friends with benefits

         what a movie.the feelings it dragged up from within,thoughts,fears,it peels out fresh from my heart and mind.first i must admit i always thought until i saw it that it was a kids movie,which could not be farther from the truth.i laughed and i cried,memories pulling at me ,honesty of thought,realization my fears have commanded me too much.wouldnt you know it that song,not over you,was playing while i was typing this,remember justins dad talking about dee dee,life.what can u say,i think well i can not really talk for others but the whirlpool of emotions always circling around that emotion,love.
         after my first marriage,i dont believe,i had that much casual sex.my own fears,inadequacies,and self doubt,always prevailed.oh,i had sex with girls i called friends,but i always knew them for awhile or we casually dated,honestly there were not too many,simply because of my fear.i remember this one girl from a.a. asking me to come home with her,attractive and actually kinda nice,i told her no i was going to ride my bike with some friends,so she,jokingly,told me she would not rape me,with a laugh,and i just went on my way telling her,some other time,actually i was scared,i wanted her,i was just plain scared she would not find my performance up to par.so my whole life has gone,always the same ole,same ole.after i quit drinking drinking,oh god,no more excusing poor performance with alcohol,or being able to put it off saying i had too much to drink.i always told women i am shy,but truth,did not want to be laughed at.you know,they might not have laughed,i may even have been ok,i doubt great,to be honest,it was that i have always been my own worst enemy.
          the laughter,casual talk during sex,that freedom that i saw those two actors portray while being friends with benefits,god how i have hungered for that.that sharing of one another,with the acceptance of who you are,no fears,its ok to say what you feel,think,i like this,dont do that,with a smile.casual conversation while resting inside,feeling that comfortable warmth,being together,not having to be some super stud,i would say john holmes,but thats never gonna happen.hehehehehe,i am laughing,but inside i know i cry somewhere,i think of u.i have tried,to be open,share,not be inhibited,always to be met with some form of rejection,if not at the moment,it gets tossed back in your face later,people always screaming,trust me,you can tell me anything,its ok.believing,wanting to know its ok to be me,that feeling of hurt when its used against you,i even supplied the ammunition,what a fool.i am probably wrong but you i trust,i have always felt,that with you i could have said anything,you my dee dee.
          isnt it funny how what started as a lark,a joyous romp of sexual freedom and friendship,became a love story.me,myself,and i,well i could not have carried that off,i could not have acted like it was less then it meant   to me.being an open book,a transparent glass full of emotion,to have had sex,to deny what i feel,that is beyond my capabilities.in the movie others told them what the reality was,both in denial,open to all others to see,that is real,the truth covered,is only covered to the eyes of those doing the hiding,thinking its hidden,to all others,a flimsy wrapping of delicate lace,burning,from within,with a fierce fire.bright, escalating,bold and revealed by semiconscious action.its like two magnets,the only way to cover their attraction is to separate them far away or reverse the polarity,and how can i hate.
          lost,i dont know,dream,always,i am the dreamer,the romantic,if i have lost,i have none to blame but myself,my fears and a knowledge that some things can not be concealed,once the box is opened.the gift offered,once accepted,the rest i will leave for you to finish.enuf said and good night.