56

 this is my third attempt on this post,keep typing and it jumps into the middle of a sentence,ugh,frustrating.the work week went well,had a good time and enjoyed the social aspect of it.i have to figure out a way to intermingle with new people and faces,besides the internet.i am driving myself nuts,one moment i am trying to be proud and self sustaining in my isolated world,the next moment hungry for interaction of others.love,the one thing i cherish the most,also the one thing i believe you can not force from anyone,the gift that must be given of its own free will.my marriage,i dont know,is it one with no base,feeling estranged from my wife,and wondering if i am just a fool.one of the dangers of love is that when you love as i do,unconditionally,you are setting yourself up for pain,as you sometimes don't see the reality of a situation,and as we all know love is blind,hehehe.this morning i got on my f/b and received a pleasant blast from the past,my combat arms game friend,lily came on and we chatted for about an hour.it was so nice just to talk with her about the different things going on in my life ,with someone who showed an interest.since we only know each other from the game we can just be straight up,and tell how we feel about things.the internet,that place where we can be anyone we choose,and including our self,because the odds of meeting are slim,so we can just put ourself out there and if you don't like it,well,too bad,i don't see you every day,so there.actually,the people i meet there are important to me,and i wish i could meet them,but that's life.
       56,it dosent scare me and i don't feel as if i act that age,but limitations,they come with it,unfortunately.not mine,the ones imposed by everyone else,the ones society and even the individual people impose,either through  a mindset conceived by society or our own prejudices.yes,honestly i belong to the latter set,just now beginning to break free,yet i know i hold on to some myself.so many different ways of looking at things, prejudices to be broken down,no understanding of where my life will lead me,or in what direction i am going.fear,that i admit,the worst thing i can imagine,being an emotional person,is to have a life with out love,god that scares me,it would make me feel as if my life,my life in the future,would be void,empty.i wonder if i don't recognize,what i have now,if i am deceiving myself in search of,what i don't know.confidence,i don't know,i believe i believe in myself,but question myself to the point i drive myself crazy,a vicious circle,but i am no superman and this last year has taken something,maybe everything from me.balance,once a thing of graceful ease,i now feel shaky,perched over an abyss,shaky,but surprisingly without too much fear,mainly just doubt of what step to take.one of the benefits of youth,is the knowledge you still have time if you screw up,i believe i still have at least a quarter of a century left in me,i just want to make them the best part of my life.i have no problems with my past its been rocky but good,i just want my future to be as full,not monetarily,though i would not mind hitting the lottery,but emotionally,for if you are secure in love,everything else is manageable,without it meaningless.yes,i know to many others this seems so foolish,but life is about choices,and this is mine.how often do we  hear of people and couples overcoming all obstacles,because of love,and how often do we hear of those successful people,the ones that have it all,ending their lives,out of the lack of love.
       success,i guess that defines many of us,but success at what ,this is often the quest that comes with meaning later.money,i think is the least of it,sure i want to pay my bills and stuff,but what good are the things money  can give without someone to share it with.loneliness,i guess its all relevant to your emotional being,i am a a person who loves people,the joy of being in love and of course,being loved.i have known the joys,the times in between and the reality of unsureity.the knowledge i am worthy of love,the belief in myself as a fairly good man,and my appreciation of being loved,say yes.the humble side,states it may not be,but i am grateful for what my life has given me.like Icarus,i yearn for the brightness of loves sun,and if i burn,may it be by the knowledge i was not bound by the pain of my past,but by the beauty it has shown me,love always,me