guilt

      Woke up at 4:30 am,better then sleepng the day away,had to go to work at 8 am,so put last coat of primer on my rooms ceiling,scotty took some before picts so i could have them for later.He is a pretty good guy,does what he can and shows he cares by listening to me which can be a job,hehehe.i feel a little bad about my last post,when i stated i have no family,so will address that here,while my thoughts are fresh.Oh,job got put off till next week,there went my w/e,but actually its o.k.,will need the money next week too,hahaha.
     First,i miss my father so much,missing him,has also opened my eyes to other relationships,but there is no substitution for him.I believe i built my life, psychologically,around a very simple idea,how would my father have handled it?My father was definitely a mortal man with all his faults and mistakes that he made in life,He was also very humane,loving and did the best he could.Maybe not the best others would think,but damn sure good enough for me.Rough times we definitely had,misunderstandings,bad times between us too,love was the glue,and an acceptance for one another,as the person we were,at that time,carried us through.Most of my life,decisions i made were based simply on,what i thought my father would do,because he always seemed to have all the answers.In addition the thought of him being there,hell it gave me the courage to try,even if failure loomed large,simply because his love for me would still be there if i did screw up.
    My mother,still living,down the street from me as a matter of fact,we dont talk much,even though my wife pushes me to.I am trying to get better at it though,simply put,i dont trust her.What a story she could write about her life,definately interesting enough and life has not been easy for her either.I have a younger,brother and sister,i swear they can not hate her enough,which is where we differ.Acceptance,i dont neccessairly like her or things that she has done in the past,i simply accept that she is who she is and love her for the times before our lives got crazy,it does not mean i forgot the bad things or times,i learned a lot,good and bad from her,i simply accept the fact that we all have made bad decisions in our lives,accept her for who she is today and try not to get caught up in her webs of manipulation.She really is very good at what she does,hahaha.
    Brother and sister,both younger and neither in my life,that i will admit probably has a lot to do with me,unfortunately.Love them both,think of them both probably about once a week,desire to get a closre relationship but,where to start.My brother,he really is a good person,sets a lot of importance on his family and gives them 110%,you have to respect that.Out of the 3 of us he is probably the best example for normalcy,and has done pretty good for himself and his.We actually got along pretty well,though he disagreed about some things in my life,which i will say he would end up being right about.We basically have just a few things that ripped us apart.one his hatred for my mother and sister,he lived with our father for a time and my sis lived with her mother.He,maybe correctly felt my mother was a bad influence,that my sis picked up her bad ways and the fact that she led a very rebellious life under my fathers roof and when she hit the streets on her own,did not help either.Of course there is more,but thats the basics.Naturally being the oldest,both of them tried to play me to the others disadvantage,and then both of them would gang up on mom,crazy huh,thats basically how our lives were.The final straw came about when i thought he betrayed my trust in him.He had been good enough to come down south and work with me,so i could build my business up,after all was going good i put him on salary and  was told he would go to his sons football practices and games,when he was supposed to be at work,Pissed off and hurt,i alienated him,my bad,there are better ways to do things and i shut him out of my life.My worst attribute,that of cutting people completely out of my life,when the hurt is so bad,has cost me dearly.Much older and a little wiser now,i have learned there are alternates,then it was the only way i could rest assured of not getting hurt,by the same person too many times.I love and miss him,i just dont know if i can undo the damage i have caused or if i can handle the rejection by him,plus,my life is pretty shitty right now and i hate looking bad.
     My sister,lordy,lordy,i feel for her,life,even though she has to take a lot of the responsibility,has sucked for her.Out of the 3 of us,she has fared the worse,our relationship,god knows has been a mess.That poor girl has not caught a break her entire life and unfortunately i cant say i was much help.Back in the day,we were both party animals,just out for the good time and when i finally got my life togther,i left the state.She always looked up to me and i know i let her down,when we discovered our mother was still alive we met in california for the first time in years and i was so caught up in myself i was not much help to her either.Then she would call here and i would brush her off,which was not good on my part.I have tried to talk with her on f/b but she dose not get on it very often.The phone well that seems like a good idea and maybe i will try,but no promises right now,i know it would be the right thing to do though.
     I have been married twice,both women a treasure to my heart,irregardless of what has transpired since.Here life has been good to me,both of them,are special,and brightened my life.I had 3 boys with Carol,my first wife,and Donna had 3 girls and a boy when we got married.Now this would lead you to believe that i have a large family,but reality can be a bitch.this has got to be one of longest blogs ever,hahaha.
     Carol and i met,while i was out with my father,his girl and her sister.She could not dance and after asking her permission to ask someone,i ended up asking carol.An hour later i told my father i was going to marry carol and damned if i didnt.I was in the navy at the time,carol moved down to norfolk,va,to be with me,and also brought my sister who stayed with us.i was proudly serving in the submarine force,which meant i was not home a lot,including the birth of our first son marino.Carol could not deal with me being gone so much so i left the service to keep my family.we had our next son about a year later,times were rough,and though we were making it i was scared that i was a failure.At least in taking care of my family,seemed like we could never get ahead.Carols dad would call her and tell her i was not doing to well and though she supported me,i felt like a failure.I had a next door neighbor,who i helped set up his place for him and his girl,a real good friend,i thought,and we did a real stupid thing.Robbed a bank.I  did my time ,Carol moved up north,with the boys,life was all messed up.Pleaded with that girl for a divorce,to no avail,i snuck up to see her the blizzard of 78,talk about being scared,thought i was gonna screw my probation up,but got lucky and she got got pregnant with mikey.eventually got my probation transferred,moved up to massachusetts.Got a job building custom fire trucks,loved it,then the company closed and i dont remember what job i took next but i also started going to school at night,college,to get a business degree.Come home one night cops are there,my in-laws who lived across the street,next thing i know, i cant see the wife or kids,and have to call my dad so i have a place to stay.Carol had,had a nervous breakdown,she was instituted for a period of time,and my life went to hell.The night of the break down,she had made some accusations,later cleared up,due to her trauma but messed my head up for sure.i could not see the boys for awhile,i did send them gifts and stuff.i guess this is when my drinking got bad,i was not a bad drunk,i just dont remember a night i diid not drink or something.We talked on the phone,infrequently,i was promoted to an office manager,and opened offices including one in Decatur,Al..While there,a friend calls me to tell me Carol is going out of control,partying all the time.Now let me state,Carol was the most loving mother you could ever want,if there was anything i was sure of,it was her love for our children.In a state of shock,i call the main office tell them there is an emergency and leave.I stayed at a friends house,went to see carol and the kids,spent some time with the kids and made arrangements to come back in a couple of days.When i returned,no Carol,no kids,to make a long story short,i tried the state offices,in-laws,etc,no luck.I tried for years to find out what happened,eventually i learned she had given the kids up to the state,and proceeded on a life of her own.I dont hold her responsible,she has had problems with breakdowns,due to her childhood,and has done the best she knows how.The damage to myself,i wont ever know in reality,i drank,partied,kinda gave up on life,money was no problem,i always seemed to do o.k.,i think i just got lost,i never stopped trying to find my kids but the laws where a lot different then,thank god these things dont happen today.
       The effect this had on my life caused one of  my worst decisions though.I met a wonderful woman,a soul mate i now believe,we lived together,life was simply marvelous.I dont recollect us ever arguing,with the exception of one thing.i got her pregnant.I insisted on an abortion,to my regret,which she got.At the time it seemed like the best thing with my history of being a father,i did not want to take the chance of being a failure again.I seem to be my worst enemy,sometime afterwards she told me that she was going up to visit her folks,for a couple of days.She went up and visited,i did some thinking while she was gone,and when we met i kept getting all teary eyed while we were having dinner out.She kept asking what was wrong,i told her that i thought we should break up,using all these reasons,i did not think it was working out.It turns out,she had gone to spend time with her parents,and to reflect on the decision if i was the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.She came back,with her mind made up we were right for one another,i destroyed her heart,and cost myself one of the best persons in my life.The abortion,i think had some to do with it,and i have never stopped wondering.
        My second wife,Donna,we are still married,love her but its not the same as it used to be.we have been together for 20 years and thats a lot of travel through lifes road.She has 4 wonderful children,adults in their own right now.With my background,my failures,and due to the fact their father was still alive,i made a vow to the children.I would never try to be their father,but a friend i would be,i also promised them i would stay until the youngest was at least an adult.i am only going to touch on this briefly but between the time i was 11 and i believe 18,my mother got married 4 times,my father 3 times,and you thought you had me figured out,hahahaha.seriously though,i had very little use for step parents and did not want the children to go through things i had seen.I guess we never realize when we are dealing with people the true ramifications of decisions we make until time,and usually a lot of it has passed.All those years,beautiful memories,life shared with them,always trying to do the right thing,set the right example,making sure they know my support for them was there.I swear i really did do the best,for them,in my eyes.i tried to the extreme and failed,Always  trying to keep up to the standards i felt my father would  be proud of,placing them and their mother ahead of myself.It has not been a smooth road,i have been sober over 20 years,but did other things occasionally.Donna compares our life to a roller coaster and i can not disagree,even i am tired of the ups and downs.Life,the things it can through at you is simply amazing,its curves flip me out.here i cant talk too much,there is too much that can cause collateral damage.In this relationship with this family i have learned the most awesome beautys of love and experienced the hell love can cause.Sometimes i feel like i am the living expression of one of Dantes paintings.I am only going to touch on a couple of things here,or you would be reading a book,hahahaha.Why do we do the things we do,sometimes there is no answer,or the fear of the answer is too much for us.One of the most wonderful things that happened in my life was STORMY,i have written a blog on her already,so if interested you should just read it.Quite simply,she was christenes,first child,notice i dont say my grandchild.here is part of my problem,i do love her to death and will be eternally grateful to her for opening my heart.She is not my blood,i feel hypocritical saying this,for at this time of my life the only other child i could love more would be the child of a union that will never be.My personal hell,maybe the emptiness of what my life will be.All the girls have children now,Linda 2,Christene 4 and Michelle 1,you know its funny,i must have done something right,the girls could not wait to get married,I have always felt they saw how great their mothers and i relationship was and they felt marriage was the answer,Scotty,being the youngest watched us start to show the chinks in our relationship,and is holding out.I dont know what my problem is,probably why i am writing this,hahaha.The short version is simple,i no longer am a part of their life,Donna,has spent more time away from home,babysitting for the kids and spending time in Boston,then actually living here.Long distance relationship i guess.The kids are all grown have their own lives and with the exception of Scotty,who lives at home,i never hear from them.On top of all that my business is almost bankrupt,living day to day,and i feel so detached from everyone.They have started having a family dinner once a week,to which i am never invited,the pain over that i am learning to deal with.The photos on f/b just reinforce the pain.When my business got bad,it scared the hell out of me,i had  a little bit of money,that went,and i could not even afford gas to go visit the kids.then everytime i had a little extra cash something would come up,i have never been so grateful i pay cash,no credit here,or i would have been completely wiped out.As i sit here i recall 2 things,Rocky telling me that little rocky missed me,and how last christmas Linda and Christene,came over to see me.Since then my finances have gotten worse,and life,well it seems hardly worthwhile anymore.Maybe i am selfish,i admit sometimes i think so,i sit in this empty house,constrained by my finances,restrained by inability to reach out,after being rebuffed.i am sure you know by now i dont do hurt too well or know how to deal with it,except to isolate away from the ones who hurt me.Knock,knock,why isnt anyone there?Adrift,alone,receding from life,this scares the hell out of me,and the worst part is seeing it ,knowing it and accepting it.
        Candle light in my dark,i now talk with my son mikey occasionally,him and his brother marino,we met and all was good enough that we talk.Marino,he is doing time,has about 18 more months to go and maybe if i can pull my head out of my ass,we can pick up the pieces.Carol,calls occasionally,we actually have a good time on the phone,and i still love her,she has been through a lot and is still keeping up the good fight.gotta respect that,plus she never told the boys anything bad about me.Love,i am an emotional person,i can not deny the love i feel,wont deny it,God knows i have tried to bury it,keep it from showing,i will not deny it though,sometimes its pain is all that tells me i still exist,to keep up the fight.LONELY,DISTRAUGHT AND SAD,YES!!!!!I am only myself,with all my faults,loving so much,screaming from the pain and REFUSING TO BELIEVE TOMORROW WILL BE THE SAME,FOR AS AN EMOTIONAL AND ROMANTIC PERSON,I STILL BELIEVE IN THE PROMISE OF A NEW DAY,WHO KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING,MAYBE LOVE WILL NOT HIDE ITSELF FROM ME.
    Family,people in our life,sometimes the ones who appear to be strongest,without the crossbeams supporting us in love,fall into that dark place,and it can be an endless journey,devoid of light.