Where do you begin when there are not enough words,the inabilty to transcribe in the same,black and white symbols,an event that colors your emotions,sends sparks flying along the tendrils of your thoughts, erupting your body with desire, white,soft pink and yellow, the romance, passion colored in red,and black the despondency of the knowledge, you dream the dream to be unfilled, hunger created by a vision ,only seen in the dreams of a romantic.The humor life shows,its laughter loud,with me,at me, the joyous mirth, the double edge sword cutting through me ,oh so ,loud and emphatic,wall of defense. Country music, i can not stand, dont turn it on in my car, will endure if neccessary,wishing i had cotton in my ears, hehehe. The Jester called life is standing there,smiling at me, and for the life of me,even with the knowledge of the pain ,heart break, lifes lessons from living life, i can not help but smile back,with a twinkle in my eyes,and bow in admittance that i it has taught me another lesson,and not just one but another in that somethings happen, when ,where and irregardless, of the defenses i surrounded myself with.Country music,well,have i changed myopinion,i dont really believe so,maybe a little,just a little more likely, to listen with out showing so much rejection simply because of the genre.I am dragging this out,so much to say,so me thing i cant ,a quandary, no knowledge of how to say it all,laughing at the irony of my life,the fact that i ,who would say,no shame in my game,and walk that talk,is dancing all over this page, not out of fear,or fear of redicule, its the sadness of it.Joy,bursting within,dreamer,that i am , magic my life has been ,affecting some,lives ,theirs and mine,enrichened , for i refused to believe in the improbibilty, believing that there is that one thing that can make anything possible.Ahhhhhhhhh,,,enough,can we talk?
Natalie Stovall,my first intro to her,was about a month or so ago,at her previous set at Spinakers,actually i had only come in to see some of the staff,i had checked out the website and the moment i saw country,i shook my head and decided i was spending the w/e at La vela.At any rate i am talking to the staff and the band comes on stage,with her following.Damn,here, i go at a complete loss.Music,to me, can be more intimate then sex, as personal as making love and infuse itself into your essence closer than a humans touch.The sound of a violin,fiddle,trumpet,piano,bongos,or organ,to me touch the places in me ,like an electrical circuit. This is not to belittle any other instruments,i play the guitar myself,these are the instruments that my soul responds to,there is this thing, i call it the fifth beat or rather note,i know crazy,but where most people hear ,respond ,dance to the obvious beat in a song ,when i begin to feel the raptor,the communication between my body and the music,emotional stimuli, ignighting,and my soul,starts to overflow with all the musical essence,it moves me,i am lost in the celebration,for this i have been created,to dance ,to that fifth beat,a celebration of life, an acknowledgment of my appreciation of having tasted life.Making love to life, music, our shared intimacy, Natalie played, i listened and got lost .Accolades to her fellow musicians they are all good, and i have known a few so speak with some authority,i only wish i could describe my feelings, the emotional rainbow, or the thoughts that caressed my mind .I never made it to La Velas, i did not even go to work that Sunday so i could listen to her.Life , occasionally will, in the worst of times,grant us an insight that makes our troubles become less significant,promises that life is worth living, dreams to make the day bearable.Bonding, even if unknown by another,plants us more sturdily,gives strength,desire to feel it again, i can make it for there will be another time.A testament to her,simple, after that w/e i went out once more,knowing she would be returning soon,i did not go dancing or out until she returned this w/e.This from a man who goes out every weekend, Friday, Saturday and Sunday occasionally also.It just seemed like anyone elses music would feel insignificant, at least to my soul.i will be the first to tell you that i sound crazy,i mean i love hip hop,blues,some classical ,rock,i love music.Now i have been smitten by some country/western singer,lordy,lordy.
O.k,,god for a man who cant type that well this is taking forever,to me its worth it,for, some day i will smile with the memories it brings fresh again.The next show,last w/e,demonstrated the humor,joy and promise life offers,It will not tell of the anguish, fear, or reality of being the romantic fool i am.So remember that lifes beauty did overcome pain, in the midst of torture there is a quiet place,and that the dance celebrates all aspects of life, the spin and that joyous leap encompassing all, in its celebration. Checking the web,i found that Natalie was only playing Sat.and Sun. night, in addition Spinnaker was closing for the rest of the year till New Years.I am such a man,did not go to the club and yell at them, or demand that they cant do this to me, hehehehe. You know sometimes life just sucks!!!!! I dont think they would have listened to me anyway,i am laughing to myself as i write this,wonder if it is to help cover the pain of being me.Oh, well, on we go,i had been so impressed with Natalie,i had told Scottman, i was going to ask her if she would come meet Stormy and possibly play for her,thinking how much Stormy loves country,plus it would make a lasting impression on her,and maybe make up for me not spending time with her.How do you explain you dont even have the money for the gas,when they live 10 miles away.Life,you gotta love it.Anywayyyy,back to basics,Saturday night i go to the club, everyone said they missed me which made me feel good, actually real good,so there,hehehe. Surprise,surprise,main stage is shut down,now whats up,turns out they are using the smaller stage in the back.Now i feel a little anxious,see there is a seating area around the main stage overlooking the dance floor,with a shelf for your drinks,and thats where i dance at,never get on the floor. i am always a little nervous when i feel the music starting to seep inside ,making me want to dance, and in addition it is like my safety ,for women cant dance with me, or at least most of the time, though there have been a couple who just jump in. In the back, with the exception of the stage ,its all one level including the dance floor,ughh,what do i do now.Natalie,starts her first set,and me i am not going to risk anything so i sit in a chair, figuring i will just listen.She plays,i listen, eventually i cant stop myself,i stand feeling the combination of her,the music,my thoughts,and my body responds, almost as if there is no resistance left. Captured like a deer in the lights,i stand in the corner ,my body screaming for freedom as i attempt to appease it by simply letting my feet move,holding myself in check. after the first set i escape into the dance room inside,trying to feed my bodys dancing hunger by dancing a little inside. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh the night, i stayed until the last set, torn in two, at one point Natalie, came up to me ,saying hi,telling me she appreciated the fact i came to hear her.Talk about feeling like a kid again, my mind racing with things i wanted to say,thought of saying to her,duhhhhhhhhh, i have seldom felt so tongue tied. Mind overload, where would i start,she would think i was a wacko,hell i am writing this, trying not to say too much and i wonder,hehehehe,overwhelmed.
Sunday night,last night of the year for Spinnakers and i have decided i am going to go, i tell myself its the last night, some of the people asked if i was coming,what the hell,i know i am going ,i know why,i just cant be honest with myself,Buty then while we can lie to others we cant lie to ourselves. At least i cant. Anyway, this is where i hope that i never forget the night,one of the most wonderful times,one of the most difficult nights i have experienced.I got there after the first set,i know,i swear it was a night that only the fates could have set up. First, one of the waitresses,i owe a debt of gratitude to , for unknowingly she made the night possible, by being a little wise ass,which i say with a smile.Natalie came up to me after the first set,being nice ,she said hello, and being scared to the point i could not let the fear win,i talked back, i know, no big deal for someone else but i was an emotional wreck.I even worked up the courage, to talk to her about Stormy and she said that i could bring her down for the sound check,next year.Which was sweet ,even though its a long time from now,damn that sucks. Well next thing you know i had asked the waitress how old Natalie was,wise ass,hehehe,says she dont know walks over too Natalie,over my screaming at her to stop,next thing you know,Natalie,turns around,blond hair swinging,eyes full of a sassy fire and ,strutting like a ,how can i describe, simply beautiful.Demanding me to tell her old i thought she was,,for some reason that instant she became real,which is hard to describe but i know what i mean,and life was good .It was standing room only and this meant i could hide in the crowd and dance, like no one was watching , and i did. i even felt restricted , feeling as if i wanted to explode with the magic of her,reveal my celebration of her music with my dance,share the intimacy i felt. Her,the music, me, the dance,there are very few women that i personally feel an affinity to,enough to share the dance,but here the man that told women no all the time,wanted to dance with someone.For me to admit this to myself was a surprise in itself, the desire ahhhhhhhh,what can i say,except read this again if cant remember,hehehe.Not likely,we are getting close,this has taken hours,but thats o.k..
THE DANCE, is more intimate then making love,for here you dont worry about good enough, do this ,do that, it is two people free of constraint, celebrating passion , the melding of two people joyously sharing themselves with another, their eyes revealing to one another thoughts,and emotions ,reflections that words can only begin to try to describe. before man could speak he revealed himself through dance, its power,and interpretation speaking volumes to another. Ok,ok,just about there,Natalie is playing,sparkling,,filling me,I am dancing over to the side so i can watch her play,mesmorized by the magic she weaves, she looks at me and there is a second, recognition, and she plays,hot,fast,furious,eyes beaming with intensity,while she challenges me on the floor,shacles broken,crowd opening i dance in response,here i am ,free of thought, bubbling in a passion uncorked,celebrating the moment, I dance in for,because of this woman, who stands before me playing like a musical muse from an enchanted forest.This moment , wondrous, magical, and then i looking into her eyes, they are closed, as she plays, saddened here, i am lost, here i wanted you to see,to share ,i spin torn,thinking by the time i come back she will open her eyes, she is gone, walking away, playing as if to make the gods hear. Happy, confused, sad, it was all,and even with its sadness the ignition of that first passion will always be there. I am proud of the fact that i am who i am,i feel no shame in being sensitive ,romantic,or a dreamer.Chances, i have taken risks, reaped the benefits of following my heart,not my head, and one of lifes ironies is this.To truly appreciate,something, you must first lose it, and what good would being happy be without some knowledge of sadness.So,do you, do you, do you want a dance baby?!!!!!!!!
Friday, November 9, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
i smurf you
Just finished watching the smurf movie,gotta love it,so cute and also has a few lessons for us in it.I smurf you is another way of saying i love you,isnt it amazing that we never tire of coming up with new ways to tell one another we love you.All those little catch phrases,some that endure time or become a part of street language, to exist by those in the know.i love movies that are happy, take me to apart of my life i had forgotten or reminds me how fortunate i am today.life,damn it is definately not long enough,so much i want to accomplish,do with my life,and love to give. It is different,i think about the people i love ,younger then me whose lives will continue after i am gone, i smile sometimes,thinking of the times i will not be able to share with them,the smile is because it is with optimism and the happiness i am sure they will discover in their lives,I have been blessed with knowing them,thats a treasure none can take ,well except Alzheimer disease.Myself,i guess thats what always been important,not the money,material things,but the knowledge in my own way i have enrichened some lives,that the memories of me ,while not perfect will reflect a care for others,an appreciation for being alive,my only failing as a human being true to oneself,an inability of belief in myself in matters of love and i guess there is always a price to pay.
Ok, now as to what i have been doing since my last post on the 9th.Darn i just realized that was exactly 2 weeks ago today,hehehe.Michael and Michele both had birthdays,and my friend Sal,who i have known for oh sooo long,hehehe.Work has been same,insufficent,but i am working on improving that, finally, i procrastinate until its too late then go crazy trying to fix things, lordy,lordy, will i ever learn, hehehe.Last week i finally worked up the resolve to try and get some more business,i made 7 cold calls,i realize that is not alot,however it is definitely an improvement over nothing.I did 3 one day then 4 on the following day, its mainly just a way to get me to overcome the fear of doing sales and that rejection thing. i also went to a small business and veterans outreach center,i pass it all the time, think of going in but keep putting it off,so i am a little more proud of myself.Not too complain but 450.00 a week is not cutting it and though i have managed to keep things up,it is definitely time to grow or go as they say.Scotty says we are maintaining,but thats about all we are doing, so i am going to give it a shot,hell if i can figure it out i may get some work ,subbing or trying to get a major contract.Right now,though i am going to just do the cold calls till i can figure out how to get a hold of some of the major contractors.
DANCE,cant let that go,yes, i have been out every w/e,cost is about 10.00 for the entire w/e,so i dont feel too guilty about that.I only went to Spinnakers this w/e and last,Orange Ave.played this weekend,they were good,the previous weekend,i got my socks rocked by Natalie Stovall. I do not enjoy country music,however ,she managed to turn me a little bit.First of all she is a performer,and she plays the sweetest and sexiest fiddle i have heard in awhile.I confess i was at all 3 shows and when she returns in November, I will be there,anticipating.Who would have ever thought? The w/e previous Spinnaker had a country band,it was a filler i will admit,so bad i left after a couple of songs,going to La Vela, which i have to admit i had not been too in too long.I ran into a couple of people i knew and it was actually a pretty good time.Oh,just remembered ,i actually have footage of me dancing at Spinnakers,a guy recorded me,he was out with a couple of girls and i guess they thought i was alright.At any rate, he introduced himself to me tried to hook me up with one of the girls ,so i explained i was married and we just talked for a bit which was fun.When Scotty returns i will ask him to put the clip on here.
Office,oh hell yeah,finally!!!!!Taking the spare bedroom and doing a conversion.I call it the office,but its really going to be a Marino room.My artwork,books ,all those little things that bring pleasure to my senses, a true representation of myself, and it is taking FOREVER,hehehe,and will probably take eternity to complete, all this i say with a smile though, broke,not wanting too settle for anything other then my dream, oh well it will be worth it .Too start with it was this ugly brownish tan that took 3 coats of primer,do you believe it,to get rid of.I did the ceiling first, i had to take part of it down then ended up trying to fix all the dimples in it, finally got that primed,then covered it with a coat of Behr semi gloss pure white,adding a second coat of the same that i had mixed some crystals in, trying to pop it.I think i will probably redo it as i dont think the glitter shows enough, i also discovered the ceiling fan is off center,ughhhh.Oh well,that just gives me an opportunity to come up with something,what i have no idea,hehehe. Paint,ahhh,the colors of the world run through my mind, i believe i have picked out my primary colors,it being a small room the pure white will act as a base.Life is too colorful to stop there however and my artwork while colorful, i am trying to use as an exclamation on the walls while retaining a little bit of playfulness,and seriousness, in the colors of the room.A child given a new toy,thats how i feel about my room, i dont mind the time it will take,the exasperation i experience when confronted with a problem,it is so much FUN!!!Of course i dont have much money,it took me 2 maybe 3 weeks to get the money for the ceiling,i buy a package of glitter a week thats about 8 or 9 bucks,i still have some white that i have had stashed away for a couple of years,still good though.Accent colors, i have three definates and 1 maybe, those will probably take me a couple of months,unless I pick up some extra work.All good though.I spent this week trying to lay out my plan on where to hang my prints and such, you would not believe how difficult it can be trying to put a square on the wall without the proper tools,oh and this week bought a roll of tape.I think it was 8 bucks but it is better then the blue tape as it has a repellent on it for paint that makes your lines crisper. I will post some pictures also,but dont expect too see much till its done.
Ohhhh,i almost forgot,life changeing news, i have for the first time been getting up at 8 am almost every day,now, for most thats like a soooo,but it has been almost 20 years since i have tried to do this so yup,feeling good about it myself. I guess thats it for now and no i never stop thinking about you,love to all and to all may there be joy in your life,marino.
Ok, now as to what i have been doing since my last post on the 9th.Darn i just realized that was exactly 2 weeks ago today,hehehe.Michael and Michele both had birthdays,and my friend Sal,who i have known for oh sooo long,hehehe.Work has been same,insufficent,but i am working on improving that, finally, i procrastinate until its too late then go crazy trying to fix things, lordy,lordy, will i ever learn, hehehe.Last week i finally worked up the resolve to try and get some more business,i made 7 cold calls,i realize that is not alot,however it is definitely an improvement over nothing.I did 3 one day then 4 on the following day, its mainly just a way to get me to overcome the fear of doing sales and that rejection thing. i also went to a small business and veterans outreach center,i pass it all the time, think of going in but keep putting it off,so i am a little more proud of myself.Not too complain but 450.00 a week is not cutting it and though i have managed to keep things up,it is definitely time to grow or go as they say.Scotty says we are maintaining,but thats about all we are doing, so i am going to give it a shot,hell if i can figure it out i may get some work ,subbing or trying to get a major contract.Right now,though i am going to just do the cold calls till i can figure out how to get a hold of some of the major contractors.
DANCE,cant let that go,yes, i have been out every w/e,cost is about 10.00 for the entire w/e,so i dont feel too guilty about that.I only went to Spinnakers this w/e and last,Orange Ave.played this weekend,they were good,the previous weekend,i got my socks rocked by Natalie Stovall. I do not enjoy country music,however ,she managed to turn me a little bit.First of all she is a performer,and she plays the sweetest and sexiest fiddle i have heard in awhile.I confess i was at all 3 shows and when she returns in November, I will be there,anticipating.Who would have ever thought? The w/e previous Spinnaker had a country band,it was a filler i will admit,so bad i left after a couple of songs,going to La Vela, which i have to admit i had not been too in too long.I ran into a couple of people i knew and it was actually a pretty good time.Oh,just remembered ,i actually have footage of me dancing at Spinnakers,a guy recorded me,he was out with a couple of girls and i guess they thought i was alright.At any rate, he introduced himself to me tried to hook me up with one of the girls ,so i explained i was married and we just talked for a bit which was fun.When Scotty returns i will ask him to put the clip on here.
Office,oh hell yeah,finally!!!!!Taking the spare bedroom and doing a conversion.I call it the office,but its really going to be a Marino room.My artwork,books ,all those little things that bring pleasure to my senses, a true representation of myself, and it is taking FOREVER,hehehe,and will probably take eternity to complete, all this i say with a smile though, broke,not wanting too settle for anything other then my dream, oh well it will be worth it .Too start with it was this ugly brownish tan that took 3 coats of primer,do you believe it,to get rid of.I did the ceiling first, i had to take part of it down then ended up trying to fix all the dimples in it, finally got that primed,then covered it with a coat of Behr semi gloss pure white,adding a second coat of the same that i had mixed some crystals in, trying to pop it.I think i will probably redo it as i dont think the glitter shows enough, i also discovered the ceiling fan is off center,ughhhh.Oh well,that just gives me an opportunity to come up with something,what i have no idea,hehehe. Paint,ahhh,the colors of the world run through my mind, i believe i have picked out my primary colors,it being a small room the pure white will act as a base.Life is too colorful to stop there however and my artwork while colorful, i am trying to use as an exclamation on the walls while retaining a little bit of playfulness,and seriousness, in the colors of the room.A child given a new toy,thats how i feel about my room, i dont mind the time it will take,the exasperation i experience when confronted with a problem,it is so much FUN!!!Of course i dont have much money,it took me 2 maybe 3 weeks to get the money for the ceiling,i buy a package of glitter a week thats about 8 or 9 bucks,i still have some white that i have had stashed away for a couple of years,still good though.Accent colors, i have three definates and 1 maybe, those will probably take me a couple of months,unless I pick up some extra work.All good though.I spent this week trying to lay out my plan on where to hang my prints and such, you would not believe how difficult it can be trying to put a square on the wall without the proper tools,oh and this week bought a roll of tape.I think it was 8 bucks but it is better then the blue tape as it has a repellent on it for paint that makes your lines crisper. I will post some pictures also,but dont expect too see much till its done.
Ohhhh,i almost forgot,life changeing news, i have for the first time been getting up at 8 am almost every day,now, for most thats like a soooo,but it has been almost 20 years since i have tried to do this so yup,feeling good about it myself. I guess thats it for now and no i never stop thinking about you,love to all and to all may there be joy in your life,marino.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
the movie,how to lose a guy in ten days
well just got done watching how to lose a guy in 10 days,funny,endearing and it made me think about things.My dad,he met every woman that was important in my life,crazy place to star but i miss him.In the movie,he brings her over to meet his family,and his mother states he never brought another woman over,i guess we only want to bring home those that we find important,those we feel will be important enough to share our deepest secrets with,comfortable and secure enough that no matter what our family says, embarrassed us with,no harm will come to our relationship.i keep using the words us,but this is only as a comfort zone,in actuality it is only myself i can write about,.My dad always just wanted me to be happy,did not always think i was making a good choice,however he embarrassed me or made the women feel uncomfortable,what else can you ask for.They always fell for him anyways,he was just that kind of guy.
LOVE,with it i can conquer the world,without,is only the kind of existence that seems grey,foggy,a monotone existence,where you just put one foot in front of the other.Barry White says it well,you are my everything.Old school,yes but to the romantic one of a kindred spirit.Where to go from here?My age,57,a number,it tells not of the young child inside,the spirit that flows in rapturous harmony with every note of music,a dreamer of enchantment,the bitterness of being judged by those younger basing all on appearance,the joy when they see the spirit that lives inside making them desirous to be me.Quiet,am i,until i hear the music,see a womans desire to get to know me,scared i am always,only the music freeing my inhibitions,afraid of a life where love has knocked at my door,entered and shall be no more.Loss of that romantic moment,where to kiss is as satisfying,maybe even better then the actual act of sex.Twinkle,twinkle send shivers through me when i see that twinkle in her eyes,comfort in her arms,where i feel the security that no matter what,it will be ok.Wrapping her in my arms kissing the back of her sweet head,desiring to protect her from all bad,walking down a street,fingers wrapped together,holding hands,exclaiming to the world,we are one.Life,has been good to me.Is it age that stops,the knowledge of a love lost,or the fight ,that drains the spirit,for i refuse to accept what reality offers me.Drowning,overwhelmed,i struggle to the surface seeking,the tiniest bit of air.Seeing others,most younger though not all,loving someone,irregardless of the world around them,denying judgement of themselves by others, resplendent,dazzling and daring all in their display of love for one another.Here,i look for my breath,painful to draw into myself,for it is not i,its truth being anything is possible,even for one such as i.They come in all shapes,sizes,races,ages intermingling,boundaries non existence,torn down by the force of love.Hope,a light only dimmed by loves light,breaks through sustaining me making life possible,its promise of possibility making all endurable.
Jealousy,does rear her ugly head,if just for he briefest moment,sadness as my life whips through sweet memories of yesterday,anger at myself,mad at my fear,of never having told,making it seem like i dont care,what do i know of you?I know you are there,hidden from my view,life it is a stage and i,one of its actors,showing life is being lived, existence is being maintained,if only for the briefest glimpse of you.
It seems like i am my own worst enemy,my friends have always thought it humorous that i could never tell when women where interested in me,which was true,it is also true that i,i have always been intimidated by women,i am attracted to,or even worse feared i would be considered inadequate sexually.Fear,always afraid,hell of a thing for someone as romantic as myself.So i guess i have been fortunate that the women in my life had the courage to overcome my own doubts.I was master of subtle hints,letting them know i was interested,scared of taking that first step.Women,have shown an interest,their failure,if you wish to call it such,being in that they only displayed an interest in a sexual form.I am realistic enough,maybe harshly so,in the knowledge that i am not that great in bed.Maybe it is just my own perception,women seemed ok with me,but,love,for me is the magical elixir,the leveler that makes even the worst,the best for another.
Love,that strength which can overcome all,is so fragile in its beginnings,like the first thread in a spiders web.The moment we first realize we are captured in the web,its beginnings tease us.tearing me from within,like a wind whipping thru the pages of a book,each page opening to reveal all my weaknesses,scaring me ,making me question myself,my heart screaming to tell,my fear rendering me mute. Interpretation,here i which we were telepathic,if only emotionally.Safe it would be,honest,so you and i,would not hurt one another.Sex,it appears you seem only to be interested in,or offering,thats scary,would you scorn me,maybe laugh at me.For you see,i am excited more by your laugh,that look in your eye,the thought of holding your hand,or holding you as you sleep,SEX scares me,the joy of being intimate,the knowledge you accept me as i am,that is the nectar of my existence.Scared,hell yes,for some a kiss is nothing,for me,it is act of saying you have power over me,its a surrender,the sweetness undescribable.The overcoming of fear,that moment when lips first touch,the feel of our bodies molding together,a dream that is now real,i am yours,you can hurt me,i give you this freely,with trepidation,i savor this,pulling back to see what truth there is in your eyes.Here,the kiss that seemingly innocent beginning,begins the web.On this can a thing of wonder and beauty sparkle forth each strand giving strength,each day it sparkles anew with another weave wove.It all starts with that first strand,the one so difficult to start.
In the movie,both people have two different objectives,one to lose someone,thr other to gain someone,and yet through the wonder of being themselves,the magic of love and being honest with each other ends up in a happy ending.This is me,the optimist who believes the power of love can overcome,the hardest thing is the honesty,which makes you so vulnerable.Once found,it gives those a strength second to none,a shield of protection in defiance of all.
LOVE,with it i can conquer the world,without,is only the kind of existence that seems grey,foggy,a monotone existence,where you just put one foot in front of the other.Barry White says it well,you are my everything.Old school,yes but to the romantic one of a kindred spirit.Where to go from here?My age,57,a number,it tells not of the young child inside,the spirit that flows in rapturous harmony with every note of music,a dreamer of enchantment,the bitterness of being judged by those younger basing all on appearance,the joy when they see the spirit that lives inside making them desirous to be me.Quiet,am i,until i hear the music,see a womans desire to get to know me,scared i am always,only the music freeing my inhibitions,afraid of a life where love has knocked at my door,entered and shall be no more.Loss of that romantic moment,where to kiss is as satisfying,maybe even better then the actual act of sex.Twinkle,twinkle send shivers through me when i see that twinkle in her eyes,comfort in her arms,where i feel the security that no matter what,it will be ok.Wrapping her in my arms kissing the back of her sweet head,desiring to protect her from all bad,walking down a street,fingers wrapped together,holding hands,exclaiming to the world,we are one.Life,has been good to me.Is it age that stops,the knowledge of a love lost,or the fight ,that drains the spirit,for i refuse to accept what reality offers me.Drowning,overwhelmed,i struggle to the surface seeking,the tiniest bit of air.Seeing others,most younger though not all,loving someone,irregardless of the world around them,denying judgement of themselves by others, resplendent,dazzling and daring all in their display of love for one another.Here,i look for my breath,painful to draw into myself,for it is not i,its truth being anything is possible,even for one such as i.They come in all shapes,sizes,races,ages intermingling,boundaries non existence,torn down by the force of love.Hope,a light only dimmed by loves light,breaks through sustaining me making life possible,its promise of possibility making all endurable.
Jealousy,does rear her ugly head,if just for he briefest moment,sadness as my life whips through sweet memories of yesterday,anger at myself,mad at my fear,of never having told,making it seem like i dont care,what do i know of you?I know you are there,hidden from my view,life it is a stage and i,one of its actors,showing life is being lived, existence is being maintained,if only for the briefest glimpse of you.
It seems like i am my own worst enemy,my friends have always thought it humorous that i could never tell when women where interested in me,which was true,it is also true that i,i have always been intimidated by women,i am attracted to,or even worse feared i would be considered inadequate sexually.Fear,always afraid,hell of a thing for someone as romantic as myself.So i guess i have been fortunate that the women in my life had the courage to overcome my own doubts.I was master of subtle hints,letting them know i was interested,scared of taking that first step.Women,have shown an interest,their failure,if you wish to call it such,being in that they only displayed an interest in a sexual form.I am realistic enough,maybe harshly so,in the knowledge that i am not that great in bed.Maybe it is just my own perception,women seemed ok with me,but,love,for me is the magical elixir,the leveler that makes even the worst,the best for another.
Love,that strength which can overcome all,is so fragile in its beginnings,like the first thread in a spiders web.The moment we first realize we are captured in the web,its beginnings tease us.tearing me from within,like a wind whipping thru the pages of a book,each page opening to reveal all my weaknesses,scaring me ,making me question myself,my heart screaming to tell,my fear rendering me mute. Interpretation,here i which we were telepathic,if only emotionally.Safe it would be,honest,so you and i,would not hurt one another.Sex,it appears you seem only to be interested in,or offering,thats scary,would you scorn me,maybe laugh at me.For you see,i am excited more by your laugh,that look in your eye,the thought of holding your hand,or holding you as you sleep,SEX scares me,the joy of being intimate,the knowledge you accept me as i am,that is the nectar of my existence.Scared,hell yes,for some a kiss is nothing,for me,it is act of saying you have power over me,its a surrender,the sweetness undescribable.The overcoming of fear,that moment when lips first touch,the feel of our bodies molding together,a dream that is now real,i am yours,you can hurt me,i give you this freely,with trepidation,i savor this,pulling back to see what truth there is in your eyes.Here,the kiss that seemingly innocent beginning,begins the web.On this can a thing of wonder and beauty sparkle forth each strand giving strength,each day it sparkles anew with another weave wove.It all starts with that first strand,the one so difficult to start.
In the movie,both people have two different objectives,one to lose someone,thr other to gain someone,and yet through the wonder of being themselves,the magic of love and being honest with each other ends up in a happy ending.This is me,the optimist who believes the power of love can overcome,the hardest thing is the honesty,which makes you so vulnerable.Once found,it gives those a strength second to none,a shield of protection in defiance of all.
Friday, August 31, 2012
guilt
Woke up at 4:30 am,better then sleepng the day away,had to go to work at 8 am,so put last coat of primer on my rooms ceiling,scotty took some before picts so i could have them for later.He is a pretty good guy,does what he can and shows he cares by listening to me which can be a job,hehehe.i feel a little bad about my last post,when i stated i have no family,so will address that here,while my thoughts are fresh.Oh,job got put off till next week,there went my w/e,but actually its o.k.,will need the money next week too,hahaha.
First,i miss my father so much,missing him,has also opened my eyes to other relationships,but there is no substitution for him.I believe i built my life, psychologically,around a very simple idea,how would my father have handled it?My father was definitely a mortal man with all his faults and mistakes that he made in life,He was also very humane,loving and did the best he could.Maybe not the best others would think,but damn sure good enough for me.Rough times we definitely had,misunderstandings,bad times between us too,love was the glue,and an acceptance for one another,as the person we were,at that time,carried us through.Most of my life,decisions i made were based simply on,what i thought my father would do,because he always seemed to have all the answers.In addition the thought of him being there,hell it gave me the courage to try,even if failure loomed large,simply because his love for me would still be there if i did screw up.
My mother,still living,down the street from me as a matter of fact,we dont talk much,even though my wife pushes me to.I am trying to get better at it though,simply put,i dont trust her.What a story she could write about her life,definately interesting enough and life has not been easy for her either.I have a younger,brother and sister,i swear they can not hate her enough,which is where we differ.Acceptance,i dont neccessairly like her or things that she has done in the past,i simply accept that she is who she is and love her for the times before our lives got crazy,it does not mean i forgot the bad things or times,i learned a lot,good and bad from her,i simply accept the fact that we all have made bad decisions in our lives,accept her for who she is today and try not to get caught up in her webs of manipulation.She really is very good at what she does,hahaha.
Brother and sister,both younger and neither in my life,that i will admit probably has a lot to do with me,unfortunately.Love them both,think of them both probably about once a week,desire to get a closre relationship but,where to start.My brother,he really is a good person,sets a lot of importance on his family and gives them 110%,you have to respect that.Out of the 3 of us he is probably the best example for normalcy,and has done pretty good for himself and his.We actually got along pretty well,though he disagreed about some things in my life,which i will say he would end up being right about.We basically have just a few things that ripped us apart.one his hatred for my mother and sister,he lived with our father for a time and my sis lived with her mother.He,maybe correctly felt my mother was a bad influence,that my sis picked up her bad ways and the fact that she led a very rebellious life under my fathers roof and when she hit the streets on her own,did not help either.Of course there is more,but thats the basics.Naturally being the oldest,both of them tried to play me to the others disadvantage,and then both of them would gang up on mom,crazy huh,thats basically how our lives were.The final straw came about when i thought he betrayed my trust in him.He had been good enough to come down south and work with me,so i could build my business up,after all was going good i put him on salary and was told he would go to his sons football practices and games,when he was supposed to be at work,Pissed off and hurt,i alienated him,my bad,there are better ways to do things and i shut him out of my life.My worst attribute,that of cutting people completely out of my life,when the hurt is so bad,has cost me dearly.Much older and a little wiser now,i have learned there are alternates,then it was the only way i could rest assured of not getting hurt,by the same person too many times.I love and miss him,i just dont know if i can undo the damage i have caused or if i can handle the rejection by him,plus,my life is pretty shitty right now and i hate looking bad.
My sister,lordy,lordy,i feel for her,life,even though she has to take a lot of the responsibility,has sucked for her.Out of the 3 of us,she has fared the worse,our relationship,god knows has been a mess.That poor girl has not caught a break her entire life and unfortunately i cant say i was much help.Back in the day,we were both party animals,just out for the good time and when i finally got my life togther,i left the state.She always looked up to me and i know i let her down,when we discovered our mother was still alive we met in california for the first time in years and i was so caught up in myself i was not much help to her either.Then she would call here and i would brush her off,which was not good on my part.I have tried to talk with her on f/b but she dose not get on it very often.The phone well that seems like a good idea and maybe i will try,but no promises right now,i know it would be the right thing to do though.
I have been married twice,both women a treasure to my heart,irregardless of what has transpired since.Here life has been good to me,both of them,are special,and brightened my life.I had 3 boys with Carol,my first wife,and Donna had 3 girls and a boy when we got married.Now this would lead you to believe that i have a large family,but reality can be a bitch.this has got to be one of longest blogs ever,hahaha.
Carol and i met,while i was out with my father,his girl and her sister.She could not dance and after asking her permission to ask someone,i ended up asking carol.An hour later i told my father i was going to marry carol and damned if i didnt.I was in the navy at the time,carol moved down to norfolk,va,to be with me,and also brought my sister who stayed with us.i was proudly serving in the submarine force,which meant i was not home a lot,including the birth of our first son marino.Carol could not deal with me being gone so much so i left the service to keep my family.we had our next son about a year later,times were rough,and though we were making it i was scared that i was a failure.At least in taking care of my family,seemed like we could never get ahead.Carols dad would call her and tell her i was not doing to well and though she supported me,i felt like a failure.I had a next door neighbor,who i helped set up his place for him and his girl,a real good friend,i thought,and we did a real stupid thing.Robbed a bank.I did my time ,Carol moved up north,with the boys,life was all messed up.Pleaded with that girl for a divorce,to no avail,i snuck up to see her the blizzard of 78,talk about being scared,thought i was gonna screw my probation up,but got lucky and she got got pregnant with mikey.eventually got my probation transferred,moved up to massachusetts.Got a job building custom fire trucks,loved it,then the company closed and i dont remember what job i took next but i also started going to school at night,college,to get a business degree.Come home one night cops are there,my in-laws who lived across the street,next thing i know, i cant see the wife or kids,and have to call my dad so i have a place to stay.Carol had,had a nervous breakdown,she was instituted for a period of time,and my life went to hell.The night of the break down,she had made some accusations,later cleared up,due to her trauma but messed my head up for sure.i could not see the boys for awhile,i did send them gifts and stuff.i guess this is when my drinking got bad,i was not a bad drunk,i just dont remember a night i diid not drink or something.We talked on the phone,infrequently,i was promoted to an office manager,and opened offices including one in Decatur,Al..While there,a friend calls me to tell me Carol is going out of control,partying all the time.Now let me state,Carol was the most loving mother you could ever want,if there was anything i was sure of,it was her love for our children.In a state of shock,i call the main office tell them there is an emergency and leave.I stayed at a friends house,went to see carol and the kids,spent some time with the kids and made arrangements to come back in a couple of days.When i returned,no Carol,no kids,to make a long story short,i tried the state offices,in-laws,etc,no luck.I tried for years to find out what happened,eventually i learned she had given the kids up to the state,and proceeded on a life of her own.I dont hold her responsible,she has had problems with breakdowns,due to her childhood,and has done the best she knows how.The damage to myself,i wont ever know in reality,i drank,partied,kinda gave up on life,money was no problem,i always seemed to do o.k.,i think i just got lost,i never stopped trying to find my kids but the laws where a lot different then,thank god these things dont happen today.
The effect this had on my life caused one of my worst decisions though.I met a wonderful woman,a soul mate i now believe,we lived together,life was simply marvelous.I dont recollect us ever arguing,with the exception of one thing.i got her pregnant.I insisted on an abortion,to my regret,which she got.At the time it seemed like the best thing with my history of being a father,i did not want to take the chance of being a failure again.I seem to be my worst enemy,sometime afterwards she told me that she was going up to visit her folks,for a couple of days.She went up and visited,i did some thinking while she was gone,and when we met i kept getting all teary eyed while we were having dinner out.She kept asking what was wrong,i told her that i thought we should break up,using all these reasons,i did not think it was working out.It turns out,she had gone to spend time with her parents,and to reflect on the decision if i was the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.She came back,with her mind made up we were right for one another,i destroyed her heart,and cost myself one of the best persons in my life.The abortion,i think had some to do with it,and i have never stopped wondering.
My second wife,Donna,we are still married,love her but its not the same as it used to be.we have been together for 20 years and thats a lot of travel through lifes road.She has 4 wonderful children,adults in their own right now.With my background,my failures,and due to the fact their father was still alive,i made a vow to the children.I would never try to be their father,but a friend i would be,i also promised them i would stay until the youngest was at least an adult.i am only going to touch on this briefly but between the time i was 11 and i believe 18,my mother got married 4 times,my father 3 times,and you thought you had me figured out,hahahaha.seriously though,i had very little use for step parents and did not want the children to go through things i had seen.I guess we never realize when we are dealing with people the true ramifications of decisions we make until time,and usually a lot of it has passed.All those years,beautiful memories,life shared with them,always trying to do the right thing,set the right example,making sure they know my support for them was there.I swear i really did do the best,for them,in my eyes.i tried to the extreme and failed,Always trying to keep up to the standards i felt my father would be proud of,placing them and their mother ahead of myself.It has not been a smooth road,i have been sober over 20 years,but did other things occasionally.Donna compares our life to a roller coaster and i can not disagree,even i am tired of the ups and downs.Life,the things it can through at you is simply amazing,its curves flip me out.here i cant talk too much,there is too much that can cause collateral damage.In this relationship with this family i have learned the most awesome beautys of love and experienced the hell love can cause.Sometimes i feel like i am the living expression of one of Dantes paintings.I am only going to touch on a couple of things here,or you would be reading a book,hahahaha.Why do we do the things we do,sometimes there is no answer,or the fear of the answer is too much for us.One of the most wonderful things that happened in my life was STORMY,i have written a blog on her already,so if interested you should just read it.Quite simply,she was christenes,first child,notice i dont say my grandchild.here is part of my problem,i do love her to death and will be eternally grateful to her for opening my heart.She is not my blood,i feel hypocritical saying this,for at this time of my life the only other child i could love more would be the child of a union that will never be.My personal hell,maybe the emptiness of what my life will be.All the girls have children now,Linda 2,Christene 4 and Michelle 1,you know its funny,i must have done something right,the girls could not wait to get married,I have always felt they saw how great their mothers and i relationship was and they felt marriage was the answer,Scotty,being the youngest watched us start to show the chinks in our relationship,and is holding out.I dont know what my problem is,probably why i am writing this,hahaha.The short version is simple,i no longer am a part of their life,Donna,has spent more time away from home,babysitting for the kids and spending time in Boston,then actually living here.Long distance relationship i guess.The kids are all grown have their own lives and with the exception of Scotty,who lives at home,i never hear from them.On top of all that my business is almost bankrupt,living day to day,and i feel so detached from everyone.They have started having a family dinner once a week,to which i am never invited,the pain over that i am learning to deal with.The photos on f/b just reinforce the pain.When my business got bad,it scared the hell out of me,i had a little bit of money,that went,and i could not even afford gas to go visit the kids.then everytime i had a little extra cash something would come up,i have never been so grateful i pay cash,no credit here,or i would have been completely wiped out.As i sit here i recall 2 things,Rocky telling me that little rocky missed me,and how last christmas Linda and Christene,came over to see me.Since then my finances have gotten worse,and life,well it seems hardly worthwhile anymore.Maybe i am selfish,i admit sometimes i think so,i sit in this empty house,constrained by my finances,restrained by inability to reach out,after being rebuffed.i am sure you know by now i dont do hurt too well or know how to deal with it,except to isolate away from the ones who hurt me.Knock,knock,why isnt anyone there?Adrift,alone,receding from life,this scares the hell out of me,and the worst part is seeing it ,knowing it and accepting it.
Candle light in my dark,i now talk with my son mikey occasionally,him and his brother marino,we met and all was good enough that we talk.Marino,he is doing time,has about 18 more months to go and maybe if i can pull my head out of my ass,we can pick up the pieces.Carol,calls occasionally,we actually have a good time on the phone,and i still love her,she has been through a lot and is still keeping up the good fight.gotta respect that,plus she never told the boys anything bad about me.Love,i am an emotional person,i can not deny the love i feel,wont deny it,God knows i have tried to bury it,keep it from showing,i will not deny it though,sometimes its pain is all that tells me i still exist,to keep up the fight.LONELY,DISTRAUGHT AND SAD,YES!!!!!I am only myself,with all my faults,loving so much,screaming from the pain and REFUSING TO BELIEVE TOMORROW WILL BE THE SAME,FOR AS AN EMOTIONAL AND ROMANTIC PERSON,I STILL BELIEVE IN THE PROMISE OF A NEW DAY,WHO KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING,MAYBE LOVE WILL NOT HIDE ITSELF FROM ME.
Family,people in our life,sometimes the ones who appear to be strongest,without the crossbeams supporting us in love,fall into that dark place,and it can be an endless journey,devoid of light.
First,i miss my father so much,missing him,has also opened my eyes to other relationships,but there is no substitution for him.I believe i built my life, psychologically,around a very simple idea,how would my father have handled it?My father was definitely a mortal man with all his faults and mistakes that he made in life,He was also very humane,loving and did the best he could.Maybe not the best others would think,but damn sure good enough for me.Rough times we definitely had,misunderstandings,bad times between us too,love was the glue,and an acceptance for one another,as the person we were,at that time,carried us through.Most of my life,decisions i made were based simply on,what i thought my father would do,because he always seemed to have all the answers.In addition the thought of him being there,hell it gave me the courage to try,even if failure loomed large,simply because his love for me would still be there if i did screw up.
My mother,still living,down the street from me as a matter of fact,we dont talk much,even though my wife pushes me to.I am trying to get better at it though,simply put,i dont trust her.What a story she could write about her life,definately interesting enough and life has not been easy for her either.I have a younger,brother and sister,i swear they can not hate her enough,which is where we differ.Acceptance,i dont neccessairly like her or things that she has done in the past,i simply accept that she is who she is and love her for the times before our lives got crazy,it does not mean i forgot the bad things or times,i learned a lot,good and bad from her,i simply accept the fact that we all have made bad decisions in our lives,accept her for who she is today and try not to get caught up in her webs of manipulation.She really is very good at what she does,hahaha.
Brother and sister,both younger and neither in my life,that i will admit probably has a lot to do with me,unfortunately.Love them both,think of them both probably about once a week,desire to get a closre relationship but,where to start.My brother,he really is a good person,sets a lot of importance on his family and gives them 110%,you have to respect that.Out of the 3 of us he is probably the best example for normalcy,and has done pretty good for himself and his.We actually got along pretty well,though he disagreed about some things in my life,which i will say he would end up being right about.We basically have just a few things that ripped us apart.one his hatred for my mother and sister,he lived with our father for a time and my sis lived with her mother.He,maybe correctly felt my mother was a bad influence,that my sis picked up her bad ways and the fact that she led a very rebellious life under my fathers roof and when she hit the streets on her own,did not help either.Of course there is more,but thats the basics.Naturally being the oldest,both of them tried to play me to the others disadvantage,and then both of them would gang up on mom,crazy huh,thats basically how our lives were.The final straw came about when i thought he betrayed my trust in him.He had been good enough to come down south and work with me,so i could build my business up,after all was going good i put him on salary and was told he would go to his sons football practices and games,when he was supposed to be at work,Pissed off and hurt,i alienated him,my bad,there are better ways to do things and i shut him out of my life.My worst attribute,that of cutting people completely out of my life,when the hurt is so bad,has cost me dearly.Much older and a little wiser now,i have learned there are alternates,then it was the only way i could rest assured of not getting hurt,by the same person too many times.I love and miss him,i just dont know if i can undo the damage i have caused or if i can handle the rejection by him,plus,my life is pretty shitty right now and i hate looking bad.
My sister,lordy,lordy,i feel for her,life,even though she has to take a lot of the responsibility,has sucked for her.Out of the 3 of us,she has fared the worse,our relationship,god knows has been a mess.That poor girl has not caught a break her entire life and unfortunately i cant say i was much help.Back in the day,we were both party animals,just out for the good time and when i finally got my life togther,i left the state.She always looked up to me and i know i let her down,when we discovered our mother was still alive we met in california for the first time in years and i was so caught up in myself i was not much help to her either.Then she would call here and i would brush her off,which was not good on my part.I have tried to talk with her on f/b but she dose not get on it very often.The phone well that seems like a good idea and maybe i will try,but no promises right now,i know it would be the right thing to do though.
I have been married twice,both women a treasure to my heart,irregardless of what has transpired since.Here life has been good to me,both of them,are special,and brightened my life.I had 3 boys with Carol,my first wife,and Donna had 3 girls and a boy when we got married.Now this would lead you to believe that i have a large family,but reality can be a bitch.this has got to be one of longest blogs ever,hahaha.
Carol and i met,while i was out with my father,his girl and her sister.She could not dance and after asking her permission to ask someone,i ended up asking carol.An hour later i told my father i was going to marry carol and damned if i didnt.I was in the navy at the time,carol moved down to norfolk,va,to be with me,and also brought my sister who stayed with us.i was proudly serving in the submarine force,which meant i was not home a lot,including the birth of our first son marino.Carol could not deal with me being gone so much so i left the service to keep my family.we had our next son about a year later,times were rough,and though we were making it i was scared that i was a failure.At least in taking care of my family,seemed like we could never get ahead.Carols dad would call her and tell her i was not doing to well and though she supported me,i felt like a failure.I had a next door neighbor,who i helped set up his place for him and his girl,a real good friend,i thought,and we did a real stupid thing.Robbed a bank.I did my time ,Carol moved up north,with the boys,life was all messed up.Pleaded with that girl for a divorce,to no avail,i snuck up to see her the blizzard of 78,talk about being scared,thought i was gonna screw my probation up,but got lucky and she got got pregnant with mikey.eventually got my probation transferred,moved up to massachusetts.Got a job building custom fire trucks,loved it,then the company closed and i dont remember what job i took next but i also started going to school at night,college,to get a business degree.Come home one night cops are there,my in-laws who lived across the street,next thing i know, i cant see the wife or kids,and have to call my dad so i have a place to stay.Carol had,had a nervous breakdown,she was instituted for a period of time,and my life went to hell.The night of the break down,she had made some accusations,later cleared up,due to her trauma but messed my head up for sure.i could not see the boys for awhile,i did send them gifts and stuff.i guess this is when my drinking got bad,i was not a bad drunk,i just dont remember a night i diid not drink or something.We talked on the phone,infrequently,i was promoted to an office manager,and opened offices including one in Decatur,Al..While there,a friend calls me to tell me Carol is going out of control,partying all the time.Now let me state,Carol was the most loving mother you could ever want,if there was anything i was sure of,it was her love for our children.In a state of shock,i call the main office tell them there is an emergency and leave.I stayed at a friends house,went to see carol and the kids,spent some time with the kids and made arrangements to come back in a couple of days.When i returned,no Carol,no kids,to make a long story short,i tried the state offices,in-laws,etc,no luck.I tried for years to find out what happened,eventually i learned she had given the kids up to the state,and proceeded on a life of her own.I dont hold her responsible,she has had problems with breakdowns,due to her childhood,and has done the best she knows how.The damage to myself,i wont ever know in reality,i drank,partied,kinda gave up on life,money was no problem,i always seemed to do o.k.,i think i just got lost,i never stopped trying to find my kids but the laws where a lot different then,thank god these things dont happen today.
The effect this had on my life caused one of my worst decisions though.I met a wonderful woman,a soul mate i now believe,we lived together,life was simply marvelous.I dont recollect us ever arguing,with the exception of one thing.i got her pregnant.I insisted on an abortion,to my regret,which she got.At the time it seemed like the best thing with my history of being a father,i did not want to take the chance of being a failure again.I seem to be my worst enemy,sometime afterwards she told me that she was going up to visit her folks,for a couple of days.She went up and visited,i did some thinking while she was gone,and when we met i kept getting all teary eyed while we were having dinner out.She kept asking what was wrong,i told her that i thought we should break up,using all these reasons,i did not think it was working out.It turns out,she had gone to spend time with her parents,and to reflect on the decision if i was the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.She came back,with her mind made up we were right for one another,i destroyed her heart,and cost myself one of the best persons in my life.The abortion,i think had some to do with it,and i have never stopped wondering.
My second wife,Donna,we are still married,love her but its not the same as it used to be.we have been together for 20 years and thats a lot of travel through lifes road.She has 4 wonderful children,adults in their own right now.With my background,my failures,and due to the fact their father was still alive,i made a vow to the children.I would never try to be their father,but a friend i would be,i also promised them i would stay until the youngest was at least an adult.i am only going to touch on this briefly but between the time i was 11 and i believe 18,my mother got married 4 times,my father 3 times,and you thought you had me figured out,hahahaha.seriously though,i had very little use for step parents and did not want the children to go through things i had seen.I guess we never realize when we are dealing with people the true ramifications of decisions we make until time,and usually a lot of it has passed.All those years,beautiful memories,life shared with them,always trying to do the right thing,set the right example,making sure they know my support for them was there.I swear i really did do the best,for them,in my eyes.i tried to the extreme and failed,Always trying to keep up to the standards i felt my father would be proud of,placing them and their mother ahead of myself.It has not been a smooth road,i have been sober over 20 years,but did other things occasionally.Donna compares our life to a roller coaster and i can not disagree,even i am tired of the ups and downs.Life,the things it can through at you is simply amazing,its curves flip me out.here i cant talk too much,there is too much that can cause collateral damage.In this relationship with this family i have learned the most awesome beautys of love and experienced the hell love can cause.Sometimes i feel like i am the living expression of one of Dantes paintings.I am only going to touch on a couple of things here,or you would be reading a book,hahahaha.Why do we do the things we do,sometimes there is no answer,or the fear of the answer is too much for us.One of the most wonderful things that happened in my life was STORMY,i have written a blog on her already,so if interested you should just read it.Quite simply,she was christenes,first child,notice i dont say my grandchild.here is part of my problem,i do love her to death and will be eternally grateful to her for opening my heart.She is not my blood,i feel hypocritical saying this,for at this time of my life the only other child i could love more would be the child of a union that will never be.My personal hell,maybe the emptiness of what my life will be.All the girls have children now,Linda 2,Christene 4 and Michelle 1,you know its funny,i must have done something right,the girls could not wait to get married,I have always felt they saw how great their mothers and i relationship was and they felt marriage was the answer,Scotty,being the youngest watched us start to show the chinks in our relationship,and is holding out.I dont know what my problem is,probably why i am writing this,hahaha.The short version is simple,i no longer am a part of their life,Donna,has spent more time away from home,babysitting for the kids and spending time in Boston,then actually living here.Long distance relationship i guess.The kids are all grown have their own lives and with the exception of Scotty,who lives at home,i never hear from them.On top of all that my business is almost bankrupt,living day to day,and i feel so detached from everyone.They have started having a family dinner once a week,to which i am never invited,the pain over that i am learning to deal with.The photos on f/b just reinforce the pain.When my business got bad,it scared the hell out of me,i had a little bit of money,that went,and i could not even afford gas to go visit the kids.then everytime i had a little extra cash something would come up,i have never been so grateful i pay cash,no credit here,or i would have been completely wiped out.As i sit here i recall 2 things,Rocky telling me that little rocky missed me,and how last christmas Linda and Christene,came over to see me.Since then my finances have gotten worse,and life,well it seems hardly worthwhile anymore.Maybe i am selfish,i admit sometimes i think so,i sit in this empty house,constrained by my finances,restrained by inability to reach out,after being rebuffed.i am sure you know by now i dont do hurt too well or know how to deal with it,except to isolate away from the ones who hurt me.Knock,knock,why isnt anyone there?Adrift,alone,receding from life,this scares the hell out of me,and the worst part is seeing it ,knowing it and accepting it.
Candle light in my dark,i now talk with my son mikey occasionally,him and his brother marino,we met and all was good enough that we talk.Marino,he is doing time,has about 18 more months to go and maybe if i can pull my head out of my ass,we can pick up the pieces.Carol,calls occasionally,we actually have a good time on the phone,and i still love her,she has been through a lot and is still keeping up the good fight.gotta respect that,plus she never told the boys anything bad about me.Love,i am an emotional person,i can not deny the love i feel,wont deny it,God knows i have tried to bury it,keep it from showing,i will not deny it though,sometimes its pain is all that tells me i still exist,to keep up the fight.LONELY,DISTRAUGHT AND SAD,YES!!!!!I am only myself,with all my faults,loving so much,screaming from the pain and REFUSING TO BELIEVE TOMORROW WILL BE THE SAME,FOR AS AN EMOTIONAL AND ROMANTIC PERSON,I STILL BELIEVE IN THE PROMISE OF A NEW DAY,WHO KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING,MAYBE LOVE WILL NOT HIDE ITSELF FROM ME.
Family,people in our life,sometimes the ones who appear to be strongest,without the crossbeams supporting us in love,fall into that dark place,and it can be an endless journey,devoid of light.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
r u shocked
Well,well back i am,little late,but better late then later,hehehe.Actually just cant sleep,so lets give this a shot.Emotion,thats a powerful subject,and it should be easy since i am an emotional person.Logic does intervene,occasionally,i admit gratefully or i would be worse off then i am.
Am i that bad off?Financially, i guess i am but then i think of people who are living on the street and i realize,it could be a whole lot worse.i am confident that things will get better,though i admit fear has now entered my world. Invulnerability,is now a thing of the past,the grey misty cloak that has penetrated my armor,called insecurity,attacks me with no thoroughfare.Questions arise,casting shadowy spears into my thoughts,unprovoked,doubt tugs at me,creating a maelstrom of ideas,where there should be none,playing with the new fragility of self.This is the most difficult thing,to regain my belief in self,that shining knight of old,reflecting all thoughts of doubt with the brilliance of my belief in self.Morals,ethics,a belief that the world even unknown to itself,was balanced,karma,some would say.Believing in doing the right thing would be the right thing,a glorious sunburst of righteousness,.David and Goliath,only David is now a little shaky and Goliath,damn he has not fallen yet.I have not finished this struggle,i wonder if it is a fear of failing,will it all be for naught?Stepping up to the plate,i have wound up my arm,relaxed,going for strike 2,tense with the fear of throwing myself a curve. Hesitation,is it due to my my fear of failure,the collapse of this fragile glass bridge,composed of my beliefs,or that the force of my opponents hit upon my throw will shatter my bridge.Shards of bright colored glass,my beliefs,spearing their way into a dark chasm,sucking out the colors,melting the glass,absorbing it into the dark,a loss for which there is no cure.A loss of self.I have tasted fear,to swallow it,would be evidence of my weakness,i spit it out,trembling for the residue remains,reflection of my fear,of showing my fear,pushing me to show i have no fear,while i tremble inside,truthful to my self.
All that pent up,this thing with kroger,it will be the death of me but i cant let go,i am right!that is not how the world works,i have discovered,maybe i will not come out ahead,but i will be the mouse that roared and was heard.
Home,pictures fill my eyes,scenes of pictures,my mind throws them with no apparent order,random thoughts from all directions.Sad,for it is what it is and change will only occur if i am strong enough to believe in myself to attempt change.Beautiful memories, kaleidoscopes of smiles,different faces,warmth of yesteryear,sadness in todays home.logic,who is there,where did i go so wrong,a shell,emptiness staring at me in every direction,the void of what was sucked into a small pinprick,lost somewhere in here,hidden to my eyes.Emotion,a home empty of,house devoid of,is just a house.Is this why,i think of doing something creative with it but there is no drive,nothing but the idea,has my home become a house,a parody of self,a body empty of the juice of life,love.Treasures,surround me,treasures of warm times,laughter,emotions running a gauntlet called life,love caressing objects of no importance to others,its jewels born of love inspired moments captured in my heart.House,a box of treasues,gazed upon by a shell,emptiness,sadness,i laugh at myself,sarcastically.Would i not be happier,the moment of truth,in a box,on a street,cursing the rain,soaking our home,looking at you,seeing your smile,laughing at the beauty of you,happy in just being with you.Home,i am discovering more and more what it truly means,and sadly what is not home.
Family,may god have mercy on me,for i believe i have none.This i know is not true and some do care and i know i am not the a good example,i am just so tired of not being a part of.I dont even know what to do about it,i have shielded myself from getting hurt or not showing my pain,i dont know how to change.Do i go start over somewhere,would those concerned be happier,do i stay,feeling less then,insignificant in lives important to me.Choice,truth is it is my choice,frozen,like a deer in the headlights,the outcome,not matter i choose,my,my biggest gamble.To live i must make a decision,or existence will be just that,an existence, bereft of love,Life,my life,the incurable romantic,is more,i hope.Fear,can i overcome its paralysis of self,scared i am afraid i will bolt in the wrong direction,to be be hit by the car.So afraid,so afraid of getting older,looking back,seeing myself frozen still,devoid of feeling,for at one time i lived.
Am i that bad off?Financially, i guess i am but then i think of people who are living on the street and i realize,it could be a whole lot worse.i am confident that things will get better,though i admit fear has now entered my world. Invulnerability,is now a thing of the past,the grey misty cloak that has penetrated my armor,called insecurity,attacks me with no thoroughfare.Questions arise,casting shadowy spears into my thoughts,unprovoked,doubt tugs at me,creating a maelstrom of ideas,where there should be none,playing with the new fragility of self.This is the most difficult thing,to regain my belief in self,that shining knight of old,reflecting all thoughts of doubt with the brilliance of my belief in self.Morals,ethics,a belief that the world even unknown to itself,was balanced,karma,some would say.Believing in doing the right thing would be the right thing,a glorious sunburst of righteousness,.David and Goliath,only David is now a little shaky and Goliath,damn he has not fallen yet.I have not finished this struggle,i wonder if it is a fear of failing,will it all be for naught?Stepping up to the plate,i have wound up my arm,relaxed,going for strike 2,tense with the fear of throwing myself a curve. Hesitation,is it due to my my fear of failure,the collapse of this fragile glass bridge,composed of my beliefs,or that the force of my opponents hit upon my throw will shatter my bridge.Shards of bright colored glass,my beliefs,spearing their way into a dark chasm,sucking out the colors,melting the glass,absorbing it into the dark,a loss for which there is no cure.A loss of self.I have tasted fear,to swallow it,would be evidence of my weakness,i spit it out,trembling for the residue remains,reflection of my fear,of showing my fear,pushing me to show i have no fear,while i tremble inside,truthful to my self.
All that pent up,this thing with kroger,it will be the death of me but i cant let go,i am right!that is not how the world works,i have discovered,maybe i will not come out ahead,but i will be the mouse that roared and was heard.
Home,pictures fill my eyes,scenes of pictures,my mind throws them with no apparent order,random thoughts from all directions.Sad,for it is what it is and change will only occur if i am strong enough to believe in myself to attempt change.Beautiful memories, kaleidoscopes of smiles,different faces,warmth of yesteryear,sadness in todays home.logic,who is there,where did i go so wrong,a shell,emptiness staring at me in every direction,the void of what was sucked into a small pinprick,lost somewhere in here,hidden to my eyes.Emotion,a home empty of,house devoid of,is just a house.Is this why,i think of doing something creative with it but there is no drive,nothing but the idea,has my home become a house,a parody of self,a body empty of the juice of life,love.Treasures,surround me,treasures of warm times,laughter,emotions running a gauntlet called life,love caressing objects of no importance to others,its jewels born of love inspired moments captured in my heart.House,a box of treasues,gazed upon by a shell,emptiness,sadness,i laugh at myself,sarcastically.Would i not be happier,the moment of truth,in a box,on a street,cursing the rain,soaking our home,looking at you,seeing your smile,laughing at the beauty of you,happy in just being with you.Home,i am discovering more and more what it truly means,and sadly what is not home.
Family,may god have mercy on me,for i believe i have none.This i know is not true and some do care and i know i am not the a good example,i am just so tired of not being a part of.I dont even know what to do about it,i have shielded myself from getting hurt or not showing my pain,i dont know how to change.Do i go start over somewhere,would those concerned be happier,do i stay,feeling less then,insignificant in lives important to me.Choice,truth is it is my choice,frozen,like a deer in the headlights,the outcome,not matter i choose,my,my biggest gamble.To live i must make a decision,or existence will be just that,an existence, bereft of love,Life,my life,the incurable romantic,is more,i hope.Fear,can i overcome its paralysis of self,scared i am afraid i will bolt in the wrong direction,to be be hit by the car.So afraid,so afraid of getting older,looking back,seeing myself frozen still,devoid of feeling,for at one time i lived.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
events of this month
It has been an interesting month.since i dont have the worlds best memory,i am going to work my way backwards.today,i lost a hundred dollar bill,which totally screwed up my week.I just got my check,was out paying bills and stuff,WHAM,went to pay for battery and noticed it missing.Dont know what i will do but i will have to come up with something or electricity shut off on 28th.
We had problems with wife's truck earlier last week,bought a new starter,could not get it on and came to find out,the problem was the battery.Took starter back,got refund,went to walmart,paid for battery,and upon returning the old one discovered money was missing.Oh me,oh my,how quick everything can go to hell,hehehe.i am only laughing because its that or cry,which wont help at all.i will have to figure someting out by this evening as now i don't have enough for gas to go to work.Enough on that.
Work was pretty good,not very much,unfortunately,but i had a store that needed extra work,resurfacing on parking lot destroyed floor and felt guilty as it looked yellowish last time,so i went ahead and stripped it this time,no extra charge,i am sure the company knows whats going on but did it for myself.Then check was not wrote till today so broke all week,life is funny isnt it?If check had been on time,oh well,still my bad money lost.
Kids had their weekly family dinner,no invite,was ok till i saw pictures posted on facebook,talk about knowing my place in their life,well i guess i will have to deal with it.They have their own lives,my day has come and gone.Another lesson learned,why is it always too late when i learn my lesson,hehehe.NO,it really isnt funny,what you gonna do?Punt.
Spinakers and La Velas last w/e,doing my dancing thing,hahahaha.Spinakers was pretty good,people are talking to me more and it is becoming more social,not a lot,better then not knowing anyone though.Went there Friday and Sunday,band was ok,nothing to write home about but good,and i did come out of my shell dancing to dj mix in rock arena,couple of times.La Velas,ughhh,,i was pissed,actually,had a good time dancing on platform overlooking the dance floor.the flooring was clear plastic and had some give to it,so was COMFY,on my feet.Danced so hard thought i was gonna have a heart attack,hehehe.It was a weird kinda power trip dancing above all the people on the floor,and observing them staring up at me,kinda cool actually.Some came up afterwards,but i just kinda ran away,hehehe.I had gone there to see Nappy Roots and dissapointment dosent even cover the performance.They were late and unprofessional,what a let down,so called it an early night and went home,i still had a good time though.
Week before,did xlanes on the coast,borrowed 15.00 off sal and started 2 new stores.The owner of dodges chicken was upset about the how dirty his floors were in Ft.Walton and Pensacola,so d.m. gave me the work,thanks rich,.That enabled me to pay the mortgage,YEAH,and pay some other things we needed to catch up on.Times are rough,it teaches a new appreciation for money and any extra work you can get.i spoke to my son mikey a little and he has a real,REAL,job,so kinda proud of him.He also has a new squeeze,what else is new,but he is happy and i am happy for him.
Before i forget,got a letter from my eldest son,Marino ,says he got transferred to another camp,monticello and i guess i will be visiting him there as soon as the paperwork gets straight.I was surprised when he told me he only has another 18 months,time flies,thats good though.Hoping that he will be able to stay here on his release.I worry,not sure if i am doing the right thing for the right reason,i want to know him better,always thought he was kinda cool,just dont know if i am being selfish,at any rate hopefully business will be better and he can work with me.
Thats about it,the previous week work was ok and i wrote about the w/e concert,so not much else to talk about,tomorrow i will post another blog on emotional roller coaster of this month,but this is a wrap.Sooner or later i will get camera or video to start putting stuff up with my blog,no i have not forgot or stopped loving you,just at a loss at what to do about life right now.More tomorrow,later,me
We had problems with wife's truck earlier last week,bought a new starter,could not get it on and came to find out,the problem was the battery.Took starter back,got refund,went to walmart,paid for battery,and upon returning the old one discovered money was missing.Oh me,oh my,how quick everything can go to hell,hehehe.i am only laughing because its that or cry,which wont help at all.i will have to figure someting out by this evening as now i don't have enough for gas to go to work.Enough on that.
Work was pretty good,not very much,unfortunately,but i had a store that needed extra work,resurfacing on parking lot destroyed floor and felt guilty as it looked yellowish last time,so i went ahead and stripped it this time,no extra charge,i am sure the company knows whats going on but did it for myself.Then check was not wrote till today so broke all week,life is funny isnt it?If check had been on time,oh well,still my bad money lost.
Kids had their weekly family dinner,no invite,was ok till i saw pictures posted on facebook,talk about knowing my place in their life,well i guess i will have to deal with it.They have their own lives,my day has come and gone.Another lesson learned,why is it always too late when i learn my lesson,hehehe.NO,it really isnt funny,what you gonna do?Punt.
Spinakers and La Velas last w/e,doing my dancing thing,hahahaha.Spinakers was pretty good,people are talking to me more and it is becoming more social,not a lot,better then not knowing anyone though.Went there Friday and Sunday,band was ok,nothing to write home about but good,and i did come out of my shell dancing to dj mix in rock arena,couple of times.La Velas,ughhh,,i was pissed,actually,had a good time dancing on platform overlooking the dance floor.the flooring was clear plastic and had some give to it,so was COMFY,on my feet.Danced so hard thought i was gonna have a heart attack,hehehe.It was a weird kinda power trip dancing above all the people on the floor,and observing them staring up at me,kinda cool actually.Some came up afterwards,but i just kinda ran away,hehehe.I had gone there to see Nappy Roots and dissapointment dosent even cover the performance.They were late and unprofessional,what a let down,so called it an early night and went home,i still had a good time though.
Week before,did xlanes on the coast,borrowed 15.00 off sal and started 2 new stores.The owner of dodges chicken was upset about the how dirty his floors were in Ft.Walton and Pensacola,so d.m. gave me the work,thanks rich,.That enabled me to pay the mortgage,YEAH,and pay some other things we needed to catch up on.Times are rough,it teaches a new appreciation for money and any extra work you can get.i spoke to my son mikey a little and he has a real,REAL,job,so kinda proud of him.He also has a new squeeze,what else is new,but he is happy and i am happy for him.
Before i forget,got a letter from my eldest son,Marino ,says he got transferred to another camp,monticello and i guess i will be visiting him there as soon as the paperwork gets straight.I was surprised when he told me he only has another 18 months,time flies,thats good though.Hoping that he will be able to stay here on his release.I worry,not sure if i am doing the right thing for the right reason,i want to know him better,always thought he was kinda cool,just dont know if i am being selfish,at any rate hopefully business will be better and he can work with me.
Thats about it,the previous week work was ok and i wrote about the w/e concert,so not much else to talk about,tomorrow i will post another blog on emotional roller coaster of this month,but this is a wrap.Sooner or later i will get camera or video to start putting stuff up with my blog,no i have not forgot or stopped loving you,just at a loss at what to do about life right now.More tomorrow,later,me
Saturday, August 4, 2012
you cant handle the truth
I woke up soooo late,i probably needed it but what a waste of a saturday,must have been 3 when i finally woke.Set alarm for 10 did not recall it going off. Depression,so hard to fight sometimes,especially when you know no one else to blame but you.Life,my life is such a mess,seems like everything i have touched with love has turned into a disaster.Quit,i don't really think of myself as a quitter,but too many nights,i find myself driving down dark roads,going to work,wishing a truck would sideswipe me,or that the van would flip over.The one thing that stops me is who would take care of the ones i care for,not that they are incapable of taking care of themselves,just that sometimes i like to feel necessary.Plus i have no insurance and i would not do that to my wife,no matter how bad it got.
My blog, isn't getting many hits now,or i would not be so honest.So i guess i finally got my own space,with some regret.Financially,i am ruined,i want to say i keep trying,honestly,i know that i am not doing my best.IT is like i just want to surrender,just don't know how,i have never given up in things,it seems i have lost the ability to fight.Tears are welling in my eyes,i hate seeing myself putting down these words,so berefit of hope,lost in a world,i created myself,dark clouds of oppression and doubt,hovering over the rest of my life.where do i go from here?i don't have any idea,failed at love,financially impoverished,sinking into a muddy whirlpool,with just enough fight to keep from drowning in self pity.
Excuses, excuses,reasons i give myself,for this and that,insecure enough that even i doubt my explanations.Am i being realistic,honest with myself or are they simply avenues with enough truth to hide behind or deceive myself,on this road we call life.It is humorous,one statement i always remembered,is this,YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH,is this the place i find myself at now.Self doubt,the destroyer,i can fight almost anything as long as i believe in myself,to lose faith in me, that's scary,no other way to put it.Have i believed too much in my beliefs,watching their destruction,has it made me reach that point of no return.loss of all,not once but repeatedly,have i reached the breaking point.
Love,the one thing that i always have had faith in,is it a dream,made impotent,by life's harsher realities.Money,i have none,no retirement,me,the man that alwayts believed he would be the artisan of floor care,my time is at an end,what do i do now?It is not that there is not work,clerk,janitor,jobs that require no skill,if i have to i guess i will do it.Not like i have much choice,we have to live.Living,without joy seems like slavery,an existence similar to a machine.It suffices for others,i quite simply am scared of becoming an automaton,simply existing.No love,to oil the machinations of existence,motions friction,grinding away my core,dreams winking out,a shell,its there,until being crushed under the footstep of a life,with no life.
Sadness,in my effort to be strong,i have alienated myself,who would believe the pain i feel in being alone, bereft of love,i who endeavor to shower my love to others,to let them know someone cares,feel like the child, who cowers under the blanket afraid of the monsters in the dark.My fear is that of not being loved.i wonder when i die,my funeral,what will it be like,what memories will others have of me.I who had hoped to leave a legacy of love,fear to hear the conversations at my funeral.The terms,what if,if only he could have,to few of what would be considered positive.Where did i go wrong?
I went wrong in having believed in my own beliefs.There is no one and nothing else to blame,and you know,writing this i find i am not sorry.Sad,yes,lonely yes,confused yes,and scared of my future life.Damn it,i look back at my life as i write this,different,unique,hills and valleys,yes,but i have given much joy to peoples lives.i know i have also created pain but,never,never maliciously or with intent.I guess the biggest failure in my life,is love,i failed,devoid of it,life is empty,i always said without it life has no meaning,there just seems no reason for existence without it.Love,i try not to cry,fighting back tears,i believe in it so much,its the spice of living,without,it has no purpose.Solitary being that i am,the desire to be one with another,thats what life was all about,the knowledge i am alone,irregardless of my efforts,tells me,too much,love you,me,the end.?
My blog, isn't getting many hits now,or i would not be so honest.So i guess i finally got my own space,with some regret.Financially,i am ruined,i want to say i keep trying,honestly,i know that i am not doing my best.IT is like i just want to surrender,just don't know how,i have never given up in things,it seems i have lost the ability to fight.Tears are welling in my eyes,i hate seeing myself putting down these words,so berefit of hope,lost in a world,i created myself,dark clouds of oppression and doubt,hovering over the rest of my life.where do i go from here?i don't have any idea,failed at love,financially impoverished,sinking into a muddy whirlpool,with just enough fight to keep from drowning in self pity.
Excuses, excuses,reasons i give myself,for this and that,insecure enough that even i doubt my explanations.Am i being realistic,honest with myself or are they simply avenues with enough truth to hide behind or deceive myself,on this road we call life.It is humorous,one statement i always remembered,is this,YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH,is this the place i find myself at now.Self doubt,the destroyer,i can fight almost anything as long as i believe in myself,to lose faith in me, that's scary,no other way to put it.Have i believed too much in my beliefs,watching their destruction,has it made me reach that point of no return.loss of all,not once but repeatedly,have i reached the breaking point.
Love,the one thing that i always have had faith in,is it a dream,made impotent,by life's harsher realities.Money,i have none,no retirement,me,the man that alwayts believed he would be the artisan of floor care,my time is at an end,what do i do now?It is not that there is not work,clerk,janitor,jobs that require no skill,if i have to i guess i will do it.Not like i have much choice,we have to live.Living,without joy seems like slavery,an existence similar to a machine.It suffices for others,i quite simply am scared of becoming an automaton,simply existing.No love,to oil the machinations of existence,motions friction,grinding away my core,dreams winking out,a shell,its there,until being crushed under the footstep of a life,with no life.
Sadness,in my effort to be strong,i have alienated myself,who would believe the pain i feel in being alone, bereft of love,i who endeavor to shower my love to others,to let them know someone cares,feel like the child, who cowers under the blanket afraid of the monsters in the dark.My fear is that of not being loved.i wonder when i die,my funeral,what will it be like,what memories will others have of me.I who had hoped to leave a legacy of love,fear to hear the conversations at my funeral.The terms,what if,if only he could have,to few of what would be considered positive.Where did i go wrong?
I went wrong in having believed in my own beliefs.There is no one and nothing else to blame,and you know,writing this i find i am not sorry.Sad,yes,lonely yes,confused yes,and scared of my future life.Damn it,i look back at my life as i write this,different,unique,hills and valleys,yes,but i have given much joy to peoples lives.i know i have also created pain but,never,never maliciously or with intent.I guess the biggest failure in my life,is love,i failed,devoid of it,life is empty,i always said without it life has no meaning,there just seems no reason for existence without it.Love,i try not to cry,fighting back tears,i believe in it so much,its the spice of living,without,it has no purpose.Solitary being that i am,the desire to be one with another,thats what life was all about,the knowledge i am alone,irregardless of my efforts,tells me,too much,love you,me,the end.?
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