christmas come and gone

   not a creature is stirring not even a mouse, well the cat is eating i just let her in.Woops, Scotty just came out and he is eating again.Two minutes ago i thought i was all alone,everyone sleeping, just finished watching Pitch Perfect, AWESOME, and figured i would throw up a quick post, while i was all alone, now it seems like all came out to check on me. hehehehehe, life is like that sometimes, moments where it seems i fight the battle all alone and then from no where, a voice,maybe a beautiful smile i have missed for too long, or words of encouragement come along. Life is what it is and i, have temporarily ran out of a thing too say. Ok, i am back,hehehe, what a strange, strange Christmas, disappointing, anger, joy, love, the gauntlet i have experienced, as i have heard others say, it was the worst of times, it was the best of times, it was Christmas time
   Gifts, ohhhhh, i know Christmas is not about gifts, well for me it is, I love giving them, receiving is great but giving makes me feel like a real Santa, The wonder, surprise, quirky smiles,how did you know, that look in their eyes when they come aglow, the you shouldnt have, with the underlying, but i am glad you did, that feeling i get when I hit the mark. Not this year, it has been sad, maybe selfish because i wanted to give to get those things i just talked about, but what the hell ,no money,maybe no work and it all worked out.I had nothing to give, but the gift of self, and for some that seemed enough, i had to overcome an inner battle, that some where aware of, and instead of leaving , i stayed, for though i can not say evil thoughts were not in my mind, for everyone else, and for myself , I put those feelings aside, played with the little ones, talked with the grown ups and actually had a good time. I wont lie, when gifts were passed out, i was embarrassed none were from me, anger at my myself, yeah it was there, but what can i honestly say. Do I really believe i will change, stop being who i am, I may, Just may be financially a little smarter, or cautious i guess, but the dreamer in me, well i cant lose who i am. The price to others, may not have seemed great, but inside i know me and  it bothered me that no gifts was i able to give. Money management 101, here i come, I sure hope so anyway. I laugh at myself thinking,my silly thoughts, you know till Saturday after all the fed ex deliveries were done, the dreamer in me kept saying that the Lewis family, knowing i had no money for Christmas would reach out and do some thing. I tried like hell to get some kind of work to no avail, and phone calls to Mark in operations never got returned.I have no one to blame but myself, and even if it was only a dream, well just the possibility made the time easier to deal with, so even when reality ended up crashing at my door,the previous hope I had softened the blow. Now I just have to get my breath, blow it out slow, and back into the fight I go, a little bit wiser,more subjective, and loving the thought of a brighter day.
    At Christenes we talked a lot about this and different things, apologizing for my inabilty to do anything, Christmases past they said more then made up for today and though that was nice, there is still a hole i have to fill some way.Children playing, feelings of family were there, but inside, through it all, i felt alone, insufficient, like all were judging me. Now i know thats not true, but i hate coming last,empty handed, it scares to think, i could end up in my past. A perplexing study of humanity, i must seem,all saying it is ok, except that voice in me. I guess i am set in my ways ,dreamer, schemer, a throwback to early days where the head of house, hell he dose not make mistakes, in public anyways. I screw things up and ,though i always say , no shame in my game, when i screw up, its out there, for I have no volume control either,hehehe. I have never been shy about what i believe, never been shy about standing up for those beliefs, not that I am always right, i have learned from many,but, I stand tall until i am proven wrong, then humbly accept i dont know all, am thankful to learn, and try to be open minded enough to learn more. So maybe, this Christmas was supposed to be a lesson in humility  which I say without any candor or pity, at any rate ,the gifts i received where, those , of acceptance, caring, love a the knowledge ,maybe the reminder, it is not about what,but who in the truest meaning of Christmas. Or at least something like that, i am sure i know what i mean,Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night, love ya, me