r u shocked

   Well,well back i am,little late,but better late then later,hehehe.Actually just cant sleep,so lets give this a shot.Emotion,thats a powerful subject,and it should be easy since i am an emotional person.Logic does intervene,occasionally,i admit gratefully or i would be worse off then i am.
   Am i that bad off?Financially, i guess i am but then i think of people who are living on the street and i realize,it could be a whole lot worse.i am confident that things will get better,though i admit fear has now entered my world. Invulnerability,is now a thing of the past,the grey misty cloak that has penetrated my armor,called insecurity,attacks me with no thoroughfare.Questions arise,casting shadowy spears into my thoughts,unprovoked,doubt tugs at me,creating a maelstrom of  ideas,where there should be none,playing with the new fragility of self.This is the most difficult thing,to regain my belief in self,that shining knight of old,reflecting all thoughts of doubt with the brilliance of my belief in self.Morals,ethics,a belief that the world even unknown to itself,was balanced,karma,some would say.Believing in doing the right thing would be the right thing,a glorious sunburst of righteousness,.David and Goliath,only David is now a little shaky and Goliath,damn he has not fallen yet.I have not finished this struggle,i wonder if it is a fear of failing,will it all be for naught?Stepping up to the plate,i have wound up my arm,relaxed,going for strike 2,tense with the fear of throwing myself a curve. Hesitation,is it due to my my fear of failure,the collapse of this fragile glass bridge,composed of my beliefs,or that the force of my opponents hit upon my throw will shatter my bridge.Shards of bright colored glass,my beliefs,spearing their way into a dark chasm,sucking out the colors,melting the glass,absorbing it into the dark,a loss for which there is no cure.A loss of self.I have tasted fear,to swallow it,would be evidence of my weakness,i spit it out,trembling for the residue remains,reflection of my fear,of showing my fear,pushing me to show i have no fear,while i tremble inside,truthful to my self.
   All that pent up,this thing with kroger,it will be the death of me but i cant let go,i am right!that is not how the world works,i have discovered,maybe i will not come out ahead,but i will be the mouse that roared and was heard.
    Home,pictures fill my eyes,scenes of pictures,my mind throws them with no apparent order,random thoughts from all directions.Sad,for it is what it is and change will only occur if i am strong enough to believe in myself to attempt change.Beautiful memories, kaleidoscopes of smiles,different faces,warmth of yesteryear,sadness in todays home.logic,who is there,where did i go so wrong,a shell,emptiness staring at me in every direction,the void of what was sucked  into a small pinprick,lost somewhere in here,hidden to my eyes.Emotion,a home empty of,house devoid of,is just a house.Is this why,i think of doing something creative  with it but there is no drive,nothing but the idea,has my home become a house,a parody of self,a body empty of the juice of life,love.Treasures,surround me,treasures of warm times,laughter,emotions running a gauntlet called life,love caressing objects of no importance to others,its jewels born of love inspired moments captured in my heart.House,a box of treasues,gazed upon by a shell,emptiness,sadness,i laugh at myself,sarcastically.Would i not be happier,the moment of truth,in a box,on a street,cursing the rain,soaking our home,looking at you,seeing your smile,laughing at the beauty of you,happy in just being with you.Home,i am discovering more and more what it truly means,and sadly what is not home.
   Family,may god have mercy on me,for i believe i have none.This i know is not true and some do care and i know i am not the a good example,i am just so tired of not being a part of.I dont even know what to do about it,i have shielded myself from getting hurt or not showing my pain,i dont know how to change.Do i go start over somewhere,would those concerned be happier,do i stay,feeling less then,insignificant in lives important to me.Choice,truth is it is my choice,frozen,like a deer in the headlights,the outcome,not matter i choose,my,my biggest gamble.To live i must make a decision,or existence will be just that,an existence, bereft of love,Life,my life,the incurable romantic,is more,i hope.Fear,can i overcome its paralysis of self,scared i am afraid i will bolt in the wrong direction,to be be hit by the car.So afraid,so afraid of getting older,looking back,seeing myself frozen still,devoid of feeling,for at one time i lived.