putting up the xmas tree

usually one of the happiest of times,now a reminder of how much i failed,in one of my most important endeavors of my life,family,the base from which we grow or attempt to in the creation of.I have a tendacy to forget where i put things,and was trying to find the xmas ornaments,found some but was mainly upset as i could not find the box that had the older ornaments in it,went crazy tearing up closets,searching attic,everywhere to no avail.see,my wife is gone,the kids,young adults i guess i should say,well i just am not an important part of their life.hell they wont even return my calls,it is what it is,be damned if i want to impose on them,i have made it this far,guess i can make it the rest of the way.thats why i freaked out over the ornaments,putting them on the tree,brings back the pleasant memories of being a part of,the sharing of a special time for all of us the knowledge,that no matter if we had lots of gifts or just a few,i had done the best i could,and the joy on all their faces,was a reward second to none.Putting up the newer ornaments gave me a sense of isolation,i know we all walk alone,in reality,but to be in the a group and realize you have been excluded,man that hurts.i will not ask for anyone to show me affection if they don't feel like it and i will be double damned if i will accept false emotion.tears weep inside me,but it is my pain,and you know what ,it just means i am still capable of loving and accepting the love of others.my biggest bitch is what did i do to push all so far away.it would be different if it was just one ,but ,for all to walk away.i know i have my faults,even know what some of them are,but i have never intentionally hurt any of them,and have gone out of my way to ensure it occasionally.sometimes i think i put myself out there as being to secure,emotionally strong or something.i remember when they were growing up how i tried to let them know through example it was ok to say i love you,guess i screwed that up,its sad the only ones who ever tell me they love me are the grandkids or one of my son in laws.i admit i screwed up in one form,not up for disscusion here yet,but 2 things drove me there,one the lonelinest i feel coming back in full force now,which i am going to be strong enough to overcome,the other thing was and still is a matter of complexity involving ,i guess i just am not ready to say anything about it,just it tore me up in every way and i guess its a no win situation without a happy or any kind of end,it is what it is.i am just not going to let anything including my emotions give me an excuse to screw up,i am better then that,i have to go on wanting the better things in life for myself,emotionally.alone,i am,deserving of love and and even though i feel excluded,refuse to lessen my outpouring of love,for that is me.my love for them is stronger then their denial of me,it is unconditional,i hurt,cry and sometimes dont want to go on.i will not surrender to dismay or allow myself to get lost,the strength of love i have for others,is the beacon that shows me how i can be loved and so i go on,undefeated,stronger,sadder,but hopefull of the future i may have.i refuse to accept less then,and will give more then you comprehend.i am emotional,i am proud of it,hurt me if you must,but defeating my desire for love,and the giving of,that you wont defeat.the tree looks good,all glittery and bright,kinda like me when i am trying to show i feel no pain,butits dying on the inside,me,i guess i died a little tonight but blogging this did help me to bring to come back to life,so if you read this and are feeling a little dismayed, don't be i want you to know things do get better,it just takes time sometimes,do you feel the love?hehehehe,later,marino.