How to start,two things,the emptiness ,sadness, i felt when doing the floor at Dodges, over the fact that i will not be doing the floors for Express Lane no more,and Reeds statement he could call me out on a lot of things ,with the exception of my love for the Express Lane family.
ohhhh, i can tell this is gonna be a long one, but i have already started and have been putting it off for awhile so might as well get it done.On Thursday,ihad talked to Holly who informed me Reed was upset about all the strips being done.Me, being me , thought that Reid felt i took advantage of the situation,as Mark told him he only authorized some strips.In order to clear my name i went to the office and waited a couple of hours for Reed to come out so i could explain it to him.He heard me out and then told me there was never any question about me, and that they,Express Lane never had any doubts about me.It made me feel a lot better, we said goodbye and i left to cash my final check.
I have always had a problem with speaking my mind, and at the same time not always being swift enough in thought to actually convey the thought properly.I say something then ten minutes later which i had said it better, or phrased it differently, or not said anything at all,hehehehe. Oh well, from these things life becomes what it is, we live with it, i guess.While Reed and i were our discussion at the end i brought up a subject that maybe i should not have ,it was all good till he made a simple question,"and you"..to which i really had no answer ,except to state that honestly ,even though i dream the dream, thought due to my being a vendor i would not be included.As i told him i am just a vendor and if there is one thing i have learned in the last couple of years that was my lesson.Oh,Oh here i go again, one thought leads to another,and, i want to start off on another tangent, but will wait to go into that, hopefully.New paragraph hehehe.
Myself,my dream was to build a company, similar to my old cleaning company,Suburban Contract Cleaning,here the owner built up a successful business, did well for himself and some of the employees bought it from him, when he was ready to get out.He had taken a small business, hired people,taught them how to become successful, and shared it with them in order for them to create their own legacy.Which has gone very well, i guess i failed in that aspect ,though i still have time to change it,but, i have definitely created opportunities for people others would not take a chance on and thus enrichened their lives, by giving them the chance to run with the ball.Very, very few disappointment's there, for which i thank them.Looking back,i realize that most people, when given encouragement, and shown trust will, do whats right, not all, but most. In the entire time ,i only had to fire 1 person,sometimes they deserved to be fired but if you think about the fact we are all human, make mistakes ourselves,be a little forgiving, most do not make the same mistake twice. Ok,back to the meat and potatoes, I sidetrack so well,hehehe.
In todays world,when a company sells out pr changes hands,there is often a big story if the owners sell back to the employees or reward them with a monetary bonus, usually the higher ups in a company have themselves covered with severance packages or such. However every once in awhile we hear stories of companies that also reward the everyday worker who has been with the company for an extended period of time, or contributed to the general welfare of the company.Here we go now,Express Lane has always been good to its employees,flat out, no b.s.,I remember commenting to Jim Lewis one time that if people did not screw up at work, they would always have a job. I meant this, because the Lewis family actually cares about the people that work for them and they work with the employees not ride over them,if you had a problem someone would listen, if they could help they would.This tradition was started by Mr. Jimmy Lewis and was carried on by his sons, who all had to work their way up, no gimmes here.One of the results of this of this well run operation,is you end up with employees who, quite frankly, dont which to go to work else where, and are content knowing they will finish out their days working for this same company.I know, in todays world it may seem unrealistic,with companies going this way, that way, and no safe havens anywhere,but it does happen, and used to a lot more. It is called COMPANY LOYALTY, the thing companies are always screaming for and forgot that you have to give to get.So on we go, the Lewis family has been in the convience business for awhile, they are all getting older,the economy is down, and then with the new tax rates coming into effect have decided to get out of the market and sell the company. I can not say as i blame them,at first no one could figure out what was going on, just that changes were being implemented that did not seem in character for the Lewis familys mode of operation in their stores. Employees,vendors, including myself, had no idea what was up and fears ran of the company going into bankruptcy to being sold, were running rampant, Some, no if or buts about it jumped ship, the rest stayed. through these turbulent times.I love people, and people in return trust me, some thinking i have a closer tie to the office then i do, confide in me hoping it will get to those above.Others talk to me due to the years we have worked together, at any rate I learn a lot.Employees feelings were varied over a number of things, ranging from concern over the Lewis family,to fear over what would happen to them now.Employees who had not been with the company for long,seemed to think it was just another thing,while the ones who had been with the company for a long period of time, or were older were on the edge or just plain out scared. Talking to an employee who had been with the company for years,who had tried to find employment elsewhere, he described the feeling of inadequacy he felt through all the rejections he had been submitted to.Which quite honestly made me think about my situation a lot, but more on that later.Fear, had infected the lifestream of Express Lane,where optimism used to be prevalent.Employees, who 2 months ago were simply trying to get more hours for Christmas,now worried that they would be out in the cold on Christmas day, jobless or working with less hours, where they were worried over having enough money to buy that extra gift,they were now in fear of being able to pay the electric bill to keep the heat on.One thing the Lewis family did that was thoughtful of them was to keep the paychecks on a weekly basis until after the holidays, another thing i heard employees being grateful for was the early Christmas party so they could get their bonuses. Life, the importance of that 100.00 bonus, the difference it makes in so many lives can scarcely be measured,but it is truly treasured, not only for the recognition it bestows,but in trying to catch up on a bill,helping out a family member, or buying that extra gift for the unexpected child or grandchild this year.When another company buys one out,especially a family run business, it is the ones who cared that worry, What will happen now, willl my loyalty to the previous owners be an asset or liability, who will be willing to hire me ,what ,what what, overcomes their thoughts, people who have performed their jobs for years with no problem, find themselves making errors out of sheer nervousness. transition, for some is an easy thing especially those new to the job,however for those who have been accustomed to doing it the Express Lane way, now fear runs dormant that their ability to adapt will be insufficient.I could go on,but to sum it up briefly, what happens is that the people, whose loyalty and belief in Express Lane, could very well find these things will now cost them their job, with the new company.
ITS JUST BUSINESS, i personally detest that statement,it is such a blanket for some, where it covers the harsh reality of truth. Express Lane, very seldom used that expression,at least with me, and in discussions with them about various things always seemed to found their idealism on a nobler plane, which i would describe as simply, giving a damn..Ok,now that was the potatoes,time for the meat.
Sorry,the wife and were arguing over our lack of Christmas,which is kinda pisssing me off with the grand kids here.I will say this though,i am mad at myself,not Express Lane for i should have done some better planning financially and that quite simply is my bad,besides i do have a little time left,hehe. Positive thinking!!!
Express Lane has always,and i mean always shown they care for those who work for them. Personally, i hope they get filthy rich off this deal, they have worked hard, been good to those that worked with them, and have to my knowledge always acted as regulars, even though well off financially.Now this all is dependent on how good a deal they made for themselves, because things are not always what they seem and they may not be as well off as we would think, however. If Express Lane did well, it would not be amiss for them to share in this with employees who have been with them for a period of time, a minimum of 5 years at any rate.Oh and by the way these are my thoughts alone, simply put. I will be the first to state i have no idea how much,what to be base anything on,etc. I have a few basic reasons for wishing this, one, it does teach others there is a reward for loyalty, two,we are all interdependent on one another, Express Lanes success is partially based its employees, not taking anything away from the owners,and lastly,to help quell the nervousness and fears of its former loyal employees. When i was out stripping the stores, one of the reasons i personally felt bad was seeing, and hearing some of the hopelessness in people, how they would try to be upbeat and then admit their fear of having to depend on a company to whom they were nothing more then a number or position. I can relate because in todays world, it dosent matter with a corporation how good your work is, it is now ,simply,knowledge of someone in corporate,cost,or what can you do for me. it appears as if corporations have becoming mechanical machines interested in only projecting better results for the upcoming quarter.Hell, i have seen shoddy work,which a corporation would rather pay for then to take the time out to find better work at a lesser price because it is just easier to do so.That is sad. So that is the meat to my conversation with Reed,now for the dessert,he does not pull any punches that one,and he had me good,hehehehe.
And you,he asked. Not fair,hehehe. Ok, truth,of course i wish that i would be included,hell I dream, fantasize, have always done my best for Express Lane. Recognition of this sort would rock my world, make it all seem like there are some who believe in rewarding those who have given their best.Honestly,though,oh i so hate having to be honest here,they,Express Lane have already given me a lot. One, i am a vendor,not an employee, however they have always and i mean always treated me as a person. Two, they have always paid me for my services. Three,they took me in and me feel as if my contribution was important. Four, even though not a blood relative they have always been kind enough to listen to my problems,shown a sincere care for me and damn it made me feel good,a member of the Express Lane family.So, yes , it would be nice, but actually i was more concerned about the people who have become dependent on the Express Lane we all know and love. When all this began occurring 3 or 4 months ago,i wont admit i was upset,unkowingly to Express Lane owners,I had been asked to just do the Express Lane stores,i thought about it, was tired of rejection by other companies and proceeded to just do their stores, i do have a couple of stores i do, i also lost a couple when they found out i was doing some Express Lanes at no charge.My big mouth,i will never learn. Oh well, if they had been as good to me as Express Lane maybe i would have done the same for them, at any rate,the reason i stopped doing the stores or additional stores at no cost was quite simply,no gas money. Sorry,had to take a break,me and the two little ones made up some brownies,full of walnuts and andes mints,eat your heart out,but what a mess,hehehe,brownie mix everywhere,hehehe.Ok,where was I,ok,caught my train of thought.My bills come to about 1800 a montyh doing 19 stores plus the Dodges,meant i was going in the hole .Now i have no credit cards,bank accounts,or loans, so i truly live week to week. iI know,it is all my bad ,ok,anyways trying to be quick so i can play with the little ones, I did get a couple of side jobs, borrowed some money and finally confronted Mark about the extra work ,he had promised me previously.He gave me a scrub to do,authorized the strips,and due to that i have almost caught up on all my bills.Some people, including exemployees state i made a mistake in handling the Express Lane account ,treating them as family.They dont know how Reed brought me my check because i could not make it to the office,how Jim Lewis invited me over to shoot pool, or play the guitar,how someone always listened to me, how concerned the office workers were when i came in freezing from no heat in my van after finishing work to drop off my invoices, so the answer to the question is , yes, but irregardless either way, i have already recieved more then most vendors ever will. A home away from home.Thatsssssssssssssss all folks brownies are done,cooling now and grandkids are making me smile,enjoy your day,love,me.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Friday, November 23, 2012
Thanksgiving, nd the end of Express Lane as i know it
Thanksgiving yesterday,watched twilight,breaking dawn part 2 today,was told my main contract Express Lane may be changing hands next month, and wife is coming home on the 8th. Soooooo,a lot has been happening and some things i will have to wait and see on. Life, it goes on and on, throwing us curve balls every time we least expect it, hehehe. Roll with it and come out looking for a better position, oh yeah.Now,where do i start, hmmmm.
Express Lane,that one kicked me in the ass. SHOCKER!!!!!!!. With all the changes going on there lately, i honestly felt as if there was something major coming on but, honestly could not put my finger on exactly what. When floor care went to once a month and i talked to Jim Lewis about it , he stated we were doing too much for the stores,which honestly did not sound right.After i offered to do work for less money and try to help out, with no response, i guess i should have noted a red flag, However, being the person I am,duhh, I never considered the options, and just did the best I could under the circumstances. A couple of weeks ago i did talk to the operations manager,Mark Shoffer, and informed him if things were going to continue in this venue, i would be out of business shortly,not just because of the money reduction but also my liability insurance coming up. I informed him that strips were going to start, and that the norm was to start and try to finish by Christmas. He told me to go ahead and do them, then i think it was the next week we were told about the company changing hands,freaked me out. Now nothing is definite, except for change, i feel bad for myself sure,but man all those employees, are nervous too. Mark says he is worried,but honestly i am sure he knows more then he is saying, politics, naturally. Some how i will make it,it may be the straw that breaks this camels back, but it wont be because i am a quitter. Awhile back, i had sent,given Jim Lewis, a letter informing him of how much i appreciated Express Lane, and their loyalty, the fact that i felt i had been adopted into being part of the Express Lane family. Well, i guess thats why i am an emotional fool, ah but they were good to me ,so what else can you say. I know it may sound unrealistic BUT, i do believe if they made out well on their deal it would not hurt for them to show some appreciation to some of the employees that have been around for 10 years or more. I know it may sound nuts it has been done before by other companies, they got bought out and in appreciation for the employees loyalty and support, they in turn rewarded them financially. Now,i know it seems like a pipe dream , but it has been done. I personally know for a fact that a lot of their employees are glad that they are holding the Christmas party early,they were worried about the bonuses ,which may not be earth shattering but hell it was important for the employee, and the fact the Lewis family is doing that, is very much appreciated by the employees. I dont know what else to say about this scenario, it is not in my hands, except to hope for the best. You know, Jim Lewis, told me if i had any business ideas he might have been willing to listen, and maybe help out, after all this evolved i did try to contact him ,to no avail, but i guess he has had a lot on his plate,maybe someday, hehehe. Oh well, there really is no use crying over spilt milk,and maybe, just maybe, i can turn this around, with the other company. I definitely have learned a lot in these last couple of years though, but life would not be the adventure it is, if, you were not learning new things,hehehehe.
Reed Lewis, my kind of guy, in all my other posts i talk about his brother, Jim Lewis, and the family, but Reed has always been the kind of guy next door, earthy, been there and back,no drama, listen and comment,without judging, kind,and a heart he tries to hide,wisdom that comes from having to deal with suffering and a smile,well he just makes you not want to quit. I want to call him a leader of men, but actually i think he is more an inspiration to people. Where some assume the leadership role through title,etc., etc., he inspires you,by the person he is. This is how true leadership works,by example,through effort, and overcoming lifes hardships, asking for no recognition ,and as due course, receiving an acknowledgement from all that he is a leader,who takes care of his own, and others where possible. He has a heart,he has felt the pain of others and ,in their time of need,makes time for them. Man,i am gonna miss you,our talks,where i ramble on,the way you made me feel as if what i said was worth listening to. Times, when i would say you really dont want to know, your acknowledgement of the situation ,not by telling me to tell you,just an acceptance that it could be,and instead of bull,you would respect that and let it be.here i am getting all emotional, so i will end this, but pray someday you have the opportunity to read it,love you blood.
Thanksgiving, ah, trippy, trippy. One for the books. i hope i either get that Dragon program or learn to type faster soon,this takes forever, hehehe. Messed around the house a little,then Scotty and I, went to Christenes about 3:30. Oh ,forgot the cable got shut off the night before so, as much as i hated asking,I did ask Christene if she would pay the bill till Friday,mainly cause it was driving Scotty nuts,even if he said otherwise and so Donna could get her email. So Christene paid it for me, and we planned to go for turkey there, talk about a wild ride. We pull up, get out, and Scotty is walking up,when lo and behold,i see someone i have an issue with, to put it nicely. Thats for another post on another day. I stand there, so hot i swear, the grass is scorching under my shoes, anger so black, i feared of losing control, my body starts vibrating, and when i sense how bad it is getting, i stop.Dead, in my tracks,tearing my eyes away, watching the children playing catch , in the front yard.Of all things this i least expected, i would have thought that ,out of respect someone would have told me he was going to be there, as they know how i feel. Then i would have simply taken Scotty, picked him up and, and hopefully some leftovers, and left, n.p..Thank god, for the children, for there would have been hell on earth without them. Only 2 people have seen me mad in 20 years,and that instance came to a quick end because I misunderstood something, but just that short burst flipped them out.It is really funny to me, how people can think that because some one keeps control over their anger that it is always possible,or how simply because they have never seen a person get violent, it is not possible.It is kind of like a person who has a license to carry a concealed weapon, he may look mousy, wear glasses and carry himself in a subservient way,but watch what happens when you mess with him. Living such a quiet, peace full life here, i have tried to keep my past away, but everyone has that point, you dont want to go. There will be a day of reckoning, but it will be on my terms, and it will be hell for some one, but not in front of the kids.You know it is kinda funny talking about this, because one day Jim Lewis, unwittingly, almost got me pissed off enough, i had told him about a problem,something about a store,and he came off with the comment,that i think about the little things,while he deals with the things way up here.It was the only time he ever talked down to me,and therefore ,i checked myself,thinking he was having a bad day.I laugh sometimes when people,even people i used to work with, try to full around with me physically, for they have no idea what the hell is possible. I remember one time in Southie, i was ready ,and capable of taking on an entire bar,which scared the hell out of my brother and current girlfriend, who kept trying to get me to leave, which i eventually did, hehehehehe, and at least people knew what would happen if you push me too far, here, they have no idea, which gives me a kinda pride in myself. I was taught a long time ago,kill someone, and their suffering is over, it is far better to keep them suffering, physically or psychologically, if you wish for them to be taught a lesson.OK,thats enough on that, i made it through the dinner, i kept to myself, talked to Will about his mother passing, tried to get Linda to at least say hi, with no luck, guess she really has no use for me which hurts,and Sotty kept an eye watching me to make sure i did not lose it. He did say, when we got home he would have had my back if there had been an incident, which made me feel good. Afterwards, we went to my mothers house,gave myself a pat on the back for that, and actually had a good time.I had worried she would be alone,but oh no,living room full,hehehehe.That made me happy, she loves being the center of attention, and actually since she always was before i am glad to see she still has her admirers today. So irregardless of the little things it was a pretty good day, and i even went to sleep earlier then usual,hehehehe. I really want to keep going but its 12 pm now so will pick up tomorrow,really............until then night all, may the force be with you and love in your life,me.
WOULD YOU BELIEVE PART 2,HEHEHEHEHE. Quite simply i can not fall asleep!!!!! It is 3:30 am and here i am back again,just got done watching The Three Musketeers,eating roast beef,and cant sleep,i wonder why. Ahhhh,life, it is good sometimes!!!!!! Far better to be here then other places i could be,optimist, pessimist, but always hopeful. so lets talk about Twilight ,Breaking Dawn, Part 2. First coffee,be right back...OK,half milk,half coffee,so lets go on a philosophical journey, or a trip through my mind,and its perceptions,SCARY HUH.. Vampires,werewolves,humans,and unsurprisingly a child that encompasses all three worlds.Do we all not do the same thing on a daily basis? Dont we deal with different cultures, races, religions,ways of life on a daily journey through humanity.Adaptation, the chameleon,actors on a stage ,all different, unique,each with a hidden secret from others,all in this bustle of humanity,an individual who must adapt,to am ever changing environment of beliefs and cultures,in a shrinking world,created by mass transit and the lightning quick reflexes of an electronic age. One where secrets are harder to hide, where truth is thrown at us ,sometimes anonymously, but even so stronger with out a signature for approval.Here is the strength of mankind,for while we are each an island,we are also unique in being above all a community of adaptability.We retain our self while becoming even more as we merge with one another. Perfect, no, but out of each process of learning to adapt with others , stronger tbrough the lessons we endure,more humane through the suffering we see exists,and somewhere in there more tolerant,more understanding of how important our own individuality is for us to succeed as we merge.I am unique,ther is none like me,similar,maybe even almost identical,{i feel for you too,he,he,he},but no one else thinks or is constructed of the memories and actions that have created me. I am the vampires child. My children, will be even more, for lines disintegrate,become blurry,more will be known, less hidden,stronger they will be, for with less hidden the core must become stronger, to retain its sense of self,or get swept away.I AM ENJOYING THE HELL OUT OF THIS,i wonder what i will think of it, if and when i read it again. When i was younger, I remember taking so much , pride , trying to put this correctly,at any rate, my ability to be a chameleon ,in any group, the ability to manipulate, and control, seemed like playing.Now, i find that i recieve more pleasure or as much in watching the world, at times trying to analyze various situations, that i really have no real back ground in with the exception of having lived a diversified life. I am right sometimes,and naturally i am wrong also.The truth to me is evident,people are generally wanting to be a better person, if they could afford itthey would rather be of the more positive side.Leaders ,those that set the boundaries,here we must exercise caution.Sci fi,mystical creatures,those who can share with but a thought their truths,maybe on the day humanity can share itself,open its mind,when we have no fear of our own individuality,and an even greater love for all,we will not need leaders,or fear vampires,werewolves or ourselves,and in that unity we will be the best we can be.WOW,SAID EITHER TOO MUCH,OR CONFUSED MYSELF,BUT I THINK I LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!!SO WILL READ TOMORROW,gonna try to got to sleep now good night,whoever,whatever you are and welcome into my world,it is full of life,its pain,and especially love ,later,me
Express Lane,that one kicked me in the ass. SHOCKER!!!!!!!. With all the changes going on there lately, i honestly felt as if there was something major coming on but, honestly could not put my finger on exactly what. When floor care went to once a month and i talked to Jim Lewis about it , he stated we were doing too much for the stores,which honestly did not sound right.After i offered to do work for less money and try to help out, with no response, i guess i should have noted a red flag, However, being the person I am,duhh, I never considered the options, and just did the best I could under the circumstances. A couple of weeks ago i did talk to the operations manager,Mark Shoffer, and informed him if things were going to continue in this venue, i would be out of business shortly,not just because of the money reduction but also my liability insurance coming up. I informed him that strips were going to start, and that the norm was to start and try to finish by Christmas. He told me to go ahead and do them, then i think it was the next week we were told about the company changing hands,freaked me out. Now nothing is definite, except for change, i feel bad for myself sure,but man all those employees, are nervous too. Mark says he is worried,but honestly i am sure he knows more then he is saying, politics, naturally. Some how i will make it,it may be the straw that breaks this camels back, but it wont be because i am a quitter. Awhile back, i had sent,given Jim Lewis, a letter informing him of how much i appreciated Express Lane, and their loyalty, the fact that i felt i had been adopted into being part of the Express Lane family. Well, i guess thats why i am an emotional fool, ah but they were good to me ,so what else can you say. I know it may sound unrealistic BUT, i do believe if they made out well on their deal it would not hurt for them to show some appreciation to some of the employees that have been around for 10 years or more. I know it may sound nuts it has been done before by other companies, they got bought out and in appreciation for the employees loyalty and support, they in turn rewarded them financially. Now,i know it seems like a pipe dream , but it has been done. I personally know for a fact that a lot of their employees are glad that they are holding the Christmas party early,they were worried about the bonuses ,which may not be earth shattering but hell it was important for the employee, and the fact the Lewis family is doing that, is very much appreciated by the employees. I dont know what else to say about this scenario, it is not in my hands, except to hope for the best. You know, Jim Lewis, told me if i had any business ideas he might have been willing to listen, and maybe help out, after all this evolved i did try to contact him ,to no avail, but i guess he has had a lot on his plate,maybe someday, hehehe. Oh well, there really is no use crying over spilt milk,and maybe, just maybe, i can turn this around, with the other company. I definitely have learned a lot in these last couple of years though, but life would not be the adventure it is, if, you were not learning new things,hehehehe.
Reed Lewis, my kind of guy, in all my other posts i talk about his brother, Jim Lewis, and the family, but Reed has always been the kind of guy next door, earthy, been there and back,no drama, listen and comment,without judging, kind,and a heart he tries to hide,wisdom that comes from having to deal with suffering and a smile,well he just makes you not want to quit. I want to call him a leader of men, but actually i think he is more an inspiration to people. Where some assume the leadership role through title,etc., etc., he inspires you,by the person he is. This is how true leadership works,by example,through effort, and overcoming lifes hardships, asking for no recognition ,and as due course, receiving an acknowledgement from all that he is a leader,who takes care of his own, and others where possible. He has a heart,he has felt the pain of others and ,in their time of need,makes time for them. Man,i am gonna miss you,our talks,where i ramble on,the way you made me feel as if what i said was worth listening to. Times, when i would say you really dont want to know, your acknowledgement of the situation ,not by telling me to tell you,just an acceptance that it could be,and instead of bull,you would respect that and let it be.here i am getting all emotional, so i will end this, but pray someday you have the opportunity to read it,love you blood.
Thanksgiving, ah, trippy, trippy. One for the books. i hope i either get that Dragon program or learn to type faster soon,this takes forever, hehehe. Messed around the house a little,then Scotty and I, went to Christenes about 3:30. Oh ,forgot the cable got shut off the night before so, as much as i hated asking,I did ask Christene if she would pay the bill till Friday,mainly cause it was driving Scotty nuts,even if he said otherwise and so Donna could get her email. So Christene paid it for me, and we planned to go for turkey there, talk about a wild ride. We pull up, get out, and Scotty is walking up,when lo and behold,i see someone i have an issue with, to put it nicely. Thats for another post on another day. I stand there, so hot i swear, the grass is scorching under my shoes, anger so black, i feared of losing control, my body starts vibrating, and when i sense how bad it is getting, i stop.Dead, in my tracks,tearing my eyes away, watching the children playing catch , in the front yard.Of all things this i least expected, i would have thought that ,out of respect someone would have told me he was going to be there, as they know how i feel. Then i would have simply taken Scotty, picked him up and, and hopefully some leftovers, and left, n.p..Thank god, for the children, for there would have been hell on earth without them. Only 2 people have seen me mad in 20 years,and that instance came to a quick end because I misunderstood something, but just that short burst flipped them out.It is really funny to me, how people can think that because some one keeps control over their anger that it is always possible,or how simply because they have never seen a person get violent, it is not possible.It is kind of like a person who has a license to carry a concealed weapon, he may look mousy, wear glasses and carry himself in a subservient way,but watch what happens when you mess with him. Living such a quiet, peace full life here, i have tried to keep my past away, but everyone has that point, you dont want to go. There will be a day of reckoning, but it will be on my terms, and it will be hell for some one, but not in front of the kids.You know it is kinda funny talking about this, because one day Jim Lewis, unwittingly, almost got me pissed off enough, i had told him about a problem,something about a store,and he came off with the comment,that i think about the little things,while he deals with the things way up here.It was the only time he ever talked down to me,and therefore ,i checked myself,thinking he was having a bad day.I laugh sometimes when people,even people i used to work with, try to full around with me physically, for they have no idea what the hell is possible. I remember one time in Southie, i was ready ,and capable of taking on an entire bar,which scared the hell out of my brother and current girlfriend, who kept trying to get me to leave, which i eventually did, hehehehehe, and at least people knew what would happen if you push me too far, here, they have no idea, which gives me a kinda pride in myself. I was taught a long time ago,kill someone, and their suffering is over, it is far better to keep them suffering, physically or psychologically, if you wish for them to be taught a lesson.OK,thats enough on that, i made it through the dinner, i kept to myself, talked to Will about his mother passing, tried to get Linda to at least say hi, with no luck, guess she really has no use for me which hurts,and Sotty kept an eye watching me to make sure i did not lose it. He did say, when we got home he would have had my back if there had been an incident, which made me feel good. Afterwards, we went to my mothers house,gave myself a pat on the back for that, and actually had a good time.I had worried she would be alone,but oh no,living room full,hehehehe.That made me happy, she loves being the center of attention, and actually since she always was before i am glad to see she still has her admirers today. So irregardless of the little things it was a pretty good day, and i even went to sleep earlier then usual,hehehehe. I really want to keep going but its 12 pm now so will pick up tomorrow,really............until then night all, may the force be with you and love in your life,me.
WOULD YOU BELIEVE PART 2,HEHEHEHEHE. Quite simply i can not fall asleep!!!!! It is 3:30 am and here i am back again,just got done watching The Three Musketeers,eating roast beef,and cant sleep,i wonder why. Ahhhh,life, it is good sometimes!!!!!! Far better to be here then other places i could be,optimist, pessimist, but always hopeful. so lets talk about Twilight ,Breaking Dawn, Part 2. First coffee,be right back...OK,half milk,half coffee,so lets go on a philosophical journey, or a trip through my mind,and its perceptions,SCARY HUH.. Vampires,werewolves,humans,and unsurprisingly a child that encompasses all three worlds.Do we all not do the same thing on a daily basis? Dont we deal with different cultures, races, religions,ways of life on a daily journey through humanity.Adaptation, the chameleon,actors on a stage ,all different, unique,each with a hidden secret from others,all in this bustle of humanity,an individual who must adapt,to am ever changing environment of beliefs and cultures,in a shrinking world,created by mass transit and the lightning quick reflexes of an electronic age. One where secrets are harder to hide, where truth is thrown at us ,sometimes anonymously, but even so stronger with out a signature for approval.Here is the strength of mankind,for while we are each an island,we are also unique in being above all a community of adaptability.We retain our self while becoming even more as we merge with one another. Perfect, no, but out of each process of learning to adapt with others , stronger tbrough the lessons we endure,more humane through the suffering we see exists,and somewhere in there more tolerant,more understanding of how important our own individuality is for us to succeed as we merge.I am unique,ther is none like me,similar,maybe even almost identical,{i feel for you too,he,he,he},but no one else thinks or is constructed of the memories and actions that have created me. I am the vampires child. My children, will be even more, for lines disintegrate,become blurry,more will be known, less hidden,stronger they will be, for with less hidden the core must become stronger, to retain its sense of self,or get swept away.I AM ENJOYING THE HELL OUT OF THIS,i wonder what i will think of it, if and when i read it again. When i was younger, I remember taking so much , pride , trying to put this correctly,at any rate, my ability to be a chameleon ,in any group, the ability to manipulate, and control, seemed like playing.Now, i find that i recieve more pleasure or as much in watching the world, at times trying to analyze various situations, that i really have no real back ground in with the exception of having lived a diversified life. I am right sometimes,and naturally i am wrong also.The truth to me is evident,people are generally wanting to be a better person, if they could afford itthey would rather be of the more positive side.Leaders ,those that set the boundaries,here we must exercise caution.Sci fi,mystical creatures,those who can share with but a thought their truths,maybe on the day humanity can share itself,open its mind,when we have no fear of our own individuality,and an even greater love for all,we will not need leaders,or fear vampires,werewolves or ourselves,and in that unity we will be the best we can be.WOW,SAID EITHER TOO MUCH,OR CONFUSED MYSELF,BUT I THINK I LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!!SO WILL READ TOMORROW,gonna try to got to sleep now good night,whoever,whatever you are and welcome into my world,it is full of life,its pain,and especially love ,later,me
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
no coffee,cigs till tomorrow and get paid on friday
Hehehehehe, life is fun, seriously.All day has been kinda strange,mainly because it was one of those days where you think it is Thursday,get paid tomorrow,and then you realize its Wednesday. I really did run out of coffe and cigs will be out tomorrow,but, it is ok,no shame in my game, will borrow a few bucks or ask my mom for some coffee. Hehehehe, she loves when i need her or need some help,and i get a kick out of her, and her actions.I have been trying harder to develop a better relationship, besides now ,i am beginning to understand life a little more,and perhaps,maybe realizing, life is not always the way we would like it to be.Now, that does not mean we can not find some humor or enjoyment,even when things are not so good.i am enjoying myself writing this post,though, i had thought about going out to shoot some pool tonight.Of course that was when i thought today was Thursday this is kinda fun,no direction,just me ,my thoughts, and some awesome music. Soooooooooo,oh yeah the vacuum cleaner works!!!!! It stopped working about a month ago, tried different outlets, no luck,pet hair driving me nuts, and it was depressing too.made me feel as if the house was nasty,even when i cleaned. I was looking around my office,room whatever you call it and on a whim plugged in the vac, sucker came on, in a loud way,spooked me while installing a moment of amazement,coupled with unbelief. Hell, yeah,i plugged that red beast in and rodeoed all over the carpet. Poor pets, it had been so long since they heard that noise, they scattered in different directions,while the vac and i carved a swath of clean through the jungle of pet fur,on the carpet.The wonder of watching the carpet beginning to unveil itself in colors of royal burgundy,dark blue,curves of white,and the grey blue of a choppy sea. Sweet!!!!!!!!, and i know i am not supposed to admit it,but, watching the cat and dog tumbling over one another in an effort to avoid me in this wondrous event,made me laugh.Fun for all.
Last night,finally started strips for Express Lane, did the store in Bristol, 92, now that was an event. Started at 7 got done about 4, so many displays to move and that tar stuff they had used to redo the parking lot,what a joyous mess.No lie, intimated at first because i wanted it to look good and not cut any edges but, honestly that floor was rough.Getting started was not too bad except for the displays, i had to keep shifting from one spot to another a couple of times, . If i had another person could have moved everything to the main aisles, and it would have gone much quicker, but thats ok,time is something i do have.Finished all of the center, leaving me just the main entrance aisle and cooler aisle.Then things got nuts,naturally, first the deli lady, tells me she has to do inventory,and she is going to wait till i am done.i told her she had complete access to the store and that i would start on front,she kept insisting she would just wait, hell, part of the job is to make sure customers have access, and here she is trying to use me as an excuse not o do her job.Then when i start on the front the clerk and deli lady are telling me to put a sign on the door to keep out the customers.I try to tell them the customers can come in the one door and we can still ring up merchandise.Oh, no, they will track up the floor and the D.M. will be upset.Now i know better, Express Lane takes care of the customer first, we work around the customer. Hell, no customers, no Express Lane, no job,sometimes i really wonder about people,bitch about pay,not enough hours,and then do something stupid like that. I get it all done,had to rip their little sign off the door,after we lost a customer who wanted some coffee,that shit pisses me off. I tried to let him in and those women were no, no, noing, me to death. Eventually i did get it done,and loaded up the front and cooler aisles with sealer and wax.The only thing i was upset about was my electric burnisher has been down for while, and the propane i am not allowed to use, so could not burnish it out.With as much wax as I put on there, we would have been looking at a sheet of glass, No dresses allowed, hehehehe. I even thought of going back tonight, do behind the counter,another 50 bucks and then buff the floor out, unfortunately no money for gas, maybe this weekend,we shall see.
Wal-Mart, I actually dropped off one of my company envelopes, now to try and talk to the manager.Slowly, but surely, I am becoming more confident, in selling myself. Being shy,thinking too much,and over thinking myself before I get in the door kills me, I am truly mine own worst enemy.For years people have been trying to get me to talk with them, to no avail. Now, it may be too late ,but i am gonna try.
What else is on my mind? Well there are somethings I try to deal with, the other day i was watching a movie dont remember which one,and someone made the statement (Being any kind of happy,is better then being miserable, about someone you cant have.) . that threw all kinds of thoughts in my head, of course it did not change anything, just gave me something to contemplate.
To end on a more positive outlook,on my way to Express Lane store 20 in Tallahassee, I stopped at one of the former Express Lane stores and I may get the contract, I also contacted the company in charge of doing the Dollar Stores,now we will just have to wait and see. At any rate ,with more effort ,comes the possibilty of greater rewards, so endeavor i shall. Thats a wrap and lots of love to all,ttyl,me.
Last night,finally started strips for Express Lane, did the store in Bristol, 92, now that was an event. Started at 7 got done about 4, so many displays to move and that tar stuff they had used to redo the parking lot,what a joyous mess.No lie, intimated at first because i wanted it to look good and not cut any edges but, honestly that floor was rough.Getting started was not too bad except for the displays, i had to keep shifting from one spot to another a couple of times, . If i had another person could have moved everything to the main aisles, and it would have gone much quicker, but thats ok,time is something i do have.Finished all of the center, leaving me just the main entrance aisle and cooler aisle.Then things got nuts,naturally, first the deli lady, tells me she has to do inventory,and she is going to wait till i am done.i told her she had complete access to the store and that i would start on front,she kept insisting she would just wait, hell, part of the job is to make sure customers have access, and here she is trying to use me as an excuse not o do her job.Then when i start on the front the clerk and deli lady are telling me to put a sign on the door to keep out the customers.I try to tell them the customers can come in the one door and we can still ring up merchandise.Oh, no, they will track up the floor and the D.M. will be upset.Now i know better, Express Lane takes care of the customer first, we work around the customer. Hell, no customers, no Express Lane, no job,sometimes i really wonder about people,bitch about pay,not enough hours,and then do something stupid like that. I get it all done,had to rip their little sign off the door,after we lost a customer who wanted some coffee,that shit pisses me off. I tried to let him in and those women were no, no, noing, me to death. Eventually i did get it done,and loaded up the front and cooler aisles with sealer and wax.The only thing i was upset about was my electric burnisher has been down for while, and the propane i am not allowed to use, so could not burnish it out.With as much wax as I put on there, we would have been looking at a sheet of glass, No dresses allowed, hehehehe. I even thought of going back tonight, do behind the counter,another 50 bucks and then buff the floor out, unfortunately no money for gas, maybe this weekend,we shall see.
Wal-Mart, I actually dropped off one of my company envelopes, now to try and talk to the manager.Slowly, but surely, I am becoming more confident, in selling myself. Being shy,thinking too much,and over thinking myself before I get in the door kills me, I am truly mine own worst enemy.For years people have been trying to get me to talk with them, to no avail. Now, it may be too late ,but i am gonna try.
What else is on my mind? Well there are somethings I try to deal with, the other day i was watching a movie dont remember which one,and someone made the statement (Being any kind of happy,is better then being miserable, about someone you cant have.) . that threw all kinds of thoughts in my head, of course it did not change anything, just gave me something to contemplate.
To end on a more positive outlook,on my way to Express Lane store 20 in Tallahassee, I stopped at one of the former Express Lane stores and I may get the contract, I also contacted the company in charge of doing the Dollar Stores,now we will just have to wait and see. At any rate ,with more effort ,comes the possibilty of greater rewards, so endeavor i shall. Thats a wrap and lots of love to all,ttyl,me.
Friday, November 9, 2012
life,my thoughts on life and living -meeting natalie stovall: Natalie Stovall-The Dance
life,my thoughts on life and living -meeting natalie stovall: Natalie Stovall-The Dance: Where do you begin when there are not enough words,the inabilty to transcribe in the same,black and white symbols,an event that colors yo...
Natalie Stovall-The Dance
Where do you begin when there are not enough words,the inabilty to transcribe in the same,black and white symbols,an event that colors your emotions,sends sparks flying along the tendrils of your thoughts, erupting your body with desire, white,soft pink and yellow, the romance, passion colored in red,and black the despondency of the knowledge, you dream the dream to be unfilled, hunger created by a vision ,only seen in the dreams of a romantic.The humor life shows,its laughter loud,with me,at me, the joyous mirth, the double edge sword cutting through me ,oh so ,loud and emphatic,wall of defense. Country music, i can not stand, dont turn it on in my car, will endure if neccessary,wishing i had cotton in my ears, hehehe. The Jester called life is standing there,smiling at me, and for the life of me,even with the knowledge of the pain ,heart break, lifes lessons from living life, i can not help but smile back,with a twinkle in my eyes,and bow in admittance that i it has taught me another lesson,and not just one but another in that somethings happen, when ,where and irregardless, of the defenses i surrounded myself with.Country music,well,have i changed myopinion,i dont really believe so,maybe a little,just a little more likely, to listen with out showing so much rejection simply because of the genre.I am dragging this out,so much to say,so me thing i cant ,a quandary, no knowledge of how to say it all,laughing at the irony of my life,the fact that i ,who would say,no shame in my game,and walk that talk,is dancing all over this page, not out of fear,or fear of redicule, its the sadness of it.Joy,bursting within,dreamer,that i am , magic my life has been ,affecting some,lives ,theirs and mine,enrichened , for i refused to believe in the improbibilty, believing that there is that one thing that can make anything possible.Ahhhhhhhhh,,,enough,can we talk?
Natalie Stovall,my first intro to her,was about a month or so ago,at her previous set at Spinakers,actually i had only come in to see some of the staff,i had checked out the website and the moment i saw country,i shook my head and decided i was spending the w/e at La vela.At any rate i am talking to the staff and the band comes on stage,with her following.Damn,here, i go at a complete loss.Music,to me, can be more intimate then sex, as personal as making love and infuse itself into your essence closer than a humans touch.The sound of a violin,fiddle,trumpet,piano,bongos,or organ,to me touch the places in me ,like an electrical circuit. This is not to belittle any other instruments,i play the guitar myself,these are the instruments that my soul responds to,there is this thing, i call it the fifth beat or rather note,i know crazy,but where most people hear ,respond ,dance to the obvious beat in a song ,when i begin to feel the raptor,the communication between my body and the music,emotional stimuli, ignighting,and my soul,starts to overflow with all the musical essence,it moves me,i am lost in the celebration,for this i have been created,to dance ,to that fifth beat,a celebration of life, an acknowledgment of my appreciation of having tasted life.Making love to life, music, our shared intimacy, Natalie played, i listened and got lost .Accolades to her fellow musicians they are all good, and i have known a few so speak with some authority,i only wish i could describe my feelings, the emotional rainbow, or the thoughts that caressed my mind .I never made it to La Velas, i did not even go to work that Sunday so i could listen to her.Life , occasionally will, in the worst of times,grant us an insight that makes our troubles become less significant,promises that life is worth living, dreams to make the day bearable.Bonding, even if unknown by another,plants us more sturdily,gives strength,desire to feel it again, i can make it for there will be another time.A testament to her,simple, after that w/e i went out once more,knowing she would be returning soon,i did not go dancing or out until she returned this w/e.This from a man who goes out every weekend, Friday, Saturday and Sunday occasionally also.It just seemed like anyone elses music would feel insignificant, at least to my soul.i will be the first to tell you that i sound crazy,i mean i love hip hop,blues,some classical ,rock,i love music.Now i have been smitten by some country/western singer,lordy,lordy.
O.k,,god for a man who cant type that well this is taking forever,to me its worth it,for, some day i will smile with the memories it brings fresh again.The next show,last w/e,demonstrated the humor,joy and promise life offers,It will not tell of the anguish, fear, or reality of being the romantic fool i am.So remember that lifes beauty did overcome pain, in the midst of torture there is a quiet place,and that the dance celebrates all aspects of life, the spin and that joyous leap encompassing all, in its celebration. Checking the web,i found that Natalie was only playing Sat.and Sun. night, in addition Spinnaker was closing for the rest of the year till New Years.I am such a man,did not go to the club and yell at them, or demand that they cant do this to me, hehehehe. You know sometimes life just sucks!!!!! I dont think they would have listened to me anyway,i am laughing to myself as i write this,wonder if it is to help cover the pain of being me.Oh, well, on we go,i had been so impressed with Natalie,i had told Scottman, i was going to ask her if she would come meet Stormy and possibly play for her,thinking how much Stormy loves country,plus it would make a lasting impression on her,and maybe make up for me not spending time with her.How do you explain you dont even have the money for the gas,when they live 10 miles away.Life,you gotta love it.Anywayyyy,back to basics,Saturday night i go to the club, everyone said they missed me which made me feel good, actually real good,so there,hehehe. Surprise,surprise,main stage is shut down,now whats up,turns out they are using the smaller stage in the back.Now i feel a little anxious,see there is a seating area around the main stage overlooking the dance floor,with a shelf for your drinks,and thats where i dance at,never get on the floor. i am always a little nervous when i feel the music starting to seep inside ,making me want to dance, and in addition it is like my safety ,for women cant dance with me, or at least most of the time, though there have been a couple who just jump in. In the back, with the exception of the stage ,its all one level including the dance floor,ughh,what do i do now.Natalie,starts her first set,and me i am not going to risk anything so i sit in a chair, figuring i will just listen.She plays,i listen, eventually i cant stop myself,i stand feeling the combination of her,the music,my thoughts,and my body responds, almost as if there is no resistance left. Captured like a deer in the lights,i stand in the corner ,my body screaming for freedom as i attempt to appease it by simply letting my feet move,holding myself in check. after the first set i escape into the dance room inside,trying to feed my bodys dancing hunger by dancing a little inside. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh the night, i stayed until the last set, torn in two, at one point Natalie, came up to me ,saying hi,telling me she appreciated the fact i came to hear her.Talk about feeling like a kid again, my mind racing with things i wanted to say,thought of saying to her,duhhhhhhhhh, i have seldom felt so tongue tied. Mind overload, where would i start,she would think i was a wacko,hell i am writing this, trying not to say too much and i wonder,hehehehe,overwhelmed.
Sunday night,last night of the year for Spinnakers and i have decided i am going to go, i tell myself its the last night, some of the people asked if i was coming,what the hell,i know i am going ,i know why,i just cant be honest with myself,Buty then while we can lie to others we cant lie to ourselves. At least i cant. Anyway, this is where i hope that i never forget the night,one of the most wonderful times,one of the most difficult nights i have experienced.I got there after the first set,i know,i swear it was a night that only the fates could have set up. First, one of the waitresses,i owe a debt of gratitude to , for unknowingly she made the night possible, by being a little wise ass,which i say with a smile.Natalie came up to me after the first set,being nice ,she said hello, and being scared to the point i could not let the fear win,i talked back, i know, no big deal for someone else but i was an emotional wreck.I even worked up the courage, to talk to her about Stormy and she said that i could bring her down for the sound check,next year.Which was sweet ,even though its a long time from now,damn that sucks. Well next thing you know i had asked the waitress how old Natalie was,wise ass,hehehe,says she dont know walks over too Natalie,over my screaming at her to stop,next thing you know,Natalie,turns around,blond hair swinging,eyes full of a sassy fire and ,strutting like a ,how can i describe, simply beautiful.Demanding me to tell her old i thought she was,,for some reason that instant she became real,which is hard to describe but i know what i mean,and life was good .It was standing room only and this meant i could hide in the crowd and dance, like no one was watching , and i did. i even felt restricted , feeling as if i wanted to explode with the magic of her,reveal my celebration of her music with my dance,share the intimacy i felt. Her,the music, me, the dance,there are very few women that i personally feel an affinity to,enough to share the dance,but here the man that told women no all the time,wanted to dance with someone.For me to admit this to myself was a surprise in itself, the desire ahhhhhhhh,what can i say,except read this again if cant remember,hehehe.Not likely,we are getting close,this has taken hours,but thats o.k..
THE DANCE, is more intimate then making love,for here you dont worry about good enough, do this ,do that, it is two people free of constraint, celebrating passion , the melding of two people joyously sharing themselves with another, their eyes revealing to one another thoughts,and emotions ,reflections that words can only begin to try to describe. before man could speak he revealed himself through dance, its power,and interpretation speaking volumes to another. Ok,ok,just about there,Natalie is playing,sparkling,,filling me,I am dancing over to the side so i can watch her play,mesmorized by the magic she weaves, she looks at me and there is a second, recognition, and she plays,hot,fast,furious,eyes beaming with intensity,while she challenges me on the floor,shacles broken,crowd opening i dance in response,here i am ,free of thought, bubbling in a passion uncorked,celebrating the moment, I dance in for,because of this woman, who stands before me playing like a musical muse from an enchanted forest.This moment , wondrous, magical, and then i looking into her eyes, they are closed, as she plays, saddened here, i am lost, here i wanted you to see,to share ,i spin torn,thinking by the time i come back she will open her eyes, she is gone, walking away, playing as if to make the gods hear. Happy, confused, sad, it was all,and even with its sadness the ignition of that first passion will always be there. I am proud of the fact that i am who i am,i feel no shame in being sensitive ,romantic,or a dreamer.Chances, i have taken risks, reaped the benefits of following my heart,not my head, and one of lifes ironies is this.To truly appreciate,something, you must first lose it, and what good would being happy be without some knowledge of sadness.So,do you, do you, do you want a dance baby?!!!!!!!!
Natalie Stovall,my first intro to her,was about a month or so ago,at her previous set at Spinakers,actually i had only come in to see some of the staff,i had checked out the website and the moment i saw country,i shook my head and decided i was spending the w/e at La vela.At any rate i am talking to the staff and the band comes on stage,with her following.Damn,here, i go at a complete loss.Music,to me, can be more intimate then sex, as personal as making love and infuse itself into your essence closer than a humans touch.The sound of a violin,fiddle,trumpet,piano,bongos,or organ,to me touch the places in me ,like an electrical circuit. This is not to belittle any other instruments,i play the guitar myself,these are the instruments that my soul responds to,there is this thing, i call it the fifth beat or rather note,i know crazy,but where most people hear ,respond ,dance to the obvious beat in a song ,when i begin to feel the raptor,the communication between my body and the music,emotional stimuli, ignighting,and my soul,starts to overflow with all the musical essence,it moves me,i am lost in the celebration,for this i have been created,to dance ,to that fifth beat,a celebration of life, an acknowledgment of my appreciation of having tasted life.Making love to life, music, our shared intimacy, Natalie played, i listened and got lost .Accolades to her fellow musicians they are all good, and i have known a few so speak with some authority,i only wish i could describe my feelings, the emotional rainbow, or the thoughts that caressed my mind .I never made it to La Velas, i did not even go to work that Sunday so i could listen to her.Life , occasionally will, in the worst of times,grant us an insight that makes our troubles become less significant,promises that life is worth living, dreams to make the day bearable.Bonding, even if unknown by another,plants us more sturdily,gives strength,desire to feel it again, i can make it for there will be another time.A testament to her,simple, after that w/e i went out once more,knowing she would be returning soon,i did not go dancing or out until she returned this w/e.This from a man who goes out every weekend, Friday, Saturday and Sunday occasionally also.It just seemed like anyone elses music would feel insignificant, at least to my soul.i will be the first to tell you that i sound crazy,i mean i love hip hop,blues,some classical ,rock,i love music.Now i have been smitten by some country/western singer,lordy,lordy.
O.k,,god for a man who cant type that well this is taking forever,to me its worth it,for, some day i will smile with the memories it brings fresh again.The next show,last w/e,demonstrated the humor,joy and promise life offers,It will not tell of the anguish, fear, or reality of being the romantic fool i am.So remember that lifes beauty did overcome pain, in the midst of torture there is a quiet place,and that the dance celebrates all aspects of life, the spin and that joyous leap encompassing all, in its celebration. Checking the web,i found that Natalie was only playing Sat.and Sun. night, in addition Spinnaker was closing for the rest of the year till New Years.I am such a man,did not go to the club and yell at them, or demand that they cant do this to me, hehehehe. You know sometimes life just sucks!!!!! I dont think they would have listened to me anyway,i am laughing to myself as i write this,wonder if it is to help cover the pain of being me.Oh, well, on we go,i had been so impressed with Natalie,i had told Scottman, i was going to ask her if she would come meet Stormy and possibly play for her,thinking how much Stormy loves country,plus it would make a lasting impression on her,and maybe make up for me not spending time with her.How do you explain you dont even have the money for the gas,when they live 10 miles away.Life,you gotta love it.Anywayyyy,back to basics,Saturday night i go to the club, everyone said they missed me which made me feel good, actually real good,so there,hehehe. Surprise,surprise,main stage is shut down,now whats up,turns out they are using the smaller stage in the back.Now i feel a little anxious,see there is a seating area around the main stage overlooking the dance floor,with a shelf for your drinks,and thats where i dance at,never get on the floor. i am always a little nervous when i feel the music starting to seep inside ,making me want to dance, and in addition it is like my safety ,for women cant dance with me, or at least most of the time, though there have been a couple who just jump in. In the back, with the exception of the stage ,its all one level including the dance floor,ughh,what do i do now.Natalie,starts her first set,and me i am not going to risk anything so i sit in a chair, figuring i will just listen.She plays,i listen, eventually i cant stop myself,i stand feeling the combination of her,the music,my thoughts,and my body responds, almost as if there is no resistance left. Captured like a deer in the lights,i stand in the corner ,my body screaming for freedom as i attempt to appease it by simply letting my feet move,holding myself in check. after the first set i escape into the dance room inside,trying to feed my bodys dancing hunger by dancing a little inside. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh the night, i stayed until the last set, torn in two, at one point Natalie, came up to me ,saying hi,telling me she appreciated the fact i came to hear her.Talk about feeling like a kid again, my mind racing with things i wanted to say,thought of saying to her,duhhhhhhhhh, i have seldom felt so tongue tied. Mind overload, where would i start,she would think i was a wacko,hell i am writing this, trying not to say too much and i wonder,hehehehe,overwhelmed.
Sunday night,last night of the year for Spinnakers and i have decided i am going to go, i tell myself its the last night, some of the people asked if i was coming,what the hell,i know i am going ,i know why,i just cant be honest with myself,Buty then while we can lie to others we cant lie to ourselves. At least i cant. Anyway, this is where i hope that i never forget the night,one of the most wonderful times,one of the most difficult nights i have experienced.I got there after the first set,i know,i swear it was a night that only the fates could have set up. First, one of the waitresses,i owe a debt of gratitude to , for unknowingly she made the night possible, by being a little wise ass,which i say with a smile.Natalie came up to me after the first set,being nice ,she said hello, and being scared to the point i could not let the fear win,i talked back, i know, no big deal for someone else but i was an emotional wreck.I even worked up the courage, to talk to her about Stormy and she said that i could bring her down for the sound check,next year.Which was sweet ,even though its a long time from now,damn that sucks. Well next thing you know i had asked the waitress how old Natalie was,wise ass,hehehe,says she dont know walks over too Natalie,over my screaming at her to stop,next thing you know,Natalie,turns around,blond hair swinging,eyes full of a sassy fire and ,strutting like a ,how can i describe, simply beautiful.Demanding me to tell her old i thought she was,,for some reason that instant she became real,which is hard to describe but i know what i mean,and life was good .It was standing room only and this meant i could hide in the crowd and dance, like no one was watching , and i did. i even felt restricted , feeling as if i wanted to explode with the magic of her,reveal my celebration of her music with my dance,share the intimacy i felt. Her,the music, me, the dance,there are very few women that i personally feel an affinity to,enough to share the dance,but here the man that told women no all the time,wanted to dance with someone.For me to admit this to myself was a surprise in itself, the desire ahhhhhhhh,what can i say,except read this again if cant remember,hehehe.Not likely,we are getting close,this has taken hours,but thats o.k..
THE DANCE, is more intimate then making love,for here you dont worry about good enough, do this ,do that, it is two people free of constraint, celebrating passion , the melding of two people joyously sharing themselves with another, their eyes revealing to one another thoughts,and emotions ,reflections that words can only begin to try to describe. before man could speak he revealed himself through dance, its power,and interpretation speaking volumes to another. Ok,ok,just about there,Natalie is playing,sparkling,,filling me,I am dancing over to the side so i can watch her play,mesmorized by the magic she weaves, she looks at me and there is a second, recognition, and she plays,hot,fast,furious,eyes beaming with intensity,while she challenges me on the floor,shacles broken,crowd opening i dance in response,here i am ,free of thought, bubbling in a passion uncorked,celebrating the moment, I dance in for,because of this woman, who stands before me playing like a musical muse from an enchanted forest.This moment , wondrous, magical, and then i looking into her eyes, they are closed, as she plays, saddened here, i am lost, here i wanted you to see,to share ,i spin torn,thinking by the time i come back she will open her eyes, she is gone, walking away, playing as if to make the gods hear. Happy, confused, sad, it was all,and even with its sadness the ignition of that first passion will always be there. I am proud of the fact that i am who i am,i feel no shame in being sensitive ,romantic,or a dreamer.Chances, i have taken risks, reaped the benefits of following my heart,not my head, and one of lifes ironies is this.To truly appreciate,something, you must first lose it, and what good would being happy be without some knowledge of sadness.So,do you, do you, do you want a dance baby?!!!!!!!!
Sunday, September 23, 2012
i smurf you
Just finished watching the smurf movie,gotta love it,so cute and also has a few lessons for us in it.I smurf you is another way of saying i love you,isnt it amazing that we never tire of coming up with new ways to tell one another we love you.All those little catch phrases,some that endure time or become a part of street language, to exist by those in the know.i love movies that are happy, take me to apart of my life i had forgotten or reminds me how fortunate i am today.life,damn it is definately not long enough,so much i want to accomplish,do with my life,and love to give. It is different,i think about the people i love ,younger then me whose lives will continue after i am gone, i smile sometimes,thinking of the times i will not be able to share with them,the smile is because it is with optimism and the happiness i am sure they will discover in their lives,I have been blessed with knowing them,thats a treasure none can take ,well except Alzheimer disease.Myself,i guess thats what always been important,not the money,material things,but the knowledge in my own way i have enrichened some lives,that the memories of me ,while not perfect will reflect a care for others,an appreciation for being alive,my only failing as a human being true to oneself,an inability of belief in myself in matters of love and i guess there is always a price to pay.
Ok, now as to what i have been doing since my last post on the 9th.Darn i just realized that was exactly 2 weeks ago today,hehehe.Michael and Michele both had birthdays,and my friend Sal,who i have known for oh sooo long,hehehe.Work has been same,insufficent,but i am working on improving that, finally, i procrastinate until its too late then go crazy trying to fix things, lordy,lordy, will i ever learn, hehehe.Last week i finally worked up the resolve to try and get some more business,i made 7 cold calls,i realize that is not alot,however it is definitely an improvement over nothing.I did 3 one day then 4 on the following day, its mainly just a way to get me to overcome the fear of doing sales and that rejection thing. i also went to a small business and veterans outreach center,i pass it all the time, think of going in but keep putting it off,so i am a little more proud of myself.Not too complain but 450.00 a week is not cutting it and though i have managed to keep things up,it is definitely time to grow or go as they say.Scotty says we are maintaining,but thats about all we are doing, so i am going to give it a shot,hell if i can figure it out i may get some work ,subbing or trying to get a major contract.Right now,though i am going to just do the cold calls till i can figure out how to get a hold of some of the major contractors.
DANCE,cant let that go,yes, i have been out every w/e,cost is about 10.00 for the entire w/e,so i dont feel too guilty about that.I only went to Spinnakers this w/e and last,Orange Ave.played this weekend,they were good,the previous weekend,i got my socks rocked by Natalie Stovall. I do not enjoy country music,however ,she managed to turn me a little bit.First of all she is a performer,and she plays the sweetest and sexiest fiddle i have heard in awhile.I confess i was at all 3 shows and when she returns in November, I will be there,anticipating.Who would have ever thought? The w/e previous Spinnaker had a country band,it was a filler i will admit,so bad i left after a couple of songs,going to La Vela, which i have to admit i had not been too in too long.I ran into a couple of people i knew and it was actually a pretty good time.Oh,just remembered ,i actually have footage of me dancing at Spinnakers,a guy recorded me,he was out with a couple of girls and i guess they thought i was alright.At any rate, he introduced himself to me tried to hook me up with one of the girls ,so i explained i was married and we just talked for a bit which was fun.When Scotty returns i will ask him to put the clip on here.
Office,oh hell yeah,finally!!!!!Taking the spare bedroom and doing a conversion.I call it the office,but its really going to be a Marino room.My artwork,books ,all those little things that bring pleasure to my senses, a true representation of myself, and it is taking FOREVER,hehehe,and will probably take eternity to complete, all this i say with a smile though, broke,not wanting too settle for anything other then my dream, oh well it will be worth it .Too start with it was this ugly brownish tan that took 3 coats of primer,do you believe it,to get rid of.I did the ceiling first, i had to take part of it down then ended up trying to fix all the dimples in it, finally got that primed,then covered it with a coat of Behr semi gloss pure white,adding a second coat of the same that i had mixed some crystals in, trying to pop it.I think i will probably redo it as i dont think the glitter shows enough, i also discovered the ceiling fan is off center,ughhhh.Oh well,that just gives me an opportunity to come up with something,what i have no idea,hehehe. Paint,ahhh,the colors of the world run through my mind, i believe i have picked out my primary colors,it being a small room the pure white will act as a base.Life is too colorful to stop there however and my artwork while colorful, i am trying to use as an exclamation on the walls while retaining a little bit of playfulness,and seriousness, in the colors of the room.A child given a new toy,thats how i feel about my room, i dont mind the time it will take,the exasperation i experience when confronted with a problem,it is so much FUN!!!Of course i dont have much money,it took me 2 maybe 3 weeks to get the money for the ceiling,i buy a package of glitter a week thats about 8 or 9 bucks,i still have some white that i have had stashed away for a couple of years,still good though.Accent colors, i have three definates and 1 maybe, those will probably take me a couple of months,unless I pick up some extra work.All good though.I spent this week trying to lay out my plan on where to hang my prints and such, you would not believe how difficult it can be trying to put a square on the wall without the proper tools,oh and this week bought a roll of tape.I think it was 8 bucks but it is better then the blue tape as it has a repellent on it for paint that makes your lines crisper. I will post some pictures also,but dont expect too see much till its done.
Ohhhh,i almost forgot,life changeing news, i have for the first time been getting up at 8 am almost every day,now, for most thats like a soooo,but it has been almost 20 years since i have tried to do this so yup,feeling good about it myself. I guess thats it for now and no i never stop thinking about you,love to all and to all may there be joy in your life,marino.
Ok, now as to what i have been doing since my last post on the 9th.Darn i just realized that was exactly 2 weeks ago today,hehehe.Michael and Michele both had birthdays,and my friend Sal,who i have known for oh sooo long,hehehe.Work has been same,insufficent,but i am working on improving that, finally, i procrastinate until its too late then go crazy trying to fix things, lordy,lordy, will i ever learn, hehehe.Last week i finally worked up the resolve to try and get some more business,i made 7 cold calls,i realize that is not alot,however it is definitely an improvement over nothing.I did 3 one day then 4 on the following day, its mainly just a way to get me to overcome the fear of doing sales and that rejection thing. i also went to a small business and veterans outreach center,i pass it all the time, think of going in but keep putting it off,so i am a little more proud of myself.Not too complain but 450.00 a week is not cutting it and though i have managed to keep things up,it is definitely time to grow or go as they say.Scotty says we are maintaining,but thats about all we are doing, so i am going to give it a shot,hell if i can figure it out i may get some work ,subbing or trying to get a major contract.Right now,though i am going to just do the cold calls till i can figure out how to get a hold of some of the major contractors.
DANCE,cant let that go,yes, i have been out every w/e,cost is about 10.00 for the entire w/e,so i dont feel too guilty about that.I only went to Spinnakers this w/e and last,Orange Ave.played this weekend,they were good,the previous weekend,i got my socks rocked by Natalie Stovall. I do not enjoy country music,however ,she managed to turn me a little bit.First of all she is a performer,and she plays the sweetest and sexiest fiddle i have heard in awhile.I confess i was at all 3 shows and when she returns in November, I will be there,anticipating.Who would have ever thought? The w/e previous Spinnaker had a country band,it was a filler i will admit,so bad i left after a couple of songs,going to La Vela, which i have to admit i had not been too in too long.I ran into a couple of people i knew and it was actually a pretty good time.Oh,just remembered ,i actually have footage of me dancing at Spinnakers,a guy recorded me,he was out with a couple of girls and i guess they thought i was alright.At any rate, he introduced himself to me tried to hook me up with one of the girls ,so i explained i was married and we just talked for a bit which was fun.When Scotty returns i will ask him to put the clip on here.
Office,oh hell yeah,finally!!!!!Taking the spare bedroom and doing a conversion.I call it the office,but its really going to be a Marino room.My artwork,books ,all those little things that bring pleasure to my senses, a true representation of myself, and it is taking FOREVER,hehehe,and will probably take eternity to complete, all this i say with a smile though, broke,not wanting too settle for anything other then my dream, oh well it will be worth it .Too start with it was this ugly brownish tan that took 3 coats of primer,do you believe it,to get rid of.I did the ceiling first, i had to take part of it down then ended up trying to fix all the dimples in it, finally got that primed,then covered it with a coat of Behr semi gloss pure white,adding a second coat of the same that i had mixed some crystals in, trying to pop it.I think i will probably redo it as i dont think the glitter shows enough, i also discovered the ceiling fan is off center,ughhhh.Oh well,that just gives me an opportunity to come up with something,what i have no idea,hehehe. Paint,ahhh,the colors of the world run through my mind, i believe i have picked out my primary colors,it being a small room the pure white will act as a base.Life is too colorful to stop there however and my artwork while colorful, i am trying to use as an exclamation on the walls while retaining a little bit of playfulness,and seriousness, in the colors of the room.A child given a new toy,thats how i feel about my room, i dont mind the time it will take,the exasperation i experience when confronted with a problem,it is so much FUN!!!Of course i dont have much money,it took me 2 maybe 3 weeks to get the money for the ceiling,i buy a package of glitter a week thats about 8 or 9 bucks,i still have some white that i have had stashed away for a couple of years,still good though.Accent colors, i have three definates and 1 maybe, those will probably take me a couple of months,unless I pick up some extra work.All good though.I spent this week trying to lay out my plan on where to hang my prints and such, you would not believe how difficult it can be trying to put a square on the wall without the proper tools,oh and this week bought a roll of tape.I think it was 8 bucks but it is better then the blue tape as it has a repellent on it for paint that makes your lines crisper. I will post some pictures also,but dont expect too see much till its done.
Ohhhh,i almost forgot,life changeing news, i have for the first time been getting up at 8 am almost every day,now, for most thats like a soooo,but it has been almost 20 years since i have tried to do this so yup,feeling good about it myself. I guess thats it for now and no i never stop thinking about you,love to all and to all may there be joy in your life,marino.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
the movie,how to lose a guy in ten days
well just got done watching how to lose a guy in 10 days,funny,endearing and it made me think about things.My dad,he met every woman that was important in my life,crazy place to star but i miss him.In the movie,he brings her over to meet his family,and his mother states he never brought another woman over,i guess we only want to bring home those that we find important,those we feel will be important enough to share our deepest secrets with,comfortable and secure enough that no matter what our family says, embarrassed us with,no harm will come to our relationship.i keep using the words us,but this is only as a comfort zone,in actuality it is only myself i can write about,.My dad always just wanted me to be happy,did not always think i was making a good choice,however he embarrassed me or made the women feel uncomfortable,what else can you ask for.They always fell for him anyways,he was just that kind of guy.
LOVE,with it i can conquer the world,without,is only the kind of existence that seems grey,foggy,a monotone existence,where you just put one foot in front of the other.Barry White says it well,you are my everything.Old school,yes but to the romantic one of a kindred spirit.Where to go from here?My age,57,a number,it tells not of the young child inside,the spirit that flows in rapturous harmony with every note of music,a dreamer of enchantment,the bitterness of being judged by those younger basing all on appearance,the joy when they see the spirit that lives inside making them desirous to be me.Quiet,am i,until i hear the music,see a womans desire to get to know me,scared i am always,only the music freeing my inhibitions,afraid of a life where love has knocked at my door,entered and shall be no more.Loss of that romantic moment,where to kiss is as satisfying,maybe even better then the actual act of sex.Twinkle,twinkle send shivers through me when i see that twinkle in her eyes,comfort in her arms,where i feel the security that no matter what,it will be ok.Wrapping her in my arms kissing the back of her sweet head,desiring to protect her from all bad,walking down a street,fingers wrapped together,holding hands,exclaiming to the world,we are one.Life,has been good to me.Is it age that stops,the knowledge of a love lost,or the fight ,that drains the spirit,for i refuse to accept what reality offers me.Drowning,overwhelmed,i struggle to the surface seeking,the tiniest bit of air.Seeing others,most younger though not all,loving someone,irregardless of the world around them,denying judgement of themselves by others, resplendent,dazzling and daring all in their display of love for one another.Here,i look for my breath,painful to draw into myself,for it is not i,its truth being anything is possible,even for one such as i.They come in all shapes,sizes,races,ages intermingling,boundaries non existence,torn down by the force of love.Hope,a light only dimmed by loves light,breaks through sustaining me making life possible,its promise of possibility making all endurable.
Jealousy,does rear her ugly head,if just for he briefest moment,sadness as my life whips through sweet memories of yesterday,anger at myself,mad at my fear,of never having told,making it seem like i dont care,what do i know of you?I know you are there,hidden from my view,life it is a stage and i,one of its actors,showing life is being lived, existence is being maintained,if only for the briefest glimpse of you.
It seems like i am my own worst enemy,my friends have always thought it humorous that i could never tell when women where interested in me,which was true,it is also true that i,i have always been intimidated by women,i am attracted to,or even worse feared i would be considered inadequate sexually.Fear,always afraid,hell of a thing for someone as romantic as myself.So i guess i have been fortunate that the women in my life had the courage to overcome my own doubts.I was master of subtle hints,letting them know i was interested,scared of taking that first step.Women,have shown an interest,their failure,if you wish to call it such,being in that they only displayed an interest in a sexual form.I am realistic enough,maybe harshly so,in the knowledge that i am not that great in bed.Maybe it is just my own perception,women seemed ok with me,but,love,for me is the magical elixir,the leveler that makes even the worst,the best for another.
Love,that strength which can overcome all,is so fragile in its beginnings,like the first thread in a spiders web.The moment we first realize we are captured in the web,its beginnings tease us.tearing me from within,like a wind whipping thru the pages of a book,each page opening to reveal all my weaknesses,scaring me ,making me question myself,my heart screaming to tell,my fear rendering me mute. Interpretation,here i which we were telepathic,if only emotionally.Safe it would be,honest,so you and i,would not hurt one another.Sex,it appears you seem only to be interested in,or offering,thats scary,would you scorn me,maybe laugh at me.For you see,i am excited more by your laugh,that look in your eye,the thought of holding your hand,or holding you as you sleep,SEX scares me,the joy of being intimate,the knowledge you accept me as i am,that is the nectar of my existence.Scared,hell yes,for some a kiss is nothing,for me,it is act of saying you have power over me,its a surrender,the sweetness undescribable.The overcoming of fear,that moment when lips first touch,the feel of our bodies molding together,a dream that is now real,i am yours,you can hurt me,i give you this freely,with trepidation,i savor this,pulling back to see what truth there is in your eyes.Here,the kiss that seemingly innocent beginning,begins the web.On this can a thing of wonder and beauty sparkle forth each strand giving strength,each day it sparkles anew with another weave wove.It all starts with that first strand,the one so difficult to start.
In the movie,both people have two different objectives,one to lose someone,thr other to gain someone,and yet through the wonder of being themselves,the magic of love and being honest with each other ends up in a happy ending.This is me,the optimist who believes the power of love can overcome,the hardest thing is the honesty,which makes you so vulnerable.Once found,it gives those a strength second to none,a shield of protection in defiance of all.
LOVE,with it i can conquer the world,without,is only the kind of existence that seems grey,foggy,a monotone existence,where you just put one foot in front of the other.Barry White says it well,you are my everything.Old school,yes but to the romantic one of a kindred spirit.Where to go from here?My age,57,a number,it tells not of the young child inside,the spirit that flows in rapturous harmony with every note of music,a dreamer of enchantment,the bitterness of being judged by those younger basing all on appearance,the joy when they see the spirit that lives inside making them desirous to be me.Quiet,am i,until i hear the music,see a womans desire to get to know me,scared i am always,only the music freeing my inhibitions,afraid of a life where love has knocked at my door,entered and shall be no more.Loss of that romantic moment,where to kiss is as satisfying,maybe even better then the actual act of sex.Twinkle,twinkle send shivers through me when i see that twinkle in her eyes,comfort in her arms,where i feel the security that no matter what,it will be ok.Wrapping her in my arms kissing the back of her sweet head,desiring to protect her from all bad,walking down a street,fingers wrapped together,holding hands,exclaiming to the world,we are one.Life,has been good to me.Is it age that stops,the knowledge of a love lost,or the fight ,that drains the spirit,for i refuse to accept what reality offers me.Drowning,overwhelmed,i struggle to the surface seeking,the tiniest bit of air.Seeing others,most younger though not all,loving someone,irregardless of the world around them,denying judgement of themselves by others, resplendent,dazzling and daring all in their display of love for one another.Here,i look for my breath,painful to draw into myself,for it is not i,its truth being anything is possible,even for one such as i.They come in all shapes,sizes,races,ages intermingling,boundaries non existence,torn down by the force of love.Hope,a light only dimmed by loves light,breaks through sustaining me making life possible,its promise of possibility making all endurable.
Jealousy,does rear her ugly head,if just for he briefest moment,sadness as my life whips through sweet memories of yesterday,anger at myself,mad at my fear,of never having told,making it seem like i dont care,what do i know of you?I know you are there,hidden from my view,life it is a stage and i,one of its actors,showing life is being lived, existence is being maintained,if only for the briefest glimpse of you.
It seems like i am my own worst enemy,my friends have always thought it humorous that i could never tell when women where interested in me,which was true,it is also true that i,i have always been intimidated by women,i am attracted to,or even worse feared i would be considered inadequate sexually.Fear,always afraid,hell of a thing for someone as romantic as myself.So i guess i have been fortunate that the women in my life had the courage to overcome my own doubts.I was master of subtle hints,letting them know i was interested,scared of taking that first step.Women,have shown an interest,their failure,if you wish to call it such,being in that they only displayed an interest in a sexual form.I am realistic enough,maybe harshly so,in the knowledge that i am not that great in bed.Maybe it is just my own perception,women seemed ok with me,but,love,for me is the magical elixir,the leveler that makes even the worst,the best for another.
Love,that strength which can overcome all,is so fragile in its beginnings,like the first thread in a spiders web.The moment we first realize we are captured in the web,its beginnings tease us.tearing me from within,like a wind whipping thru the pages of a book,each page opening to reveal all my weaknesses,scaring me ,making me question myself,my heart screaming to tell,my fear rendering me mute. Interpretation,here i which we were telepathic,if only emotionally.Safe it would be,honest,so you and i,would not hurt one another.Sex,it appears you seem only to be interested in,or offering,thats scary,would you scorn me,maybe laugh at me.For you see,i am excited more by your laugh,that look in your eye,the thought of holding your hand,or holding you as you sleep,SEX scares me,the joy of being intimate,the knowledge you accept me as i am,that is the nectar of my existence.Scared,hell yes,for some a kiss is nothing,for me,it is act of saying you have power over me,its a surrender,the sweetness undescribable.The overcoming of fear,that moment when lips first touch,the feel of our bodies molding together,a dream that is now real,i am yours,you can hurt me,i give you this freely,with trepidation,i savor this,pulling back to see what truth there is in your eyes.Here,the kiss that seemingly innocent beginning,begins the web.On this can a thing of wonder and beauty sparkle forth each strand giving strength,each day it sparkles anew with another weave wove.It all starts with that first strand,the one so difficult to start.
In the movie,both people have two different objectives,one to lose someone,thr other to gain someone,and yet through the wonder of being themselves,the magic of love and being honest with each other ends up in a happy ending.This is me,the optimist who believes the power of love can overcome,the hardest thing is the honesty,which makes you so vulnerable.Once found,it gives those a strength second to none,a shield of protection in defiance of all.
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