the quiet loneliness

       What a beautiful day,clouds floating in the the sky.like soft pillows of cotton,while the sun shined with a crispness,warming a soft wind,that softly kisses your skin. A day I am in need of to balance this sense of quiet emptiness,bewildering by its appearance,while within a stop sign sits,keeping me safe,from having to look into the mirror, revealing too many truths, knowing that once I pass, dreams from visions, carried in fragile vessels, will gently crack,and as their fragments fall apart, this child in emotional innocence will once again have to dress in the rainments of a man, picking up the shattered fragments, so in days to come, as I act like a man, the innocent child can put the pieces together, warmed by the beauty,that shines, cracks glistened with that glue of memories unsure, softly glowing with wishes unfullfilled, dreams that were never real, while drips of tears never cried will softly keep them safely afloat, yesterdays travels,shaping todays man,with a quiet inner beauty, for tomorrow he still will retain the belief ,to dream,is to make it possible. Armor I must now don, a shield so I can hide, the ring, which is now but metal, protects me from all, but mainly myself.
      I, who had no problem in being swept away, entering improbable dreams of my own creation, had  no idea, of the quiet loneliness that would replace those dreams,when all was done. Truth, I had no problem  with while I dreamed, and I accept it now, it is that I can feel its mark. Branded, slightly singed, I would not change a moment, for my yesterdays, in their wonder, will carry me through my tomorrows.
      ROAR, I MUST!!!!!! My rebirth, the metamophasis, in quiet has begun. A day,where I surround myself with lifes realities, stock market earlier, where in adverse reaction to my quiet actually did well, the tv rambling through its passes,switching channels only twice, once in weakness to cmtv, foolish in my weakness, believing I would catch a quick glimpse, where I shook off my foolishness, with a quickness so as not to act or feel the fool. I went so far as to look at porn, momentairly, only to feel as if it cheapened something.Lordy, first time in a bit, which actually made me ask myself a question. I believe it is possible that with all going on in my life, maybe I have just been living my life, to maintain its existence.
      The reveal of days past, months,the last couple of years actually, I guess it is time. A skeleton,is all I can reveal, for its flesh, is gone, while I in all honesty, do not wish to look back and see or feel
its touch on my mind. My son, 39 years old, I say this as he is biologically, was released from jail on parole with 10 years still left, Without going into detail we met a few years before he was put in, and all seemed to go well, except for the bitterness he felt toward my step children who are a part of me though not in the flesh. Needing a place to stay, I offered him a place here, over the course of time,our relationship became estranged, which he blamed me for, puzzeled and confused, I attempted to do all that I could ,using the memories of my father to assist me. He first worked with me, and then got a job working concrete,in which he is skilled. Surprisingly, my wife and him seemed to get along well together, previously they had not,arguing occasionally. I am at a loss here, I have never considered myself a great lover, actually I am barely adequate, hehe. I dont know ,but well endowed I am not and quick,but I love foreplay and fooling around, in my defense.Hehe, well at least I am laughing, I have always believed that people can be attracted to someone physically, while loving another, I am one of those who will raise hell if you try to hold my womans hand or put your arm  around her, but fucking, that is no differeent then mutual masterbation. Of course when you tell your partner that, they never believe it, thinking you just want some strange,hehe. Ok, back to the bones, I would come home and they would be talking on our bed, she would give him hugs, shower him with affection,and I would get furious inside,sometimes shaking when talking to him trying to control my temper. You see, I dont know him that well, she keeps saying she is just trying to mother him and he is recieving more affection ,then she gives me. He moves out, and she starts staying out all night,misinforming of where she has been. While all this is going on, with the exception of her son who still lives at home, I am trying to keep the three girls unaware of the situation, which they discover on their own. All hell ,broke loose and it happens Christmas is close, to me the important thing is to keep the grandkids innocent of everything,they run from 14 0n down, and I did not want to see them confused by their grandmothers actions. The wife says she likes him and is trying to help him, I am trying to keep myself under control, maintaining  an illusion of normalcy. The worst of it,for me, was two things, she was so happy when talking to him or being with him, I told her they should move in together, that it was obvious to me she loved him, at least cared more for himi though it killed me to see she was happier, being a romantic,and once i accepted that it is what it is, her denial of her feelings,saddened me..
        Love, is one of those things we dont have any control over, maybe some do, but in conversation with others, and for me, it happens without our permission,hehehe. Now  lets get serious delirously, for love does that.It happens without any regard to our situation,and shows no discrimination in its victims.Single, or in a relationship, a person you could not abide 6 months ago, age, younger older, intelligent,or one of common sense, sometimes one with no sense or they would not be with you,hehehe,a joke but I am feeling better. Love, cupids arrow strikes, with no fanfare, denial, sure it is possible, you feel it keep telling yourself for whatever reason, it is not what it is , while it eats at you, to be in your future, when it becomes that one thing in all your wisdom, you most regret not being true to. There is no substitute, in my world, when two people feel it,problems,well they are endurable, without it material things cant fill its space, it is the most precious gift in my world, and  the denial of its existence, is a denial of being alive.
       I am going to go now, I feel better and tomorrrow is a new day.