the facebook ipo

  well,well,yesterdayyyyyy,what a day.its funny,56 years old and still learning that acting like a grown up,not only sucks,the knowledge of doing the right thing dosent prevent you from suffering even if doing the right thing.lordy,lordy,you,are probably imagining some kind of blown up dilemma,when it realistically,at least in real world perspective was quite simple.as i am a rather complex person,hahaha,and an over emotional child,hehehe,we are going to have to step back a little bit,in order for me to to tell you enough to comprehend,damn that sounded good,did it not,hehehe.
   this last year has been one of difficult financial times,the same for a lot of people,one of the goals i set for myself at the beginning of this situation was to get a new pond liner for our koi pond.the liner itself is 270.00,twice before i had managed to save up the money,only to have to use it for something else.what i do is save the money,from the previous weeks work and hold till the next payday,that way if an emergency or a situation occurred it would be kinda like a reserve.no,i used to make it and then spend it,however due to the finances and problems of the last year i have learned a little.the mortgage was also due,but i must confess,i usually run late paying it and most important of all,FACEBOOK WAS COMING OUT TOMORROW!!!!!
    Ok,to most not a big deal,to me the ipo,i had been dreaming of participating in.this goes back to a more financially stable part of my life,when my wife and i first met,my job consisted of trading stocks at home,i was what they referred to as a day trader,private,just for myself,but fairly successful at it.to some it may not seem like much,but i had due to my trades recieved an inquiry from my fidelity broker about working there,and in addition managed to support us for 4 years before i started making mistakes resulting from,playing with scared money.soooo,i quit playing,even though my wife still believed in me,i could not risk what i had left.
     back to the present,i picked up my paycheck,and went home.as i stated earlier i had managed to save the money from the pond liner but had gone through about half of it as my check was a day late,figuring on replenishing it from the check,no problem.during my wait i had been watching cnbc which i do almost religiously,all the hype was on the facebook ipo coming out on friday.all day i had been contemplating taking my money,opening an account and playing off the ipo.of course in my mind it was going to double or at least go up by half,so it was going to be in and out,quick money.the following morning i tried to disscuss my idea with my wife,to no avail,she would not even let me try to get my idea across.
    now,i am pissed,i sit on the couch and think how screwed up things in my life are,YES,I AM FEELING SORRY FOR ME,SO there.i am watching cnbc,hearing all the hype over facebook,getting mad at the world.now one of the people i listen to on cnbc is,jim cramer,who i think is pretty smart.now he advises against buying an ipo on the initial day,due to the markets voliability.the more i sit there,the worst i feel,and i am evens beginning to get upset with myself.soooooooooo,i decide to do the right thing,at least in my mind.i get up ,head for the door and tell my wife i am going to pay the mortgage,get in the van heading for friendly check cashing.trying hard to hold the tears back,telling myself  iwas doing the right thing,fighting the child in me that wanted oh so bad to buy my facebook stock,while arguing that i would not be able to live with myself if the stock had tanked.paying the mortgage that was a neccisity,putting it off till next week if i lost that was a possibility,but risking it all when i had worked so hard to get this far,oh the sweetness of going back to my previous ways beckoned like water in dry desert,teary eyed and full of resolve,anger at everything including myself,for getting in this predicament.if only,you would not believe the way i beat myself,on that ride.my wife calls as i get about 2/3 of the way there,asking me if i had wanted to use the money for the facebook ipo,telling me she did not realize until after i left,why i would not quit watching it.she told me to go ahead and open an account if i thought it was the right thing to do.now i even had the wifes permission,i kept driving,right up to friendly check cashing,went inside and proceeded to pay my mortgage.the clerk noticing how upset i was,all teary eyed,asked what was wrong.i told her,that even at 56,i was still trying to be a grown up,and that it sucked.paid the mortgage.
     i get home,walking quickly to the bedroom,hand my wife,in the kitchen the reciept for the mortgage,and sitting on the bed,cried like a baby.i buried my face in the pillow and sobbed,and sobbed.thoughts of all my conflicting desires,the ipo,my wife not listening,her show of belief in me,wanting to be who i had been,carefree,the reality of living by lifes rules,and the knowledge others depend on me doing the right thing,swept through my mind like an avalanche sweeping the mountainside.you know,i made it,all was good,the night came and i managed to have a fairly pleasant one.i watched cnbc,and it was ok,i still thought there was going to be one hell of a day,even if i was just a spectator.so set the alarm and went to sleep setting the alarm to get up in time for the ipo.
       i cant believe i got up on time,working nights,well you can imagine,but,i did.glorious,glorious,way to start the day,life is great,but i had forgotten the rush of adrenaline,the feeling its you against the world,and most importantly the knowledge that you were going to come out ahead at the end of the day.ahhhh,how can you describe a passion,its feeling,the knowledge that its all on you,i cant but if you ever loved doing something,you know.facebook,its ipo,fizzled,according to my expectations,the joy of watching,the intensity of feelings that had been buried,that came back,and there is always another stock,some other day,when i can afford it.i enjoyed myself today,i am even kinda proud of myself today,but most of all i can say i am at peace today.still cant wait for tomorrow though,hehehehe.