ughhhh,i feel like shit,sick as a dog,but i am smiling,just checked with ace hardware and tomorrow is a definite so all good.life is humorous,full of different directions almost every minute of the day,hehe,and out of these directions our lives are formed.was just watching a movie about two people in love,one in service and the other a person in psyche ward.the moral,the guy in service is told that his love is not in her best interest,so as much as he loves her he dosent respond to her letters,finally she says the hell with it and goes straight to his hospital.where he overwhelmed by her,surrenders to the love he feels,happy ending.often in life we make decisions ,based on whats best for someone else,according to our or others thoughts.i am trying to think this through here,say it right.the girl in the movie was schizophrenic,everyone thought his love or their being together was detrimental to her mental health,actually his acceptance of her for who she was,coupled with his love,calmed her down.the actual reverse of everyone elses thoughts,you,in return have to give her credit for believing enough in their love to show him.she goes to the hospital he is in,he wakes up and she is there,that is all she wrote.yup,i am loving it,for more personal reasons.every relationship,and i mean everyone,the woman has always been the one that ties the bind.
outgoing , boisterous,and sometimes too loud,thats my forte,except,this is the funny thing,with women i don't know or women i have developed feelings for.here they have to be the instigators,for here i am scared.lordy,lordy,so strange i be,some of it has to do with my sexual insecurities,never had a one night stand,crazy huh,always had to feel those women out first,not physically,emotionally,see where they are coming from,you know.it sucks being sick,lets get back to issue here,just wanted to bitch,hehehe.the other side of the coin,putting it simply,trust.my mother,ok,i know,let me explain,was a very beautiful woman,modeled for black velvet,etc.in addition,the most manipulative woman i ever met,she could get her men to do almost anything for her,then shut them out.i,hell man,even today,i trust at first,but if you do something,i wont say a thing,i just don't forget.whats even worst,fear,so scared of laying myself out there,i run.shit,without alcohol,and i have not drank i over twenty years,i am even afraid to kiss a girl.now,i am married,but we all know their are opportunities,here i use my marriage as an excuse,hehehe,just dont have the balls.i do respect my wife,i am just being blatantly honest.so aint all this a trip,and with out being arrogant,women tell me i am handsome,so there just aint no telling is there.i am sure you have heard that beautiful women,and handsome men,far from having those exciting lives we hear of,are the loneliest people in the world,if i am handsome,then i fall into the latter category.i realize that dosent say a lot about my marriage,its not that we don't love one another,its two different ways of love.i am a romantic,she hates romance,dont ask,it was not always like that.
life,so full of dreams,so empty of what nurtures me,so close,yet so far away.what a mess,a true quandary,a morass,ever deepening threatening to drown me,i try to use logic,i fight everyday,looking for a positive in every light.the fear does not go away,master of my own destiny,always running,what a joke.i belong to that group,the one who always appears to have things in some kind of control,always keeping themselves hidden.i know,money,financial things dont rule my world, substitutes,that all they are.what sense is there in accomplishing great things monetarily if there is an emotional bankruptcy.like the serpent eating its tail,the circle simply gets smaller, strangling,vicious,not out of a lack of knowledge in prevention of the noose,
the inability of conquering mine own fear.substituting,using all the other successes,small as they may be,to cover mine own singular fear,which truly defines my life today and in my future.i even have discovered that i don't give 110 percent in trying to become more financially successful,its a lack of desire,decreased by hunger of the other,and maybe a desire to fall,which may make me become braver in other ways.what a fucked up way to go,huh.i dont know,only time will tell,and with time anything is possible.
No comments:
Post a Comment