who knows i just start hehehe

Work was great,and almost ran into a deer,hehehe,for real,watching one and another jumped in road,thank God,being a gamer,gives you quick reflexes.i play combat arms,and want to play call of duty but running xp so takes forever too load up.Being 56,i discover i lose some things i took for granted when younger,i also find myself losing things i never thought i would.I like to think of myself as a person who allows others to be themselves around me,but a fighter for the things that are important to me.Sadly the one thing i wont fight for is a relationship with the people i care for.Now that sounds strange and even too myself,i ask myself ,why not?.I don't know if its the life i have led,the desire not to be hurt,insecurity and doubt in myself or if I'm inhumane.Seriously,i do question myself all the time.Pain i feel,rips me,like a whirlpool,with the jagged limbs it carries,tearing at my emotions,ripping at me,bringing large waves of insecurity and doubt.Love so precious to me seems,so insignificant to others in my life,taken for granted,or have i just confused their affection for me,mistakenly,getting lost somewhere along the way?Hell i don't know,or i wouldn't be asking,not to be sure of how others feel,undermines even the strongest of individuals.I try honestly to let people i interact with know i care,am honest about my emotions for them,a lot of this stems from my own desire to be secure in the emotions,others state they feel for me.Having said all that,desiring to be honest,and for other reasons,i will state that one person in my life does not know my true feelings for that person.Its not bad at all but a different subject,another time,when and if i am ever strong enough.I have never been ashamed of being an emotional person and the rewards i have received in the past,ease the hurt and pain i endure at times today.i simply wish,here i laugh,as i am sure its not in my human nature,that i did not let it bother me so much.No pain,no gain,if you are too afraid of getting hurt,you will never stand the possibility of being loved or loving another completely,for the fear will inhibit your love.Damn that sounds so good,and rings so true.I,think one reason i am the way i am,is because,for me to ask others to show they care,defeats the purpose of accepting what they offer,without conditions,defeating what i honestly hunger for which is unconditional.In return i guess i accept,the pain of honesty,the knowledge that,that is their limits of affection.Don't misunderstand me,unconditional does not mean i am always right or that others are wrong,unconditional is interaction with others,who respect you,your beliefs,thoughts while retaining those same rights for themselves.Have you ever met a couple who never argue,scream,or fight,professing their love for each other,through action.They may disagree,even vehemently,about some things,but the respect and love for one another also incorporates an ability to disagree,with respect,and at times an admission that they can both be right.No,you don't see,it a lot but when you do,either you think they just argue when no ones around or it makes you hungry for the same thing.I have personally witnessed couples with relationships of that ilk,one especially during my childhood.That relationship,had a lot to do with my beliefs today.I had numerous step parents growing up,and meeting this couple,experiencing their love for one another,provided me with one of the few islands of emotional stability,i was to experience,in my turbulent life.During my youth,I guess it also created a hunger,for the same in my life,however it is what it is,and while such relationships do occur,i will agree they are not the norm,unfortunately.As for me,i will accept what i have,for it is,in all honesty,my choice.