Labor Day weekend

      No title yet,there is no telling where this will lead. Here, I am simply trying to keep the gap between posts from becoming too large. Sooooo, where to start,hmmmm. Ok, lets start with work,ughhhhh, actually only because i feel guilty about my last 2 posts being entirely personal,hehehehe,and i feel as if i should at least give work a passing motion,hehehe.Actually things have not been going to bad, more would be good, and I finally put a post on craigslist,the only response was from the yellow pages, but it is a start. The Old Fashion Floor store,through a recommendation by Stoney Thompson, gave me a chance to make some money and show them what i got. It went pretty well and they paid me pretty well, especially when we had not discussed the price before the job. I also got a firm commitment from the county building to do some work thursday and friday of next week. Bills have had me scared for awhile now and that will be a lot of help, I also did the windows for the Raceway, only 50 bucks, but better that then nothing. Oh and on that note, my propane buffer went down, I am gonna have to throw it in the shop, but it is too important for my work not to. I also did the store next to the house and traded some extra work for a carton of smokes, which helps.At any rate things are improving if not fasst enough for me, better then last month, and with a little work things could get better. My biggest problem, quite simply is i really dont know how to bid on jobs, like cleaning restaurants,office buildings and such. I am sure if i could learn , it would help me in my endeavor to stay in business. My biggest fear being I bid too low, knowing I need the work. On a positive note, I should be making enough to spend more money on gas in order to get more work. It is humorous,you can have enough to pay the bills and be at a standstill, due to the fact you cant go out to find more work, due to insufficient funds for gas,hehehee. Express Lane got another floor company, it did not kill me emotionally so I guess I am getting better.
     Labor Day weekend, playing Combat Arms, which has been a lot of fun,even though my k.d.r. is going to hell,hehehe. Funny I am doing better in Death room elimination then I am in One Man Army. the skill is just not there or maybe it will just take more time, or a new computer, which will be awhile. I won 25 bucks at bingo yesterday too which helped, making it possible for me to go out dancing tonite. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, the dance.
     Friday night, the little ones came by to spend the night and stayed up till 10 or 10;30, mischievous little wonders they are. Delving into everything and turning the norm into wondrous objects. Full of life and questions, sparking laughter,and a sense of anew to things that have been taken for granted. What better way to start a journey, with a light step. On every trip to Spinnakers, I have a moment of doubt,a question, if maybe I am not too old ,acting out in a way not considered proper for someone of my age. Thoughts of being ridiculed,or an indication of not fitting in, or a part of. It really is difficult, I know to others it may not appear so, I try to act soooo like i dont care, reality check. of course i do.
     It is not myself that overcomes the awkwardness, that feeling of insecurity, as i stand there, worrying about laughter erupting, or even worse, younger people that purposely, or even accidentally, notice me or my dancing , their looks ,through my eyes, judging me in a way to make me self conscious of every move. I do not state that there is no confidence in my ability to enjoy myself, it is simply that I have become more aware of how cruel,even without intention people can be. Last night I noticed a guy in his late 50 or so dancing inside the club,by himself, on a full dance floor. Off to the side a trio of young men where making fun of him, without his knowledge,not that they were being rude, they were simply being their young selves. Now of course,hehehe, they were not dancing, and I was tempted to tell them to to stop it and get down there themselves, so often people will pick on or at someone simply because they are nervous or afraid to do the same. I felt kinda guilty myself, I have seen this guy for awhile and sometimes,always in my mind never out loud, I critic his dancing, the truth though is at least he is down there with the crowd and I have to respect the fact there is no shame in his game. I have to respect him for that. It is far more difficult to take a chance then to stay safe as I do.
      Fear, in my last couple of posts i have mentioned fear, while not really defining it, according to my own thoughts. OK, now we are beginning to rock and roll, heheheh.e, lets do this. Afraid of another persons wrong interpretation, yes, of what might be, could be, about what I think, or feel. Confident, within myself, I am but  with the full realization that others vision of what I see may not be colored the same. Some may think iI am showboating, maybe trying to be something I am not, or trying to impress the ladies,hehehe. I dance ,simply because ther is no other choice, I have been given a gift, for which I am eternally grateful, music is what i am. I have no choice,unless its denial, of what or who I am, there is no choice,no option with the exception of becoming deaf. I never asked for this gift, definately would rather listen quietly in the corner, yet, when the music begins ,there really is no option, for it must be celebrated, here I celebrate life, and it is not my will,it is the will of the musics desire for a physical embodiment, which chooses me with all my inadequacies, self doubts and fears to make itself be known. Is this not the funniest thing in the world, little ole me trying to serve as an interpreter for such a magical thing. I will be the first o admit I am getting older, I cant dance and express myself as well as i would like, I wish I had money, to learn how to dance better,learn all these new steps, every night I go out dancing, my thought is to start working out simply so i can be express the dance longer, better, yet I dont. Fear, maybe of being happy,a slow self destruct, perhaps the bowing of spirit to the masses, and their sense of  how I should act. I am one who sees and thinks too much about tomorrow. I fear my thoughts, not out of fear, but out of fear of maybe i am right, what is the cost of my dreams, is it right at my wisdom of years to ask one younger, less experienced in the ways of the world to take that chance. At what cost, would my or our dream, consist of. Do i believe ? Yes, but do i believe that i have the right to ask another to pay that price,no. You see the realization of somethings unique beauty and wonder, and the price to be paid for it, is something that can only be determined by the individual, here is where fear, comes into effect. I fear the subconscious effort of convincing another to take that dangerous road, confident in the fact  that they are as aware as i am, I would rather be without, then to influence a decision that is life changing. I remember a relationship I had with another. We met through a dance,she was out with her mother, I was actually on my way to work and just came in to dance for a litlle bit. She asked me to dance as she was too good looking for me to have the courage to ask,hehehe, turns out she was married, rich,her and her husband owned some fitness clubs, and definitely out of my league. After a little bit I had to leave for work, the time with her was special, and as I left I gave her my #, telling her the smartest thing she could do was throw it away. For almost 2 months I searched for that woman, quit working ,going dancing every night,finally the guys told me to quit or thy would quit, i asked for one more night,lo and behold she called me. This was something I did not ever expect, but the feeling for her had been real, I just never thought it would be right for me to make that decision for her,and neither did I think I had that much to offer. Nuts, yes it drove me crazy,the journey,and all my friends too,hehehee, but there are no regrets for the beauty of that special time were untainted by the idea I had Influenced her in any way ,you see she had come to her own conclusions and made her own decisions and that was one of the beauties of her gift to me.
     Pretty good at least to me, all week I had been thinking about  using the word afraid in my previous 2 blogs and writing something to explain what I meant, I am giving myself a pat on the back here,hehehe. It is not easy for a person to be the person they are and because we are unique individuals with our own interpretations of things I just wanted to define it for clarity.
     Now hehehehe, back to the weekend, i cant stop laughing the way I jump around. I did go to Spinnakers, the band was good not great,but after following Natalie, it would have to be some sort of let down,no offense intended. Noahs Ark is good ,just not captivating,with that something a little extra, I had a pretty good night though, with two instances of note, the first consisted of some guy coming up to me and congratulating me on the way I interacted with the little ones when I took them to the neighborhood store,he stated that he thought it great to see that someone could have fun and showed they cared so much at the same time. That kinda threw me a little but as long as it was a good thing ,no problem. the other incident at the club was when this guy brought me a coke. I know it sounds strange but his girl and him had met before and we had a good time at the club,with them stating they felt as if life would not be to bad if they could be like me when they got older. Anywayssss, I think that people are worried that when you get older there is no life, at any rate he came over,stating it was nice to see me and they were happy to see me still around. Life the important sweet moments, are not long continuous stretches but special moments that make the mundane  times in life bearable. Oh,No a song just came on starting with the words, boy sometimes I just want to dance with you, one of lifes, my lifes little sweet humorous moments. To go on, yes, i danced, it was good, and interesting. I stay in my little area and enjoy, sometimes the crowd enticing me to come down and that does make me feel good, a part of ,even though I am solitary in my space. Saturday night was definitely more of a relaxed time, I swayed more then danced, it got a little crowded in my space but that was ok. I did not feel as if I had to put on a show and it was relaxing, hell I even left earlier then I thought I would. Dance I did,hehehe, it just wa one of those nights, and there was this situation at first also. Hehehehe, sometimes when I dance it attracts female attention, usually momentarily quick, you dance well or I like the way you dance, and its a done deal. Sometimes, it is not so quick, a woman was checking me out from behind me and decided she would stand beside my space, Well, she made me feel a little uncomfortable so I just sat my ass down,and stayed in that position until someone else hit on her. I may have been thinking too much, but where normally I might have danced beside another woman and she may have joined in for a sec., i just felt this woman wanted to do more then dance. To keep things safe, I just did not put myself in that situation, and she stayed the whole damn set, which did have some good songs to dance to.  A lesson in self control,hehehe, at any rate yes i will probably go for a little bit tonight,do you feel the love, until next time, oh and by the way, Marino, you really are not that bad a guy, confused, emotional and different but I do love me being who I am.Just in case you need that someday in the future, you can smile now,hehehehe.