting in the house,is doing me no good, so I went to see the wife at the bingo hall, and decided to go see Mrs. Butchikas in person.
Since talking to Rep. Patronis and telling him about the Tom Thumb situation, i have also been afraid of the answer i would receive from him. By going to his office i hoped to let them know I was still awaiting some form of answer, and also overcoming my fear of facing a negative reaction. I did talk to her briefly, and she explained he had been out of the country, so I told her the primary reason for my coming down was to help myself get out of a bad space, and thanked her for her time.
I next went to check on my wifes car,which is gonna cost money we don't have. I am insistent on finishing it though, its one of the few things she really cares about, and it is my responsibility, my job to provide for her. I talked to Randy for a minute, and then went to see if the wife was still playing, as she was< i bought her and her friend, dinner there, and went next door to see about a haircut. Hairdresser wont be in till tomorrow,so that will wait. I came home, ate too much, to punish myself, i guess, and then the wife came home telling me she was broke, having lost all her money.
What can you do? Tomorrow I will figure out some way for her to go play, maybe i will get lucky,hehehehe, find a job or something. I have a little money in my wallet but thats for bills,emergency of one kind or another.
Now that i have gotten all this b/s down on paper, maybe i can get some rest,turn over a positive leaf and kick some butt tomorrow, it is a new day,with a fresh start,maybe i will even have some nice dreams,hehehe. I wont know till tomorrow gets here, but thats better then where i started at here tonight, so lets dance the dance of life,kick up our heels,and smile. love ya,marino.
I woke up, or rather the wife woke me,asking about her uniform for work. Yup, i do the laundry too, i really don't mind it helps occupy my time, its just that sometimes i think she wakes me, just to wake me, knowing i usually am up later then her. I got her uniform, stayed up till she left and then against all reason, laid back in bed. I tried fooling myself by telling myself i was tired, plans i had made for the day, kept flickering through my thoughts, prohibiting me from sleep. Dozing occasionally, watching my days expectations, positive in form last night,sinking into a morass, thick , defeating, and suffocating. Finally, after feelings of guilt, obtained by the thought of my wife working and myself doing nothing , i got up.How bad was it? Even the news my accountant gave me telling me we were caught up on sales tax, could not rouse me from my bed, even though i had been worried about it. I believe I just see myself going round and round, in smaller and smaller circles, until there is some kind of self destruct. It feels as if i am only fooling myself. No end in sight, a hiccup, here and there, light shining thru momentarily, to have shutters of black iron fall across my windows of sunshine. I hate this , I hate the idea that i am perhaps weak, showing a lack of strength, typing this, but it is for real,i don't want to hide myself, my truths of me,from tomorrow when all may be well.
To go on, to start the day,now that i am up, and filled with negativity, over not doing what i had planned, i take some baby steps. Hard to believe last night, there was so much hope for today. I call about some work for the county, trying to get a better idea of when that will start, and next i call Rep. Patronis office. His secretary tells me Mrs. Butchikas,is out to lunch and i told her i would call back. I then decide sitting in the house,is doing me no good, so I went to see the wife at the bingo hall, and decided to go see Mrs. Butchikas in person.
Since talking to Rep. Patronis and telling him about the Tom Thumb situation, i have also been afraid of the answer i would receive from him. By going to his office i hoped to let them know I was still awaiting some form of answer, and also overcoming my fear of facing a negative reaction. I did talk to her briefly, and she explained he had been out of the country, so I told her the primary reason for my coming down was to help myself get out of a bad space, and thanked her for her time.
I next went to check on my wifes car,which is gonna cost money we don't have. I am insistent on finishing it though, its one of the few things she really cares about, and it is my responsibility, my job to provide for her. I talked to Randy for a minute, and then went to see if the wife was still playing, as she was< i bought her and her friend, dinner there, and went next door to see about a haircut. Hairdresser wont be in till tomorrow,so that will wait. I came home, ate too much, to punish myself, i guess, and then the wife came home telling me she was broke, having lost all her money.
What can you do? Tomorrow I will figure out some way for her to go play, maybe i will get lucky,hehehehe, find a job or something. I have a little money in my wallet but thats for bills,emergency of one kind or another.
Now that i have gotten all this b/s down on paper, maybe i can get some rest,turn over a positive leaf and kick some butt tomorrow, it is a new day,with a fresh start,maybe i will even have some nice dreams,hehehe. I wont know till tomorrow gets here, but thats better then where i started at here tonight, so lets dance the dance of life,kick up our heels,and smile. love ya,marino.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
we cant go back to yesterday
Oh, boy i must be getting old, hehehehe, philosophy 101,driving back from Chipley,yesterday, looking at the Tom Thumb in Wasau, i realized things do change,or at least they can not go back to what used to be. We were on our way home from dropping the young lady with the abusive husband problems,at her new place,and passing the Tom Thumb, a flash of days gone by hit me,and at the same moment a guy driving a truck,with a trailer pulled in. Floor guy, I said to myself, it was a confrontation, mentally, with myself,and the funny thing is it may not have been the floor guy, but that is what i thought, so in this situation, mind over matter, hehehe.
It was strange in a way,because i was so well, kinda bitter and mad at the young lady we were trying to help. Helping her was not the difficult part, i really had no problem with that, it was where i perceived her, to me unwillingness to help, help ,herself. Hope that makes sense, we got her boxes, two days later, no boxes packed, and she watched , helping a little while we packed them.Then i saw the supposed floor guy, and wondered to myself, am i not doing the same thing.She kept making excuses, I found flimsy, am I doing the same? I, find it difficult to say this but I am trying to be honest here, for me. Suicide, a veering off the road, an unforeseen accident, someway of ending life, Things are perplexing, i range from thoughts where I want to end this seeming farce of a life, to moments where life is actually,ok. Not great, not bad, but definately worth living. A lot of me I think is, just confused, afraid, and scared because i do not have all the answers.
For days i have been wanting to call Rep. Patronis, to see if he had been able to get any results, in the Tom Thumb matter, what has stopped me, is the possibility of a negative answer, or even worse, that he states there is nothing he can do. Hopefully, putting this down will help me obtain the courage to contact him tomorrow. We shall see, but i bet i do before i get on my blog again, out of shame of not doing so. Its the same thing I believe with Express Lane, confronting the new president Bob, about the loss of the floor contract. I did try, to see Miss Pease, today,asking for an appointment.Scared if she did set up an appointment, well nervous anyway.This is in hopes of her backing me in carpet and grout cleaning.
Jim Lewis, i fill my days sometimes with thoughts of talking to him and getting some help. I sit here, all the thoughts of what i have written so far, and it all looks like a bunch of excuses, maybe heartfelt ones, but they are not going to change my life, i am the only one who can accomplish that.
The Story of Us, it is funny, is on, a movie about a couple who looks back on their life together,sen from one another's perspective, while they are trying to figure out what happened to them and their marriage. I am, I guess doing the same with me.Its funny,she just said there is a history here, and it is oh so true, i am getting teary eyed, maybe because i feel my past is swept away, the future is so scary, i am so afraid of the responsibility of being responsible for me.
Confidence, once a thing taken for granted, too much so, is now gone, the fact that i am subject to failure is such a harsh lesson, one that seemingly makes me feel less than.Where the path of my life goes, is entirely in my hands, outside forces do have impact, their strength and force ,a direct result of my weakness, or strength. For I have to concede, it is me, who determines the force of anothers impact on me, how much will I allow them to affect my life.
These words, they sound so good to me, another shield, another way of hiding, i have no bloody idea, i write, I read, sometimes it makes me think. Life, am i happy with it, yes,no,it seems as if i only have answers for a short time and then, bam, something else happens,180 degrees out.
I think i am gonna call it a night now, I did make some awesome ribs, and baked potatoes, plus i won a game at free bingo,12 bucks,all good. It has not been a bad day, i just had these thoughts since last night and wanted to remember them for tomorrow,sweet dreams,lots of love ,and may your day be bright.
It was strange in a way,because i was so well, kinda bitter and mad at the young lady we were trying to help. Helping her was not the difficult part, i really had no problem with that, it was where i perceived her, to me unwillingness to help, help ,herself. Hope that makes sense, we got her boxes, two days later, no boxes packed, and she watched , helping a little while we packed them.Then i saw the supposed floor guy, and wondered to myself, am i not doing the same thing.She kept making excuses, I found flimsy, am I doing the same? I, find it difficult to say this but I am trying to be honest here, for me. Suicide, a veering off the road, an unforeseen accident, someway of ending life, Things are perplexing, i range from thoughts where I want to end this seeming farce of a life, to moments where life is actually,ok. Not great, not bad, but definately worth living. A lot of me I think is, just confused, afraid, and scared because i do not have all the answers.
For days i have been wanting to call Rep. Patronis, to see if he had been able to get any results, in the Tom Thumb matter, what has stopped me, is the possibility of a negative answer, or even worse, that he states there is nothing he can do. Hopefully, putting this down will help me obtain the courage to contact him tomorrow. We shall see, but i bet i do before i get on my blog again, out of shame of not doing so. Its the same thing I believe with Express Lane, confronting the new president Bob, about the loss of the floor contract. I did try, to see Miss Pease, today,asking for an appointment.Scared if she did set up an appointment, well nervous anyway.This is in hopes of her backing me in carpet and grout cleaning.
Jim Lewis, i fill my days sometimes with thoughts of talking to him and getting some help. I sit here, all the thoughts of what i have written so far, and it all looks like a bunch of excuses, maybe heartfelt ones, but they are not going to change my life, i am the only one who can accomplish that.
The Story of Us, it is funny, is on, a movie about a couple who looks back on their life together,sen from one another's perspective, while they are trying to figure out what happened to them and their marriage. I am, I guess doing the same with me.Its funny,she just said there is a history here, and it is oh so true, i am getting teary eyed, maybe because i feel my past is swept away, the future is so scary, i am so afraid of the responsibility of being responsible for me.
Confidence, once a thing taken for granted, too much so, is now gone, the fact that i am subject to failure is such a harsh lesson, one that seemingly makes me feel less than.Where the path of my life goes, is entirely in my hands, outside forces do have impact, their strength and force ,a direct result of my weakness, or strength. For I have to concede, it is me, who determines the force of anothers impact on me, how much will I allow them to affect my life.
These words, they sound so good to me, another shield, another way of hiding, i have no bloody idea, i write, I read, sometimes it makes me think. Life, am i happy with it, yes,no,it seems as if i only have answers for a short time and then, bam, something else happens,180 degrees out.
I think i am gonna call it a night now, I did make some awesome ribs, and baked potatoes, plus i won a game at free bingo,12 bucks,all good. It has not been a bad day, i just had these thoughts since last night and wanted to remember them for tomorrow,sweet dreams,lots of love ,and may your day be bright.
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