ghost

its the first time i have written in the title before i started typing,it is a thought that came from watching the show,more human,about a werewolf,ghost and a vampire.before i start i will state that it has been a good week,in all aspects,work went well,had one of the grandkids for a couple of hours and even experienced a right nice conversation with my wife one day.
    ghost,untouched,unheard,unseen,it is,while being non existent,it exists unknown.did you like the way i started a new paragraph,i am getting better,hehehe.ok,to go on,this is my biggest fear,a failure of being,a sense of being lost to others,i am probably not explaining this well,but hopefully will be able to explain myself better as i progress.loneliness, definitely a factor,feeling adrift in the world i exist,my ego valid only to myself,seeming to be of no value,with the exception of my work,to another human.i hunger for companionship,fear the possibility of rejection,with initialization of first contact.my facade,whole with no cracks,while within it i yearn to come out.my own belief in my sexual inadequacy,another shield,telling me i am so bad that it would not be right to inflict myself on another.i am  sure there is some truth,but how much, isn't that the question.a shield,keeping me safe from having to interact?its funny,i used to be so proud of myself sexually,free thinking and not constrained by my physique.one of the last great romantic lovers,hahaha,and at times i will admit appealing to the other sex.now.today i even use my age to cover the fact that i feel woman aren't as attracted to me.its not as if i actually vie for a woman's interest,i never forget i am married.untouched,unkissed,no hugs,a ghost,i unhappily will concede that sex in itself,does not have the same intensity as in my younger days,still the intertwining of two people,the sharing,ahhhhhhhhhthat is forever sweet,if just in my mind.hungering for a touch,something,just an acknowledgement that i am physical,a hug,something that shows i am existent.i talk and no one hears,my opinion previously one of value,unrequested by any,with the exception of work.where others used to listen with interest and ask for my advice,now,it is as,my opinions or thoughts are of no consequence.without going into too much detail,a lot of this has occurred since the breach with tom thumb.i assure you,i have not lost my intelligence over lost of my contract,with them.
     yup,did it again new paragraph,hehehe,takes so little to make me happy,besides i will admit i am showing off,its a little thing but ,you know, don't take a lot,hehehe.head of household,head of family,who me?well i used to be,now it is as if i am not even there.old school some may say,unsure myself,i think it has a lot to do with having lived life's many experiences and having survived that gives the elder ones of a family respect,all the culminating survival instincts that cant be taught without the living of it,maybe thats the the real answer.is it possible that the younger ones have learned all,or maybe my knowledge,similar to me is now antiquated.work,the intermingling with clerks,and the office,here i find my words still carry weight,my opinions are respected and even asked for.occasionally,even considered worth implementing in various ways.sad i find,for myself,to depend so heavily on work to supplement my worthiness as a contributor to life.i am proud of who i am,i believe that i have much to offer,and the fact that i am an emotional person,does not lessen the things i have learned.my fight to retain my individuality,one who does not follow the road most traveled,has taught me more.difficult,it is,proud i am,and scared to death,that it has reduced me to a ghost,to others.for me,my family is of prime importance,i do not act like they can bother me,my shields,you know,yet i never expected to,feel, unnecessary. that's a good way of putting it,trivial even,pity i wish for none,respect,i feel i have earned.damned if i will change being who i am,even at the cost of being a mote of dust in this terrifying and beautiful world.i face my fears,unknown to others everyday,uncomplaining and alone,i conquer them and live life to the best of my ability in that day,and not being god,i hunger for the companionship of one who cares.alas,i feel that there are some things that can only happen by happenstance,and not my wishing it to be,for being emotional and for being a romantic,and because i am only human,i firmly believe that it will only be when it is time to be and that i don't want to manipulate or cause it to be,that it will happen when it is right for me.i am just scared,afraid,that i am possibly becoming of less substance.i never thought of being well known,rich or infamous,content in knowing i made a difference in the lives of the few lives i did entwine with.i imagine myself now,if i died today,a funeral of remember whens,not he did or impacted,all thinking of before,not yesterday,because i was not there,a ghost before my death.my thoughts,dreams,romance unfulfilled,love not given,bound within,battles,won,lost,knowledge unshared.so i talk here,a ghost who can communicate if only by this blog,my thoughts,for all to read,hopefully i have shared something to make your life better in some way.
        i am getting good at this,hehehe.my life is good,i mean what i say and say what i mean especially here,there are many ways i am more fortunate then others and while i am very serious about what i stated here today,life,equals hope,a possibility that things will get better,through our own work or the twist of fate,that makes life what it is.the impact that the ghost statement made on my psyche,carried within me all week,was a revelation to me in that i had to make a statement about my feelings,having a faith in life and my life in particular,allowed me to share my fear,while i accept it ,it and no one owns me,i believe that life gets better,mine will,so will yours,it is ok to be afraid,and i am.it is not ok to let that fear own you,use,it to overcome it and that,that right there will improve your life,give you the strength to handle this and there will come a time when you will solidify,as i refuse to be ghost,at least in my own mind.you see i will and do make a difference,maybe unknowingly,my love will touch someone ,and i will forever be a romantic,if only in my dreams,loving all,your ghost,have a good one.