guilt

      Woke up at 4:30 am,better then sleepng the day away,had to go to work at 8 am,so put last coat of primer on my rooms ceiling,scotty took some before picts so i could have them for later.He is a pretty good guy,does what he can and shows he cares by listening to me which can be a job,hehehe.i feel a little bad about my last post,when i stated i have no family,so will address that here,while my thoughts are fresh.Oh,job got put off till next week,there went my w/e,but actually its o.k.,will need the money next week too,hahaha.
     First,i miss my father so much,missing him,has also opened my eyes to other relationships,but there is no substitution for him.I believe i built my life, psychologically,around a very simple idea,how would my father have handled it?My father was definitely a mortal man with all his faults and mistakes that he made in life,He was also very humane,loving and did the best he could.Maybe not the best others would think,but damn sure good enough for me.Rough times we definitely had,misunderstandings,bad times between us too,love was the glue,and an acceptance for one another,as the person we were,at that time,carried us through.Most of my life,decisions i made were based simply on,what i thought my father would do,because he always seemed to have all the answers.In addition the thought of him being there,hell it gave me the courage to try,even if failure loomed large,simply because his love for me would still be there if i did screw up.
    My mother,still living,down the street from me as a matter of fact,we dont talk much,even though my wife pushes me to.I am trying to get better at it though,simply put,i dont trust her.What a story she could write about her life,definately interesting enough and life has not been easy for her either.I have a younger,brother and sister,i swear they can not hate her enough,which is where we differ.Acceptance,i dont neccessairly like her or things that she has done in the past,i simply accept that she is who she is and love her for the times before our lives got crazy,it does not mean i forgot the bad things or times,i learned a lot,good and bad from her,i simply accept the fact that we all have made bad decisions in our lives,accept her for who she is today and try not to get caught up in her webs of manipulation.She really is very good at what she does,hahaha.
    Brother and sister,both younger and neither in my life,that i will admit probably has a lot to do with me,unfortunately.Love them both,think of them both probably about once a week,desire to get a closre relationship but,where to start.My brother,he really is a good person,sets a lot of importance on his family and gives them 110%,you have to respect that.Out of the 3 of us he is probably the best example for normalcy,and has done pretty good for himself and his.We actually got along pretty well,though he disagreed about some things in my life,which i will say he would end up being right about.We basically have just a few things that ripped us apart.one his hatred for my mother and sister,he lived with our father for a time and my sis lived with her mother.He,maybe correctly felt my mother was a bad influence,that my sis picked up her bad ways and the fact that she led a very rebellious life under my fathers roof and when she hit the streets on her own,did not help either.Of course there is more,but thats the basics.Naturally being the oldest,both of them tried to play me to the others disadvantage,and then both of them would gang up on mom,crazy huh,thats basically how our lives were.The final straw came about when i thought he betrayed my trust in him.He had been good enough to come down south and work with me,so i could build my business up,after all was going good i put him on salary and  was told he would go to his sons football practices and games,when he was supposed to be at work,Pissed off and hurt,i alienated him,my bad,there are better ways to do things and i shut him out of my life.My worst attribute,that of cutting people completely out of my life,when the hurt is so bad,has cost me dearly.Much older and a little wiser now,i have learned there are alternates,then it was the only way i could rest assured of not getting hurt,by the same person too many times.I love and miss him,i just dont know if i can undo the damage i have caused or if i can handle the rejection by him,plus,my life is pretty shitty right now and i hate looking bad.
     My sister,lordy,lordy,i feel for her,life,even though she has to take a lot of the responsibility,has sucked for her.Out of the 3 of us,she has fared the worse,our relationship,god knows has been a mess.That poor girl has not caught a break her entire life and unfortunately i cant say i was much help.Back in the day,we were both party animals,just out for the good time and when i finally got my life togther,i left the state.She always looked up to me and i know i let her down,when we discovered our mother was still alive we met in california for the first time in years and i was so caught up in myself i was not much help to her either.Then she would call here and i would brush her off,which was not good on my part.I have tried to talk with her on f/b but she dose not get on it very often.The phone well that seems like a good idea and maybe i will try,but no promises right now,i know it would be the right thing to do though.
     I have been married twice,both women a treasure to my heart,irregardless of what has transpired since.Here life has been good to me,both of them,are special,and brightened my life.I had 3 boys with Carol,my first wife,and Donna had 3 girls and a boy when we got married.Now this would lead you to believe that i have a large family,but reality can be a bitch.this has got to be one of longest blogs ever,hahaha.
     Carol and i met,while i was out with my father,his girl and her sister.She could not dance and after asking her permission to ask someone,i ended up asking carol.An hour later i told my father i was going to marry carol and damned if i didnt.I was in the navy at the time,carol moved down to norfolk,va,to be with me,and also brought my sister who stayed with us.i was proudly serving in the submarine force,which meant i was not home a lot,including the birth of our first son marino.Carol could not deal with me being gone so much so i left the service to keep my family.we had our next son about a year later,times were rough,and though we were making it i was scared that i was a failure.At least in taking care of my family,seemed like we could never get ahead.Carols dad would call her and tell her i was not doing to well and though she supported me,i felt like a failure.I had a next door neighbor,who i helped set up his place for him and his girl,a real good friend,i thought,and we did a real stupid thing.Robbed a bank.I  did my time ,Carol moved up north,with the boys,life was all messed up.Pleaded with that girl for a divorce,to no avail,i snuck up to see her the blizzard of 78,talk about being scared,thought i was gonna screw my probation up,but got lucky and she got got pregnant with mikey.eventually got my probation transferred,moved up to massachusetts.Got a job building custom fire trucks,loved it,then the company closed and i dont remember what job i took next but i also started going to school at night,college,to get a business degree.Come home one night cops are there,my in-laws who lived across the street,next thing i know, i cant see the wife or kids,and have to call my dad so i have a place to stay.Carol had,had a nervous breakdown,she was instituted for a period of time,and my life went to hell.The night of the break down,she had made some accusations,later cleared up,due to her trauma but messed my head up for sure.i could not see the boys for awhile,i did send them gifts and stuff.i guess this is when my drinking got bad,i was not a bad drunk,i just dont remember a night i diid not drink or something.We talked on the phone,infrequently,i was promoted to an office manager,and opened offices including one in Decatur,Al..While there,a friend calls me to tell me Carol is going out of control,partying all the time.Now let me state,Carol was the most loving mother you could ever want,if there was anything i was sure of,it was her love for our children.In a state of shock,i call the main office tell them there is an emergency and leave.I stayed at a friends house,went to see carol and the kids,spent some time with the kids and made arrangements to come back in a couple of days.When i returned,no Carol,no kids,to make a long story short,i tried the state offices,in-laws,etc,no luck.I tried for years to find out what happened,eventually i learned she had given the kids up to the state,and proceeded on a life of her own.I dont hold her responsible,she has had problems with breakdowns,due to her childhood,and has done the best she knows how.The damage to myself,i wont ever know in reality,i drank,partied,kinda gave up on life,money was no problem,i always seemed to do o.k.,i think i just got lost,i never stopped trying to find my kids but the laws where a lot different then,thank god these things dont happen today.
       The effect this had on my life caused one of  my worst decisions though.I met a wonderful woman,a soul mate i now believe,we lived together,life was simply marvelous.I dont recollect us ever arguing,with the exception of one thing.i got her pregnant.I insisted on an abortion,to my regret,which she got.At the time it seemed like the best thing with my history of being a father,i did not want to take the chance of being a failure again.I seem to be my worst enemy,sometime afterwards she told me that she was going up to visit her folks,for a couple of days.She went up and visited,i did some thinking while she was gone,and when we met i kept getting all teary eyed while we were having dinner out.She kept asking what was wrong,i told her that i thought we should break up,using all these reasons,i did not think it was working out.It turns out,she had gone to spend time with her parents,and to reflect on the decision if i was the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.She came back,with her mind made up we were right for one another,i destroyed her heart,and cost myself one of the best persons in my life.The abortion,i think had some to do with it,and i have never stopped wondering.
        My second wife,Donna,we are still married,love her but its not the same as it used to be.we have been together for 20 years and thats a lot of travel through lifes road.She has 4 wonderful children,adults in their own right now.With my background,my failures,and due to the fact their father was still alive,i made a vow to the children.I would never try to be their father,but a friend i would be,i also promised them i would stay until the youngest was at least an adult.i am only going to touch on this briefly but between the time i was 11 and i believe 18,my mother got married 4 times,my father 3 times,and you thought you had me figured out,hahahaha.seriously though,i had very little use for step parents and did not want the children to go through things i had seen.I guess we never realize when we are dealing with people the true ramifications of decisions we make until time,and usually a lot of it has passed.All those years,beautiful memories,life shared with them,always trying to do the right thing,set the right example,making sure they know my support for them was there.I swear i really did do the best,for them,in my eyes.i tried to the extreme and failed,Always  trying to keep up to the standards i felt my father would  be proud of,placing them and their mother ahead of myself.It has not been a smooth road,i have been sober over 20 years,but did other things occasionally.Donna compares our life to a roller coaster and i can not disagree,even i am tired of the ups and downs.Life,the things it can through at you is simply amazing,its curves flip me out.here i cant talk too much,there is too much that can cause collateral damage.In this relationship with this family i have learned the most awesome beautys of love and experienced the hell love can cause.Sometimes i feel like i am the living expression of one of Dantes paintings.I am only going to touch on a couple of things here,or you would be reading a book,hahahaha.Why do we do the things we do,sometimes there is no answer,or the fear of the answer is too much for us.One of the most wonderful things that happened in my life was STORMY,i have written a blog on her already,so if interested you should just read it.Quite simply,she was christenes,first child,notice i dont say my grandchild.here is part of my problem,i do love her to death and will be eternally grateful to her for opening my heart.She is not my blood,i feel hypocritical saying this,for at this time of my life the only other child i could love more would be the child of a union that will never be.My personal hell,maybe the emptiness of what my life will be.All the girls have children now,Linda 2,Christene 4 and Michelle 1,you know its funny,i must have done something right,the girls could not wait to get married,I have always felt they saw how great their mothers and i relationship was and they felt marriage was the answer,Scotty,being the youngest watched us start to show the chinks in our relationship,and is holding out.I dont know what my problem is,probably why i am writing this,hahaha.The short version is simple,i no longer am a part of their life,Donna,has spent more time away from home,babysitting for the kids and spending time in Boston,then actually living here.Long distance relationship i guess.The kids are all grown have their own lives and with the exception of Scotty,who lives at home,i never hear from them.On top of all that my business is almost bankrupt,living day to day,and i feel so detached from everyone.They have started having a family dinner once a week,to which i am never invited,the pain over that i am learning to deal with.The photos on f/b just reinforce the pain.When my business got bad,it scared the hell out of me,i had  a little bit of money,that went,and i could not even afford gas to go visit the kids.then everytime i had a little extra cash something would come up,i have never been so grateful i pay cash,no credit here,or i would have been completely wiped out.As i sit here i recall 2 things,Rocky telling me that little rocky missed me,and how last christmas Linda and Christene,came over to see me.Since then my finances have gotten worse,and life,well it seems hardly worthwhile anymore.Maybe i am selfish,i admit sometimes i think so,i sit in this empty house,constrained by my finances,restrained by inability to reach out,after being rebuffed.i am sure you know by now i dont do hurt too well or know how to deal with it,except to isolate away from the ones who hurt me.Knock,knock,why isnt anyone there?Adrift,alone,receding from life,this scares the hell out of me,and the worst part is seeing it ,knowing it and accepting it.
        Candle light in my dark,i now talk with my son mikey occasionally,him and his brother marino,we met and all was good enough that we talk.Marino,he is doing time,has about 18 more months to go and maybe if i can pull my head out of my ass,we can pick up the pieces.Carol,calls occasionally,we actually have a good time on the phone,and i still love her,she has been through a lot and is still keeping up the good fight.gotta respect that,plus she never told the boys anything bad about me.Love,i am an emotional person,i can not deny the love i feel,wont deny it,God knows i have tried to bury it,keep it from showing,i will not deny it though,sometimes its pain is all that tells me i still exist,to keep up the fight.LONELY,DISTRAUGHT AND SAD,YES!!!!!I am only myself,with all my faults,loving so much,screaming from the pain and REFUSING TO BELIEVE TOMORROW WILL BE THE SAME,FOR AS AN EMOTIONAL AND ROMANTIC PERSON,I STILL BELIEVE IN THE PROMISE OF A NEW DAY,WHO KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING,MAYBE LOVE WILL NOT HIDE ITSELF FROM ME.
    Family,people in our life,sometimes the ones who appear to be strongest,without the crossbeams supporting us in love,fall into that dark place,and it can be an endless journey,devoid of light.

r u shocked

   Well,well back i am,little late,but better late then later,hehehe.Actually just cant sleep,so lets give this a shot.Emotion,thats a powerful subject,and it should be easy since i am an emotional person.Logic does intervene,occasionally,i admit gratefully or i would be worse off then i am.
   Am i that bad off?Financially, i guess i am but then i think of people who are living on the street and i realize,it could be a whole lot worse.i am confident that things will get better,though i admit fear has now entered my world. Invulnerability,is now a thing of the past,the grey misty cloak that has penetrated my armor,called insecurity,attacks me with no thoroughfare.Questions arise,casting shadowy spears into my thoughts,unprovoked,doubt tugs at me,creating a maelstrom of  ideas,where there should be none,playing with the new fragility of self.This is the most difficult thing,to regain my belief in self,that shining knight of old,reflecting all thoughts of doubt with the brilliance of my belief in self.Morals,ethics,a belief that the world even unknown to itself,was balanced,karma,some would say.Believing in doing the right thing would be the right thing,a glorious sunburst of righteousness,.David and Goliath,only David is now a little shaky and Goliath,damn he has not fallen yet.I have not finished this struggle,i wonder if it is a fear of failing,will it all be for naught?Stepping up to the plate,i have wound up my arm,relaxed,going for strike 2,tense with the fear of throwing myself a curve. Hesitation,is it due to my my fear of failure,the collapse of this fragile glass bridge,composed of my beliefs,or that the force of my opponents hit upon my throw will shatter my bridge.Shards of bright colored glass,my beliefs,spearing their way into a dark chasm,sucking out the colors,melting the glass,absorbing it into the dark,a loss for which there is no cure.A loss of self.I have tasted fear,to swallow it,would be evidence of my weakness,i spit it out,trembling for the residue remains,reflection of my fear,of showing my fear,pushing me to show i have no fear,while i tremble inside,truthful to my self.
   All that pent up,this thing with kroger,it will be the death of me but i cant let go,i am right!that is not how the world works,i have discovered,maybe i will not come out ahead,but i will be the mouse that roared and was heard.
    Home,pictures fill my eyes,scenes of pictures,my mind throws them with no apparent order,random thoughts from all directions.Sad,for it is what it is and change will only occur if i am strong enough to believe in myself to attempt change.Beautiful memories, kaleidoscopes of smiles,different faces,warmth of yesteryear,sadness in todays home.logic,who is there,where did i go so wrong,a shell,emptiness staring at me in every direction,the void of what was sucked  into a small pinprick,lost somewhere in here,hidden to my eyes.Emotion,a home empty of,house devoid of,is just a house.Is this why,i think of doing something creative  with it but there is no drive,nothing but the idea,has my home become a house,a parody of self,a body empty of the juice of life,love.Treasures,surround me,treasures of warm times,laughter,emotions running a gauntlet called life,love caressing objects of no importance to others,its jewels born of love inspired moments captured in my heart.House,a box of treasues,gazed upon by a shell,emptiness,sadness,i laugh at myself,sarcastically.Would i not be happier,the moment of truth,in a box,on a street,cursing the rain,soaking our home,looking at you,seeing your smile,laughing at the beauty of you,happy in just being with you.Home,i am discovering more and more what it truly means,and sadly what is not home.
   Family,may god have mercy on me,for i believe i have none.This i know is not true and some do care and i know i am not the a good example,i am just so tired of not being a part of.I dont even know what to do about it,i have shielded myself from getting hurt or not showing my pain,i dont know how to change.Do i go start over somewhere,would those concerned be happier,do i stay,feeling less then,insignificant in lives important to me.Choice,truth is it is my choice,frozen,like a deer in the headlights,the outcome,not matter i choose,my,my biggest gamble.To live i must make a decision,or existence will be just that,an existence, bereft of love,Life,my life,the incurable romantic,is more,i hope.Fear,can i overcome its paralysis of self,scared i am afraid i will bolt in the wrong direction,to be be hit by the car.So afraid,so afraid of getting older,looking back,seeing myself frozen still,devoid of feeling,for at one time i lived.

events of this month

  It has been an interesting month.since i dont have the worlds best memory,i am going to work my way backwards.today,i lost a hundred dollar bill,which totally screwed up my week.I just got my check,was out paying bills and stuff,WHAM,went to pay for battery and noticed it missing.Dont know what i will do but i will have to come up with something or electricity shut off on 28th.
   We had problems with wife's truck earlier last week,bought a new starter,could not get it on and came to find out,the problem was the battery.Took starter back,got refund,went to walmart,paid for battery,and upon returning the old one discovered money was missing.Oh me,oh my,how quick everything can go to hell,hehehe.i am only laughing because its that or cry,which wont help at all.i will have to figure someting out by this evening as now i don't have enough for gas to go to work.Enough on that.
    Work was pretty good,not very much,unfortunately,but i had a store that needed extra work,resurfacing on parking lot destroyed floor and felt guilty as it looked yellowish last time,so i went ahead and stripped it this time,no extra charge,i am sure the company knows whats going on but did it for myself.Then check was not wrote till today so broke all week,life is funny isnt it?If check had been on time,oh well,still my bad money lost.
    Kids had their weekly family dinner,no invite,was ok till i saw pictures posted on facebook,talk about knowing my place in their life,well i guess i will have to deal with it.They have their own lives,my day has come and gone.Another lesson learned,why is it always too late when i learn my lesson,hehehe.NO,it really isnt funny,what you gonna do?Punt.
    Spinakers and La Velas last w/e,doing my dancing thing,hahahaha.Spinakers was pretty good,people are talking to me more and it is becoming more social,not a lot,better then not knowing anyone though.Went there Friday and Sunday,band was ok,nothing to write home about but good,and i did come out of my shell dancing to dj mix in rock arena,couple of times.La Velas,ughhh,,i was pissed,actually,had a good time dancing on platform overlooking the dance floor.the flooring was clear plastic and had some give to it,so was  COMFY,on my feet.Danced so hard thought i was gonna have a heart attack,hehehe.It was a weird kinda power trip dancing above all the people on the floor,and observing them staring up at me,kinda cool actually.Some came up afterwards,but i just kinda ran away,hehehe.I had gone there to see Nappy Roots and dissapointment dosent even cover the performance.They were late and unprofessional,what a let down,so called it an early night and went home,i still had a good time though.
    Week before,did xlanes on the coast,borrowed 15.00 off sal and started 2 new stores.The owner of dodges chicken was upset about the how dirty his floors were in Ft.Walton and Pensacola,so d.m. gave me the work,thanks rich,.That enabled me to pay the mortgage,YEAH,and pay some other things we needed to catch up on.Times are rough,it teaches a new appreciation for money and any extra work you can get.i spoke to my son mikey a little and he has a real,REAL,job,so kinda proud of him.He also has a new squeeze,what else is new,but he is happy and i am happy for him.
     Before i forget,got a letter from my eldest son,Marino ,says he got transferred to another camp,monticello and i guess i will be visiting him there as soon as the paperwork gets straight.I was surprised when he told me he only has another 18 months,time flies,thats good though.Hoping that he will be able to stay here on his release.I worry,not sure if i am doing the right thing for the right reason,i want to know him better,always thought he was kinda cool,just dont know if i am being selfish,at any rate hopefully business will be better and he can work with me.
     Thats about it,the previous week work was ok and i wrote about the w/e concert,so not much else to talk about,tomorrow i will post another blog on emotional roller coaster of this month,but this is a wrap.Sooner or later i will get camera or video to start putting stuff up with my blog,no i have not forgot or stopped loving you,just at a loss at what to do about life right now.More tomorrow,later,me

you cant handle the truth

  I woke up soooo late,i probably needed it but what a waste of a saturday,must have been 3 when i finally woke.Set alarm for 10 did not recall it going off. Depression,so hard to fight sometimes,especially when you know no one else to blame but you.Life,my life is such a mess,seems like everything i have touched with love has turned into a disaster.Quit,i don't really think of myself as a quitter,but too many nights,i find myself driving down dark roads,going to work,wishing a truck would sideswipe me,or that the van would flip over.The one thing that stops me is who would take care of the ones i care for,not that they are incapable of taking care of themselves,just that sometimes i like to feel necessary.Plus i have no insurance and i would not do that to my wife,no matter how bad it got.
   My blog, isn't getting many hits now,or i would not be so honest.So i guess i finally got my own space,with some regret.Financially,i am ruined,i want to say i keep trying,honestly,i know that i am not doing my best.IT is like i just want to surrender,just don't know how,i have never given up in things,it seems i have lost the ability to fight.Tears are welling in my eyes,i hate seeing myself putting down these words,so berefit of hope,lost in a world,i created myself,dark clouds of oppression and doubt,hovering over the rest of my life.where do i go from here?i don't have any idea,failed at love,financially impoverished,sinking into a muddy whirlpool,with just enough fight to keep from drowning in self pity.
  Excuses, excuses,reasons i give myself,for this and that,insecure enough that even i doubt my explanations.Am i being realistic,honest with myself or are they simply avenues with enough truth to hide behind or deceive myself,on this road we call life.It is humorous,one statement i always remembered,is this,YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH,is this the place i find myself at now.Self doubt,the destroyer,i can fight almost anything as long as i believe in myself,to lose faith in me, that's scary,no other way to put it.Have i believed too much in my beliefs,watching their destruction,has it made me reach that point of no return.loss of all,not once but repeatedly,have i reached the breaking point.
   Love,the one thing that i always have had faith in,is it a dream,made impotent,by life's harsher realities.Money,i have none,no retirement,me,the man that alwayts believed he would be the artisan of floor care,my time is at an end,what do i do now?It is not that there is not work,clerk,janitor,jobs that require no skill,if i have to i guess i will do it.Not like i have much choice,we have to live.Living,without joy seems like slavery,an existence similar to a machine.It suffices for others,i quite simply am scared of becoming an automaton,simply existing.No love,to oil the machinations of existence,motions friction,grinding away my core,dreams winking out,a shell,its there,until being crushed under the footstep of  a life,with no life.
   Sadness,in my effort to be strong,i have alienated myself,who would believe the pain i feel in being alone, bereft of love,i who endeavor to shower my love to others,to let them know someone cares,feel like the child, who cowers under the blanket afraid of the monsters in the dark.My fear is that of not being loved.i wonder when i die,my funeral,what will it be like,what memories will others have of me.I who had hoped to leave a legacy of love,fear to hear the conversations at my funeral.The terms,what if,if only he could have,to few of what would be considered positive.Where did i go wrong?
    I went wrong in having believed in my own beliefs.There is no one and nothing else to blame,and you know,writing this i find i am not sorry.Sad,yes,lonely yes,confused yes,and scared of my future life.Damn it,i look back at my life as i write this,different,unique,hills and valleys,yes,but i have given much joy to peoples lives.i know i have also created pain but,never,never maliciously or with intent.I guess the biggest failure in my life,is love,i failed,devoid of it,life is empty,i always said without it life has no meaning,there just seems no reason for existence without it.Love,i try not to cry,fighting back tears,i believe in it so much,its the spice of living,without,it has no purpose.Solitary being that i am,the desire to be one with another,thats what life was all about,the knowledge i am alone,irregardless of my efforts,tells me,too much,love you,me,the end.?

belated b-day

 I am listening to the movie the Beach Boys,its thundering outside,with very little rain,a manager who just gave me a job got fired,job is up in the air,and it is a good day to be alive.Have been wanting to make this post since yesterday,but had to do other posts first.
 Talk about a great week,not work wise,but people have been good to me this week.First i have been freaking out over the bills,quietly,scared to death,maybe i would not come through.then my wife sends,magically,800.00,covered the mortgage and freed up enough cash to pick up the rest of the bills.Scotty then gave me a belated b-day card with 100.00,in it.Talk about excitement,i dont know how long it has been since i had money to spend on myself. don't misunderstand i have had 5 or 10 bucks here and there,which is really all i need,it only costs me 5 bucks for 2 cokes at spinakers,if i have 2 so at least my nights out are still available,dance,dance,dance.100.00 damn it felt good,i had been dying for a new pair of shoes,only 13 bucks but you know how it goes.My shoes had some holes inthem,which did not bother me too much,but the soles were so thin,that when i dance,it killed me,but i could not stop,so by the time i got home,i had to soak them for awhile,hehehe.the music when it grabs you,wont let your feet stand still,hehehehe.So,i bought myself a new pair without feeling guilty.Lets see,what else did i buy,bought my wife some candy,got brownie and cake mix for me and scotty,some other groceries and played the lottery for my wife.then i went to Spinakers and danced,and had 3 cokes,hehehehe.What an awesome day,probably still have 10 bucks left for tonight,YEAHHHHH.How much better can it get,i guess lots,but you know,this was good enough for me.
  Spinakers was pretty good,the band was classic rock and roll,so not too much for dancing,but the dance room was good in between.Ran into some guys who work for Express Lane,they were complaining about the way the floors look,not blaming me but unhappy about the once a month deal.What can you do.It was a really good time,no worrying about the bills,just relaxing,hell i did not even dance a lot.Actually,it was funny because with new shoes though they were comfortable,damn soles felt too thick,guess i will have to work them out.hehehehehe,the things we have have to subject ourselves to.Life is good.Skid Row is playing at La Velas tonight,so depending on the cost i may go there.Its definitely a possibility,The music there just isnt all that good because the d.j. sucks,all that dance floor and there are more people standing on it drinking,then dancing.I dont know what the d.j. is thinking or feeling,maybe he is trying to to hard on the mixing because its too erratic for most to dance with the way he throughs the beat,i can do it but,i have too work at it,not just flow with it.They are losing customers too,i have seen this happen too often,a club forgets what drew the people,attempting to be something they are not.Customer base goes down,club goes.Sad too,because it is a great club,just getting too much hype and not being what they are capable of.Last night i noticed the d.j. at Spinaker was not playing his usual mix,seems Spinaker wants him to stop playing his mixes,but actually they are pretty good,now if La Vela would pick him up they would get back in business,but that's enough for now.
  Talk about freaking out,i lost this whole post!!!!!Thank god for history,would have never been able to put it all back together again.so i guess i am just gonna post this before i screw it up again,i am good at that,as you know,what you did not think i would have forgotten you,do you,hehehehe.Ok,thats it until next time,later.

art,beauty

Ok,another post on the same day,UNPRECEDENTED,hehehehe.just because i dont post does not,repeat, does not mean,i dont have a lot to say.IT IS NOT THE MONEY,BUT,THE ABILITY TO BUY THINGS OF BEAUTY TO ENJOY,wrote that while watching a movie that had rich people artwork,and a museum full of lovely objects of art.beauty,Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,and sometimes i wish i was rich just to surround myself in a world of what i consider pleasing to my senses,and yes you would be there.I believe that every one has thier own individual taste in what brings artistic pleasure to them.i have a couple of pieces that i cant wait to put in my room/office,a Mack,limited editions of Luongo,some water scenes,and an oriental piece.Most of my art work reflects my emotional love of love,that is not a misquote,i am simply put a romantic.other things, a wooden bowl which i bought because of its beautiful color and grain,my elfins,little statues of fairies and elves,bright,colorfull,with a soft patina,which transport me to the other world,of dreams,childhood journeys through fairy tales,mystical beings which remind me of how little we do know.Motorcyles,small,wooden,taking me back on the road,glimpsing roads,burning under my feet,throttle all the way out,midnight journeys,fused onto a beast,barely in control,screaming primaly,my love of the moment, exhilaration as the curve brings you closer to that edge.Art,be it music,a painting,the form of a melted piece of glass,strikes us from with in,not always in the manner the artist meant,but according to our own interpertation,our lives,the feelings invoked by our own individual experiences in life.Me,i guess my medium would be dance,the desire to express the feeling invoked by the music i am listening too.I love things that are construed as beautiful,to me,i do not have to have a college degree,or an artistic education to know what things stir my soul.Unfortunately,i do have champagne taste,hehe,while a beer budget,one of the great joys of living in Boston was quite simply the ability to go to all the galleries,shows and,and venues of art that are available for nothing,but the journeyMany times,i have held a piece of glass,gazed on a piece of artwork,and even though i cold never afford it,that simple moment of inter action,would make the trip worth while,the passion of discovery,that feeling of joy in discovering an item which evoked an emotional rainbow of beauty,well imay not have said it well,btu how do you describe,that moment when your senses state this is beutiful,its like trying to describe my love for you,an intangible,unmeasurable,force,with which,out, life would be so much less then.In life we may have to settle for less,i may never own an original,only be able to dream of designing a room full of beautiful glass work,i can always enjoy the thought.Isnt it funny how people of wealth will sometimes collect objects of beauty,just to store them hidden away,or buying something just to say they have it.Thats not to say some don't appreciate or enjoy it,for those that do,bravo,fill your life with as much beauty as you can,for all to often artistry goes unappreciated or hidden,from fear of ridicule.Art is an individual effort of communication,with others,not to dismiss combined efforts,plays musicals,etc.,and to often as a group,we fail to recognize it until the artist is gone.Sad is it not,that often times the ones who we do revere,first have to suffer our humiliation or dismissal of their artistic bent.ohj and by the way,i just got back from dancing,OH YEAH,my litlle endeavor at communication,hehehe,anyway thats why it might have todays date even though i started it yeaterday.I find it simply amazing the way art surrounds us ,often unnoticed,from the way a plate of food is presented,to the symentary  of a concrete power pole,it simply has to be noticed.I dont even know what i would buy if i had money,however the ability to purchase those things and surround myself with their beauty would make life's bad moments much easier to conquer.For to be surrrounded by such,reminds you of the artists attempts,not once,but trial after trial,to bring forth a thing of beauty,for our enjoyment,and the success,in our pleasure.People,a person,are good examples,because the beauty of a person may not be the outer,but the inner part,which came through facing lifes trials,and that is enough for now.see you later today,yes,i have more i wish to post,hehehehe.  

work-the real world

  Well,well i am back,its been on my mind to post but there have been situations which made me feel i should not at the time,plus i sometimes want to say too much.so whats been going on?The express lane stores went to once a month,talk about a shock!we almost lost the house due to insufficent money,that was scary but managed to pull it off somehow.honestly dont know about losing house but due to the decrease in money,was not sure about paying mortgage,but did make it.talk about being blindsided,two things of note here,one i had asked the operations manager not three weeks previous to be good enough to give me a heads up if there were going to be any changes in floor care,after tom thumb episode,it seems i am always nervous about work,two,it turns out jim made the decision,not mark,who would have thought.every time i see a problem and tell jim he says,take it to mark,then blam,he decides it s time for him to make one.No conference with me,no discussion,just going to once a month.this at the busiest time of the year,when stores are getting slammmed,not only has it affected me,the psychological and morale impact on store personnel was scary.People are wondering if the company is going in the red financially,whats going to happen with their jobs,if corporate is selling out,all kinds of stuff.Logically,it just dosent make a lot of sense,express lane has always been know as a family run bussiness who takes pride in setting standards,their new stores are superb,however,now the older stores are being neglected,repairs seem to take for ever and the Lewis name,once spoken of with pride by the employees,is now replaced by,who?,Hell,it pisses me off,and me,i am dealing with the reality of the real world,i who had once felt an integral cog in express lanes machinery,am nothing more then a number.Family,i have always and will always feel,a part of the express lane family,it pains you to give 110% and then be treated as almost non existent.My bad,i guess,i know actually.One of the things that bothered me was that jim did not even have enough respect for me to sit down and talk.I  dont know,i wrote him a letter after i was informed of the new policy,to no avail.Now i have tried leaving 3 calls asking for a return call,no luck.i realize i am not the business, business man,i care too much.i dont feel thats a fault though,how many times has a business tried to get a loan,only to have it coming down to the personal rapport between the owner of the business,and the loan officer or bank president.Maybe thats why so many businesses try to separate themselves from their vendors.It is kinda funny,not really,thatwhen i started my floor cleaning business,i had all the work i could handle,D.Ms,store owners, even clerks,recommended my work to everyone,now its all about corporate.the same people who used to recommend me have no say,they still think my work is great its just that no one in corporate listens to them.Now corporate just accepts bids,gives out the work and then if work is sub par,finds someone else.Of course if there is a problem its the stores fault,crazy,huh.Here is something else i find funny,corporate is always screaming keep the stores clean,this is part of your job,how ever corporate has no problem with cutting on services to help in keeping stores looking presentable, landscaping,clean floors,etc,fixing leaking roofs or replacing ceiling tiles where necessary,the list goes on.the point i am trying to make here is if corporate dose not act like they care,what kind of message is that sending employees.Bottom line,i am not goig to stop caring,i will always do my best,no matter how bad it gets,people have told me not to do stores for free,so ihave not,how ever if a store needs extra work or something then i am going to do it,if i have to for go charging extra so be it,you see everyone knows,i lovbe my job,the hell with the money,but i will be damned if i am going to do a bad job.                Clean Floors Ent. Inc.

7215 N. Lagoon Dr.

P.C.B.,Fl. 32408

850-319-8880

Mr. Lewis,

This letter is in reference to a conversation,i had with Mark last week,concerning care of store floors that I currently do. He informed me that all stores were to start being serviced only once a month(every 4 weeks),effective immediately. During the conversation,i told him this was the busiest time of the year. I also reminded him,that during our last meeting,i asked him if he would give me a 30 day notice,of any changes like me losing contract or such. I had informed at that meeting that I felt very insecure about Express Lane continuing to use my services,primarily due to some things I had picked up on previously. At that meeting he stated I had nothing to worry about,as he had been happy with the service for 10 years and saw no need for any changes.

Well,this letter might get me fired,but I love this company,have stated that in writing and am indebted to you for all the things you have made possible in my life. So many times when things have been rough for me you were there. So I will try to keep this brief,i know I talk too much.

Express Lane,family owned and an important part of our community,has strived to set the standards for convenience stores,not only here but in many areas. Last year,or maybe this year,i believe it was chevron,awarded us the cleanest stores in the south east region.i am not sure of the award,but was proud in thinking I had a part in this,of course I could be wrong,but I do really try to do my best for you.That means we beat Tom Thumb and all the rest,irregardless of the money they poured in.

I know that in these economic times we are all trying to to save where we can.In an effort to help,i have done my best to help out you inthis,not only because I know you need to save money,but also as my small way of thanking you for everything you have done for me and my family.

1)top scrubs,usually done twice a year,at the beginning or during spring break,and then again after labor day,or seasons end,i was able to keep from doing in most of my stores,by keeping store floors up,maybe doing light scrub,and charging just enough to cover the supplies,or at no charge.

I told Mark of this and that I had planned to scrub the few that needed it in June,in addition,with good maintenance of the floors,top scrubs ordainarily done at the end of season would be almost none.I now do 19 stores for you and told him this was saving the company,somewhere around 2500.00 minimumn.i realize that it may not seem like a lot to you,but I told you previously,that I would do my best for Express Lane and I did this because it was in your best interest. When I asked about filing the B.P. Claim you told me,there are good years and bad ones,you do the best you can and deal with it,this was my way of doing the best for Express Lane,even though this is one of my worst years,i felt that it was only right for me to do what was right for you,especially with these financial times.

2)behind counters,back rooms and bathrooms,you may recollect I suggested that we do these,you agreed,told me to ask Mark and he vetoed the idea,which I informed you of.Imagine my surprise,when shortly after this the D.M. For the Tallahassee stores left word for me that if iwas the same company doing the store on Hwy 20,to get down there and that we were to start doing the bathroom area,effective now.I will state right off Mark had never said for me to do anything of the sort,nervous as I was about losing any work,i started doing behind the counters and bathrooms at some of my stores.Straight up,Mark did not authorize this,i figured if he was upset about it he would say something.i have charged very little for doing this,sometimes nothing at all,i have tried to do it only where customers would notice also.i can only state I did it in Express Lanes best interest,not for money.

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3. I am not sure if you remember this but years ago we had discussed giving me a raise and you said,dont ever ask me for one,it was said in a joking but serious manner.Well I kinda took it to heart,and as a result even though I charged other companies more,i have always felt that I should keep your price down as much as possible,cause you are like family.I am sure you probably have not noticed but I have kept your prices at the same rate for years,at least 5 I believe. The price of gas,costs of labor,when I had help,(hahaha),gas,you know they have all gone up,and even though these things increased,the price of having your floors done have not.I am sure you know that my living expenses have gone up also,but you know what,i dont think thats your problem,i feel that the rate I charge you is fair,and its not right for me to charge you more just cause I am having financial difficulties.

Which brings us back to ground zero,the floor care being done once every 4 weeks,i personally want to state there is not too much I would not do for Express Lane,in particular for the Lewis family.i love having my own business,though I am not a good business man.Neither do I forget things like the time Reid personally brought my check to me at a job,cause I needed it for Christmas. Conversations where I learned a little bit more about the business world through listening to your sage advice,(hehehehe).It has helped me you know,or the strength I have received when I think of how your dad started over again.

I love it when I tell someone I do your floors,not only pride in my work,but also the pride when others talk of your family,Express Lane,the way your family is always keeping an eye on the stores themselves. You,are a success story that is enjoyed and loved by people you dont even know,part of the heritage of this place we call home. I can not stand by idly and see your stores begin to show chinks in their armor.Your new stores even though I dont do their floors are a constant source of pride,not only to mebut you should hear the remarks of people I talk to on the street also. It is my opion,and mine alone that to start servicing the stores only once every 4 weeks would result in the stores looking bad.You have worked hard to get them here and it would be remiss to see that work thrown aside.I am not stating that my work is so important to you,but I tried to inform you that the stores where you have implemented once a month service looked bad,but I never told you it was demoralizing to your work force also. This I had learned in previous conversations with employees who were switched over to cover a shift,or in hearing through the grape vine how other stores were upset because they could not get their ceramic tile floors scrubbed,this is not in reference to the new stores,which look good but the older ceramic tiles,blue and white,etc.

When Mark authorized the cleaning of the floor at Santa Rosa,you would not believe how esctatic the manager or employees were. I had to make 2 trips out there,due to scheduling problem,not my bad this time,(hehehe)and informed Mark I had reduced the price to 250.00,so if needed he could get others done,knowing the price would be less. If the times are such,i will reduce my price for doing the floors,if you need me to do some work for free,i will do it,what ever it takes,lets just do it and I will make it happen. Everybody is always willing to talk a good game,let me walk mine,if times are rough,well we will make it,better times lie ahead. Mark told me he was willing to pay me 105.00to do them once every 4 weeks,you currently pay me 90.00 every two weeks.I will figure out something so we can keep the stores looking good. I just can not see all the work you have put into Express Lane going asunder over a few dollars.I know I am being outspoken and if you feel you have to let me go,thats your decision,Reid has tried and tried to tell me there are no friends in business,i disagree,we are or have been partners in business,and I am willing to show you,its not all about the money,there are times,when life has to mean more then that.

Guess thats it,your foolish floor man