going to work

music is playing,singing through my veins,as speakers alternate in permeating,me with the vigorous waves of sound,that echo through me.i write or type with no direction except the fact that i desire to say something,whimsical,profound,or just a meaningless jumble of thought,understood by only me,perhaps,who knows,without a doubt i wish to say something,so we shall see.what,where shall i start?work?it was a good week,no complaints,or rather none i could not control,i strip and wax floors for  a living.i love it,without being egotistical,i truly believe my joy,in this work,could only be comprehended by someone of an artistic bent,for while it is considered by some,a menial job,there is in me an artistic form to this work.to take something from nothing and create a work of art,reflective,mirrored,shining beauty, similar to a blacksmith working with a dull,dirty lump of iron,working it ,melting and creating out of a dancing ,bright flame,a work of his imagination formed by skill and tricks of the individual knowledge he has ascertained through experiences of his own.similarities exist upon the completion,reflections on the masterpieces,inspired by the beauty we find in the finished work,knowledge that we seek to bring an even higher degree of art,questions arising in the pursuit of perfection,how can we improve,knowing there has to be a way to make it seem liquid,in its reflection,wishing to seemingly create a flow of glass,a mirror of reflection which you fear to tread,deep,slippery and wet to the eyes,firm to the hesitant step, disbelief to the mind,trickery to the senses.that is fulfillment.that i have achieved,not to my own satisfaction,but to others,unknowingly praising me with cautions of, that's wet,replying i admit with a bit of conceit,no its dry,you can walk there,feeling inside that high,lifting me momentarily,into that zone,this is what its about,my rush of joy,knowledge that i have betrayed their senses,created a work,mine, satisfaction and a desire to retain this inspirational moment.better,better,it pushes,fool their minds,create glass,liquid in appearance.i love it.work is good,the pitfalls i welcome the ability to overcome, confrontation of simulations,are but dances,moments where i am given the opportunity to shine,here i rise,grasp within my mind and overcome with laughter,joy,and knowledge.my forte,my ability to dance in the seemingly worst of situations,my hunger for moments of calamity, adrenalin dormant,bored,reserved, situation hot,no answer in sight,no way out,watch my leap,the joy ,the confrontation i greet with such joy,the clash,feel my rush,heady,foolhardy,and be deceived by the quiet,controlled and soft solution,i expose to cover the eruption,hot,within,exploding in my mind,fearing of my inability to conquer,hiding all as i work the answer with no evidence of my uncertainty.living,here is life,not for me the droll,day to day existence of being alive,highs,lows,i have known them all.to enjoy living,this my desire,not to sleep, subconsciously getting by,aware of the fragile,unknown hold time will allow me.the music is playing me,wrapping,coloring the words i set forth,itsdance,a frenzy,painting my thoughts,birthing them here.work calls,i go,stalling in my hunger to share,reveal,share,thoughts,for which i want to rewrite a vocabulary to express myself.ahhhh,but then who would translate,i seek descriptions of thought inside,revelations i wish to share with the sadness of knowing words,here they fail,my thoughts rampant in search of description,later yall,i guess i will have to study the dictionary,to describe all i wish to say.

la velas

i feel gooddddddddddd!!!!!!!cleaned up around the house,watched a couple of movies,and went to la velas.oh yeah,finally got tired of wimping out,it was free,tonight so did not have any excuses.plus it helped that i put the radio on to the clubs live broadcast.YES<they asked me for my id,made me feel simply wonderful,even though i think they did it for everyone,i will take what i can get,hahaha.plus,i had talked to wife earlier and her being in a good mood,made my day better.sooooooooooo,i go in head to the rock and roll part and just relaxed,band was ok,and there were a few older people,as spinakers is closed till next month,so like,where else to go right.stood by a table and did,sorry to embarrass you,my shuffling around the table while listening to the music.after the first set checked out the main room,which was pumping with sound and fairly good crowd,on the dance floor.there was this one girl,kinda plain and rather big,having a great time just dancing by herself,and she was doing a good job of it too.so after watching her and the room,i went to have a smoke out side.dont you know it,some people i had known from stetsons and such,came up and said hi,told me they were glad to see me still out and about.we talked for a little bit about work and such then i went back in.i went over to the area by the dj and just enjoyed the show for about half an hour or so,slowly the music was penetrating my mind and my shoes,hahaha.i am listening to the same radio station now,kinda wish i had stayed,but it was late enough for me.so i DANCED,and it was awesome,i did not get on the floor,i worry that some girl might try to dance with me,and then i must confess,i just feel stupid.STOP LAUGHING,its true.so anyway what a blast.i did recieve some attention from others,but it was all complimentary,so no problem,and yes i did enjoy that,so there.so it was pretty good,cost me about 6 dollars for 3or 4 hours of entertainment,ran into people i had not seen in awhile,and finally got out of myself.one think i did notice about myself was i did enjoy just being there,i was more relaxed,and did not feel as if i had to put on a show,i did not dance a lot,but it was nice feeling the freedom to just cut loose and enjoy.the fact that people were pretty nice did not hurt either,so thats about it,except i forgot to go to wal mart to buy that other book,but there's always tomorrow.feels good having nothing but positive energy,so will catch you on rebound,later and do you feel the love,me.

why?

ah,life the different events that compose it,forming the base for the rest.was not having that great a day the other day,and its wonderful how a little thing can turn your whole day around.i had left my wife a note on facebook,sentimental me,and happened,well noticed,she had replied to someone elses statement without saying anything to me.i guess i am the sensitive sort,hehehe,so all day i am slowly running negative thoughts in my head.i talk to her later and poor baby is so tired,i feel terrible for her.does this mean i am bi polar?hahaha.at any rate when i talked to her later,she made me feel really good,she was all up in spirits,and had just had a rough day.the bad thing is i know i think too much sometimes or have a tendency to put pieces together where there is no puzzle.a couple of days previous someone blocked me from their page,what you gonna do,then the wife stated she wished she could delete me from her facebook,out of exasperation with me.after she did not respond to my message of love to her,i got upset.of course i kept all this to myself,so all day i am thinking negative thoughts,i wanted to close my facebook,have nothing to do with lots of people that are in my life,but not a part of my life,its like i just had reached a point where i am fed up with people period.here i have all these family members and a couple of friends but no interaction,its all by computer,if any.unless there is a need.i am not blaming anyone its like that in a lot of peoples lives i think.i have more interaction with people at stores i shop at then within my own family,and that's sad to me.the people at the convenient store down the street probably have a better idea of my life then the people in my life.there is  failure to communicate,if its not on facebook its not important,so when my wife talked to me the other day she changed my whole day around.i did not stop thinking and it was not like all was peaches,but just the interaction,that talking to someone who cared,made the rest of my day so much better.we had one of the boys move out a week or so ago,scotty might be leaving soon,and then the house will be empty with the exception of myself.after the way i was feeling the other day,i have a lot of thoughts running through my head,how am i going to fill this time of emptiness,i love conversation and interaction,i also realize no one is as responsible for my happiness as much as i am,duhhhhhh.hopefully business will get better and i will have more time at work,i also am sure i will have time to get some things done around the house,that still leaves lots of time,and that quite honestly intimidates me.one reason i am realistic enough to know that loneliness can bring out the worst in me.the belief that i am not that important in other lives,my inability to discuss my feelings and that age old feeling that i have to act like a man and not complain,that is the shit that causes problems and the knowledge that i bind myself to these things makes it even worse.being intelligent,having some common sense,you would think i was capable of fixing this myself,alas it is not so.i ponder everything and keep running into walls,while at the same time,stupidly i admit i refuse to reach out to anyone.its like i think about it,even to the point of getting into van to visit,but i also get mad or rather upset,feeling that it isn't fair,if needed,people can get a hold of me,why cant they just show an interest in me.i turn around and lo,and behold,i am back where i started.i know this world is not going to change for me,and that's ok.i will figure something out,somewhere there is an answer,its just i am sad that even though solutions are here,it is not my style to inflict myself on others,i know that i am a person of note and enjoyable to be in the company of.not necessarily always easy to deal with,but with lots of good qualities.and some bad too,hehehe.i have all my life heard people saying,if only i had known or what could have caused another to do something,my point exactly.no communication,no one talks,or in the struggle of living life,others forget that you are there,so to me that is the reason for a lot of things especially the misery in their life.so to my wife i say thanks cause you made my day,and to the others,i refuse to let you use those excuses be cause the truth is if you had gone out of your way a little,shown another they were a part of your life,you would not  have to be asking the question anyway.

music and me

music,hypnotic,startling, mystical,an assault on our senses, changing who we were,into what we are,so powerful that even those who cant hear respond to its vibration,the voice common to all mankind.no prejudice,affecting all in its singular voice,a transformer of mankind with no power but its own,a communication understood by all.it transcends the need for interpretation,its raw form affecting all,playing with us even against our own will,its force making us smile on days of despair,making our feet dance in our shoes,while we hope no one notices,moving us to tears when reminding us of pain,we thought forgotten,unbidden,we who control our worlds,all submit to its mastery over our self,enslaved to the force it unleashes on our heart.you gotta love it,one of my most powerful visions,is being in boston for the fourth of july.the music of the boston pops,the synchronization with the fireworks is such an awesome spectacle of beauty,its as if man is saying,look at me now god,the sensory overload from such beauty,evokes tears of rapture,as man displays his presence to those above,an inspiring testament of his ability to communicate,in other forms beside speech.my radio,the true transformer,enticing me,hypnotizing my thoughts,sweeping me through an emotional journey,captured by voices,the music,lyrics that wrap themselves into becoming a part of me,weak in their embrace i surrender,captivated by stirrings felt within,answering back in force,lifting my quivering feet,breaking forth,as i attempt to share my joy smiling at the tumultuous feeling it creates,a dance of celebration,raw,primitive,an echo of the whirlwind,the music whipping me into being more than.here i,the shy one,will talk to you,share the wonder of being alive,here the unseductive will seduce you,look at me,celebrate,look at my eyes,let me share the beauty,feel the intensity music hath unleashed within me,join in my celebration,feel with me the magic of the moment,apart,still clothed,feel,the joining of us,sharing an intimacy,closer then making love,bound together through the senses invoked by the music,its sound wrapping us together,our eyes speaking of the magic of this moment,communicating the unsaid,melting our armor,here we say,we are.this,this is me,in all my weaknesses,my strengths,come ascend this joyous pinnacle of declaration,feel me ,touch me ,become one with me,a fusion,a trilogy,from mans primal beginning,the music,you,me.a completion,of,the symphony of life.

the day after

well,here i am warming up some milk wondering where my thoughts will take me.had a bad night last night more on that later,but good day today,just cant sleep so i am here again.unfortunately,for me,when i am having a bad day emotionally,i hesitate to write as i don't want to sound like a person looking for sympathy.i also think it scares that part of me that is trying to share,even if it is with people i don't know. there's a song playing, don't know the name of it,but one of the main lyrics state,its five in the morning,i think it is simply awesome,it plays almost every time something is going on,or maybe the radio just plays the hell out of it,cant get enough of it.the words and the two singing it seem to read my mind,at least the dreamer in me.so anyway i got blocked from someones facebook,it tore me up,i was hurting ,like a part of my soul had been ripped from me.messed me all up and was trying not to let anyone know,life dissolving in front of me,my existence in doubt,and you know what,they had that right and i will have to accept it.i guess the truth is they have not wanted to be a part of my life and i against all that i knew,did not want to acknowledge the reality of it.there are only a few things i haven't done in my life that i regret,and the knowledge that i will no longer have an opportunity to say something now,just illustrates the fact that i do know fear,fear of being honest,of living life.what can i say when i look at this page maybe years from now,will i be bitter at my own weakness,will i have the courage to heal myself by the admission it was really for the best of all concerned or will i look at my last statement,feeling,it was just an excuse.too late now the door has closed the end has drawn and my life.same ole,same ole,i want to cry now,i wont ,tears swelling in my eyes trying to force there way past the quick blinking of my eyelashes,i am old,my tooth is missing,i once a vampire,are in reality,the soft, disintegrating husk,without passion,watching my journey, as my shell reveals it is withering away.light will break forth through my cracks,revealing the wonder of omniscient spirit,bright with love,dancing with laughter,young in my journey,even as this dwelling of spirit submits to its own frailties.it is simply that a container,wondrous in it abilities to to lend a physical being to the light.that light which is me,the true part that man will never duplicate,no matter how skilled his ability to duplicate,it is all my memories,my things i cant share,cant remember,the moment of my birth,the knowledge of my death to be,the pain in not having your love,my death,this and what is yet to come,to shape me.that which never ages,here emotion races as bright as the day of my birth,is it possible that the spirit of who i am,that shining core,burns my shell by the strength of its brightness,uncompromising in its beliefs,the force that states it is possible,pushing at my shell in order to free itself.i don't know.i find there is a lot that i don't know or understand,the more i experience of life.funny for some think i have lost confidence in self,which could not be further from the truth,it is simply knowing that i do not control.those who do may continue,for me to control is to contain,to lose the beauty,the spirit,to deny the savage freedom of what is.better to enjoy the mystery,the magic of life,then create an orchestra controlled,irregardless of its music,it is not the beauty of freedom,that which is uninhibited,reaching to heights unimaginable,taking you to sensory overload,filling you beyond your capacity to hold or enfold,here is where i would rather dwell.scared,hell yes sometimes,seeing things others would not,my own magical,mystery tour,this is a journey which i would love to have shared,but it is composed of splinters,blunt,narrow,lengths of various size,bits and pieces,each unique,fusing into one,me.my life,too spread out in all its journeys,weaving its tendrils among others,always seeking the companionship for the journey,a many armed creature,sweeping its love throughout others lives,racing onward in its never ending search,speeding past what could have been,faltering,slowly coming to a realization.speeding up knowing all is not lost,life will go on,is that what happened,i wonder.how much have i missed in this life i think is so full,i know not,i can only hope that this,pain,will give me the strength to be true to myself in the end.love,it is what it is,and its beauty and pain are one.   

the only explanation i will give

i make no excuses,will not subjugate,for here i fly with wings unteathered,open to catch the winds of my thoughts,adrift on gentle,whimsical,and frivolous breezes. caught and thrown,up,down,in a storm of tumultuous,awe,inspiring and exciting,dangerous,truthful thought.i,that simple definitive of me,in my selfishness,so do i transcribe these thoughts.sharing myself,no boundaries,with the exception of mine own fears.an awakening,an acknowledgement,that YES,it is ok to be me.every line i compose,my thoughts i expose,a revealing of who i am,do you not think i don't fear your judgement,disagreements.i sweat in perspiration as i write,fear of,i don't know,i will not let it hinder me,here i prove to me a love of self,an admittance of my humanity and imperfections,i confess my fears,my strength and belief in myself here i will grow.invincible,no,i would not even wish that,for to feel no pain,is to deny my own self,the ability to overcome,that search which makes me even more human.love me,like me,the acceptance of who i am,this is the road less traveled,even by me.perceptions,thoughts,truly i search for my core,fear of self,what will i discover,do i truly have the strength to be me.will i cover those things i discover,i don't like,or have the strength to face them,change them,into the person i want to be.scared,yes,for who knows what i shall uncover,doubt as to the strength of myself to overcome,i ask for nothing,for this is my battle,and the ammunition,my love for self,i trust will give me,my weapons in this civil war.i laugh with joy in the knowledge of me,my beauty and my ugly,for i know,in my heart,that my desire is only to enrichen,not only my world but all,with that magical mystery,we define as love.i confess to having the fiery,dark thoughts of evil,yes even their contemplation of thought,my strength is the white,incandescent,yet rainbow of colors,in all its glory,love.for you,for all,and yes for me.my morality guided by it,not always sure,sometimes doubting,in wanting to be selfish,for love of self,know world of mine,i love you,and my desire is to share my love with you.to deny myself and mine own love for me,would weaken my ability to give to you,so take it not as a denial of you,but here,here,i will fly,here i exist in my own peril,for with none to hold me,i will soar into a beauty of my own making or plummet out of fear,allowing none to inhibit my search for myself,its truths,and revelations,i will wipe mine own tears,watching them water the fertile ground,planting seeds of fruition,and hoping for the reaping of an even better human then when i began.here i take responsibility for self,and here i say,may my love,be your sun,as it shines over my garden.

vampire

so i stayed home on new years.i went and got tickets for la vela as,spinnakers was fifty bucks,only to discover that they simply reduced rate to twenty dollars from thirty.in addition shirt needed to be ironed,no iron,kept falling asleep on couch and .whoa,stop, aren't those some good excuses,i keep thinking of reasons i did not go,but honestly i don't know if these are the reasons i didn't,or crazy as it may sound,fear of my hunger for companionship.like a vampire,hungry,but wanting to feed off the emotions of others,in my inability to display my own.i imagined a succubus,whose desire could not match my hunger,startled by its depth.i possess her,with the power of my emotion,her surrender,slow,unwilling,overcoming her physical quest.confused,bewildered,subjective to an emotional flow from which retreat is no option,surrender to a force more powerful for the lack of the physical,look at me,feel how the essence of you,feeds me.look,see the mystery in my eyes,the warmth of my emotions enfolding you,emotional domination,subduing your physical hunger.know that without you there is nothing but the hunger,feel my need for you,the completeness of a circle,i surrender to you,devour me.             whoa,so this is what happens when i let go on new years, don't tell anyone.i like it,it reveals thoughts i keep hidden but,should feel no shame in.the desire for affection,a basic need for most of us,though not all,drives me in many of the actions in my life.worldly knowledge i dont pretend to have,but knowledge of self,yes.the fact i am capable of change,yes.the force that drives these changes,ah now therein lies the mystery,what makes me what i am,i have only a basic and probably biased idea.i do believe that love is master of my life,for without,life is simply existence,with it existence is heavenly.