the reunion

          swirling thoughts of every hue,color my mind, kaleidoscopic of colors,from the depressed black to the shiny silver of a job well done.so much it tangles my mind,colors,emotions,weaving,tightening,loosening,in  chaotic timing.one second,a half hour,emotions play with my mind telling me things,while logic keeps raising its head trying to use common sense to balance it all out.its hell being human,and no denial,i would not allow it,the desire to quit,to call an end to this,a surrender to the unfairness of it all,at least in my mind.with death there would be an end to this torture i bring to myself with thoughts,alas i love the beauty of life too much,for here i sit upset,alone,mad about some things,enough to sit here and commit it to eternity,still the beauty of living,pictures of scenes as i drive,the knowledge i will be sure to give someone a reason to smile at me,gives me a desire to go on,even as i stay mad at myself for allowing life's wonders to give me hope for a better day,a fuller life and someday,somewhere,an opportunity to ease this loving ,but deprived heart of mine.

         everyone with the exception of myself,stop the pity marino,is going up to boston,for the macleod reunion,i am pissed and hurt.and oh so sadddddddd.not one person made an effort to reach out to me and ask if i would like to go.alienated from them all,a divorce if not in paper through action,from them all.my wife,she knows how rough the money situation has been,i don't burden her with everything it would just make her stress out,yet she has enough knowledge that you would have thought she would have tried for me,i admit my pride is an issue here,yet i feel justified,i asked for help once and was disappointed with the results,i don't ask twice.funny,this is the first week,hurrah,that i am getting into the black financially,bills are getting paid should be able to double mortgage this month and things are definitely on the upswing financially.

          was not invited to the birthday party last weekend and thats where it really started,plus when i talked to the wife about it,she was evasive,stating that she did not know anything about Madisons party. separation,its a bitch in itself,this was getting to be like a bad movie,you know,one of those,where you step in the quicksand and you want to believe that green,thin,branch you are pulling yourself up with is gonna be strong enough,wrapping your hands around it,pulling yourself out,while in your mind you are praying the roots aren't going too come out from your weight.displacement,a withdrawal of,logic telling you of your insignificance in their life,telling you that its because they are adults on their own now, emotional wreckage from the feeling of not being cared for.life goes on,you cannot make something it is not,and to modify it through an attempt,is to make a lie of what i seek.

          yesterday was simply a great day,i picked up check,nice one,that i busted my butt for,and got wife's money in bank,her cigs off,and paid liability.today i took care of the rest of the bills i had cash for and was responsible enough not to,repeat not to go to walmart.after last weeks episode i learned my lesson,however after checking everything out i might,ok,no lying i will go to walmart tonite.express lane,had their semi annual inspection on the beach stores today,and i think i did myself proud,actually i know i did.one of the managers,garmin,xl 1,had a rough week,his mother passed away and then the funeral was the day before the inspection,unfortunately for him his help failed him,so,on his return he walked into a mess.the d.m. told me he had removed some carpet strips,from the store and i went back to buff it out for garmin,poor guy was having a rough day so ended up staying till about 10:30 or 11:00.24 hour day,first in awhile,but it felt good,especially helping garmin,the look on his face when i told him there was no charge,he was a good guy,made it all worthwhile,sometimes people just need to know someone cares.

          work was an experience this week,my buffer died last week and it is still down.hopefully the parts will come in tomorrow,if not i proved to myself i can still use my stripping buffer,did that all week,and though at first i was upset,i remembered when that was all i had earlier this year,taking 4 hours to do a store,if not longer,so i just got grateful my high speed was working and got to it.bristol,ah that was a trip to hell,tar had permeated the the tile so not only did i have to strip the wax,then had to grind the tile,to get it white.i still think i have to make the white a little brighter but all in time,that will take new pads,and at 25 bucks a shot will have to wait till next time i scrub.tomorrow i have to call ace in mexico beach and confirm work on sunday,hopefully all goes well,loving the money.i am going to start,i know its hard to believe,sales,finally enough money for gas,cant go to crazy but it will definitely be an upturn of events,and yes i am proud of myself.not to be getting too far ahead of myself but week after that,i wont have to worry about gas,too much.i was so mortified last week,after my little put in check,by the electric co,having to borrow  gas twice in one week,well little leery,about spending money this week

           my blog served its purpose,i got to vent,and i feel ohhhhhhhhh,so much better,i am going to walmart,hehehe.you know sometimes i look at the stats on my blog and have to admit disappointment rears,then i am grateful that i don't have to worry about anyone reading it,allowing me to just be me,crazy,huh.thankful i am if,for those that do read,and i wish you the light of love,for with it all things are possible.