Well whats upppppppppp?miss this,writing,been on a self imposed exile,a sado type of punishment,no doubt,but life,well it has been interesting..thanks to the person who showed me that that others do pay attention to it.i guess even though i write for myself,the knowledge others have an interest,incurrs more of a desire,to speak out.hehehehe,i am going to be in the writers hall of fame,NOT,but momentary flashes of self importance,well i am only human,hahaha.
Beastly,the movie,what a love story,centered on the fact that we all have some form of ugliness in ourselves,whether physical,spiritual,or mental.it is based on the premise,that irregardless of our personal perception of self,the ugliness we see in self,we are still beautiful to others who see beyond our ugliness.the acceptance of who we are,even with the acknowledgement of the ugly in us,is this not the love we all wish for ?an acceptance of ourself,without the hiding of those things we deem ugly in ourselves,or a love that sees beyond our disfigurements.somethings we can change,love making it possible for us to become something we could not imagine,its magic,potent in its strength,giving us the ability to become a person,unimaginable,before its birth.love,the force,its desire,can change us,make us more then we are,more importantly,unselfish in the molting of our new self,a hunger for someone elses happiness,a glimpse into humanities capabilities.that rainbow,once seen,colorful,soft,bright,mystical,that remains in our memories,even though untouchable.
aggghh,my teeth,seldom do i smile anymore,always mindful of that front tooth that is gone,its gap cutting into my enjoyment of smiling.fearful,that look i receive when others see that atrocity,a lessening of self esteem,the awkwardness,reality undermining my self confidence,a chip in the facade i present to the world,its bitter acid weakening my enjoyment of life.who would have ever thought,something so small in the the the making of who i am could undermine me.forever on guard,even when i am bursting with joy or happiness,DONT SMILE,my insecurity portraying a misconception of self to the world,its not that i am not happy,i fear the ridicule in your eyes,that look,the way you MIGHT turn away,my fear,my insecurity,it owns me.fragile beast i am,only through my acting other then who i am,might i face you.
ok,i am back,what?you didnt even notice?well,then,you missed out on a trip to Tallahassee,seeing some floors getting beautified and a little bit of gossip.no,i am,not going to share it with you,you snooze you lose,so there,hehehehe.OH,and these sugar cookies,the ones i just made,you aint gonna get any either,but let me tell you they are simply sinfully good,crisp on the edges,with centers that melt in your mouth,and i am gonna eat them up.hehhehehe.stereo is rocking and feeeling good ,soooo,lets get back to the previous unappetizing subject,my missing tooth,and the affect it has had on my life.yukkk!
Fear of,i swear,at least in my life,has played too large a part,no matter its form,the hidden desire for acceptance,the need for acceptance based on self,the player i am,playing games in my mind sometimes the games cause,loss of self,hidden somewhere in the games i play in my mind.then i let go,reappear,and something else comes up i cant hide,ergo,my tooth or rather,the missing tooth.it sits on my mind heavily,always there,a visible sign of my inadequacy,to take care of myself,the inability of financial responsibility,or i would have been able to get it taken care of.my smile,gone,afraid your judgement will be the same as mine,unforgiving,honesty that i would rather not face,and the fear,you may pity,feel bad for and the shame of having no one to blame but myself.now,at this time i concede there are more important things that require my financial support,why cant i accept others may understand this,i am strong,unto myself and for others.why,do i fear so much,to smile?is it,i want to believe it is so important due to judgments i have made in the past about others,reflections of previous thoughts haunting me,the inability to see myself as a person with flaws like everyone else,or the most disturbing thought of all,someone may actually show me its not that important,actually still enjoy my company.i constantly state accept me for and as i am,this stern face that refuses to smile,this toothless one,the thought,you do accept me,that,that may be the true reason for not smiling,keeping you at a distance,isnt it truly safer?fear of,your acceptance of me,i think,i run,it isnt possible,what you like me,you care for me,in all things i am strong,here i melt,quivering,scared a man still a child inside,please dont hurt me,my smile,my inhibitions gone,you made me forget,i smiled.shocked,i realize,the magnitude of what has occured,i stop smiling.why arent you running,dont you see,are you blind,maybe my head was turned?you make me laugh,oh hell,you had to notice that big gap in my mouth,you are still here,maybe i am not that important,just someone to pass a few moments with.it would scare the hell out of me if my missing tooth wasnt that important to you,you might even like me,what would i do then.scary,huh?it is to me,so maybe the problem isnt mr.tooth,it may not even be you,i think i might just be afraid you would like me,you could hurt me,and that scares me to no end.
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