I feel so much better after last nights post,its 10 am,well close anyway,hehe.Soooo, feels like I got something off my chest,I guess to put it out there, while it may have seemed simple, was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever written.It was enough, so in days to come,there is enough to refresh the memory, without refreshing the pain, too much. they, whoever they are, say that the pain deminishes with the passsage of time. I felt to omit this part of my life, would have been dishonest to say the least,and yet i did not want to cheapen or destroy, the beauty of what had once been. Ever the optimistic romantic, guess I will never learn, but in that trail of my memories, marked by events forgotten, there are so many areas where I find refreshment, feeding from oasis, of beauty and love, that today and somewhere in my tomorrows, as I taste the joys of life,again will I drink from loves cup. Au naturale,hehe, I think thats right, I am one who believes that love occurs naturally, without force,and once gifted it can not be forced but dances it own course,never have I ever felt that love is ownership,rather it allows freedom,for once constrained by rules and behaviour determined by, instead of a desire to,love suffocates. Love, in its truest form, unblemished, puts us at the pinnacle of humanity. Is it not here,that the weakest become super,that trust, honesty, and a natural desire to put another before ones self, where we become defined by nothing more then the joy of that love,destitute,poor,ill formed,all those things,melt in loves rapture and here is the one place we can stand naked with all our faults,for in the presence of anothers love we stand glorified and with no shame, of just being who we are.
A common denominator, in all of humanity, is that of a love never spoken,a trail of listness nights, questions forever unanswerred,trails of tears,and the never ending question that can knock right up to deaths door, what if I had just said something, anything to let someone know how I felt. I with my head held down have also weeped into this soft brook of ripples,currents creating gentle whirlpools, where in patches of deep stillness ,reflections of my face showing a touch of sadness, a knowledge that born from the beauty of a love unspoken, and the sparkle in my eyes that shows the character constructed through that loss that states never again!!!! For, who knows, with the exception of Cupid where his arrow may strike, and what winds of chance will direct its path, since I am but a mortal, I will take the chance,would rather suffer the pain of rejection then lie in tossed sheets beset by the question of what if I had.
For my wife,who I still think of with care, there is a feeling of sadness in her denial of what is apparent to all who know her. Not in her actions, but in her inability to fly with the truth of her feelings, I have never owned her,and caging herself, to please others, saddens me,for I would rather see her fly among the stars,unrestrained by lifes gravity, to see that smile and hear her laughter,loud ,and unabashed, though I may cry inside,knowing it comes not from me, the joy of seeing a beautiful bird take wing,well that,that is something we all rejoice in.
Writing this I am amazed by the flux of emotions that have shaken me from,laughter to tears,its onslaught, like a rivers current carrying you along fiercely, while soft walls of green moss protect me from being jarred on its banks. To be human, to feel alive, it is so much better than to just exist, plus, what of the beauty of memories just pass, the exhilartion of yesterdays peaks and yes shallow valleys, for those moments, if there is a price, with a smile I pay the price,for tomorrow holds we know not, but my yesterdays, the strength for those days yet to come.
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