Its saturday two days after thanksgiving, a quiet day in comparison to the days before. I played a lot of combat arms,slept late, visited my mother, talked to my carol, my first wife about marino and generally did nothing else. I did some thinking ,hehe, but more on that later or some other time.
Thanksgiving was nice, frantic as usual, but a really good time. donna was cooking all night the night before,cooking a ham, turkey, and stuffing, all tasty with her special touch, she is a feeler not a measurer so its always a little different, always good.pies of every variety, apple,mixed berry, cherry, i cant even think of all of them.since christine was working, rocky had to do the cooking there, deep frying a turkey, and of course there was green bean casserole,corn , cornbread ,vegetables of all types,yams golden brown, topped with marshmallows,all in all a succulent meal not only for the belly but for your eyes.NOW IF ONLY THEY WOULD START HAVING COFFEE, CRAZY, BUT NO COFFEE.hehehehe. express lane is just around the corner though. we got there early, so donna could help rocky out, about 2 pm, and everyone was there around 4 for dinner. ohyeah, this year we brought my mother with us, usually she does thanksgiving with the church but came with us this year,which was enjoyable.
i dont know why but lately i have become increasingly concerned with her, like she has always been self dependant and all that, but she seems a little frailer, and unnaturally for me find myself concerned about her, not just her health, but i am more worried about her being lonely. that sucks no matter your age.
a splendid time it was, i did feel more a part of,not reflecting so much on the past when all would come to our house, donna , does not mind cooking but i feel she is burnt out on the big hurrah of yesteryear, and me well i guess i have accepted the fact my input does not carry the weight it used to. donna bought a table for the children to sit at, it used to be used in grammar school , so it was just the right height for them,with the younger ones loving the chairs and the idea they rated their own table,hehehe. donna sat with the kids and they were all content, with grandma being there, attending to them.the rest of us,the adults sprawled through out the living room and the office foyer outside the kitchen. everyone content, good conversation through out, accompanied by, the social media of i pads, computers, and cell phones, hehehe.how did we ever survive without them in the past,hehehe.
michele and christene got into a little tiff over who could climb the rope on rockys treehouse, which turned into a contest between all the girls,including linda. it was a spectacle in itself,first they were going to wear shoes then changed their minds, going barefoot which had already been suggested but they nayed, until seeing the children doing it that way,hehehe. then they wanted a stop watch used , in case it was close,and they were insistent on it,hehehe.social media does have its place ,because it was hilarious watching all the girls trying to figure out the best way to shimmy up the rope and their efforts were recorded for all to enjoy in the future....michele, complaining about her not having enough upper body strength, christene vehemently insisting she would win and linda scampering up the knots with her toes as if she did it every day,hehehe. it was a lot of fun and will be a memory of this thanksgiving. oh afterwards, they did time the videos to see who won, but i am sure there will be arguments over this,hehehe.
the pleasant surprise of the evening for me was lindas interaction , usually she seems a little distant, but on this day she was flitting from one to another, with the social grace i had always envisioned her of, even includinG me, which was shocking to me as i have felt she wanted as much distance as possible between us. i am just a messed up individual, and it was nice relaxing afterwards even though i think too much for my own good .
well not really relaxing donna wanted to go shopping so we did the wal mart black friday shuffle and also hit big lots, i was tired but it was a good tired,and i have no complaints.so with love to all and the appreciation of those who made my day so good thankyou,love you ,marino
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Friday, November 29, 2013
Old, young, why not just accept me for me.
lordy,lordy,guess there is a first time for everything,hehe, i am trying to do some work on my blog while watching the three little ones,stormy is 12 so she basically takes care of herself, as long as she has her phone,hehe. Rocky is playing c.o. d., which makes me jealous as i would like to be on comat arms, but for some reason their computer wont run it properly. It comes on but the lag is unbelievable,the youngest one she just roams from person to person entertaining herself ,Madison her sister is content as long as you give her attention on demand, in between watching t.v..
got here around 9 am and it has been a pretty good time, they are repainting little rockys room, so i took out a door frame to put in wall board to replace the door, then me and the girls covered the dimples and nail holes in the rest of the room, with joint compound. messy but fun, rocky was on the computer,watching mine craft videos, and stormy social networking on her phone. now i am just waiting for the joint compound to dry and retouch it.
Stormy, made us sandwiches, edible but hilarious, then me and the 2 younger girls went to my van so i could smoke, and while there the girls decided to clean up the van some which was a good idea,procrastinator that i am , knew it needed doing but kept putting it off. so now at least the dash is clean thanks to them.
Yes,been dying without coffee, just went to express lane grabbed a cup of coffee, and got the little ones some sour candy.it is getting cold out, i hate the cold weather, but guess i will have to deal with it. it is also not easy to type without my smokes but anything is possible, so coping in best possible fashion possible, thinking of having a smoke, typing listenng to the children, ensuring all is good and staying busy,hehe. so now that i have said all this, going to brave the cold and have a smoke,hehehe,brb.
reminder, when i get back inside this blog is to deal with issue of young and old, in game and life.
Yikes it is the day after thanksgiving and i am just now getting back,oh well, good thing i saved the draft,hehe.
Young and old ,I am amazed by the number of times i have shocked people when they are told my age. Whether it is in game, where they swear i sound and act like someone in their twenties, or in real life when they are surprised because they find my energy, and the way i interact with others, indicative of someone of younger years,and it does not hurt that i do have a semi youthful appearance. I have been told by others that they are grateful to have met me, simply because i have shown them that life does not stop at my age and that they will treasure my memory in future years, simply because they now believe there is life when you get older.Funny isnt it, well to me anyway. However it has brought me sadness, when i think of those who judge me just on the appearance, of being a member of the older generation. People, cast you into a generic pool , without even making the attempt to discover who you are. Men, assume you know all the answers, when if you have read my blog, know I am searching for answers myself. More experiences I have had then some but not all and many have suffered more, learning more about lifes more unpleasant side. Women, tend to put you in the, he is too old , not taking the time to discover who I am . Now here I will state that women of foreign origin seem not to be as rigid in this way of thinking, more likely to engage a person in conversation and not hold prejudice due to a mans age. As a society, we are often surprised by the relationships, of the winter,spring type,however in other countries, they are often looked at little prejudice. The funny thing is I enjoy life as much, maybe more then when i was young, appreciating those things that bring me joy, instead of simply accepting them as my due. This is really an issue for philosophy, and I quite simply wanted to say something as it has affected me, in some ways. Dancing, I will admit , sometimes i watch the younger ones kinda poke fun at an older persons method of dancing, instead of respecting the fact it may have been an act of courage to subject themselves to the pettiness of youthful ire. I do know life ,the act of being oneself,when leaving yourself open, to the maybe not even intentional, witticisms and mannerisms of a younger age group, is not always easy. I , myself worry about the effect their attitude will have on me, and yet I do applaud myself for not allowing them to stop me from being myself. Yes, it takes me awhile to work up the courage, get lost in the moment, but I do love me and have denied myself enough things in life, that I will attempt not to lose myself in the progress, label me as i am, but respect me for refusing to be other then I am , for itys cost has been expensive and I am still not done paying, but thats alright, I smile and all is good,love ya ,marino.
got here around 9 am and it has been a pretty good time, they are repainting little rockys room, so i took out a door frame to put in wall board to replace the door, then me and the girls covered the dimples and nail holes in the rest of the room, with joint compound. messy but fun, rocky was on the computer,watching mine craft videos, and stormy social networking on her phone. now i am just waiting for the joint compound to dry and retouch it.
Stormy, made us sandwiches, edible but hilarious, then me and the 2 younger girls went to my van so i could smoke, and while there the girls decided to clean up the van some which was a good idea,procrastinator that i am , knew it needed doing but kept putting it off. so now at least the dash is clean thanks to them.
Yes,been dying without coffee, just went to express lane grabbed a cup of coffee, and got the little ones some sour candy.it is getting cold out, i hate the cold weather, but guess i will have to deal with it. it is also not easy to type without my smokes but anything is possible, so coping in best possible fashion possible, thinking of having a smoke, typing listenng to the children, ensuring all is good and staying busy,hehe. so now that i have said all this, going to brave the cold and have a smoke,hehehe,brb.
reminder, when i get back inside this blog is to deal with issue of young and old, in game and life.
Yikes it is the day after thanksgiving and i am just now getting back,oh well, good thing i saved the draft,hehe.
Young and old ,I am amazed by the number of times i have shocked people when they are told my age. Whether it is in game, where they swear i sound and act like someone in their twenties, or in real life when they are surprised because they find my energy, and the way i interact with others, indicative of someone of younger years,and it does not hurt that i do have a semi youthful appearance. I have been told by others that they are grateful to have met me, simply because i have shown them that life does not stop at my age and that they will treasure my memory in future years, simply because they now believe there is life when you get older.Funny isnt it, well to me anyway. However it has brought me sadness, when i think of those who judge me just on the appearance, of being a member of the older generation. People, cast you into a generic pool , without even making the attempt to discover who you are. Men, assume you know all the answers, when if you have read my blog, know I am searching for answers myself. More experiences I have had then some but not all and many have suffered more, learning more about lifes more unpleasant side. Women, tend to put you in the, he is too old , not taking the time to discover who I am . Now here I will state that women of foreign origin seem not to be as rigid in this way of thinking, more likely to engage a person in conversation and not hold prejudice due to a mans age. As a society, we are often surprised by the relationships, of the winter,spring type,however in other countries, they are often looked at little prejudice. The funny thing is I enjoy life as much, maybe more then when i was young, appreciating those things that bring me joy, instead of simply accepting them as my due. This is really an issue for philosophy, and I quite simply wanted to say something as it has affected me, in some ways. Dancing, I will admit , sometimes i watch the younger ones kinda poke fun at an older persons method of dancing, instead of respecting the fact it may have been an act of courage to subject themselves to the pettiness of youthful ire. I do know life ,the act of being oneself,when leaving yourself open, to the maybe not even intentional, witticisms and mannerisms of a younger age group, is not always easy. I , myself worry about the effect their attitude will have on me, and yet I do applaud myself for not allowing them to stop me from being myself. Yes, it takes me awhile to work up the courage, get lost in the moment, but I do love me and have denied myself enough things in life, that I will attempt not to lose myself in the progress, label me as i am, but respect me for refusing to be other then I am , for itys cost has been expensive and I am still not done paying, but thats alright, I smile and all is good,love ya ,marino.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
another catch up, when will i learn,hehehe
A week after i wrote my last post i fully intended to write another about the lack of sex in my life for the last 3 or 4 years. The admission of such ,especially with me being married and living with my wife, tended to make me feel less then, a man, and as if i was some how a failure.That has not changed but if it affects me that much, i felt, though it has taken awhile, it must be said or the denial would should more of a weakness that would also inhibit me from writing my blog, in order not to confront it.Being honest here is not always easy, nor should it be, or this would all be a lie.Hell of a thing to lie to yourself, even if it is in the future, and easier i guess.Sorry, had to make some coffee, do the dishes and turn on the music, OH YEAH SWEET,now my world is all good. I guess i am easily satisfied,hehehe.Back to the subject, maybe what scares me, is it may be my future,i could not have envisioned in my past, a time when i would have accepted or been able to live without the physical attention of another.Not just the physical but also the emotional aspect of loves intimacy. I am all for sex even or especially with someone you love,but there is also even during a fierce bout of activity a look,a soft kiss that conveys the love within, or just the snuggle up afterwards when all is well with the world. I can not say it is all the wifes fault, she is not happy about her appearance,which i have tried to show her is fine with me. I, even though shy, have had advances, hehehee, which I nullified by various ways. My wife even offered to fool around one night after she had had a few drinks for the first time in awhile, now it was only due to her being buzzed, and maybe I was wrong but I told her I would rather wait till she was not quite so buzzed, at least the first time, at which point she passed out.Hehehehe. With other women i have no idea if it is the fear of my dick being too small,hehehe, getting a disease or worst of all falling for her, mistaking sexual happiness for emotional happiness. The intimacy, the emotion, the love shared that is what i miss, what i hunger for that feeling where i look in those eyes, feel her arms,the weight ,her enfolding me and escape from whatever is wrong.Masterbation , serves its purpose,and even if done with another, hehehe, to me is just that.Maybe thats why i do not think it is wrong for a person to be sexual with another even if in a relationship, but would go to war over someone trying to hold my girls hand. I guess i am just lonely, and when the world , especially yours is disintegrating, or changing it would be nice to have the comfort of your lover in a physical form.I guess thats it, for now, be glad i hate this typing stuff, hehehe, there is so much more i actually have to say about this. But, I apologize , have to put this in for it is going to be brief, the thought is large though.Would i feel as if i was cheating on someone? Now this is complicated,in some ways, but also simple,so without saying too much, it goes like this,what if i dont because with anyone else it would be a betrayal of someone. That has been quite simply the case, ,maybe stupid, maybe for all the wrong reasons,but a fact. Of which this would be incomplete in its whole without the mention of. Now I can move on,hehehe, funny how those things of greatest magnitude are the ones that sneak up and slap us in the face,hehehe.
Time to take the backwards, ugh I hate this, first I have no mind, second i cant remember shit so it is a little more difficult for me then others.
West Coast Killers, Greatfulded asked again about me joining the clan and this time we worked all the kinks out, ensuring the right e-mail addresses and such were done. We finished all the essentials yesterday and I received notice I would be a member starting today. Humor, is in the fact, a member of X Conz, a clan formed after my original clan dissolved , yesterday asked if I would join them,hahaha. It was a remember when for me, sad in that as i explained to him, for me there would be to much emotional cause and effect, in addition there could be no replacing my former clan. So here is a new beginning for me, in my gaming community.
Things are a little tense around the house due to a couple we have allowed to stay with us. Originally, it was supposed to be for a couple of days , they have now overstayed their welcome , and unfortunately i had to put my foot down. They have been staying with us for over a month and had been making no effort to better their situation. Saving no money for a place of their own ,failing to contribute to the bills , eating everything ,and showing no social skills what so ever.The wife had been trying to help them and after observing their behavior, I wanted to say something, but she told me to give them a chance, finally they got to the point where even she got frustrated, and I stepped in , now they will be out tomorrow, we did give them until he gets paid tomorrow so i dont feel guilty about it. Giving someone a hand up, I have no problem with been there,needed that, but to take advantage, and not improve a bad state, lo piss me off. So that will be an improvement in our state also.
Work, well it has been up and down,same ole, same ole. Got all the bills paid with the exception of the car insurance, which will be paid next week,hehehe.My biggest problem being I cant seem to pick up steady work, but it does come in in bits and pieces. Nerve wracking to say the least,hehe. On a brighter note the wife got a job, she will be starting next Monday, and it even has health benefits, for the both of us. The dental is what i cant wait for,hehe. I dont deny there is a feeling of guilt in me, she never had to work before, and honestly, we could probably get by on what i do obtain for work, the reality is its better for us in the long run, myself included. I had just pulled a machine out of the shop took a couple of months, ran it for a couple hours, wham bam, down it goes right in the middle of a job that i was doing for the first time. Back in the shop it goes, how much this time I have no idea, and on top of that the propane buffer i spent 500.00 fixing died and there is no repairing it .Maybe someone is trying to tell me something and i just wont listen, hehehe.
Dance, hehehe, how can we not talk about it. First I missed the Halloween party at La Vela, as they did it the week before. I had planned to go, even telling Donna that though it cost 10 for admission i was going to both Spinnakers and La Vela, as i dont spend much on myself, ensuring that Donna gets to go to bingo everyday. It would have been the first time to dance at La velas this year due to finances and not buying a vip pass there this year, ahhh, woe is me. Spinnakers was simply awesome, the people in costume great and the atmosphere was fun. I had a great night the band was superb, finally a good band, and dont you know my leg gave me problems, but still a wonderful night for my memories.
My physical shape? I feel fat!!! And i am hating it , my leg has been giving me problems, when i dance, my six pack is almost none existent, my chest almost no definition and arms, well they look skinny. I have no choice but to start working out, not so much for muscle, love of the dance. I find myself getting winded too easy,and where i am usually attuned like a spring feel a little listless now.This worries the hell out of me for there is so much joy and passion in it for me.The only problem is the wife is dead set against it, funny huh, but it is one of the few things that i am going to be adamant about. I hate the idea myself, but for love of the dance i am willing to endure it.
Dr. Gooding, I was paying a bill at the cable company, a few weeks ago and this lady says hi Marino. I turn to say hello, it must have shown on my face I did not recognize her, as she introduced herself as Theresa, Dr. Goodings wife. She asked why I had not been to see Dr. Gooding, who is currently in a rest home. Being myself, I told her that from her attitude toward me previously, i had been afraid she would have me arrested or something. At ant rate we had a nice conversation, shed some tears over the misunderstanding, yes in the middle of the office, and got everything straightened out.Sometimes life does wonderful things. I had been trying to figure which bill to pay and for some reason decided to pay the cable, fate maybe. Dr, Gooding had hired me to do his floor at home and we had gotten to know each other fairly well, and there had been times when faced with a situation or problem, he would be the one I would go to. A father figure, similar to Ron Brown, Brownie as everyone called him. He was a well respected member of the medical field,especially in his field, which was anesthesiology, not only in the civilian world but also the Marines. He also helped found a school of anesthesiology, which was named after him. Since our reconciliation, I have been to visit him , at least every other week. Which for me, is kinda remarkable, but so is he, unfortunately he suffers from dementia, a disease that attacks your mind, and its ability to remember things. I have learned a lot from this situation, they had planned to retire, travel and enjoy life, and everything flipped on them. He had been one of those who liked to stay in shape, was fiercely independet, and helped those he believed in. Now he is taken care of , their finances are no longer lucrative and his wife, resides in a constant state of anxiety. I have decide to try and do my best to help them, this man who fate put in my life, deserves that. I do not know what I can do but started by visiting Rep. Patronis, to see if i could get some help in setting up a non profit thing or something. At any rate, I may not have any idea on what to do but be damned if I am not going to try. I wonder if this is in someway connected with the death of my father, who i loved unconditionally, but still feel as if I could have shown more, there is no doubt, that he knew and felt my love for him, but maybe I do not feel as if i did not do enough for him. I think of him , my father alot, sometimes feeling closer to him in death, then in real world, talking to him in spirit. I believe that if more people knew of Dr. Goodings finances they would be more then willing to help, it is just that most people assumed they were financially solvent, insurance covered it or the veterans affairs, the reality is it costs thousands of dollars every month, that they are running out of finances, and i want to do something. Even though I am broke I can still attempt to do something, for if not, i would have difficulty in living with myself.
My son, Mike is doing well for himself, bragging on saving money and the fact that he is doing so legally,hehehe. Proud of that, we dont talk much but we are there for each other when needed, what more can you ask for. Marino should be getting out soon, sometime next year, that will be an interesting time, and i am sure it will be full of ups and downs.With mike moving up north, it looks as if Marino will be staying with me, an interesting situation to be sure. I believe I got most of what has been going on and there is always tomorrow if not, for it is time to be gaming, love always ,Marino.
Time to take the backwards, ugh I hate this, first I have no mind, second i cant remember shit so it is a little more difficult for me then others.
West Coast Killers, Greatfulded asked again about me joining the clan and this time we worked all the kinks out, ensuring the right e-mail addresses and such were done. We finished all the essentials yesterday and I received notice I would be a member starting today. Humor, is in the fact, a member of X Conz, a clan formed after my original clan dissolved , yesterday asked if I would join them,hahaha. It was a remember when for me, sad in that as i explained to him, for me there would be to much emotional cause and effect, in addition there could be no replacing my former clan. So here is a new beginning for me, in my gaming community.
Things are a little tense around the house due to a couple we have allowed to stay with us. Originally, it was supposed to be for a couple of days , they have now overstayed their welcome , and unfortunately i had to put my foot down. They have been staying with us for over a month and had been making no effort to better their situation. Saving no money for a place of their own ,failing to contribute to the bills , eating everything ,and showing no social skills what so ever.The wife had been trying to help them and after observing their behavior, I wanted to say something, but she told me to give them a chance, finally they got to the point where even she got frustrated, and I stepped in , now they will be out tomorrow, we did give them until he gets paid tomorrow so i dont feel guilty about it. Giving someone a hand up, I have no problem with been there,needed that, but to take advantage, and not improve a bad state, lo piss me off. So that will be an improvement in our state also.
Work, well it has been up and down,same ole, same ole. Got all the bills paid with the exception of the car insurance, which will be paid next week,hehehe.My biggest problem being I cant seem to pick up steady work, but it does come in in bits and pieces. Nerve wracking to say the least,hehe. On a brighter note the wife got a job, she will be starting next Monday, and it even has health benefits, for the both of us. The dental is what i cant wait for,hehe. I dont deny there is a feeling of guilt in me, she never had to work before, and honestly, we could probably get by on what i do obtain for work, the reality is its better for us in the long run, myself included. I had just pulled a machine out of the shop took a couple of months, ran it for a couple hours, wham bam, down it goes right in the middle of a job that i was doing for the first time. Back in the shop it goes, how much this time I have no idea, and on top of that the propane buffer i spent 500.00 fixing died and there is no repairing it .Maybe someone is trying to tell me something and i just wont listen, hehehe.
Dance, hehehe, how can we not talk about it. First I missed the Halloween party at La Vela, as they did it the week before. I had planned to go, even telling Donna that though it cost 10 for admission i was going to both Spinnakers and La Vela, as i dont spend much on myself, ensuring that Donna gets to go to bingo everyday. It would have been the first time to dance at La velas this year due to finances and not buying a vip pass there this year, ahhh, woe is me. Spinnakers was simply awesome, the people in costume great and the atmosphere was fun. I had a great night the band was superb, finally a good band, and dont you know my leg gave me problems, but still a wonderful night for my memories.
My physical shape? I feel fat!!! And i am hating it , my leg has been giving me problems, when i dance, my six pack is almost none existent, my chest almost no definition and arms, well they look skinny. I have no choice but to start working out, not so much for muscle, love of the dance. I find myself getting winded too easy,and where i am usually attuned like a spring feel a little listless now.This worries the hell out of me for there is so much joy and passion in it for me.The only problem is the wife is dead set against it, funny huh, but it is one of the few things that i am going to be adamant about. I hate the idea myself, but for love of the dance i am willing to endure it.
Dr. Gooding, I was paying a bill at the cable company, a few weeks ago and this lady says hi Marino. I turn to say hello, it must have shown on my face I did not recognize her, as she introduced herself as Theresa, Dr. Goodings wife. She asked why I had not been to see Dr. Gooding, who is currently in a rest home. Being myself, I told her that from her attitude toward me previously, i had been afraid she would have me arrested or something. At ant rate we had a nice conversation, shed some tears over the misunderstanding, yes in the middle of the office, and got everything straightened out.Sometimes life does wonderful things. I had been trying to figure which bill to pay and for some reason decided to pay the cable, fate maybe. Dr, Gooding had hired me to do his floor at home and we had gotten to know each other fairly well, and there had been times when faced with a situation or problem, he would be the one I would go to. A father figure, similar to Ron Brown, Brownie as everyone called him. He was a well respected member of the medical field,especially in his field, which was anesthesiology, not only in the civilian world but also the Marines. He also helped found a school of anesthesiology, which was named after him. Since our reconciliation, I have been to visit him , at least every other week. Which for me, is kinda remarkable, but so is he, unfortunately he suffers from dementia, a disease that attacks your mind, and its ability to remember things. I have learned a lot from this situation, they had planned to retire, travel and enjoy life, and everything flipped on them. He had been one of those who liked to stay in shape, was fiercely independet, and helped those he believed in. Now he is taken care of , their finances are no longer lucrative and his wife, resides in a constant state of anxiety. I have decide to try and do my best to help them, this man who fate put in my life, deserves that. I do not know what I can do but started by visiting Rep. Patronis, to see if i could get some help in setting up a non profit thing or something. At any rate, I may not have any idea on what to do but be damned if I am not going to try. I wonder if this is in someway connected with the death of my father, who i loved unconditionally, but still feel as if I could have shown more, there is no doubt, that he knew and felt my love for him, but maybe I do not feel as if i did not do enough for him. I think of him , my father alot, sometimes feeling closer to him in death, then in real world, talking to him in spirit. I believe that if more people knew of Dr. Goodings finances they would be more then willing to help, it is just that most people assumed they were financially solvent, insurance covered it or the veterans affairs, the reality is it costs thousands of dollars every month, that they are running out of finances, and i want to do something. Even though I am broke I can still attempt to do something, for if not, i would have difficulty in living with myself.
My son, Mike is doing well for himself, bragging on saving money and the fact that he is doing so legally,hehehe. Proud of that, we dont talk much but we are there for each other when needed, what more can you ask for. Marino should be getting out soon, sometime next year, that will be an interesting time, and i am sure it will be full of ups and downs.With mike moving up north, it looks as if Marino will be staying with me, an interesting situation to be sure. I believe I got most of what has been going on and there is always tomorrow if not, for it is time to be gaming, love always ,Marino.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
In Love With Love
Today was gooood. Worked my ass off, what little ass I have, hehehe, I did not make a lot of money but it was definitely better then doing nothing. I did the floor at Emerald Coast Bingo,the deli, and then about 9 did the Little Caesars Pizza in Callaway. Got done about 3 this morning and now, here I am. The money will go toward some bills that are due, or past due, hehehe. Life, you know what as confused and human as I am , this morning I am loving it.
The title for this post, comes from a remark the wife made in relationship to me, from my being a romantic, my love for the joy i experience from watching a good romance movie, and the silly way I act about that magical emotion that makes life worth living. It is the syrup that sweetens life, topping all problems ,and misfortunes ,with that one recipe that makes all bearable. In my life all hings have been surmountable, as long as even a glimpse of love was in my life.
I know that this does not hold true for all, but here I am only trying to deal with me. I have had an interesting life and been fortunate in that love has been in my life, in one form or another. I have experienced the beauty of having my love returned,that magical road, where problems, no matter the magnitude,were kept in the perspective they belonged. Less then, the the wonder of two in love. How can you, once its beauty has enriched you, not desire to fill your self with its sweet taste.
I fell in love with my first wife, in less then an hour, while out with another woman, hehe, and though we divorced later, i still love her, the magic of that time retaining its sweetness, even though we have both gone in separate ways. It has always perplexed me, the way people forget the wonder of that time, when two become one, or in the case of a love that was never returned or unspoken of, how that ethereal feeling becomes tainted with bitterness, or tossed aside. Maybe I am fortunate, for with myself, that beauty remains. To have felt that wonder, to have your emotions in that highest key, your senses inflamed, secretly, that reaction to their look,the wondrous influx of confusion brought about by the accidental closeness of her to me, Questions of does she know, what is she saying , oh my god, so close,the flush of fever, burning within,the knowledge, unspoken, of promises, the pain, so acute, unbidden, unknowingly exploding throughout my being as reality sets in, watching her slide away like a breath of wind, towards another.
Love, I have no control, it on a whim of its own, sets its path with disregard for my own feelings, Directing my life as if it were orchestrated by a wise jester. One familiar with me, my fears, strengths and all that makes me who I am. The power of love enticing in its desire, to say the hell with boundaries, compelling me to scream of its power in me. I wish i could write a song, create a poem, cry to transfer this magic, ease it into your life in a way that its beauty would capture your attention. How often, sadly, it is kept within, for I cant make myself not love, deny the ecstasy of loving. To not read a book, to cover a painting, or to not hear a song, does not take away their wonder, it still remains, love hidden, smolders, catching fire at the seemingly least provocation, only to return to that smoldering ember, when soaked by reality.
Lifes jester loves it when I think all is under control, that I have the power to deny what the most precious thing in my world is, love. Even if it is only in my heart, my being, even when I have tried to box it, and slide it away. Fool, thats how i think of myself, all the reasons for not, all lifes lessons, wiped out ,and the jesters laughter is in my ears. A song on the radio, a sneak attack, why cant I put it away? Because its beauty, is a part of my life, its pain my cross, and without love is life really worth living? love ya Marino
The title for this post, comes from a remark the wife made in relationship to me, from my being a romantic, my love for the joy i experience from watching a good romance movie, and the silly way I act about that magical emotion that makes life worth living. It is the syrup that sweetens life, topping all problems ,and misfortunes ,with that one recipe that makes all bearable. In my life all hings have been surmountable, as long as even a glimpse of love was in my life.
I know that this does not hold true for all, but here I am only trying to deal with me. I have had an interesting life and been fortunate in that love has been in my life, in one form or another. I have experienced the beauty of having my love returned,that magical road, where problems, no matter the magnitude,were kept in the perspective they belonged. Less then, the the wonder of two in love. How can you, once its beauty has enriched you, not desire to fill your self with its sweet taste.
I fell in love with my first wife, in less then an hour, while out with another woman, hehe, and though we divorced later, i still love her, the magic of that time retaining its sweetness, even though we have both gone in separate ways. It has always perplexed me, the way people forget the wonder of that time, when two become one, or in the case of a love that was never returned or unspoken of, how that ethereal feeling becomes tainted with bitterness, or tossed aside. Maybe I am fortunate, for with myself, that beauty remains. To have felt that wonder, to have your emotions in that highest key, your senses inflamed, secretly, that reaction to their look,the wondrous influx of confusion brought about by the accidental closeness of her to me, Questions of does she know, what is she saying , oh my god, so close,the flush of fever, burning within,the knowledge, unspoken, of promises, the pain, so acute, unbidden, unknowingly exploding throughout my being as reality sets in, watching her slide away like a breath of wind, towards another.
Love, I have no control, it on a whim of its own, sets its path with disregard for my own feelings, Directing my life as if it were orchestrated by a wise jester. One familiar with me, my fears, strengths and all that makes me who I am. The power of love enticing in its desire, to say the hell with boundaries, compelling me to scream of its power in me. I wish i could write a song, create a poem, cry to transfer this magic, ease it into your life in a way that its beauty would capture your attention. How often, sadly, it is kept within, for I cant make myself not love, deny the ecstasy of loving. To not read a book, to cover a painting, or to not hear a song, does not take away their wonder, it still remains, love hidden, smolders, catching fire at the seemingly least provocation, only to return to that smoldering ember, when soaked by reality.
Lifes jester loves it when I think all is under control, that I have the power to deny what the most precious thing in my world is, love. Even if it is only in my heart, my being, even when I have tried to box it, and slide it away. Fool, thats how i think of myself, all the reasons for not, all lifes lessons, wiped out ,and the jesters laughter is in my ears. A song on the radio, a sneak attack, why cant I put it away? Because its beauty, is a part of my life, its pain my cross, and without love is life really worth living? love ya Marino
Sunday, September 22, 2013
the turning point,maybe.
It is Sunday, about 7:30 and i have finally managed to sit my ass down and get this done,hehehe.As usual too much time has passed and have to play catch up.Lets begin with last night, which wa pretty good, I went dancing at Spinnakers, and took a friend of the wifes daughter, Ashley. Not yet 21 but a mother of 3 children, evidently she needed a break.It was he first time i had had anyone accompany me to the club, so it did feel a little diffferent.Especially going in the door, hehehe, it actually was not too bad, not too hard on the eyes, but a tthe same time I told her to just go off by herself and we would do our own thing.I actually thought she would take right off after we got in but you know how it is in a new club, so she stayed beside me for most of the night, which was alright. About 2 am she finally started to feel more comfortable, and wouldn't you know, I was ready to go, as I had told some friends I would be back in game. I hung around for awhile, so she could get a ride back and then went home. I had a really good time dancing with her, got a chuckle out of people asking if she was my kid, and it was fun talking about the guys who would try to nonchalantly hit on her, with her,hehehe. I had a good enough time, and the band is good so I will be going back tonight,
Work has been going better,I did a job for the Foot clinic on Monday, did the store on Cherry street the same night. I also got a confirmation from Healthsouth about working there , but am still a little off with the hours, it being from 3pm-12pm, which is going to affect my work. I have to keep thinking about the positives, regular money,etc. .I also picked up a job at Emerald Coast Bingo, doing their floor in the deli area, and Little Caesars Pizza called me to confirm we are doing the floors, starting next week. origins floors will get done this week so at least all my work will be caught up before I start, and it can all be scheduled in the future around my work.
Combat Arms has gone a little more smoothly, now that I have a new mouse,thanks to a friend of mine, who bought a new computer and uses a wireless, so he gave me the mouse that went to the new computer. I have been playing a lot of Arms Race, due to the extra xp and gp you get. Kinda foolish if you ask me, soon everyone will be a G.O.A. and then what will they do, too many generals and not enough soldiers,hehehe. I have a hard time believing I am caught up in it myself, hopefully it will just be a stage I am going thru. Devil Dog, a guy who I play the game with a lot leveled up the other day, which was sweet. The social aspect of gaming and what it has become never ceases to amaze me. An invitation to someones ranking party is of special significance, and is truly an honor.
West Coast Killers, I really don't understand what happened there, first they ask me to join, actually have been asking a long time , I finally felt comfortable enough to join , and they fall through. Personally, I am sadly disappointed in them, and have lost some respect for them in what I can only label as sloppy work in recruitment. Last week, Coolbreeze, even asked me if I was still interested, with no follow through after I said yes. Presently I must confess, I do not know if I would still be interested. It would not have been so bad if Greatfuldead, had not emphasized, his feelings on trust, or had not known of the importance a clan means to me.
On to a different subject,the damn sink is backing up, lo, which means old school dish washing by hand, I did manage to , hopefully, get a snake lined up for tomorrow, and with a little luck ,will have it fixed tomorrow.
The week before, I did some work for the county, at the library,which I got paid for on this Friday, which made it possible, for Donna to go to her bingo special play. Tomorrow, I meet with Steve to line up some more work for next week.
Personal, lets get personal, there are times when i wonder why, what am I really about. I feel as though my wife is my friend, and thats as far as she wants it to go. For what ever reason, I have difficulty with feeling alone, know things are not to my satisfaction and yet I just continue on. It may have been a mistake to take that girl to Spinakers last night, nothing occured but she actually enjoyed my company, we had an enjoyable time and she made me feel good about myself. All that without any thing but talk, Woman do approach mr occasionally, including last night, but I always worry about things getting out of hand. So, I usually just walk away, how ever the question remains at what cost, how much , and to what extant will my own happiness be forsaken. I do use my time out to make myself happy but I often wonder if I am shortchanging myself. I am also honest enough to admit that it would be a major upheaval, in my life and maybe I am simply too much of a coward to walk the path best for me. I can not deny that the effect this would have on my wife, does play an important part, but where do we draw the line? I feel as if I keep waiting in vain for her to change back, or something, to recapture the magic of yesteryear, with the reality being it is not going to happen. To dream when there is no dream,wish for what you know will not be, when do i face reality,deal with the facts that are in front of me. I guess if I knew the answer, I would not be writing this now. Well thats enough for now, it is time to get dressed, and trip the light fantastic, for a couple of hours anyway. Until next time love you, marino
Work has been going better,I did a job for the Foot clinic on Monday, did the store on Cherry street the same night. I also got a confirmation from Healthsouth about working there , but am still a little off with the hours, it being from 3pm-12pm, which is going to affect my work. I have to keep thinking about the positives, regular money,etc. .I also picked up a job at Emerald Coast Bingo, doing their floor in the deli area, and Little Caesars Pizza called me to confirm we are doing the floors, starting next week. origins floors will get done this week so at least all my work will be caught up before I start, and it can all be scheduled in the future around my work.
Combat Arms has gone a little more smoothly, now that I have a new mouse,thanks to a friend of mine, who bought a new computer and uses a wireless, so he gave me the mouse that went to the new computer. I have been playing a lot of Arms Race, due to the extra xp and gp you get. Kinda foolish if you ask me, soon everyone will be a G.O.A. and then what will they do, too many generals and not enough soldiers,hehehe. I have a hard time believing I am caught up in it myself, hopefully it will just be a stage I am going thru. Devil Dog, a guy who I play the game with a lot leveled up the other day, which was sweet. The social aspect of gaming and what it has become never ceases to amaze me. An invitation to someones ranking party is of special significance, and is truly an honor.
West Coast Killers, I really don't understand what happened there, first they ask me to join, actually have been asking a long time , I finally felt comfortable enough to join , and they fall through. Personally, I am sadly disappointed in them, and have lost some respect for them in what I can only label as sloppy work in recruitment. Last week, Coolbreeze, even asked me if I was still interested, with no follow through after I said yes. Presently I must confess, I do not know if I would still be interested. It would not have been so bad if Greatfuldead, had not emphasized, his feelings on trust, or had not known of the importance a clan means to me.
On to a different subject,the damn sink is backing up, lo, which means old school dish washing by hand, I did manage to , hopefully, get a snake lined up for tomorrow, and with a little luck ,will have it fixed tomorrow.
The week before, I did some work for the county, at the library,which I got paid for on this Friday, which made it possible, for Donna to go to her bingo special play. Tomorrow, I meet with Steve to line up some more work for next week.
Personal, lets get personal, there are times when i wonder why, what am I really about. I feel as though my wife is my friend, and thats as far as she wants it to go. For what ever reason, I have difficulty with feeling alone, know things are not to my satisfaction and yet I just continue on. It may have been a mistake to take that girl to Spinakers last night, nothing occured but she actually enjoyed my company, we had an enjoyable time and she made me feel good about myself. All that without any thing but talk, Woman do approach mr occasionally, including last night, but I always worry about things getting out of hand. So, I usually just walk away, how ever the question remains at what cost, how much , and to what extant will my own happiness be forsaken. I do use my time out to make myself happy but I often wonder if I am shortchanging myself. I am also honest enough to admit that it would be a major upheaval, in my life and maybe I am simply too much of a coward to walk the path best for me. I can not deny that the effect this would have on my wife, does play an important part, but where do we draw the line? I feel as if I keep waiting in vain for her to change back, or something, to recapture the magic of yesteryear, with the reality being it is not going to happen. To dream when there is no dream,wish for what you know will not be, when do i face reality,deal with the facts that are in front of me. I guess if I knew the answer, I would not be writing this now. Well thats enough for now, it is time to get dressed, and trip the light fantastic, for a couple of hours anyway. Until next time love you, marino
Saturday, September 7, 2013
just a note on things that have been going on
I really should keep a diary, but as sporadic as my blog is,.hehehe, i really dont see that happening .Sometimes even I have to go back and read my last blog, just to see where I left off. So lets start the backwards trip of events so I can attempt to keep it all straight. Today has been, lets see, a nice day, that is a good way of putting, actually a little on the mellow side,especially as i planned to go dancing this weekend, but sometimes I guess it is good to chill at home. I did get some cleaning done, a little bit of laundry,and straightened out the kitchen so that was good. Hate looking at the lawn right now though,grass needs to be cut so bad, and the stupid lawn mower wont start, of course it does not help when i leave it outside with all the rain we have been having. Played me some Combat Arms, and had a good time, started an OMA room and was pleasantly surprised when a player from back in the day came on by the name of payan anthrax, playing under another account, people were flipping because he is just tooo good, and one of the players who usually wins, even left. Funniest damn thing in the world watching all these skilled players trying to figure out why they cant beat him. I also had the pleasure of talking with Deadly Queen, and Bigfuut on raidcall while in game so all good. Poor Bigfuut is having issues with staying in his clan but I told him to discuss it over with his clan leader. I went over to a friends house and borrowed 6 bucks from him to grab some groceries and to thank him for dropping off a mouse for the game, unfortunately the wheel sticks so cant use but nice of him anyway. Bought some bread,crackers and eggs, which is what wife wanted so all good ,hopefully my check will be ready, on Monday.
On Monday I went down to talk with Steve about doing some work on the floors at the library and we where able to set some work up for Thursday and Friday. The work went pretty good, I wanted to finish it all on the same night but since it was not scheduled that way could not do it. It was kinda funny because it would have only been another hour, and instead we spent three and a half hours on Friday night to accomplish the same thing. Oh, well, all good, I damn sure am not complaining about the work which I needed and i have a good time with Bill anyways. I laugh when during our breaks we talked about Big Brother, i could not have envisioned myself ever being that interested in that show, and it was kinda like a couple of old biddies discussing a soap opera like, Days Of Our Lives or General Hospital. The work went pretty good, I damn sure had a good time, love doing my floors, my big side to side decided to break down on me,actually plugged it in and would not do anything, so since it was working the previous night , my guess is its probably something simple like a new plug. I did get a little exasperated, due to the fact Friday, I was supposed to get a check from a company which was already a week late, only to find they still had no invoice,grrrrr. Which had been turned in over a week ago, hopefully check will be there on Monday.
No check meant I could not do a couple of jobs I had planned for this weekend, so I will have to reschedule, asap. Funny how much chaos can erupt from something so singular, bills late, no gas to look for more work, I know it really is not funny, but it is when I think about the fact,the company that owes the money has no idea of the ramifications of their error. It will get better at anyrate, the county job at least assures me of a check next week and I still have some more work to do in the Library so that's reassuring
Thursday, I went down to Healthsouth,to discuss getting a job there. My biggest worry being I dont want to lose the contracts I currently have or no be able to expand my business, while at the same time i dont want to short them , as they are being nice enough to give me a job. It appears that they are willing to work with me, as far as my schedule as long as I give them enough notice, so things are looking up there. I intend to submit my app next week, before I do I am going to try Wal Mart one more time, about getting the contract. Bill and I were talking about how companies pay for shoddy work, simply because it is easier to keep a company rather then putting in new paperwork, and then they wonder why the job is not done right. Hell if a company cant seem to get their act together, you replace them, just like you would an employee. Do not see the problem in that, as eventually there will be someone who will get the job done right.
No dancing tonight but thats ok, there is always next w/e and i am gonna go play some Combat Arms with some friends of mine, dying can be so much fun,hehehe,love at you,Marino.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Labor Day weekend
No title yet,there is no telling where this will lead. Here, I am simply trying to keep the gap between posts from becoming too large. Sooooo, where to start,hmmmm. Ok, lets start with work,ughhhhh, actually only because i feel guilty about my last 2 posts being entirely personal,hehehehe,and i feel as if i should at least give work a passing motion,hehehe.Actually things have not been going to bad, more would be good, and I finally put a post on craigslist,the only response was from the yellow pages, but it is a start. The Old Fashion Floor store,through a recommendation by Stoney Thompson, gave me a chance to make some money and show them what i got. It went pretty well and they paid me pretty well, especially when we had not discussed the price before the job. I also got a firm commitment from the county building to do some work thursday and friday of next week. Bills have had me scared for awhile now and that will be a lot of help, I also did the windows for the Raceway, only 50 bucks, but better that then nothing. Oh and on that note, my propane buffer went down, I am gonna have to throw it in the shop, but it is too important for my work not to. I also did the store next to the house and traded some extra work for a carton of smokes, which helps.At any rate things are improving if not fasst enough for me, better then last month, and with a little work things could get better. My biggest problem, quite simply is i really dont know how to bid on jobs, like cleaning restaurants,office buildings and such. I am sure if i could learn , it would help me in my endeavor to stay in business. My biggest fear being I bid too low, knowing I need the work. On a positive note, I should be making enough to spend more money on gas in order to get more work. It is humorous,you can have enough to pay the bills and be at a standstill, due to the fact you cant go out to find more work, due to insufficient funds for gas,hehehee. Express Lane got another floor company, it did not kill me emotionally so I guess I am getting better.
Labor Day weekend, playing Combat Arms, which has been a lot of fun,even though my k.d.r. is going to hell,hehehe. Funny I am doing better in Death room elimination then I am in One Man Army. the skill is just not there or maybe it will just take more time, or a new computer, which will be awhile. I won 25 bucks at bingo yesterday too which helped, making it possible for me to go out dancing tonite. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, the dance.
Friday night, the little ones came by to spend the night and stayed up till 10 or 10;30, mischievous little wonders they are. Delving into everything and turning the norm into wondrous objects. Full of life and questions, sparking laughter,and a sense of anew to things that have been taken for granted. What better way to start a journey, with a light step. On every trip to Spinnakers, I have a moment of doubt,a question, if maybe I am not too old ,acting out in a way not considered proper for someone of my age. Thoughts of being ridiculed,or an indication of not fitting in, or a part of. It really is difficult, I know to others it may not appear so, I try to act soooo like i dont care, reality check. of course i do.
It is not myself that overcomes the awkwardness, that feeling of insecurity, as i stand there, worrying about laughter erupting, or even worse, younger people that purposely, or even accidentally, notice me or my dancing , their looks ,through my eyes, judging me in a way to make me self conscious of every move. I do not state that there is no confidence in my ability to enjoy myself, it is simply that I have become more aware of how cruel,even without intention people can be. Last night I noticed a guy in his late 50 or so dancing inside the club,by himself, on a full dance floor. Off to the side a trio of young men where making fun of him, without his knowledge,not that they were being rude, they were simply being their young selves. Now of course,hehehe, they were not dancing, and I was tempted to tell them to to stop it and get down there themselves, so often people will pick on or at someone simply because they are nervous or afraid to do the same. I felt kinda guilty myself, I have seen this guy for awhile and sometimes,always in my mind never out loud, I critic his dancing, the truth though is at least he is down there with the crowd and I have to respect the fact there is no shame in his game. I have to respect him for that. It is far more difficult to take a chance then to stay safe as I do.
Fear, in my last couple of posts i have mentioned fear, while not really defining it, according to my own thoughts. OK, now we are beginning to rock and roll, heheheh.e, lets do this. Afraid of another persons wrong interpretation, yes, of what might be, could be, about what I think, or feel. Confident, within myself, I am but with the full realization that others vision of what I see may not be colored the same. Some may think iI am showboating, maybe trying to be something I am not, or trying to impress the ladies,hehehe. I dance ,simply because ther is no other choice, I have been given a gift, for which I am eternally grateful, music is what i am. I have no choice,unless its denial, of what or who I am, there is no choice,no option with the exception of becoming deaf. I never asked for this gift, definately would rather listen quietly in the corner, yet, when the music begins ,there really is no option, for it must be celebrated, here I celebrate life, and it is not my will,it is the will of the musics desire for a physical embodiment, which chooses me with all my inadequacies, self doubts and fears to make itself be known. Is this not the funniest thing in the world, little ole me trying to serve as an interpreter for such a magical thing. I will be the first o admit I am getting older, I cant dance and express myself as well as i would like, I wish I had money, to learn how to dance better,learn all these new steps, every night I go out dancing, my thought is to start working out simply so i can be express the dance longer, better, yet I dont. Fear, maybe of being happy,a slow self destruct, perhaps the bowing of spirit to the masses, and their sense of how I should act. I am one who sees and thinks too much about tomorrow. I fear my thoughts, not out of fear, but out of fear of maybe i am right, what is the cost of my dreams, is it right at my wisdom of years to ask one younger, less experienced in the ways of the world to take that chance. At what cost, would my or our dream, consist of. Do i believe ? Yes, but do i believe that i have the right to ask another to pay that price,no. You see the realization of somethings unique beauty and wonder, and the price to be paid for it, is something that can only be determined by the individual, here is where fear, comes into effect. I fear the subconscious effort of convincing another to take that dangerous road, confident in the fact that they are as aware as i am, I would rather be without, then to influence a decision that is life changing. I remember a relationship I had with another. We met through a dance,she was out with her mother, I was actually on my way to work and just came in to dance for a litlle bit. She asked me to dance as she was too good looking for me to have the courage to ask,hehehe, turns out she was married, rich,her and her husband owned some fitness clubs, and definitely out of my league. After a little bit I had to leave for work, the time with her was special, and as I left I gave her my #, telling her the smartest thing she could do was throw it away. For almost 2 months I searched for that woman, quit working ,going dancing every night,finally the guys told me to quit or thy would quit, i asked for one more night,lo and behold she called me. This was something I did not ever expect, but the feeling for her had been real, I just never thought it would be right for me to make that decision for her,and neither did I think I had that much to offer. Nuts, yes it drove me crazy,the journey,and all my friends too,hehehee, but there are no regrets for the beauty of that special time were untainted by the idea I had Influenced her in any way ,you see she had come to her own conclusions and made her own decisions and that was one of the beauties of her gift to me.
Pretty good at least to me, all week I had been thinking about using the word afraid in my previous 2 blogs and writing something to explain what I meant, I am giving myself a pat on the back here,hehehe. It is not easy for a person to be the person they are and because we are unique individuals with our own interpretations of things I just wanted to define it for clarity.
Now hehehehe, back to the weekend, i cant stop laughing the way I jump around. I did go to Spinnakers, the band was good not great,but after following Natalie, it would have to be some sort of let down,no offense intended. Noahs Ark is good ,just not captivating,with that something a little extra, I had a pretty good night though, with two instances of note, the first consisted of some guy coming up to me and congratulating me on the way I interacted with the little ones when I took them to the neighborhood store,he stated that he thought it great to see that someone could have fun and showed they cared so much at the same time. That kinda threw me a little but as long as it was a good thing ,no problem. the other incident at the club was when this guy brought me a coke. I know it sounds strange but his girl and him had met before and we had a good time at the club,with them stating they felt as if life would not be to bad if they could be like me when they got older. Anywayssss, I think that people are worried that when you get older there is no life, at any rate he came over,stating it was nice to see me and they were happy to see me still around. Life the important sweet moments, are not long continuous stretches but special moments that make the mundane times in life bearable. Oh,No a song just came on starting with the words, boy sometimes I just want to dance with you, one of lifes, my lifes little sweet humorous moments. To go on, yes, i danced, it was good, and interesting. I stay in my little area and enjoy, sometimes the crowd enticing me to come down and that does make me feel good, a part of ,even though I am solitary in my space. Saturday night was definitely more of a relaxed time, I swayed more then danced, it got a little crowded in my space but that was ok. I did not feel as if I had to put on a show and it was relaxing, hell I even left earlier then I thought I would. Dance I did,hehehe, it just wa one of those nights, and there was this situation at first also. Hehehehe, sometimes when I dance it attracts female attention, usually momentarily quick, you dance well or I like the way you dance, and its a done deal. Sometimes, it is not so quick, a woman was checking me out from behind me and decided she would stand beside my space, Well, she made me feel a little uncomfortable so I just sat my ass down,and stayed in that position until someone else hit on her. I may have been thinking too much, but where normally I might have danced beside another woman and she may have joined in for a sec., i just felt this woman wanted to do more then dance. To keep things safe, I just did not put myself in that situation, and she stayed the whole damn set, which did have some good songs to dance to. A lesson in self control,hehehe, at any rate yes i will probably go for a little bit tonight,do you feel the love, until next time, oh and by the way, Marino, you really are not that bad a guy, confused, emotional and different but I do love me being who I am.Just in case you need that someday in the future, you can smile now,hehehehe.
Labor Day weekend, playing Combat Arms, which has been a lot of fun,even though my k.d.r. is going to hell,hehehe. Funny I am doing better in Death room elimination then I am in One Man Army. the skill is just not there or maybe it will just take more time, or a new computer, which will be awhile. I won 25 bucks at bingo yesterday too which helped, making it possible for me to go out dancing tonite. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, the dance.
Friday night, the little ones came by to spend the night and stayed up till 10 or 10;30, mischievous little wonders they are. Delving into everything and turning the norm into wondrous objects. Full of life and questions, sparking laughter,and a sense of anew to things that have been taken for granted. What better way to start a journey, with a light step. On every trip to Spinnakers, I have a moment of doubt,a question, if maybe I am not too old ,acting out in a way not considered proper for someone of my age. Thoughts of being ridiculed,or an indication of not fitting in, or a part of. It really is difficult, I know to others it may not appear so, I try to act soooo like i dont care, reality check. of course i do.
It is not myself that overcomes the awkwardness, that feeling of insecurity, as i stand there, worrying about laughter erupting, or even worse, younger people that purposely, or even accidentally, notice me or my dancing , their looks ,through my eyes, judging me in a way to make me self conscious of every move. I do not state that there is no confidence in my ability to enjoy myself, it is simply that I have become more aware of how cruel,even without intention people can be. Last night I noticed a guy in his late 50 or so dancing inside the club,by himself, on a full dance floor. Off to the side a trio of young men where making fun of him, without his knowledge,not that they were being rude, they were simply being their young selves. Now of course,hehehe, they were not dancing, and I was tempted to tell them to to stop it and get down there themselves, so often people will pick on or at someone simply because they are nervous or afraid to do the same. I felt kinda guilty myself, I have seen this guy for awhile and sometimes,always in my mind never out loud, I critic his dancing, the truth though is at least he is down there with the crowd and I have to respect the fact there is no shame in his game. I have to respect him for that. It is far more difficult to take a chance then to stay safe as I do.
Fear, in my last couple of posts i have mentioned fear, while not really defining it, according to my own thoughts. OK, now we are beginning to rock and roll, heheheh.e, lets do this. Afraid of another persons wrong interpretation, yes, of what might be, could be, about what I think, or feel. Confident, within myself, I am but with the full realization that others vision of what I see may not be colored the same. Some may think iI am showboating, maybe trying to be something I am not, or trying to impress the ladies,hehehe. I dance ,simply because ther is no other choice, I have been given a gift, for which I am eternally grateful, music is what i am. I have no choice,unless its denial, of what or who I am, there is no choice,no option with the exception of becoming deaf. I never asked for this gift, definately would rather listen quietly in the corner, yet, when the music begins ,there really is no option, for it must be celebrated, here I celebrate life, and it is not my will,it is the will of the musics desire for a physical embodiment, which chooses me with all my inadequacies, self doubts and fears to make itself be known. Is this not the funniest thing in the world, little ole me trying to serve as an interpreter for such a magical thing. I will be the first o admit I am getting older, I cant dance and express myself as well as i would like, I wish I had money, to learn how to dance better,learn all these new steps, every night I go out dancing, my thought is to start working out simply so i can be express the dance longer, better, yet I dont. Fear, maybe of being happy,a slow self destruct, perhaps the bowing of spirit to the masses, and their sense of how I should act. I am one who sees and thinks too much about tomorrow. I fear my thoughts, not out of fear, but out of fear of maybe i am right, what is the cost of my dreams, is it right at my wisdom of years to ask one younger, less experienced in the ways of the world to take that chance. At what cost, would my or our dream, consist of. Do i believe ? Yes, but do i believe that i have the right to ask another to pay that price,no. You see the realization of somethings unique beauty and wonder, and the price to be paid for it, is something that can only be determined by the individual, here is where fear, comes into effect. I fear the subconscious effort of convincing another to take that dangerous road, confident in the fact that they are as aware as i am, I would rather be without, then to influence a decision that is life changing. I remember a relationship I had with another. We met through a dance,she was out with her mother, I was actually on my way to work and just came in to dance for a litlle bit. She asked me to dance as she was too good looking for me to have the courage to ask,hehehe, turns out she was married, rich,her and her husband owned some fitness clubs, and definitely out of my league. After a little bit I had to leave for work, the time with her was special, and as I left I gave her my #, telling her the smartest thing she could do was throw it away. For almost 2 months I searched for that woman, quit working ,going dancing every night,finally the guys told me to quit or thy would quit, i asked for one more night,lo and behold she called me. This was something I did not ever expect, but the feeling for her had been real, I just never thought it would be right for me to make that decision for her,and neither did I think I had that much to offer. Nuts, yes it drove me crazy,the journey,and all my friends too,hehehee, but there are no regrets for the beauty of that special time were untainted by the idea I had Influenced her in any way ,you see she had come to her own conclusions and made her own decisions and that was one of the beauties of her gift to me.
Pretty good at least to me, all week I had been thinking about using the word afraid in my previous 2 blogs and writing something to explain what I meant, I am giving myself a pat on the back here,hehehe. It is not easy for a person to be the person they are and because we are unique individuals with our own interpretations of things I just wanted to define it for clarity.
Now hehehehe, back to the weekend, i cant stop laughing the way I jump around. I did go to Spinnakers, the band was good not great,but after following Natalie, it would have to be some sort of let down,no offense intended. Noahs Ark is good ,just not captivating,with that something a little extra, I had a pretty good night though, with two instances of note, the first consisted of some guy coming up to me and congratulating me on the way I interacted with the little ones when I took them to the neighborhood store,he stated that he thought it great to see that someone could have fun and showed they cared so much at the same time. That kinda threw me a little but as long as it was a good thing ,no problem. the other incident at the club was when this guy brought me a coke. I know it sounds strange but his girl and him had met before and we had a good time at the club,with them stating they felt as if life would not be to bad if they could be like me when they got older. Anywayssss, I think that people are worried that when you get older there is no life, at any rate he came over,stating it was nice to see me and they were happy to see me still around. Life the important sweet moments, are not long continuous stretches but special moments that make the mundane times in life bearable. Oh,No a song just came on starting with the words, boy sometimes I just want to dance with you, one of lifes, my lifes little sweet humorous moments. To go on, yes, i danced, it was good, and interesting. I stay in my little area and enjoy, sometimes the crowd enticing me to come down and that does make me feel good, a part of ,even though I am solitary in my space. Saturday night was definitely more of a relaxed time, I swayed more then danced, it got a little crowded in my space but that was ok. I did not feel as if I had to put on a show and it was relaxing, hell I even left earlier then I thought I would. Dance I did,hehehe, it just wa one of those nights, and there was this situation at first also. Hehehehe, sometimes when I dance it attracts female attention, usually momentarily quick, you dance well or I like the way you dance, and its a done deal. Sometimes, it is not so quick, a woman was checking me out from behind me and decided she would stand beside my space, Well, she made me feel a little uncomfortable so I just sat my ass down,and stayed in that position until someone else hit on her. I may have been thinking too much, but where normally I might have danced beside another woman and she may have joined in for a sec., i just felt this woman wanted to do more then dance. To keep things safe, I just did not put myself in that situation, and she stayed the whole damn set, which did have some good songs to dance to. A lesson in self control,hehehe, at any rate yes i will probably go for a little bit tonight,do you feel the love, until next time, oh and by the way, Marino, you really are not that bad a guy, confused, emotional and different but I do love me being who I am.Just in case you need that someday in the future, you can smile now,hehehehe.
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