The Voice,Natalie Stovall

 Damn ,its been awhile,hehe. Plus its 1;30 in the am,with a revolving door of thoughts,that had been centered and firmly held,blown from their moorings,by a totally unexpected chain of actions. Those who know me , know I keep my secrets well, my heart cased in pains of the past,yet i acknowledge and feel that which makes my life the wonder it is.
           I am the voyeur in my life,the watcher who knows what could have been possible,the judge who passes sentence if unleashed, and the protector of those I love and care for, and the child who cries in silence large warm tears that cool as they trickle down my face,for denial of love thats best for all, unspoken ,but there, a roarr,thats kept contained, its best for you.
           Thoughts,spearing through,piercing free,colored electrical arcs,blue, red,silver,connecting combinations kept in thrall, creating passages i can envision,fearing to tread. What have I done in my past life to reap this pain, to know, to feel,that wondrous caress, that love enfolds you with,its passion which springs from my eyes,a hidden truth that here cant hide.
            Life for some is a predictable event,on and on it rolls,for others those who walk a different path, one of their own,the highs are amazing,its lows, ones that can absorb the soul, lose the person and create a vacancy where a human once dwelt. It is amazing how a seemingly ordinary or in appearance, casual act can affect the path of a persons life....my life is a road map of them. My life,the good and the bad have been touched,enriched,and brought to despair by individual acts from which my life has been shaped. Its Christmas, i am broke,see no light,to me its the biggest holiday of the year, its when i shower those I love with all I can. Despondent, I go to Wal mart, and watching the people doing their shopping,you see the joy as they pick out gifts,the children acting like children,laughing, smiling being mischievous, parents trying unsuccessfully to be stern, and I realize that here is the true joy of Christmas, not the gifts as much as doing the best we can with what we have, to give someone we care for,a gift of unselfishness,money which would have maybe done more for ourselves but another is more important. I left the store and though i did not have much , I did shop with a lighter heart,that will always be enrichened with a knowledge others did not even know they were teaching. I told this story to get back on track and to show how interaction can occur without intention.
          The Voice,********,a show that i watched occasionally,with some enjoyment,has gotten me pretty upset,and I will be the first to admit, it was something they have probably done every show,but this time it hit close to home.The winner of The Voice is picked by the audience and a lot of people will watch the beginning trials to pick their contestant,then vote for them at every chance. Contestants who are viewed on the blind auditions begin building their base from these performances,and so the games begin,however, a few are just listed, in a montage,as having been picked by the various judges, and the initial show is not shown,resulting in a missed opportunity,when viewer fever is hot.I had the good fortune to have seen Natalie Stovall, perform at Spinnakers Beach Club here in Panama City Beach,Fl..Naturally when I heard she was going to be on The Voice,I was excited for her,and resolved to watching every show.Working nights , I had to reschedule some jobs,etc,etc, but it was with a smile on my face and joy in my heart,for here was the proof of my belief in her.I dont care for country music too much,but recognize the beauty and soul of her artistry.You know this is kinda like a mini hell for me to refresh that which was buried,I hurt,but even in my pain,its beauty, colors my emotions with the colors of a fairies wing,a rainbow of colors held aloft by soft ,vibrantly beating wings,leaving a stirring wind in the passage. I cry as I dream of yesterday,and days never created.
         Natalie, has been through a the ups and downs of  the industry,and we all know of someone who got soooo close and through no fault of their own,or because someone else was in the right place at the right time ,missed out on their rightful destiny. I firmly believe she will one day be recognized as the artist she is,my pain comes in watching her suffer,through no action of her own. the price she pays for anothers error in judgement. In listening to her, i feel the mystery of who she is,the empathy of my soul for her being,I worry that the strength of her magic,can be weakened not by intention but through the unfortunate mysterious ways of life.
         Her performance on the blind auditions may never be seen,which i believe was so wrong, a few moments she worked so hard for to share with us, it may not seem like much but to put months of work,day after day,to analyze oneself to drive yourself,with fervor,to be honest with yourself and where you could slide along once before,now not only being judged by your peers,but that one you cannot lie to yourself. Damn i am getting pissed with no right i realize, but it was not right. The problem with becoming successful,is simple,too often its stated I have not forgotten how I got here. Really? I think I can safely state, that thats not entirely true,one of the shows I like is Undercover Boss, because for many of them it is a true reawakening of what is real for millions, How many artists do we know that if they were to star over with no prior recognition would make it.Many times it was a song that meshed with its culture,or the help of another artist,or playing with a popular artist.
In my world,she is a star,and has always been one,I only wish for the rest of the world to have the chance to hear her,so they can decide for themselves. Treat her right Blake,and may the force be with you.

The Boardwalk

          Life is like a jack in the box, always something popping up, never knowing what, is the magic in it, and our ability to deal with these things ,help form and shape our inner being ,for better or worse.Was it only last week ,maybe the week before, things were getting a little crazy, not just in personal life, but bills too. It is really wierd for me, a person who never used to even try to pay my bills on time, to actually caring that they are. I guess when it gets to the point where you dont have the resources, and things get shut off, it is a lot different,from having the money to pay them and just putting it off, to pay it next week or month.Yup, i call that fear, hehe,get behind and dont know when  you can pull another rabbit out of the hat, so you try to keep it straight.Hehehe. I am writing as i am in a good mood now, it has not been a bad week,though it has had its moments,for sure, So lets begin this twisting journey,take a few detours,and rock and roll.
         The Boardwalk Beach Resort, is one of the premier resort areas here in Panama City Beach,Fl.,it is also one of the more difficult places for a vendor to get in,due to their high standards.A couple of weeks ago,tthe company that handles their janitorial supplies,Tek supply,was kind enough to recommend me to do some floor work for them. I met with them, gave them a price and honestly speaking, though I had high hopes, I also had low expectations. they called me back and asked for another meeeting stating they had only gotten approval for a one time clean, and asked if i was still interested.Hell Yeah!!!!!!! Like I told them better to be working, then sitting at home worrying about paying the bills, when asked about the price I told them it would stay the same. A lot of companies would have gone up on the price,I figured if I do a good job, they will keep me and if they need other floors done they will continue with my service.
         The day arrives when I am supposed to start and I am feeling strange, waking up I fell a new sensation and it is not pleasant. Trying to figure it out, i mention it to Scotty, and he states, overwhelmed maybe?, hit it right on the nail.It had never happened to me before,hehe, anytime I figure a job was too big, I would just state that it would take till I was done, plus before I would usually have some help, here we are talking 14,000 sq. ft., and using a 15 inch side by side for most of it, though I did have my automatic scrubber for the travatine. Plus no help,and they needed it done by friday morning, 4 nights and quality must come first.
         I had given my nephew, Robert, and Noah, a guy who used to work with me, calls but never got an answer. When Robert called back and said he would help out, it was better then an alka seltzer when you are bloated,hehe. Monday and Tuesday we got the lobby,dining room and front entrance way done,all to my standards and the Boardwalks expectations, they being impressed with the cleanliness not only of the tile but the grout also. They stated that the last 2 times the floors had not come out so well, even though they paid more. Wednesday night,Robert could not work and there was all this travertine left, so i brought down the big scrubber and just looked at the first hallway,thinking I am never gonna get it done.It seemed like it was a mile long, I swear, I am gonna measure it one day.hehehe. I got a late start as I had to do the Piggly Wiggly Express in Fountain first,so after setting up my equipment, it must have been about 10 pm. Everything is set up, Scrubber is charged and I sit down to have a smoke, my mind racing in torment at all that could go wrong, The longer I smoke , the louder the rattles of that snake, self doubt got, until finally tired of the noise in my head, I flung my smoke into the ashtray,and tossing all thoughts aside, just began to begin. The hall was beautiful,smooth sheets of  whitish, smoky grey, squares ,bordering roughhewn  natural stone of the same color, however its beauty lay in its coarsenes, interlaced with open veins,pinholes,and natural gashes ranging in color from a pearl white,to a black soft and translucent as that of a squids defense. Set in between these sheets of coarse stones, centered in the smooth travertine, were sunbursts,costructed of small tiles, measuring up to 3 or 4 ft in size, ranging from a rusty red to a soft turquoise, the colors,demanding, a closer look, at the intricate play of hues,creating a picture often taken for granted, in its entirety as a whole.
        So it began, the unveiling, starting with a small section at the top, laying down a cleanser and cleaning the grime of a couple of years,rinsing it repeatedly to remove the layers trapped not only in the surface but removing the accumulation trapped in the veins and pinholes.Its beauty apparent as it dries to a soft luster,while its sunburst pendants revealed colors,soft yet strong, patinas which prevail on your eyes to search and imbibe of a sensual feast. Here I get lost, no thoughts, simply enjoying the colors unfolding beneath me, the joy in the pleasure of being the first to behold this softly sensual beauty. The sunburst had colors I would never have thought to associate with a sunburst, blues,soft greens, muted orange, a greenish turquoise that entranced me. here the splendor of mother nature crafted with human hands depicted a beauty, singular and original, though each was similar in the general depiction. At 6 am I finished the hallway, looking down, you no longer saw the more reflective sheen created by the dirt and cleansers, in its place was a soft haze, warming you while its sunburst pendants glowed with subtle colors once lost, reflecting the sun.
       Thursday,Robert and I finished up the rest. He was a lot of help and with his dry sense of wit a real pleasure, to work with, Joking and messing around while maintaining a good work ethic, rinsing the floor and moving everything around. Though we both forgot to take pictures before we moved everything, hehe.
        I have to confess that the management from the Boardwalk were really nice to me, while they  wanted their expectations met, they were not hesitant in informing me I did a good job,and  when they had any questions, were not hesitant to ask me directly, instead of being wishy washy.The whole time I was there everyone, was really nice, helpful and made me feel a part of, rather then as a contracter working for them. One lady even made me a cup of coffee, on her own. Gotta love it.
        Saturday night I did a convienet store i had done before, he had planned to remodel the store, unfortunately it took longer then he expected for everything to get approved. He decided to remodel after the summer so I lucked out on that. Then I was gonna do a beauty salon but the owner went to Orlando for the w/e, so that will get done tomorrow. On thursday The Old fashioned Floor Store called me to do a clean up for them,which I looked at today and will do friday. Today i also recieved a call from a doctors office about doing their floor, off a reccomendation from one of the ladies at the Boardwalk,loving it I am.hehehe.
        I wont get paid form the Boardwalk till friday but when I do the bills will all get paid plus some,hehehe.Now if I can only figure out a way to get tickets to the Jazz festival I would be escatic,oh yes oh yes.
        My life, financally,things are looking up, for which I am greatful, but the rest is unraveling. I dont know, well thats not true,what I am gonna do, just thinking of it and doing it are 2 different things.The wife is happy she has her car back, and her freedom. I dont know why she tells me she is gonna do one thing,while we know she is doing something else. Life is funny, sometimes it takes a slap in the face, mine I guess.She told me she was going to play bingo, got herself all dolled up, and then i happened to see her driving her car, with a companion, busted. You know people forget how small this place is,or how people like to gossip.I have to concede it was not easy seeing that, i had been looking in the parking lots for the bowling alleys,well i did twice,then I said stop acting like a fool, so i stopped and  proceeded to drive straight to work. Bam, two lights up there is her car and her friend, that shit tore me up, but what are you to do.I have to do what is right by me,not others, and  I am not gonna do something stupid. Friday, i offered to take her to her favorit reataraunt but she told me she had to help her friend,life can be a bitchhhhhhhhhh. So Saturday,before work I stopped at my brothers, man he can talk,hehe, and after awhile unloaded on him a little and went to work. Felt a little better after that and  when i saw the wife asked her about bingo and she stated she never went,well at least she was honest about that.
       Life, well I love it,things happen, that is just the way it works, but its those precious moments of joy that make it all worthwhile,sometimes I cry,not always in pain, but the beauty that I have discovered in living,the pain of heartbreak exists,but more overpowering is that beauty of falling in love,the love that seeks to explode your world with its joy,here i have cried too.I have been blesssed by the people who compromise my world,for they have given me joy to enrichen my world.
      Last,but not least, I have not started my song but i will, hmmmmmmm, maybe I am getting all this work so I dont torture anyones ears,hehehe, loving it.              

the title for my new song and Pepsi Spring jam

       I guess its time,I am going to write one, it has been years and ughhhh,hope I still can do it, its been a long time since I have wrote poetry or lyrics, but the other night, I made a statement, and it hit so hard,so true and is a core to what I believe I can not help but wonder why it has not been said before or at least to my knowledge. The thing we do for love, are amazing, the fact that we do these things willingly, without even a thought of the cost to ourselves, in the journey of taking care of those we love, is one of the beauties in being human. Sacrifice, done without a thought of it being a sacrifice, the fact that there is a quality in the time spent together, that does not require quantity in the time. Guess it is time to take my Ovation  out and give it a new set of strings, then work on learning how to play again,hehehe.This is gonna hurt,Lordy,the damage to my ears, the impatience of what I once took for granted must start anew, my fingers, Ouch.  Too much work,ughhhhhhh. Well we shall see.
      Went to the Pepsi Spring jam, and that was an eye opener for me, first of all I really did not have the money, 100 bucks, second of all I abhor country music and last but not least, sometimes i get tired of doing things by myself. Of course if I put myself out there more, I probably could find someone to go, maybe. Being true to yourself, being shy, and feeling different from everyone, it is not all its cracked up to be, sometimes I wish I was like everyone else and then I could fit right in with everyone. Enough of the sob story,hehe, all right lets get crackin here, I actually had a great time. First of all I loved the way it was scheduled,Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, the only thing that was not popular with me and others was the 11 pm shut down.Even the groups thought that was too early. I was actually surprised that I knew some of the songs, well bits and pieces, there were about 4 or 5 groups every night, with the headliner for each night finishing the show. Shows during the day were surrounded with warm fragments of wind, heightened with springs colorful sunshine, a reflection of the spirit of the cheerful crowd, basking in the double hitter of music and music that got progressively better as the the cool evening night lowered upon us. It got cold, into the 50s, a moist slithering cold that worked its way from the ground into your shoes and then encompassed your clothes, making you shiver. At least it attempted to,by now, the better groups are coming out, feet are breaking free of the cold earth,sliding, lifting themselves in a celebration of the mass communication of life's celebration, led by the musicians,sparking the crowds loss of inhibition,generating a warmth throughout the crowd defeating the cold. Voices lifted aloud even if hesitant and unsure, humanity sharing its praise, drifting upwards to the universe, a melting pot where human individuals, became more, melted into one. Simply glorious, where the musicians are the priests, the field the temple, and all sharing in the beauty of the moment as one. Defeating Mother Natures attempt to subdue our joy.
      A concert,for me is not only about the music, it is also an experience that is formed by the people ,those of the crowd, and the individuals you share the experience with. Uh oh used the same word twice in one sentence,bad boy, hehe. I can recall concerts of my past,from free concerts where we would all donate some change or a buck, and someone would run out to buy fruit that was shared through out the crowd, to going to concerts in the Boston Commons, with artist like Cyndi Lauper or Stevie Nicks, dead broke just enough money to pay for the mbta, and sitting or lying on the grass outside the  fence with hundreds more just enjoying the moment. While none of us were inside we all shared in the beauty of the moment,and it is those moments we aspire to remember. While we may or may not remember the individual group or person we usually recall the time spent, and when we do recall the musician it is not necessarily why we buy their music in the future but in an effort to recapture the joy of that moment.Ok. For me anyway,hehehe.
     I went in alone all 3 nights and was fortunate in that i spent my time on those nights with  some families from Michigan, who made my nights memorable in the gift of their companionship. The first and third night, I shared with a family whose last name was Bible,one of the few I will never forget,hehe. They also had with them, a friend named Windy and her children. I got a kick out of watching the children play, horsing around and constantly asking their father for this or that. The  wife and her girlfriend were dancing, enjoying themselves while all were still keeping an eye on the kids, the husband ,damn I wish i could remember names, was enjoying the hell out of it hooting,hollering and just having a good old time,while still being attentive to the kids and his wife. On top of that they made feel a part of , taking the time to teach me a little bit about each group, i swear they could have written a chapter on every group, then pointing out the songs the groups were famous for. All this and what i really thought was the greatest thing, you could see the affection, love they had for one another. To be allowed to share in their world, a beautiful time was forever engraven on my mind. I talked at length with their friend Windy, and felt kinda bad that her husband chose not to share the wonder of that time with her, of course here I was speaking from experience and we could empathize with one another a little. The first night we just happened to be sitting close together and because we were one of the few to start dancing early gravitated toward each other just talking, they made my night the 3rd night by telling me they had looked for me , and made it clear that it was ok to join up with them. SO COOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!  See it is the people,that make it what it is,purrrrrrrrrrr. Oh, and their sons birthday was at twelve the last night, I am sure he had a good one, even if he had to insist on it,hehehe, pretty cool dude. Oh, yeah,one of the girls liked to read, I brought my reader to read in between sets, which turned out to be unnecessary, hehe, but I could relate, and thought it was cool.
       The second night, a guy said it looked like i was having fun to which I replied yes, even if i did not care too much for country music, which got us talking,hehe. turned out him and his family were also from Michigan, I now know this is spring break for the kids up there,hehe. We kinda hung out together for awhile,just talking , evidently his father owns a liquor store and they supplied different concerts in his are,we talked about a  concert they did featuring EDM,electronic dance music, and also a biker rally their town had. though we did split up after a little bit, we still were within hailing distance,in addition toward the end of the show they explained they were leaving on Saturday,so were kind enough to give me a couple of wristbands that i could share with a friend or family.
       What else can you ask for, met some good people, was introduced to a different form of country,then I was expecting, and even learned a little more about music.Oh by the way,yes I asked if they had heard of Natalie Stovall,and while the Mr. Bible knew of her, his wife did not,and so i shared her with her,hehe,so the teacher learned from the pupil, sooooo funny. See, amid the drab day to day existence of living, beautiful times like this mark  those moments where life is so damn good.
       On Friday the county finally paid me,my bills are temporarily so screwed up,life i guess. The wife's car did come out of the shop, I feel for her not having the freedom she is accustomed to,however she did have the truck or my van available to her,she simply did not want to use them. So she is happy now she fly again, I miss her, and I knew she would be gone again,I can only wish her the best, and let her fly.Someday,maybe someway, my time will come, until then I will not stand in her way, for what good is something if it comes not freely but only through shackles of the mind. It is not what I would wish, but it is what it is,and to be true to what I believe, fly I say and soar with the stars.      

the death of spring break in panama city beach

       Waaaaaaaaaaaah, spring break died. I witnessed the death of one of my favorite times of the year,last week. First, Spinaker beach club, laid off 80 or more people,and closed on the weekend with 2 weeks left,La Vela ,last w/e was dead and when I called to see who was playing band wise, this week, no answer for no band even in rock arena.It was a truly sad, sad, day, with the kicker being,this w/e I saw more people at walmart, there was even stop and go traffic for the first time all spring break and it looked as if parking lots at hotels and such were finally filling up. Cant believe I am home tonight but after seeing the empty parking lot at La vela and rope across spinnaker lot, I guess that killed my spirit,to a certain degree.The only thing I kept thinking was if they had only stayed open one or two more weeks, they could have recouped some of their losses.I am not even going to get into my thoughts about,the cost of new policies here, with the exception that i thought it was humorous when I read p.c.b. stated they hoped to make up revenues in coming months, what about the people who either could not get a job,due to low bed count, the people who got laid off, the economic disruption and the affect on our populous who have depende on spring breaks revenue. I guess that it is ok,to the big bussiness of bay county and panama city beach,that these people could not generate enough income to pay their bills, got evicted,or could not feed their families. Oh and lets not forget that during this period of new rules that were supposed to help bring more order,they made more felony arrests then last year, if that does not make a statement, what will.
       Pepsi Spring Jam is next weekend, hopefully I will be going, it is like 80 bucks for a 3 day pass, which i am sure will be worth it. It is kinda funny to me, I really dont care that much for country music, with the exception of Natalie Stovall, but what the hell it should be a good time and there has to be somebody that will make me want to dance,hehe.Bettter than sitting around doing nada. So hopefully there will be some videos and a good story to tell.
        Depressing myself, sooooooo, I watched E.T. today,first time since it first came out, what a wonderous trip into the past, I laughed and at the end I cried, it has always been the movie in my opinion that made the human race more open to the possibilty of intervention,between us and an alien species.What a good time,and e.t. simply adorable, loved the way his neck stretched and how it stayed down most of the time he was around the kids to keep from frightening them.
        I got a nice surprise when I went to work on thursday,they found a buffer when doing some cleaning at the Piggly Wiggly Express, where i do the floors, and the owner gave the buffer to me for free, knowing I could not afford to buy it,hehe.Works good too,loving it and his kindness.
         Welllll, I guess that all for now,lot of things I want to talk about but want to be in a better mood hehe,until laterrrr.

love is in the air

        Love is in the air, these words spoken perhaps in innocence, and possibly to let me know, oh the possibilities,limitless, with the exception of the barriers raised in my mind, the inability to, or doubt that they were intended in a manner for which, being only mortal, human, dreamer and fantasizer, I, have to admit , in that second,hit the slipstream where dreams come true, reality fades and the stars are stepping stones for my dance. With all the things going on in my life where others would find,negativity, like a bird of prey, I scour for the slightest movement, of optimism, striking it with  a quickness,lifting it aloft to partake of this morsel, thus ensuring my ability to rise above the petty woes of my world, raptured by the sweet taste of life's joys.
        Do I go to fast, or shall I take no action, resulting in the question, which I have grown to abhor,what if I had just tried?.  Too many questions, too many answers, so much fear,for what if I screw up again. I know in my past that I have,by not taking action when,opportunity presented itself. Life, can be so scary, but the reward for facing that fear, can result in a joy, unmatched by any felt.
        I have to place myself back in the real world, simply to grasp the green grass, and black soil of mother earth,this spinning in my mind, the weakness of my physical self, I have to regain control. I soar, and fear the speed ,and heights, I reach, for the fall is so far...............down, that i could bury myself ,with no way to escape.
        A moment, like the blossoming of a flower, on a short movie,where you keep playing it over to ensure nothing is missed,the smile,the look,playing over and over,while you defensively try to ensure it is all in your mind. while as you watch it unfold,you can not deny the wonder of its blossoming, its affect upon your being. You are lost in its power.

Kroger,Tom Thumb,Easter Sunday

          A day that started like the previous ones, rain falling in sheets,at times a soft mist,almost invisible ,while it crept up against my skin , trickling down, my clothing gaining weight while becoming sodden with moisture,to sheets of rain,almost as a curtain made from water, its density,prohibiting my vision,laughing as I swim in its downfall, a child playing in puddles and soaked in a vertical lake,who watched by others, see a man trying to get out of the rain, while inside myself a child is bubbling in laughter, at the fact he can do this, not get in trouble,while others assume he is brave to face this torrent of water.
          Today was similar to my morning start in the rain,really a strange day with its constant changes. At first I lounged around ,yes being lazy,enjoying the rain,with its excuses,to not do anything,while driven to accomplish things, because I wanted to get something done. So, I went to Home Depot, got a washer and fixed the toilet seat,which the bolt had gone through. Overcoming my lethargy, started by the rain, and resulting in the paragraph above,hehehe.
          After wards went to have dinner at Christines, and upon getting there, dropped off the eggs,fake ones with candy,which Donna had made up[ the night before.Donna was not feeling well so we left upon arrival,returning home.The first Easter I had not spent with my loved ones. It was also to be the first Easter my brother and I would have shared in awhile. Soooooooooooo, after being home a bit, I left early for work, hoping I would catch everyone still there.Ahhhhhhh, the sadness felt inside,when upon arrival, I saw that all had left with the exception of those who resided within.. My heart though weighted with the absence of those gone, a sorrow rent of a special time now unshared, still gave wing to thoughts of those within. As I opened the door and saw a face ,my heart leaped, with the smile and joy,that small face shone upon my heart, when I entered.Not only one , but all faces rebounded with a smile ,their eyes telling the story we all wish to hear, I matter, irregardless of all material things ,the simple fact I was there ,mattered to them.
       How often in my past, have I hidden away, not only in the physical realm, more often and sadly
in that place of emotion and trust, myself unrevealed, simply due to the misconception, enforced by myself and my own misconception of others feelings, and belief in me. Here I am reborn! Within those smiles, and twinkling eyes, I am told, though I am not donned in a wealthy mans clothes, or maybe because I do drive a raggedy van,for whatever reason it may be,unconditionally i am loved here. It is funny, humorous, and frosted with a little sadness, to tell the truth, for the little ones here shower me with love untempered and pure from lifes trials, while the parents of these beautiful ones, know me. Their love freely given, has been tempered,they have seen me at the pinnacle of my life, not knowing what may happen tomorrow, and have also seen me while not at my worst,but in simple humanity, capable of doing or being wrong, imperfect as any man. For me , not to be the best, not to have riches to share, in a position where I can not help others but must instead ask for help, to depend on myself,instead of a position with authority, has truly been a road of enrichment,not for my pockets,hehehe, but in myself, with a lesson in humility, for spice,hehehe.I am so fortunate,for often, I say to myself,if I were to die today, it would be ok. I  dont want to die, but if I did, my life is not one full of grief over yesterdays problems, but a happiness borne of knowing I have loved and been loved,by the best,purrrrrrrrrrr,those closest to me, double purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.hehehe. I MADE A DIFFERENCE,I LOVED AND I HAVE BEEN LOVED,IF I DIE TODAY THE MEMORIESSSSS THAT MADE ME WHO I AM WILL BE CARRIED FORTH IN OTHERS AND THOUGH THERE WILL BE SOME TEARS,LAUGHTER AND LOVE WILL CARRY THE DAY.
         Now , I was only there for a few,but what a sweeeeeeeeeet few,then off to work. Where I remembered that the manager does not like me starting early,ughhhhhh. So upon arrival, I clean up my van, afterwords i go to pull some mats and the manager,told me as there were no customers I could start early,yeahhhhhhhh. Oh , before I forget, the sun came out on the way to work and the rain stopped for the first time in days, no drizzle, nothing,shocked I was when the wipers screeched across the glass with no moisture to quieten the sound. Ok,back to work,while doing the floors,a manager from the Express Lane store told me she had seen all of the Lewis family the day before.Not having heard much of them since the sale of the company, I was happy to hear they were doing well. After wards while working, a guy I know was asking why i don't do the Tom Thumbs anymore, stating they looked terrible and after explaining how the president of Tom Thumb fired me for going to Kroger, and that Kroger did nothing after discovering I had been honest with them, and that Tom Thumb corporate had been trying to pull a quickie on them. He suggested that I use a different name, because their floors really looked bad, but I told him it would not only be unethical, but as soon as they discovered it was me, that would end it anyway.
       I have since given it some thought and now that there is a new CEO, and the fact that former Representative Patronis stated he was wrong in not pursuing the issue when I brought it to his attention,maybe I will give it one more shot. It definitely cant hurt and who knows maybe something good will come of it,so stay tuned,hehehe. You never know, hell as much as I believe in things maybe a wish,or dream can come true, but for now that's a wrap,and hoping your Easter was as sweeet as mine.  

slim whimsical dream

          It is the friday,good friday, at that and here I am sitting at home,just chillin.I was supposed to go see Batman and Robin with my nephews but,the missus is sick and did not get some money I expected so I guess that's out,It has been raining for the last couple of days, due to the hole in my trailer it got soaked, so i patched that up today,temporary,but it should hold,and I am running a fan inside to dry out the floor. I am such a procrastinator. I dont know what is up with my spell checker sometimes it works and then it dont,blahhhhhh.
          Was shopping at Wal-mart to get some honey for Donnas throat,and ran into one of the crew from Spinakers, who told me Gypsy Riot,was playing tonight. Ah, what to do just relaxing and seeing where this goes. I worked at the Bay County Library, last night stripping and scrubbing some floors. It did not take too long,but I inadvertently, left the van doors open, which one of the staff closed for me, sweet.
          Just got done cleaning the kitchen, and have been thinking of making a cake, feeling like some Chocolate,hehe. Have some Swiss Rolls, but they are a little too much something, don't know what, but maybe too rich.Ok. gonna mix up some cake mix and will be right back. Well, well well, that did not work out as planned, no cake mix,but, I did find some brownie mix, so decided to make those ,but, my bag of walnuts went stale,boo hoo hoo, Still, the brownies will be good with some vanilla ice cream and being warm,will definitely be enjoyed, hehehe. You may not always have what you want,but you can always use what you got,hehe. Plus I just made a nice pot of coffee, loving it on a quiet night, along with a good book, tv running in the background, in case of a good movie,not bad if I must say so myself. Yes, things could be better, but hell its not bad.
         Just on a chance, a slim whimsical wisp of a dream, I am going to reveal a secret. Hehehe.  I stopped writing my blog for a number of reasons,only resuming it when someone,recently told me, that she did read some of my stuff and stated she thought my writings were beautiful,actually her words were, I write beautifully. Now , here is a thought, I will admit that she said that after I asked her if she ever read some of my writing, to which she commented she had, making that statement. Oh Yeah, I  was captured, raptured by the thought of her exploring the raptures of my mind, passions and secrets, shared. Being only human, I can only dream that she does partake of this bounty, grown through  my life's experiences,and recently, as she should know, enrichened by her presence. So sweet lady, if you should ever fall across these pages leave me a note.So tempted to put,If you dare at the end of that sentence. Hahaha, I am laughing, for I can not stop being me and believing in the dream, no matter how silly it may seem.
       I just went in the kitchen, brownies are ready, and covered it with shavings of ice cream, sliced thin so warmth of the brownie softened it without it being a mound. All this done with a quickness brought about by fresh thoughts of her. My friend, Debbie would be rolling on the floor if she had any idea, of my state of mind. As a witness to my foolishness in the past, and to the end result, her comments would be ,you should know better,or aren't you a little old for this, always has been the smarter and more logical one. Coffee is greattttttttttttt.
       Oh my, I am gunna appear so much more intelligent now, figured ot how to use the spell check, you have to left click on the word. Oh me ,Oh my, loving it I am, hehehe. You know it may be rather foolish on my part, for sureeeeeeeeee, it si I admit it,smiling, but why should I change, I enjoy being me and as it does not come as a cost to others. why should I stop,purrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Silly, silly boy I be.
Ok, thats a wrap for me gonna watch some tv,drink my coffee and relax. Of course, i finished the brownie, and I am thinking of having another,so sweet it is,loving it, later.

its o.k.

       I feel so much better after last nights post,its 10 am,well close anyway,hehe.Soooo, feels like I got something off my chest,I guess to put it out there, while it may have seemed simple, was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever written.It was enough, so in days to come,there is enough to refresh the memory, without refreshing the pain, too much. they, whoever they are, say that the pain deminishes with the passsage of time. I felt to omit this part of my life, would have been dishonest to say the least,and yet i did not want to cheapen or destroy, the beauty of what had once been. Ever the optimistic romantic, guess I will never learn, but in that trail of my memories, marked by events forgotten, there are so many areas where I find refreshment, feeding from oasis, of beauty and love, that today and somewhere in my tomorrows, as I taste the joys of life,again will I drink from loves cup. Au naturale,hehe, I think thats right, I am one who believes that love occurs naturally, without force,and once gifted it can not be forced but dances it own course,never have I ever felt that love is ownership,rather it allows freedom,for once constrained by rules and behaviour determined by, instead of a desire to,love suffocates. Love, in its truest form, unblemished, puts us at the pinnacle of humanity. Is it not here,that the weakest become super,that trust, honesty, and a natural desire to put another before ones self, where we become defined by nothing more then the joy of that love,destitute,poor,ill formed,all those things,melt in loves rapture and here is the one place we can stand naked with all our faults,for in the presence of anothers love we stand glorified and with no shame, of  just being who we are.
     A common denominator, in all of humanity, is that of a love never spoken,a trail of listness nights, questions forever unanswerred,trails of tears,and the never ending question that can knock right up to deaths door, what if I had just said something, anything to let someone know how I felt. I with my head held down have also weeped into this soft brook of ripples,currents creating gentle whirlpools, where in patches of deep stillness ,reflections of my face showing a touch of sadness, a knowledge that born from the beauty of  a love unspoken, and the sparkle in my eyes that shows the character constructed through that loss that states never again!!!! For, who knows, with the exception of Cupid where his arrow may strike, and what winds of chance will direct its path, since I am but a mortal, I will take the chance,would rather suffer the pain of rejection then lie in tossed sheets beset by the question of what if I had.
     For my wife,who I still think of with care, there is  a feeling of sadness in her denial of what is apparent to all who know her. Not in her actions, but in her inability to fly with the truth of her feelings, I have never owned her,and caging herself, to please others, saddens me,for I would rather see her fly among the stars,unrestrained by lifes gravity, to see that smile and hear her laughter,loud ,and unabashed, though I may cry inside,knowing it comes not from me, the joy of seeing a beautiful bird take wing,well that,that is something we all rejoice in.
      Writing this I am amazed by the flux of emotions that have shaken me from,laughter to tears,its onslaught, like a  rivers current carrying you along fiercely, while soft walls of  green moss protect me from being jarred on its banks. To be human, to feel alive, it is so much better than to just exist, plus, what of the beauty of memories just pass, the exhilartion of yesterdays peaks and yes shallow valleys, for those moments, if there is a price, with a smile I pay the price,for tomorrow holds we know not, but my yesterdays, the strength for those days yet to come.

the quiet loneliness

       What a beautiful day,clouds floating in the the sky.like soft pillows of cotton,while the sun shined with a crispness,warming a soft wind,that softly kisses your skin. A day I am in need of to balance this sense of quiet emptiness,bewildering by its appearance,while within a stop sign sits,keeping me safe,from having to look into the mirror, revealing too many truths, knowing that once I pass, dreams from visions, carried in fragile vessels, will gently crack,and as their fragments fall apart, this child in emotional innocence will once again have to dress in the rainments of a man, picking up the shattered fragments, so in days to come, as I act like a man, the innocent child can put the pieces together, warmed by the beauty,that shines, cracks glistened with that glue of memories unsure, softly glowing with wishes unfullfilled, dreams that were never real, while drips of tears never cried will softly keep them safely afloat, yesterdays travels,shaping todays man,with a quiet inner beauty, for tomorrow he still will retain the belief ,to dream,is to make it possible. Armor I must now don, a shield so I can hide, the ring, which is now but metal, protects me from all, but mainly myself.
      I, who had no problem in being swept away, entering improbable dreams of my own creation, had  no idea, of the quiet loneliness that would replace those dreams,when all was done. Truth, I had no problem  with while I dreamed, and I accept it now, it is that I can feel its mark. Branded, slightly singed, I would not change a moment, for my yesterdays, in their wonder, will carry me through my tomorrows.
      ROAR, I MUST!!!!!! My rebirth, the metamophasis, in quiet has begun. A day,where I surround myself with lifes realities, stock market earlier, where in adverse reaction to my quiet actually did well, the tv rambling through its passes,switching channels only twice, once in weakness to cmtv, foolish in my weakness, believing I would catch a quick glimpse, where I shook off my foolishness, with a quickness so as not to act or feel the fool. I went so far as to look at porn, momentairly, only to feel as if it cheapened something.Lordy, first time in a bit, which actually made me ask myself a question. I believe it is possible that with all going on in my life, maybe I have just been living my life, to maintain its existence.
      The reveal of days past, months,the last couple of years actually, I guess it is time. A skeleton,is all I can reveal, for its flesh, is gone, while I in all honesty, do not wish to look back and see or feel
its touch on my mind. My son, 39 years old, I say this as he is biologically, was released from jail on parole with 10 years still left, Without going into detail we met a few years before he was put in, and all seemed to go well, except for the bitterness he felt toward my step children who are a part of me though not in the flesh. Needing a place to stay, I offered him a place here, over the course of time,our relationship became estranged, which he blamed me for, puzzeled and confused, I attempted to do all that I could ,using the memories of my father to assist me. He first worked with me, and then got a job working concrete,in which he is skilled. Surprisingly, my wife and him seemed to get along well together, previously they had not,arguing occasionally. I am at a loss here, I have never considered myself a great lover, actually I am barely adequate, hehe. I dont know ,but well endowed I am not and quick,but I love foreplay and fooling around, in my defense.Hehe, well at least I am laughing, I have always believed that people can be attracted to someone physically, while loving another, I am one of those who will raise hell if you try to hold my womans hand or put your arm  around her, but fucking, that is no differeent then mutual masterbation. Of course when you tell your partner that, they never believe it, thinking you just want some strange,hehe. Ok, back to the bones, I would come home and they would be talking on our bed, she would give him hugs, shower him with affection,and I would get furious inside,sometimes shaking when talking to him trying to control my temper. You see, I dont know him that well, she keeps saying she is just trying to mother him and he is recieving more affection ,then she gives me. He moves out, and she starts staying out all night,misinforming of where she has been. While all this is going on, with the exception of her son who still lives at home, I am trying to keep the three girls unaware of the situation, which they discover on their own. All hell ,broke loose and it happens Christmas is close, to me the important thing is to keep the grandkids innocent of everything,they run from 14 0n down, and I did not want to see them confused by their grandmothers actions. The wife says she likes him and is trying to help him, I am trying to keep myself under control, maintaining  an illusion of normalcy. The worst of it,for me, was two things, she was so happy when talking to him or being with him, I told her they should move in together, that it was obvious to me she loved him, at least cared more for himi though it killed me to see she was happier, being a romantic,and once i accepted that it is what it is, her denial of her feelings,saddened me..
        Love, is one of those things we dont have any control over, maybe some do, but in conversation with others, and for me, it happens without our permission,hehehe. Now  lets get serious delirously, for love does that.It happens without any regard to our situation,and shows no discrimination in its victims.Single, or in a relationship, a person you could not abide 6 months ago, age, younger older, intelligent,or one of common sense, sometimes one with no sense or they would not be with you,hehehe,a joke but I am feeling better. Love, cupids arrow strikes, with no fanfare, denial, sure it is possible, you feel it keep telling yourself for whatever reason, it is not what it is , while it eats at you, to be in your future, when it becomes that one thing in all your wisdom, you most regret not being true to. There is no substitute, in my world, when two people feel it,problems,well they are endurable, without it material things cant fill its space, it is the most precious gift in my world, and  the denial of its existence, is a denial of being alive.
       I am going to go now, I feel better and tomorrrow is a new day.          

Its too darn cold

    Monday,weekend is gone,stock market down,the weather is freezing,a long lost friend who wrote me off,my bad,found me on facebook and with all that,life is good,hehe,I am never gonna get rich,darn it.I am laughing, wondering where the hell this is gonna end up, I truly have no idea.Small whisps of ideas keep circling around this grey matter,seeking a place to rest,and puff another thought explodes preventing any settlement for a primary thought. I have to keep going back and changing i to I,which is a pain, but politically correct,in the english language,plus it lets me say something without saying anything,while I try to figure out what to say,hehe.
    Market keeps going downnnnnnnnnn.Hehehe,did I mention Natalie Stovall,looked ravishing the other night.She was wearing a tiarra,for her show,and looked like a beautiful,fairy queen in full size,her eyes amaze me with their intensity.Last nights show was actually one of her better ones in my opinion.First ,it was about 46 degrees out,froze my butt off. Awhile back, last year or the year before, I left one of her shows due to the cold,and being silly me, felt guilty about it ever since. Here is this wonderous creature,putting her best foot forward, to entertain,and I whimped out and left,while she stayed and performed. Well, I stayed the course last night, at least for her show,and then for a few more songs from the other band. Gawddddddd, I was wearing leather shoes and my feet were frozen solid, hehehe,oh what a man I am,hahahaha.She was outstanding though,due to the weather there were very few,people in attendance. She thrived on it,I have no idea where here head was at, but when a group is first starting before they become popular and your performance is from the heart,I believe thats where last nights show came from. She even looked at me while she sang, in all honesty she probably looked at everyone there were so few, however for myself, it was the first time I did not feel as if she was avoiding me, since that magical night when we conversed and she said we were gonna dance together.
    Here is a funny,before the show, a member of GTA,came up to me and stated that he had decided to spend a week here and check it out. Upon seeing me he wanted to convey his and the groups thanks, due to the fact that I never hesitate to dance and show my appreciation of the fact they are playing. Sometimes they feel as if I get the party started, which was rather nice of him. We also talked about how a band can play the same song a number of times and it will never be the same twice, which then brought about the topic of the movie August Rush,where everything depicts another note or medly,no two the same. When I dance to the music of a live group it is these subtle differences, which I celebrate along with the fith note, that teasing often unheard note of musical celebration which makes my feet their own master and my body a visual celebration of the musical current flowing through me. It is funny,after hearing Natalie, I have noticed that i have to listen to a mix by tha dj,s before i can get myself back into dancing with another band, and i believe i have figured out the why now,hehehe.It is not because they appear drab after her,though they do ,hehehe,boys will be boys. When Natalie plays, musically,my senses are awakened to a higher sense of sensitivity, my senses retreating their shields,in the forceful true eruption of a playful communication of humanities feelings of life. Afterwards, the music of the dj, serves to balance, a field of music,where i can revert back to normal,attuned with the music per say, a place where I can come back from the the heavens ,touch earth and then when the next group plays,i am content with just going to the clouds, a good place ,while I miss the splendor of having danced with the stars.Now here I am proud,roaring with pleasure,for the words I wrote match so closely what I feel, and just to be a wiseguy,I am seeing Natalie in my mind with her eyes conveying a sensual ,well done,hehehehe.      I guess that came from inside for it was not there when I started that paragraph, lordy hehe, so back we go to pick it up,and no I am not gonna go back and change the I s in that last paragraph it can rest on its laurels as is.Ok., so the sound tech from Natalies band comes over afterwards,and we start talking. He described to me how he got the job, by taking a chance, by not being afraid to make his stand, and I told him, how the fact he got his dream,made my day. I took a chance, in talking to Natalie, and thaen in asking her to dance.While I have put her on a platform musically I have never lost sight of the fact she is a person , no different then anyone else. Therefore,she could with little thought rip me up, in oh so many ways,hehehe. In asking her to dance I set Myself up for rejection, even if unintended, and honestly who likes that, then of course with my mind,oh wellllll,Yes, I would do it again,for with the journey never taken,treasures are never found. I am so crazyyyyyyyyyy, I have never, for reasons unknown to me, ever taken the smart road, especially when it comes to a woman, i creat more problems for myself , simply  put I have never been logical, instead, all logic seems to get washed away, while I sit to the side and watch myself headed for disaster. I am such a fool, and nothing seems to work, maybe This will end my foolish ways.Hahahaha, as i wrote that, my mind is telling me then i would lose who I am and that I would hate to see, so I guess the pain is  apart of my journey.
     Last night when the sound tech and I were talking, he asked if I talked with Natalie and told him,not often. It is not that she does not make herself available publicly, she often makes herself available to the public if they want to talk with herr, and I could go over and I am sure she would talk to me. Strange I am, I want in some way to be special, hehehe, Who am I fooling, not me for sure, I think it has to do with our last conversation, I conveyed myself fairly well, and .At a loss of how to put this,but here goes nothing. She is surrounded by admirers,of all sorts, Even though I do admire her, I would not want to be one who feeds off her, not doing to good at this. People are attracted to her for a myriad of reasons, I from our first conversation just plain enjoy her, even though I know her not.Wierd i am,but I mean it,It is the person she is that I seek to know,and feel for. I do not want to be seen as a fan, or one who simply lusts for her beauty. Nor do i wish to be seen in that light. It is amazing, is it not, that when we let our defenses down, others may see it as normal behaviour, as it would be if I were the norm,hehehe, however if she fails to percieve what i have offered or understood what i was attempting to convey, then, perhaps it would be for the best,that i keep my distance. For in no way would i encroach on her without invitation, as I am sure she has endured enough of that.
      I am amazed at the way my mind wonders about,this is what happens when i have no plans,hehe,well i have to drop off an invoice.I pressure sprayed the sidewalks in front of the library on saturday,and sunday.That was actually fun,the weather was awesome the only thing missing was music, I really need to get a portable radio or an I tunes or something to listen to.I stayed home saturday night chilling, just watching t.v..Breaking news,Apple is releasing new phone , I know, but its offical now.Still no price.Stocks are still on downward swing though.i will conced that last week, was one of the worst I have experienced in awhile,and it is not getting any better,but faith i have,hehe.One of them is at least showing some life,and finally hit the pps I bought at.Yes, I am going out again tonight, last night for Natalie and Triggerproof will be playing,maybe I will post some videos.
       Deborah Buckley,a friend who was a true friend, that I screwed up.It has been years since we last talked,and I recieved a friend request from her,on facebook. If anyone knows me it is this woman,hehe,and she is one of the few to have seen me through all my ups and downs,my roller coaster of a life. Like a rock she was always there until I screwed it up,tried to find her, but never had any luck,now i discovered she lives in Canada,duhhhh.When i tell her of the twists and turns of my life since her dissapearance, I am sure she will have me laughing as she asks if I am ever gonna learn. I cant wait to talk to her and am sure she will be doing well,and on that note, i am gonna leave to get this house cleaned up. It is hell sleeping on the couch and then waking up to a messy kitchen and living room, oh well, my choice,no regret,sorrow yes, but true to what i thought was right.

Piece of me

       It is morning,about 8 a.m.,waiting for the market to open,yawnnn,lordy lordy ,got up at 6 to take wife to work ,which is good but too early for me ,hehehe.Have not posted for a couple ,as I like to do it in private when no one else is around.Really,want to do this but having to push myself,guess i am better at this late at night when my mind is running.
       O.k.,lets start with simple,lift some of this haze,and see what happens,I can do this,actually I am now smiling, with thoughts beginning to come forward, on what will appear here out of the recesses of my sparklin highways of thoughts,and the emotional yet toned down influences of the last couple of days.I have learned one thing,when trying to depict an emotional state of being it is best,to do so while its impact,is fresh.Duhhhhh,appears quite logical,but procasteration,is one of my faults.Hold on have to make a phone call,hehe.
      I am back,the phone call was to one of my suppliers to see if he had franchise rights to a product I use. Another supply company who has generated business for me,asked what kind of chemical I used to clean a floor,and being a little cautious, about handing out my secrets was hesitant to tell them,thinking he will tell someone else.I learned it is a product that he can not order but has bootlegged in the past for someone else,bad boy.At any rate I have decided on what to do and am glad i took the time to research it.
     Oh and just so you know I can not type for a darn and go back to make it more readible for anyone else.Market opens in sec.,so will be right back,hehe.Been kinda rough, for me here lately,account is down 25%,about 500.00,not much to some but a lot to me, and its been crazy cause,i am too heavily invested in one with 25% of my funds in one stock that goes up a little then comes down so i am stuck,more on the down though.Then i had another that shot up for a 100% return and sold it only to watch it go up for a 10 bagger,lordy,these penny stocks are hell, but i am laughing.Oh,well it is what it is and for better or worse, i do have fun with it.
    What else has been going on? Hmmmm,night before,this is one that will tickle my memories in the future.Haha,did I habdle the situation right or wrong,I am sure i will wonder about this one quite a bit.Darn stocks keep falling,hehe.To get back to the subject now,for the first time since i have been going out,i asked someone if they would dance with me,momentous occasion,hehe,at any rate she said she would,in the future,and i was elated,hell I was shocked,so anyway,i asked D.J.Beachhouse to find something very sensual to play for the following night,went home checked event calendar at Spinaker club to discover a band i really like was playing the same night as she was.they do this song by Barry White very well and i decided to wait for them to get there and ask if they would play it so I could dance with her to the song.Now,this was ,two nights ago,went to see Natalie Stovall play night before last,and told d,j,Beachouse,not ot bother playing the music.In trying to get his attention the other night I told his wife it was the first time I asked a woman to dance with me which surprised her.I told her all the other woman I danced with had always come up to me after Isaid no to going on the dance floor due to me being married.I explained that it looked like my marriage was heading south and therefore i ahd always constrained myself from asking anyone until I asked Natalie,so when I told Beachouse not too bother with nusic,she gave me a hug,feeling bad for me. Now, i did not go out last night,though I had intended to go to La Vela,and just got caught up on some sleep.Damn,i am sexy,hehe. Just went to take a leak forgot my glasses,went to pick them up,and looked in the mirror quickly and was pleasantly surprised,by my reflection.Actually,it dont happen that often and no I am not that egotistical,but we all have moments and I guess i just had one,hehe.I, do have the other days also.ughhhhhh,hehe.Back to subject,I swear i cant stop smiling,have i no sense,just checked market and stocks are still down,while i am sitting here with a grin on my face,LORDY.Tonight,i will probably go to La Vela and Spinnaker Beach club,just to chill and get my groove on.Grand Theft Audio or GTA,as they are known is playing tonightand there is aband playing at La Vela, I have not heard yet. There is only one bad thing I have noticed about Natalie Stovall and the Drive,once they play,no matter what band is playing next, I can not dance, or rather I have lost the desire to dance,I have no idea, if it is due,well actually i do know,what the hell,she is so good and i am so enraptured,that anything afterwards is BLAHHhhhhhhhh,hehe.So,I have to stand around,bored,wait for the dj to play some and then I get back in the groove,by the next set I am back to dancing,at a lower key of intensity,but still enjoying myself.Anticipation is making me think,is driving me crazy and no matter what,it will be ok.I can not wait for Sunday,hehe,asking for the dance,you know a thousand things could go wrong,hell,everything might,but just the thought that there is a slim chance it may go my way,is making me so damn high,and you know,it is kinda strange.Can we talk,O.K.,lets put it out there,the ,sorry,but i just have to say this is nuch more then i expected to type,write whatever,then when i started,it is like I have been possessed by some typig demon,hehe.O.K.,we back again,haha.So,I have always felt like there was a connection between her and I,usually she will look at me while she plays,but the other night I felt as if she was rtying not to show me any attention.Now,i will be the first to state,I have that ability to see things that are not there, but, I am mainly writing this to try to bring myself down to earth,cause i be flying high,hehe.Reality check.Soaring like this,slipping into quiet,yet exciting, I cant describe it,sitting here so quietly happy,trying so hard to put myself in check,exuberance of a multitude of emotions bursting like sunsflares in space,and my laughter inside,while i try to act normal. calm myself down,knowing for better or worse this is,she is a piece of me,and that I am so endebted to her for the knowledge that i am still capable of these whirlwind feelings,that show I am still alive,with no desire to stop their erratic course through my being,for I feel ALIVE.The price,that knowledge, that all could be for naught,not that i ask for anything,or even worse maybe to discover that i am just another person with no special thoughts in her mind,that,that really is or would be O.K.,I dont know,know her,anymore then she knows me,,the gift I have obtained,the splender,is in experiencing this musical dance,highlighted with so many different colors,explosions of emotion where musical notes sre formed by small explosions of color,across the unfolding blank page of my life,as each moment gets written,I can see the beauty as it becomes a part of who I am. I thank her for who she is,for the gift she gave,even if unwittingly,for becoming a piece of me.
         After all this,anything else i write will seem kinda dull,i know the word i want to use,but cant think of it,hehe.Sub climatic,or something like that.While i am sitting here typing this<i checked the market and it is worse,but you know what,that is only money,so many have an excess of it,I have little,but truly I believe I am happier,then they are.Which does not mean I dont worry about paying the bills it simply means money is not rated that high in my list.So I guess I probably end up worrying more then those who have their act together,hehe.
        Today I get to go to a bday party for two of my grandkids,that was humorous.First i used have instead of get,changed that because actually they are a gift in my heart and it is actually a joy to watch them grow,and then next using the word grandkids,well it just sounds more ancient then I feel,hehe.And you thought this was easy,haha,naw I am having fun.
       Went to act like a responsible person yesterday,actually this is kinda funny.I had to go to the repair shop to pick up a part no.for Donnas car,that they could not find anywhere but ebay,which meant we had to order it. I am running around trying to find the part at carstores and junyards,while trying to quelll my anxiety about what was going on with the stock market as I usually sit there and watch it like a hawk. I also realize i have to start doing more promotion for work and stop paying so much attention to the market,as it does not pay the bills.So,instead of coming home I,being the man I am,hehe,wentand talked to a few people about getting some work and lo and behold, picked up 1200,00 worth,Which of course made me happy,untill i thought about the fact i should be doing this all the time.Oh well, I am getting better,I hope,hehe.
        Think I am gonna call it quits here,oh oh,gotta brag a sec.hehe.Cleaned the a/c unit the other night,2 or 3 yrs, no filter and it was caked,could not find a filter that would dtay in,at any rate it sparkles,took like two to three hours but it is like new. A friend of mine gave me some professional cleaner,that stuff burns,and I used all my phones battery power,as i forgt to turn off flashlight,hehe,but it runs great,and I found a filter that works. In my defense,when they put in the unit they put it in 180 degrees out so you could not get filter in.Than told a friend about it and he made some suggestions which worked.So everyone is happy, except me,i do not like cold,as skinny as I am,I love the heat.That is it,life is good. It is now 11am,told you I cant type,but still smiling,and my spellcheck does not work either,hehe.        
  

pixels

       Ok,where and how to start.Duhhhhhh,lordy I must be nuts,hehehe. Well, i just watched the movie Pixels,for the first time,well about 2/3 of it and the kid in me loved it,not where she kills the smurf,they are adorable. It was just a good fun movie,at the right time.
       Today was a good day,with a rough patch,but i am smiling now,hehe,i wonder ,will I ever grow up? Sometimes I just dont think so,others want to grow up,conquer the world,become rich and famous. Myself,wellllll, i would not mind a little bit of fame, worldwide, of course,hehehe. Actually i have recieved the accolades that mean most to me,I am loved ,respected,sometimes called crazy, and eccentric by those that share a common denominator with me,love.Family ,friends, my peers,,in my world of people close to me,I am cared for.When i have a problem, I am blessed by the fact there is usually someone who will listen,with a desire to make my world better.
       My day,without making it too detailed. Woke up,took wife to finish her job,came home watched the stock market,sold a few shares,100.00 worth, about 9:30,went to help her finish the job,came home and watched the market till it closed,taking cat naps during.Picked up a check,which enabled me to pay for cigs and get my machine out out of the shop,broke now,hehe,really must have more desire for money,hehe. Visited my brother,man that boy talked my ear off, not normal for him , but it was great just listening.Went to do the floor at the piggly wiggly express,and was dancing as i worked,it had been a wonderful day.Reality check,wife called asking in an accusatory manner if I used her 20 dollar beal coupon,,and I did not,but what an argument,dug the reciept out,showed it to her and we are back to where we were not long ago. Sad,but this too is life.More on that another time. Oh, met the new owner of Southern,where i get supplies,this is going to be interesting I am sure.
      Eyes are twinkling and a smile with a touch of a smirk on my lips,as we leave the duldrums of ensuring my existence,flying to my own Never-never land. Peter pan am I ,with my Tinkerbell secretely inside, flying high,through blue skies,dark clouds,to dance on the light of colored stars,fairy silver,oceanic blue, firey red ,molten orange and teasingly drawing my feet across hungry black stars, thirsting to drink me in,while tinkerbells music keeps me afloat,
      I try,with my lousy memory,to remember when last I felt, so much in a simple,innocent hug.To an observer it would appear nice, but not all that,to be involved in it, a dream that became reality,fantasy unlocked,exotically erotic,sensual,beyond lust, merging turned liquid flowing into another,warmth cocooning inside,and out,lost in a slipstream,riding emersed with no thought of drowning,no struggle,not even of the thought this will end,a gift given with no thought from the other,except in innocence,so natural,so quick that there was no time for resistance,the ability to say no or stop,prevented by that touch, An estacy, that had been dreamed of in thoughts of another,now buried in yesterdays,captured me unwittingly through another, with a simple thought for any who read this. When,a dream, becomes real,when lifes beauty can be shown in such a simple gesture and all is that slipstream ride,only then will I stop feeling sorry for the fact,that irregardless of who you are, you have not experienced the beauty of my slipstream ride.
      Defenseless, afterwards I rush to erect some form of protection,stating I try to keep my distance,so as not to cause any problems, yet admitting i have always felt a connection,throwing up a shield with words of daring,when in all honesty,even in my fear,I wish her to fall off the edge of this world,entering mine.Knowing it will not be,the edge of the moment sharper,finer than a cold wind through an unseen crack.Nothing is lost,when what has been gained is immeasurable,unfathomable,and beautiful. Beyond all description.
      Amazment,keeps rearing,why? Satisfied, If there is to be nothing else,this would be enough.
       

lets do this-time

        Time, a unit or measurement that has been devised by man so we can mark moments of importance to us.Time,those events of emotional change which occur without any regard for time affecting our emotional being,unmeasurable in their spontaneous,unexpected, and overpowering ability to change our outlook on life.Occurances,where time ,as measured by man has no meaning,a shift where  a second becomes a moment,five minutes fly by to fast to comprehend the passage,and
actually defined by the event,time here does not exist in a way that it can be measured by science,the event occuring redefining it by its impact upon who am i am,the shift into this other time measured by changing who i am, reborn in some manner. Small changes,unnoticed by all, to changes noticed by many.
         Emotional i am,with no shame in that. I measure my life not by the the time of the atomic clock.Measurement of my life has been through the slipstrean of the other time ,where time does not exist to be measured by science but the impact of emotion,through an act,or thought.
         Good or bad,its affect is one that changes who i am,its effect,unmeasurable,sometimes life altering,at other times,momentary but always,always,evicting some change in who i am.Rarely is it a moment that can be measured by science,the explosion occuring with swiftness like the sting of a bee, slipping into that undefinable time stream.
         I am smiling,just had to go take a leak,and coming out looked in the mirror, my hair is kinda flying up from laying on the couch and watching tv. Inside of me i feel like there is a big smile painted,as i have experienced one of slipstreams in time.A good one,and i know in all honesty I dont feel like I am as old as science says,yet a photo has also informed i am,hehe. 2:20 am and i am like a kid,with the knowledge I am an adult, an older one, ok i said it. 60,I am ,I wrote that just to see if i could,haha,but be damned if i believe it or act it.
        I looked at the date on my last post and could not believe it has been so long,not that the time just slipped away,or that there has not beem plenty to write about.Honestly, i think i was just scared,
of being honest,because here i dont lie,kinda defeats the purpose when you lie to yourself,of being judged,and also the not liking what i read after i post it.
        When i began this blog,I aint gonna lie I wanted people,I know to read it.Now I sit here and wonder if that was really a good idea, truth can be a bitch,hehe.My truths may not concurr with anothers but its my blog and they can dispute it it but i have the right to state what i believe,hehe.
       Life is beautiful,not always and there have been some really bad things that have happened in my life since i last posted,but there is a beauty in just living life.The bad things well,they just serve to make the ordinary,beautiful,and the the beautiful things, amazing.
       I really should get some sleep, I have to get up at seven and do the socially correct thing of being responsible,hehe.i turn the tv off sometimes to make sure i go to sleep sometimes,and cant believe how that little act makes me feel like an adult,cause i really would rather stay up and watch it ,hehe.
      I,feel so silly,I have yet to have said one thing about why i am writing again and feel like a kid with a secret,that only he knows,the unveiling will be piece by piece,but just as a reminder to myself,hehe,let s seeeeeeeeeeeee.
      Clouds,purple,red,blue and grey,soft winds carress skin,eyes roam the heavens,a smile in evolution,warmth bathing me,as the clouds part,a ray of sunshine on my body just parked,a singular ray all on its own,found me ,warmed me and in that brief moment,time has gone,and the slipstream is
here.
      Anyone else may not understand,but I will,and now i am smiling with laughter in my heart,and in my private moment of sinful arrogance,i say ,not bad, Marino,not bad at all. hehehehehe

THANKSGIVING AND THE METAMORPHOSIS OF A BUTTERFLY

         Its saturday two days after thanksgiving, a quiet day in comparison to the days before. I played a lot of combat arms,slept late, visited my mother, talked to my carol, my first wife about marino and generally did nothing else. I did some thinking ,hehe, but more on that later or some other time.
         Thanksgiving was nice, frantic as usual, but a really good time. donna was cooking all night the night before,cooking a ham, turkey, and stuffing, all tasty with her special touch, she is a feeler not a measurer so its always a little different, always good.pies of every variety, apple,mixed berry, cherry, i cant even think of all of them.since christine was working, rocky had to do the cooking there, deep frying a turkey, and of course there was green bean casserole,corn , cornbread ,vegetables of all types,yams golden brown, topped with marshmallows,all in all a succulent meal not only for the belly but for your eyes.NOW IF ONLY THEY WOULD START HAVING COFFEE, CRAZY, BUT NO COFFEE.hehehehe. express lane is just around the corner though. we got there early, so donna could help rocky out, about 2 pm, and everyone was there around 4 for dinner. ohyeah, this year we brought my mother with us, usually she does thanksgiving with the church but came with us this year,which was enjoyable.
         i dont know why but lately i have become increasingly concerned with her, like she has always been self dependant and all that, but she seems a little frailer, and unnaturally for me find myself concerned about her, not just her health, but i am more worried about her being lonely. that sucks no matter your age.
         a splendid time it was, i did feel more a part of,not reflecting so much on the past when all would come to our house, donna , does not mind cooking but i feel she is burnt out on the big hurrah of yesteryear, and me well i guess i have accepted the fact my input does not carry the weight it used to. donna bought a table for the children to sit at, it used to be used in grammar school , so it was just the right height for them,with the younger ones loving the chairs and the idea they rated their own table,hehehe. donna sat with the kids and they were all content, with grandma being there, attending to them.the rest of us,the adults sprawled through out the living room and the office foyer outside the kitchen. everyone content, good conversation through out, accompanied by, the social media of i pads, computers, and cell phones, hehehe.how did we ever survive without them in the past,hehehe.
         michele and christene got into a little tiff over who could climb the rope on rockys treehouse, which turned into a contest between all the girls,including linda. it was a spectacle in itself,first they were going to wear shoes then changed their minds, going barefoot which had already been suggested but they nayed, until seeing the children doing it that way,hehehe. then they wanted a stop watch used , in case it was close,and they were insistent on it,hehehe.social media does have its place ,because it was hilarious watching all the girls trying to figure out the best way to shimmy up the rope and their efforts were recorded for all to enjoy in the future....michele, complaining about her not having enough upper body strength, christene vehemently insisting she would win and linda scampering up the knots with her toes as if she did it every day,hehehe. it was a lot of fun and will be a memory of this thanksgiving. oh afterwards, they did time the videos to see who won, but i am sure there will be arguments over this,hehehe.
        the pleasant surprise of the evening for me was lindas interaction , usually she seems a little distant, but on this day she was flitting from one to another, with the social grace i had always envisioned her of, even includinG me, which was shocking to me as i have felt she wanted as much distance as possible between us. i am just a messed up individual, and it was nice relaxing afterwards even though i think too much for my own good .
         well not really relaxing donna wanted to go shopping so we did the wal mart black friday shuffle and also hit big lots, i was tired but it was a good tired,and i have no complaints.so with love to all and the appreciation of those who made my day so good thankyou,love you ,marino

Old, young, why not just accept me for me.

  lordy,lordy,guess there is  a first time for everything,hehe, i am trying to do some work on my blog while watching the three little ones,stormy is 12 so she basically takes care of herself, as long as she has her phone,hehe. Rocky is playing c.o. d., which makes me jealous as i would like to be on comat arms, but for some reason their computer wont run it properly. It comes on but the lag is unbelievable,the youngest one she just roams from person to person entertaining herself ,Madison her sister is content as long as you give her attention on demand, in between watching t.v..
     got here around 9 am and it has been a pretty good time, they are repainting little rockys room, so i took out a door frame to put in wall board to replace the door, then me and the girls covered the dimples and nail holes in the rest of the room, with joint compound. messy but fun, rocky was on the computer,watching mine craft videos, and stormy social networking on her phone. now  i am just waiting for the joint compound to dry and retouch it.
     Stormy, made us sandwiches, edible but hilarious, then me and the 2 younger girls went to my van so i could smoke, and while there the girls decided to clean up the van some which was a good idea,procrastinator that i am , knew it needed doing but kept putting it off. so now at least the dash is clean thanks to them.
     Yes,been dying without coffee, just went to express lane grabbed a cup of coffee, and got the little ones some sour candy.it is getting cold out, i hate the cold weather, but guess i will have to deal with it. it is also not easy to type without my smokes but anything is possible, so coping in best possible fashion possible, thinking of having a smoke, typing listenng to the children, ensuring all is good and staying busy,hehe. so now that i have said all this, going to brave the cold and have a smoke,hehehe,brb.
    reminder, when i get back inside this blog is to deal with issue of young and old, in game and life.
Yikes it is the day after thanksgiving and i am just now getting back,oh well, good thing i saved the draft,hehe.
     Young and old ,I am amazed by the number of times i have shocked people when they are told my age. Whether it is in game, where they swear i sound and act like someone in their twenties, or in real life when they are surprised because they find my energy, and the way i interact with others, indicative of someone of younger years,and it does not hurt that i do have a semi youthful appearance. I have been told by others that they are grateful to have met me, simply because i have shown them that life does not stop at my age and that they will treasure my memory in future years, simply because they now believe there is life when you get older.Funny isnt it, well to me anyway. However it has brought me sadness, when i think of those who judge me just on the appearance, of being a member of the older generation. People, cast you into a generic pool , without even making the attempt to discover who you are. Men, assume you know all the answers, when if you have read my blog, know I am searching for answers myself. More experiences I have had then some but not all and many have suffered more, learning more about lifes more unpleasant side. Women, tend to put you in the, he is too old , not taking the time to discover who I am . Now here I will state that women of foreign origin seem not to be as rigid in this way of thinking, more likely to engage a person in conversation and  not hold prejudice due to a mans age. As a society, we are often surprised by the relationships, of the winter,spring type,however in other countries, they are often looked at little prejudice. The funny thing is I enjoy life as much, maybe more then when i was young, appreciating those things that bring me joy, instead of simply accepting them as my due.  This is really an issue for philosophy, and I quite simply  wanted to say something as it has affected me, in some ways. Dancing, I will admit , sometimes i watch the younger ones kinda poke fun at an older persons method of dancing, instead of respecting the fact it may have been an act of courage to subject themselves to the pettiness of youthful ire. I do know life ,the act of being oneself,when leaving yourself open, to the maybe not even intentional, witticisms and mannerisms of a younger age group, is not always easy. I , myself worry about the effect their attitude will have on me, and yet I  do applaud myself for not allowing them to stop me from being myself. Yes, it takes me awhile to work up the courage, get lost in the moment, but I do love me and have denied myself enough things in life, that I will attempt not to lose myself in the progress, label me as i am, but respect me for refusing to be other then I am , for itys cost has been expensive and  I am still not done paying, but thats alright, I smile and all is good,love ya ,marino.

another catch up, when will i learn,hehehe

           A week after i wrote my last post i fully intended to write another about the lack of sex in my life for the last 3 or 4 years. The admission of such ,especially with me being married and living with my wife, tended to make me feel less then, a man, and as if i was some how a failure.That has not changed but if it affects me that much, i felt, though it has taken awhile, it must be said or the denial would should more of a weakness that would also inhibit me from writing my blog, in order not to confront it.Being honest here is not always easy, nor should it be, or this would all be a lie.Hell of a thing to lie to yourself, even if it is in the future, and easier i guess.Sorry, had to make some coffee, do the dishes and turn on the music, OH YEAH SWEET,now my world is all good. I guess i am easily satisfied,hehehe.Back to the subject, maybe what scares me, is it may be my future,i could not have envisioned in my past, a time when i would have accepted or been able to live without the physical attention of another.Not just the physical but also the emotional aspect of loves intimacy. I am all for sex even or especially with someone you love,but there is also even during a fierce bout of activity a look,a soft kiss that conveys the love within, or just the snuggle up afterwards when all is well with the world. I can not say it is all the wifes fault, she is not happy about her appearance,which i have tried to show her is fine with me. I, even though shy, have had advances, hehehee, which I nullified by various ways. My wife even offered to fool around one night after she had had a few drinks for the first time in awhile, now it was only due to her being buzzed, and maybe I was wrong but I told her I would rather wait till she was not quite so buzzed, at least the first time, at which point she passed out.Hehehehe. With other women i have no idea if it is the fear of my dick being too small,hehehe, getting a disease or worst of all falling for her, mistaking sexual happiness for emotional happiness. The intimacy, the emotion, the love shared that is what i miss, what i hunger for that feeling where i look in those eyes, feel her arms,the weight ,her enfolding me and escape from whatever is wrong.Masterbation , serves its purpose,and even if done with another, hehehe, to me is just that.Maybe thats why i do not think it is wrong for a person to be sexual with  another even if in a relationship, but would go to war over someone trying to hold my girls hand. I guess i am just lonely, and when the world , especially yours is disintegrating, or changing it would be nice to have the comfort of your lover in a physical form.I guess thats it, for now, be glad i hate this typing stuff, hehehe, there is so much more i actually have to say about this. But, I apologize , have to put this in for it is going to be brief, the thought is large though.Would i feel as if i was cheating on someone?  Now this is complicated,in some ways, but also simple,so without saying too much, it goes like this,what if i dont because with anyone else it would be a betrayal of  someone. That has been quite simply the case, ,maybe stupid, maybe for all the wrong reasons,but a fact. Of which this would be incomplete in its whole without the mention of. Now I can move on,hehehe, funny how those things of greatest magnitude are the ones that sneak up and slap us in the face,hehehe.
          Time to take the backwards, ugh I hate this, first I have no mind, second i cant remember shit so it is a little more difficult for me then others.
           West Coast Killers, Greatfulded asked again about me joining the clan and this time we worked all the kinks out, ensuring the right e-mail addresses and such were done. We finished all the essentials yesterday and I received notice I would be a member starting today. Humor, is in the fact, a member of X Conz, a clan formed after my original clan dissolved , yesterday asked if I would join them,hahaha. It was a remember when for me, sad in that as i explained to him, for me there would be to much emotional cause and effect, in addition there could be no replacing my former clan. So here is a new beginning for me, in my gaming community.
         Things are a little tense around the house due to a couple we have allowed to stay with us. Originally, it was supposed to be for a couple of days , they have now overstayed their welcome , and unfortunately i had to put my foot down. They have been staying with us for over a month and had been making no effort to better their situation. Saving no money for a place of their own ,failing to contribute to the bills , eating everything ,and showing no social skills what so ever.The wife had been trying to help them and after observing their behavior, I wanted to say something, but she told me to give them a chance, finally they got to the point where even she got frustrated, and I stepped in , now they will be out tomorrow, we did give them  until he gets paid tomorrow so i dont feel guilty about it. Giving someone a hand up, I have no problem with been there,needed that, but to take advantage, and not improve a bad state, lo piss me off. So that will be an improvement in our state also.
        Work, well it has been up and down,same ole, same ole. Got all the bills paid with the exception of  the car insurance, which will be paid next week,hehehe.My biggest problem being  I cant seem to pick up steady work, but it does come in in bits and pieces. Nerve wracking to say the least,hehe. On a brighter note the wife got a job, she will be starting next Monday, and it even has health benefits, for the both of us. The dental is what i cant wait for,hehe. I dont deny there is a feeling of guilt in me, she never had to work before, and honestly, we could probably get by on what i do obtain for work, the reality is its better for us in the long run, myself included. I had just pulled a machine out of the shop took a couple of months, ran it for a couple hours, wham bam, down it goes right in the middle of a job that i was doing for the first time. Back in the shop it goes, how much this time I have no idea, and on top of that the propane buffer i spent 500.00 fixing died and there is no repairing it .Maybe someone is trying to tell me something and i just wont listen, hehehe.
      Dance, hehehe, how can we not talk about it. First I missed the Halloween party at La Vela, as they did it the week before. I had planned to go, even telling Donna that though it cost 10 for admission i was going to both Spinnakers and  La Vela, as i dont spend much on myself, ensuring that Donna gets to go to bingo everyday. It would have been the first time to dance at La velas this year due to finances and not buying a vip pass there this year, ahhh, woe is me. Spinnakers was simply awesome, the people in costume great and the atmosphere was fun. I had a great night the band was superb, finally a good band, and dont you know my leg gave me problems, but still a wonderful night for my memories.
      My physical shape? I feel fat!!! And i am hating it , my leg has been giving me problems, when i dance, my six pack is almost none existent, my chest almost no definition and arms, well they look skinny. I have no choice but to start working out, not so much for muscle, love of the dance. I find myself getting winded too easy,and where i am usually attuned like a spring feel a little listless now.This worries the hell out of me for there is so much joy and passion in it for me.The only problem is the wife is dead set against it, funny huh, but it is one of the few things that i am going to be adamant about. I hate the idea myself, but for love of the dance i am willing to endure it.
      Dr. Gooding, I was paying a bill at the cable company, a few weeks ago and this lady says hi Marino. I turn to say hello, it must have shown on my face I did not recognize her, as she introduced herself as Theresa, Dr. Goodings wife. She asked why I had not been to see Dr. Gooding, who is currently in a rest home. Being myself, I told her that from her attitude toward me previously, i had been afraid she would have me arrested or something. At ant rate we had a nice conversation, shed some tears over the misunderstanding, yes in the middle of the office, and got everything straightened out.Sometimes life does wonderful things. I had been trying to figure which bill to pay and for some reason decided to pay the cable, fate maybe. Dr, Gooding had hired me to do his floor at home and we had gotten to know each other fairly well, and there had been times when faced with a situation or problem, he would be the one I would go to. A father figure, similar to Ron Brown, Brownie as everyone called him. He was a well respected member of the medical field,especially in his field, which was anesthesiology, not only in the civilian world but also the Marines. He also helped found a school of anesthesiology, which was named after him. Since our reconciliation, I have been to visit him , at least every other week. Which for me, is kinda remarkable, but so is he, unfortunately he suffers from dementia, a disease that attacks your mind, and its ability to remember things. I have learned a lot from this situation, they had planned to retire, travel and enjoy life, and everything flipped on them. He had been one of those who liked to stay in shape, was fiercely independet, and helped those he believed in. Now he is taken care of , their finances are no longer lucrative and his wife, resides in a constant state of anxiety. I have decide to try and do my best to help them, this man who fate put in my life, deserves that. I do not know what I can do but started by visiting Rep. Patronis, to see if i could get some help in setting up a non profit thing or something. At any rate, I may not have any idea on what to do but be damned if I am not going to try. I wonder if this is in someway connected with the death of my father, who i loved unconditionally, but still feel as if I could have shown more, there is no doubt, that he knew and felt my love for him, but maybe I do not feel as if i did not do enough for him. I think of him , my father alot, sometimes feeling closer to him in death, then in real world, talking to him in spirit. I believe that if more people knew of Dr. Goodings finances they would be more then willing to help, it is just that most people assumed they were financially solvent, insurance covered it or the veterans affairs, the reality is it costs thousands of dollars every month, that they are running out of finances, and i want to do something. Even though I am broke I can still attempt to do something, for if not, i would have difficulty in living with myself.
      My son, Mike is doing well for himself, bragging on saving money and the fact that he is doing so legally,hehehe. Proud of that, we dont talk much but we are there for each other when needed, what more can you ask for. Marino should be getting out soon, sometime next year, that will be an interesting time, and i am sure it will be full of ups and downs.With mike moving up north, it looks as if Marino will be staying with me, an interesting situation to be sure. I believe I got most of what has been going on and there is always tomorrow if not, for it is time to be gaming, love always ,Marino.

In Love With Love

           Today was gooood. Worked my ass off, what little ass I have, hehehe, I did not make a lot of money but it was definitely better then doing nothing. I did the floor at Emerald Coast Bingo,the deli, and then about 9 did the Little Caesars Pizza in Callaway. Got done about 3 this morning and now, here I am. The money will go toward some bills that are due, or past due, hehehe. Life, you know what as confused and human as I am , this morning I am loving it.
          The title for this post, comes from a remark the wife made in relationship to me, from my being a romantic, my love for the joy i experience from watching a good romance movie, and the silly way I act about that magical emotion that makes life worth living. It is the syrup that sweetens life, topping all problems ,and misfortunes ,with that one recipe that makes all bearable. In my life all hings have been surmountable, as long as even a glimpse of love was in my life.
           I know that this does not hold true for all, but here I am only trying to deal with me. I have had an interesting life and been fortunate in that love has been in my life, in one form or another. I have experienced the beauty of having my love returned,that magical road, where problems, no matter the magnitude,were kept in the perspective they belonged. Less then, the the wonder of two in love. How can you, once its beauty has enriched you, not desire to fill your self with its sweet taste.
         I fell in love with my first wife, in less then an hour, while out with another woman, hehe, and though we divorced later, i still love her, the magic of that time retaining its sweetness, even though we have both gone in separate ways. It has always perplexed me, the way people forget the wonder of that time, when two become one, or in the case of a love that was never returned or unspoken of, how that ethereal feeling becomes tainted with bitterness, or tossed aside. Maybe I am fortunate, for with myself, that beauty remains.         To have felt that wonder, to have your emotions in that highest key, your senses inflamed, secretly, that reaction to their look,the wondrous influx of confusion brought about by the accidental closeness of her to me, Questions of does she know, what is she saying , oh my god, so close,the flush of fever, burning within,the knowledge, unspoken, of promises, the pain, so acute, unbidden, unknowingly exploding throughout my being as reality sets in, watching her slide away like a breath of wind, towards another.
       Love, I have no control, it on a whim of its own, sets its path with disregard for my own feelings, Directing my life as if it were orchestrated by a wise jester. One familiar with me, my fears, strengths and all that makes me who I am. The power of love enticing in its desire, to say the hell with boundaries, compelling me to scream of its power in me. I wish i could write a song, create a poem, cry to transfer this magic, ease it into your life in a way that its beauty would capture your attention. How often, sadly, it is kept within, for I cant make myself not love, deny the ecstasy of loving. To not read a book, to cover a painting, or to not hear a song, does not take away their wonder, it still remains, love hidden, smolders, catching fire at the seemingly least provocation, only to return to that smoldering ember, when soaked by reality.
        Lifes jester loves it when I think all is under control, that I have the power to deny what the most precious thing in my world is, love. Even if it is only in my heart, my being, even when I have tried to box it, and slide it away. Fool, thats how i think of myself, all the reasons for not, all lifes lessons, wiped out ,and the jesters laughter is in my ears. A song on the radio, a sneak attack, why cant I put it away? Because its beauty, is a part of my life, its pain my cross, and without love is life really worth living? love ya Marino