ughhhh,i feel like shit,sick as a dog,but i am smiling,just checked with ace hardware and tomorrow is a definite so all good.life is humorous,full of different directions almost every minute of the day,hehe,and out of these directions our lives are formed.was just watching a movie about two people in love,one in service and the other a person in psyche ward.the moral,the guy in service is told that his love is not in her best interest,so as much as he loves her he dosent respond to her letters,finally she says the hell with it and goes straight to his hospital.where he overwhelmed by her,surrenders to the love he feels,happy ending.often in life we make decisions ,based on whats best for someone else,according to our or others thoughts.i am trying to think this through here,say it right.the girl in the movie was schizophrenic,everyone thought his love or their being together was detrimental to her mental health,actually his acceptance of her for who she was,coupled with his love,calmed her down.the actual reverse of everyone elses thoughts,you,in return have to give her credit for believing enough in their love to show him.she goes to the hospital he is in,he wakes up and she is there,that is all she wrote.yup,i am loving it,for more personal reasons.every relationship,and i mean everyone,the woman has always been the one that ties the bind.
outgoing , boisterous,and sometimes too loud,thats my forte,except,this is the funny thing,with women i don't know or women i have developed feelings for.here they have to be the instigators,for here i am scared.lordy,lordy,so strange i be,some of it has to do with my sexual insecurities,never had a one night stand,crazy huh,always had to feel those women out first,not physically,emotionally,see where they are coming from,you know.it sucks being sick,lets get back to issue here,just wanted to bitch,hehehe.the other side of the coin,putting it simply,trust.my mother,ok,i know,let me explain,was a very beautiful woman,modeled for black velvet,etc.in addition,the most manipulative woman i ever met,she could get her men to do almost anything for her,then shut them out.i,hell man,even today,i trust at first,but if you do something,i wont say a thing,i just don't forget.whats even worst,fear,so scared of laying myself out there,i run.shit,without alcohol,and i have not drank i over twenty years,i am even afraid to kiss a girl.now,i am married,but we all know their are opportunities,here i use my marriage as an excuse,hehehe,just dont have the balls.i do respect my wife,i am just being blatantly honest.so aint all this a trip,and with out being arrogant,women tell me i am handsome,so there just aint no telling is there.i am sure you have heard that beautiful women,and handsome men,far from having those exciting lives we hear of,are the loneliest people in the world,if i am handsome,then i fall into the latter category.i realize that dosent say a lot about my marriage,its not that we don't love one another,its two different ways of love.i am a romantic,she hates romance,dont ask,it was not always like that.
life,so full of dreams,so empty of what nurtures me,so close,yet so far away.what a mess,a true quandary,a morass,ever deepening threatening to drown me,i try to use logic,i fight everyday,looking for a positive in every light.the fear does not go away,master of my own destiny,always running,what a joke.i belong to that group,the one who always appears to have things in some kind of control,always keeping themselves hidden.i know,money,financial things dont rule my world, substitutes,that all they are.what sense is there in accomplishing great things monetarily if there is an emotional bankruptcy.like the serpent eating its tail,the circle simply gets smaller, strangling,vicious,not out of a lack of knowledge in prevention of the noose,
the inability of conquering mine own fear.substituting,using all the other successes,small as they may be,to cover mine own singular fear,which truly defines my life today and in my future.i even have discovered that i don't give 110 percent in trying to become more financially successful,its a lack of desire,decreased by hunger of the other,and maybe a desire to fall,which may make me become braver in other ways.what a fucked up way to go,huh.i dont know,only time will tell,and with time anything is possible.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
the secret in their eyes
wow,a first one right after the other,posts that is,monumental day,night,thought i would have been asleep awhile ago.cant believe its 4:30 am,and here i am.a lot goin on,mainly in my mind,and playing those silly games in my head.christine came by earlier to pick up scotman but he was running late,asked her about madisons party and she told me she just forgot to call me and then,hehe,said she thought she called me.so at least i was right about that,i just dont rate,and you know thats ok,at least now its straight and i wont torture myself anymore.i would rather know that someone dosent care,or that i am not that important in their life,then to decieve myself with false feelings,its not wrong to love or care for someone,and they have the right not to care or love in return,its a personal thing.the big upsets emotionally come from people misconstruing each others feelings or desires.in addition i will,hehehe,soon have gas money and can visit the little ones,a bit more.
poor scotty,i unloaded on the poor guy,all the way to christines,he dealt with it and i wanted to give him a hug goodbye,but did not want to embarrass him,and damned if he did not lean over and give me a hug before he got out of the truck.thats the most honest feeling of affection i have had in a long time,and it made me feel a lot better about my life.sometimes it only takes a little demonstration of affection to fill a deep void.oh and saw the wife on skype tonight,that was fun,voice was more realistic too so all good there,just so many questions,shutting down that train of thought.
thought about going to la velas but naw,decided to just go home.cooked up a steak raw,and sauted some fresh white mushrooms,in a butter sauce with garlic and hot sauce.melted in my mouth,then felt guilty cause i did not save max any.watching the end of a vampire movie,where the vampires came out ahead,finally,and proceeded to call it a night and lo and behold,on comes this movie,ok,i was scanning and thought it looked intriguing,the secret in their eyes.
i could write a book on the emotional overture,this movie evoked,but someone already wrote the book for the movie,hehehe.deja vue,all over the place,unlike myself the movie even made sense,it concerns a police officer, Argentina,i believe,anyway it was subtitled,who now retired decides he wants to write a novel about an old case,and the rest,ahh,lies in their eyes.anyways now i have been up all night and done my emotional whirlwind,typing this,thinking that,and trying to stop my mind ,heart and body,so i can sleep.i cant stop thinking about that movie,my life and how life just passes by.ok its 5:30,i am going to go to sleep,hopefully,and will get up before 12,so goodnight,good love and i hope you take the time to see the movie
poor scotty,i unloaded on the poor guy,all the way to christines,he dealt with it and i wanted to give him a hug goodbye,but did not want to embarrass him,and damned if he did not lean over and give me a hug before he got out of the truck.thats the most honest feeling of affection i have had in a long time,and it made me feel a lot better about my life.sometimes it only takes a little demonstration of affection to fill a deep void.oh and saw the wife on skype tonight,that was fun,voice was more realistic too so all good there,just so many questions,shutting down that train of thought.
thought about going to la velas but naw,decided to just go home.cooked up a steak raw,and sauted some fresh white mushrooms,in a butter sauce with garlic and hot sauce.melted in my mouth,then felt guilty cause i did not save max any.watching the end of a vampire movie,where the vampires came out ahead,finally,and proceeded to call it a night and lo and behold,on comes this movie,ok,i was scanning and thought it looked intriguing,the secret in their eyes.
i could write a book on the emotional overture,this movie evoked,but someone already wrote the book for the movie,hehehe.deja vue,all over the place,unlike myself the movie even made sense,it concerns a police officer, Argentina,i believe,anyway it was subtitled,who now retired decides he wants to write a novel about an old case,and the rest,ahh,lies in their eyes.anyways now i have been up all night and done my emotional whirlwind,typing this,thinking that,and trying to stop my mind ,heart and body,so i can sleep.i cant stop thinking about that movie,my life and how life just passes by.ok its 5:30,i am going to go to sleep,hopefully,and will get up before 12,so goodnight,good love and i hope you take the time to see the movie
Thursday, March 8, 2012
the reunion
swirling thoughts of every hue,color my mind, kaleidoscopic of colors,from the depressed black to the shiny silver of a job well done.so much it tangles my mind,colors,emotions,weaving,tightening,loosening,in chaotic timing.one second,a half hour,emotions play with my mind telling me things,while logic keeps raising its head trying to use common sense to balance it all out.its hell being human,and no denial,i would not allow it,the desire to quit,to call an end to this,a surrender to the unfairness of it all,at least in my mind.with death there would be an end to this torture i bring to myself with thoughts,alas i love the beauty of life too much,for here i sit upset,alone,mad about some things,enough to sit here and commit it to eternity,still the beauty of living,pictures of scenes as i drive,the knowledge i will be sure to give someone a reason to smile at me,gives me a desire to go on,even as i stay mad at myself for allowing life's wonders to give me hope for a better day,a fuller life and someday,somewhere,an opportunity to ease this loving ,but deprived heart of mine.
everyone with the exception of myself,stop the pity marino,is going up to boston,for the macleod reunion,i am pissed and hurt.and oh so sadddddddd.not one person made an effort to reach out to me and ask if i would like to go.alienated from them all,a divorce if not in paper through action,from them all.my wife,she knows how rough the money situation has been,i don't burden her with everything it would just make her stress out,yet she has enough knowledge that you would have thought she would have tried for me,i admit my pride is an issue here,yet i feel justified,i asked for help once and was disappointed with the results,i don't ask twice.funny,this is the first week,hurrah,that i am getting into the black financially,bills are getting paid should be able to double mortgage this month and things are definitely on the upswing financially.
was not invited to the birthday party last weekend and thats where it really started,plus when i talked to the wife about it,she was evasive,stating that she did not know anything about Madisons party. separation,its a bitch in itself,this was getting to be like a bad movie,you know,one of those,where you step in the quicksand and you want to believe that green,thin,branch you are pulling yourself up with is gonna be strong enough,wrapping your hands around it,pulling yourself out,while in your mind you are praying the roots aren't going too come out from your weight.displacement,a withdrawal of,logic telling you of your insignificance in their life,telling you that its because they are adults on their own now, emotional wreckage from the feeling of not being cared for.life goes on,you cannot make something it is not,and to modify it through an attempt,is to make a lie of what i seek.
yesterday was simply a great day,i picked up check,nice one,that i busted my butt for,and got wife's money in bank,her cigs off,and paid liability.today i took care of the rest of the bills i had cash for and was responsible enough not to,repeat not to go to walmart.after last weeks episode i learned my lesson,however after checking everything out i might,ok,no lying i will go to walmart tonite.express lane,had their semi annual inspection on the beach stores today,and i think i did myself proud,actually i know i did.one of the managers,garmin,xl 1,had a rough week,his mother passed away and then the funeral was the day before the inspection,unfortunately for him his help failed him,so,on his return he walked into a mess.the d.m. told me he had removed some carpet strips,from the store and i went back to buff it out for garmin,poor guy was having a rough day so ended up staying till about 10:30 or 11:00.24 hour day,first in awhile,but it felt good,especially helping garmin,the look on his face when i told him there was no charge,he was a good guy,made it all worthwhile,sometimes people just need to know someone cares.
work was an experience this week,my buffer died last week and it is still down.hopefully the parts will come in tomorrow,if not i proved to myself i can still use my stripping buffer,did that all week,and though at first i was upset,i remembered when that was all i had earlier this year,taking 4 hours to do a store,if not longer,so i just got grateful my high speed was working and got to it.bristol,ah that was a trip to hell,tar had permeated the the tile so not only did i have to strip the wax,then had to grind the tile,to get it white.i still think i have to make the white a little brighter but all in time,that will take new pads,and at 25 bucks a shot will have to wait till next time i scrub.tomorrow i have to call ace in mexico beach and confirm work on sunday,hopefully all goes well,loving the money.i am going to start,i know its hard to believe,sales,finally enough money for gas,cant go to crazy but it will definitely be an upturn of events,and yes i am proud of myself.not to be getting too far ahead of myself but week after that,i wont have to worry about gas,too much.i was so mortified last week,after my little put in check,by the electric co,having to borrow gas twice in one week,well little leery,about spending money this week
my blog served its purpose,i got to vent,and i feel ohhhhhhhhh,so much better,i am going to walmart,hehehe.you know sometimes i look at the stats on my blog and have to admit disappointment rears,then i am grateful that i don't have to worry about anyone reading it,allowing me to just be me,crazy,huh.thankful i am if,for those that do read,and i wish you the light of love,for with it all things are possible.
Friday, March 2, 2012
my week
its been a bit,just stuff going on and being LAZY,heehe.now where should i start,well,this has been on my mind so lets start here.toucans,the bar in mexico beach,had me do their floor again,even allowing me to skip scrubbing behind bar and paying same price,that says something in itself.anyway,the owners son came in and i caught him taking beer out of the bar,stuffing them in his pants,duhhh,so called night manager in room ,told him about it and he called the owners son back.i don't know why but i have to admit,i was so hot about the kid stealing from his family i was ready to take him apart if he lied about it,instead he saw me watching and just said something like he said that,and then left without looking at me as he went.it was weird that i got so fired up about it,i was ready to take him down hard and could not figure out why.later,the only thing i could figure is that i lost a contract once before from a girl stealing from her parents and it must have just been like deja vue,plus someone could lose their job because of inventory problems stemming from this.but i guess all good.then i did a couple of other jobs for a guy and he is constantly praising my work and trying to get cheaper price,so finally i just told him pay up or not,i was taking less,and if he did not pay i would not do any more work for him,he paid and hopefully that put an end to that b/s,we will see.express lane work went well,and had an interesting conversation with the operations manager,where i told him,that every week i felt i would find a note stating my services were no longer required,he said that as i had been there for so long before he started and was still there,i would really have to screw up to lose contract.i reminded him he told me i would get some stores which did not happen and that i was just letting him know how i felt,which made me feel better,anyways.
then we have today,well it started yesterday,hahaha,i picked up my check from xlane,and operations manager asked me to fix some tiles in eastpoint store so i agreed,could use the cash you know.cash my check paid bills and felt i was on a roll since i still had 200 left over,went to walmart,and splurged,hehehe,been awhile since i personally had any cash.i spent like 53 dollars on food and yes i bought some tank shirts and socks,i know but thought i deserved it,hehehe.so get home eat dinner fell asleep early and woke up about 5,i had to go to home depot to pick up supplies for the job so started cleaning my desk up,OH NO,found electric bill for 170 and disconnect date was feb 27,couple of days ago,lordy,lordy,when i mess up i do it right,hahaha.so now i am freaked out,called electric company and because disconnect was in field too late to change.grabbed my change out of candy dish,went to store next door and borrowed 50 in gas.then went to wally world and used coinstar,which for the first time broke down,hehehe.you gotta laugh,so they fix machine,thank god the lady was nice and it was quiet in the store,somebody must have been looking out for me,then i go to home depot and the tile i need is one of the few you can buy by the piece as i did not have enough for a whole case,at least not now.so get the 20 pieces buy the glue and totals about 25 bucks,ok we are on a roll now drive to gulf power and read my e reader while i wait for it to open.first in line,soooo unusual for me,hehehe,so i pay the bill and ask if power was still on,she said all good,i had left a note on box,asking power people to give me till 8:30 when office opened,so all is good and i am happy,happy,happy.run to eastpoint do the job and come back,got paid less then i expected but electric is on and got 50 dollars left.
crashed on the couch for a couple then kenny who used to work with me,called to remind me his niece was competing at tootsies in pier park,i had previously told him i would go so off i went.i got lost in that place and could not find tootsies,eventually i found it and it was pretty good,especially considering it was country music place,his niece ended up getting 2nd place and it was a pretty good time,and yup did dance a little bit.then i went to walmart spent 8 dollars on baking stuff,and came home about 10:00.cooked some spaghetti,made some chocolate chip cookies,and chilled.watched a great comedy show,all star comedy jamit was hilarious,laughed my butt off,what little i have,hehehe.then,would you believe the oven would not shut off,i know,sounds crazy,but it wouldn't,finally just flipped the breaker and will deal with that tomorrow,hahaha.it was crazy,good week,worked thru some fears,stood up for myself and just kept on going,and finished it with a smile,so you know not bad,will deal with finances and all as they come up.you know as i was taking a bath,now,now,behave,i was reading and chilling and thought of things i still want to accomplish,diving,driving on a race course,cross country on a bike,play the stock market and become rich,hahahaha.all i know is that i enjoy being alive,and broke i may be but filled with a desire to live life and proud of myself i am.on that note i said adieu and am going to try to get some sleep,love to all and everyone,goodnight.
then we have today,well it started yesterday,hahaha,i picked up my check from xlane,and operations manager asked me to fix some tiles in eastpoint store so i agreed,could use the cash you know.cash my check paid bills and felt i was on a roll since i still had 200 left over,went to walmart,and splurged,hehehe,been awhile since i personally had any cash.i spent like 53 dollars on food and yes i bought some tank shirts and socks,i know but thought i deserved it,hehehe.so get home eat dinner fell asleep early and woke up about 5,i had to go to home depot to pick up supplies for the job so started cleaning my desk up,OH NO,found electric bill for 170 and disconnect date was feb 27,couple of days ago,lordy,lordy,when i mess up i do it right,hahaha.so now i am freaked out,called electric company and because disconnect was in field too late to change.grabbed my change out of candy dish,went to store next door and borrowed 50 in gas.then went to wally world and used coinstar,which for the first time broke down,hehehe.you gotta laugh,so they fix machine,thank god the lady was nice and it was quiet in the store,somebody must have been looking out for me,then i go to home depot and the tile i need is one of the few you can buy by the piece as i did not have enough for a whole case,at least not now.so get the 20 pieces buy the glue and totals about 25 bucks,ok we are on a roll now drive to gulf power and read my e reader while i wait for it to open.first in line,soooo unusual for me,hehehe,so i pay the bill and ask if power was still on,she said all good,i had left a note on box,asking power people to give me till 8:30 when office opened,so all is good and i am happy,happy,happy.run to eastpoint do the job and come back,got paid less then i expected but electric is on and got 50 dollars left.
crashed on the couch for a couple then kenny who used to work with me,called to remind me his niece was competing at tootsies in pier park,i had previously told him i would go so off i went.i got lost in that place and could not find tootsies,eventually i found it and it was pretty good,especially considering it was country music place,his niece ended up getting 2nd place and it was a pretty good time,and yup did dance a little bit.then i went to walmart spent 8 dollars on baking stuff,and came home about 10:00.cooked some spaghetti,made some chocolate chip cookies,and chilled.watched a great comedy show,all star comedy jamit was hilarious,laughed my butt off,what little i have,hehehe.then,would you believe the oven would not shut off,i know,sounds crazy,but it wouldn't,finally just flipped the breaker and will deal with that tomorrow,hahaha.it was crazy,good week,worked thru some fears,stood up for myself and just kept on going,and finished it with a smile,so you know not bad,will deal with finances and all as they come up.you know as i was taking a bath,now,now,behave,i was reading and chilling and thought of things i still want to accomplish,diving,driving on a race course,cross country on a bike,play the stock market and become rich,hahahaha.all i know is that i enjoy being alive,and broke i may be but filled with a desire to live life and proud of myself i am.on that note i said adieu and am going to try to get some sleep,love to all and everyone,goodnight.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
passion
life,without passion is nothing more then existence,similar to the hood made in a production line of an auto factory,just there,one of countless others,all the same.good or bad,it is what composes our most cherished or fervent memories,depicts who and what we are.our souls,the core of us,is lit by the corollas of our passions,colored by the tempest of our feelings,vivid from the darkest black of hate to the soft, luminescent white of love,with all the colors in between.the passion of living,being alive,experiencing life in all its glory,its pitfalls,deep morasses of seemingly endless depths of despair,the thrills of soaring above all when love strikes with unabated fury,tearing at your existence with a rainbow of feelings.ah,yes,to others,whose passions are stirred by the more materialistic things,i do not lessen the depth of your passion,or even disagree with the reason,it is still passion.
to soar with the eagles,unashamedly i concede,that which rocks my world is love.that thing that makes my journey in life a trip worth making,the fears,uncertainty,the glow,the myriad experiences that i am incapable of describing for it runs in a river of emotions,colored by the suns rays ,a prism of emotions,with whirlpools along the journey tempting to moods of despair,or hopelessness,then slinging you into the mist of vapor ,a kaleidoscopic of beautiful colors,sparkling with truth and hope.the moment where you stand naked before someone,fully dressed,unashamedly,quivering with fear,stating,i love you,the first time,here we stand ,unprotected,offering our self,defenseless and at anothers mercy,this is the height of my passion,the Everest and sky scraper from which i leap with no parachute.
even now,i find myself questioning my thoughts,as i write,am i wrong to feel this way,is it not better to develop more passion in the things the world depicts as an indication of success.money,the trappings of fame ,fortune,a lifestyle of the jet set.in order to achieve the capability of being honest with myself,i must bow my head in humility and say that all those things mean little to me,in my pursuit of self happiness.watch me,raising my head,look into the my eyes,let the fervor and passion exploding from them,tell the truth of who i am,lover of love,being loved,my passion expresses it self with no ability to hide it.i have tried,throughout my life,to deceive myself into believing it,love,is not as important,to replace it with things of a more material bent,but and here i state,with a touch of sadness,for myself it just does not work.my sadness comes of knowing this i can not buy,or accept in falsehood,for love,batters at you with its honesty,allowing no lie in its purity,and harboring with in,springs forth when least expected,its truth undeniable and scathing in its fierceness.
passion for the other facets in my life,work,those things i do in relaxation,joy of the arts,living in itself,i acknowledge.i do not deny the importance,their place in my life,the beauty,or despairity that these have brought into my life.who among us does not recall the joy of a job well done,the passion that erupts from within thru the introduction of man kinds artistic work,art,music,perhaps a book or poetry.that feeling of inadequacy,the high from overcoming and surmounting it,through our own force.life without these,pales,less full,and maybe hollow.passionate in these facets of our lives,like the lights and decorations on a christmas tree,without the tree,still pretty,but not shown in their best light.living,its own passions,seem empty without love.friends,acquaintances,even strangers,we share the daily bounty of our lives,passion that we experienced in the conquest of the day.a filter of people,we strain our life through,while without admission,we search for the pearl.
success,at life,knowing we have not failed,even to be at the pinnacle of it all,the one failure that can destroy us,the question most asked,what if?in life's journey so often we ask ourselves this and ponder on the consequences,dealing with the fact that maybe i should have and move on.what if,kills,in love.the answers we conceive,stay with us,questioning all of the rest of our existence,never failing in its honesty,or obstinacy,to hit us when least expected.the one question,showing our own failure,lack of strength,and belief in self ,the question that chips away our own self portrait,with honest candor,unabashedly not even with our permission.passion,humility,honesty and pain even here we dwell in maybe the big lie,what if,question,do we dare?the fear,is it not safer,not to face the rejection,the question,what if,how often can you deal with its honesty.the question,your life,the unasked,its passion forever coloring your life.
to soar with the eagles,unashamedly i concede,that which rocks my world is love.that thing that makes my journey in life a trip worth making,the fears,uncertainty,the glow,the myriad experiences that i am incapable of describing for it runs in a river of emotions,colored by the suns rays ,a prism of emotions,with whirlpools along the journey tempting to moods of despair,or hopelessness,then slinging you into the mist of vapor ,a kaleidoscopic of beautiful colors,sparkling with truth and hope.the moment where you stand naked before someone,fully dressed,unashamedly,quivering with fear,stating,i love you,the first time,here we stand ,unprotected,offering our self,defenseless and at anothers mercy,this is the height of my passion,the Everest and sky scraper from which i leap with no parachute.
even now,i find myself questioning my thoughts,as i write,am i wrong to feel this way,is it not better to develop more passion in the things the world depicts as an indication of success.money,the trappings of fame ,fortune,a lifestyle of the jet set.in order to achieve the capability of being honest with myself,i must bow my head in humility and say that all those things mean little to me,in my pursuit of self happiness.watch me,raising my head,look into the my eyes,let the fervor and passion exploding from them,tell the truth of who i am,lover of love,being loved,my passion expresses it self with no ability to hide it.i have tried,throughout my life,to deceive myself into believing it,love,is not as important,to replace it with things of a more material bent,but and here i state,with a touch of sadness,for myself it just does not work.my sadness comes of knowing this i can not buy,or accept in falsehood,for love,batters at you with its honesty,allowing no lie in its purity,and harboring with in,springs forth when least expected,its truth undeniable and scathing in its fierceness.
passion for the other facets in my life,work,those things i do in relaxation,joy of the arts,living in itself,i acknowledge.i do not deny the importance,their place in my life,the beauty,or despairity that these have brought into my life.who among us does not recall the joy of a job well done,the passion that erupts from within thru the introduction of man kinds artistic work,art,music,perhaps a book or poetry.that feeling of inadequacy,the high from overcoming and surmounting it,through our own force.life without these,pales,less full,and maybe hollow.passionate in these facets of our lives,like the lights and decorations on a christmas tree,without the tree,still pretty,but not shown in their best light.living,its own passions,seem empty without love.friends,acquaintances,even strangers,we share the daily bounty of our lives,passion that we experienced in the conquest of the day.a filter of people,we strain our life through,while without admission,we search for the pearl.
success,at life,knowing we have not failed,even to be at the pinnacle of it all,the one failure that can destroy us,the question most asked,what if?in life's journey so often we ask ourselves this and ponder on the consequences,dealing with the fact that maybe i should have and move on.what if,kills,in love.the answers we conceive,stay with us,questioning all of the rest of our existence,never failing in its honesty,or obstinacy,to hit us when least expected.the one question,showing our own failure,lack of strength,and belief in self ,the question that chips away our own self portrait,with honest candor,unabashedly not even with our permission.passion,humility,honesty and pain even here we dwell in maybe the big lie,what if,question,do we dare?the fear,is it not safer,not to face the rejection,the question,what if,how often can you deal with its honesty.the question,your life,the unasked,its passion forever coloring your life.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
saturday
saturday,such a sweet day,love the w/e,time to think,relax and plain out just enjoy being alive.not a lot going on,paid some bills,spent 40 or 50 bucks at Walmart.grocery shopping and got some flowers for the house.one thing about Walmart is its like a great big social,ran into a couple of people i haven't seen in awhile,was good chatting about whats been going on and actually just feeling a part of the human race.if you have been reading my blog,you will have noticed i get a little lonesome occasionally,but its been a good day today.today has been pretty good though,stayed up too late reading and watching t.v.,but felt pretty good after i actually started my day.scotman and i have been going through some sweets though,already ate all the sugar cookies and brownies,so i am baking a cake,hope it lasts through the week,hehehe.
Toucans,a club in mexico beach called me today about doing their floors,and hooked up with a convience store earlier this week so all in all a good week as far as getting more work.i am gonna try to get the contract for some hair salons,the floors have been looking good until the last month or so,and with spring break around the corner i am hoping they want the floors to look their best.it wont hurt to try anyway,who knows maybe its my turn.
i had hoped to go to spinnakers last night,it was their grand opening for the season,but with finances being the way they are,i had to blow it off,there is always some other time,got my whole life ahead,the power of positive thinking,hehehe.i probably will go to la velas tonight,i am not sure.being realistic about it,was thinking earlier about the reason i want to go,i know i enjoy the atmosphere,everybody having a good time and i admit i enjoy it when i do work up the courage to do my little dancing thing.honest truth of it is i just enjoy it all i guess,and even though i do want the companionship of people,the fear of women i have,yes its true they make me nervous they do,keeps me a little stand offish from them all.but i still enjoy it even if i don't stay long,not as young as i used to be,besides i don't want to wake up to late tomorrow,love having a couple of hours before hitting the road to work.
My wife, received her valentine card the day before valentines,but it was all good as she was broke and i had sent her 25 bucks,not much,but made her day,so that was a good thing.too many questions about us,and not sure of anything,i suppose time will tell and until then,it will be what it is.scotty told me today he was going up for the family reunion,riding with his sister,kinda feel displaced but have to work as much as i would like to go and thats the name of that tune.further and further away,i feel,as far as being a part of this family.i would go visit more,but really cant afford the gas,sounds crazy,huh,but i get tired of having to go to the store next door to bum gas and smokes.there is a light shining though,i should be all caught up in a couple of weeks,had a major setback to the tune of 600 dollars,due to ice cream,which made me want to scream,but i figured this was just a test,to see if i would give up and that's not happening.good thing about the extra work is it will help me catch back up,plus the wife's bday is coming up,and i know i would be upset with myself if i could not bring a little surprise for her.
i had left some books for linda,over at christines house,but she told christine she had already read them.she dose not have much money and thought she might enjoy them,as they are fairly expensive,to me anyways.the quandary here is i don't know if she really has read them or just wants to increase the space between us,then of course there is also the fact that i think too much.ever have the feeling that you screw up those things that mean a lot to you and not only do you not know how,but even worse its unfix able.seems that i have a history of doing that,with those things that mean the most to me,then discover the reason i screwed something up too late or that iit was the price of being myself.i dont know all the answers,i do know i very seldom intentionally hurt others,especially emotionally,and do try to big good to people,not acxcording to my conception,but in a manner they would recognize,at least to me and maybe thats where i screw up.i love so much and its ok,maybe someday it will be my turn to feel loved,or maybe i just need to recognize i am loved.i love making others smile,bringing sunshine where there is shadow,and showering others with love,as it helps me in dealing with the solitary path i feel i lead.
oh,yeah,cake is cool enough to frost,so i am going to go for it,eat your heart out,hehehe.buttery white cake with chocolate frosting,um um good,i wish you a pleasant night,and may the breath of my love touch you in way that's good for you,later,me.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
56
this is my third attempt on this post,keep typing and it jumps into the middle of a sentence,ugh,frustrating.the work week went well,had a good time and enjoyed the social aspect of it.i have to figure out a way to intermingle with new people and faces,besides the internet.i am driving myself nuts,one moment i am trying to be proud and self sustaining in my isolated world,the next moment hungry for interaction of others.love,the one thing i cherish the most,also the one thing i believe you can not force from anyone,the gift that must be given of its own free will.my marriage,i dont know,is it one with no base,feeling estranged from my wife,and wondering if i am just a fool.one of the dangers of love is that when you love as i do,unconditionally,you are setting yourself up for pain,as you sometimes don't see the reality of a situation,and as we all know love is blind,hehehe.this morning i got on my f/b and received a pleasant blast from the past,my combat arms game friend,lily came on and we chatted for about an hour.it was so nice just to talk with her about the different things going on in my life ,with someone who showed an interest.since we only know each other from the game we can just be straight up,and tell how we feel about things.the internet,that place where we can be anyone we choose,and including our self,because the odds of meeting are slim,so we can just put ourself out there and if you don't like it,well,too bad,i don't see you every day,so there.actually,the people i meet there are important to me,and i wish i could meet them,but that's life.
56,it dosent scare me and i don't feel as if i act that age,but limitations,they come with it,unfortunately.not mine,the ones imposed by everyone else,the ones society and even the individual people impose,either through a mindset conceived by society or our own prejudices.yes,honestly i belong to the latter set,just now beginning to break free,yet i know i hold on to some myself.so many different ways of looking at things, prejudices to be broken down,no understanding of where my life will lead me,or in what direction i am going.fear,that i admit,the worst thing i can imagine,being an emotional person,is to have a life with out love,god that scares me,it would make me feel as if my life,my life in the future,would be void,empty.i wonder if i don't recognize,what i have now,if i am deceiving myself in search of,what i don't know.confidence,i don't know,i believe i believe in myself,but question myself to the point i drive myself crazy,a vicious circle,but i am no superman and this last year has taken something,maybe everything from me.balance,once a thing of graceful ease,i now feel shaky,perched over an abyss,shaky,but surprisingly without too much fear,mainly just doubt of what step to take.one of the benefits of youth,is the knowledge you still have time if you screw up,i believe i still have at least a quarter of a century left in me,i just want to make them the best part of my life.i have no problems with my past its been rocky but good,i just want my future to be as full,not monetarily,though i would not mind hitting the lottery,but emotionally,for if you are secure in love,everything else is manageable,without it meaningless.yes,i know to many others this seems so foolish,but life is about choices,and this is mine.how often do we hear of people and couples overcoming all obstacles,because of love,and how often do we hear of those successful people,the ones that have it all,ending their lives,out of the lack of love.
success,i guess that defines many of us,but success at what ,this is often the quest that comes with meaning later.money,i think is the least of it,sure i want to pay my bills and stuff,but what good are the things money can give without someone to share it with.loneliness,i guess its all relevant to your emotional being,i am a a person who loves people,the joy of being in love and of course,being loved.i have known the joys,the times in between and the reality of unsureity.the knowledge i am worthy of love,the belief in myself as a fairly good man,and my appreciation of being loved,say yes.the humble side,states it may not be,but i am grateful for what my life has given me.like Icarus,i yearn for the brightness of loves sun,and if i burn,may it be by the knowledge i was not bound by the pain of my past,but by the beauty it has shown me,love always,me
56,it dosent scare me and i don't feel as if i act that age,but limitations,they come with it,unfortunately.not mine,the ones imposed by everyone else,the ones society and even the individual people impose,either through a mindset conceived by society or our own prejudices.yes,honestly i belong to the latter set,just now beginning to break free,yet i know i hold on to some myself.so many different ways of looking at things, prejudices to be broken down,no understanding of where my life will lead me,or in what direction i am going.fear,that i admit,the worst thing i can imagine,being an emotional person,is to have a life with out love,god that scares me,it would make me feel as if my life,my life in the future,would be void,empty.i wonder if i don't recognize,what i have now,if i am deceiving myself in search of,what i don't know.confidence,i don't know,i believe i believe in myself,but question myself to the point i drive myself crazy,a vicious circle,but i am no superman and this last year has taken something,maybe everything from me.balance,once a thing of graceful ease,i now feel shaky,perched over an abyss,shaky,but surprisingly without too much fear,mainly just doubt of what step to take.one of the benefits of youth,is the knowledge you still have time if you screw up,i believe i still have at least a quarter of a century left in me,i just want to make them the best part of my life.i have no problems with my past its been rocky but good,i just want my future to be as full,not monetarily,though i would not mind hitting the lottery,but emotionally,for if you are secure in love,everything else is manageable,without it meaningless.yes,i know to many others this seems so foolish,but life is about choices,and this is mine.how often do we hear of people and couples overcoming all obstacles,because of love,and how often do we hear of those successful people,the ones that have it all,ending their lives,out of the lack of love.
success,i guess that defines many of us,but success at what ,this is often the quest that comes with meaning later.money,i think is the least of it,sure i want to pay my bills and stuff,but what good are the things money can give without someone to share it with.loneliness,i guess its all relevant to your emotional being,i am a a person who loves people,the joy of being in love and of course,being loved.i have known the joys,the times in between and the reality of unsureity.the knowledge i am worthy of love,the belief in myself as a fairly good man,and my appreciation of being loved,say yes.the humble side,states it may not be,but i am grateful for what my life has given me.like Icarus,i yearn for the brightness of loves sun,and if i burn,may it be by the knowledge i was not bound by the pain of my past,but by the beauty it has shown me,love always,me
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