Today was gooood. Worked my ass off, what little ass I have, hehehe, I did not make a lot of money but it was definitely better then doing nothing. I did the floor at Emerald Coast Bingo,the deli, and then about 9 did the Little Caesars Pizza in Callaway. Got done about 3 this morning and now, here I am. The money will go toward some bills that are due, or past due, hehehe. Life, you know what as confused and human as I am , this morning I am loving it.
The title for this post, comes from a remark the wife made in relationship to me, from my being a romantic, my love for the joy i experience from watching a good romance movie, and the silly way I act about that magical emotion that makes life worth living. It is the syrup that sweetens life, topping all problems ,and misfortunes ,with that one recipe that makes all bearable. In my life all hings have been surmountable, as long as even a glimpse of love was in my life.
I know that this does not hold true for all, but here I am only trying to deal with me. I have had an interesting life and been fortunate in that love has been in my life, in one form or another. I have experienced the beauty of having my love returned,that magical road, where problems, no matter the magnitude,were kept in the perspective they belonged. Less then, the the wonder of two in love. How can you, once its beauty has enriched you, not desire to fill your self with its sweet taste.
I fell in love with my first wife, in less then an hour, while out with another woman, hehe, and though we divorced later, i still love her, the magic of that time retaining its sweetness, even though we have both gone in separate ways. It has always perplexed me, the way people forget the wonder of that time, when two become one, or in the case of a love that was never returned or unspoken of, how that ethereal feeling becomes tainted with bitterness, or tossed aside. Maybe I am fortunate, for with myself, that beauty remains. To have felt that wonder, to have your emotions in that highest key, your senses inflamed, secretly, that reaction to their look,the wondrous influx of confusion brought about by the accidental closeness of her to me, Questions of does she know, what is she saying , oh my god, so close,the flush of fever, burning within,the knowledge, unspoken, of promises, the pain, so acute, unbidden, unknowingly exploding throughout my being as reality sets in, watching her slide away like a breath of wind, towards another.
Love, I have no control, it on a whim of its own, sets its path with disregard for my own feelings, Directing my life as if it were orchestrated by a wise jester. One familiar with me, my fears, strengths and all that makes me who I am. The power of love enticing in its desire, to say the hell with boundaries, compelling me to scream of its power in me. I wish i could write a song, create a poem, cry to transfer this magic, ease it into your life in a way that its beauty would capture your attention. How often, sadly, it is kept within, for I cant make myself not love, deny the ecstasy of loving. To not read a book, to cover a painting, or to not hear a song, does not take away their wonder, it still remains, love hidden, smolders, catching fire at the seemingly least provocation, only to return to that smoldering ember, when soaked by reality.
Lifes jester loves it when I think all is under control, that I have the power to deny what the most precious thing in my world is, love. Even if it is only in my heart, my being, even when I have tried to box it, and slide it away. Fool, thats how i think of myself, all the reasons for not, all lifes lessons, wiped out ,and the jesters laughter is in my ears. A song on the radio, a sneak attack, why cant I put it away? Because its beauty, is a part of my life, its pain my cross, and without love is life really worth living? love ya Marino
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