imagine , a deer,still,lean ,quiet,the black sides of his soft furry nose,gently stirring with his breath ,eyes ,of warm brown piercing in all directions,his body held in a natural tension,imagine his body dancing in quiet step on a frivolous journey,through natural pastures,the nimble dance among the fallen leaves,dropped limbs of trees,and imagine .......flight,heart pounding, feet like lightning,a dark fear commanding ,all directions tried,fear shrinking ,driving heedlessly,safety ,a refuge sought,unknown,hidden,from what,.............imagine ,i am the deer,afraid ,of what?
laying in bed,watching tv,this picture came to me,maybe due to the day i had,i really dont know.I tried to hide from the world at first,got up early, watched the wife go to work,then looked around,went back to bed,.I was in hiding,just did not want to face life, did not want to not like myself,because,wife was working ,not me.i lay there trying to go to sleep and also knew there were things i had to do today,put money in kids accounts,buy supplies,you know live life.Fear, of a day before it began, the fear of waking tomorrow,to judge my actions this day as inadequate,not up to par,another day of failure.So i got up.
Showered, thinking of things to get done,procrastinating,so i did not have to start the day where i had already failed just for feeling this way.Cashed a check, i had been holding,i am learning,hehehe.So proud i bragged a bout it, and you know,the guy who cashed reminded me that for me to think ahead financially was something his boss,never thought i would learn.So,i am going to take a bow here,thank you On to the ank where i was responsible enough to take care of things i might have put off before,thinking it was not that important,but to others it may be..Then to get some supplies,for a job someone offered me due to my skill and work ethics.That little round of events,changed my entire perspective on my day.
Fear,insecurity,doubt ,these things are not easy for me to live with,but i do .Attacks,by these feelings happen all day,there are still good things blossoming with in my world though..As i drive during my little trips i range from one extreme to another.Mad at those who have taught me i have no control,to moments where i realize the simple act of driving my,old beat up van,makes me better off then some,so i am greatly and humbly thankful .
Dependence on others,thats kinda tough for me,i mean we all are dependant on someone to an extant,but here i am referring to my dependency on Rep. Patronis.My father was a really good guy,and one of a few, i could count on ,even when the truth hurt . Ron Browne he died,never disappointing me,and except for those two,anyone else i held in high regard or as my peer,well ,they just showed i was not that important.The reality is they did not ask for me to put them on their pedestals, so it is actually my bad ,my fault for desiring to believe in others. Mr. Patronis,hell, he doesn't even know me.If he checks me out through the Lewis family,Jim or Reed, i have no idea of what they will say,i know what i would like to believe,but thats another thing is it not,my perception. And that i believe is what scares me about Rep. Patronis, as much as i would like to believe i will carry the good fight on,in all actuality, he is like my last straw,lifevest.I feel guilty saying that. Am i using him as my final excuse? How do you convey the importance of a situation to another,making your case ,one of many i am sure. Does it have to come to life or death,to mark its importance,due to an inability to convey through conversation, the crumbling of a cornerstone of whats simply right or wrong? This is what i believe scares the hell out of me,my belief in him to help right a wrong,and my fear that i did not convince him of its importance.I wish to believe ,i hope for right ,and am so scared i screwed up again.Oh,well onwards and upwards,as i said i just figured this out and wanted to record it somewhere for myself.
Back to the real world,hehehe, cant get my damn propane buffer to run,which is driving me bonkers. I tried for 2 hours today,to get it to start ,to no avail,and of course i need it for work.Now i have to dip into my funds to fix it,which is really scary,and then hope its ready in time for the big job.
I haven't heard from Stoney today,why am i not surprised,he asked for me to submit a real bid,which i did,though i told him if he would just tell me what he had to work with,that would do it,financially.What pisses me off though is now i cant change the bid price,to work with him, as it was all done at his request,and he probably thinks it costs too much.Oh, well, a businessman is made,actually being forged would be the right description,hehehehe.
Moved out some furniture today,for which i am grateful. Donnas co worker finally got her own place,Donna was kind enough to help her with the financial aspect,and we moved most of the furniture out of the shed and house.She was fortunate enough to get an apartment,in the the same area as her family so thats pretty good, I do believe we have picked up another stray though,her husband ,boyfriend,has beat on her and she has two little ones,so ,she needs help with restraining order and probably with kids,etc,etc.we shall see.
Well, i am yawning now and it has turned into a fairly good day,things will get better and if not tomorrow sooner or later,for now though enjoy life,as much as you can,feel the love of one for another and i will catch you later,hehehehe
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