the spell

    I simply can not sleep,here it is Monday, I actually worked a lot and ,I cant turn my mind off, it is glowing with thoughts,passionate,hot,my senses are reeling ,while quicksilver thoughts flash through my mind.. At 58,I should know better,what is wrong with me? Will i ever stop,being the dreamer, can I for once, ah hell i cant even be honest with myself, out of fear of admission,reality would set in and all those reasons for NOT, would flicker in this young hearts mind, all those reasons saying, YES, would be exposed. I sit here typing ,as if it is some form of exorcism, a way to drive thoughts and feelings from myself. Like the acknowledgement, that  I am thought of ,oh hell, if anyone can drive themselves up a tree,believe me,I am the cat who owns the dog that is chasing me,hehehe. Ah, finally,I have made myself smile as I thought of that little saying myself just now. Intensity, can be dangerous to me ,the relief through a smile,dance, or actually just something which eases my emotional overture, is so much appreciated at a time like this. Even now frustration emits, but it is controllable,arising from not saying exactly what i wish,hehehe, it is a dance, and as I laugh ,for i know what the truth is ,it is so similar to me dancing alone, oh the two are one and the same.Here i am dancing softly, to conceal the twirling dervish flight of my being, my feet dancing with passion, my soul lit and afire. . with what..a dream..of my own, unbidden, and unleashed by a....where others would say an angel, i would say a demoness, for it rocked my world with spells unknown to mortal beings, ensnared a place ,known to few and sent me to the heavens, but all alone.
     Now I am not going to lie the way i transposed my essence into words has amazed me here,in the future,when i read this i will definitely know what i was talking about,hehehe. I swear am never gonna grow up,at the least I refuse to learn, I armor myself, my shields strong,and BAM, like a spell has been woven,they melt. Ok,so what has been going on,with you lately Marino,hmmmm. I know i am laughing to myself right now but lets do this,hehehehe. To the best of my ability,lets dance.
    I teased myself this weekend,to no avail,i managed to stay home Friday night,using Christenes birthday party and the fact Donna did not go to play her bingo,as an excuse, a reason for me to stay home. I have not gone out to Spinnakers for i dont know how long,no dancing,trying to be something i am not and, you know as i say that ,I realize i have been doing that a lot, Donna , i think even suggested i go, but it just did not happen for one reason or another. I just dont want to be honest with myself, for i do know why.Ok, thats enough Marino,lordy boy get your shit together,hehehe.Back to the subject matter at hand, Saturday, was Christenes birthday party, and jokingly I told her husband Rocky i was going to go to Spinakers that night. He then asked if I would be his d.d. for the night ,so he could go,I told him Natalie Stovall would be playing and,with that statement i knew I was really going to go.Now he did say he could not go due to it being Christenes birthday, but for myself it was like unlocking a door,and there would be no closing it,
    I arrived late at the club and they had already played one set,arriving during break,which kinda got to me,oh well,i figured probably for the best anyway.You ever wanted to sit and talk with some one,and it just doesn't happen,thats me,hehehe, and it is quite simply fear,not a fear of the other person,but that dark fear,the snake coiled inside that strikes when most vulnerable,that you are not what the other sees, it is looking in a mirror,and the distortion in your mind makes you different from who you are,all the insecurities making you less then you are.BOY, I am good at messing myself up,actually I just run scared, I am who I am and thats it ,I am always afraid of coming up short,hehehehe,yeah that way too,hehehe.
     The night,was amazing,I t was the Fourth of July, Christmas, and Valentines day all in one. I saw people i had not seen in a bit, the d,j, played music that made my feet twitch, and Natalie was everything I had  imagined her to be. Often,when I recollect a memory, I color it and the reality is not the same as the memory,here it was similar to the truth, a symphony of  everything that it was supposed to be , ecstasy, for me . The night colored ,not like the subtle colors of a rainbow,bright, striking , arrows,penetrating, exhilarating and lifting me into realms of abandonment, that i wish i could share, for here there was no fear, no hiding,I strut, I said look what you have unleashed,feel the power you have  given me and so I DANCED. Not for just me,for all to see, to feel the magic created inside of me, knowing with a touch of sadness, this cant be shared, unless it is already there,this is a gift omly a few have known, but i try,and through the truth of the emotion within, some can glimpse, a taste of the nectar the gods have given me.
    That look,which is all i will say, that was enough.
   Sunday, I know, I could not resist,I told myself, it will not be the same, what night could possibly compare with the night before. I had left early Saturday,because i was plain scared, of someone, talking to me.Then got pissed on Sunday,because I tried to get there when the band started and got there too early, then on top of it all, I see Natalie and the band sitting at a table so I ran to the little bar,hehehe. Once they started playing it was all good, actually I was not so moved to dance as i swayed to the music,most of the night. That is not to say i did not dance it was just like I was , I really cant describe it,maybe happy,hehehe. It was good,i felt as if it was ok just to be there. A soft web enfolding you,a warmth inside,and knowing its ok, to just be. Electricity,sparking ,emotions, body and mind,and all the while it is ok. Placid, though is definitely not there, hell there was a guy kinda thick,well built and a litlle buzzed who kept bumping into me, I know he was enjoying the music, but he was interfering with me enjoying it, so i kindly grabbed his shoulder and asked him to stay out of my personal space. Lordy, I believe I pissed him off,and while he looked at me with a bit of drunken shock,he stopped to tell his friend, next to him, and me, I was trying to nonchalantly figure out where on the dance floor he was gonna knock me tooo,hehehe. It is not very often i let people get too me, but i guess this was one of those times and  I am still proud of the way I stuck up to him, hehehe.Natalie did a song off her new album and the title was something like whats wrong with a dance or two, rock my world,I dont recall the lyrics but the thoughts exploded in my mind,then later on she made my night as she played at me and I danced> my best dancing it was not but she made rise to the occasion and after that set, I left, wanting to talk with her, yet scared to death. My mind, my emotions, my worst enemy. So I sit here grateful for the peace of mind i acquired while typing this out ,now with the end nearby my thoughts and feelings again start to unfold and it is ok,I am who I am and thats just me.Quite honestly I know, it is too late, I am fucked, and  I am smiling so silly, but maybe it will be easier,probably not,for I am a dreamer. I  want to say more but really what else can I say, it was a time that for me will always be, a dream that came true, goodnight and do you feel the love, marino.