you cant handle the truth

  I woke up soooo late,i probably needed it but what a waste of a saturday,must have been 3 when i finally woke.Set alarm for 10 did not recall it going off. Depression,so hard to fight sometimes,especially when you know no one else to blame but you.Life,my life is such a mess,seems like everything i have touched with love has turned into a disaster.Quit,i don't really think of myself as a quitter,but too many nights,i find myself driving down dark roads,going to work,wishing a truck would sideswipe me,or that the van would flip over.The one thing that stops me is who would take care of the ones i care for,not that they are incapable of taking care of themselves,just that sometimes i like to feel necessary.Plus i have no insurance and i would not do that to my wife,no matter how bad it got.
   My blog, isn't getting many hits now,or i would not be so honest.So i guess i finally got my own space,with some regret.Financially,i am ruined,i want to say i keep trying,honestly,i know that i am not doing my best.IT is like i just want to surrender,just don't know how,i have never given up in things,it seems i have lost the ability to fight.Tears are welling in my eyes,i hate seeing myself putting down these words,so berefit of hope,lost in a world,i created myself,dark clouds of oppression and doubt,hovering over the rest of my life.where do i go from here?i don't have any idea,failed at love,financially impoverished,sinking into a muddy whirlpool,with just enough fight to keep from drowning in self pity.
  Excuses, excuses,reasons i give myself,for this and that,insecure enough that even i doubt my explanations.Am i being realistic,honest with myself or are they simply avenues with enough truth to hide behind or deceive myself,on this road we call life.It is humorous,one statement i always remembered,is this,YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH,is this the place i find myself at now.Self doubt,the destroyer,i can fight almost anything as long as i believe in myself,to lose faith in me, that's scary,no other way to put it.Have i believed too much in my beliefs,watching their destruction,has it made me reach that point of no return.loss of all,not once but repeatedly,have i reached the breaking point.
   Love,the one thing that i always have had faith in,is it a dream,made impotent,by life's harsher realities.Money,i have none,no retirement,me,the man that alwayts believed he would be the artisan of floor care,my time is at an end,what do i do now?It is not that there is not work,clerk,janitor,jobs that require no skill,if i have to i guess i will do it.Not like i have much choice,we have to live.Living,without joy seems like slavery,an existence similar to a machine.It suffices for others,i quite simply am scared of becoming an automaton,simply existing.No love,to oil the machinations of existence,motions friction,grinding away my core,dreams winking out,a shell,its there,until being crushed under the footstep of  a life,with no life.
   Sadness,in my effort to be strong,i have alienated myself,who would believe the pain i feel in being alone, bereft of love,i who endeavor to shower my love to others,to let them know someone cares,feel like the child, who cowers under the blanket afraid of the monsters in the dark.My fear is that of not being loved.i wonder when i die,my funeral,what will it be like,what memories will others have of me.I who had hoped to leave a legacy of love,fear to hear the conversations at my funeral.The terms,what if,if only he could have,to few of what would be considered positive.Where did i go wrong?
    I went wrong in having believed in my own beliefs.There is no one and nothing else to blame,and you know,writing this i find i am not sorry.Sad,yes,lonely yes,confused yes,and scared of my future life.Damn it,i look back at my life as i write this,different,unique,hills and valleys,yes,but i have given much joy to peoples lives.i know i have also created pain but,never,never maliciously or with intent.I guess the biggest failure in my life,is love,i failed,devoid of it,life is empty,i always said without it life has no meaning,there just seems no reason for existence without it.Love,i try not to cry,fighting back tears,i believe in it so much,its the spice of living,without,it has no purpose.Solitary being that i am,the desire to be one with another,thats what life was all about,the knowledge i am alone,irregardless of my efforts,tells me,too much,love you,me,the end.?